Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 07:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 8
Chapter 30: Andúril, Flame of the West
(Cut to a Mysteriously Cloaked Figure on horse riding up impossibly windy mountain path. Cut to Aragorn, flipping and turning in throes of a nightmare. See shot of Arwen’s pledge to Aragorn.
Arwen: Do you remember what I told you, man?
Strider: You said you’d shag me senseless.
Arwen: And to that I hold.
See shot of Arwen knocked out, tongue lolling out of mouth, on “death bed” under tree in Rivendell. See Evenstar pendant dropping and shattering into a gazillion pieces.)
Aragorn: (waking up) NO! Not the necklace! Noooooooooo!
Random Rohirrim Rider: Um, Ranger Dude? Théoden Dude wants to see you, pronto.
Aragorn: Now? It’s like 8 o’clock!
(Gets up and follows Random Rohirrim Rider to Théoden’s tent, grumbling all the way. Enters tent and sees Théoden talking to Mysteriously Cloaked Figure.
Théoden: (to Aragorn) Good luck, man. (leaves)
(Mysteriously Cloaked Figure gets up and lets his cloak hood down, and it’s … Elrond!)
Aragorn: Dude, you’d you get here so fast?
Elrond: I have a jet.
Aragorn: Thanks for letting us borrow it.
Elrond: Well, if you had borrowed it, then I wouldn’t have had it to get here so quickly, now would I of?
Aragorn: Oh yeah, huh. … So what brings you here?
Elrond: I come on behalf of one whom I love. Arwen sends you this. (slaps Aragorn across the face – hard.)
Aragorn: OW! So rude! What the frick was that for?
Elrond: Don’t play dumb with me, Ranger Dude. I know you’re messing around with some skinny blonde bimbo, and I’m here to tell you that if you break my little girl’s heart, I so won’t hesitate to let her flail you alive. And she’ll flail you, man, don’t even doubt it.
Aragorn: What are you talking about? What skinny blond bimbo? Legolas? No way, dude, I don’t roll that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Elrond: Not Legolas. The blonde chick. Arwen’s all geared up and ready to come down here and wail on you and her both. I’ve subdued her for now, but one more blow like that to the head could do permanent damage.
Aragorn: I’m still not following.
Elrond: Look, it’s simple, kay. When Arwen comes to, you better be nowhere near the blonde chick or there’s no telling what might happen. So this is what you’re gonna do. Sauron’s marching on Gondor, right? But he’s also got bros sailing upstream. They’ll be at Minas Tirith in two days and you’ll be totally outnumbered.
Aragorn: Yeah, Gandalf already gave us that news flash. Tell me something I don’t know.
Elrond: You need more men, and this is how you’re getting ‘em. You’re taking a hike, Boy Scout. You’re gonna get your Happy Medium on and speak to the spooks in the mountain.
Aragorn: What?! No way, not even Shaggy could mellow them out, and he’s all about the mj.
Elrond: Well, you got something they didn’t have.
Aragorn: Rugged good looks?
Elrond: You wish. No, man, I’m talking about Andúril, Flame of the West, sired by the way righteous Shards of Narsil. (brings out sword from under cloak) Yeah baby, now that’s a sword!
Aragorn: (pulls sword out of scabbard) Shiny! I can totally see my reflection! I look good.
Elrond: (all intense) Go now, bro, and kick some Big Bad butt. Don’t let anything stand in your way. You so rule!
Aragorn: Dude, say it, don’t spray it.
Elrond: Look bro, you gotta put aside the Ranger and become who you were born to be.
Aragorn: What do you mean? Wasn’t I born to be me?
Elrond: Oh, don’t start confusing yourself, kay? It’s too crucial a time to have you spazing out now. Just remember: Ónen i-Estel Edain. “Live long and prosper.”
Aragorn: Ú-chebin Estel anim. “I shall do neither. I have killed my captain, and my friend.”
Elrond: You did?
Aragorn: Naw, I was just going with the moment.
Chapter 31: Aragorn Takes the Paths of the Dead
(Aragorn saddles up Brego and Éowyn comes outta nowhere, all worked up.)
Éowyn: You’re leaving? You can’t leave me! … Er, I mean, you so can’t leave the men. They’re counting on you, bro. They need you. We ride into battle tomorrow. You can’t just dump us by the wayside like a used up hamburger wrapper.
Aragorn: You really shouldn’t be here, dudette.
Éowyn: (getting teary) But, but…
Aragorn: Oh, don’t do the crying thing. Look, you’re a total hottie and maybe in another life, I’d totally dig you. But my butt is fried if I’m seen talking to you again.
Éowyn: But…
Aragorn: Sorry babe, but I’m spoken for and you’re off limits. But don’t fret. One day, in the far off distant future, you just might find someone else as equally handsome, smart, brave and sexy as myself. Sure, it’ll be a challenge, but you’re up to it! Sayonara dudette!
(Goes away quickly and leads horse through camp.)
Gimli: Yay! Road trip!
Aragorn: No way, stinky. You’re staying put.
Legolas: Don’t worry, Ranger Dude. I splashed him with fragrant-scented water while he was snoozing with the pigs. Now he’s pine-scenty.
Aragorn: Good thinkin’ bro. Kay then, let’s mosey.
(They ride out of camp and through the mountain pass. Everyone watches them leave.)
Gamling: They leave because there is no hope.
Théoden: Yep, we’re screwed big time.
Chapter 32: “No More Despair”
(Next morning, Éowyn’s watching the sunrise. Théoden comes up to stand in front of her.)
Éowyn: Hey, you’re blocking my view.
Théoden: Listen, babe, you’re in charge ‘round here while I’m gone. Give ‘em hell!
Éowyn: Yeah. Whatever.
Théoden: Aw, cheer up, dudette. You can’t be wasting your time weeping for those who’ve met their final wave. We all wipe out when it’s our time, but it’s all good. We get to go party with the Big Kahuna in the sky and that party NEVER ends! And the party will soon rage here again too, just you see. So no more worries, and no more weepy moany. Just remember:
(starts singing)
Child, don't you worry
It's enough you're growing up in such a hurry
Brings you down the news they sell you
To put in your mind that all mankind is a failure
But nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow
We try not to show how frightened we are
If you let me I'll protect you however I can
You've got to believe it'll be alright in the end
Éowyn: (sniffling) That was beautiful bro.
Théoden: I know. I’m so multi-talented, I sometimes even amaze myself.
Chapter 33: Dwimoberg: The Haunted Mountain
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are riding through some rock hills.)
Gimli: Dude, like, who’d want to live here? I mean, really, it’s all decrypted.
Legolas: You know what this reminds me of? Like, really, really tall anthills or something.
Gimli: Don’t tell me monster ants live down here. If this movie goes corny sci-fi, I’m so outta here.
Legolas: No bro, a bunch of neon green Scooby Doo-looking ghosts live down here.
Gimli: Oh, ok, that’s different then. So, why’re the ghosts spooking these haunts again?
Legolas: Cuz, like a really really really really really long time ago, they promised Dude Isildur to help him pulverize the Big Bad Dark Dude. But when the time came, they punked out and fled into the mountains to hide till it was over. Isildur got all offended, and he cursed them for their treachery. He said, “That’s it! You’re cursed!” And they were! And when they asked Isildur how long they were cursed for, Isildur said, “For – ev – ER!”
Gimli: “For – ev – ER?”
Legolas: Yeah, for – ev – ER! Or you know, until they fulfilled their oath. Whichever comes first.
(Scary shot of door with skulls all around it. Aragorn and company dismount and sneak up on door.)
Gimli: Is it cold here, or is it just me?
Legolas: (reading weird writing above doorway) “The way is shut. It is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it. The way is shut.” … Not exactly a Welcome mat is it?
Aragorn: They’re not big on guests are they?
(Scary-sounding breath comes out of cave and scares horses away.)
Aragorn: Brego! No! … That’s it! No one scares away MY horse! (marches into cave)
Legolas: (follows)
Gimli: Like some pointy eared elf is really gonna show me up! (follows)
Chapter 34: The Muster of Rohan
(Elsewhere that same morning, all the Random Rohirrim Riders are mounting their horses, putting out fires and hastily packing up camp. Théoden and Éomer come out of king’s tent.)
Théoden: Any word on Rick Cottontree?
Éomer: Nope, he’s splitsville.
Théoden: Oh well, we can’t be worrying about him. We gotta get moving and we gotta go quick. But not too quick. We gotta reach Minas Tirith with enough gusto left to rumble.
(Éomer goes off. More shots of hectic battle preparation. Théoden comes across Merry, who’s readying his pony.)
Théoden: Sorry, little dude, but just where you think you’re going?
Merry: I’m going to battle! See? I’m Esquire Guy!
Théoden: I don’t think so! You’ll get squashed, for sure, and none of my bros can bear you as a burden. You’re staying put.
Merry: But, I can’t be the only one who doesn’t go to war! I’ll look like a wuss, majorly. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Théoden: Too bad, so sad. Later, little dude.
(Rides away and leaves Merry pouting. Then, outta nowhere, Éowyn rides up behind Merry and pulls him onto horse.)
Éowyn: Come on, little bro. We’re crashing this party.
Merry: Excellent!
(Down below, Théoden and Éomer have managed to get down that incredibly windy path in no time and are now riding through what remains of the camp.)
Éomer: Move it already! We’re going to war, not a luau.
Théoden: Last one there has to pick up all the horse dung!
(Suddenly, everyone’s on their horses, trying to get to the front of the line.)
(On the other side of Middle Earth, the orcs are marching on Gondor and the trolls are banging out “We Will Rock You” on their drums.)
Continued in Part 10
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 8
Chapter 30: Andúril, Flame of the West
(Cut to a Mysteriously Cloaked Figure on horse riding up impossibly windy mountain path. Cut to Aragorn, flipping and turning in throes of a nightmare. See shot of Arwen’s pledge to Aragorn.
Arwen: Do you remember what I told you, man?
Strider: You said you’d shag me senseless.
Arwen: And to that I hold.
See shot of Arwen knocked out, tongue lolling out of mouth, on “death bed” under tree in Rivendell. See Evenstar pendant dropping and shattering into a gazillion pieces.)
Aragorn: (waking up) NO! Not the necklace! Noooooooooo!
Random Rohirrim Rider: Um, Ranger Dude? Théoden Dude wants to see you, pronto.
Aragorn: Now? It’s like 8 o’clock!
(Gets up and follows Random Rohirrim Rider to Théoden’s tent, grumbling all the way. Enters tent and sees Théoden talking to Mysteriously Cloaked Figure.
Théoden: (to Aragorn) Good luck, man. (leaves)
(Mysteriously Cloaked Figure gets up and lets his cloak hood down, and it’s … Elrond!)
Aragorn: Dude, you’d you get here so fast?
Elrond: I have a jet.
Aragorn: Thanks for letting us borrow it.
Elrond: Well, if you had borrowed it, then I wouldn’t have had it to get here so quickly, now would I of?
Aragorn: Oh yeah, huh. … So what brings you here?
Elrond: I come on behalf of one whom I love. Arwen sends you this. (slaps Aragorn across the face – hard.)
Aragorn: OW! So rude! What the frick was that for?
Elrond: Don’t play dumb with me, Ranger Dude. I know you’re messing around with some skinny blonde bimbo, and I’m here to tell you that if you break my little girl’s heart, I so won’t hesitate to let her flail you alive. And she’ll flail you, man, don’t even doubt it.
Aragorn: What are you talking about? What skinny blond bimbo? Legolas? No way, dude, I don’t roll that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Elrond: Not Legolas. The blonde chick. Arwen’s all geared up and ready to come down here and wail on you and her both. I’ve subdued her for now, but one more blow like that to the head could do permanent damage.
Aragorn: I’m still not following.
Elrond: Look, it’s simple, kay. When Arwen comes to, you better be nowhere near the blonde chick or there’s no telling what might happen. So this is what you’re gonna do. Sauron’s marching on Gondor, right? But he’s also got bros sailing upstream. They’ll be at Minas Tirith in two days and you’ll be totally outnumbered.
Aragorn: Yeah, Gandalf already gave us that news flash. Tell me something I don’t know.
Elrond: You need more men, and this is how you’re getting ‘em. You’re taking a hike, Boy Scout. You’re gonna get your Happy Medium on and speak to the spooks in the mountain.
Aragorn: What?! No way, not even Shaggy could mellow them out, and he’s all about the mj.
Elrond: Well, you got something they didn’t have.
Aragorn: Rugged good looks?
Elrond: You wish. No, man, I’m talking about Andúril, Flame of the West, sired by the way righteous Shards of Narsil. (brings out sword from under cloak) Yeah baby, now that’s a sword!
Aragorn: (pulls sword out of scabbard) Shiny! I can totally see my reflection! I look good.
Elrond: (all intense) Go now, bro, and kick some Big Bad butt. Don’t let anything stand in your way. You so rule!
Aragorn: Dude, say it, don’t spray it.
Elrond: Look bro, you gotta put aside the Ranger and become who you were born to be.
Aragorn: What do you mean? Wasn’t I born to be me?
Elrond: Oh, don’t start confusing yourself, kay? It’s too crucial a time to have you spazing out now. Just remember: Ónen i-Estel Edain. “Live long and prosper.”
Aragorn: Ú-chebin Estel anim. “I shall do neither. I have killed my captain, and my friend.”
Elrond: You did?
Aragorn: Naw, I was just going with the moment.
Chapter 31: Aragorn Takes the Paths of the Dead
(Aragorn saddles up Brego and Éowyn comes outta nowhere, all worked up.)
Éowyn: You’re leaving? You can’t leave me! … Er, I mean, you so can’t leave the men. They’re counting on you, bro. They need you. We ride into battle tomorrow. You can’t just dump us by the wayside like a used up hamburger wrapper.
Aragorn: You really shouldn’t be here, dudette.
Éowyn: (getting teary) But, but…
Aragorn: Oh, don’t do the crying thing. Look, you’re a total hottie and maybe in another life, I’d totally dig you. But my butt is fried if I’m seen talking to you again.
Éowyn: But…
Aragorn: Sorry babe, but I’m spoken for and you’re off limits. But don’t fret. One day, in the far off distant future, you just might find someone else as equally handsome, smart, brave and sexy as myself. Sure, it’ll be a challenge, but you’re up to it! Sayonara dudette!
(Goes away quickly and leads horse through camp.)
Gimli: Yay! Road trip!
Aragorn: No way, stinky. You’re staying put.
Legolas: Don’t worry, Ranger Dude. I splashed him with fragrant-scented water while he was snoozing with the pigs. Now he’s pine-scenty.
Aragorn: Good thinkin’ bro. Kay then, let’s mosey.
(They ride out of camp and through the mountain pass. Everyone watches them leave.)
Gamling: They leave because there is no hope.
Théoden: Yep, we’re screwed big time.
Chapter 32: “No More Despair”
(Next morning, Éowyn’s watching the sunrise. Théoden comes up to stand in front of her.)
Éowyn: Hey, you’re blocking my view.
Théoden: Listen, babe, you’re in charge ‘round here while I’m gone. Give ‘em hell!
Éowyn: Yeah. Whatever.
Théoden: Aw, cheer up, dudette. You can’t be wasting your time weeping for those who’ve met their final wave. We all wipe out when it’s our time, but it’s all good. We get to go party with the Big Kahuna in the sky and that party NEVER ends! And the party will soon rage here again too, just you see. So no more worries, and no more weepy moany. Just remember:
(starts singing)
Child, don't you worry
It's enough you're growing up in such a hurry
Brings you down the news they sell you
To put in your mind that all mankind is a failure
But nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow
We try not to show how frightened we are
If you let me I'll protect you however I can
You've got to believe it'll be alright in the end
Éowyn: (sniffling) That was beautiful bro.
Théoden: I know. I’m so multi-talented, I sometimes even amaze myself.
Chapter 33: Dwimoberg: The Haunted Mountain
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are riding through some rock hills.)
Gimli: Dude, like, who’d want to live here? I mean, really, it’s all decrypted.
Legolas: You know what this reminds me of? Like, really, really tall anthills or something.
Gimli: Don’t tell me monster ants live down here. If this movie goes corny sci-fi, I’m so outta here.
Legolas: No bro, a bunch of neon green Scooby Doo-looking ghosts live down here.
Gimli: Oh, ok, that’s different then. So, why’re the ghosts spooking these haunts again?
Legolas: Cuz, like a really really really really really long time ago, they promised Dude Isildur to help him pulverize the Big Bad Dark Dude. But when the time came, they punked out and fled into the mountains to hide till it was over. Isildur got all offended, and he cursed them for their treachery. He said, “That’s it! You’re cursed!” And they were! And when they asked Isildur how long they were cursed for, Isildur said, “For – ev – ER!”
Gimli: “For – ev – ER?”
Legolas: Yeah, for – ev – ER! Or you know, until they fulfilled their oath. Whichever comes first.
(Scary shot of door with skulls all around it. Aragorn and company dismount and sneak up on door.)
Gimli: Is it cold here, or is it just me?
Legolas: (reading weird writing above doorway) “The way is shut. It is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it. The way is shut.” … Not exactly a Welcome mat is it?
Aragorn: They’re not big on guests are they?
(Scary-sounding breath comes out of cave and scares horses away.)
Aragorn: Brego! No! … That’s it! No one scares away MY horse! (marches into cave)
Legolas: (follows)
Gimli: Like some pointy eared elf is really gonna show me up! (follows)
Chapter 34: The Muster of Rohan
(Elsewhere that same morning, all the Random Rohirrim Riders are mounting their horses, putting out fires and hastily packing up camp. Théoden and Éomer come out of king’s tent.)
Théoden: Any word on Rick Cottontree?
Éomer: Nope, he’s splitsville.
Théoden: Oh well, we can’t be worrying about him. We gotta get moving and we gotta go quick. But not too quick. We gotta reach Minas Tirith with enough gusto left to rumble.
(Éomer goes off. More shots of hectic battle preparation. Théoden comes across Merry, who’s readying his pony.)
Théoden: Sorry, little dude, but just where you think you’re going?
Merry: I’m going to battle! See? I’m Esquire Guy!
Théoden: I don’t think so! You’ll get squashed, for sure, and none of my bros can bear you as a burden. You’re staying put.
Merry: But, I can’t be the only one who doesn’t go to war! I’ll look like a wuss, majorly. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Théoden: Too bad, so sad. Later, little dude.
(Rides away and leaves Merry pouting. Then, outta nowhere, Éowyn rides up behind Merry and pulls him onto horse.)
Éowyn: Come on, little bro. We’re crashing this party.
Merry: Excellent!
(Down below, Théoden and Éomer have managed to get down that incredibly windy path in no time and are now riding through what remains of the camp.)
Éomer: Move it already! We’re going to war, not a luau.
Théoden: Last one there has to pick up all the horse dung!
(Suddenly, everyone’s on their horses, trying to get to the front of the line.)
(On the other side of Middle Earth, the orcs are marching on Gondor and the trolls are banging out “We Will Rock You” on their drums.)
Continued in Part 10
