Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 08:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 9
Chapter 35: The Paths of the Dead
(Cut to every single spooky cave with skulls you have ever seen in any horror or action movie ever. Aragorn’s in the lead, carrying a torch that he got from NOWHERE. Gimli’s got his axe ready, in case some of the skulls decide to attack.)
Legolas: I can see shapes of men and horses.
Gimli: (wigging out) Where?!
Legolas: Right behind you, bro.
(Gimli twirls around and sees nothing.)
Legolas: Sike!
Gimli: Dude, you suck.
Legolas: No seriously, they’re right behind you bro. You just can’t see them, cuz you don’t have heightened Elven senses. See, they’re waving banners and flags around. They must be going to a football game or something. The Dead are following.
Gimli: The Dead! Dude, I love the Grateful Dead! They rock!
(starts singing)
Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through
Legolas: That was beautiful bro. But that’s not the kind of Dead I was talking about.
Gimli: Bummer.
(They walk through spooky green gas, which Gimli decides to defeat by blowing on it and only manages to hyperventilate.)
Aragorn: Don’t look down.
(Gimli looks down. Sees skulls. Freaks out big time.)
Legolas: So, like, where are all the other body parts. This is a good grip of skulls to come from nowhere.
Aragorn: Dude, everything comes from nowhere in these movies. Haven’t you figured that out yet?
(They come to a big open space with huge underground temple thingy. A GHOST comes … that’s right … outta nowhere.)
Ghost: Who enters my domain?
Aragorn: Um, we do.
Legolas: Wait a sec…
Ghost: No! No waiting! You better explain why you in my pad, man, and pronto.
Aragorn: We’re here to make you fight our war for us. Is that so wrong?
Ghost: Yeah, right! We’re dead, hello! And soon, you’re gonna be dead too. So there.
(A ghost CITY appears, followed by the entire ghost ARMY suffering from radioactive gangrene.)
Ghost: “The way is shut. It is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it. The way is shut.”
Aragorn: Yeah, thanks, but we already got that memo. Look, bud, I’m in charge here and I have the sword to prove it.
Ghost: Yeah, cuz we’re so scared of your little iddy biddy sword – not!
(Ghost charges, but Aragorn’s “iddy biddy sword” just happens to deflect the blow and Aragorn grabs the GHOST by its NECK.)
Aragorn: Wait a sec…
Legolas: That’s what I’m saying.
Ghost: Um, do you think you could loosen your grip, bro? You’re chocking me.
Aragorn: Chocking you? You’re a ghost… or ARE you?
(Rips off “ghost” head and…)
Gimli: Why, it’s Rick Cottontree, trying to get away with all your money!
Rick Cottontree: And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten kids!
Aragorn: Nice try bro, but you’re toast now. Tell your bros to back off.
Rick Cottontree: I would, but I’m pretty sure those dudes are really dead. Hence the costume. I was trying to blend.
(Legolas pulls out an arrow and shots randomly at a ghost. Arrow goes right through it.)
Legolas: Yep, they’re real.
Aragorn: Kay, then, um… Ghosts of the Dead, I am Aragorn, Dude of Arathorn, and if you fight for me, I’ll promise you’ll always have chains to rattle and I’ll feed Casper 24-7 through your cable network.
Ghosts: We hate Casper.
Aragorn: Hey, that’s totally negotiable. We could do The Crypt Keeper.
Ghosts: (considering) Could we get our very own resort and spa like the bros under the Barrow Downs?
Aragorn: Um, I don’t think so.
Ghosts: No deal then.
(Start to fade)
Aragorn: No, I meant, of course you can! Totally, whatever you want! Just, you gotta have more video games than just Pong. Deal?
(Ghosts keep fading, then ground starts shaking and an avalanche of SKULLS comes pouring outta nowhere.)
Rick Cottontree: Way to go, bro.
Gimli: Well, he wanted to go surfing.
Legolas: Um, shouldn’t we be running?
Aragorn: Oh, yeah, huh?
(They all start running and somehow miraculously manage to not get swept over the ledge into the abyss. They run out the side of the mountain and look down to see a bunch of black ships on the river, and Aragorn falls to his knees.)
Aragorn: Legolas.
Legolas: (coming over) Yeah, bro?
Aragorn: Are those black ships?
Legolas: Yep.
Aragorn: No chance they’re navy blue?
Legolas: Nope.
Aragorn: How bout midnight blue?
Legolas: No, bro, they’re black.
Aragorn: Maybe a very dark purple or green?
Rick Cottontree: Do you have a hearing impediment of some sort? This is disconcerting.
Aragorn: Legolas.
Legolas: Yeah bro?
Aragorn: Shut him up, will ya?
(Just then, ghosts reappear out of mountain. Aragorn gets up and waits for more skulls.)
Ghosts: We talked it over, and we’re willing to add Pac Man and Centipede.
Aragorn: Excellent!
Chapter 36: The Siege of Gondor
(Meanwhile, back at Gondor, trolls are pushing TOWERS toward Minas Tirith and Gondorians are cursing themselves for never bothering to dig a moat. One of the guards orders the gates open and a horse pulls a nearly dead Faramir inside and they cart him up to the Citadel. On Pelennor, the Jacked Up Looking Orc Lieutenant rides up on a warg and swaggers around like John Wayne with a leg cramp. Up at the Citadel, Denethor comes out and realizes his error in sending his son to certain doom.)
Denethor: Dude, he’s skewered!
Anonymous Blond Gondorian: No duh! What else you’d expect?
Gothmog: (on field) Kay, bros, let’s give em something to cry about.
Beetlejuice Orc: Catapults!
(Orcs start flinging heads – what’s with all the heads and skulls in this movie? – and soldiers freak out. Meanwhile, Denethor loses the little bit of sanity he still had.)
Denethor: My sons are all DEAD! My line is ended!
Pippin: Faramir? Dude? Dude! He’s alive, he just needs some medicine. Don’t you bros got a first aid kit or something?
Denethor: (ignoring him) There’s no more! No more I tell you! The Stewards are OVER! Why? WHY?!?! (sees massive orc army below, trolls are loading catapults with stones) We’re alone! Rohan’s abandoned us, the dweeb meisters.
(Catapults are released and the stones go straight through the walls, crumpling them. Dang, that’s some pretty crappy construction work. Is it made out of clay or something? Random Gondorian Citizens panic and scatter)
Denethor: Run! Take your fleas and run! Save yourselves!
Gandalf: Eh, shut up! (whacks Denethor in face with staff, knocking him out and everyone cheers) Prepare for battle!
(Massive bloody battle sequence follows, including mandatory shot of woman with child crying and citizens running for their lives. Nazgul come outta nowhere and go bowling again. One of the TOWERS reaches the walls and a grip of orcs comes pouring out. Pippin almost gets sliced and diced, but Gandalf puts his fighting gloves on and starts whacking them up and knocking them down, with just his STAFF. Fortunately, Pippin remembers what a sword is for and conveniently saves Gandalf from getting shish kebobbed. Orcs try to batter down the door with their little tiny battering ram.)
Gothmag: Dude, whatcha trying to do? Tickle the door open? Go get Grond!
Orcs: Grond! Grond! Grond!
(Trolls and strange-looking hippo things pull humongoid wolf-shaped battering ram to the door. Kewl!)
Chapter 37: Corsairs of Umbar
(Cut back to the ships of Umbar.)
(Cut to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Rick Cottontree standing on the shore. Aragorn’s flaunting his large sword.)
Rick Cottontree: (under his breath) His sword’s not that much bigger than mine.
Legolas: What?
Rick Cottontree: I didn’t say nothing.
Aragorn: (to pirates on the ships) Stop, in the name of me.
Pirate Captain: Yeah, right, as if! What are you gonna do, make us?
Rick Cottontree: You know, he does have a valid point.
Aragorn: Like that’s ever stopped me before! Legolas! Kill the big, fat, round dude!
Legolas: Why?
Aragorn: Because, he has no respect for time-honored literary masterpieces. Look at what he’s reading: LOTR, the Cliff’s Notes! He must be stopped!
Legolas: Is there no respect left in the world! That’s just soooo wrong. (draws arrow and kills big fat round dude)
Aragorn: We warned you suckas! Now turn about, or else!
Pirate Captain: Oh, reaaally! I dare to try something, dorkus.
Aragorn: You got it, dude.
(Dead Army comes out of nowhere and attacks the ships)
Pirate Crony #2: You just had to dare them, didn’t you?
Continued in Part 11
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 9
Chapter 35: The Paths of the Dead
(Cut to every single spooky cave with skulls you have ever seen in any horror or action movie ever. Aragorn’s in the lead, carrying a torch that he got from NOWHERE. Gimli’s got his axe ready, in case some of the skulls decide to attack.)
Legolas: I can see shapes of men and horses.
Gimli: (wigging out) Where?!
Legolas: Right behind you, bro.
(Gimli twirls around and sees nothing.)
Legolas: Sike!
Gimli: Dude, you suck.
Legolas: No seriously, they’re right behind you bro. You just can’t see them, cuz you don’t have heightened Elven senses. See, they’re waving banners and flags around. They must be going to a football game or something. The Dead are following.
Gimli: The Dead! Dude, I love the Grateful Dead! They rock!
(starts singing)
Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through
Legolas: That was beautiful bro. But that’s not the kind of Dead I was talking about.
Gimli: Bummer.
(They walk through spooky green gas, which Gimli decides to defeat by blowing on it and only manages to hyperventilate.)
Aragorn: Don’t look down.
(Gimli looks down. Sees skulls. Freaks out big time.)
Legolas: So, like, where are all the other body parts. This is a good grip of skulls to come from nowhere.
Aragorn: Dude, everything comes from nowhere in these movies. Haven’t you figured that out yet?
(They come to a big open space with huge underground temple thingy. A GHOST comes … that’s right … outta nowhere.)
Ghost: Who enters my domain?
Aragorn: Um, we do.
Legolas: Wait a sec…
Ghost: No! No waiting! You better explain why you in my pad, man, and pronto.
Aragorn: We’re here to make you fight our war for us. Is that so wrong?
Ghost: Yeah, right! We’re dead, hello! And soon, you’re gonna be dead too. So there.
(A ghost CITY appears, followed by the entire ghost ARMY suffering from radioactive gangrene.)
Ghost: “The way is shut. It is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it. The way is shut.”
Aragorn: Yeah, thanks, but we already got that memo. Look, bud, I’m in charge here and I have the sword to prove it.
Ghost: Yeah, cuz we’re so scared of your little iddy biddy sword – not!
(Ghost charges, but Aragorn’s “iddy biddy sword” just happens to deflect the blow and Aragorn grabs the GHOST by its NECK.)
Aragorn: Wait a sec…
Legolas: That’s what I’m saying.
Ghost: Um, do you think you could loosen your grip, bro? You’re chocking me.
Aragorn: Chocking you? You’re a ghost… or ARE you?
(Rips off “ghost” head and…)
Gimli: Why, it’s Rick Cottontree, trying to get away with all your money!
Rick Cottontree: And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten kids!
Aragorn: Nice try bro, but you’re toast now. Tell your bros to back off.
Rick Cottontree: I would, but I’m pretty sure those dudes are really dead. Hence the costume. I was trying to blend.
(Legolas pulls out an arrow and shots randomly at a ghost. Arrow goes right through it.)
Legolas: Yep, they’re real.
Aragorn: Kay, then, um… Ghosts of the Dead, I am Aragorn, Dude of Arathorn, and if you fight for me, I’ll promise you’ll always have chains to rattle and I’ll feed Casper 24-7 through your cable network.
Ghosts: We hate Casper.
Aragorn: Hey, that’s totally negotiable. We could do The Crypt Keeper.
Ghosts: (considering) Could we get our very own resort and spa like the bros under the Barrow Downs?
Aragorn: Um, I don’t think so.
Ghosts: No deal then.
(Start to fade)
Aragorn: No, I meant, of course you can! Totally, whatever you want! Just, you gotta have more video games than just Pong. Deal?
(Ghosts keep fading, then ground starts shaking and an avalanche of SKULLS comes pouring outta nowhere.)
Rick Cottontree: Way to go, bro.
Gimli: Well, he wanted to go surfing.
Legolas: Um, shouldn’t we be running?
Aragorn: Oh, yeah, huh?
(They all start running and somehow miraculously manage to not get swept over the ledge into the abyss. They run out the side of the mountain and look down to see a bunch of black ships on the river, and Aragorn falls to his knees.)
Aragorn: Legolas.
Legolas: (coming over) Yeah, bro?
Aragorn: Are those black ships?
Legolas: Yep.
Aragorn: No chance they’re navy blue?
Legolas: Nope.
Aragorn: How bout midnight blue?
Legolas: No, bro, they’re black.
Aragorn: Maybe a very dark purple or green?
Rick Cottontree: Do you have a hearing impediment of some sort? This is disconcerting.
Aragorn: Legolas.
Legolas: Yeah bro?
Aragorn: Shut him up, will ya?
(Just then, ghosts reappear out of mountain. Aragorn gets up and waits for more skulls.)
Ghosts: We talked it over, and we’re willing to add Pac Man and Centipede.
Aragorn: Excellent!
Chapter 36: The Siege of Gondor
(Meanwhile, back at Gondor, trolls are pushing TOWERS toward Minas Tirith and Gondorians are cursing themselves for never bothering to dig a moat. One of the guards orders the gates open and a horse pulls a nearly dead Faramir inside and they cart him up to the Citadel. On Pelennor, the Jacked Up Looking Orc Lieutenant rides up on a warg and swaggers around like John Wayne with a leg cramp. Up at the Citadel, Denethor comes out and realizes his error in sending his son to certain doom.)
Denethor: Dude, he’s skewered!
Anonymous Blond Gondorian: No duh! What else you’d expect?
Gothmog: (on field) Kay, bros, let’s give em something to cry about.
Beetlejuice Orc: Catapults!
(Orcs start flinging heads – what’s with all the heads and skulls in this movie? – and soldiers freak out. Meanwhile, Denethor loses the little bit of sanity he still had.)
Denethor: My sons are all DEAD! My line is ended!
Pippin: Faramir? Dude? Dude! He’s alive, he just needs some medicine. Don’t you bros got a first aid kit or something?
Denethor: (ignoring him) There’s no more! No more I tell you! The Stewards are OVER! Why? WHY?!?! (sees massive orc army below, trolls are loading catapults with stones) We’re alone! Rohan’s abandoned us, the dweeb meisters.
(Catapults are released and the stones go straight through the walls, crumpling them. Dang, that’s some pretty crappy construction work. Is it made out of clay or something? Random Gondorian Citizens panic and scatter)
Denethor: Run! Take your fleas and run! Save yourselves!
Gandalf: Eh, shut up! (whacks Denethor in face with staff, knocking him out and everyone cheers) Prepare for battle!
(Massive bloody battle sequence follows, including mandatory shot of woman with child crying and citizens running for their lives. Nazgul come outta nowhere and go bowling again. One of the TOWERS reaches the walls and a grip of orcs comes pouring out. Pippin almost gets sliced and diced, but Gandalf puts his fighting gloves on and starts whacking them up and knocking them down, with just his STAFF. Fortunately, Pippin remembers what a sword is for and conveniently saves Gandalf from getting shish kebobbed. Orcs try to batter down the door with their little tiny battering ram.)
Gothmag: Dude, whatcha trying to do? Tickle the door open? Go get Grond!
Orcs: Grond! Grond! Grond!
(Trolls and strange-looking hippo things pull humongoid wolf-shaped battering ram to the door. Kewl!)
Chapter 37: Corsairs of Umbar
(Cut back to the ships of Umbar.)
(Cut to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Rick Cottontree standing on the shore. Aragorn’s flaunting his large sword.)
Rick Cottontree: (under his breath) His sword’s not that much bigger than mine.
Legolas: What?
Rick Cottontree: I didn’t say nothing.
Aragorn: (to pirates on the ships) Stop, in the name of me.
Pirate Captain: Yeah, right, as if! What are you gonna do, make us?
Rick Cottontree: You know, he does have a valid point.
Aragorn: Like that’s ever stopped me before! Legolas! Kill the big, fat, round dude!
Legolas: Why?
Aragorn: Because, he has no respect for time-honored literary masterpieces. Look at what he’s reading: LOTR, the Cliff’s Notes! He must be stopped!
Legolas: Is there no respect left in the world! That’s just soooo wrong. (draws arrow and kills big fat round dude)
Aragorn: We warned you suckas! Now turn about, or else!
Pirate Captain: Oh, reaaally! I dare to try something, dorkus.
Aragorn: You got it, dude.
(Dead Army comes out of nowhere and attacks the ships)
Pirate Crony #2: You just had to dare them, didn’t you?
Continued in Part 11
