The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 04:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 11
Chapter 35 – Helm’s Deep
(The Rohirrim FINALLY make it to Helm’s Deep. Note that Eowyn has AGAIN changed her hairdo and clothes. While on the march. Now, just how did she manage that? Peasants rejoice at reaching their destination – if only they knew… Eowyn and company enter the Deep. Ok, now, where’d Eowyn’s basket come from? She spends the whole trip carrying NOTHING and only helps with the load once they’re there? What the heck! Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl find their mother.)
Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl: Mama!
Peasant Woman: There you at! Where the HELL have you been?! Get over here! Next time I send you to go get milk, you better get back, pronto!
(Eowyn keeps busy by telling everyone what to do.)
Eowyn: Dude, don’t go puttin’ the toiletries right next to the food – ew!
Old Man: Eh?
Eowyn: I SAID –
(Just then, the Random Rohirrim Riders come riding into the Deep. Eowyn runs over to meet them.)
Eowyn: So like, where’s everyone at?
Theoden: Who cares? At least we’re safe.
Gimli: Dudette.
Eowyn: Dwarf Dude! Where’s Aragorn?
Gimli: He fell.
Eowyn: And what? You didn’t help him up? So rude.
Gimli: No, babe, he fell over the cliff. Well, catapulted is more like it.
Eowyn: No way!
Gimli: That’s what the Elf keeps saying.
(Legolas goes walking by.)
Legolas: (muttering) But… but… just no way…
Eowyn: Bummer.
Gimli: Totally.
Eowyn: Well, scratch that plan then. … The Elf’s a prince right?
Gimli: Yeah, why?
Eowyn: Oh, no reason. (turns and follows Legolas)
Gimli: You know, I’m a pretty important bro among my people too! (follows after her)
(Elsewhere, Theoden’s taking the tour of Helm’s Deep.)
Theoden: No perps have ever taken over the Deep, cuz we got some majorly narly defenses. We got an anti-breach wall surrounding the outer fields…
Gamling: Um, no we don’t.
Theoden: We don’t? (squints into distance) Oh, that ain’t good. Well, in that case, um, tell everyone to get behind this little wall right here. You know, just in case. But at least we’re well armed. We got a coupla thousand bros at arms –
Gamling: Actually, it’s more like 300.
Theoden: What?! Since when?!
Gamling: (shrugs)
Theoden: Dude, we’re kinda screwed then. … Oh well, it’s not like Sharkey’ll ever think to look for us at our Biggest, Baddest, Most Ultimate Defense Fortress Ever. He’d be nuts to attempt it.
Gamling: Well, actually –
Theoden: Oh shut up! At least the Deep don’t got any weak spots.
(Gamling wisely keeps quiet as they walk past a river of ambiguous sources. Zoom in shot of drain where RATS are playing in the DIRT.)
Chapter 36: Isengard Unleashed
Grima: Helm’s Deep has but one weakness – this totally convenient drain at the base of the wall.
(Cut to Isengard where Saruman is playing with some DIRT.)
Grima: So, like, I figure we send someone up the drain, right, and drill through the grate. We could play the Mission Impossible theme song. It’ll be wicked cool! … Whatcha doing?
(He goes over with his little candle of FIRE and puts it dangerously close to the DIRT, but Saruman stops him right quick.)
Saruman: Dude, didn’t you learn your lesson when your eyebrows got singed off? Get back, geez! Now, where was I? Oh yeah! Pulverizing the Horse Dudes.
Grima: Like, not to poop on your parade or nothing, but how’re you gonna cream Rohan? You’ll need like thousands upon thousands to get through the Deep.
Saruman: Tens of thousands.
Grima: So, where we sposed to get an army like that, huh?
Saruman: Are you a flippin’ moron or something? (goes outside where there are LOTS of super orcs standing around for no apparent reason.) Like, what the frick did you think I’ve been doing here all this time?
Grima: What? I thought you had a dating service or something goin’.
Saruman: A dating service?!
Grima: Hey, you were the one always blabbing about breeding, kay!
(Super orcs start chanting. Saruman raises his hand. They shut up.)
Saruman: (singing)
Don’t cry for me, my super orcses
It’s true that some of you will die
But that’s all right
Cuz there’s plenty more
Where you all came from.
Super Orcs: What the – ? Is he singing again?
Grima: (crying) Dude, that was so beautiful.
Saruman: Well, what the frick are you waiting for?! Go kick some Horse Dude butt! Battle on!
Super Orcs: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saruman: Take that Théoden Dude.
(Super orcs go marching off horribly.)
(Elsewhere, Merry and Pippin are STILL in this movie! And they’re STILL riding around on Treebeard’s not so comfortable perches. You gotta kind of wonder at this point, just how many splinters DO they have in their keisters?)
Treebeard: Golly, bros, I don’t know about this.
Pippin: Aw, come on, bro, you’re doing great. Vastly improved over this morning. Try another one.
Treebeard: Okkie dokkie, then: the kewl phat whack on the upscale, yo.
Merry: And yet, you have so much further to go. This is gonna be way harder than I thought.
Treebeard: I like these new words! They’re nifty kewl slammin’.
Merry: (hides face in hands)
Pippin: Smoke!
Merry: Yes, please. I sooo need to get high.
Pippin: No, dorkus. There’s smoke to the South.
Treebeard: That’s Isengard. There’s always a way warped stream of smoke coming from yonder these days.
Merry: Isengard? (gets up to look) Maybe it’s not too late to get captured.
Pippin: (following him and seeing the super orcs marching away) Or maybe it is.
Merry: Bogus.
Pippin: Totally.
Treebeard: There used to be a time when Sharkey would stroll through my pads but that was so five minutes ago. Now he’s all about the metal and wheels.
Pippin: Can’t blame a bro being into his tunes and cars.
Merry: No, coz, not THAT kind of metal and wheels.
Pippin: Oh, yeah, huh. What are those little ant thingies?
Merry: Saruman’s army.
Pippin: Dude, you’d think they’d be bigger.
Merry: Pip – you know what, never mind, I don’t even have the energy.
Pippin: To what?
Merry: Explain about the war.
Pippin: What war?
Merry: Pippin!
Treebeard: The war of Men and Orcs, duh! That’s where we’re going, bros, to meet the others and rap bout the war.
Merry & Pippin: (like deer caught in headlights) Others?
Chapter 37: The Grace of the Valar
(Cut to some river. Aragorn’s floating down it.)
Aragorn: Finally get some time to chill a little.
(Later on, he’s sun bathing on the rocky shore. Arwen magically appears floating over him.)
Arwen: So, who’s the blonde chick? And why the frick does Legolas have your necklace? What’s that about? You just had to lose it, didn’t you bro? And I see you finally decided to take a bath. Is that cuz of the blonde chick? If she so much as touches you…
Aragorn: So, this is your plan? To nag me back into reality?
Arwen: Pretty much, yeah.
Aragorn: Then do you mind waiting five minutes? I’m just about done with this side, and you’re blocking my light.
Arwen: Oh, forget it. But I’m watching you, bub. (disappears)
(Aragorn rolls over. Little while later, Brego comes outta NOWHERE and nuzzles up to Aragorn.)
Aragorn: Horsey! Hey, I know I like totally set you free and junk, but you think you might wanna give me a lift here?
Brego: Neeeeiiigghh! Only if I get to snog you first.
Aragorn: Kay, but make it quick. I got my dignitude to maintain here.
Chapter 38: Arwen’s Fate
(Back in Rivendell. Arwen’s lazing about looking forlorn. Elrond comes up and starts ragging on her.)
Elrond: Tollen i lû. I chair gwannar na Valannor. Si bado, no círar. Kay, sweetie, I’ve let you mope and swoon long enough. You’re sooo going to Valinor now. And the ship’s already waiting, so there’s no point arguing.
Arwen: Dude, I’m a bazillion years old! I don’t gotta listen to you no more.
Elrond: Don’t get sassy with me, girlie-girl. He’s gone, get over it and move on.
Arwen: Wow, you know, that actually made me want to stay here more.
Elrond: (attempts reverse psychology) Kay then, let’s say he does come back. He defeats the Big Bad Dark Dude, gets to play King for awhile. You get married, bang out a coupla kids maybe, then what? He’ll be all old and geriatric and you’re still as young as ever, even though you’re mortal and really should be aging, but you don’t but it’s confusing so we won’t go into it, it’s just how it is, kay? So anyways, he croaks and you spend the rest of your days wandering round the meadows, crying your eyes out till you eventually croak too. Is that really what you want?
Arwen: Well, not when you put it that way.
Elrond: There’s nothing for you here. Only … DEATH! (goes and sits next to her) Ah im, ú-'erin veleth lîn? Wouldn’t you rather live forever? I’ll give you free reign to my credit cards.
Arwen: Gerich veleth nîn, ada. Even the platinum?
Elrond: Even the platinum.
Arwen: Oh, daddy!
(Touching mushy father/daughter moment.)
Chapter 39: The Story Foreseen From Lorien
(Elrond’s watching the Elves and Arwen leave Rivendell, when he suddenly hears something on the wind.)
Galadriel: (in spooky telepathy voice) I amar prestar aen. Han mathon ne nen Han mathon ne chae A han noston ned 'wilith
Elrond: Dude, can’t you just say ‘Hello’ like a normal person?
Galadriel: No. And you’re interrupting me, so rude.
Elrond: Listen, lady…
Galadriel: Yes, dude-who-stole-my-daughter?
Elrond: Um, never mind.
Galadriel: Yeah, you’re not so keen when it happens to you, are ya?
Elrond: So, like, what’d you want again?
Galadriel: Huh? Oh! Right. … So, like, this is how it’s goin’ down, kay? The wickedly warped righteousness of the Big Bad Dark Dude is growing. The Eye-man will use his boy Sharkey to obliterate the Horse Dudes. Isengard has been unleashed, not that it was ever really leashed, I mean, how do you leash a tower? (stares off absently into distance) Huh, well, anyways, the Eye has turned its way narly gaze to Gondor, the last free Kingdom of Dudes. He’ll overrun it for sure, before they even knew what hit em. He senses the Ring is close and that the Ring Dude is about to go all kinds of freaky. In his heart of hearts, Frodo begins to understand, finally, that he’s so totally screwed beyond belief, it ain’t even funny. So like, what were you thinking, letting him go when you knew he would fail? Hello! Smart move there moron, geez. Now the dark’s getting all darker, and the Ring is totally getting stronger the closer it gets to Mordor, like Popeye strung out on spinach. It’s so close to Dudes, who will take it as their Pretty and love it forever and ever, its practically wetting itself, if it could wet itself, but it can’t but you get the point. Right? Well, here’s the point then: the Ring’s about to win! The Eye-man will be the Ultimate Power of the Universe, for like forever and a day. We Elves sooo need to get outta here before that happens. So like, when did you say that ship was leaving again, bro?
Elrond: Look, like, I appreciate the 411 and all, but tell me something I didn’t know. I mean, really, what was the point in all that?
Galadriel: I have a contractual obligation to be in all three movies, and the poor saps in the audience who haven’t read the books were getting lost.
Elrond: Oh, ok.
Galadriel: So now what do we do?
Elrond: I’m thinking poker tournament.
Galadriel: Good call. I’ll be right over.
Elrond: Bring the Hubby along with. He’s always good for losing.
Galadriel: Hey!
Elrond: Well he is.
Galadriel: I know, but still!
Continued in Part 13
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 11
Chapter 35 – Helm’s Deep
(The Rohirrim FINALLY make it to Helm’s Deep. Note that Eowyn has AGAIN changed her hairdo and clothes. While on the march. Now, just how did she manage that? Peasants rejoice at reaching their destination – if only they knew… Eowyn and company enter the Deep. Ok, now, where’d Eowyn’s basket come from? She spends the whole trip carrying NOTHING and only helps with the load once they’re there? What the heck! Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl find their mother.)
Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl: Mama!
Peasant Woman: There you at! Where the HELL have you been?! Get over here! Next time I send you to go get milk, you better get back, pronto!
(Eowyn keeps busy by telling everyone what to do.)
Eowyn: Dude, don’t go puttin’ the toiletries right next to the food – ew!
Old Man: Eh?
Eowyn: I SAID –
(Just then, the Random Rohirrim Riders come riding into the Deep. Eowyn runs over to meet them.)
Eowyn: So like, where’s everyone at?
Theoden: Who cares? At least we’re safe.
Gimli: Dudette.
Eowyn: Dwarf Dude! Where’s Aragorn?
Gimli: He fell.
Eowyn: And what? You didn’t help him up? So rude.
Gimli: No, babe, he fell over the cliff. Well, catapulted is more like it.
Eowyn: No way!
Gimli: That’s what the Elf keeps saying.
(Legolas goes walking by.)
Legolas: (muttering) But… but… just no way…
Eowyn: Bummer.
Gimli: Totally.
Eowyn: Well, scratch that plan then. … The Elf’s a prince right?
Gimli: Yeah, why?
Eowyn: Oh, no reason. (turns and follows Legolas)
Gimli: You know, I’m a pretty important bro among my people too! (follows after her)
(Elsewhere, Theoden’s taking the tour of Helm’s Deep.)
Theoden: No perps have ever taken over the Deep, cuz we got some majorly narly defenses. We got an anti-breach wall surrounding the outer fields…
Gamling: Um, no we don’t.
Theoden: We don’t? (squints into distance) Oh, that ain’t good. Well, in that case, um, tell everyone to get behind this little wall right here. You know, just in case. But at least we’re well armed. We got a coupla thousand bros at arms –
Gamling: Actually, it’s more like 300.
Theoden: What?! Since when?!
Gamling: (shrugs)
Theoden: Dude, we’re kinda screwed then. … Oh well, it’s not like Sharkey’ll ever think to look for us at our Biggest, Baddest, Most Ultimate Defense Fortress Ever. He’d be nuts to attempt it.
Gamling: Well, actually –
Theoden: Oh shut up! At least the Deep don’t got any weak spots.
(Gamling wisely keeps quiet as they walk past a river of ambiguous sources. Zoom in shot of drain where RATS are playing in the DIRT.)
Chapter 36: Isengard Unleashed
Grima: Helm’s Deep has but one weakness – this totally convenient drain at the base of the wall.
(Cut to Isengard where Saruman is playing with some DIRT.)
Grima: So, like, I figure we send someone up the drain, right, and drill through the grate. We could play the Mission Impossible theme song. It’ll be wicked cool! … Whatcha doing?
(He goes over with his little candle of FIRE and puts it dangerously close to the DIRT, but Saruman stops him right quick.)
Saruman: Dude, didn’t you learn your lesson when your eyebrows got singed off? Get back, geez! Now, where was I? Oh yeah! Pulverizing the Horse Dudes.
Grima: Like, not to poop on your parade or nothing, but how’re you gonna cream Rohan? You’ll need like thousands upon thousands to get through the Deep.
Saruman: Tens of thousands.
Grima: So, where we sposed to get an army like that, huh?
Saruman: Are you a flippin’ moron or something? (goes outside where there are LOTS of super orcs standing around for no apparent reason.) Like, what the frick did you think I’ve been doing here all this time?
Grima: What? I thought you had a dating service or something goin’.
Saruman: A dating service?!
Grima: Hey, you were the one always blabbing about breeding, kay!
(Super orcs start chanting. Saruman raises his hand. They shut up.)
Saruman: (singing)
Don’t cry for me, my super orcses
It’s true that some of you will die
But that’s all right
Cuz there’s plenty more
Where you all came from.
Super Orcs: What the – ? Is he singing again?
Grima: (crying) Dude, that was so beautiful.
Saruman: Well, what the frick are you waiting for?! Go kick some Horse Dude butt! Battle on!
Super Orcs: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saruman: Take that Théoden Dude.
(Super orcs go marching off horribly.)
(Elsewhere, Merry and Pippin are STILL in this movie! And they’re STILL riding around on Treebeard’s not so comfortable perches. You gotta kind of wonder at this point, just how many splinters DO they have in their keisters?)
Treebeard: Golly, bros, I don’t know about this.
Pippin: Aw, come on, bro, you’re doing great. Vastly improved over this morning. Try another one.
Treebeard: Okkie dokkie, then: the kewl phat whack on the upscale, yo.
Merry: And yet, you have so much further to go. This is gonna be way harder than I thought.
Treebeard: I like these new words! They’re nifty kewl slammin’.
Merry: (hides face in hands)
Pippin: Smoke!
Merry: Yes, please. I sooo need to get high.
Pippin: No, dorkus. There’s smoke to the South.
Treebeard: That’s Isengard. There’s always a way warped stream of smoke coming from yonder these days.
Merry: Isengard? (gets up to look) Maybe it’s not too late to get captured.
Pippin: (following him and seeing the super orcs marching away) Or maybe it is.
Merry: Bogus.
Pippin: Totally.
Treebeard: There used to be a time when Sharkey would stroll through my pads but that was so five minutes ago. Now he’s all about the metal and wheels.
Pippin: Can’t blame a bro being into his tunes and cars.
Merry: No, coz, not THAT kind of metal and wheels.
Pippin: Oh, yeah, huh. What are those little ant thingies?
Merry: Saruman’s army.
Pippin: Dude, you’d think they’d be bigger.
Merry: Pip – you know what, never mind, I don’t even have the energy.
Pippin: To what?
Merry: Explain about the war.
Pippin: What war?
Merry: Pippin!
Treebeard: The war of Men and Orcs, duh! That’s where we’re going, bros, to meet the others and rap bout the war.
Merry & Pippin: (like deer caught in headlights) Others?
Chapter 37: The Grace of the Valar
(Cut to some river. Aragorn’s floating down it.)
Aragorn: Finally get some time to chill a little.
(Later on, he’s sun bathing on the rocky shore. Arwen magically appears floating over him.)
Arwen: So, who’s the blonde chick? And why the frick does Legolas have your necklace? What’s that about? You just had to lose it, didn’t you bro? And I see you finally decided to take a bath. Is that cuz of the blonde chick? If she so much as touches you…
Aragorn: So, this is your plan? To nag me back into reality?
Arwen: Pretty much, yeah.
Aragorn: Then do you mind waiting five minutes? I’m just about done with this side, and you’re blocking my light.
Arwen: Oh, forget it. But I’m watching you, bub. (disappears)
(Aragorn rolls over. Little while later, Brego comes outta NOWHERE and nuzzles up to Aragorn.)
Aragorn: Horsey! Hey, I know I like totally set you free and junk, but you think you might wanna give me a lift here?
Brego: Neeeeiiigghh! Only if I get to snog you first.
Aragorn: Kay, but make it quick. I got my dignitude to maintain here.
Chapter 38: Arwen’s Fate
(Back in Rivendell. Arwen’s lazing about looking forlorn. Elrond comes up and starts ragging on her.)
Elrond: Tollen i lû. I chair gwannar na Valannor. Si bado, no círar. Kay, sweetie, I’ve let you mope and swoon long enough. You’re sooo going to Valinor now. And the ship’s already waiting, so there’s no point arguing.
Arwen: Dude, I’m a bazillion years old! I don’t gotta listen to you no more.
Elrond: Don’t get sassy with me, girlie-girl. He’s gone, get over it and move on.
Arwen: Wow, you know, that actually made me want to stay here more.
Elrond: (attempts reverse psychology) Kay then, let’s say he does come back. He defeats the Big Bad Dark Dude, gets to play King for awhile. You get married, bang out a coupla kids maybe, then what? He’ll be all old and geriatric and you’re still as young as ever, even though you’re mortal and really should be aging, but you don’t but it’s confusing so we won’t go into it, it’s just how it is, kay? So anyways, he croaks and you spend the rest of your days wandering round the meadows, crying your eyes out till you eventually croak too. Is that really what you want?
Arwen: Well, not when you put it that way.
Elrond: There’s nothing for you here. Only … DEATH! (goes and sits next to her) Ah im, ú-'erin veleth lîn? Wouldn’t you rather live forever? I’ll give you free reign to my credit cards.
Arwen: Gerich veleth nîn, ada. Even the platinum?
Elrond: Even the platinum.
Arwen: Oh, daddy!
(Touching mushy father/daughter moment.)
Chapter 39: The Story Foreseen From Lorien
(Elrond’s watching the Elves and Arwen leave Rivendell, when he suddenly hears something on the wind.)
Galadriel: (in spooky telepathy voice) I amar prestar aen. Han mathon ne nen Han mathon ne chae A han noston ned 'wilith
Elrond: Dude, can’t you just say ‘Hello’ like a normal person?
Galadriel: No. And you’re interrupting me, so rude.
Elrond: Listen, lady…
Galadriel: Yes, dude-who-stole-my-daughter?
Elrond: Um, never mind.
Galadriel: Yeah, you’re not so keen when it happens to you, are ya?
Elrond: So, like, what’d you want again?
Galadriel: Huh? Oh! Right. … So, like, this is how it’s goin’ down, kay? The wickedly warped righteousness of the Big Bad Dark Dude is growing. The Eye-man will use his boy Sharkey to obliterate the Horse Dudes. Isengard has been unleashed, not that it was ever really leashed, I mean, how do you leash a tower? (stares off absently into distance) Huh, well, anyways, the Eye has turned its way narly gaze to Gondor, the last free Kingdom of Dudes. He’ll overrun it for sure, before they even knew what hit em. He senses the Ring is close and that the Ring Dude is about to go all kinds of freaky. In his heart of hearts, Frodo begins to understand, finally, that he’s so totally screwed beyond belief, it ain’t even funny. So like, what were you thinking, letting him go when you knew he would fail? Hello! Smart move there moron, geez. Now the dark’s getting all darker, and the Ring is totally getting stronger the closer it gets to Mordor, like Popeye strung out on spinach. It’s so close to Dudes, who will take it as their Pretty and love it forever and ever, its practically wetting itself, if it could wet itself, but it can’t but you get the point. Right? Well, here’s the point then: the Ring’s about to win! The Eye-man will be the Ultimate Power of the Universe, for like forever and a day. We Elves sooo need to get outta here before that happens. So like, when did you say that ship was leaving again, bro?
Elrond: Look, like, I appreciate the 411 and all, but tell me something I didn’t know. I mean, really, what was the point in all that?
Galadriel: I have a contractual obligation to be in all three movies, and the poor saps in the audience who haven’t read the books were getting lost.
Elrond: Oh, ok.
Galadriel: So now what do we do?
Elrond: I’m thinking poker tournament.
Galadriel: Good call. I’ll be right over.
Elrond: Bring the Hubby along with. He’s always good for losing.
Galadriel: Hey!
Elrond: Well he is.
Galadriel: I know, but still!
Continued in Part 13
