The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 10
Chapter 31: Dwarf Women
(The Horse Dudes are moseying along, taking their sweet time like they don’t have a care in the world, even though they’re supposedly running from the enemy who wants to kill them ALL! Gimli’s giving everyone a lesson in Dwarf Women Anatomy 101.)
Gimli: Dude, our babes are hard! They’re stacked AND ripped! That’s probly why they get mistaken for men so much.
Aragorn: Really? I thought it was cuz of the beards.
Eowyn: Bearded dwarf women? You could start a circus.
Gimli: Now, that was just low, babe.
(Attempts to say more, but the horse spooks from absolutely NOTHING and goes bolting away. Gimli falls off. Eowyn goes to help him up.)
Gimli: What? I meant to do that.
Eowyn: Yeah, right.
Gimli: No really.
(Eowyn and Aragorn have lovey dovey moment, before Aragorn remembers himself and diverts eye contact.)
Chapter 32: One of the Dunedain
(Just then, Theoden comes riding up next to Aragorn.)
Theoden: So, what’s the prob with my niece? She smell or something? Why haven’t you made a move yet? She not good enough for you?
Aragorn: Um –
Theoden: She’s had it hard, ya know. Dad got jacked up by some orcs, then her mom keeled over from crying too much, then I got mind warped by The Carpenters when I shoulda been taking care of her. She practically had to raise herself, and you know how much kids suck at that.
Aragorn: Um, yeah… sure.
(Later on. The Rohirrim are lazing about. Eowyn’s walking around, trying to find guinea pigs for her soup experiment. Gimli manages to get away, but Aragorn is attempting to sunbathe again and so doesn’t stand a chance. Note that Eowyn has again changed her hairdo.)
Eowyn: Soup, bro? It ain’t much, but it’s hot. Very, very hot.
Aragorn: (takes bowl and looks at soup) Dude, I don’t even think it’s dead yet. It’s just hurt and angry.
Eowyn: You’re not gonna try it? (pouts)
Aragorn: Oh all right. (attempts to eat and miraculously manages to swallow, but then dry heaves for 10 minutes) It’s … good.
Eowyn: Really!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah. Like nothing I ever had before.
(Eowyn starts walking away, but then turns around and catches Aragorn attempting to dump the soup.)
Aragorn: What? It slipped. (takes another grimacing bite) Mmm! So good!
Eowyn: You know, maybe my uncle’s still a little whacked, cuz he said he remembers you fighting along with Thengel, my grand-dude.
Aragorn: Yep, that’d be me.
Eowyn: Get out!
Aragorn: Oh, thank you! (starts to leave)
Eowyn: Hey, where you goin’?
Aragorn: Oh, sorry. Um, you didn’t mean that literally?
Eowyn: No.
Aragorn: Dang it! (sits back down)
Eowyn: So, like, you must be old then, like 60 or something.
Aragorn: Higher.
Eowyn: 70? … 80?
Aragorn: 87.
Eowyn: (suddenly realizing something) You must be one of the Dunedain, blessed with frickin long life. Whoa!
Aragorn: (pretending to be bashful) Please, it’s no big.
Eowyn: But it is! It’s – wow. I thought all the Dunedain were ancient history, like, from a really really really really really really really long time ago.
Aragorn: Like, you so know how to make a bro feel young, ya know?
Eowyn: I’m so honored! (dumps more soup in his bowl) Eat up, Ranger Dude!
Aragorn: Aw, man
Chapter 33: The Evenstar
(That night. Aragorn’s smoking some pipeweed in a vain attempt to cover up the after-taste of the soup when he suddenly hears something.)
Arwen: (in spooky voice over) The light of the Evenstar sees all. You got some explaining to do, bub.
[Screen does that weird dream fade warp thingie. Now, Aragorn’s all dressed up glitzy like and back in Rivendell. Arwen’s there, leaning over him.]
Arwen: Like, are you asleep? Wake up and keep me company.
Aragorn: I was asleep. (opens eyes and sees Arwen and where he is) Kay, so, this is dream then?
Arwen: Um, no, it’s a flashback. Don’t go confusing the audience unnecessarily like that, man, it ain’t nice. (leans down and kisses him) Sleep.
Aragorn: But, you just told me to wake up. Make up your mind, geez.
Arwen: Oh, yeah, huh? Then get up, already.
Aragorn: But I’m comfy.
[Arwen gives up and goes to stand looking out at the scenery, and all the guys in the audience spend the rest of the scene looking at her, um, scenery in her somewhat see-through dress]
Aragorn: Minlû pedich nin i aur hen telitha. Dude, is that the dress I think it is?
Arwen: Ú i vethed nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. Is that ALL you ever think about? We’re supposed to be talking about Frodo. Focus, will ya?
[Aragorn gets up and tries to cuddle up with her, but she resists]
Aragorn: Dolen i vâd o nin. That little buzz kill? No way. Let’s talk about your promise to shag me senseless.
Arwen: Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. Oh, please! Like I’d really give it up now, I mean, really. Still not King! Hello!
[She pushes him away]
Aragorn: Ah, come on, babe! You’re such a tease! (tries to get fresh)
Arwen: Ae ú-esteliach nad, estelio han, estelio ammen. Look, bro, I didn’t put this on to have you hounding me. Don’t make me have to change.
Aragorn: Edra le men, men na guil edwen, haer o auth a nîr a naeth. I know what you need: a serenade!
(Starts singing)
You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceiling
And ooh wee it's the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Arwen: Oh, bother. I knew I shouldn’t have worn this dress.
[End flashback-dream sequence]
(Next day. The Rohirrim are on the move again. Eowyn comes up to walk next to Aragorn and starts interrogating him none too subtly.)
Eowyn: So, that’s a pretty excellent jewel. It’s kinda girlie though. Where’d ya get it?
(Aragorn doesn’t answer but stares out blankly at nothing. Another flashback.)
[Aragorn and Elrond are back in the graveyard near Gilraen’s headstone.]
Elrond: Look, bro, before you go, I should make it clear, perfectly and absolutely, no matter what you do, you’ll never be worthy enough for Arwen.
Aragorn: But you just said - !
Elrond: Dude, don’t tell me what I just said. I totally reserve the right to change my mind and send my daughter packing, so don’t do anything to tick me off. I’ll send her to Valinor and she’ll just have to get over you.
Aragorn: She wouldn’t ever forget me.
Elrond: Probly not, but she’d still be far, far away from you, and that’s good enough for me.
Aragorn: You Elves are way too overprotective. She wants me, so deal.
Elrond: Dude, now, what’d I just say? Don’t tick me off!
[Aragorn realizes he went too far and goes away quickly. Next morning, the Dudeship’s waiting to head off. Aragorn’s getting ready to go. Arwen comes outta nowhere. Note that she DID indeed change her clothes and is much more covered up now than she was before. Smart girl.]
Arwen: Nach gwannatha sin? Ma nathach hi gwannathach or minuial archened? So, you’re just gonna sneak off are you? Just cuz you didn’t get lucky. You’re such a baby!
Aragorn: U-ethelithon. Shhh! Someone might hear you!
Arwen: Estelio guru lîn ne dagor. Ethelithach. Oh, please, everyone already knows anyway – telepathic powers, duh!
Aragorn: U-bedin o gurth ne dagor. Dang it! I forgot about that!
Arwen: O man pedich? Look, if it means so much, we can snog a little before you leave, kay?
Aragorn: Edra le men, men na guil edwen, haer o auth a nîr a naeth Look, babe, you can’t just go around teasing a bro like that. Sides, you got a chance for another life, away from all this craziness.
Arwen: What are you talking about? I like the crazy.
Aragorn: You’re an Elf-babe, I’m a Dude. It was a dream, Arwen.
Arwen: No, it was a flashback.
Aragorn: You know what I mean! (gives her back the pendant)
Arwen: Nice try, pal. (gives it back) You’re totally keeping that and if you ever loose it, it’ll so be your hide.
[End flashback]
(Back in the present, Eowyn’s getting sick of waiting for an answer.)
Eowyn: Hello, Middle Earth to Ranger Dude!
Aragorn: Huh? Oh! Yeah, sorry. Um ... where were we?
Eowyn: Where’d ya get the necklace?
Aragorn: Oh, I got that from my honey. She left me for a yacht club membership to the Undying Lands.
Eowyn: (encouraged) Oh, that’s too bad. You know, those long distance relationships never work out. But I’m right here.
Aragorn: Um, ok.
Chapter 34: The Wolves of Isengard
(Just then, Gamling and Hama go riding by and pass up Legolas, who’s looking around confusedly.)
Legolas: Hold it. … Is this Sunday? And we’re by rocks, again. … This should probly remind me of something.
(Suddenly, outta nowhere, a big honking warg comes jumping down on Hama.)
Hama: Dude, what the frick?! I’m not supposed to die yet!
Orc Rider #3278: Sucks to be you then, doesn’t it.
(Warg finishes off Hama. Legolas finally snaps out of his confusion to shoot the warg dead.)
Legolas: Dude, you’re so totally late!
Orc Rider #3278: Like, we never said what Sunday we were gonna attack ya. Duh!
Legolas: Oh yeah, well…
(He can’t think of a snappy comeback, so he just slices the orc’s throat open. Meanwhile, Aragorn has actually HEARD the disturbance and uses the opportunity to get away from Eowyn.)
Aragorn: Hey, bro, what up?
Legolas: Duh! Use your eyes for once.
Aragorn: Well, you don’t gotta be all prissy about it. (goes running down the hill)
Theoden: So, like, what was all that racket about?
Aragorn: WARGS!
(Everyone freaks out.)
Theoden: Riders assemble! Fall into formation!
(Gimli attempts to get on his horse, but just can’t pass up the opportunity for yet more comic relief. Meanwhile, Legolas decides to stare down the enemy in an attempt to ward off further attack. It doesn’t work. The Rohan peasants show an amazing range of emotion and agility as they scream for dear life and run about horrified. Theoden notices Eowyn getting ready to ride.)
Theoden: Like, where you think you’re going?
Eowyn: I’m gonna fight.
Theoden: I sooo don’t think so! You’re a girl!
Eowyn: Dude, that is so sexist.
Theoden: Yep, we’re all about the gender bias.
Eowyn: But…
Theoden: Fine, you want to feel important? Then why don’t you lead this group of whiners to Helm’s Deep so they don’t get in the way and no one has to do anything cliché, like, rescue some stupid dumb kid from getting trampled. Please? For me?
Eowyn: Fine, whatever, bro.
(She pouts while Theoden goes riding off. Aragorn finally gets on his horse and rides off. Gimli meanwhile, it trying to get his horse out of reverse. Eowyn attempts to shepherd the panicking peasants and turns around just in time to notice Aragorn checking her out. Aragorn realizes he’s been caught and rides away quickly. Meanwhile, Legolas is taking his sweet ole time knocking down the wargs, that are STILL coming over the hill exactly as they were the last time we saw them.)
Legolas: And that’s one… And that’s two… And that’s… my horse!
(Random Rohirrim Riders come riding up. Gimli has managed to get his horse out of reverse and Legolas does the most impossible, unbelievable horse mount of ALL TIME. Majorly bloody battle with completely obvious CGI wargs follows. Gimli once again falls off his horse.)
Legolas: Dude! Can’t you EVER stay on?
Gimli: What?! You try riding with short, stubby legs, see how you do!
Legolas: Warg!
Gimli: Ogre!
Legolas: No, moron! Warg! (kills warg that’s about to make Gimli an appetizer.)
Gimli: Hey, that was mine! I so totally saw that!
Legolas: Yeah, sure bro.
(Gimli somehow manages to get trapped under another warg. Then an orc, which he kills and then promptly sniffs. Dude, like, what’s with him and the sniffing? Then another warg comes up. Luckily for him, Aragorn manages to see it just in time and kill it. Now, just how is Gimli NOT getting crushed to death? All the heroes get their hero shot to ensure the audience that they haven’t died yet. Aragorn decides to go warg-riding with an orc.)
Aragorn: Hey, bro, mind if I join ya? I’ve always wanted to try one of these out.
Orc Rider #1312: Dude, get off!
Aragorn: Aw, come on, man – share a little, geez. And hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you bros supposed to be afraid of the daylight? Can I drive?
Orc Rider #1312: No!
(They start fighting over the reigns. The orc falls off and grabs Aragorn’s necklace as Aragorn gets caught in the straps.)
Aragorn: Dude, no! My girlfriend’s so totally gonna kill me if I lose that!
(But he soon finds out he doesn’t have to worry about that as he go sailing over the cliff that the warg is obviously too blind to see. Battle ends. Heroes get their hero shot to ensure the audience that they’re all still alive. Legolas notices Aragorn’s missing and goes looking for him.)
Legolas: Aragorn?! Dude! You’re missing your hero shot!
Gimli: Come on, bro, you’re holding up the show! So not cool!
Orc Rider #1312: He took the high dive over shallow water – literally.
Gimli: Huh?
Orc Rider #1312: He fell.
Legolas: Naw-huh! That’s sooo not probable!
Gimli: Inconceivable!
Orc Rider #1312: It so totally i- *dies*
(Legolas notices the necklace and filches it back. Then he and Gimli go to stand with Theoden by the cliff.)
Theoden: I don’t see him, therefore, he must be dead.
Legolas: But… but… but…
Theoden: Sorry, bro. Look, I realize there’s now absolutely no reason for you and the Dwarf Dude to hang around anymore, now that your ranger bro is dead, but you’ll come anyways, right?
Legolas: But… but…
Theoden: Excellent! Let’s mosey then. Leave the dead.
Legolas: But… but…
Theoden: Dang, bro, get over it already. Geez.
Continued in Part 12
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 10
Chapter 31: Dwarf Women
(The Horse Dudes are moseying along, taking their sweet time like they don’t have a care in the world, even though they’re supposedly running from the enemy who wants to kill them ALL! Gimli’s giving everyone a lesson in Dwarf Women Anatomy 101.)
Gimli: Dude, our babes are hard! They’re stacked AND ripped! That’s probly why they get mistaken for men so much.
Aragorn: Really? I thought it was cuz of the beards.
Eowyn: Bearded dwarf women? You could start a circus.
Gimli: Now, that was just low, babe.
(Attempts to say more, but the horse spooks from absolutely NOTHING and goes bolting away. Gimli falls off. Eowyn goes to help him up.)
Gimli: What? I meant to do that.
Eowyn: Yeah, right.
Gimli: No really.
(Eowyn and Aragorn have lovey dovey moment, before Aragorn remembers himself and diverts eye contact.)
Chapter 32: One of the Dunedain
(Just then, Theoden comes riding up next to Aragorn.)
Theoden: So, what’s the prob with my niece? She smell or something? Why haven’t you made a move yet? She not good enough for you?
Aragorn: Um –
Theoden: She’s had it hard, ya know. Dad got jacked up by some orcs, then her mom keeled over from crying too much, then I got mind warped by The Carpenters when I shoulda been taking care of her. She practically had to raise herself, and you know how much kids suck at that.
Aragorn: Um, yeah… sure.
(Later on. The Rohirrim are lazing about. Eowyn’s walking around, trying to find guinea pigs for her soup experiment. Gimli manages to get away, but Aragorn is attempting to sunbathe again and so doesn’t stand a chance. Note that Eowyn has again changed her hairdo.)
Eowyn: Soup, bro? It ain’t much, but it’s hot. Very, very hot.
Aragorn: (takes bowl and looks at soup) Dude, I don’t even think it’s dead yet. It’s just hurt and angry.
Eowyn: You’re not gonna try it? (pouts)
Aragorn: Oh all right. (attempts to eat and miraculously manages to swallow, but then dry heaves for 10 minutes) It’s … good.
Eowyn: Really!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah. Like nothing I ever had before.
(Eowyn starts walking away, but then turns around and catches Aragorn attempting to dump the soup.)
Aragorn: What? It slipped. (takes another grimacing bite) Mmm! So good!
Eowyn: You know, maybe my uncle’s still a little whacked, cuz he said he remembers you fighting along with Thengel, my grand-dude.
Aragorn: Yep, that’d be me.
Eowyn: Get out!
Aragorn: Oh, thank you! (starts to leave)
Eowyn: Hey, where you goin’?
Aragorn: Oh, sorry. Um, you didn’t mean that literally?
Eowyn: No.
Aragorn: Dang it! (sits back down)
Eowyn: So, like, you must be old then, like 60 or something.
Aragorn: Higher.
Eowyn: 70? … 80?
Aragorn: 87.
Eowyn: (suddenly realizing something) You must be one of the Dunedain, blessed with frickin long life. Whoa!
Aragorn: (pretending to be bashful) Please, it’s no big.
Eowyn: But it is! It’s – wow. I thought all the Dunedain were ancient history, like, from a really really really really really really really long time ago.
Aragorn: Like, you so know how to make a bro feel young, ya know?
Eowyn: I’m so honored! (dumps more soup in his bowl) Eat up, Ranger Dude!
Aragorn: Aw, man
Chapter 33: The Evenstar
(That night. Aragorn’s smoking some pipeweed in a vain attempt to cover up the after-taste of the soup when he suddenly hears something.)
Arwen: (in spooky voice over) The light of the Evenstar sees all. You got some explaining to do, bub.
[Screen does that weird dream fade warp thingie. Now, Aragorn’s all dressed up glitzy like and back in Rivendell. Arwen’s there, leaning over him.]
Arwen: Like, are you asleep? Wake up and keep me company.
Aragorn: I was asleep. (opens eyes and sees Arwen and where he is) Kay, so, this is dream then?
Arwen: Um, no, it’s a flashback. Don’t go confusing the audience unnecessarily like that, man, it ain’t nice. (leans down and kisses him) Sleep.
Aragorn: But, you just told me to wake up. Make up your mind, geez.
Arwen: Oh, yeah, huh? Then get up, already.
Aragorn: But I’m comfy.
[Arwen gives up and goes to stand looking out at the scenery, and all the guys in the audience spend the rest of the scene looking at her, um, scenery in her somewhat see-through dress]
Aragorn: Minlû pedich nin i aur hen telitha. Dude, is that the dress I think it is?
Arwen: Ú i vethed nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han bâd lîn. Is that ALL you ever think about? We’re supposed to be talking about Frodo. Focus, will ya?
[Aragorn gets up and tries to cuddle up with her, but she resists]
Aragorn: Dolen i vâd o nin. That little buzz kill? No way. Let’s talk about your promise to shag me senseless.
Arwen: Si peliannen i vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. Oh, please! Like I’d really give it up now, I mean, really. Still not King! Hello!
[She pushes him away]
Aragorn: Ah, come on, babe! You’re such a tease! (tries to get fresh)
Arwen: Ae ú-esteliach nad, estelio han, estelio ammen. Look, bro, I didn’t put this on to have you hounding me. Don’t make me have to change.
Aragorn: Edra le men, men na guil edwen, haer o auth a nîr a naeth. I know what you need: a serenade!
(Starts singing)
You got me lifted shifted higher than a ceiling
And ooh wee it's the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted feeling so gifted
Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Suga Suga how you get so fly?
Arwen: Oh, bother. I knew I shouldn’t have worn this dress.
[End flashback-dream sequence]
(Next day. The Rohirrim are on the move again. Eowyn comes up to walk next to Aragorn and starts interrogating him none too subtly.)
Eowyn: So, that’s a pretty excellent jewel. It’s kinda girlie though. Where’d ya get it?
(Aragorn doesn’t answer but stares out blankly at nothing. Another flashback.)
[Aragorn and Elrond are back in the graveyard near Gilraen’s headstone.]
Elrond: Look, bro, before you go, I should make it clear, perfectly and absolutely, no matter what you do, you’ll never be worthy enough for Arwen.
Aragorn: But you just said - !
Elrond: Dude, don’t tell me what I just said. I totally reserve the right to change my mind and send my daughter packing, so don’t do anything to tick me off. I’ll send her to Valinor and she’ll just have to get over you.
Aragorn: She wouldn’t ever forget me.
Elrond: Probly not, but she’d still be far, far away from you, and that’s good enough for me.
Aragorn: You Elves are way too overprotective. She wants me, so deal.
Elrond: Dude, now, what’d I just say? Don’t tick me off!
[Aragorn realizes he went too far and goes away quickly. Next morning, the Dudeship’s waiting to head off. Aragorn’s getting ready to go. Arwen comes outta nowhere. Note that she DID indeed change her clothes and is much more covered up now than she was before. Smart girl.]
Arwen: Nach gwannatha sin? Ma nathach hi gwannathach or minuial archened? So, you’re just gonna sneak off are you? Just cuz you didn’t get lucky. You’re such a baby!
Aragorn: U-ethelithon. Shhh! Someone might hear you!
Arwen: Estelio guru lîn ne dagor. Ethelithach. Oh, please, everyone already knows anyway – telepathic powers, duh!
Aragorn: U-bedin o gurth ne dagor. Dang it! I forgot about that!
Arwen: O man pedich? Look, if it means so much, we can snog a little before you leave, kay?
Aragorn: Edra le men, men na guil edwen, haer o auth a nîr a naeth Look, babe, you can’t just go around teasing a bro like that. Sides, you got a chance for another life, away from all this craziness.
Arwen: What are you talking about? I like the crazy.
Aragorn: You’re an Elf-babe, I’m a Dude. It was a dream, Arwen.
Arwen: No, it was a flashback.
Aragorn: You know what I mean! (gives her back the pendant)
Arwen: Nice try, pal. (gives it back) You’re totally keeping that and if you ever loose it, it’ll so be your hide.
[End flashback]
(Back in the present, Eowyn’s getting sick of waiting for an answer.)
Eowyn: Hello, Middle Earth to Ranger Dude!
Aragorn: Huh? Oh! Yeah, sorry. Um ... where were we?
Eowyn: Where’d ya get the necklace?
Aragorn: Oh, I got that from my honey. She left me for a yacht club membership to the Undying Lands.
Eowyn: (encouraged) Oh, that’s too bad. You know, those long distance relationships never work out. But I’m right here.
Aragorn: Um, ok.
Chapter 34: The Wolves of Isengard
(Just then, Gamling and Hama go riding by and pass up Legolas, who’s looking around confusedly.)
Legolas: Hold it. … Is this Sunday? And we’re by rocks, again. … This should probly remind me of something.
(Suddenly, outta nowhere, a big honking warg comes jumping down on Hama.)
Hama: Dude, what the frick?! I’m not supposed to die yet!
Orc Rider #3278: Sucks to be you then, doesn’t it.
(Warg finishes off Hama. Legolas finally snaps out of his confusion to shoot the warg dead.)
Legolas: Dude, you’re so totally late!
Orc Rider #3278: Like, we never said what Sunday we were gonna attack ya. Duh!
Legolas: Oh yeah, well…
(He can’t think of a snappy comeback, so he just slices the orc’s throat open. Meanwhile, Aragorn has actually HEARD the disturbance and uses the opportunity to get away from Eowyn.)
Aragorn: Hey, bro, what up?
Legolas: Duh! Use your eyes for once.
Aragorn: Well, you don’t gotta be all prissy about it. (goes running down the hill)
Theoden: So, like, what was all that racket about?
Aragorn: WARGS!
(Everyone freaks out.)
Theoden: Riders assemble! Fall into formation!
(Gimli attempts to get on his horse, but just can’t pass up the opportunity for yet more comic relief. Meanwhile, Legolas decides to stare down the enemy in an attempt to ward off further attack. It doesn’t work. The Rohan peasants show an amazing range of emotion and agility as they scream for dear life and run about horrified. Theoden notices Eowyn getting ready to ride.)
Theoden: Like, where you think you’re going?
Eowyn: I’m gonna fight.
Theoden: I sooo don’t think so! You’re a girl!
Eowyn: Dude, that is so sexist.
Theoden: Yep, we’re all about the gender bias.
Eowyn: But…
Theoden: Fine, you want to feel important? Then why don’t you lead this group of whiners to Helm’s Deep so they don’t get in the way and no one has to do anything cliché, like, rescue some stupid dumb kid from getting trampled. Please? For me?
Eowyn: Fine, whatever, bro.
(She pouts while Theoden goes riding off. Aragorn finally gets on his horse and rides off. Gimli meanwhile, it trying to get his horse out of reverse. Eowyn attempts to shepherd the panicking peasants and turns around just in time to notice Aragorn checking her out. Aragorn realizes he’s been caught and rides away quickly. Meanwhile, Legolas is taking his sweet ole time knocking down the wargs, that are STILL coming over the hill exactly as they were the last time we saw them.)
Legolas: And that’s one… And that’s two… And that’s… my horse!
(Random Rohirrim Riders come riding up. Gimli has managed to get his horse out of reverse and Legolas does the most impossible, unbelievable horse mount of ALL TIME. Majorly bloody battle with completely obvious CGI wargs follows. Gimli once again falls off his horse.)
Legolas: Dude! Can’t you EVER stay on?
Gimli: What?! You try riding with short, stubby legs, see how you do!
Legolas: Warg!
Gimli: Ogre!
Legolas: No, moron! Warg! (kills warg that’s about to make Gimli an appetizer.)
Gimli: Hey, that was mine! I so totally saw that!
Legolas: Yeah, sure bro.
(Gimli somehow manages to get trapped under another warg. Then an orc, which he kills and then promptly sniffs. Dude, like, what’s with him and the sniffing? Then another warg comes up. Luckily for him, Aragorn manages to see it just in time and kill it. Now, just how is Gimli NOT getting crushed to death? All the heroes get their hero shot to ensure the audience that they haven’t died yet. Aragorn decides to go warg-riding with an orc.)
Aragorn: Hey, bro, mind if I join ya? I’ve always wanted to try one of these out.
Orc Rider #1312: Dude, get off!
Aragorn: Aw, come on, man – share a little, geez. And hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you bros supposed to be afraid of the daylight? Can I drive?
Orc Rider #1312: No!
(They start fighting over the reigns. The orc falls off and grabs Aragorn’s necklace as Aragorn gets caught in the straps.)
Aragorn: Dude, no! My girlfriend’s so totally gonna kill me if I lose that!
(But he soon finds out he doesn’t have to worry about that as he go sailing over the cliff that the warg is obviously too blind to see. Battle ends. Heroes get their hero shot to ensure the audience that they’re all still alive. Legolas notices Aragorn’s missing and goes looking for him.)
Legolas: Aragorn?! Dude! You’re missing your hero shot!
Gimli: Come on, bro, you’re holding up the show! So not cool!
Orc Rider #1312: He took the high dive over shallow water – literally.
Gimli: Huh?
Orc Rider #1312: He fell.
Legolas: Naw-huh! That’s sooo not probable!
Gimli: Inconceivable!
Orc Rider #1312: It so totally i- *dies*
(Legolas notices the necklace and filches it back. Then he and Gimli go to stand with Theoden by the cliff.)
Theoden: I don’t see him, therefore, he must be dead.
Legolas: But… but… but…
Theoden: Sorry, bro. Look, I realize there’s now absolutely no reason for you and the Dwarf Dude to hang around anymore, now that your ranger bro is dead, but you’ll come anyways, right?
Legolas: But… but…
Theoden: Excellent! Let’s mosey then. Leave the dead.
Legolas: But… but…
Theoden: Dang, bro, get over it already. Geez.
Continued in Part 12
