Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 7
Week 8: Let The Games Begin
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early Sunday morning. Housemates are preparing to go to Elrond’s for their first show. Cut to hobbits’ room.]
Merry: We’ll be listening and cheering you on Frodo.
Pippin: Yeah, and we’ll even call a few times. We got loads of questions. (pulls out list that’s at least ten feet long)
Frodo: And what makes you think you’re staying here?
Pippin: Well, we’re on probation aren’t we?
Frodo: In an empty house? With no one to watch you? How thick do you think I am? You’re coming, and you can listen to the show from Bilbo’s room. And I don’t want you terrorizing Gandalf again either.
Merry: But we owe him! He’s gotten us twice already.
Frodo: And he’ll get you a third time, and a fourth time. You’re never going to win. Give it up.
Sam: Why do you even bother with him at all?
Pippin: He made us clean the entire house, and spend an entire night outside, and rake up all the leaves!
Frodo: That’s because you ruined everyone’s food at the restaurant, you were on the caffeine high from hell, and you tried to smother his face in cool whip. This stops now.
Merry: You’re absolutely right about all of that, but we still owe him for the honey bomb.
Frodo: No you don’t.
Pippin: Yes we do! There was no honey in that bomb, only confetti. Who doesn’t like confetti?
Frodo: It was a joke he did not ask to participate in. The case is not the same for you. You got exactly what you were looking for. It’s over.
Merry: Fine.
Pippin: Be that way.
**********
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Our show was the best! The other show was good too, but we rocked!
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: Now let’s hear those Elves say that Dwarves don’t know how to have a good time!
[Cut to Elrond’s. Housemates have flipped a coin to see who goes first and Boromir’s group wins.]
Glorfindel: All right, Frodo, Arwen and Gimli – you three can watch from the visitor’s booth. And you three, take your seats. Legolas, is your guest here?
Legolas: Yeah, he’s getting coffee.
Glorfindel: Great. Let’s get started. (goes into producer’s box)
Boromir: (panicking) Wait! What do we say? How do we open the show? We don’t have notes, we should have notes! We’re gonna suck!
Legolas: You’re just now thinking of this? Just relax. We’ll be fine.
Eowyn: And if we do suck, at least no one knows what we look like. See – a bright side to everything.
Glorfindel: (from producer’s box) Ok, guys, headsets on.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I can’t believe it. I just froze. It was the single, most horrifying experience of my life.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I was so nervous! It was so cool!
[Cut back to studio. “On Air” light goes on.]
Eowyn: Good morning, Rivendell! Thank you for joining us. We are a new show on today, and for the next few Sundays we’re going to be pulling out the classics for you, mixing it up a bit. Hope you enjoy it.
Legolas: Now, normally you would be listening to the Top 40 – don’t panic, you’ll still get your countdown at the next time slot. Right now, you’ll be joining me Legolas, the lovely Éowyn, and Man of Gondor Boromir, and we’re going to be giving you some AC/DC this morning to help wake you up. And then, our very good friends Arwen, Frodo and Gimli will be bringing you the dwarves of Lonely Mountain. Really crazy guys. They’re a riot. Isn’t that right Boromir?
Boromir: Uh, um, hhhh eh.
Legolas: Ok, then, let’s get started…
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I was on! And Legolas was phenomenal. Boromir, on the other hand, well, he could use a tad bit of work.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Poor Borry. It was almost too painful to watch.
[Cut back to studio. Boromir’s sweating bullets. Eowyn’s giving him sympathetic looks, but she’s also kicking him under the booth trying to get him to snap out of it.]
Legolas: Our guest today is the world-renowned, ever popular, and all around good-elf, Figwit!
[Legolas and Eowyn clap and cheer as Figwit enters the booth and sits down.]
Figwit: Hey, Leggy, how’s it shaking.
Legolas: Great! But don’t call me that.
Figwit: Right, I forgot.
Legolas: Meet Eowyn and Boromir. Guys, this is Figwit.
Figwit: My Lady…
Eowyn: Hi.
Figwit: Oh, very nice… Hey, man, what’s up?
Boromir: Aahhhh, um …
Figwit: It’s all right, man. Deep breaths. You’ll be fine.
Glorfindel: (from producer’s box) Hey, Figgy. Long time, no see.
Figwit: (surprised) I guess so! Glory boy! You’ve got a new look going. I like the curls.
Glorfindel: Thank you!
Eowyn: Ok, so, um… AC/DC, Back in Black – a classic. I believe the first song up is “Hell’s Bells”?
Legolas: Perfect way to start the morning.
Eowyn: Followed by “Shoot to Thrill”. And listeners, if you have any requests or would like to speak to our resident expert, just pick up the phone and dial our number – we’ll be glad to talk to you. Legolas, you’ve got the play button right there in front of you, so let’s get this party started!
[Legolas starts the track and the “On Air” light goes off.]
Eowyn: Boromir!
Boromir: I know! I’m sorry! I suck!
Figwit: Oh, no, don’t do that. You weren’t that bad. I mean, you were good. You’re just nervous.
Legolas: Yeah, you just need to chill a bit. Deep breaths. Count to ten.
Eowyn: Yeah, just forget about the listeners and pretend it’s just us.
Boromir: I can do that!
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I couldn’t do that.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Maybe we should have made Boromir producer.
[Cut back to show. Eowyn and Legolas are having a blast. Figwit gets into a ‘discussion’ with a caller over who’s the better singer, Bon Scott or Brian Johnson, and Eowyn can’t keep any of the band members straight. Boromir looks like he wants to crawl up somewhere and die.]
[Cut to Bilbo’s room, where Merry, Pippin, Sam and Bilbo are listening to the show.]
Pippin: This was an excellent idea Merry.
Merry: Why thank you Pippin.
Bilbo: If you boys would always put forth such effort, you’d be unstoppable.
Merry: That’s the idea.
Bilbo: Meaning?
Merry: Nothing.
[Sam just sighs and shakes his head.]
[Cut back to studio. Boromir, Legolas and Eowyn have finished their set and are sitting in the visitor’s booth as Arwen, Frodo, Gimli and 5 of his relatives take the studio.]
Arwen: Hello Rivendell. This is Arwen, and with me is Gimli…
Gimli: Morning!
Arwen: And Frodo.
Frodo: Hello.
Arwen: And today, we’re doing everything dwarves. Gimli, will you make the introductions?
Gimli: But of course. With us today is my father Gloin, as well as Bloin, Floin, Troin, and Ted.
Dwarves: Hello!
Arwen: Last week, we had the pleasure of hosting all of you and many more up at the Real World house. That was a lively evening with some excellent food.
Gloin: And a pair of hostesses as fair as the dawn on a warm summer’s day…
Bloin: As beautiful as the sky on a golden sunset…
Floin: As sweet as the richest, most succulent nectar…
Troin: As precious as the most fragile jewel…
Ted: And downright sexy!
Arwen: (blushing) Oh my.
Frodo: You know, guys, Arwen does have a boyfriend.
Gloin: Leave him!
Floin: You’ll never be left wanting with us to care for you.
Arwen: Wow, that’s tempting, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline.
Dwarves: No!
Troin: You’re breaking our hearts.
Ted: But we’ll forgive you for one of your radiant smiles.
[Arwen smiles in embarrassment.]
Bloin: There it is! Now we can live our lives in contentment.
Arwen: I had no idea dwarves were such Casanovas.
Frodo: Well, as I understand it, that’s where Casanova got all his best lines.
Gimli: That’s right, lad. He owes it all to us.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: The dwarves were a hit! They were so funny!
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: That was a very interesting two hours. I couldn’t believe it went by so fast.
[Cut back to studio.]
Frodo: So, I understand that dwarf men and women look a lot alike.
Gimli: That’s true. In fact, Troin here is my mother.
Frodo: (shocked) He is? I mean, she is? I mean…
Gimli: Joking!
[The dwarves started cracking up.]
Arwen: Ok, I think this is a good time to play some music. Who did you say was up first, Gimli? Allison Chamber?
Dwarves: Alice In CHAINS!
[Cut to Bilbo’s room]
Pippin: All right, now we’re talking! (turns up radio as “Them Bones” starts to play)
Bilbo: Oh, this noise is giving me a headache. Let me know when it’s over. (leaves)
Merry: Finally, I thought we’d never get rid of him. Now, Sam, about Glorfindel, this is what we’re going to do…
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: I still can’t believe Merry actually got Sam to help us. Sam can be really stubborn when he wants to be. I didn’t think Merry would be able to crack him.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: I may have somehow given Sam the impression that Glorfindel’s got it in Frodo and is trying to kick him out of the house. Sam was more than willing to help us after that. (smiles innocently)
**********
[Cut to Elrond’s counsel room after show. Housemates are hyped, Boromir’s getting drunk, and Elrond’s actually smiling!]
Elrond: Excellent shows everyone! Good job all around. Glorfindel, I knew you could turn things around and the ideas you came up with for the shows – superb. Come, join me for a drink. Everyone – let’s keep up the good work. (he and Glorfindel leave)
Eowyn: I can’t believe it! He took all the credit!
Legolas: I can believe it.
Arwen: Well, we know who deserves the real credit. (turns to Frodo) I hope you’ll reward your cousins properly. Today could have been a disaster if not for them.
Frodo: Yes, I suppose it’s time to let them out of the room, but I’ll be counting on all of you to make sure they don’t get too out of hand.
Gimli: That shouldn’t be too hard. Now, go fetch the other hobbits and let’s celebrate. Lunch is on me!
Frodo: Don’t tell Merry and Pippin that. They’ll go hog wild with the menu.
Gimli: Aye, that’s why we’re going to that all-you-can-eat buffet.
Frodo: We’re not allowed to go there anymore.
Gimli: Hm, well, we’ll think of something. Let’s go.
**********
[Next morning. Sam is cooking breakfast when Legolas and Boromir come into kitchen. Legolas is in a BAD mood.]
Legolas: He kept talking in his sleep, all about how wonderful he is. Every day it’s something else. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to put up with him.
Boromir: Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad.
Legolas: No it’s worse. He’s a neat freak. Everything has to be in its exact spot; if it’s an inch to the left, he flips. He has to sleep right in the middle of the bed, and he spends close to twenty minutes finding the exact middle! He hums while he dresses. He clips his toenails every night. He wears those stupid little visors while he sleeps to keep the glow of his skin from blinding him. He folds AND balls his socks. He stacks his coins. WHAT KIND OF A MANIAC STACKS HIS COINS!
Sam: Would you like something to drink Boromir? Legolas?
Boromir: (backing away from Legolas) Oh, that’s all right, Sam. I’ll get it.
[Boromir goes to cupboard and takes out a couple of glasses. Then he puts one back and takes out another one. Legolas sees this and snaps.]
Legolas: OH ELBERETH! JUST USE IT!
Boromir: But that’s Glorfindel’s.
Legolas: So? It’s not going to kill him to use a different glass for a change. Unfortunately.
Boromir: You know what? I think you need to go vent some steam. Do some target practice maybe.
Legolas: Yeah, I think I will. And if one of you could send Glorfindel out into the garden, you know, just tell him I want to see him maybe… (goes outside)
Boromir: I’m starting to worry about him.
Sam: (casually) Does Glorfindel really use only that glass?
Boromir: Huh? Oh, yeah. Everything on this shelf is for his use only. He’s one of those germaphobes. And he always has to sit in this chair, so he can open the blinds and watch the sunrise.
Sam: Interesting.
Boromir: Strange is more like it. I mean, who ever heard of an Elf being afraid of germs?
[Sam just shrugs and goes back to cooking, and slowly, everyone makes their way into the kitchen for breakfast. Eowyn and Arwen are being secretive about something again and Eowyn looks pleased to see Boromir is still wearing the pendant. She even kisses Boromir on the cheek, much to everyone’s surprise. Gimli takes some food up to the hobbits while Glorfindel is staring out the window watching the scenery. Legolas comes back in, much more calm, but very cold from being outside.]
**********
[Later that day. Eowyn and Arwen are in their room. Eowyn’s watching “TV”.]
Eowyn: He’s chatting on-line with his brother again. Is that all he ever does?
Arwen: They’re close. Aren’t you close with your brother?
Eowyn: Yeah, but I don’t have to talk to him every day… Oh, look, he’s finally telling him about how he choked on the show. I wonder what kind of advice he’ll give him.
[Cut to den downstairs.]
Boromir: (typing) It’s was awful.
Faramir: I don’t understand.
Boromir: Awful. Horrible. Frightening. Appalling. Dreadful. Horrendous. Terrible.
Faramir: No, I get that. I just don’t understand how you could choke. You’ve done this sort of thing before.
Boromir: No I haven’t.
Faramir: Yes, you have brother. How many times have you stood in front of a brigade of troops, prepping them for battle? This is the same thing – you’re just prepping your listeners for the day to come.
Boromir: Huh, I never thought of it that way before.
[Cut to girls’ room.]
Eowyn: (impressed) That’s good advice. You can tell they really understand each other. And Faramir is so patient with him. You can tell he really gives Boromir a lot of confidence. And he seems so sweet.
Arwen: Which brother are you spying on again?
Eowyn: What is that supposed to mean?
Arwen: It means, I think it’s time you give them some privacy.
Eowyn: Oh, all right. (turns off TV)
[Cut to den.]
Boromir: So, you’re still coming next week right?
Faramir: Of course, as soon as Father gives me the go, which I’m expecting will be any day now. I’ve been annoying him a lot lately.
Boromir: Well, annoy him some more. I really need to see you. And I want you to meet Eowyn.
Faramir: The scary lady?
Boromir: She’s not scary anymore. She’s actually coming around. We have a date Friday night.
Faramir: Where are you taking her?
Boromir: I don’t know. That’s why I need to talk to you. I don’t want to screw this up again. What do you suggest?
[They chat a little while longer and Boromir writes stuff down.]
**********
[Montage of next couple of days. Elrond comes for another inspection and is pleased to see everything running smoothly. Legolas spends more and more time out in the garden target practicing. He’s even gotten some mechanical rigs that jump out at you or go darting through the garden. All the dummies look suspiciously like Glorfindel. Eowyn and Boromir spend some time together and Eowyn gives Boromir some pointers on pool. Gimli has developed a crush on Arwen and offers to go shopping with her to carry her bags. She quickly accepts the offer. Sam goes out to the barn to check on Bill and is dismayed to see it’s now so cold the pony has frost in his mane. Sam tries to sneak the pony in the house, but Frodo hears the racket and sneaks down to see what’s going on.
Frodo: No, Sam. I told you, you could only keep him if he stays outside.
Sam: (pouting) But he’s so cold.
Frodo: Oh, don’t do the pouting thing.
Sam: (pouts more)
Frodo: (giving in) Fine, but you have to keep him out of the way.
Sam decides to keep Bill out of the way in the pantry, as no one ever goes in there but him anyway. Merry and Pippin spend their time examining every square inch of the house, and they talk Legolas into doing some shopping for them. That night while everyone’s asleep, they sneak down to the kitchen and go through the cupboards and examine the chairs.]
**********
[Next morning. Merry has talked Sam into sleeping in and has decided to cook breakfast. He’s in the kitchen when all the housemates come down to eat and he has made enough food to feed an army.]
Boromir: Mer, um, Frodo, this smells delicious.
Glorfindel: And why shouldn’t it? You’ve outdone yourself today.
Merry: Oh, it’s nothing really. (notices the housemates’ reluctant glances) Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!
[Glorfindel goes first, taking his glass and plate from the cupboard. He piles food onto his plate and pours himself some orange juice, then goes to sit in his chair. Merry acts nonchalant as he serves everyone else, but he winks conspiratorially at Legolas, who smiles back. They all sit down to eat. Halfway through the meal, Arwen notices something odd about Glorfindel. She nudges Eowyn, who nudges Boromir. Soon, everyone is just watching Glorfindel, who doesn’t notice until he’s finished eating.]
Glorfindel: What?
Arwen: You, um, having something blue, all around your lips.
Glorfindel: Blue? On my lips? (brushes mouth with hand, but it doesn’t wipe off)
Eowyn: (looking closer) And your teeth.
Glorfindel: My teeth?
Gimli: And your tongue.
Glorfindel: (VERY worried now) What do mean?
[Glorfindel tries to get up, but is shocked to discover he’s glued to his chair. The housemates are shocked too, and Merry and Legolas do a good job pretending to be shocked as well.]
Glorfindel: All right, this isn’t funny. Now, who’s bright idea was this?
[Everyone shrugs.]
Glorfindel: No one knows? One of you (points at them) is responsible and I want to know who.
Boromir: And your hands.
Glorfindel: What? (looks at his hand that he was eating with, which has also been dyed blue where he was holding his fork)
Legolas: (laughs)
Glorfindel: You! You did this!
Legolas: (laughing harder) No, but I applaud whoever did.
Glorfindel: Wait until Elrond hears of this.
[He tries to get up again, but still can’t get out of his chair. He finally manages to tear himself loose and goes storming off to the den, where he finally sees himself in the mirror and yelps in horror. Housemates crack up, except Arwen, who doesn’t seem pleased. Legolas and Merry high five.]
**********
[Next night. Eowyn and Boromir go on their date. Boromir has decided to take his brother’s advice, and their date goes amazingly well. They start off with dinner at a nice, but not fancy, restaurant.]
Boromir: Is this all right? Were you expecting more? We could go somewhere else, somewhere more fancy.
Eowyn: No, this is perfect. I love it.
[They get seated and place their orders. They pass the time by talking about Merry and Pippin’s prank.]
Eowyn: I wonder how they did it. Some sort of dye obviously, that only shows on skin. Poor Glorfindel though. He’s still slightly blue.
Boromir: Merry said it isn’t toxic; don’t worry. It should wash off after a couple of showers.
Eowyn: But how did they know which plate ware to tamper with? That’s what’s really bothering me.
Boromir: Do you have to nitpick everything apart? Can’t you just enjoy the fact that it was, is and always will be one of my most cherished memories?
Eowyn: They haven’t been eating with us. There’s no way they could have even known where he keeps everything. Someone had to tell them. Probably Legolas. And I’m surprised Frodo didn’t put them on restriction again.
Boromir: I don’t think he noticed. He’s been spending a lot of time in his room lately. And Glorfindel has been hiding. And completely off topic, but have you noticed that the downstairs is starting to smell like a barn?
Eowyn: Yeah, I have. It’s weird.
[Their food shows up and they stop talking to eat. The rest of the dinner goes smoothly, with Boromir keeping the conversation off Merry and Pippin. They leave the restaurant and Boromir takes her to the next part of their date, which is – ]
Eowyn: Paint Ball! I love this game! You did good.
Boromir: It was nothing. I mean, it was obvious, given your personality and everything.
Eowyn: You really pay attention. I’m impressed.
Boromir: I’m just observant, I guess.
Eowyn: Observant, hm? Well, then, let’s see who gets whom first.
[They “war” for an hour, stopping when they’re tied. Both of them are completely covered head to toe in paint. They walk home, laughing and talking all the way.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: That was the best date of my entire life. And to think I was about to give up on him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Thank you Faramir! I really owe him one now.
**********
[Next day. Sam is cleaning out the pantry for Bill the Pony. Merry and Pippin are in the bathroom, searching for something. Whatever they’re looking for, they don’t find it. They give up and go to their room to make more plans for Glorfindel.
Merry: He labels his clothes by day. We could use that.
Pippin: How do we get into his room?
Merry: Well, it’s Legolas’s room too, isn’t it? He’ll let us in.
Pippin: What if we’re caught?
Merry: We’ll use Sam as a look out.
Meanwhile, the other housemates are in the living room finalizing their show for tomorrow. Glorfindel, who is finally no longer blue, is giving Legolas a hard time, shooting down all his suggestions. Gimli, on the other hand, is practically drooling all over Arwen and keeps agreeing with everything she says so that Frodo can’t get a word in edgewise. Boromir and Eowyn keep smiling and making eyes at each other.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I think I liked it better when they were fighting. Honestly, they make me want to gag. And Gimli, what’s up with him lately? Aragorn would have his head if he saw the way he was acting with Arwen. Glorfindel, I mean yeah, he’s being a prick, but he didn’t tell Elrond about what happened. Why? To be nice? No. No, things are just running a little too smoothly. It’s not natural. Something is about to give. I can feel it.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I’m a little worried about Legolas. All this stress is starting to take its toll on him. He’s looking a little paranoid.
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Ah, the holidays approach! What a wonderful time of year! I can’t wait for the feast. It’s going to be so much fun! And I get to host.
Continued in Week 9
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 7
Week 8: Let The Games Begin
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early Sunday morning. Housemates are preparing to go to Elrond’s for their first show. Cut to hobbits’ room.]
Merry: We’ll be listening and cheering you on Frodo.
Pippin: Yeah, and we’ll even call a few times. We got loads of questions. (pulls out list that’s at least ten feet long)
Frodo: And what makes you think you’re staying here?
Pippin: Well, we’re on probation aren’t we?
Frodo: In an empty house? With no one to watch you? How thick do you think I am? You’re coming, and you can listen to the show from Bilbo’s room. And I don’t want you terrorizing Gandalf again either.
Merry: But we owe him! He’s gotten us twice already.
Frodo: And he’ll get you a third time, and a fourth time. You’re never going to win. Give it up.
Sam: Why do you even bother with him at all?
Pippin: He made us clean the entire house, and spend an entire night outside, and rake up all the leaves!
Frodo: That’s because you ruined everyone’s food at the restaurant, you were on the caffeine high from hell, and you tried to smother his face in cool whip. This stops now.
Merry: You’re absolutely right about all of that, but we still owe him for the honey bomb.
Frodo: No you don’t.
Pippin: Yes we do! There was no honey in that bomb, only confetti. Who doesn’t like confetti?
Frodo: It was a joke he did not ask to participate in. The case is not the same for you. You got exactly what you were looking for. It’s over.
Merry: Fine.
Pippin: Be that way.
**********
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Our show was the best! The other show was good too, but we rocked!
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: Now let’s hear those Elves say that Dwarves don’t know how to have a good time!
[Cut to Elrond’s. Housemates have flipped a coin to see who goes first and Boromir’s group wins.]
Glorfindel: All right, Frodo, Arwen and Gimli – you three can watch from the visitor’s booth. And you three, take your seats. Legolas, is your guest here?
Legolas: Yeah, he’s getting coffee.
Glorfindel: Great. Let’s get started. (goes into producer’s box)
Boromir: (panicking) Wait! What do we say? How do we open the show? We don’t have notes, we should have notes! We’re gonna suck!
Legolas: You’re just now thinking of this? Just relax. We’ll be fine.
Eowyn: And if we do suck, at least no one knows what we look like. See – a bright side to everything.
Glorfindel: (from producer’s box) Ok, guys, headsets on.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I can’t believe it. I just froze. It was the single, most horrifying experience of my life.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I was so nervous! It was so cool!
[Cut back to studio. “On Air” light goes on.]
Eowyn: Good morning, Rivendell! Thank you for joining us. We are a new show on today, and for the next few Sundays we’re going to be pulling out the classics for you, mixing it up a bit. Hope you enjoy it.
Legolas: Now, normally you would be listening to the Top 40 – don’t panic, you’ll still get your countdown at the next time slot. Right now, you’ll be joining me Legolas, the lovely Éowyn, and Man of Gondor Boromir, and we’re going to be giving you some AC/DC this morning to help wake you up. And then, our very good friends Arwen, Frodo and Gimli will be bringing you the dwarves of Lonely Mountain. Really crazy guys. They’re a riot. Isn’t that right Boromir?
Boromir: Uh, um, hhhh eh.
Legolas: Ok, then, let’s get started…
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I was on! And Legolas was phenomenal. Boromir, on the other hand, well, he could use a tad bit of work.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Poor Borry. It was almost too painful to watch.
[Cut back to studio. Boromir’s sweating bullets. Eowyn’s giving him sympathetic looks, but she’s also kicking him under the booth trying to get him to snap out of it.]
Legolas: Our guest today is the world-renowned, ever popular, and all around good-elf, Figwit!
[Legolas and Eowyn clap and cheer as Figwit enters the booth and sits down.]
Figwit: Hey, Leggy, how’s it shaking.
Legolas: Great! But don’t call me that.
Figwit: Right, I forgot.
Legolas: Meet Eowyn and Boromir. Guys, this is Figwit.
Figwit: My Lady…
Eowyn: Hi.
Figwit: Oh, very nice… Hey, man, what’s up?
Boromir: Aahhhh, um …
Figwit: It’s all right, man. Deep breaths. You’ll be fine.
Glorfindel: (from producer’s box) Hey, Figgy. Long time, no see.
Figwit: (surprised) I guess so! Glory boy! You’ve got a new look going. I like the curls.
Glorfindel: Thank you!
Eowyn: Ok, so, um… AC/DC, Back in Black – a classic. I believe the first song up is “Hell’s Bells”?
Legolas: Perfect way to start the morning.
Eowyn: Followed by “Shoot to Thrill”. And listeners, if you have any requests or would like to speak to our resident expert, just pick up the phone and dial our number – we’ll be glad to talk to you. Legolas, you’ve got the play button right there in front of you, so let’s get this party started!
[Legolas starts the track and the “On Air” light goes off.]
Eowyn: Boromir!
Boromir: I know! I’m sorry! I suck!
Figwit: Oh, no, don’t do that. You weren’t that bad. I mean, you were good. You’re just nervous.
Legolas: Yeah, you just need to chill a bit. Deep breaths. Count to ten.
Eowyn: Yeah, just forget about the listeners and pretend it’s just us.
Boromir: I can do that!
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I couldn’t do that.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Maybe we should have made Boromir producer.
[Cut back to show. Eowyn and Legolas are having a blast. Figwit gets into a ‘discussion’ with a caller over who’s the better singer, Bon Scott or Brian Johnson, and Eowyn can’t keep any of the band members straight. Boromir looks like he wants to crawl up somewhere and die.]
[Cut to Bilbo’s room, where Merry, Pippin, Sam and Bilbo are listening to the show.]
Pippin: This was an excellent idea Merry.
Merry: Why thank you Pippin.
Bilbo: If you boys would always put forth such effort, you’d be unstoppable.
Merry: That’s the idea.
Bilbo: Meaning?
Merry: Nothing.
[Sam just sighs and shakes his head.]
[Cut back to studio. Boromir, Legolas and Eowyn have finished their set and are sitting in the visitor’s booth as Arwen, Frodo, Gimli and 5 of his relatives take the studio.]
Arwen: Hello Rivendell. This is Arwen, and with me is Gimli…
Gimli: Morning!
Arwen: And Frodo.
Frodo: Hello.
Arwen: And today, we’re doing everything dwarves. Gimli, will you make the introductions?
Gimli: But of course. With us today is my father Gloin, as well as Bloin, Floin, Troin, and Ted.
Dwarves: Hello!
Arwen: Last week, we had the pleasure of hosting all of you and many more up at the Real World house. That was a lively evening with some excellent food.
Gloin: And a pair of hostesses as fair as the dawn on a warm summer’s day…
Bloin: As beautiful as the sky on a golden sunset…
Floin: As sweet as the richest, most succulent nectar…
Troin: As precious as the most fragile jewel…
Ted: And downright sexy!
Arwen: (blushing) Oh my.
Frodo: You know, guys, Arwen does have a boyfriend.
Gloin: Leave him!
Floin: You’ll never be left wanting with us to care for you.
Arwen: Wow, that’s tempting, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline.
Dwarves: No!
Troin: You’re breaking our hearts.
Ted: But we’ll forgive you for one of your radiant smiles.
[Arwen smiles in embarrassment.]
Bloin: There it is! Now we can live our lives in contentment.
Arwen: I had no idea dwarves were such Casanovas.
Frodo: Well, as I understand it, that’s where Casanova got all his best lines.
Gimli: That’s right, lad. He owes it all to us.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: The dwarves were a hit! They were so funny!
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: That was a very interesting two hours. I couldn’t believe it went by so fast.
[Cut back to studio.]
Frodo: So, I understand that dwarf men and women look a lot alike.
Gimli: That’s true. In fact, Troin here is my mother.
Frodo: (shocked) He is? I mean, she is? I mean…
Gimli: Joking!
[The dwarves started cracking up.]
Arwen: Ok, I think this is a good time to play some music. Who did you say was up first, Gimli? Allison Chamber?
Dwarves: Alice In CHAINS!
[Cut to Bilbo’s room]
Pippin: All right, now we’re talking! (turns up radio as “Them Bones” starts to play)
Bilbo: Oh, this noise is giving me a headache. Let me know when it’s over. (leaves)
Merry: Finally, I thought we’d never get rid of him. Now, Sam, about Glorfindel, this is what we’re going to do…
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: I still can’t believe Merry actually got Sam to help us. Sam can be really stubborn when he wants to be. I didn’t think Merry would be able to crack him.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: I may have somehow given Sam the impression that Glorfindel’s got it in Frodo and is trying to kick him out of the house. Sam was more than willing to help us after that. (smiles innocently)
**********
[Cut to Elrond’s counsel room after show. Housemates are hyped, Boromir’s getting drunk, and Elrond’s actually smiling!]
Elrond: Excellent shows everyone! Good job all around. Glorfindel, I knew you could turn things around and the ideas you came up with for the shows – superb. Come, join me for a drink. Everyone – let’s keep up the good work. (he and Glorfindel leave)
Eowyn: I can’t believe it! He took all the credit!
Legolas: I can believe it.
Arwen: Well, we know who deserves the real credit. (turns to Frodo) I hope you’ll reward your cousins properly. Today could have been a disaster if not for them.
Frodo: Yes, I suppose it’s time to let them out of the room, but I’ll be counting on all of you to make sure they don’t get too out of hand.
Gimli: That shouldn’t be too hard. Now, go fetch the other hobbits and let’s celebrate. Lunch is on me!
Frodo: Don’t tell Merry and Pippin that. They’ll go hog wild with the menu.
Gimli: Aye, that’s why we’re going to that all-you-can-eat buffet.
Frodo: We’re not allowed to go there anymore.
Gimli: Hm, well, we’ll think of something. Let’s go.
**********
[Next morning. Sam is cooking breakfast when Legolas and Boromir come into kitchen. Legolas is in a BAD mood.]
Legolas: He kept talking in his sleep, all about how wonderful he is. Every day it’s something else. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to put up with him.
Boromir: Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad.
Legolas: No it’s worse. He’s a neat freak. Everything has to be in its exact spot; if it’s an inch to the left, he flips. He has to sleep right in the middle of the bed, and he spends close to twenty minutes finding the exact middle! He hums while he dresses. He clips his toenails every night. He wears those stupid little visors while he sleeps to keep the glow of his skin from blinding him. He folds AND balls his socks. He stacks his coins. WHAT KIND OF A MANIAC STACKS HIS COINS!
Sam: Would you like something to drink Boromir? Legolas?
Boromir: (backing away from Legolas) Oh, that’s all right, Sam. I’ll get it.
[Boromir goes to cupboard and takes out a couple of glasses. Then he puts one back and takes out another one. Legolas sees this and snaps.]
Legolas: OH ELBERETH! JUST USE IT!
Boromir: But that’s Glorfindel’s.
Legolas: So? It’s not going to kill him to use a different glass for a change. Unfortunately.
Boromir: You know what? I think you need to go vent some steam. Do some target practice maybe.
Legolas: Yeah, I think I will. And if one of you could send Glorfindel out into the garden, you know, just tell him I want to see him maybe… (goes outside)
Boromir: I’m starting to worry about him.
Sam: (casually) Does Glorfindel really use only that glass?
Boromir: Huh? Oh, yeah. Everything on this shelf is for his use only. He’s one of those germaphobes. And he always has to sit in this chair, so he can open the blinds and watch the sunrise.
Sam: Interesting.
Boromir: Strange is more like it. I mean, who ever heard of an Elf being afraid of germs?
[Sam just shrugs and goes back to cooking, and slowly, everyone makes their way into the kitchen for breakfast. Eowyn and Arwen are being secretive about something again and Eowyn looks pleased to see Boromir is still wearing the pendant. She even kisses Boromir on the cheek, much to everyone’s surprise. Gimli takes some food up to the hobbits while Glorfindel is staring out the window watching the scenery. Legolas comes back in, much more calm, but very cold from being outside.]
**********
[Later that day. Eowyn and Arwen are in their room. Eowyn’s watching “TV”.]
Eowyn: He’s chatting on-line with his brother again. Is that all he ever does?
Arwen: They’re close. Aren’t you close with your brother?
Eowyn: Yeah, but I don’t have to talk to him every day… Oh, look, he’s finally telling him about how he choked on the show. I wonder what kind of advice he’ll give him.
[Cut to den downstairs.]
Boromir: (typing) It’s was awful.
Faramir: I don’t understand.
Boromir: Awful. Horrible. Frightening. Appalling. Dreadful. Horrendous. Terrible.
Faramir: No, I get that. I just don’t understand how you could choke. You’ve done this sort of thing before.
Boromir: No I haven’t.
Faramir: Yes, you have brother. How many times have you stood in front of a brigade of troops, prepping them for battle? This is the same thing – you’re just prepping your listeners for the day to come.
Boromir: Huh, I never thought of it that way before.
[Cut to girls’ room.]
Eowyn: (impressed) That’s good advice. You can tell they really understand each other. And Faramir is so patient with him. You can tell he really gives Boromir a lot of confidence. And he seems so sweet.
Arwen: Which brother are you spying on again?
Eowyn: What is that supposed to mean?
Arwen: It means, I think it’s time you give them some privacy.
Eowyn: Oh, all right. (turns off TV)
[Cut to den.]
Boromir: So, you’re still coming next week right?
Faramir: Of course, as soon as Father gives me the go, which I’m expecting will be any day now. I’ve been annoying him a lot lately.
Boromir: Well, annoy him some more. I really need to see you. And I want you to meet Eowyn.
Faramir: The scary lady?
Boromir: She’s not scary anymore. She’s actually coming around. We have a date Friday night.
Faramir: Where are you taking her?
Boromir: I don’t know. That’s why I need to talk to you. I don’t want to screw this up again. What do you suggest?
[They chat a little while longer and Boromir writes stuff down.]
**********
[Montage of next couple of days. Elrond comes for another inspection and is pleased to see everything running smoothly. Legolas spends more and more time out in the garden target practicing. He’s even gotten some mechanical rigs that jump out at you or go darting through the garden. All the dummies look suspiciously like Glorfindel. Eowyn and Boromir spend some time together and Eowyn gives Boromir some pointers on pool. Gimli has developed a crush on Arwen and offers to go shopping with her to carry her bags. She quickly accepts the offer. Sam goes out to the barn to check on Bill and is dismayed to see it’s now so cold the pony has frost in his mane. Sam tries to sneak the pony in the house, but Frodo hears the racket and sneaks down to see what’s going on.
Frodo: No, Sam. I told you, you could only keep him if he stays outside.
Sam: (pouting) But he’s so cold.
Frodo: Oh, don’t do the pouting thing.
Sam: (pouts more)
Frodo: (giving in) Fine, but you have to keep him out of the way.
Sam decides to keep Bill out of the way in the pantry, as no one ever goes in there but him anyway. Merry and Pippin spend their time examining every square inch of the house, and they talk Legolas into doing some shopping for them. That night while everyone’s asleep, they sneak down to the kitchen and go through the cupboards and examine the chairs.]
**********
[Next morning. Merry has talked Sam into sleeping in and has decided to cook breakfast. He’s in the kitchen when all the housemates come down to eat and he has made enough food to feed an army.]
Boromir: Mer, um, Frodo, this smells delicious.
Glorfindel: And why shouldn’t it? You’ve outdone yourself today.
Merry: Oh, it’s nothing really. (notices the housemates’ reluctant glances) Well, what are you waiting for? Dig in!
[Glorfindel goes first, taking his glass and plate from the cupboard. He piles food onto his plate and pours himself some orange juice, then goes to sit in his chair. Merry acts nonchalant as he serves everyone else, but he winks conspiratorially at Legolas, who smiles back. They all sit down to eat. Halfway through the meal, Arwen notices something odd about Glorfindel. She nudges Eowyn, who nudges Boromir. Soon, everyone is just watching Glorfindel, who doesn’t notice until he’s finished eating.]
Glorfindel: What?
Arwen: You, um, having something blue, all around your lips.
Glorfindel: Blue? On my lips? (brushes mouth with hand, but it doesn’t wipe off)
Eowyn: (looking closer) And your teeth.
Glorfindel: My teeth?
Gimli: And your tongue.
Glorfindel: (VERY worried now) What do mean?
[Glorfindel tries to get up, but is shocked to discover he’s glued to his chair. The housemates are shocked too, and Merry and Legolas do a good job pretending to be shocked as well.]
Glorfindel: All right, this isn’t funny. Now, who’s bright idea was this?
[Everyone shrugs.]
Glorfindel: No one knows? One of you (points at them) is responsible and I want to know who.
Boromir: And your hands.
Glorfindel: What? (looks at his hand that he was eating with, which has also been dyed blue where he was holding his fork)
Legolas: (laughs)
Glorfindel: You! You did this!
Legolas: (laughing harder) No, but I applaud whoever did.
Glorfindel: Wait until Elrond hears of this.
[He tries to get up again, but still can’t get out of his chair. He finally manages to tear himself loose and goes storming off to the den, where he finally sees himself in the mirror and yelps in horror. Housemates crack up, except Arwen, who doesn’t seem pleased. Legolas and Merry high five.]
**********
[Next night. Eowyn and Boromir go on their date. Boromir has decided to take his brother’s advice, and their date goes amazingly well. They start off with dinner at a nice, but not fancy, restaurant.]
Boromir: Is this all right? Were you expecting more? We could go somewhere else, somewhere more fancy.
Eowyn: No, this is perfect. I love it.
[They get seated and place their orders. They pass the time by talking about Merry and Pippin’s prank.]
Eowyn: I wonder how they did it. Some sort of dye obviously, that only shows on skin. Poor Glorfindel though. He’s still slightly blue.
Boromir: Merry said it isn’t toxic; don’t worry. It should wash off after a couple of showers.
Eowyn: But how did they know which plate ware to tamper with? That’s what’s really bothering me.
Boromir: Do you have to nitpick everything apart? Can’t you just enjoy the fact that it was, is and always will be one of my most cherished memories?
Eowyn: They haven’t been eating with us. There’s no way they could have even known where he keeps everything. Someone had to tell them. Probably Legolas. And I’m surprised Frodo didn’t put them on restriction again.
Boromir: I don’t think he noticed. He’s been spending a lot of time in his room lately. And Glorfindel has been hiding. And completely off topic, but have you noticed that the downstairs is starting to smell like a barn?
Eowyn: Yeah, I have. It’s weird.
[Their food shows up and they stop talking to eat. The rest of the dinner goes smoothly, with Boromir keeping the conversation off Merry and Pippin. They leave the restaurant and Boromir takes her to the next part of their date, which is – ]
Eowyn: Paint Ball! I love this game! You did good.
Boromir: It was nothing. I mean, it was obvious, given your personality and everything.
Eowyn: You really pay attention. I’m impressed.
Boromir: I’m just observant, I guess.
Eowyn: Observant, hm? Well, then, let’s see who gets whom first.
[They “war” for an hour, stopping when they’re tied. Both of them are completely covered head to toe in paint. They walk home, laughing and talking all the way.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: That was the best date of my entire life. And to think I was about to give up on him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Thank you Faramir! I really owe him one now.
**********
[Next day. Sam is cleaning out the pantry for Bill the Pony. Merry and Pippin are in the bathroom, searching for something. Whatever they’re looking for, they don’t find it. They give up and go to their room to make more plans for Glorfindel.
Merry: He labels his clothes by day. We could use that.
Pippin: How do we get into his room?
Merry: Well, it’s Legolas’s room too, isn’t it? He’ll let us in.
Pippin: What if we’re caught?
Merry: We’ll use Sam as a look out.
Meanwhile, the other housemates are in the living room finalizing their show for tomorrow. Glorfindel, who is finally no longer blue, is giving Legolas a hard time, shooting down all his suggestions. Gimli, on the other hand, is practically drooling all over Arwen and keeps agreeing with everything she says so that Frodo can’t get a word in edgewise. Boromir and Eowyn keep smiling and making eyes at each other.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I think I liked it better when they were fighting. Honestly, they make me want to gag. And Gimli, what’s up with him lately? Aragorn would have his head if he saw the way he was acting with Arwen. Glorfindel, I mean yeah, he’s being a prick, but he didn’t tell Elrond about what happened. Why? To be nice? No. No, things are just running a little too smoothly. It’s not natural. Something is about to give. I can feel it.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I’m a little worried about Legolas. All this stress is starting to take its toll on him. He’s looking a little paranoid.
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Ah, the holidays approach! What a wonderful time of year! I can’t wait for the feast. It’s going to be so much fun! And I get to host.
Continued in Week 9
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