Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 6, Part II
Week 7: Food, Dwarves and Radio Shows – What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early morning. Doorbell rings. Boromir answers to find a delivery man with a package for Eowyn. He goes to kitchen to give it to her.]
Boromir: Eowyn, there’s a package for you.
Eowyn: It’s here already! Yes!
Boromir: What is it?
Eowyn: Oh, you know, just girl stuff. Come on Arwen.
[Eowyn grabs Arwen and starts dragging her out of kitchen.]
Arwen: I still don’t think this is a good idea.
Eowyn: Oh, come on! You promised!
[They leave]
Boromir: They’ve been acting secretive ever since we got back.
Legolas: (shrugs) That’s girls for you.
Boromir: Eowyn is scaring me.
Legolas: Why? She’s actually being nice to you for a change.
Boromir: Exactly. She’s up to something. I can feel it.
Legolas: Isn’t this what you wanted though? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Boromir: The Trojans got a gift horse. Look what happened to them.
Legolas: You’re getting paranoid, man.
**********
[Cut to upstairs. Pippin is sitting in hallway across from bathroom door with a notepad and pen. Eowyn and Arwen come up and find him on their way to their room. You can hear Glorfindel singing inside bathroom.]
Eowyn: What are you doing?
Pippin: Nothing. Just waiting my turn.
Eowyn: (not believing him) With a notepad?
Pippin: Well, I have to pass the time somehow, don’t I?
Eowyn: Where’s Frodo? Does he know you’re out here?
Pippin: He’s still asleep. But don’t worry – we cleared it with Sam.
Arwen: We?
Pippin: I, me, I mean, just me. No one else. Nope, no one here but me, myself, and I.
[Through bathroom door, Glorfindel’s song reaches an ear shattering crescendo. Eowyn and Pippin cover their ears, but Arwen’s un-phased. She seems to have realized something.]
Arwen: You’re not spying on Glorfindel are you? You and Merry?
Pippin: Huh?
Arwen: You heard me.
Pippin: (sighs) If I were spying I wouldn’t be sitting out here in the open. Give me some credit.
Eowyn: So then where’s Merry?
Pippin (shrugs)
Arwen: I’m only going to tell you this once – don’t be a fool. Glorfindel isn’t one to be reckoned with. You don’t want to make him angry.
Pippin: Oh please. We’re not going to do anything stupid.
Eowyn: Well, that would be a first.
Pippin: Hey!
[Eowyn gets restless and goes to her room, dragging Arwen with her. They give Pippin a last warning look before closing the door. Eowyn already has the package half open before the door shuts. Just then, the bathroom door opens and Glorfindel comes out. A blanket of steam and hot air follows him. Pippin quickly looks at his watch and writes something down.]
Glorfindel: (sees Pippin and smiles) Good morning Frodo! Up early I see.
Pippin: Good morning Glory. Enjoy your shower?
Glorfindel: Yes, it was quite delightful. It’s all yours now.
Pippin: Thank you!
[Glorfindel goes downstairs. Pippin goes into bathroom and attempts to see through the mist.]
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: (coming out from cabinet under sink, completely drenched in sweat) It’s like a sauna in here. I’m all dehydrated. I’m seeing spots. (grabs at something that isn’t there)
Pippin: Snap out of it, will you? What can you tell me?
Merry: (looking around) Well, he clearly isn’t able to de-steam the mirrors before doing his hair. How can he see what he’s doing?
Pippin: (not impressed) What else? Where does he keep his shampoo?
Merry: I don’t know. (notices Pippin’s exasperated look) What? I was under the sink the whole time!
Pippin: What kind of spy are you?
Merry: You know, we should really enlist Sam’s help. He always finds out all kinds of good stuff.
Pippin: Yeah, we’re going to need an expert on this job. We’ll talk to Sam as soon as we can get Frodo out of the room. Come on.
Merry: Ok, but first, I need water. The dots are becoming little furry things. (smiles) And they’re so cute!
**********
[Cut to den. Gimli is live cam chatting with his father, Gloin, about his visit.]
Gimli: We could have a feast – if we can keep that hobbit out of the kitchen. He’s rather possessive for a gardener; doesn’t like anyone messing with his things.
Gloin: Yes, I remember hobbits don’t like to be taken by surprise. Best to ask his permission first.
Gimli: It’ll be a tight business finding places for all of you to stay.
Gloin: Oh, it’s only for the one night. And it’s only a few of us. They’ll hardly notice we’re there. Now, how are those Elves treating you? They haven’t tried to lock you up in any cellars have they?
Gimli: Nay, they’ve been more than generous, though Glorfindel grates on the nerves a bit. I try to avoid him.
Gloin: A wise choice.
Gimli: Yes, but it won’t be so easy anymore, I’m afraid.
Gloin: And why’s that?
[Just then, from the kitchen…]
Glorfindel: (way too happily) HOUSEMATES! GATHER ROUND FOR OUR FIRST MEETING!
Gimli: (sighing deeply) Duty calls. See you soon.
Gloin: Stay strong son. (signs off)
[Gimli goes to kitchen where he finds Legolas and Boromir watching Merry guzzle an entire gallon of water without taking a single breath.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I guess they really weren’t exaggerating to those elf babes. That was quite impressive.
[Cut back to kitchen. Glorfindel is waiting impatiently for the girls, who finally arrive a couple of moments later.]
Glorfindel: Good, now, first of all … Frodo, I’m surprised you don’t have breakfast ready yet.
Merry: (finishing his water) Oh well, Sammmething came up and I was, well, I was busy this morning.
Glorfindel: Yes, sitting out in the hallway. I remember.
[They stare at each other for a moment. Housemates hold their breath.]
Glorfindel: Thirsty?
Merry: Yeah, well, I was busy, as I said, and I got thirsty.
Glorfindel: And sweaty. (suddenly smiles widely) But yes, you’re quite right. We can’t expect you to do the cooking every morning. All right then, housemates, let’s get cooking and let’s get this meeting started. We need to figure out the concepts of your radio programs. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: It was bound to happen sooner or later. I mean, if you think about all the fights we’ve had in that kitchen, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: I’m just glad it was me down there and not Frodo. That wasn’t something he needed to experience, poor guy. Or Sam. He can get unusually violent sometimes.
[Cut back to kitchen. The housemates start preparing the meal, and Glorfindel attempts to get them talking about show programs. But none of them can agree on what they want to do.]
Legolas: You know, every morning show has that guy that they get to do really stupid stuff. We should do that! What do you say Gimli?
Gimli: I say you’re mad if you’re thinking of me.
Boromir: You’re comic relief, buddy. Get used to it.
Gimli: I think not!
[Glorfindel steps in and manages to steer the conversation to the type of music to be played, but the antagonism is set. The housemates can’t agree on anything and Merry doesn’t help by jumping in at opportune moments to add fuel to the fire.]
Eowyn: Why don’t you listen to anything I have to say? You boys are trying to run the show; that’s not fair.
Boromir: We’re not trying to run the show.
Merry: Just keep you in your place.
Eowyn: I give you a second chance and you’re still as big a jerk as always!
Boromir: Second chance?! You call going from Ice Queen to Little Miss Sunshine in two minutes is a second chance? It was freaky! Give a guy some notice.
Legolas: Give the girl a break.
Eowyn: I am not a girl. I’m a woman.
Glorfindel: People, people, please, let’s calm down and relax. Think happy thoughts!
Legolas: Like you being ripped apart by orcs.
[Everyone just looks at him]
Legolas: Did I say that out loud?
Arwen: Honestly Legolas, just because you’re jealous…
Legolas: Jealous?! Of him? Yeah, right! Like that’ll happen in this age!
Gimli: Don’t be sorry for your feelings Legolas.
Merry: Yeah. Glorfindel can’t help it if he’s better looking.
Legolas: (turning on Glorfindel) You are not better looking!
Glorfindel: (flips hair and smiles) Actually, I am.
Legolas: Really? We’ll see about that. (picks up a diced tomato and throws it right at Glorfindel.)
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Right in the eye! 100 points!
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: Always trust an Elf to cause trouble.
[Cut back to kitchen. Everyone has frozen in their place and are waiting for Glorfindel’s reaction. He slowly wipes the tomato from his face, picks up some raspberries and flings them at Legolas, who ducks just in time, causing the berries to hit Arwen in the face.]
Arwen: Oh, no you didn’t.
[She picks up a bag of flour, throws it at Glorfindel but she completely misses her mark and the bag lands in front of Eowyn, and well, you can guess the rest. Monster food fight ensues, resulting in the complete obliteration of all the food in the kitchen and most of the cooking utensils.]
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs.]
Frodo: What in Middle-earth is going on down there?
Sam: I don’t know, but I don’t like the sounds of it.
Pippin: (depressed) It sounds like fun.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Merry gets all the luck.
[Cut downstairs. Fight goes on for some time, and then something crashes. Everyone looks to see what it is. A cooking pot has been thrown and has crashed into the fish tank. All the water is flowing out and the fish are flapping wildly on the ground.]
Boromir: NO!!!! Not Twinkle Jr.!
Arwen: Save the fish! Quick!
[Everyone stops fighting to gather up the fish and put them in water-filled glasses. When they’re done, they look at themselves and the kitchen. Everything and everyone is completely thrashed.]
Merry: Well, that was fun.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I’m getting a headache.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: That’s it. No one’s allowed in that kitchen unless I’m there. That’s going to be a nightmare to clean up.
**********
[Couple of days pass. Legolas, who it turns out was the one who threw the cooking pot, goes out and buys a new fish tank, made of Plexiglas. Boromir decides to forgive him when he also buys the whole under-the-sea motif complete with scuba diver and mermaid for the fish to swim around. Frodo has restricted Merry and Pippin to the room and only he and Sam are allowed to go out. Gimli goes with Eowyn and Arwen to the grocery store, to fill up the cupboards again and to prepare for his relatives’ arrival. They come back with a LOT of meat.
Sam: Did you buy the entire herd or something?
Gimli: We’re not asking you to cook it, so don’t worry about it.
Sam: Oh, no, you’re not cooking, not after last time!
Gimli: Whatever.
Glorfindel spends most of his time in the den, surfing on-line. He doesn’t appear very eager to face the housemates anytime soon.]
**********
[Nighttime. Frodo’s in den checking his p-mail and sees that Bilbo has sent him an urgent message – Elrond’s on his way. RIGHT NOW! He sneaks out to kitchen, where Sam is buffing the floor.]
Frodo: You better get upstairs Sam. And be sure not to pass Glorfindel on the way up.
Sam: But what about this?
Frodo: Leave it. You shouldn’t be cleaning this up anyway. I’ll speak to the others and have them do it.
[Sam sneaks up to room where Merry and Pippin instantly pounce on him about spying on Glorfindel.]
Sam: No.
Merry: Oh come on, it’s just a little harmless fun.
Sam: Like your food fight? Don’t think I don’t know you started the whole thing.
Merry: Sam, I’m shocked at your accusation. Just for that, you should help us out.
Sam: I’ll ask Mr. Frodo.
Merry and Pippin: NO!
Sam: Then that’s my answer as well.
Pippin: We outrank you.
Sam: I don’t work for you.
Pippin: (to Merry) Does that matter?
Merry: I’m afraid so.
Pippin: Damn.
**********
[Cut to downstairs. Elrond’s just arrived and has gathered everyone in the living room. He’s holding the food bill and he does not look pleased.]
Elrond: You’re going through quite a lot of food lately for just seven people. Twice in less than two weeks, you’ve appeared to replace every single piece of food in this house, not to mention the regular shopping trips besides, that are, by the way, astronomical.
Arwen: Well, Daddy, I told you someone stole all our food.
Elrond: Did that same someone come back to desecrate the kitchen with food warfare as well?
[No one says anything.]
Elrond: Glorfindel. I’m shocked at your lack of control here. I want to see you in the den.
[Glorfindel follows Elrond to den.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Yes! Maybe now we can finally get rid of him.
[Cut to den. Elrond is waiting for Glorfindel to explain himself.]
Elrond: Well?
Glorfindel: Well what?
Elrond: What happened? Don’t leave out a single detail.
Glorfindel: Oh, I’ll tell you what happened.
**********
[Elrond re-enters living room, followed by Glorfindel. Glorfindel avoids everyone’s gaze. Elrond looks PISSED!]
Elrond: Frodo. In the den. NOW!
[Frodo follows him to den. Elrond closes the door.]
Elrond: I must say, Frodo, I’m shocked at your behavior these last few days. What possessed you to start a food fight?
Frodo: (thinks for a moment, chooses his words carefully) I won’t say that I wasn’t partially responsible but neither will I take the full blame. Tension has been high among all of the housemates since our return, and even prior to our leaving. There was bound to be an eruption sooner or later, and after recent events with a certain sword, I thought it necessary to get those tensions out in the open and relieved in as nonviolent a way as possible. Food is easier to replace than limbs after all. If there was an error in judgment, then please forgive me and be assured it won’t happen again.
[Cut to Boromir’s room upstairs. The hobbits are listening at the vent.]
Sam: Good answer, Mr. Frodo.
Merry: See. I was helping.
Sam: Don’t push it. He could still get in trouble for this.
[Cut back to den. Elrond is studying Frodo as if he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing.]
Elrond: I still can’t believe that you would behave so erratically. That type of behavior is not normal for you. Are you certain there isn’t anything you’re not telling me?
Frodo: All that I told you was true.
Elrond: Yes, well, even so, I think it would be wise to remove you from the radio show and just allow the rest of the housemates to do one 4-hour show. You should take some time to rest.
Frodo: That won’t be necessary.
Elrond: Are you sure?
Frodo: Quite sure, though I thank you for your concern.
Elrond: All right then. But one more outburst, I will have to reconsider your position in the house.
Frodo: Of course, I understand.
[Elrond opens door and housemates fall into room. Elrond just steps over them and leaves the house.]
Boromir: (getting up) You ok, Frodo?
Frodo: I’m fine, but (raises voice) I know a couple of housemates who are on probation until further notice.
[Cut to upstairs]
Pippin: Who’s on probation?
Merry: (rolling eyes) Pippin!
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: How did I get dragged into this? I wasn’t the one down in the kitchen! Not that I wouldn’t have done the same thing, but that isn’t the point!
**********
[Next day. Doorbell rings. Eowyn answers door to find a dwarf standing there.]
Eowyn: Hello! You must be Gloin, Gimli’s father.
Gloin: And you must be a vision of heaven itself. (bows) My lady.
Eowyn: (blushing) Thank you Master Dwarf. Do come in.
[Comes in. Eowyn closes the door and follows Gloin to living room, but doorbell rings again. Eowyn goes to answer it. Another dwarf is standing there.]
Eowyn: Um, hello, come on in. You must be with Gloin.
Dwarf: Aye, I’m Bloin. Where’s Gloin?
Eowyn: He’s in the living room, right through there.
[Bloin goes to living room. Eowyn closes door, but doorbell rings again.]
Eowyn: Oh, boy. (opens doors) Hello.
Dwarf #3: Fair maiden of the House (bows)
Eowyn: Please come in. Gloin and Bloin are in there. And you are?
Dwarf #3: I’m Floin.
Eowyn: Right.
[Floin goes into living room. Eowyn just waits with door open. A few moments later, another dwarf comes up.]
Eowyn: Can’t you all arrive at the same time?
Dwarf #4: Then we wouldn’t be able to walk in single file to hide our number.
Eowyn: Oh, you mean like Tuscan Raiders?
Dwarf #4: What, My Lady, are Tuscan Raiders?
Eowyn: You know, sand people. They shoot at the pods as they’re racing by.
Dwarf #4: Not familiar with them.
Eowyn: Right, well, everyone else is in there. And you are?
Dwarf #4: I’m Troin.
Eowyn: Ok, then.
[Half hour later. Doorbell rings. Eowyn answers.]
Eowyn: You better be the last one.
Dwarf #35: Of course I am! What do you think we are – a bunch of intruders?
*********
[That night. Sam has insisted on limiting the number of dwarves into his newly cleaned kitchen to two at a time and is staked out in kitchen to make sure nothing gets messed up. Dwarves decide to cook on barbeque outside in garden, but Sam isn’t very reassured when one of them comes in trailing mud and flower petals.]
Sam: The flowers! You’re not stepping all over them are you?
Dwarf #28: You’re wound rather tight, Master Hobbit. You need to relax. Here, have some ale. Made it myself.
[Half-hour later, Sam is passed out on kitchen table.]
Gimli: Are you sure that was ale?
Dwarf #28: No.
[They laugh and take over kitchen.]
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: My poor kitchen. Just after I got it all cleaned up. And the flowers! The last of the season. They deserved to go better than that.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: A few relatives. A FEW?! More like the entire mine! I couldn’t even hear myself think. And I dread to think of how much fat was in that meat they made. It was good though.
[Cut to dinner that night. Everyone is sitting down wherever they can. Even the hobbits are able to come out of their room and mingle as no one can tell them apart from the dwarves. There are dwarves playing pool and Legolas seems to have finally met his match in Dwarf #13, who constantly ties with him. Dwarves are placing bets on how badly Legolas will eventually lose. Then one of them mistakenly calls him Glorfindel.]
Legolas: (ready to kill) What did you call me?
Dwarf #21: Er, um, which one are you again?
Legolas: Not that one.
Gimli: Come now, Leggy, it’s an honest mistake.
Legolas: DON’T CALL ME LEGGY!
Gimli: (to Dwarf #13) Best let him win the next one.
[Some of the dwarves discover the hot tub and soon have water all over the floor. Merry joins them with a monster cannon ball that sends a tidal wave out into the hall. Pippin has an ale-drinking contest with Dwarf #18 and manages to get up to 8 ales before passing out cold. Eowyn and Arwen find themselves surrounded by the rest of the dwarves, who compete over who gets to wait on them hand and foot and who gets to brush their hair. The girls don’t know whether to be flattered or scared.]
**********
[Next day. Dwarves stick around for breakfast, but there’s no more food in the house – again – and everyone winds up eating out, including the hobbits and Pippin has to get a special tonic for his hangover. After breakfast, the housemates return to the house, which now looks as if it was hit by a tornado to the nth degree.]
Glorfindel: We should really clean.
Everyone: Yeah.
[But they all sit down, completely exhausted, except Gimli, who seems pumped.]
Gimli: I told you it would be a night you won’t soon forget.
Legolas: You won’t see any of us arguing with that.
Glorfindel: Yes, well, we’ll worry about the house later. Right now, we need to decide about your radio programs. You go on air in two days and Elrond needs to approve your programs tonight. Split up into your respective groups. One group can brain storm in here. The other group can go out to the garden.
Boromir: It’s cold outside. Why can’t we go in the den?
Glorfindel: Because I’ll be in there using the Palantir to find sponsors.
Boromir: Well, how bout the kitchen then?
Glorfindel: Well, I guess with no food in the house, we can’t have a repeat performance of our last meeting. The kitchen will be fine, as long as Frodo’s group stays out here. And please, people, try not to lose your tempers. This is supposed to be fun! Housemates that laugh together, stick together. (leaves)
[Housemates split up. Boromir, Eowyn and Legolas go to kitchen, while Arwen, Gimli and Frodo go to living room. A few minutes later, the front door opens and Sam, Merry and Pippin sneak in and up the stairs.]
[Cut to living room]
Arwen: Ok, I was thinking, we could do something like a relationship/advice show. And we could talk about fashion trends and stuff.
Gimli: That’s a horrible idea. We should talk about important things, like axes and the art of blacksmithing.
Arwen: Who would be interested in that?
Gimli: A lot more than would be interested in boring touchy-feely talks.
Arwen: Your program doesn’t go with the kind of music we’ll be playing though – soft rock and instrumental.
Gimli: That drab’ll put the listeners to sleep. Metal is only the way to go.
Arwen: That’s not music. It’s noise.
Gimli: Noise! I think not, and I’ll tell you why… (begins long monologue on why heavy metal rocks.)
Frodo: I’m in hell.
[Cut to kitchen]
Boromir: Ok, so let’s get started.
Eowyn: Why are you in charge of the meeting?
Boromir: Don’t start.
Eowyn: Trying to keep me in my place?
Boromir: Why can’t you be nice?
Eowyn: I WAS being nice! Remember our deal, which even though it’s now completely invalid, I still honored it.
Boromir: How is it invalid?
Eowyn: Because, I may not want Elrond to see the tapes, but you really don’t want Elrond to see the tapes. You’re the one with his ass over the fire here. But I was still nice.
Boromir: After we got back! Not after our deal. You’re up to something.
Eowyn: You are so suspicious. You’re unbelievable.
Boromir: Me! What about you! You’re… you’re… like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter’s chill or something.
Eowyn: I hate you!
Boromir: I hate you more!
Legolas: I’m in hell.
[Cut to den]
Glorfindel: Elrond’s really going to owe me for this one. (puts on headphones and pops CD into Palantir)
[Cut to upstairs]
Sam: They’re at it again.
Merry: Come on, Pip. Let’s sort this out.
Sam: Oh no you don’t! You’re not allowed out of the room. And besides, what about Glorfindel?
Pippin: Go to the vent and spy on him. If you hear him leaving the den, let out a call. I’ll take Frodo’s group. You take the others Merry.
Merry: All right, but we’ll have to be quick.
[They head downstairs. Merry peeks down hallway before heading for kitchen and Pippin heads for living room where Gimli is still boring Arwen with the merits of heavy metal.]
Pippin: Quiet!
Frodo: What are you doing down here?
Pippin: You need a mediator. Now, what kind music do all of you like?
Arwen: Soft rock. Instrumental. New Age.
Gimli: Heavy Metal.
Frodo: Country and Blue Grass.
Pippin: Ok, this is going to be difficult, but not impossible. Now, what are your interests?
Arwen: Relationships. Fashion.
Gimli: Mining. Weaponry.
Frodo: Food. And reading.
Pippin: Ok (thinks, then gets an idea) All right, this is what you do: every week, you showcase a different culture. You’ll have guests on to talk about all of that stuff, their fashions, weapons and food and whatnot. Your music program will be eclectic, focusing on the culture being represented but you’ll also be able to play anything else you want and people can call in with their requests or to ask your guests questions.
[Everyone stares at him, astounded]
Frodo: That’s a really good idea, Pippin.
Pippin: I know. I don’t act it, but appearances can be deceiving. I am really quite brilliant.
Arwen: (roll eyes) Yes, well, it is a really good idea.
Gimli: A fine idea. Which culture should we showcase first?
Arwen: We could do the dwarves. Can you get your relatives back here? Although, maybe they should stay somewhere else. I think poor Sam almost had a heart attack when he woke up and saw the kitchen in shambles again.
Gimli: Aye, they actually just went to visit with Elrond. I can send word to them.
Pippin: Excellent! My work here is done. (leaves and makes it safely upstairs)
[Cut to kitchen]
Merry: (finally breaking into Boromir and Eowyn’s fight when they both stop to take breaths) Oh for the love of all that is green and good in this world! Will you just shut up and admit you like each other already? And if you can’t make up, then for the sanity of all involved, at least wipe the slate clean and start over fresh.
[Merry waits. Nothing happens, but at least they’re not fighting any more, so he continues.]
Merry: Now, what kind of music do all of you like?
Boromir: Grunge. Punk.
Legolas: Classic Rock. Heavy metal.
Eowyn: Hip Hop. Dance.
Merry: Good. Those more or less complement each other pretty well. So this is what you do: every week you pick one album from one of those genres and play it. The whole thing. Then you have guests on the show who were either involved in the making of the album or know a lot about the group and interview them. Then you have callers call in and they can request any song they want from that group or just talk about the band.
[They all stare at him, impressed.]
Legolas: We could do that. That’ll easily take up two hours.
Eowyn: I knew you were a smart one.
Merry: Thank you! I’m a criminal mastermind. We tend to be brilliant.
Boromir: So what’ll be the first album we do?
Legolas: Hell… Hell’s Bells. AC/DC Back in Black.
Boromir: Oh, that’s a good one.
Eowyn: It’s all right.
Legolas: I know a guy who’s like an expert in everything AC/DC. I’ll go call him.
Merry: Perfect! Well, I better get going.
[Just then, they hear a whistle from upstairs.]
Merry: Glorfindel!
Eowyn: I’ll distract him.
Boromir: No, there’s no time. Hide!
[Merry ducks into a cabinet just in time. Glorfindel enters room, apparently having not noticed the whistle as he is whistling himself.]
Glorfindel: Well, I trust from the lack of argument that you’ve settled on a concept for the show?
Eowyn: Yes we have.
Glorfindel: Wonderful. (leaves to living room)
Legolas: Coast is clear.
Merry: (coming out of cabinet) I seem to be seeing a lot of those lately.
Boromir: What do you mean?
Merry: Oh, nothing. (leaves and goes upstairs)
Legolas: Now they’re up to something.
Eowyn: They’ve got something brewing that’s for sure. Should we stop them?
Boromir: Nah.
**********
[Montage. Next day. Everyone chips in to clean house. Arwen and Glorfindel clean up garden while the hobbits work upstairs and everyone else cleans the downstairs. It takes all day, but by nighttime everything is sparkling clean. They reward themselves by going out clubbing. Legolas and Glorfindel are instantly surrounded by elf babes and Legolas takes great pride in seeing he has more than Glory. Eowyn decides to call a truce with Boromir and gives him a pendant with the Rohan crest on it.
Eowyn: Just make sure you wear it always. That way I know you really mean it.
Boromir: Sure no problem. Do you want to dance?
They hit the dance floor. Gimli and the hobbits start a limbo contest. Pippin eventually wins, but Frodo puts up a good fight. Merry pulls Sam aside while they’re busy and seems to talk him into something. Arwen runs into some gal pals and she spends the night telling them all about Aragorn. Everyone goes home feeling much more relaxed.]
Continued in Week 8
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 6, Part II
Week 7: Food, Dwarves and Radio Shows – What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early morning. Doorbell rings. Boromir answers to find a delivery man with a package for Eowyn. He goes to kitchen to give it to her.]
Boromir: Eowyn, there’s a package for you.
Eowyn: It’s here already! Yes!
Boromir: What is it?
Eowyn: Oh, you know, just girl stuff. Come on Arwen.
[Eowyn grabs Arwen and starts dragging her out of kitchen.]
Arwen: I still don’t think this is a good idea.
Eowyn: Oh, come on! You promised!
[They leave]
Boromir: They’ve been acting secretive ever since we got back.
Legolas: (shrugs) That’s girls for you.
Boromir: Eowyn is scaring me.
Legolas: Why? She’s actually being nice to you for a change.
Boromir: Exactly. She’s up to something. I can feel it.
Legolas: Isn’t this what you wanted though? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Boromir: The Trojans got a gift horse. Look what happened to them.
Legolas: You’re getting paranoid, man.
**********
[Cut to upstairs. Pippin is sitting in hallway across from bathroom door with a notepad and pen. Eowyn and Arwen come up and find him on their way to their room. You can hear Glorfindel singing inside bathroom.]
Eowyn: What are you doing?
Pippin: Nothing. Just waiting my turn.
Eowyn: (not believing him) With a notepad?
Pippin: Well, I have to pass the time somehow, don’t I?
Eowyn: Where’s Frodo? Does he know you’re out here?
Pippin: He’s still asleep. But don’t worry – we cleared it with Sam.
Arwen: We?
Pippin: I, me, I mean, just me. No one else. Nope, no one here but me, myself, and I.
[Through bathroom door, Glorfindel’s song reaches an ear shattering crescendo. Eowyn and Pippin cover their ears, but Arwen’s un-phased. She seems to have realized something.]
Arwen: You’re not spying on Glorfindel are you? You and Merry?
Pippin: Huh?
Arwen: You heard me.
Pippin: (sighs) If I were spying I wouldn’t be sitting out here in the open. Give me some credit.
Eowyn: So then where’s Merry?
Pippin (shrugs)
Arwen: I’m only going to tell you this once – don’t be a fool. Glorfindel isn’t one to be reckoned with. You don’t want to make him angry.
Pippin: Oh please. We’re not going to do anything stupid.
Eowyn: Well, that would be a first.
Pippin: Hey!
[Eowyn gets restless and goes to her room, dragging Arwen with her. They give Pippin a last warning look before closing the door. Eowyn already has the package half open before the door shuts. Just then, the bathroom door opens and Glorfindel comes out. A blanket of steam and hot air follows him. Pippin quickly looks at his watch and writes something down.]
Glorfindel: (sees Pippin and smiles) Good morning Frodo! Up early I see.
Pippin: Good morning Glory. Enjoy your shower?
Glorfindel: Yes, it was quite delightful. It’s all yours now.
Pippin: Thank you!
[Glorfindel goes downstairs. Pippin goes into bathroom and attempts to see through the mist.]
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: (coming out from cabinet under sink, completely drenched in sweat) It’s like a sauna in here. I’m all dehydrated. I’m seeing spots. (grabs at something that isn’t there)
Pippin: Snap out of it, will you? What can you tell me?
Merry: (looking around) Well, he clearly isn’t able to de-steam the mirrors before doing his hair. How can he see what he’s doing?
Pippin: (not impressed) What else? Where does he keep his shampoo?
Merry: I don’t know. (notices Pippin’s exasperated look) What? I was under the sink the whole time!
Pippin: What kind of spy are you?
Merry: You know, we should really enlist Sam’s help. He always finds out all kinds of good stuff.
Pippin: Yeah, we’re going to need an expert on this job. We’ll talk to Sam as soon as we can get Frodo out of the room. Come on.
Merry: Ok, but first, I need water. The dots are becoming little furry things. (smiles) And they’re so cute!
**********
[Cut to den. Gimli is live cam chatting with his father, Gloin, about his visit.]
Gimli: We could have a feast – if we can keep that hobbit out of the kitchen. He’s rather possessive for a gardener; doesn’t like anyone messing with his things.
Gloin: Yes, I remember hobbits don’t like to be taken by surprise. Best to ask his permission first.
Gimli: It’ll be a tight business finding places for all of you to stay.
Gloin: Oh, it’s only for the one night. And it’s only a few of us. They’ll hardly notice we’re there. Now, how are those Elves treating you? They haven’t tried to lock you up in any cellars have they?
Gimli: Nay, they’ve been more than generous, though Glorfindel grates on the nerves a bit. I try to avoid him.
Gloin: A wise choice.
Gimli: Yes, but it won’t be so easy anymore, I’m afraid.
Gloin: And why’s that?
[Just then, from the kitchen…]
Glorfindel: (way too happily) HOUSEMATES! GATHER ROUND FOR OUR FIRST MEETING!
Gimli: (sighing deeply) Duty calls. See you soon.
Gloin: Stay strong son. (signs off)
[Gimli goes to kitchen where he finds Legolas and Boromir watching Merry guzzle an entire gallon of water without taking a single breath.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I guess they really weren’t exaggerating to those elf babes. That was quite impressive.
[Cut back to kitchen. Glorfindel is waiting impatiently for the girls, who finally arrive a couple of moments later.]
Glorfindel: Good, now, first of all … Frodo, I’m surprised you don’t have breakfast ready yet.
Merry: (finishing his water) Oh well, Sammmething came up and I was, well, I was busy this morning.
Glorfindel: Yes, sitting out in the hallway. I remember.
[They stare at each other for a moment. Housemates hold their breath.]
Glorfindel: Thirsty?
Merry: Yeah, well, I was busy, as I said, and I got thirsty.
Glorfindel: And sweaty. (suddenly smiles widely) But yes, you’re quite right. We can’t expect you to do the cooking every morning. All right then, housemates, let’s get cooking and let’s get this meeting started. We need to figure out the concepts of your radio programs. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: It was bound to happen sooner or later. I mean, if you think about all the fights we’ve had in that kitchen, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: I’m just glad it was me down there and not Frodo. That wasn’t something he needed to experience, poor guy. Or Sam. He can get unusually violent sometimes.
[Cut back to kitchen. The housemates start preparing the meal, and Glorfindel attempts to get them talking about show programs. But none of them can agree on what they want to do.]
Legolas: You know, every morning show has that guy that they get to do really stupid stuff. We should do that! What do you say Gimli?
Gimli: I say you’re mad if you’re thinking of me.
Boromir: You’re comic relief, buddy. Get used to it.
Gimli: I think not!
[Glorfindel steps in and manages to steer the conversation to the type of music to be played, but the antagonism is set. The housemates can’t agree on anything and Merry doesn’t help by jumping in at opportune moments to add fuel to the fire.]
Eowyn: Why don’t you listen to anything I have to say? You boys are trying to run the show; that’s not fair.
Boromir: We’re not trying to run the show.
Merry: Just keep you in your place.
Eowyn: I give you a second chance and you’re still as big a jerk as always!
Boromir: Second chance?! You call going from Ice Queen to Little Miss Sunshine in two minutes is a second chance? It was freaky! Give a guy some notice.
Legolas: Give the girl a break.
Eowyn: I am not a girl. I’m a woman.
Glorfindel: People, people, please, let’s calm down and relax. Think happy thoughts!
Legolas: Like you being ripped apart by orcs.
[Everyone just looks at him]
Legolas: Did I say that out loud?
Arwen: Honestly Legolas, just because you’re jealous…
Legolas: Jealous?! Of him? Yeah, right! Like that’ll happen in this age!
Gimli: Don’t be sorry for your feelings Legolas.
Merry: Yeah. Glorfindel can’t help it if he’s better looking.
Legolas: (turning on Glorfindel) You are not better looking!
Glorfindel: (flips hair and smiles) Actually, I am.
Legolas: Really? We’ll see about that. (picks up a diced tomato and throws it right at Glorfindel.)
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Right in the eye! 100 points!
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: Always trust an Elf to cause trouble.
[Cut back to kitchen. Everyone has frozen in their place and are waiting for Glorfindel’s reaction. He slowly wipes the tomato from his face, picks up some raspberries and flings them at Legolas, who ducks just in time, causing the berries to hit Arwen in the face.]
Arwen: Oh, no you didn’t.
[She picks up a bag of flour, throws it at Glorfindel but she completely misses her mark and the bag lands in front of Eowyn, and well, you can guess the rest. Monster food fight ensues, resulting in the complete obliteration of all the food in the kitchen and most of the cooking utensils.]
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs.]
Frodo: What in Middle-earth is going on down there?
Sam: I don’t know, but I don’t like the sounds of it.
Pippin: (depressed) It sounds like fun.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Merry gets all the luck.
[Cut downstairs. Fight goes on for some time, and then something crashes. Everyone looks to see what it is. A cooking pot has been thrown and has crashed into the fish tank. All the water is flowing out and the fish are flapping wildly on the ground.]
Boromir: NO!!!! Not Twinkle Jr.!
Arwen: Save the fish! Quick!
[Everyone stops fighting to gather up the fish and put them in water-filled glasses. When they’re done, they look at themselves and the kitchen. Everything and everyone is completely thrashed.]
Merry: Well, that was fun.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I’m getting a headache.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: That’s it. No one’s allowed in that kitchen unless I’m there. That’s going to be a nightmare to clean up.
**********
[Couple of days pass. Legolas, who it turns out was the one who threw the cooking pot, goes out and buys a new fish tank, made of Plexiglas. Boromir decides to forgive him when he also buys the whole under-the-sea motif complete with scuba diver and mermaid for the fish to swim around. Frodo has restricted Merry and Pippin to the room and only he and Sam are allowed to go out. Gimli goes with Eowyn and Arwen to the grocery store, to fill up the cupboards again and to prepare for his relatives’ arrival. They come back with a LOT of meat.
Sam: Did you buy the entire herd or something?
Gimli: We’re not asking you to cook it, so don’t worry about it.
Sam: Oh, no, you’re not cooking, not after last time!
Gimli: Whatever.
Glorfindel spends most of his time in the den, surfing on-line. He doesn’t appear very eager to face the housemates anytime soon.]
**********
[Nighttime. Frodo’s in den checking his p-mail and sees that Bilbo has sent him an urgent message – Elrond’s on his way. RIGHT NOW! He sneaks out to kitchen, where Sam is buffing the floor.]
Frodo: You better get upstairs Sam. And be sure not to pass Glorfindel on the way up.
Sam: But what about this?
Frodo: Leave it. You shouldn’t be cleaning this up anyway. I’ll speak to the others and have them do it.
[Sam sneaks up to room where Merry and Pippin instantly pounce on him about spying on Glorfindel.]
Sam: No.
Merry: Oh come on, it’s just a little harmless fun.
Sam: Like your food fight? Don’t think I don’t know you started the whole thing.
Merry: Sam, I’m shocked at your accusation. Just for that, you should help us out.
Sam: I’ll ask Mr. Frodo.
Merry and Pippin: NO!
Sam: Then that’s my answer as well.
Pippin: We outrank you.
Sam: I don’t work for you.
Pippin: (to Merry) Does that matter?
Merry: I’m afraid so.
Pippin: Damn.
**********
[Cut to downstairs. Elrond’s just arrived and has gathered everyone in the living room. He’s holding the food bill and he does not look pleased.]
Elrond: You’re going through quite a lot of food lately for just seven people. Twice in less than two weeks, you’ve appeared to replace every single piece of food in this house, not to mention the regular shopping trips besides, that are, by the way, astronomical.
Arwen: Well, Daddy, I told you someone stole all our food.
Elrond: Did that same someone come back to desecrate the kitchen with food warfare as well?
[No one says anything.]
Elrond: Glorfindel. I’m shocked at your lack of control here. I want to see you in the den.
[Glorfindel follows Elrond to den.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Yes! Maybe now we can finally get rid of him.
[Cut to den. Elrond is waiting for Glorfindel to explain himself.]
Elrond: Well?
Glorfindel: Well what?
Elrond: What happened? Don’t leave out a single detail.
Glorfindel: Oh, I’ll tell you what happened.
**********
[Elrond re-enters living room, followed by Glorfindel. Glorfindel avoids everyone’s gaze. Elrond looks PISSED!]
Elrond: Frodo. In the den. NOW!
[Frodo follows him to den. Elrond closes the door.]
Elrond: I must say, Frodo, I’m shocked at your behavior these last few days. What possessed you to start a food fight?
Frodo: (thinks for a moment, chooses his words carefully) I won’t say that I wasn’t partially responsible but neither will I take the full blame. Tension has been high among all of the housemates since our return, and even prior to our leaving. There was bound to be an eruption sooner or later, and after recent events with a certain sword, I thought it necessary to get those tensions out in the open and relieved in as nonviolent a way as possible. Food is easier to replace than limbs after all. If there was an error in judgment, then please forgive me and be assured it won’t happen again.
[Cut to Boromir’s room upstairs. The hobbits are listening at the vent.]
Sam: Good answer, Mr. Frodo.
Merry: See. I was helping.
Sam: Don’t push it. He could still get in trouble for this.
[Cut back to den. Elrond is studying Frodo as if he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing.]
Elrond: I still can’t believe that you would behave so erratically. That type of behavior is not normal for you. Are you certain there isn’t anything you’re not telling me?
Frodo: All that I told you was true.
Elrond: Yes, well, even so, I think it would be wise to remove you from the radio show and just allow the rest of the housemates to do one 4-hour show. You should take some time to rest.
Frodo: That won’t be necessary.
Elrond: Are you sure?
Frodo: Quite sure, though I thank you for your concern.
Elrond: All right then. But one more outburst, I will have to reconsider your position in the house.
Frodo: Of course, I understand.
[Elrond opens door and housemates fall into room. Elrond just steps over them and leaves the house.]
Boromir: (getting up) You ok, Frodo?
Frodo: I’m fine, but (raises voice) I know a couple of housemates who are on probation until further notice.
[Cut to upstairs]
Pippin: Who’s on probation?
Merry: (rolling eyes) Pippin!
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: How did I get dragged into this? I wasn’t the one down in the kitchen! Not that I wouldn’t have done the same thing, but that isn’t the point!
**********
[Next day. Doorbell rings. Eowyn answers door to find a dwarf standing there.]
Eowyn: Hello! You must be Gloin, Gimli’s father.
Gloin: And you must be a vision of heaven itself. (bows) My lady.
Eowyn: (blushing) Thank you Master Dwarf. Do come in.
[Comes in. Eowyn closes the door and follows Gloin to living room, but doorbell rings again. Eowyn goes to answer it. Another dwarf is standing there.]
Eowyn: Um, hello, come on in. You must be with Gloin.
Dwarf: Aye, I’m Bloin. Where’s Gloin?
Eowyn: He’s in the living room, right through there.
[Bloin goes to living room. Eowyn closes door, but doorbell rings again.]
Eowyn: Oh, boy. (opens doors) Hello.
Dwarf #3: Fair maiden of the House (bows)
Eowyn: Please come in. Gloin and Bloin are in there. And you are?
Dwarf #3: I’m Floin.
Eowyn: Right.
[Floin goes into living room. Eowyn just waits with door open. A few moments later, another dwarf comes up.]
Eowyn: Can’t you all arrive at the same time?
Dwarf #4: Then we wouldn’t be able to walk in single file to hide our number.
Eowyn: Oh, you mean like Tuscan Raiders?
Dwarf #4: What, My Lady, are Tuscan Raiders?
Eowyn: You know, sand people. They shoot at the pods as they’re racing by.
Dwarf #4: Not familiar with them.
Eowyn: Right, well, everyone else is in there. And you are?
Dwarf #4: I’m Troin.
Eowyn: Ok, then.
[Half hour later. Doorbell rings. Eowyn answers.]
Eowyn: You better be the last one.
Dwarf #35: Of course I am! What do you think we are – a bunch of intruders?
*********
[That night. Sam has insisted on limiting the number of dwarves into his newly cleaned kitchen to two at a time and is staked out in kitchen to make sure nothing gets messed up. Dwarves decide to cook on barbeque outside in garden, but Sam isn’t very reassured when one of them comes in trailing mud and flower petals.]
Sam: The flowers! You’re not stepping all over them are you?
Dwarf #28: You’re wound rather tight, Master Hobbit. You need to relax. Here, have some ale. Made it myself.
[Half-hour later, Sam is passed out on kitchen table.]
Gimli: Are you sure that was ale?
Dwarf #28: No.
[They laugh and take over kitchen.]
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: My poor kitchen. Just after I got it all cleaned up. And the flowers! The last of the season. They deserved to go better than that.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: A few relatives. A FEW?! More like the entire mine! I couldn’t even hear myself think. And I dread to think of how much fat was in that meat they made. It was good though.
[Cut to dinner that night. Everyone is sitting down wherever they can. Even the hobbits are able to come out of their room and mingle as no one can tell them apart from the dwarves. There are dwarves playing pool and Legolas seems to have finally met his match in Dwarf #13, who constantly ties with him. Dwarves are placing bets on how badly Legolas will eventually lose. Then one of them mistakenly calls him Glorfindel.]
Legolas: (ready to kill) What did you call me?
Dwarf #21: Er, um, which one are you again?
Legolas: Not that one.
Gimli: Come now, Leggy, it’s an honest mistake.
Legolas: DON’T CALL ME LEGGY!
Gimli: (to Dwarf #13) Best let him win the next one.
[Some of the dwarves discover the hot tub and soon have water all over the floor. Merry joins them with a monster cannon ball that sends a tidal wave out into the hall. Pippin has an ale-drinking contest with Dwarf #18 and manages to get up to 8 ales before passing out cold. Eowyn and Arwen find themselves surrounded by the rest of the dwarves, who compete over who gets to wait on them hand and foot and who gets to brush their hair. The girls don’t know whether to be flattered or scared.]
**********
[Next day. Dwarves stick around for breakfast, but there’s no more food in the house – again – and everyone winds up eating out, including the hobbits and Pippin has to get a special tonic for his hangover. After breakfast, the housemates return to the house, which now looks as if it was hit by a tornado to the nth degree.]
Glorfindel: We should really clean.
Everyone: Yeah.
[But they all sit down, completely exhausted, except Gimli, who seems pumped.]
Gimli: I told you it would be a night you won’t soon forget.
Legolas: You won’t see any of us arguing with that.
Glorfindel: Yes, well, we’ll worry about the house later. Right now, we need to decide about your radio programs. You go on air in two days and Elrond needs to approve your programs tonight. Split up into your respective groups. One group can brain storm in here. The other group can go out to the garden.
Boromir: It’s cold outside. Why can’t we go in the den?
Glorfindel: Because I’ll be in there using the Palantir to find sponsors.
Boromir: Well, how bout the kitchen then?
Glorfindel: Well, I guess with no food in the house, we can’t have a repeat performance of our last meeting. The kitchen will be fine, as long as Frodo’s group stays out here. And please, people, try not to lose your tempers. This is supposed to be fun! Housemates that laugh together, stick together. (leaves)
[Housemates split up. Boromir, Eowyn and Legolas go to kitchen, while Arwen, Gimli and Frodo go to living room. A few minutes later, the front door opens and Sam, Merry and Pippin sneak in and up the stairs.]
[Cut to living room]
Arwen: Ok, I was thinking, we could do something like a relationship/advice show. And we could talk about fashion trends and stuff.
Gimli: That’s a horrible idea. We should talk about important things, like axes and the art of blacksmithing.
Arwen: Who would be interested in that?
Gimli: A lot more than would be interested in boring touchy-feely talks.
Arwen: Your program doesn’t go with the kind of music we’ll be playing though – soft rock and instrumental.
Gimli: That drab’ll put the listeners to sleep. Metal is only the way to go.
Arwen: That’s not music. It’s noise.
Gimli: Noise! I think not, and I’ll tell you why… (begins long monologue on why heavy metal rocks.)
Frodo: I’m in hell.
[Cut to kitchen]
Boromir: Ok, so let’s get started.
Eowyn: Why are you in charge of the meeting?
Boromir: Don’t start.
Eowyn: Trying to keep me in my place?
Boromir: Why can’t you be nice?
Eowyn: I WAS being nice! Remember our deal, which even though it’s now completely invalid, I still honored it.
Boromir: How is it invalid?
Eowyn: Because, I may not want Elrond to see the tapes, but you really don’t want Elrond to see the tapes. You’re the one with his ass over the fire here. But I was still nice.
Boromir: After we got back! Not after our deal. You’re up to something.
Eowyn: You are so suspicious. You’re unbelievable.
Boromir: Me! What about you! You’re… you’re… like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter’s chill or something.
Eowyn: I hate you!
Boromir: I hate you more!
Legolas: I’m in hell.
[Cut to den]
Glorfindel: Elrond’s really going to owe me for this one. (puts on headphones and pops CD into Palantir)
[Cut to upstairs]
Sam: They’re at it again.
Merry: Come on, Pip. Let’s sort this out.
Sam: Oh no you don’t! You’re not allowed out of the room. And besides, what about Glorfindel?
Pippin: Go to the vent and spy on him. If you hear him leaving the den, let out a call. I’ll take Frodo’s group. You take the others Merry.
Merry: All right, but we’ll have to be quick.
[They head downstairs. Merry peeks down hallway before heading for kitchen and Pippin heads for living room where Gimli is still boring Arwen with the merits of heavy metal.]
Pippin: Quiet!
Frodo: What are you doing down here?
Pippin: You need a mediator. Now, what kind music do all of you like?
Arwen: Soft rock. Instrumental. New Age.
Gimli: Heavy Metal.
Frodo: Country and Blue Grass.
Pippin: Ok, this is going to be difficult, but not impossible. Now, what are your interests?
Arwen: Relationships. Fashion.
Gimli: Mining. Weaponry.
Frodo: Food. And reading.
Pippin: Ok (thinks, then gets an idea) All right, this is what you do: every week, you showcase a different culture. You’ll have guests on to talk about all of that stuff, their fashions, weapons and food and whatnot. Your music program will be eclectic, focusing on the culture being represented but you’ll also be able to play anything else you want and people can call in with their requests or to ask your guests questions.
[Everyone stares at him, astounded]
Frodo: That’s a really good idea, Pippin.
Pippin: I know. I don’t act it, but appearances can be deceiving. I am really quite brilliant.
Arwen: (roll eyes) Yes, well, it is a really good idea.
Gimli: A fine idea. Which culture should we showcase first?
Arwen: We could do the dwarves. Can you get your relatives back here? Although, maybe they should stay somewhere else. I think poor Sam almost had a heart attack when he woke up and saw the kitchen in shambles again.
Gimli: Aye, they actually just went to visit with Elrond. I can send word to them.
Pippin: Excellent! My work here is done. (leaves and makes it safely upstairs)
[Cut to kitchen]
Merry: (finally breaking into Boromir and Eowyn’s fight when they both stop to take breaths) Oh for the love of all that is green and good in this world! Will you just shut up and admit you like each other already? And if you can’t make up, then for the sanity of all involved, at least wipe the slate clean and start over fresh.
[Merry waits. Nothing happens, but at least they’re not fighting any more, so he continues.]
Merry: Now, what kind of music do all of you like?
Boromir: Grunge. Punk.
Legolas: Classic Rock. Heavy metal.
Eowyn: Hip Hop. Dance.
Merry: Good. Those more or less complement each other pretty well. So this is what you do: every week you pick one album from one of those genres and play it. The whole thing. Then you have guests on the show who were either involved in the making of the album or know a lot about the group and interview them. Then you have callers call in and they can request any song they want from that group or just talk about the band.
[They all stare at him, impressed.]
Legolas: We could do that. That’ll easily take up two hours.
Eowyn: I knew you were a smart one.
Merry: Thank you! I’m a criminal mastermind. We tend to be brilliant.
Boromir: So what’ll be the first album we do?
Legolas: Hell… Hell’s Bells. AC/DC Back in Black.
Boromir: Oh, that’s a good one.
Eowyn: It’s all right.
Legolas: I know a guy who’s like an expert in everything AC/DC. I’ll go call him.
Merry: Perfect! Well, I better get going.
[Just then, they hear a whistle from upstairs.]
Merry: Glorfindel!
Eowyn: I’ll distract him.
Boromir: No, there’s no time. Hide!
[Merry ducks into a cabinet just in time. Glorfindel enters room, apparently having not noticed the whistle as he is whistling himself.]
Glorfindel: Well, I trust from the lack of argument that you’ve settled on a concept for the show?
Eowyn: Yes we have.
Glorfindel: Wonderful. (leaves to living room)
Legolas: Coast is clear.
Merry: (coming out of cabinet) I seem to be seeing a lot of those lately.
Boromir: What do you mean?
Merry: Oh, nothing. (leaves and goes upstairs)
Legolas: Now they’re up to something.
Eowyn: They’ve got something brewing that’s for sure. Should we stop them?
Boromir: Nah.
**********
[Montage. Next day. Everyone chips in to clean house. Arwen and Glorfindel clean up garden while the hobbits work upstairs and everyone else cleans the downstairs. It takes all day, but by nighttime everything is sparkling clean. They reward themselves by going out clubbing. Legolas and Glorfindel are instantly surrounded by elf babes and Legolas takes great pride in seeing he has more than Glory. Eowyn decides to call a truce with Boromir and gives him a pendant with the Rohan crest on it.
Eowyn: Just make sure you wear it always. That way I know you really mean it.
Boromir: Sure no problem. Do you want to dance?
They hit the dance floor. Gimli and the hobbits start a limbo contest. Pippin eventually wins, but Frodo puts up a good fight. Merry pulls Sam aside while they’re busy and seems to talk him into something. Arwen runs into some gal pals and she spends the night telling them all about Aragorn. Everyone goes home feeling much more relaxed.]
Continued in Week 8
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