Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 6, Part I
Week 6, Part II: Trick, or Treat?
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Montage of next day. Hobbits are still in their room, although now they’re playing Monopoly. Pippin goes bankrupt within 10 minutes, Sam keeps trying to lend Frodo his money so he can buy Broadway and Park Place, but Frodo somehow winds up in jail for the majority of the game. Sam tries valiantly to roll the dice so he can visit Frodo in jail, but keeps passing him up. Merry winds up winning by a landslide. Meanwhile, Boromir and Gimli tag team Legolas at pool, but Legolas still wins.
Gimli: I think he’s cheating.
Boromir: That’s what I keep saying!
Eowyn and Arwen spend a lot of time in their room, discussing something in soft whispers. Eowyn seems to be trying to convince Arwen of something, but Arwen’s being stubborn. Glorfindel claims first rights over the bathroom every morning, using up all the hot water and steaming up all the mirrors, much to the dismay of Arwen and Legolas.]
**********
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Everyone’s fighting over me. I feel so loved.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Glorfindel has to go.
[Cut to next morning. Gimli has now spent three nights on the couch and is complaining loudly about his bad back. The other housemates, minus Glorfindel who’s upstairs quaffing his hair and minus Frodo, Merry and Pippin who are hiding out in their room, gather around to discuss the problem.]
Gimli: Oh, my back. It’s the springs in this forsaken couch – they keep poking me.
Arwen: Well, I still don’t see why you’re even sleeping on the couch. I thought you were supposed to be rooming with Glorfindel.
Eowyn: You just solved the riddle, sweetie.
Arwen: Oh come on. Glorfindel’s not that bad.
Everyone: Yes, he is.
Gimli: Nay, it’s not the rooming with him that has me concerned. At least at night, he’s asleep and can’t annoy me.
Legolas: (under his breath) I wouldn’t bet on that.
Gimli: It’s the lack of the appropriate number of beds that has me worried. And I will not be the one to sleep on the floor.
Sam: Why don’t you just take the spare bed from Mr. Frodo’s room?
Boromir: Spare bed? There are four of you in there; there aren’t enough beds.
Sam: You continually forget that those beds are too high for us.
Legolas: So where are all of you sleeping?
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo, Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin all share the mattress and I sleep next to the door. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin were even sleeping on the floor when they were in Saruman’s room.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Saruman. Is it just me, or did we just trade one narcissistic freak for another? I miss Saruman.
[Cut back to living room]
Boromir: (to Sam) Why do you sleep next to the door?
[Sam gives him an evil look.]
Sam: Just in case…
Boromir: (throwing up his hands in defeat) I give up. There’s no winning with you is there?
Sam: Nope.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Great, now how am I supposed to get my hands on that ring? I’ll just have to try getting close to Frodo, buddy up to him.
[Cut back to living room]
Arwen: Well, at least the problem with the beds is solved. Thank you Sam.
Sam: You’re welcome Lady Arwen.
Eowyn: I feel for you Gimli. Rooming with Glorfindel won’t be an easy task.
Gimli: Actually, now that I think about it, I should be rooming with this elf (points to Legolas) not Captain Ego upstairs. Is he still in that bathroom?
Legolas and Arwen: Yes.
Gimli: Hm, well, as I was saying, I shouldn’t be rooming with Glorfindel. It should be Boromir who gets that pleasure.
Boromir: Says who?
Sam: Lord Elrond.
Boromir: Stay out of this.
Sam: I’m supposed to be Mr. Frodo. It’s my job to be a part of this.
Boromir: I’m starting to think someone’s getting a little too big for his… um, what are those things you hobbits are wearing anyway? You look like some weird version of a Catholic school boy reject.
Sam: Hey!
Eowyn: Getting back on topic, Gimli’s right. You’re supposed to be rooming with Glorfindel, Boromir.
Gimli: If not because of Elrond’s command, then at least as a return of a favor.
Boromir: And what favor would that be?
Gimli: I agreed to keep the hobbits’ whereabouts secret.
Boromir: That wasn’t my favor. That was hers. (points at Eowyn)
Eowyn: You’re right.
Boromir: Yes it was! Oh, wait… what?
Eowyn: I said, if you would just listen for a change, that you’re right.
Boromir: I am? I mean, yes, yes I am. Quite correct.
Eowyn: Yes, you are, hard as that may seem. I was the one who asked the favor. I’ll room with Glorfindel.
Boromir, Legolas and Gimli: You will?
Eowyn: Of course. Only, I wonder…
Legolas: What?
Eowyn: Oh, I don’t know, just how long it’ll take Elrond to kill whichever one of you tries to room with Arwen. (smiles sweetly)
Boromir: Oh, you are good.
Eowyn: I know.
Gimli: Well, if the Man refuses, then I think it only fitting for the Elf to room with the Elf.
Legolas: I don’t think so.
Boromir: Yeah, two blonds in one room. What could go wrong there?
Legolas: Hey!
Boromir: No offense to you.
Legolas: Whatever. Besides, Glorfindel’s not a natural blond.
Eowyn: He’s not? But I thought all of the First Borns had golden hair.
Legolas: They do. But Glorfindel was born here in Rivendell. There’s nothing special about him.
Sam: But he said he slew the Balrog.
Legolas: That was Glorfindel of Gondolin – a completely different Elf. He died. And then, a little while later, this buffoon was born and had a delusion of grandeur.
Arwen: You don’t really believe those rumors do you?
Legolas: Oh, please, it’s so obvious. The day he’s one of the First Born is the day Balrogs sprout wings and fly.
Arwen: But Balrogs do have wings, and they can fly.
Legolas: Prove it.
Arwen: Well, they flew to the aid of Melkor when he was wounded by Ungoliant. They came down like a ‘tempest of fire’. Tempests come from the sky, and since they were all alone, how did they get up there if they can’t fly?
[Legolas just stares at her]
Legolas: Whatever. That isn’t the point. The point is – there is no way in hell I’m rooming with Glorfindel.
Boromir: Well, I’m not rooming with him.
Gimli: And neither am I.
[Just then, Glorfindel comes downstairs, fingering his perfectly styled hair. He turns to the housemates and smiles widely.]
Glorfindel: Now, what have we here? I only heard a snippet of the conversation upstairs, but it seems someone’s arguing over who gets the pleasure of rooming with me. Before anyone has to resort to violence, I think I have a way of solving this problem once and for all. (pulls out hat and drops 3 folded pieces of paper into it) Whoever’s name I pick will be the lucky winner.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Did you ever have that dream where you want to run, but can’t, and you want to scream, but can’t, and time slows down to an indiscernible crawl and all you want to do is die and go to hell because that would be a much better fate? That’s a good dream.
[Cut back to living room. Glorfindel shakes the hat, then reaches in, slowly pulls out a piece of paper, slowly opens it, and slowly raises it to eye level. He reads it dramatically, then pauses, drawing out the torture. Finally, he smiles and announces the winner.]
Glorfindel: Legolas!
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Oh, thank Eru. I mean, (attempting to look sympathetic) poor Legolas. He doesn’t deserve it.
[Cut back to living room]
Glorfindel: (to Boromir and Gimli who are sighing with relief) Yes, I know the loss is difficult to bear, but I assure you, there’s plenty of me to go around. (to Legolas, who’s looking around for a place to crawl up and die) Come on, roomy. Let’s get that bed moved into our room.
Sam: NO!
Glorfindel: What was that Frodo?
Sam: Uh, um, well… you can’t move the bed. At least, not right now.
Glorfindel: Why not?
Sam: Um, because, uh…
Eowyn: Sweat.
Glorfindel: What?
Eowyn: You don’t want to move that big heavy bed and get all sweaty and disheveled, do you? I mean, you just got your hair all pretty. It would be a shame to mess it up.
Glorfindel: Hm, yes, good point.
Boromir: Right, so Legolas and I will move it for you.
Legolas: We will?
Eowyn: I’ll help you Boromir.
Boromir: You will?
Glorfindel: Perfect. (flips hair and walks out of room into kitchen)
**********
[Breakfast time. Sam sneaks the hobbits downstairs to the den while everyone is eating in the kitchen, and manages to bring them 2 big plates of food each while Arwen distracts Glorfindel. After breakfast, Eowyn and Boromir go to the hobbits’ room and move the bed. Frodo decides to check his p-mail while in the den and finds a letter from his “Uncle” Bilbo.]
Frodo: Bilbo sent me something. (reads it) He wants us to come for a visit.
Merry: Is Gandalf there?
Frodo: I imagine he is.
[Merry and Pippin exchange a mischievous look, but Frodo misses it as he responds back.]
Frodo: I told him we’ll try to be around in the next couple of days.
Pippin: Excellent!
Frodo: I also asked him to keep an eye and ear on Elrond and send us a warning of when he plans to visit the house. That should give us time to get out.
Merry: Good idea. No wait, problem.
Sam: What is that?
Merry: Elrond. You can’t leave when he comes Frodo. And Sam can’t stay.
Frodo: Yes, I’ve thought about that. We’ll worry about it later. Pippin – coast clear?
Pippin: (inside control room, looking at monitors) The bed’s out, Glorfindel is still in the kitchen looking at himself in the toaster. We’ll have to run for it, but I think we’re safe.
Merry: All right, let’s go.
[They run upstairs and into their room without a hitch.]
**********
[Next day. Arwen and Glorfindel have gone to get their hair done and Eowyn is chatting on line with her brother. Legolas is in the garden recovering from his first night rooming with Glorfindel by doing some target practice. He’s constructed a dummy with a blond curly wig and is alternating shooting it with arrows and throwing his knife at it. Gimli and Boromir are giving him pointers and the hobbits are taking advantage of some free time to work on their Halloween costumes.]
Pippin: I wonder how much candy we’ll get. Are the Elves very big on Halloween, Legolas?
Legolas: (pausing in mid throw) Well, the Mirkwood Elves go all out with the haunted houses. The Lothlorien Elves have a killer Rocky Horror Picture Show party every year. The Rivendell Elves are big on the masked balls and costume parties. But I imagine there’ll be candy to be had for a couple of trick-or-treaters. (throws knife) Yes! Right in the eye! 100 points.
Pippin: (to Merry) He’s kind of scaring me.
Merry: (nods) Don’t make eye contact.
Pippin: Right.
[They go back to their costumes]
Gimli: What are you going as, anyway?
Pippin: The 3 Stooges.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: The 3 Stooges. How fitting. Not much of a costume though, if you think about it.
[Cut back to garden]
Frodo: 3 Stooges? But there’s only the two of you.
Merry: Oh, well, you’ll be coming too, cousin.
Frodo: I will? Since when?
Merry: Since always. I’m going as Mannie, Pippin’s going as Moe, and you’re Shemp.
Boromir: What about Sam?
Sam: I’m going as Curly.
Pippin: Right, and he and Frodo can take turns going up to the houses with us.
Frodo: I’m Shemp? How did I get to be Shemp?
Merry: Luck of the draw.
Gimli: A draw that conveniently allows you and Master Pippin to ring the bell at every house.
Merry: Huh, imagine that.
Frodo: I really think I’m too old to be trick-or-treating.
Pippin: Nonsense. You can never be too old to help us get free candy.
Eowyn: (coming outside) Heads up guys. Arwen just called from the salon. She and Glorfindel are on their way back. It won’t take them long to get here, so you boys better clean up and get upstairs.
Pippin: You know, that reminds me of something. When we first got here Legolas, you said elves weren’t supposed to have curly hair, but Glorfindel does.
Legolas: That’s because he perms it. (shoots an arrow) In the throat. 50 points.
Gimli: He dyes and perms his hair. Is he gay or something?
Legolas: He says no. I have my doubts.
Eowyn: Guys. Upstairs.
Pippin: Aw, do we have to? Can’t we just pretend like we’re visiting or something?
Frodo: No, we better not risk it. Let’s go.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: One of these days, I’m breaking out of that room. Oh yes, I’m breaking out.
**********
[A couple of days later. Doorbell rings. Gimli answers to find a mailman with a special delivery for all the housemates – a letter from Elrond. The housemates gather in the den, while the hobbits eavesdrop through vent upstairs.]
Glorfindel: (opening letter) Ah! We finally find out what our job is.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Job? Daddy expects me to work?
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Elrond expects Arwen to work? That’ll be something to see.
[Cut back to den. Everyone’s waiting for Glorfindel to tell them what the job is, but he says nothing. He has a sort of dreamy look on his face.]
Boromir: Well, what is it? What are we supposed to do?
Glorfindel: A radio program!
Legolas: Well, that sounds like fun.
Sam: What kind of program?
Glorfindel: Doesn’t say. We’re to meet with Elrond tomorrow to find out.
Sam: (nervous) Meet with Elrond? All of us?
Glorfindel: Yes, at noon.
[Cut to upstairs]
Merry: This doesn’t sound good.
Frodo: There’s still a chance.
[Cut back to den]
Sam: Do you think Mist – um, I mean, do you think Elrond would mind if I brought Sam with me?
Glorfindel: I don’t think that would be wise Frodo. Elrond was kind enough about the disruption at the Council Meeting, but I don’t think you should test his patience again. You tell your gardener to stay away. And make sure he listens this time.
[Sam scowls, but wisely says nothing.]
[Cut to upstairs]
Merry: Well, that’s it then. Gig’s up.
Pippin: But only for Sam. We can still stay right?
Frodo: No, that’ll be too hard on Sam to be turned out alone. You can stay through tomorrow morning and we’ll all go up to Elrond’s together. We’ll leave early to avoid any questions from Glorfindel and we’ll visit Bilbo while we’re there.
Merry: And Gandalf?
Frodo: Yes, Gandalf also, but don’t you go bothering him.
Merry: (looking innocent) Wouldn’t dream of it.
[Meeting in den breaks up, Eowyn and Arwen stay behind to surf the p-net for something, but Arwen seems reluctant to help. Glorfindel goes to living room to practice his best radio voice in the mirror, apparently oblivious to the fact that no one can see him through a radio. Boromir, Gimli, Legolas and Sam go upstairs to Boromir and Gimli’s room.]
Gimli: Well, it seems you wee folk are about to be found out.
Frodo: Yes, I’m afraid you won’t be able to stay here anymore Sam, but Merry and Pippin will go with you.
Sam: I’m sorry Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: It isn’t your fault.
Pippin: Well, since we’re not hiding anymore, I’m going to get something to eat. (leaves)
Frodo: Pippin! Wait!
[But Pippin’s already down the stairs and walking past living room. Glorfindel spots him in mirror and turns around to stop him.]
Glorfindel: Frodo, I need your advice.
[Pippin stops and turns around, looking for Sam, who’s still upstairs. He realizes Glorfindel is talking to him.]
Pippin: Me?
Glorfindel: Of course. Who else goes by the name of Frodo in this house?
Pippin: (laughing) You’re joking right?
Glorfindel: (confused) Joking? No. Do you think I should open my program with a joke?
Pippin: (trying hard not to smile) Yeah, definitely. Jokes are good. Um, can you excuse me for a moment?
Glorfindel: Certainly.
[Pippin runs upstairs and back into Boromir and Gimli’s room.]
Pippin: I don’t believe this. Merry, go down there.
Merry: Why?
Pippin: Trust me.
[Merry goes downstairs to living room, where Glorfindel is patiently waiting.]
Glorfindel: So, what kind of joke do you think I should open with?
Merry: Joke? What do you mean?
Glorfindel: Frodo, are you feeling well? You’ve been rather spacey these last couple of days.
Merry: (catching on) Yeah, I’m great. Never better actually. I guess I’m just missing my cousins. Especially Merry. He’s the perfect hobbit – brave, handsome, charming. Everything I’ve always wanted to be, and more.
Glorfindel: Yes, well, about my opening joke. What do you think of a knock-knock joke?
Merry: Oh, they’re awful. You should use something original, maybe something inspired by your own life. I’m sure you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding something to make a joke out of. … Um, can you excuse me? I forgot something upstairs.
Glorfindel: But of course.
[Merry goes upstairs and into Boromir and Gimli’s room, where everyone is waiting.]
Merry: This guy is too stupid for words.
Legolas: He’s so wrapped up in his own appearance he fails to notice anyone else’s.
Gimli: In his defense, you do all look a lot alike. Brown curly hair. Furry feet.
Merry: We should have thought of this earlier. Frodo, go down there.
Frodo: I don’t agree with this.
Pippin: Just go.
[Frodo goes downstairs and finds Glorfindel where Merry left him.]
Glorfindel: What was it?
Frodo: What was what?
Glorfindel: The thing that you forgot.
Frodo: Oh, I forgot.
Glorfindel: Right, so, about that joke – how’s this? An Elf, a Dwarf and a Man walk into a bar…
[Cut to upstairs]
Sam: He seriously can’t tell us apart. Do you know what this means?
Gimli: None of you have to leave.
Boromir: And you won’t have to be so cooped up anymore.
Pippin: Oh, way better than that! (bounces up and down in gleeful giddiness) We get to play!
[Merry and Pippin high-five.]
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: It’s as if Christmas has come early.
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: I never thought I would feel sorry for that Elf, but no one deserves whatever those two have cooking up. If I weren’t sworn to secrecy, I might consider warning him.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: (smiling blissfully) Oh, I’m going to enjoy this.
*********
[Next day. Halloween. The hobbits have left early for Elrond’s and find Bilbo waiting for them in the garden.]
Bilbo: There’s my lads. How are you? Have you eaten?
Pippin: Yes, but we could eat again.
[They go to kitchens and get some food, then go back outside and eat.]
Bilbo: I trust you’ve been behaving yourselves.
Merry: Absolutely.
Sam: Yeah, but that’ll probably change soon, now that Mr. Glorfindel went and proved to be a bigger idiot than we originally thought.
Frodo: (shocked) Sam!
Sam: Well, it’s true.
Bilbo: (shaking his head) That doesn’t sound like the Glorfindel I know. I would be careful around him if I were you. He is, after all, one of Elrond’s most trusted advisors, and not to be underestimated.
Pippin: Oh please. He can’t even tell us apart.
Bilbo: Since when?
Pippin: Since always.
Merry: (getting bored) Where’s Gandalf?
Bilbo: Last time I saw him, he was in the South Garden, taking a bit of a nap.
Pippin: So he should be awake now. Let’s go Merry.
[They take off.]
Frodo: I hope they’re not planning anything too stupid.
Bilbo: Gandalf can hold his own. He knows they’re coming at any rate. (stands up) Now, I think it’s high time you’ve had the grand tour. Come on.
[Bilbo shows them around the place: the gardens, the main hall, the dining room, the library, his room, and then the kitchen again when they get hungry. By that time, everyone else has arrived and Frodo goes with them to see Elrond.]
[Cut to garden outside. Merry and Pippin have found Gandalf, who is sleeping soundly in a hammock.]
Merry: (whispering) Ok, I’ll go up the tree and rig the confetti bomb. Then I’ll throw the string down to you. Tie it to his belt.
[Pippin nods. The “bomb” is rigged in no time and Merry and Pippin run to hide in some nearby bushes to wait.]
[Cut to Elrond’s counsel chamber. The housemates are seated around waiting for Elrond to start.]
Elrond: All right housemates, listen up. This is how this is going to work. You will divide into two teams of three people each. Each team will have a two-hour time slot to air on Sunday mornings. You can have music, you can have guests, you can have listeners call in, but each session must be centered around a singular topic or theme, to be approved by me no later than the Thursday before. How you divide the work is up to you. I will be the director, naturally, but you will have to choose a producer to oversee both shows. I will need to know who the producer is and who the teams are before you leave. Now, get to work people, you have eight days till airtime.
[Elrond leaves]
Boromir: Well, let’s get to work. Who’ll be the producer?
Glorfindel: I should think that would be obvious.
Boromir: Frodo.
Frodo: Me?
Boromir: For practice, for the leadership role you’ll be carrying later.
Eowyn: That’s a good idea.
Boromir: (getting scared) You keep agreeing with me.
Eowyn: Not by choice, trust me.
Frodo: Thank you, but I really don’t want to be producer.
Arwen: Well, how about me?
[Everyone tries to pretend like they didn’t hear her. Arwen gets offended and starts pouting.]
Gimli: I think it should be Boromir.
Glorfindel: He’s not the obvious choice though. That would be…
Legolas: Eowyn.
Glorfindel: No, not her either.
Eowyn: Glory, be realistic. If you’re producer then you can’t be on either of the shows.
[Everyone thinks about this.]
Legolas: All in favor of Glorfindel for producer?
Everyone: Aye!
Glorfindel: But…
Legolas: Hey, you asked for it.
Boromir: All right then, time to pick the teams.
[They quickly divide into two teams: Boromir, Legolas and Eowyn on one team; Gimli, Frodo and Arwen on the second team. Arwen writes up the list and takes them to her father as the others disperse to explore, running into Sam and Bilbo on the way. Glorfindel stays behind to pout.]
[Cut back to garden outside. Merry and Pippin are still crouched in their bush, but they’re getting restless and their legs are starting to hurt from squatting.]
Merry: Is this guy ever going to wake up?
[Suddenly, Gandalf stirs, yawns and stretches. He swings his legs over the side of the hammock, gets up, stretches again, and walks away. Nothing happens.]
Merry: Pippin! You were supposed to tie the string on his belt.
Pippin: (confused) I did. Maybe you didn’t rig it correctly.
Merry: No, it was perfect. Come on, let’s go see what went wrong.
[They get up, take one step, and the bomb explodes over their heads. Honey has been added to it so the confetti sticks to them and attracts all the bees. Merry and Pippin go running inside.]
Merry: Oh, he is good.
Pippin: How? HOW?! We were watching him the whole time.
[Gandalf comes from behind a pillar where he was hiding, watching them]
Gandalf: Ah, but you forget. I’m a wizard. (walks away, chuckling)
Pippin: (to Merry) One of these days, I’m going to stop listening to you.
Merry: Come on, let’s go get cleaned up.
[Just then, everyone comes down from the meeting and sees them standing there dripping honey and decorated with confetti.]
Gimli: Ah, in costume already! Those Stooges are a crack up aren’t they? I’m impressed by your dedication.
[They just nod until everyone leaves. Frodo, Sam and Bilbo stay behind.]
Frodo: Well?
Merry: Do we really have to explain?
Frodo: No, I suppose you don’t. I told you not to go bothering him. Now get cleaned up. The feast starts at six, and the ball is directly afterwards.
Pippin: What about trick-or-treating?
Bilbo: From the looks of you, I’d say you’ve had enough of each already.
Merry: Come on Pip, before the honey dries and it’s harder to get off.
**********
[Montage of Halloween feast and ball. Merry and Pippin have cleaned up, but still find honey in unusual places during the night. They both avoid Gandalf. Eowyn and Arwen trade off dancing with Legolas and Boromir. Glorfindel is nowhere to be seen. Frodo and Sam hang out with Bilbo and talk about what’s been going on at the house. Gimli teaches the Elves a drinking song and the Elves get drunk in the process. The party lasts all night and the housemates wind up staying over in guest rooms.]
Continued in Week 7
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 6, Part I
Week 6, Part II: Trick, or Treat?
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Montage of next day. Hobbits are still in their room, although now they’re playing Monopoly. Pippin goes bankrupt within 10 minutes, Sam keeps trying to lend Frodo his money so he can buy Broadway and Park Place, but Frodo somehow winds up in jail for the majority of the game. Sam tries valiantly to roll the dice so he can visit Frodo in jail, but keeps passing him up. Merry winds up winning by a landslide. Meanwhile, Boromir and Gimli tag team Legolas at pool, but Legolas still wins.
Gimli: I think he’s cheating.
Boromir: That’s what I keep saying!
Eowyn and Arwen spend a lot of time in their room, discussing something in soft whispers. Eowyn seems to be trying to convince Arwen of something, but Arwen’s being stubborn. Glorfindel claims first rights over the bathroom every morning, using up all the hot water and steaming up all the mirrors, much to the dismay of Arwen and Legolas.]
**********
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Everyone’s fighting over me. I feel so loved.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Glorfindel has to go.
[Cut to next morning. Gimli has now spent three nights on the couch and is complaining loudly about his bad back. The other housemates, minus Glorfindel who’s upstairs quaffing his hair and minus Frodo, Merry and Pippin who are hiding out in their room, gather around to discuss the problem.]
Gimli: Oh, my back. It’s the springs in this forsaken couch – they keep poking me.
Arwen: Well, I still don’t see why you’re even sleeping on the couch. I thought you were supposed to be rooming with Glorfindel.
Eowyn: You just solved the riddle, sweetie.
Arwen: Oh come on. Glorfindel’s not that bad.
Everyone: Yes, he is.
Gimli: Nay, it’s not the rooming with him that has me concerned. At least at night, he’s asleep and can’t annoy me.
Legolas: (under his breath) I wouldn’t bet on that.
Gimli: It’s the lack of the appropriate number of beds that has me worried. And I will not be the one to sleep on the floor.
Sam: Why don’t you just take the spare bed from Mr. Frodo’s room?
Boromir: Spare bed? There are four of you in there; there aren’t enough beds.
Sam: You continually forget that those beds are too high for us.
Legolas: So where are all of you sleeping?
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo, Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin all share the mattress and I sleep next to the door. Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin were even sleeping on the floor when they were in Saruman’s room.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Saruman. Is it just me, or did we just trade one narcissistic freak for another? I miss Saruman.
[Cut back to living room]
Boromir: (to Sam) Why do you sleep next to the door?
[Sam gives him an evil look.]
Sam: Just in case…
Boromir: (throwing up his hands in defeat) I give up. There’s no winning with you is there?
Sam: Nope.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Great, now how am I supposed to get my hands on that ring? I’ll just have to try getting close to Frodo, buddy up to him.
[Cut back to living room]
Arwen: Well, at least the problem with the beds is solved. Thank you Sam.
Sam: You’re welcome Lady Arwen.
Eowyn: I feel for you Gimli. Rooming with Glorfindel won’t be an easy task.
Gimli: Actually, now that I think about it, I should be rooming with this elf (points to Legolas) not Captain Ego upstairs. Is he still in that bathroom?
Legolas and Arwen: Yes.
Gimli: Hm, well, as I was saying, I shouldn’t be rooming with Glorfindel. It should be Boromir who gets that pleasure.
Boromir: Says who?
Sam: Lord Elrond.
Boromir: Stay out of this.
Sam: I’m supposed to be Mr. Frodo. It’s my job to be a part of this.
Boromir: I’m starting to think someone’s getting a little too big for his… um, what are those things you hobbits are wearing anyway? You look like some weird version of a Catholic school boy reject.
Sam: Hey!
Eowyn: Getting back on topic, Gimli’s right. You’re supposed to be rooming with Glorfindel, Boromir.
Gimli: If not because of Elrond’s command, then at least as a return of a favor.
Boromir: And what favor would that be?
Gimli: I agreed to keep the hobbits’ whereabouts secret.
Boromir: That wasn’t my favor. That was hers. (points at Eowyn)
Eowyn: You’re right.
Boromir: Yes it was! Oh, wait… what?
Eowyn: I said, if you would just listen for a change, that you’re right.
Boromir: I am? I mean, yes, yes I am. Quite correct.
Eowyn: Yes, you are, hard as that may seem. I was the one who asked the favor. I’ll room with Glorfindel.
Boromir, Legolas and Gimli: You will?
Eowyn: Of course. Only, I wonder…
Legolas: What?
Eowyn: Oh, I don’t know, just how long it’ll take Elrond to kill whichever one of you tries to room with Arwen. (smiles sweetly)
Boromir: Oh, you are good.
Eowyn: I know.
Gimli: Well, if the Man refuses, then I think it only fitting for the Elf to room with the Elf.
Legolas: I don’t think so.
Boromir: Yeah, two blonds in one room. What could go wrong there?
Legolas: Hey!
Boromir: No offense to you.
Legolas: Whatever. Besides, Glorfindel’s not a natural blond.
Eowyn: He’s not? But I thought all of the First Borns had golden hair.
Legolas: They do. But Glorfindel was born here in Rivendell. There’s nothing special about him.
Sam: But he said he slew the Balrog.
Legolas: That was Glorfindel of Gondolin – a completely different Elf. He died. And then, a little while later, this buffoon was born and had a delusion of grandeur.
Arwen: You don’t really believe those rumors do you?
Legolas: Oh, please, it’s so obvious. The day he’s one of the First Born is the day Balrogs sprout wings and fly.
Arwen: But Balrogs do have wings, and they can fly.
Legolas: Prove it.
Arwen: Well, they flew to the aid of Melkor when he was wounded by Ungoliant. They came down like a ‘tempest of fire’. Tempests come from the sky, and since they were all alone, how did they get up there if they can’t fly?
[Legolas just stares at her]
Legolas: Whatever. That isn’t the point. The point is – there is no way in hell I’m rooming with Glorfindel.
Boromir: Well, I’m not rooming with him.
Gimli: And neither am I.
[Just then, Glorfindel comes downstairs, fingering his perfectly styled hair. He turns to the housemates and smiles widely.]
Glorfindel: Now, what have we here? I only heard a snippet of the conversation upstairs, but it seems someone’s arguing over who gets the pleasure of rooming with me. Before anyone has to resort to violence, I think I have a way of solving this problem once and for all. (pulls out hat and drops 3 folded pieces of paper into it) Whoever’s name I pick will be the lucky winner.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Did you ever have that dream where you want to run, but can’t, and you want to scream, but can’t, and time slows down to an indiscernible crawl and all you want to do is die and go to hell because that would be a much better fate? That’s a good dream.
[Cut back to living room. Glorfindel shakes the hat, then reaches in, slowly pulls out a piece of paper, slowly opens it, and slowly raises it to eye level. He reads it dramatically, then pauses, drawing out the torture. Finally, he smiles and announces the winner.]
Glorfindel: Legolas!
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Oh, thank Eru. I mean, (attempting to look sympathetic) poor Legolas. He doesn’t deserve it.
[Cut back to living room]
Glorfindel: (to Boromir and Gimli who are sighing with relief) Yes, I know the loss is difficult to bear, but I assure you, there’s plenty of me to go around. (to Legolas, who’s looking around for a place to crawl up and die) Come on, roomy. Let’s get that bed moved into our room.
Sam: NO!
Glorfindel: What was that Frodo?
Sam: Uh, um, well… you can’t move the bed. At least, not right now.
Glorfindel: Why not?
Sam: Um, because, uh…
Eowyn: Sweat.
Glorfindel: What?
Eowyn: You don’t want to move that big heavy bed and get all sweaty and disheveled, do you? I mean, you just got your hair all pretty. It would be a shame to mess it up.
Glorfindel: Hm, yes, good point.
Boromir: Right, so Legolas and I will move it for you.
Legolas: We will?
Eowyn: I’ll help you Boromir.
Boromir: You will?
Glorfindel: Perfect. (flips hair and walks out of room into kitchen)
**********
[Breakfast time. Sam sneaks the hobbits downstairs to the den while everyone is eating in the kitchen, and manages to bring them 2 big plates of food each while Arwen distracts Glorfindel. After breakfast, Eowyn and Boromir go to the hobbits’ room and move the bed. Frodo decides to check his p-mail while in the den and finds a letter from his “Uncle” Bilbo.]
Frodo: Bilbo sent me something. (reads it) He wants us to come for a visit.
Merry: Is Gandalf there?
Frodo: I imagine he is.
[Merry and Pippin exchange a mischievous look, but Frodo misses it as he responds back.]
Frodo: I told him we’ll try to be around in the next couple of days.
Pippin: Excellent!
Frodo: I also asked him to keep an eye and ear on Elrond and send us a warning of when he plans to visit the house. That should give us time to get out.
Merry: Good idea. No wait, problem.
Sam: What is that?
Merry: Elrond. You can’t leave when he comes Frodo. And Sam can’t stay.
Frodo: Yes, I’ve thought about that. We’ll worry about it later. Pippin – coast clear?
Pippin: (inside control room, looking at monitors) The bed’s out, Glorfindel is still in the kitchen looking at himself in the toaster. We’ll have to run for it, but I think we’re safe.
Merry: All right, let’s go.
[They run upstairs and into their room without a hitch.]
**********
[Next day. Arwen and Glorfindel have gone to get their hair done and Eowyn is chatting on line with her brother. Legolas is in the garden recovering from his first night rooming with Glorfindel by doing some target practice. He’s constructed a dummy with a blond curly wig and is alternating shooting it with arrows and throwing his knife at it. Gimli and Boromir are giving him pointers and the hobbits are taking advantage of some free time to work on their Halloween costumes.]
Pippin: I wonder how much candy we’ll get. Are the Elves very big on Halloween, Legolas?
Legolas: (pausing in mid throw) Well, the Mirkwood Elves go all out with the haunted houses. The Lothlorien Elves have a killer Rocky Horror Picture Show party every year. The Rivendell Elves are big on the masked balls and costume parties. But I imagine there’ll be candy to be had for a couple of trick-or-treaters. (throws knife) Yes! Right in the eye! 100 points.
Pippin: (to Merry) He’s kind of scaring me.
Merry: (nods) Don’t make eye contact.
Pippin: Right.
[They go back to their costumes]
Gimli: What are you going as, anyway?
Pippin: The 3 Stooges.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: The 3 Stooges. How fitting. Not much of a costume though, if you think about it.
[Cut back to garden]
Frodo: 3 Stooges? But there’s only the two of you.
Merry: Oh, well, you’ll be coming too, cousin.
Frodo: I will? Since when?
Merry: Since always. I’m going as Mannie, Pippin’s going as Moe, and you’re Shemp.
Boromir: What about Sam?
Sam: I’m going as Curly.
Pippin: Right, and he and Frodo can take turns going up to the houses with us.
Frodo: I’m Shemp? How did I get to be Shemp?
Merry: Luck of the draw.
Gimli: A draw that conveniently allows you and Master Pippin to ring the bell at every house.
Merry: Huh, imagine that.
Frodo: I really think I’m too old to be trick-or-treating.
Pippin: Nonsense. You can never be too old to help us get free candy.
Eowyn: (coming outside) Heads up guys. Arwen just called from the salon. She and Glorfindel are on their way back. It won’t take them long to get here, so you boys better clean up and get upstairs.
Pippin: You know, that reminds me of something. When we first got here Legolas, you said elves weren’t supposed to have curly hair, but Glorfindel does.
Legolas: That’s because he perms it. (shoots an arrow) In the throat. 50 points.
Gimli: He dyes and perms his hair. Is he gay or something?
Legolas: He says no. I have my doubts.
Eowyn: Guys. Upstairs.
Pippin: Aw, do we have to? Can’t we just pretend like we’re visiting or something?
Frodo: No, we better not risk it. Let’s go.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: One of these days, I’m breaking out of that room. Oh yes, I’m breaking out.
**********
[A couple of days later. Doorbell rings. Gimli answers to find a mailman with a special delivery for all the housemates – a letter from Elrond. The housemates gather in the den, while the hobbits eavesdrop through vent upstairs.]
Glorfindel: (opening letter) Ah! We finally find out what our job is.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Job? Daddy expects me to work?
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Elrond expects Arwen to work? That’ll be something to see.
[Cut back to den. Everyone’s waiting for Glorfindel to tell them what the job is, but he says nothing. He has a sort of dreamy look on his face.]
Boromir: Well, what is it? What are we supposed to do?
Glorfindel: A radio program!
Legolas: Well, that sounds like fun.
Sam: What kind of program?
Glorfindel: Doesn’t say. We’re to meet with Elrond tomorrow to find out.
Sam: (nervous) Meet with Elrond? All of us?
Glorfindel: Yes, at noon.
[Cut to upstairs]
Merry: This doesn’t sound good.
Frodo: There’s still a chance.
[Cut back to den]
Sam: Do you think Mist – um, I mean, do you think Elrond would mind if I brought Sam with me?
Glorfindel: I don’t think that would be wise Frodo. Elrond was kind enough about the disruption at the Council Meeting, but I don’t think you should test his patience again. You tell your gardener to stay away. And make sure he listens this time.
[Sam scowls, but wisely says nothing.]
[Cut to upstairs]
Merry: Well, that’s it then. Gig’s up.
Pippin: But only for Sam. We can still stay right?
Frodo: No, that’ll be too hard on Sam to be turned out alone. You can stay through tomorrow morning and we’ll all go up to Elrond’s together. We’ll leave early to avoid any questions from Glorfindel and we’ll visit Bilbo while we’re there.
Merry: And Gandalf?
Frodo: Yes, Gandalf also, but don’t you go bothering him.
Merry: (looking innocent) Wouldn’t dream of it.
[Meeting in den breaks up, Eowyn and Arwen stay behind to surf the p-net for something, but Arwen seems reluctant to help. Glorfindel goes to living room to practice his best radio voice in the mirror, apparently oblivious to the fact that no one can see him through a radio. Boromir, Gimli, Legolas and Sam go upstairs to Boromir and Gimli’s room.]
Gimli: Well, it seems you wee folk are about to be found out.
Frodo: Yes, I’m afraid you won’t be able to stay here anymore Sam, but Merry and Pippin will go with you.
Sam: I’m sorry Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: It isn’t your fault.
Pippin: Well, since we’re not hiding anymore, I’m going to get something to eat. (leaves)
Frodo: Pippin! Wait!
[But Pippin’s already down the stairs and walking past living room. Glorfindel spots him in mirror and turns around to stop him.]
Glorfindel: Frodo, I need your advice.
[Pippin stops and turns around, looking for Sam, who’s still upstairs. He realizes Glorfindel is talking to him.]
Pippin: Me?
Glorfindel: Of course. Who else goes by the name of Frodo in this house?
Pippin: (laughing) You’re joking right?
Glorfindel: (confused) Joking? No. Do you think I should open my program with a joke?
Pippin: (trying hard not to smile) Yeah, definitely. Jokes are good. Um, can you excuse me for a moment?
Glorfindel: Certainly.
[Pippin runs upstairs and back into Boromir and Gimli’s room.]
Pippin: I don’t believe this. Merry, go down there.
Merry: Why?
Pippin: Trust me.
[Merry goes downstairs to living room, where Glorfindel is patiently waiting.]
Glorfindel: So, what kind of joke do you think I should open with?
Merry: Joke? What do you mean?
Glorfindel: Frodo, are you feeling well? You’ve been rather spacey these last couple of days.
Merry: (catching on) Yeah, I’m great. Never better actually. I guess I’m just missing my cousins. Especially Merry. He’s the perfect hobbit – brave, handsome, charming. Everything I’ve always wanted to be, and more.
Glorfindel: Yes, well, about my opening joke. What do you think of a knock-knock joke?
Merry: Oh, they’re awful. You should use something original, maybe something inspired by your own life. I’m sure you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding something to make a joke out of. … Um, can you excuse me? I forgot something upstairs.
Glorfindel: But of course.
[Merry goes upstairs and into Boromir and Gimli’s room, where everyone is waiting.]
Merry: This guy is too stupid for words.
Legolas: He’s so wrapped up in his own appearance he fails to notice anyone else’s.
Gimli: In his defense, you do all look a lot alike. Brown curly hair. Furry feet.
Merry: We should have thought of this earlier. Frodo, go down there.
Frodo: I don’t agree with this.
Pippin: Just go.
[Frodo goes downstairs and finds Glorfindel where Merry left him.]
Glorfindel: What was it?
Frodo: What was what?
Glorfindel: The thing that you forgot.
Frodo: Oh, I forgot.
Glorfindel: Right, so, about that joke – how’s this? An Elf, a Dwarf and a Man walk into a bar…
[Cut to upstairs]
Sam: He seriously can’t tell us apart. Do you know what this means?
Gimli: None of you have to leave.
Boromir: And you won’t have to be so cooped up anymore.
Pippin: Oh, way better than that! (bounces up and down in gleeful giddiness) We get to play!
[Merry and Pippin high-five.]
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: It’s as if Christmas has come early.
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: I never thought I would feel sorry for that Elf, but no one deserves whatever those two have cooking up. If I weren’t sworn to secrecy, I might consider warning him.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: (smiling blissfully) Oh, I’m going to enjoy this.
*********
[Next day. Halloween. The hobbits have left early for Elrond’s and find Bilbo waiting for them in the garden.]
Bilbo: There’s my lads. How are you? Have you eaten?
Pippin: Yes, but we could eat again.
[They go to kitchens and get some food, then go back outside and eat.]
Bilbo: I trust you’ve been behaving yourselves.
Merry: Absolutely.
Sam: Yeah, but that’ll probably change soon, now that Mr. Glorfindel went and proved to be a bigger idiot than we originally thought.
Frodo: (shocked) Sam!
Sam: Well, it’s true.
Bilbo: (shaking his head) That doesn’t sound like the Glorfindel I know. I would be careful around him if I were you. He is, after all, one of Elrond’s most trusted advisors, and not to be underestimated.
Pippin: Oh please. He can’t even tell us apart.
Bilbo: Since when?
Pippin: Since always.
Merry: (getting bored) Where’s Gandalf?
Bilbo: Last time I saw him, he was in the South Garden, taking a bit of a nap.
Pippin: So he should be awake now. Let’s go Merry.
[They take off.]
Frodo: I hope they’re not planning anything too stupid.
Bilbo: Gandalf can hold his own. He knows they’re coming at any rate. (stands up) Now, I think it’s high time you’ve had the grand tour. Come on.
[Bilbo shows them around the place: the gardens, the main hall, the dining room, the library, his room, and then the kitchen again when they get hungry. By that time, everyone else has arrived and Frodo goes with them to see Elrond.]
[Cut to garden outside. Merry and Pippin have found Gandalf, who is sleeping soundly in a hammock.]
Merry: (whispering) Ok, I’ll go up the tree and rig the confetti bomb. Then I’ll throw the string down to you. Tie it to his belt.
[Pippin nods. The “bomb” is rigged in no time and Merry and Pippin run to hide in some nearby bushes to wait.]
[Cut to Elrond’s counsel chamber. The housemates are seated around waiting for Elrond to start.]
Elrond: All right housemates, listen up. This is how this is going to work. You will divide into two teams of three people each. Each team will have a two-hour time slot to air on Sunday mornings. You can have music, you can have guests, you can have listeners call in, but each session must be centered around a singular topic or theme, to be approved by me no later than the Thursday before. How you divide the work is up to you. I will be the director, naturally, but you will have to choose a producer to oversee both shows. I will need to know who the producer is and who the teams are before you leave. Now, get to work people, you have eight days till airtime.
[Elrond leaves]
Boromir: Well, let’s get to work. Who’ll be the producer?
Glorfindel: I should think that would be obvious.
Boromir: Frodo.
Frodo: Me?
Boromir: For practice, for the leadership role you’ll be carrying later.
Eowyn: That’s a good idea.
Boromir: (getting scared) You keep agreeing with me.
Eowyn: Not by choice, trust me.
Frodo: Thank you, but I really don’t want to be producer.
Arwen: Well, how about me?
[Everyone tries to pretend like they didn’t hear her. Arwen gets offended and starts pouting.]
Gimli: I think it should be Boromir.
Glorfindel: He’s not the obvious choice though. That would be…
Legolas: Eowyn.
Glorfindel: No, not her either.
Eowyn: Glory, be realistic. If you’re producer then you can’t be on either of the shows.
[Everyone thinks about this.]
Legolas: All in favor of Glorfindel for producer?
Everyone: Aye!
Glorfindel: But…
Legolas: Hey, you asked for it.
Boromir: All right then, time to pick the teams.
[They quickly divide into two teams: Boromir, Legolas and Eowyn on one team; Gimli, Frodo and Arwen on the second team. Arwen writes up the list and takes them to her father as the others disperse to explore, running into Sam and Bilbo on the way. Glorfindel stays behind to pout.]
[Cut back to garden outside. Merry and Pippin are still crouched in their bush, but they’re getting restless and their legs are starting to hurt from squatting.]
Merry: Is this guy ever going to wake up?
[Suddenly, Gandalf stirs, yawns and stretches. He swings his legs over the side of the hammock, gets up, stretches again, and walks away. Nothing happens.]
Merry: Pippin! You were supposed to tie the string on his belt.
Pippin: (confused) I did. Maybe you didn’t rig it correctly.
Merry: No, it was perfect. Come on, let’s go see what went wrong.
[They get up, take one step, and the bomb explodes over their heads. Honey has been added to it so the confetti sticks to them and attracts all the bees. Merry and Pippin go running inside.]
Merry: Oh, he is good.
Pippin: How? HOW?! We were watching him the whole time.
[Gandalf comes from behind a pillar where he was hiding, watching them]
Gandalf: Ah, but you forget. I’m a wizard. (walks away, chuckling)
Pippin: (to Merry) One of these days, I’m going to stop listening to you.
Merry: Come on, let’s go get cleaned up.
[Just then, everyone comes down from the meeting and sees them standing there dripping honey and decorated with confetti.]
Gimli: Ah, in costume already! Those Stooges are a crack up aren’t they? I’m impressed by your dedication.
[They just nod until everyone leaves. Frodo, Sam and Bilbo stay behind.]
Frodo: Well?
Merry: Do we really have to explain?
Frodo: No, I suppose you don’t. I told you not to go bothering him. Now get cleaned up. The feast starts at six, and the ball is directly afterwards.
Pippin: What about trick-or-treating?
Bilbo: From the looks of you, I’d say you’ve had enough of each already.
Merry: Come on Pip, before the honey dries and it’s harder to get off.
**********
[Montage of Halloween feast and ball. Merry and Pippin have cleaned up, but still find honey in unusual places during the night. They both avoid Gandalf. Eowyn and Arwen trade off dancing with Legolas and Boromir. Glorfindel is nowhere to be seen. Frodo and Sam hang out with Bilbo and talk about what’s been going on at the house. Gimli teaches the Elves a drinking song and the Elves get drunk in the process. The party lasts all night and the housemates wind up staying over in guest rooms.]
Continued in Week 7
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