Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 07:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Interlude
Week 6, Part I: The Morning After
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: This is all Elrond’s fault. He should have just let us go on the stupid Quest and be done with it.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Just when I thought I had gotten out of this madhouse. And now I have to share my bed with Merry and Pippin, and Pippin kicks in his sleep! I’m getting bruises.
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: This is going to be hell.
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: (smiling) I’m possibly the best thing to happen to this show. Yes, Elrond was wise to send me here. I can tell I’ve come none too soon.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: (laughing) Well, this should be interesting.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: It’s a good thing Elrond forgot to take our weapons back.
**********
[Next morning. Shot of quiet, empty street. Shot of sun just beginning to rise over horizon. Shot of all the housemates sleeping peacefully. Merry is drooling. Cut to hallway. Glorfindel is standing in hallway, shining brighter than the sun on a cloudless summer day.]
Glorfindel: Rise and shine, sleepy heads! The day awaits! The early bird gets the worm! If you snooze, you lose! Early to bed, early to rise, makes an Elf healthy, wealthy and wise! Up and at ‘em! There’s no time like the present!
[Cut to Legolas and Boromir’s room.]
Boromir: Does that guy ever shut up?
Legolas: Are you kidding? He’s just getting started.
[Boromir groans, rolls over, and hides head under pillow in a vain attempt to block out the light blaring through the edges of the door. Legolas jumps out of bed and starts doing push ups.]
Legolas: One, two, three, four, five…
Boromir: Do you have to count out loud?
Legolas: Yes. Six, seven, eight…
Boromir: Fine. Be that way.
[Boromir gets up and starts doing sit ups.]
Boromir: One, two, three…
Legolas: 9, 10, 11
Boromir: 12, no, 4, 5, 6
Legolas: 7, 8, no wait I already did those.
[They look at each other in confusion and decide to give up and get dressed.]
**********
[Cut to Frodo’s room. Hobbits are rubbing the sleep from their eyes and grumbling about Glorfindel. Sam, who slept against the door, is blinking, trying to clear his vision.]
Sam: I think that light of his burned a hole in my retina. And does he have to be so loud?
Merry: Do you think he’ll notice if we sew his mouth shut?
Pippin: Maybe not if we take down all the mirrors.
Frodo: Be nice. He’s just a morning person.
Merry: He’s annoying. And here I was hoping we’d never see him again.
Sam: What do you mean?
Merry: Didn’t we tell you? He was our taxi driver.
Frodo: Your what?
Pippin: Our taxi driver. Over the Ford into Rivendell.
Frodo: Glorfindel, High Elf Lord, was your taxi driver?
Merry: (nodding) Yes, though he said he usually drives a chariot, but someone had borrowed his horse and hadn’t given it back yet. He was quite upset about it.
Frodo: (shaking his head) I don’t believe you.
Pippin: I can prove it. (goes through bags and pulls out passport) See, that’s his stamp.
Sam: (peeking out door into hallway) Ok, coast is clear. I think. You go first Mr. Merry.
[Merry bolts out door and runs for bathroom.]
Pippin: (pouting) He always gets to go first.
Frodo: He’s older.
Pippin: Well I should at least get to go before Sam.
Frodo: He’s faster.
Pippin: This hiding stuff sucks.
**********
[Cut to Eowyn and Arwen’s room. And guess who they’re talking about?]
Eowyn: Is this guy for real?
Arwen: Glory’s harmless.
Eowyn: He’s a freak job.
Arwen: Look who’s talking.
Eowyn: Oh, will you get over it already?
Arwen: You pulled my hair!
Eowyn: Yeah, so? What damage did it do? You still got the hair; you still got the guy. What have I got? Nothing.
Arwen: What about Boromir?
Eowyn: What about him?
Arwen: He really likes you. And he’s trying so hard to be nice. You need to give him a break.
Eowyn: He’s a slut – making out with the first thing on two legs to come waltzing through the door.
Arwen: (laughing) Oh, that’s just boys.
Eowyn: That’s just boys? And what if that had been Aragorn?
Arwen: Oh, Aragorn would never do that.
Eowyn: Oh, well, whoopee for you. You have the perfect boyfriend.
Arwen: Perfect! Honey, he’s far from perfect. Or perhaps you were so taken with his piercing blue eyes, you neglected to notice that he hardly ever bathes. No, I still have a lot of work to put into him. And as for the ‘other girls’ thing, let’s just say I’ve got a handle on my man.
Eowyn: What do you mean?
[Arwen looks at her like she’s considering something. She makes up her mind, checks hallway to make sure no one is standing about, and tries to close door, but can’t budge it as it is still off it’s hinges.]
Arwen: Um, a little help please.
[Eowyn goes over and together they get the door back on straight and close it. Arwen then takes Eowyn and stands in front of a little 13” screen TV.]
Arwen: Ok, what I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room, or be used for evil purposes.
[Eowyn nods, confused.]
Arwen: I watch over and guide Aragorn wherever he goes. He thinks it’s some weird elf-telepathy thing. Which I can do, if pressed, but it’s very exhausting, especially on a human. So, I found another way.
Eowyn: (intrigued) What is that?
Arwen: A hidden camera.
[Arwen picks up remote and turns on TV. Someone is starting a fire and getting food ready to cook, but you can’t see who the someone is, only what he is doing.]
Eowyn: Wicked! Is that Aragorn?
Arwen: Yep!
Eowyn: Where’s the camera?
Arwen: It’s the diamond in the necklace I gave him. You know – to remember me by.
[Eowyn looks impressed.]
Arwen: I watch him, and if I see him doing something stupid, I press this little button here and ‘guide’ him in a soft supportive whisper.
Eowyn: Wouldn’t he notice the voice coming from the necklace?
Arwen: (shakes head) You mean, ‘the voice of his heart.’
Eowyn: (looking at Arwen as if she’s never seen her before) I have a whole new respect for you. What else have you got?
Arwen: Oh, I’ve got plenty.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Just when you think you know someone. The girl’s got brains. I like her.
**********
[Cut to downstairs. Glorfindel has opened up all the curtains and windows and is heading back upstairs when he notices Gimli on couch, still sacked out.]
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Now why would he want to sleep on a ratty old couch? Clearly, he doesn’t understand the advantages of rooming with me.
[Cut back to living room]
Glorfindel: Gimli! Time to wake up!
[Reaches down and shakes Gimli, who jumps up, startled, and flips Glorfindel onto his back and jumps onto his chest. He stands there with his ax drawn.]
Gimli: Argh! Who dares to attack me?
Glorfindel: Ah, that would be me. Will you kindly get off me so I can get up?
Gimli: I suppose. If you will kindly promise not to awaken me so rudely in the future.
Glorfindel: (smiling brightly) But of course. Wouldn’t dream of it. Will you move now?
Gimli: Apologize first.
Glorfindel: Apologize? Do you know who I am? I am Glorfindel, High Elf Lord.
Gimli: And I don’t give a damn.
[Just then, Boromir and Legolas come downstairs to find Gimli standing atop of Glorfindel.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Perhaps this Gimli won’t be so bad after all.
[Cut back to living room.]
Boromir: I’m sorry, are we interrupting something?
Legolas: Aw, look, they’re bonding.
Glorfindel: Boromir! Legolas! Good to see you both up and about! Um, do you think you could help me out here?
Boromir: Yes. Yes, I think we could.
Legolas: But I don’t think we will, as we’re quite busy at the moment with more important matters.
Boromir: Yes, now that Sam’s no longer here, we’re all going to have to do our share of the cooking.
Gimli: Cooking! I’ll show you how the dwarves eat. It’ll be a feast to remember!
[Gimli jumps off Glorfindel and runs into the kitchen, followed by Boromir and Legolas. Glorfindel stands up, looking miffed, but quickly slaps on a toothy smile as he brushes himself off and checks his hair in mirror before heading upstairs.]
Glorfindel: By Eru, I am gorgeous.
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: And I am. I really am. (smiles)
[Cut back to upstairs. Merry slips back into Frodo’s room and sends Sam to use the bath next. Sam is halfway to bathroom when Glorfindel comes up and spots him.]
Glorfindel: You there!
[Sam freezes and turns around.]
Sam: Yes?
Glorfindel: Frodo, isn’t it?
Sam: Huh?
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Oh, this is too good! Imagine the possibilities.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Oh, this cannot be good. Thankfully, the girls stepped in just in time.
[Cut back to hallway]
Glorfindel: I must say, you look much healthier than when I saw you at the Council Meeting the other day. Not nearly so waifish.
Sam: (getting offended) Waifish? Now wait just a minute!
Glorfindel: Now, now I meant it as counsel, young Hobbit. You’re the Ring-bearer now after all. You must keep up your appearance, look the part. Now, I understand you may be too simple to understand the necessity to market yourself properly, but you’re an important person now, impossible as that may seem, and you can’t go around looking so sloppy.
Sam: (getting angry) Simple?! SLOPPY?! Now, you listen here…
[Just then, Eowyn and Arwen come out of their room. Eowyn heads straight for Sam.]
Eowyn: Frodo! So glad you’re awake. I need to talk you.
Arwen: (grabbing Glorfindel by the arm and steering him downstairs) Glory, honey, I’ve been meaning to ask – how do you get your hair so shiny?
[Eowyn waits till they’re out of sight and then shoves Sam back into Frodo’s room, where Merry and Pippin are in fits of hysterics.]
Pippin: (wiping tears from eyes) He thought you were Frodo!
Merry: (holding onto side) How thick can you get!
Sam: (to Frodo) He said you were waifish and sloppy!
Frodo: I don’t care what he says. Don’t you go blowing your cover.
Sam: But…
Frodo: He thinks you’re me. You’re just going to have to humor him.
Sam: But I can’t be you.
Frodo: You don’t have to be. Just nod along to whatever he says and don’t get defensive. Now, go downstairs and help the others cook. I want to be able to eat my food.
Eowyn: Come on, Sam. Arwen said she’ll keep Glorfindel distracted, and Boromir and Legolas and I will be down there to help as well.
Merry: What about Gimli? What if he tells Elrond that Sam is still here?
Eowyn: He’s no happier with Elrond than the rest of us. I don’t imagine it would be too hard to persuade him to play along.
Sam: But, me? Be Mr. Frodo? It ain’t proper.
Frodo: You can do it Sam. You have to.
[Eowyn and Sam go downstairs. Frodo closes door and starts pacing back and forth while biting his fingernails as Merry and Pippin dissolve into hysterics once again.]
**********
[Cut to kitchen. Boromir and Legolas are there, watching Gimli cooking a LOT of meat.]
Boromir: You know, breakfast usually involves fruit and some sort of grain product.
Legolas: And eggs.
Boromir: Yes, there should be eggs.
Gimli: Eggs are for wimps. This meal will separate the boys from the men.
[Just then, Sam and Eowyn enter the kitchen, which now looks as if a tornado had come ripping through it.]
Sam: What are you doing to my kitchen?
Boromir: What are you doing?! You should be hiding upstairs.
Gimli: Nay, you should be at Elrond’s. Those Elves have disgraced their Lord. You should do the honorable thing and turn yourself in.
Sam: There’s no way I’m leaving Mr. Frodo here alone with (eyes Boromir suspiciously) certain people.
Boromir: For the last time, I didn’t do anything. There was a spider. Spiders are dangerous. Right Legolas?
Legolas: (nods) The ones in Mirkwood will kill you in a second.
Boromir: See!
Legolas: But they don’t have any of those here.
Sam: See!
Boromir: (to Legolas) What are you doing? Do you want him to kill me? Are you trying to get me killed?
Legolas: I was just saying…
Boromir: You’re hanging me out to dry!
Legolas: You’re the one who went bothering Frodo in the middle of the night.
Sam: I KNEW IT! You had your filthy hands all over my Frodo! You are so dead! Where’s that frying pan?
Eowyn: HEY!
[They all look at her as if they’ve forgotten she’s there.]
Sam, Boromir, Legolas and Gimli: What?
Eowyn: Look, before you guys can get too up in each other’s faces, I should explain to you that Wonder Boy caught Sam in the hall and mistook him for Frodo, and we all have to go along with it.
Boromir: You’re kidding? He can’t be that dense. Where’s Frodo?
Sam: Why do you want to know?
Boromir: (sighing heavily) Just answer the question.
Sam: He’s upstairs in his bedroom, with Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, waiting for his food. Which brings me back to my original question: What are you doing to my kitchen? It’s a mess!
Gimli: I’m cooking!
Sam: It looks more like you’ve massacred a cow! What’s with all meat? Where’s the taters?
Gimli: Dwarves eat meat. High protein, low carbs. It’s the Dr. Atkin’s diet.
Sam: It’s nonsense, is what it is. You can’t have breakfast without taters.
Legolas: Well, you’re going to have to, because there aren’t any.
Sam: Yes there are. I just had a bag out last night.
[Sam checks a cabinet, then another, then another. They’re all bare.]
Sam: Where’s all the food?
Boromir: We think those Elves took it.
Gimli: A disgrace. Treacherous, dishonorable…
Legolas: You can stop talking now.
Boromir: Hey, he has a point.
Legolas: You’re taking his side?
Boromir: I’m not taking anyone’s side.
Legolas: Back stabber.
Gimli: Just because the Man agrees with me is no insult to you. Just you’re lying, thieving, despicable race.
Legolas: Stay out of this, Mini Me.
Gimli: What did you call me?
Boromir: Don’t get upset with him.
Gimli: I can get upset with whomever I please.
Boromir: No, not you. Him. (points at Legolas)
Legolas: Me? He’s the one spreading lies.
Gimli: Lies! I have never lied in my life!
[Gimli’s so offended he gets distracted and adds too much garlic salt to the meat. He then tries to make amends by adding too much basil.]
Sam: Now look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined the only food we have. And don’t you dare think of adding that cayenne pepper! Mr. Frodo’s allergic.
Gimli: Don’t tell me how to cook in my kitchen.
Legolas and Boromir: This is his kitchen. (point at Sam)
Sam: Yeah!
Eowyn: HEY!!!!
[They all look at her as if they’ve forgotten she’s there.]
Sam, Boromir, Legolas and Gimli: What?
Eowyn: As entertaining as all of this is, we still have the issue of Johnny Bravo. Now, we have to make sure he never gets Sam alone again. The scene in the hallway was not a pretty one. Also, we need to make sure that Elrond doesn’t find out Sam and the others are still here. You’re not going to tell, are you Gimli?
Gimli: I do not agree with the charade, but neither will I betray my comrades. Your secret is safe with me.
Legolas: That’s very kind of you.
Gimli: Thank you.
Eowyn: Good. Now, I think we should sneak some food up to the others while Arwen’s still has Glorfindel distracted. Is it ready?
Sam: (looking at food mournfully) It’s a ruin.
Gimli: It could be better.
Boromir: (pointing) This part doesn’t seem so bad.
Legolas: That’ll barely feed one hobbit, let alone all of them.
[Before they can discuss the food further, Glorfindel and Arwen enter the kitchen, bickering about something.]
Arwen: Just tell me.
Glorfindel: Forget it. The secret of how to make my “Super Hold, Super Shine, Super Volume Shampoo and Conditioner That Leaves Your Hair Super Soft” is mine and it stays that way.
Arwen: Then at least tell me where you keep it.
Glorfindel: And have you steal that from me as well! Ha!
Arwen: What are you talking about? I’ve never stolen anything from you.
Glorfindel: Then where’s my horse?
Arwen: You don’t have a horse.
Glorfindel: Yes I do. Or perhaps you’ve had Asfaloth so long, you’ve forgotten he belongs to me.
Arwen: Don’t be silly. Asfaloth is mine and always has been. Just because Daddy let you borrow him a couple of times…
Glorfindel: BORROW! You’re the one who borrowed him and never gave him back. He’s my horse, mine, and ONLY mine! SO GIVE ME BACK MY HORSE!
Arwen: Don’t yell at me!
Glorfindel: Or what? You’ll go crying to Daddy? Oooh, I’m scared.
Boromir: Look, why don’t you back off? That is no way to speak to a lady.
Glorfindel: Why don’t you stay out of this?
Eowyn: HEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!
[Everyone looks at her and freezes. During the last fight, she had gone upstairs, gotten her sword, and now has it pointed at the housemates. She looks ready to kill.]
Eowyn: Next one to start arguing gets it through the throat.
[Everyone just stares at her. No one moves. Or blinks. Or breathes.]
Eowyn: That’s better. Now, since there is nothing edible in the house, I suggest we all go out to eat. Separately.
[No one moves.]
Eowyn: Well, what are you waiting for?
Sam: (hiding behind Legolas) Um, for you to put the sword down.
[Eowyn lowers sword and leaves. A second later, you can hear her slamming out the front door. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and slowly leaves as well.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Is it wrong that that turned me on?
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Geez, we were only fighting a little. She totally overreacted.
*********
[Cut to later that day. Everyone has gone out to eat and are now back, but are avoiding each other. Boromir and Legolas skip their usual pool game. Arwen and Glorfindel pretend each other don’t exist. Gimli sits in front of the fish tank, watching the fish swim back and forth. Eowyn polishes her sword. The hobbits hang out in their room, hiding from the others and playing poker.
Pippin: What does it mean when you have four queens?
Merry: Forget it, Pip. We’re not falling for it.
They all place their bets and lay down their cards. Pippin wins.]
Continued in Week 6, Part II
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Interlude
Week 6, Part I: The Morning After
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: This is all Elrond’s fault. He should have just let us go on the stupid Quest and be done with it.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Just when I thought I had gotten out of this madhouse. And now I have to share my bed with Merry and Pippin, and Pippin kicks in his sleep! I’m getting bruises.
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: This is going to be hell.
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: (smiling) I’m possibly the best thing to happen to this show. Yes, Elrond was wise to send me here. I can tell I’ve come none too soon.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: (laughing) Well, this should be interesting.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: It’s a good thing Elrond forgot to take our weapons back.
**********
[Next morning. Shot of quiet, empty street. Shot of sun just beginning to rise over horizon. Shot of all the housemates sleeping peacefully. Merry is drooling. Cut to hallway. Glorfindel is standing in hallway, shining brighter than the sun on a cloudless summer day.]
Glorfindel: Rise and shine, sleepy heads! The day awaits! The early bird gets the worm! If you snooze, you lose! Early to bed, early to rise, makes an Elf healthy, wealthy and wise! Up and at ‘em! There’s no time like the present!
[Cut to Legolas and Boromir’s room.]
Boromir: Does that guy ever shut up?
Legolas: Are you kidding? He’s just getting started.
[Boromir groans, rolls over, and hides head under pillow in a vain attempt to block out the light blaring through the edges of the door. Legolas jumps out of bed and starts doing push ups.]
Legolas: One, two, three, four, five…
Boromir: Do you have to count out loud?
Legolas: Yes. Six, seven, eight…
Boromir: Fine. Be that way.
[Boromir gets up and starts doing sit ups.]
Boromir: One, two, three…
Legolas: 9, 10, 11
Boromir: 12, no, 4, 5, 6
Legolas: 7, 8, no wait I already did those.
[They look at each other in confusion and decide to give up and get dressed.]
**********
[Cut to Frodo’s room. Hobbits are rubbing the sleep from their eyes and grumbling about Glorfindel. Sam, who slept against the door, is blinking, trying to clear his vision.]
Sam: I think that light of his burned a hole in my retina. And does he have to be so loud?
Merry: Do you think he’ll notice if we sew his mouth shut?
Pippin: Maybe not if we take down all the mirrors.
Frodo: Be nice. He’s just a morning person.
Merry: He’s annoying. And here I was hoping we’d never see him again.
Sam: What do you mean?
Merry: Didn’t we tell you? He was our taxi driver.
Frodo: Your what?
Pippin: Our taxi driver. Over the Ford into Rivendell.
Frodo: Glorfindel, High Elf Lord, was your taxi driver?
Merry: (nodding) Yes, though he said he usually drives a chariot, but someone had borrowed his horse and hadn’t given it back yet. He was quite upset about it.
Frodo: (shaking his head) I don’t believe you.
Pippin: I can prove it. (goes through bags and pulls out passport) See, that’s his stamp.
Sam: (peeking out door into hallway) Ok, coast is clear. I think. You go first Mr. Merry.
[Merry bolts out door and runs for bathroom.]
Pippin: (pouting) He always gets to go first.
Frodo: He’s older.
Pippin: Well I should at least get to go before Sam.
Frodo: He’s faster.
Pippin: This hiding stuff sucks.
**********
[Cut to Eowyn and Arwen’s room. And guess who they’re talking about?]
Eowyn: Is this guy for real?
Arwen: Glory’s harmless.
Eowyn: He’s a freak job.
Arwen: Look who’s talking.
Eowyn: Oh, will you get over it already?
Arwen: You pulled my hair!
Eowyn: Yeah, so? What damage did it do? You still got the hair; you still got the guy. What have I got? Nothing.
Arwen: What about Boromir?
Eowyn: What about him?
Arwen: He really likes you. And he’s trying so hard to be nice. You need to give him a break.
Eowyn: He’s a slut – making out with the first thing on two legs to come waltzing through the door.
Arwen: (laughing) Oh, that’s just boys.
Eowyn: That’s just boys? And what if that had been Aragorn?
Arwen: Oh, Aragorn would never do that.
Eowyn: Oh, well, whoopee for you. You have the perfect boyfriend.
Arwen: Perfect! Honey, he’s far from perfect. Or perhaps you were so taken with his piercing blue eyes, you neglected to notice that he hardly ever bathes. No, I still have a lot of work to put into him. And as for the ‘other girls’ thing, let’s just say I’ve got a handle on my man.
Eowyn: What do you mean?
[Arwen looks at her like she’s considering something. She makes up her mind, checks hallway to make sure no one is standing about, and tries to close door, but can’t budge it as it is still off it’s hinges.]
Arwen: Um, a little help please.
[Eowyn goes over and together they get the door back on straight and close it. Arwen then takes Eowyn and stands in front of a little 13” screen TV.]
Arwen: Ok, what I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room, or be used for evil purposes.
[Eowyn nods, confused.]
Arwen: I watch over and guide Aragorn wherever he goes. He thinks it’s some weird elf-telepathy thing. Which I can do, if pressed, but it’s very exhausting, especially on a human. So, I found another way.
Eowyn: (intrigued) What is that?
Arwen: A hidden camera.
[Arwen picks up remote and turns on TV. Someone is starting a fire and getting food ready to cook, but you can’t see who the someone is, only what he is doing.]
Eowyn: Wicked! Is that Aragorn?
Arwen: Yep!
Eowyn: Where’s the camera?
Arwen: It’s the diamond in the necklace I gave him. You know – to remember me by.
[Eowyn looks impressed.]
Arwen: I watch him, and if I see him doing something stupid, I press this little button here and ‘guide’ him in a soft supportive whisper.
Eowyn: Wouldn’t he notice the voice coming from the necklace?
Arwen: (shakes head) You mean, ‘the voice of his heart.’
Eowyn: (looking at Arwen as if she’s never seen her before) I have a whole new respect for you. What else have you got?
Arwen: Oh, I’ve got plenty.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Just when you think you know someone. The girl’s got brains. I like her.
**********
[Cut to downstairs. Glorfindel has opened up all the curtains and windows and is heading back upstairs when he notices Gimli on couch, still sacked out.]
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Now why would he want to sleep on a ratty old couch? Clearly, he doesn’t understand the advantages of rooming with me.
[Cut back to living room]
Glorfindel: Gimli! Time to wake up!
[Reaches down and shakes Gimli, who jumps up, startled, and flips Glorfindel onto his back and jumps onto his chest. He stands there with his ax drawn.]
Gimli: Argh! Who dares to attack me?
Glorfindel: Ah, that would be me. Will you kindly get off me so I can get up?
Gimli: I suppose. If you will kindly promise not to awaken me so rudely in the future.
Glorfindel: (smiling brightly) But of course. Wouldn’t dream of it. Will you move now?
Gimli: Apologize first.
Glorfindel: Apologize? Do you know who I am? I am Glorfindel, High Elf Lord.
Gimli: And I don’t give a damn.
[Just then, Boromir and Legolas come downstairs to find Gimli standing atop of Glorfindel.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Perhaps this Gimli won’t be so bad after all.
[Cut back to living room.]
Boromir: I’m sorry, are we interrupting something?
Legolas: Aw, look, they’re bonding.
Glorfindel: Boromir! Legolas! Good to see you both up and about! Um, do you think you could help me out here?
Boromir: Yes. Yes, I think we could.
Legolas: But I don’t think we will, as we’re quite busy at the moment with more important matters.
Boromir: Yes, now that Sam’s no longer here, we’re all going to have to do our share of the cooking.
Gimli: Cooking! I’ll show you how the dwarves eat. It’ll be a feast to remember!
[Gimli jumps off Glorfindel and runs into the kitchen, followed by Boromir and Legolas. Glorfindel stands up, looking miffed, but quickly slaps on a toothy smile as he brushes himself off and checks his hair in mirror before heading upstairs.]
Glorfindel: By Eru, I am gorgeous.
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: And I am. I really am. (smiles)
[Cut back to upstairs. Merry slips back into Frodo’s room and sends Sam to use the bath next. Sam is halfway to bathroom when Glorfindel comes up and spots him.]
Glorfindel: You there!
[Sam freezes and turns around.]
Sam: Yes?
Glorfindel: Frodo, isn’t it?
Sam: Huh?
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Oh, this is too good! Imagine the possibilities.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Oh, this cannot be good. Thankfully, the girls stepped in just in time.
[Cut back to hallway]
Glorfindel: I must say, you look much healthier than when I saw you at the Council Meeting the other day. Not nearly so waifish.
Sam: (getting offended) Waifish? Now wait just a minute!
Glorfindel: Now, now I meant it as counsel, young Hobbit. You’re the Ring-bearer now after all. You must keep up your appearance, look the part. Now, I understand you may be too simple to understand the necessity to market yourself properly, but you’re an important person now, impossible as that may seem, and you can’t go around looking so sloppy.
Sam: (getting angry) Simple?! SLOPPY?! Now, you listen here…
[Just then, Eowyn and Arwen come out of their room. Eowyn heads straight for Sam.]
Eowyn: Frodo! So glad you’re awake. I need to talk you.
Arwen: (grabbing Glorfindel by the arm and steering him downstairs) Glory, honey, I’ve been meaning to ask – how do you get your hair so shiny?
[Eowyn waits till they’re out of sight and then shoves Sam back into Frodo’s room, where Merry and Pippin are in fits of hysterics.]
Pippin: (wiping tears from eyes) He thought you were Frodo!
Merry: (holding onto side) How thick can you get!
Sam: (to Frodo) He said you were waifish and sloppy!
Frodo: I don’t care what he says. Don’t you go blowing your cover.
Sam: But…
Frodo: He thinks you’re me. You’re just going to have to humor him.
Sam: But I can’t be you.
Frodo: You don’t have to be. Just nod along to whatever he says and don’t get defensive. Now, go downstairs and help the others cook. I want to be able to eat my food.
Eowyn: Come on, Sam. Arwen said she’ll keep Glorfindel distracted, and Boromir and Legolas and I will be down there to help as well.
Merry: What about Gimli? What if he tells Elrond that Sam is still here?
Eowyn: He’s no happier with Elrond than the rest of us. I don’t imagine it would be too hard to persuade him to play along.
Sam: But, me? Be Mr. Frodo? It ain’t proper.
Frodo: You can do it Sam. You have to.
[Eowyn and Sam go downstairs. Frodo closes door and starts pacing back and forth while biting his fingernails as Merry and Pippin dissolve into hysterics once again.]
**********
[Cut to kitchen. Boromir and Legolas are there, watching Gimli cooking a LOT of meat.]
Boromir: You know, breakfast usually involves fruit and some sort of grain product.
Legolas: And eggs.
Boromir: Yes, there should be eggs.
Gimli: Eggs are for wimps. This meal will separate the boys from the men.
[Just then, Sam and Eowyn enter the kitchen, which now looks as if a tornado had come ripping through it.]
Sam: What are you doing to my kitchen?
Boromir: What are you doing?! You should be hiding upstairs.
Gimli: Nay, you should be at Elrond’s. Those Elves have disgraced their Lord. You should do the honorable thing and turn yourself in.
Sam: There’s no way I’m leaving Mr. Frodo here alone with (eyes Boromir suspiciously) certain people.
Boromir: For the last time, I didn’t do anything. There was a spider. Spiders are dangerous. Right Legolas?
Legolas: (nods) The ones in Mirkwood will kill you in a second.
Boromir: See!
Legolas: But they don’t have any of those here.
Sam: See!
Boromir: (to Legolas) What are you doing? Do you want him to kill me? Are you trying to get me killed?
Legolas: I was just saying…
Boromir: You’re hanging me out to dry!
Legolas: You’re the one who went bothering Frodo in the middle of the night.
Sam: I KNEW IT! You had your filthy hands all over my Frodo! You are so dead! Where’s that frying pan?
Eowyn: HEY!
[They all look at her as if they’ve forgotten she’s there.]
Sam, Boromir, Legolas and Gimli: What?
Eowyn: Look, before you guys can get too up in each other’s faces, I should explain to you that Wonder Boy caught Sam in the hall and mistook him for Frodo, and we all have to go along with it.
Boromir: You’re kidding? He can’t be that dense. Where’s Frodo?
Sam: Why do you want to know?
Boromir: (sighing heavily) Just answer the question.
Sam: He’s upstairs in his bedroom, with Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, waiting for his food. Which brings me back to my original question: What are you doing to my kitchen? It’s a mess!
Gimli: I’m cooking!
Sam: It looks more like you’ve massacred a cow! What’s with all meat? Where’s the taters?
Gimli: Dwarves eat meat. High protein, low carbs. It’s the Dr. Atkin’s diet.
Sam: It’s nonsense, is what it is. You can’t have breakfast without taters.
Legolas: Well, you’re going to have to, because there aren’t any.
Sam: Yes there are. I just had a bag out last night.
[Sam checks a cabinet, then another, then another. They’re all bare.]
Sam: Where’s all the food?
Boromir: We think those Elves took it.
Gimli: A disgrace. Treacherous, dishonorable…
Legolas: You can stop talking now.
Boromir: Hey, he has a point.
Legolas: You’re taking his side?
Boromir: I’m not taking anyone’s side.
Legolas: Back stabber.
Gimli: Just because the Man agrees with me is no insult to you. Just you’re lying, thieving, despicable race.
Legolas: Stay out of this, Mini Me.
Gimli: What did you call me?
Boromir: Don’t get upset with him.
Gimli: I can get upset with whomever I please.
Boromir: No, not you. Him. (points at Legolas)
Legolas: Me? He’s the one spreading lies.
Gimli: Lies! I have never lied in my life!
[Gimli’s so offended he gets distracted and adds too much garlic salt to the meat. He then tries to make amends by adding too much basil.]
Sam: Now look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined the only food we have. And don’t you dare think of adding that cayenne pepper! Mr. Frodo’s allergic.
Gimli: Don’t tell me how to cook in my kitchen.
Legolas and Boromir: This is his kitchen. (point at Sam)
Sam: Yeah!
Eowyn: HEY!!!!
[They all look at her as if they’ve forgotten she’s there.]
Sam, Boromir, Legolas and Gimli: What?
Eowyn: As entertaining as all of this is, we still have the issue of Johnny Bravo. Now, we have to make sure he never gets Sam alone again. The scene in the hallway was not a pretty one. Also, we need to make sure that Elrond doesn’t find out Sam and the others are still here. You’re not going to tell, are you Gimli?
Gimli: I do not agree with the charade, but neither will I betray my comrades. Your secret is safe with me.
Legolas: That’s very kind of you.
Gimli: Thank you.
Eowyn: Good. Now, I think we should sneak some food up to the others while Arwen’s still has Glorfindel distracted. Is it ready?
Sam: (looking at food mournfully) It’s a ruin.
Gimli: It could be better.
Boromir: (pointing) This part doesn’t seem so bad.
Legolas: That’ll barely feed one hobbit, let alone all of them.
[Before they can discuss the food further, Glorfindel and Arwen enter the kitchen, bickering about something.]
Arwen: Just tell me.
Glorfindel: Forget it. The secret of how to make my “Super Hold, Super Shine, Super Volume Shampoo and Conditioner That Leaves Your Hair Super Soft” is mine and it stays that way.
Arwen: Then at least tell me where you keep it.
Glorfindel: And have you steal that from me as well! Ha!
Arwen: What are you talking about? I’ve never stolen anything from you.
Glorfindel: Then where’s my horse?
Arwen: You don’t have a horse.
Glorfindel: Yes I do. Or perhaps you’ve had Asfaloth so long, you’ve forgotten he belongs to me.
Arwen: Don’t be silly. Asfaloth is mine and always has been. Just because Daddy let you borrow him a couple of times…
Glorfindel: BORROW! You’re the one who borrowed him and never gave him back. He’s my horse, mine, and ONLY mine! SO GIVE ME BACK MY HORSE!
Arwen: Don’t yell at me!
Glorfindel: Or what? You’ll go crying to Daddy? Oooh, I’m scared.
Boromir: Look, why don’t you back off? That is no way to speak to a lady.
Glorfindel: Why don’t you stay out of this?
Eowyn: HEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!
[Everyone looks at her and freezes. During the last fight, she had gone upstairs, gotten her sword, and now has it pointed at the housemates. She looks ready to kill.]
Eowyn: Next one to start arguing gets it through the throat.
[Everyone just stares at her. No one moves. Or blinks. Or breathes.]
Eowyn: That’s better. Now, since there is nothing edible in the house, I suggest we all go out to eat. Separately.
[No one moves.]
Eowyn: Well, what are you waiting for?
Sam: (hiding behind Legolas) Um, for you to put the sword down.
[Eowyn lowers sword and leaves. A second later, you can hear her slamming out the front door. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and slowly leaves as well.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Is it wrong that that turned me on?
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Geez, we were only fighting a little. She totally overreacted.
*********
[Cut to later that day. Everyone has gone out to eat and are now back, but are avoiding each other. Boromir and Legolas skip their usual pool game. Arwen and Glorfindel pretend each other don’t exist. Gimli sits in front of the fish tank, watching the fish swim back and forth. Eowyn polishes her sword. The hobbits hang out in their room, hiding from the others and playing poker.
Pippin: What does it mean when you have four queens?
Merry: Forget it, Pip. We’re not falling for it.
They all place their bets and lay down their cards. Pippin wins.]
Continued in Week 6, Part II
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