The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 04:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 9
Thanks a bunch to The Noble Platypus, for letting me borrow Randi from her “Mary Sue MockFest 2003”. For those of you unfamiliar with this fic, just think of Randi as the Anti-Mary Sue. And thanks also to Aurora Moonsong for Fan Girl Gollum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disc One Easter Egg
Instructions for finding Easter Egg:
Buy a portable DVD player with headset plug-in. Insert disc one into player and go to the Select-a-Scene screen. Highlight Chapter 5: The Three Hunters so that the scene plays in the little bubble on top of screen. Now, go for a brisk run lasting three days and three nights, with no food or rest. On the third day, stop and look around. Can you see any sign of your quarry but what bare rock can tell? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Run for another three days, resting only at night, to blend living night and deep dream, in the way of the Elves. We are now at day 7, and you have traveled many hundreds of leagues. Now, hopefully, you remembered to bring your portable DVD player with you. If you failed to do this, you’re a pretty sucky hunter. For those of you who did not fail to do this, hit the left arrow key… riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight NOW! A silhouette of a frantic elf will appear. Highlight the frantic elf and press enter. Sit back and enjoy!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Dawn of the Mary Sues
Intro by PJ: Hello, you have found a hidden treat. Unknown to us at the time, one of our cameramen followed Legolas to Mary Sue Land and recorded the events that took place there, and we discovered that time appears to move rather differently there, so what passed as only a few seconds on the screen was actually quite a bit longer in Mary Sue Land. You should be warned before you go any further: some of the following images are of a graphic and intense nature, and should not be viewed by some people. Viewer discretion is advised.
(Fade to black, then we’re back at the dawn of the red sunrise…)
Legolas: A red sun rises – blah blah blah.
Gimli: Dude, you better say that correctly. You already insulted the Big Kahuna once.
Legolas: Yeah, so? What’s he gonna do? He’s dead – hello!
(Just then, there’s a blinding light and white flash with smoke. Smoke goes away. Legolas finds himself in a perfectly pristine world, with super green grass and super blue skies and super bright sun and butterflies flying daintily amongst the many dazzling wildflowers of elanor and nephredil.)
Legolas: Kay, um, what the frick just happened? Aragorn?! Gimli?! Where are you dudes? This sooo ain’t funny. When I find you bros, I’m gonna kick your butts majorly.
(He walks around and attempts to listen for his buddies, but discovers that it is super quiet.)
Legolas: Bros? … Hello? … Anybody?
(He looks around some more and then notices something even more odd.)
Legolas: Am I back in Lothlorien? How the frick did I get here?
(But before he can properly assess the situation, something extremely weird happens: a girl FALLS out of the sky into Middle Earth and lands with an unceremonious thud right in front of Legolas.)
Legolas: Ohmigod! Are you alright?!
(The girl stands up, not harmed in the slightest, and Legolas discovers she is an impossibly beautiful girl with perfectly flowing hair. She smiles an incredibly dazzling smile. Legolas smiles back and is even considering hitting on her, until…)
Mary Sue #1: Legolas! You found me!
Legolas: Well, duh – you frickin fell outta the sky. Kinda hard for a bro to miss that. But, um, how did you know my name? Have you been following us? Are you a spy?!
Mary Sue #1: Why ever do you speak to me in this manner? Have I done something to displease you?
Legolas: (slightly confused) Um, no.
Mary Sue #1: Then we will go now? I know you have problems with your father, but I am sure he will accept me.
Legolas: My father? Dude, what are you talkin’ about?
Mary Sue #1: You were going to take me to meet him.
Legolas: (confused beyond comprehension) Why the frick would I do that? I don’t even know you, hello!
Mary Sue #1: You don’t remember me? Your captivity must have been brutal indeed. (starts crying) Oh, darn you orcs for stealing his memories!
Legolas: Are you sure you didn’t land on your noggin or something? You’re acting way mental.
Mary Sue #1: I will heal you, my darling, and you will remember me, for our love is ETERNAL!
Legolas: LOVE?!? I soooo don’t think so! (suddenly realizing something) You’re one of those psychotic fan girls, aren’t you? I’ve heard about you babes! You go to conventions all dressed up like Elves or whatever, and take pictures next to cardboard cutouts of the Dudeship members. That’s just sick and wrong. Leave me alone!
Mary Sue #1: (crying even harder) One day, you will remember! I promise you that!
(Legolas backs up slowly and is considering making a break for it, when suddenly, another impossibly beautiful girl with perfectly flowing hair falls out of the sky. And this one has a sword!)
Legolas: What the - ?! It’s like epidemic!
Mary Sue #2: Legolas! I found you! I was so worried the orcs had hurt you. Are you well, my love? I slaughtered many on my way, but we aren’t safe yet. We must make for Caras Galadhon at all haste.
Legolas: (starting to wig out) I’m your what?! Dude, you got the wrong elf, babe. I am not, nor have I ever been, captured by orcs. … Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I got a cross-country race I gotta get back to.
Mary Sue #2: Oh, you kidder, you! And so brave, for trying to forget it. Oh, I was so frightened I might never see you again. I have longed for this moment over the many cold, bitter months without your loving embrace. Hold me in your arms, never let me go!
(Tosses sword aside and attempts to fling herself into Legolas’s arms, but he’s much too quick for her. He sidesteps her and she falls flat on her face.)
Mary Sue #2: Oh, Legolas, you’re awfully playful today!
Legolas: (to himself) Great, just what I need – TWO psycho hose beasts. At least it can’t get any worse.
(Just then, right on cue, THREE more girls fall from the sky.)
Mary Sue #3, 4 & 5: LEGOLAS! I’m so glad I’ve found you!
Legolas: Aw, crap!
(They advance, even #1, who has somehow managed to stop crying. Legolas backs away slowly, trying to keep a good distance between himself and them. Then even MORE girls start falling from the sky and some even start popping out from behind the bushes.)
Legolas: It’s raining women! What the hell!
Mary Sues: Legolas, my sweet, you look so distraught.
Mary Sue #18735: Do you need a back rub? (attempts to rub his back)
Legolas: (wigging big time) Get the HELL away from me! All of you! Saruman sent you to spy on us and split us up and seduce us for … whatever! Well, I’m not falling for it!
(Legolas realizes that was a poor choice of words, cuz not only do more girls fall from the sky, but those that are already there seem to take his words like a stab wound to the heart and start sniffling.)
Legolas: Oh, don’t cry! Please!
Mary Sues: (whimpering)
Legolas: This can NOT be good.
Mary Sues: Whatever I did to upset you, I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it. Just … LOVE ME, like you once did!
(Mary Sues run toward him.)
Legolas: (losing all semblance of control) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(He runs at full speed in the opposite direction and soon loses them. But he senses his danger is not over yet and scrambles up the first tree with a flet that he sees. He gets up onto the flet, turns around and sees what appears to be yet ANOTHER Mary Sue.)
Legolas: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Randi: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Legolas & Randi: GET AWAY FROM ME! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!
Randi: No, you stay away from me! I don’t love you already! Just get that through your thick head, you pointy-eared oaf!
Legolas: Point-eared oaf! Dude, there’s no reason to be flinging insults. That was way uncalled for.
Randi: (blinks) … Why are you talking like that? (realizes something) You’re not the Legolas of this world, are you? Which means, you’re not in love with me.
Legolas: You got that right! (realizing the same thing) And, you don’t love me?
Randi: Hell no!
Legolas: (overjoyed) Oh, thank Eru! (hugs her)
Randi: Ugh! Can’t I get a break! Get off me! (shoves him away)
Legolas: Oh, right, sorry. (attempts to compose himself) So, um, where the hell are we anyways?
Randi: We’re in Mary Sue Land, otherwise known as hell.
Legolas: Oh, Valar protect me! It’s worse than I thought! You gotta get me outta here, like pronto!
Randi: Look, pal, I’m still working on getting me outta here. (stops as if listening for something) Get down!
(They get down just as the swarm of Mary Sues go running by below, shaking the tree with the force of their hysterical momentum. Where are the Lorien Elves when you need them?)
Legolas: Whoa, that was a close call. Thanks, dudette! It was much appreciated.
Randi: Like I was really doing it for you. I just managed to get away from those bimbos. Now leave, before they find me again and try to convince me how wonderful you are.
Legolas: You don’t think I’m wonderful?
Randi: No, I don’t. I have a boyfriend already.
Legolas: Dude, I feel sorry for him.
Randi: What is that supposed to mean?!
Legolas: Shh! Quiet!
Randi: You shut up!
Legolas: No, I’m serious, I totally just heard something.
(They go silent. Then they both hear it, a faint sound like sniffing and something scrabbling up the tree toward the flet. Then suddenly, something pops up onto the deck and turns around to face them, and it’s…)
Fan Girl Gollum: Legolas!
Randi: (laughing) Oh, this makes it all worth it.
Fan Girl Gollum: I found him! All the other girls go away, but we found him, we did, my precious! (holds up glossy black and white photo of Legolas) Can we have your autograph?!
Legolas: NO! Get away from me! Help! HEEEEELP!
Mary Sues: (drawn to the sound of his desperate pleas) Legolas! We’ll save you!
Randi: Oh, great! Now they’re coming back! Thanks a lot!
Fan Girl Gollum: Always, they’re searching for the Legolas, but we must not let them have him. He’s OURS! OURS!!!!!
(Legolas has finally reached the end of his endurance and falls to his knees as the first of the Mary Sues swarm the flet and surround him. He has but one choice: begging shamelessly.)
Legolas: Please! Big Kahuna! I did you wrong, I’m sorry! So so so so sorry! Just please! Get me outta here! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
(Just then, another blinding flash and more smoke. The Mary Sues disappear and Legolas is back in Rohan, shaken and looking about frantically.)
Gimli: Dude, where were you?
Legolas: Too… horrible… … Mary Sues… EVERYWHERE! (shudders) Get em off me, man!
Gimli: Aw, snap out of it, will ya?
Aragorn: Yeah, bro, shake it off. We got to catch up with the little dudes.
(Fade to black. PJ comes back on screen.)
PJ: So, that’s Mary Sue Land. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Continued in Part 11
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 9
Thanks a bunch to The Noble Platypus, for letting me borrow Randi from her “Mary Sue MockFest 2003”. For those of you unfamiliar with this fic, just think of Randi as the Anti-Mary Sue. And thanks also to Aurora Moonsong for Fan Girl Gollum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disc One Easter Egg
Instructions for finding Easter Egg:
Buy a portable DVD player with headset plug-in. Insert disc one into player and go to the Select-a-Scene screen. Highlight Chapter 5: The Three Hunters so that the scene plays in the little bubble on top of screen. Now, go for a brisk run lasting three days and three nights, with no food or rest. On the third day, stop and look around. Can you see any sign of your quarry but what bare rock can tell? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Run for another three days, resting only at night, to blend living night and deep dream, in the way of the Elves. We are now at day 7, and you have traveled many hundreds of leagues. Now, hopefully, you remembered to bring your portable DVD player with you. If you failed to do this, you’re a pretty sucky hunter. For those of you who did not fail to do this, hit the left arrow key… riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight NOW! A silhouette of a frantic elf will appear. Highlight the frantic elf and press enter. Sit back and enjoy!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Dawn of the Mary Sues
Intro by PJ: Hello, you have found a hidden treat. Unknown to us at the time, one of our cameramen followed Legolas to Mary Sue Land and recorded the events that took place there, and we discovered that time appears to move rather differently there, so what passed as only a few seconds on the screen was actually quite a bit longer in Mary Sue Land. You should be warned before you go any further: some of the following images are of a graphic and intense nature, and should not be viewed by some people. Viewer discretion is advised.
(Fade to black, then we’re back at the dawn of the red sunrise…)
Legolas: A red sun rises – blah blah blah.
Gimli: Dude, you better say that correctly. You already insulted the Big Kahuna once.
Legolas: Yeah, so? What’s he gonna do? He’s dead – hello!
(Just then, there’s a blinding light and white flash with smoke. Smoke goes away. Legolas finds himself in a perfectly pristine world, with super green grass and super blue skies and super bright sun and butterflies flying daintily amongst the many dazzling wildflowers of elanor and nephredil.)
Legolas: Kay, um, what the frick just happened? Aragorn?! Gimli?! Where are you dudes? This sooo ain’t funny. When I find you bros, I’m gonna kick your butts majorly.
(He walks around and attempts to listen for his buddies, but discovers that it is super quiet.)
Legolas: Bros? … Hello? … Anybody?
(He looks around some more and then notices something even more odd.)
Legolas: Am I back in Lothlorien? How the frick did I get here?
(But before he can properly assess the situation, something extremely weird happens: a girl FALLS out of the sky into Middle Earth and lands with an unceremonious thud right in front of Legolas.)
Legolas: Ohmigod! Are you alright?!
(The girl stands up, not harmed in the slightest, and Legolas discovers she is an impossibly beautiful girl with perfectly flowing hair. She smiles an incredibly dazzling smile. Legolas smiles back and is even considering hitting on her, until…)
Mary Sue #1: Legolas! You found me!
Legolas: Well, duh – you frickin fell outta the sky. Kinda hard for a bro to miss that. But, um, how did you know my name? Have you been following us? Are you a spy?!
Mary Sue #1: Why ever do you speak to me in this manner? Have I done something to displease you?
Legolas: (slightly confused) Um, no.
Mary Sue #1: Then we will go now? I know you have problems with your father, but I am sure he will accept me.
Legolas: My father? Dude, what are you talkin’ about?
Mary Sue #1: You were going to take me to meet him.
Legolas: (confused beyond comprehension) Why the frick would I do that? I don’t even know you, hello!
Mary Sue #1: You don’t remember me? Your captivity must have been brutal indeed. (starts crying) Oh, darn you orcs for stealing his memories!
Legolas: Are you sure you didn’t land on your noggin or something? You’re acting way mental.
Mary Sue #1: I will heal you, my darling, and you will remember me, for our love is ETERNAL!
Legolas: LOVE?!? I soooo don’t think so! (suddenly realizing something) You’re one of those psychotic fan girls, aren’t you? I’ve heard about you babes! You go to conventions all dressed up like Elves or whatever, and take pictures next to cardboard cutouts of the Dudeship members. That’s just sick and wrong. Leave me alone!
Mary Sue #1: (crying even harder) One day, you will remember! I promise you that!
(Legolas backs up slowly and is considering making a break for it, when suddenly, another impossibly beautiful girl with perfectly flowing hair falls out of the sky. And this one has a sword!)
Legolas: What the - ?! It’s like epidemic!
Mary Sue #2: Legolas! I found you! I was so worried the orcs had hurt you. Are you well, my love? I slaughtered many on my way, but we aren’t safe yet. We must make for Caras Galadhon at all haste.
Legolas: (starting to wig out) I’m your what?! Dude, you got the wrong elf, babe. I am not, nor have I ever been, captured by orcs. … Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I got a cross-country race I gotta get back to.
Mary Sue #2: Oh, you kidder, you! And so brave, for trying to forget it. Oh, I was so frightened I might never see you again. I have longed for this moment over the many cold, bitter months without your loving embrace. Hold me in your arms, never let me go!
(Tosses sword aside and attempts to fling herself into Legolas’s arms, but he’s much too quick for her. He sidesteps her and she falls flat on her face.)
Mary Sue #2: Oh, Legolas, you’re awfully playful today!
Legolas: (to himself) Great, just what I need – TWO psycho hose beasts. At least it can’t get any worse.
(Just then, right on cue, THREE more girls fall from the sky.)
Mary Sue #3, 4 & 5: LEGOLAS! I’m so glad I’ve found you!
Legolas: Aw, crap!
(They advance, even #1, who has somehow managed to stop crying. Legolas backs away slowly, trying to keep a good distance between himself and them. Then even MORE girls start falling from the sky and some even start popping out from behind the bushes.)
Legolas: It’s raining women! What the hell!
Mary Sues: Legolas, my sweet, you look so distraught.
Mary Sue #18735: Do you need a back rub? (attempts to rub his back)
Legolas: (wigging big time) Get the HELL away from me! All of you! Saruman sent you to spy on us and split us up and seduce us for … whatever! Well, I’m not falling for it!
(Legolas realizes that was a poor choice of words, cuz not only do more girls fall from the sky, but those that are already there seem to take his words like a stab wound to the heart and start sniffling.)
Legolas: Oh, don’t cry! Please!
Mary Sues: (whimpering)
Legolas: This can NOT be good.
Mary Sues: Whatever I did to upset you, I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it. Just … LOVE ME, like you once did!
(Mary Sues run toward him.)
Legolas: (losing all semblance of control) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(He runs at full speed in the opposite direction and soon loses them. But he senses his danger is not over yet and scrambles up the first tree with a flet that he sees. He gets up onto the flet, turns around and sees what appears to be yet ANOTHER Mary Sue.)
Legolas: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Randi: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Legolas & Randi: GET AWAY FROM ME! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!
Randi: No, you stay away from me! I don’t love you already! Just get that through your thick head, you pointy-eared oaf!
Legolas: Point-eared oaf! Dude, there’s no reason to be flinging insults. That was way uncalled for.
Randi: (blinks) … Why are you talking like that? (realizes something) You’re not the Legolas of this world, are you? Which means, you’re not in love with me.
Legolas: You got that right! (realizing the same thing) And, you don’t love me?
Randi: Hell no!
Legolas: (overjoyed) Oh, thank Eru! (hugs her)
Randi: Ugh! Can’t I get a break! Get off me! (shoves him away)
Legolas: Oh, right, sorry. (attempts to compose himself) So, um, where the hell are we anyways?
Randi: We’re in Mary Sue Land, otherwise known as hell.
Legolas: Oh, Valar protect me! It’s worse than I thought! You gotta get me outta here, like pronto!
Randi: Look, pal, I’m still working on getting me outta here. (stops as if listening for something) Get down!
(They get down just as the swarm of Mary Sues go running by below, shaking the tree with the force of their hysterical momentum. Where are the Lorien Elves when you need them?)
Legolas: Whoa, that was a close call. Thanks, dudette! It was much appreciated.
Randi: Like I was really doing it for you. I just managed to get away from those bimbos. Now leave, before they find me again and try to convince me how wonderful you are.
Legolas: You don’t think I’m wonderful?
Randi: No, I don’t. I have a boyfriend already.
Legolas: Dude, I feel sorry for him.
Randi: What is that supposed to mean?!
Legolas: Shh! Quiet!
Randi: You shut up!
Legolas: No, I’m serious, I totally just heard something.
(They go silent. Then they both hear it, a faint sound like sniffing and something scrabbling up the tree toward the flet. Then suddenly, something pops up onto the deck and turns around to face them, and it’s…)
Fan Girl Gollum: Legolas!
Randi: (laughing) Oh, this makes it all worth it.
Fan Girl Gollum: I found him! All the other girls go away, but we found him, we did, my precious! (holds up glossy black and white photo of Legolas) Can we have your autograph?!
Legolas: NO! Get away from me! Help! HEEEEELP!
Mary Sues: (drawn to the sound of his desperate pleas) Legolas! We’ll save you!
Randi: Oh, great! Now they’re coming back! Thanks a lot!
Fan Girl Gollum: Always, they’re searching for the Legolas, but we must not let them have him. He’s OURS! OURS!!!!!
(Legolas has finally reached the end of his endurance and falls to his knees as the first of the Mary Sues swarm the flet and surround him. He has but one choice: begging shamelessly.)
Legolas: Please! Big Kahuna! I did you wrong, I’m sorry! So so so so sorry! Just please! Get me outta here! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!
(Just then, another blinding flash and more smoke. The Mary Sues disappear and Legolas is back in Rohan, shaken and looking about frantically.)
Gimli: Dude, where were you?
Legolas: Too… horrible… … Mary Sues… EVERYWHERE! (shudders) Get em off me, man!
Gimli: Aw, snap out of it, will ya?
Aragorn: Yeah, bro, shake it off. We got to catch up with the little dudes.
(Fade to black. PJ comes back on screen.)
PJ: So, that’s Mary Sue Land. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Continued in Part 11
