The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 04:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 8
Thanks to Daughter of Olorin for South Park Gollum and Wrestler Gollum, and to Tancred for Dirty Harry Gollum.
Chapter 28: The Forest of Ithilien
(So anyways, we haven’t checked in on Frodo and Sam for awhile. Let’s see what they’re up to! Currently, Gollum is playing Slip N Slide in a river going after a fish, which he inevitably never catches. Aw! How cute! Not. Frodo and Sam are walking along. It’s Frodo’s turn to play karaoke.)
Frodo: (singing)
We never die
Just go through hell and regroup again…
Sam: Dude, you think maybe you could sing something a little less depressing?
Frodo: Kay. (picks a new song)
And I think I’m going out of my head
Yes, I think I’m going out of my head
Over yoooouuuuu. Over yoooouuuu…
Sam: Ok, that’s good. Now, let’s try something more upbeat, shall we?
Frodo: Upbeat?
Sam: Yeah, you know, something you can jam to.
Frodo: Kay. (picks a new song)
I’m trying to forget that I’m addicted to you
But I want it and I need it, I’m addicted to you…
Sam: Well, that is more upbeat, but I’m starting to sense a pattern here. (suddenly notices Gollum playing up the river) Hey! Stink butt! Stay where we can nab ya!
Frodo: Sam!
Sam: What?
Frodo: Is it really necessary to call him names, bro?
Sam: Well, you won’t let me kill him, so yeah, it is.
Frodo: Why do you want to kill him so bad? What’d he ever do to you?
Sam: He BIT me! Hello!
Frodo: Oh, yeah, huh. … Well, get over it already. I want to help him bro.
Sam: To do what?
Frodo: To reintegrate him into society. He could be way productive.
Sam: Yeah? As what? A taxi driver? Or a postman? Oh! I know! A psycho freak! There you go. He could do that. He’s so psycho he redefines the concept. Face it bro, there’s no helping that wacko.
Frodo: Shut up! There is too! What would you know about it anyway, huh? Who have you ever helped?
Sam: You.
Frodo: Really? Would that have been when I didn’t get stabbed on Weathertop? Or when I didn’t get kabobbed by a cave troll? Or when I didn’t almost drown?
Sam: Dude, that was way harsh bro. And soooo way off! And why the frick are we fighting?!
Frodo: I don’t know! … You’re right, bro, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fight. I don’t know what’s my prob lately.
Sam: I do. It’s that stupid ugly ring of yours. You’re practically drooling over it. Yeah, I know, I’ve seen you drool, don’t give me that look. You’re not eating, you’re hardly sleeping.
Frodo: Dude, do you like got 24-hour surveillance on me or something?
Sam: Maybe.
Frodo: What?!
Sam: Well, someone’s gotta make sure you don’t get throttled in your sleep.
Frodo: Dude, you just said I never sleep!
Sam: No, I said you hardly sleep.
Frodo: Look, bro, I CAN take care of myself you know. I’m not completely helpless. … And the Ring is NOT ugly! It’s mine! My Pretty! My Precious Dude! (stalks off)
Sam: Dude, you’re cracking, bro!
Chapter 29: Gollum and Smeagol
(That night. Frodo and Sam are sleeping. Frodo’s clutching onto the Ring for dear life. Yeah, like it’s really going to go anywhere. Hello! It’s hanging from a CHAIN. What’s it going to do? Walk away? Gollum’s keeping watch, or would be if he wasn’t too busy talking to himself…selves.)
Gollum: ‘We wants it and we needs it! Addicted to you!’ We likes that song! And we do wants it. Must have the Pretty!
Hood Gollum: They lifted it from us dawg. Then they dissed and dismissed us, cold. The thugs. Time to bring it.
Hippy Gollum: It’s a conspiracy, man. The wicked hobbitses puts transmitters in our head to follow us. The mean nasty one said so!
Bato Gollum: Mentirosos.
Smeagol: No! Not Master Dude.
Dude Gollum: Yes, pretty. Big fat frickin liars, the both of them.
Bato Gollum: They’re messing with your cabeza, ese.
Smeagol: Master Dude’s my friend.
Hood Gollum: When are you goin’ to wake up, son! You ain’t got no friends! Who likes you? Huh? Who? I’ll tell you who – NOBODY!
Smeagol: Not listening. Not listening.
Hood Gollum: Aw, look, he tryin’ to shut us out.
Dude Gollum: Dude, like, you’re the liar, man. You’re the one who pinched the Pretty in the first place.
Smeagol: Naw-huh!
Gollum: Murderer!
South Park Gollum: Ohmigod! He killed Kenny!
Smeagol: I did not! Go away!
Dude Gollum: No way, bro. YOU go away. Pronto like.
Wrestler Gollum: No, let him stay. We’ll rip him apart to itty bitty pieces! AARRGGG! There won’t be anything left when we’re through with him! We’re taking you down to Chinatown!
Dirty Harry Gollum: I know what you're thinking. Do you have 30 personalities, or only 20? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as there are a ton of us, all stronger and more psychotic than you, you've got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk? Go ahead! Make our day!
Smeagol: I hate you. All of you!
Bad Poet Gollum: Our heart you break with jagged knives in the breeze.
Dude Gollum: Not.
Hood Gollum: Face it, homie, you’d be wearing pinstripes by now if it weren’t for us. We the ones got game. What you got? Nuttin, fool.
Smeagol: Not anymore.
Dude Gollum: Ah, you care to run that by us again, bro?
Smeagol: Not anymore! Master Dude takes care of us now. We don’t be needing none of you.
All the Gollums: Wha-?!
Smeagol: Leave now and never come back.
Dude Gollum: Yeah, right! As if!
Smeagol: Total if! Leave! Scram! Get outta here! Ya vete! Get back to where you once belonged, man!
Dude Gollum: Geez, bro, chill why don’t ya?
Smeagol: LEAVE. NOW. AND NEVER. COME. BACK!!!
(Looks around. Hears nothing. Then…)
Dude Gollum: Um, like, which one of us did you want to leave?
Smeagol: ALL OF YOU!
Tour Guide Gollum: But, I’m the guide.
Smeagol: GO!
Bato Gollum: Right now right now? Or later later?
Smeagol: NOW! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
(Looks around. Hears nothing. Waits a little bit longer. Still hears nothing.)
Smeagol: They left! We told them to go away leave and they go gone away! We so rule pretty precious! (starts dancing around like a maniacal psycho freak) Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is FREE!
Chapter 30: Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbits
(Next morning. Frodo’s still sleeping, only now he’s leaning against a rock. Ok, so, what was all the gibberish about Frodo never sleeping? He does nothing but sleep. Smeagol comes running up and plops a couple of dead rabbits in Frodo’s lap. Gee, now that’s how everyone should get woken up in the morning.)
Smeagol: Lookie what I got! (laughs like a maniacal psycho freak and picks up a rabbit) Tastes like chicken.
Sam: For reals? Awesome! Now I can use the salt!
Smeagol: Eat them! Here! Have some! Like this.
(He starts ripping into the rabbit with his teeth, while Frodo tries not to heave.)
Sam: Dude, you think this is Fear Factor or something, you wacko? Give me those. (takes rabbits away) You’re gonna make him hurl.
Frodo: Totally.
Sam: There’s only one way to serve up this grub.
(Little while later. Sam’s cooking some rabbit stew, much to Smeagol’s displeasure.)
Frodo: Ok, NOW I’m drooling. That smells awesome bro.
Smeagol: What are you whatcha think you’re doing? Stupid, fat hobbit!
Sam: HEY! I have a thyroid problem, kay! Back off!
(Frodo leaves and pretends to be getting another pan while Smeagol and Sam keep fighting. Then he hears a suspiciously sounding man-made birdcall and goes to investigate. Meanwhile…)
Sam: What we need are some of those little tatter tots, the wavy kind. I LOVE those!
Smeagol: Tater tots? Papitas like the hash brown without the hash in em?
Sam: Yeah, something like that. Is it just my imagination or have you actually gotten weirder?
Smeagol: I don’t know we don’t know whatcha talking bout what you mean you trying to say something?
Sam: Riiiight. Okay then. (goes back to stirring the stew) You know what else goes good with tater tots? Fish sticks. Now that’s a meal!
Smeagol: Fish as sticks sticks of fish not right wrong should wiggle and raw with the yum!
Sam: Kay.
Smeagol: With Chianti. Fava beans and Chianti nice and raw.
Sam: Look, bro, you’re really starting to wig me out now. What are you getting on? You got too many voices crammed into that whacked up head of yours. We were talking about fish and chips.
Smeagol: Yck!
Sam: You’re nuts! You hear this, bro? (turns around and notices that Frodo’s gone) Um, Mr. Frodo? Dude, am I gonna have to put a leash on you already? And you wonder why you’re always getting’ stabbed! (goes off to look for him)
(Frodo’s still checking out the suspiciously sounding man-made birdcalls. Sam and Smeagol come up behind him and he spies some more soldiers moseying along. They lie down and watch them.)
Sam: Who are they?
Smeagol: Evil men.
Sam: Gee, ya think? I meant, where’d they come from? Those ain’t no drag queens.
Smeagol: Servants of Sauron Dark Evil Lord Dude Eye Man in the Tower. All armies go to him. He’ll be ready soon.
Sam: For what?
Smeagol: To fight the war the big battle final showdown to end em all once and for all two armies enter only one leaves.
Frodo: You know what – that made sense. Should I be worried that made sense?
Sam: I guess I should be worried then too. Think I could kill him now?
Frodo: Dude!
Sam: Just checkin’.
Frodo: Whatever, bro. Look, let’s just get outta here already.
(He gets up to leave but Sam stops him.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, check it, bro! Oliphaunts! Awesome! Dude, they’re huge! Nobody back home’s gonna believe this one. Course, they won’t believe anything else we tell em either.
(Smeagol slinks away. Frodo notices he’s missing.)
Frodo: Smeagol? Skinny Dude? Where’d you get off to?
(Suddenly, outta nowhere, arrows start flying and the soldiers start keeling over like flies. The oliphaunts go on a rampage and a soldier falls dead just behind Frodo and Sam.)
Frodo: Yep, it’s definitely time to scram. Come on bro.
(He gets up to leave, but just then Robin Hood and his Merry Men come outta nowhere. Oh, no wait, that’s Faramir. And his men – not so merry. They start manhandling Frodo.)
Sam: Oh, no you didn’t!
(Sam attempts to fight them but fails miserably. They’re both help captive.)
Sam: Dude, what the frick? We’re just, um, picnicking. Yeah, that’s right. We’re picnicking. You got a problem with that?
Faramir: Picnicking? Here? Yeah right, as if! I sooo don’t think so! Only bros round these parts work for the Big Bad Dark Dude.
Frodo: Dude, you work for the Big Bad Dark Dude?
Faramir: No.
Frodo: That’s what you just said!
Faramir: No I didn’t.
Frodo: Yes you did.
Faramir: Who are you again?
Frodo: No one. We’re just moseying along, doing nothing, on a secret mission, but we’re not allowed to tell you about that, on account it’s a secret and all. Just let us go, kay? We don’t roll with the Enemy.
Faramir: The enemy as in The Enemy, or the enemy as in us?
Frodo: Huh?
Faramir: (ignores him and kicks the dead soldier over) His enemy? You wonder what his name is, probly some unpronounceable mumbo jumbo. Where he came from and if he really is evil anyways. What lies or threats brought him so far from his pad and honey. Now, who’d really want to leave that behind, you know?
Frodo: Um, not really.
Sam: Kay, can I just say something? How come all my good stuff’s being ripped from me? First you get to see my vision in the Lady Dude’s mirror, now Robin here just filched my thoughts. What’s up with that?
Frodo: Dude, I didn’t steal your vision.
Sam: Yes you did. I was supposed to see the destruction of the Shire, you were supposed to see the history of the Ring. But you just had to hog the whole scene, didn’t you!
Frodo: No I didn’t.
Sam: You did too!
Frodo: Naw-huh!
Sam: 24-hour surveillance – hello!
Frodo: Kay, bro, where’s the camera? I’m serious. And where the frick you did you get it from anyway?
Sam: It’s on the chain, so don’t even think about getting rid of it. And I got it from Arwen.
Frodo: Arwen?
Sam: Yeah. She’s got all kinds of crap like that. She’s even got one on the Ranger Dude.
Frodo: On the Ranger Dude? For reals? Does he know?
Sam: I don’t think so.
Faramir: Excuse me! Hello! Focus, will ya? Do you think we could possibly just maybe get back on topic here?
Frodo: Oh! Right, sorry.
Faramir: Good. Now – bind their hands.
Frodo & Sam: Wait! What?!
Frodo: But, you’re not supposed to be into bondage.
Sam: Dude, I think we’re in serious trouble.
Continued in Part 10
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 8
Thanks to Daughter of Olorin for South Park Gollum and Wrestler Gollum, and to Tancred for Dirty Harry Gollum.
Chapter 28: The Forest of Ithilien
(So anyways, we haven’t checked in on Frodo and Sam for awhile. Let’s see what they’re up to! Currently, Gollum is playing Slip N Slide in a river going after a fish, which he inevitably never catches. Aw! How cute! Not. Frodo and Sam are walking along. It’s Frodo’s turn to play karaoke.)
Frodo: (singing)
We never die
Just go through hell and regroup again…
Sam: Dude, you think maybe you could sing something a little less depressing?
Frodo: Kay. (picks a new song)
And I think I’m going out of my head
Yes, I think I’m going out of my head
Over yoooouuuuu. Over yoooouuuu…
Sam: Ok, that’s good. Now, let’s try something more upbeat, shall we?
Frodo: Upbeat?
Sam: Yeah, you know, something you can jam to.
Frodo: Kay. (picks a new song)
I’m trying to forget that I’m addicted to you
But I want it and I need it, I’m addicted to you…
Sam: Well, that is more upbeat, but I’m starting to sense a pattern here. (suddenly notices Gollum playing up the river) Hey! Stink butt! Stay where we can nab ya!
Frodo: Sam!
Sam: What?
Frodo: Is it really necessary to call him names, bro?
Sam: Well, you won’t let me kill him, so yeah, it is.
Frodo: Why do you want to kill him so bad? What’d he ever do to you?
Sam: He BIT me! Hello!
Frodo: Oh, yeah, huh. … Well, get over it already. I want to help him bro.
Sam: To do what?
Frodo: To reintegrate him into society. He could be way productive.
Sam: Yeah? As what? A taxi driver? Or a postman? Oh! I know! A psycho freak! There you go. He could do that. He’s so psycho he redefines the concept. Face it bro, there’s no helping that wacko.
Frodo: Shut up! There is too! What would you know about it anyway, huh? Who have you ever helped?
Sam: You.
Frodo: Really? Would that have been when I didn’t get stabbed on Weathertop? Or when I didn’t get kabobbed by a cave troll? Or when I didn’t almost drown?
Sam: Dude, that was way harsh bro. And soooo way off! And why the frick are we fighting?!
Frodo: I don’t know! … You’re right, bro, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fight. I don’t know what’s my prob lately.
Sam: I do. It’s that stupid ugly ring of yours. You’re practically drooling over it. Yeah, I know, I’ve seen you drool, don’t give me that look. You’re not eating, you’re hardly sleeping.
Frodo: Dude, do you like got 24-hour surveillance on me or something?
Sam: Maybe.
Frodo: What?!
Sam: Well, someone’s gotta make sure you don’t get throttled in your sleep.
Frodo: Dude, you just said I never sleep!
Sam: No, I said you hardly sleep.
Frodo: Look, bro, I CAN take care of myself you know. I’m not completely helpless. … And the Ring is NOT ugly! It’s mine! My Pretty! My Precious Dude! (stalks off)
Sam: Dude, you’re cracking, bro!
Chapter 29: Gollum and Smeagol
(That night. Frodo and Sam are sleeping. Frodo’s clutching onto the Ring for dear life. Yeah, like it’s really going to go anywhere. Hello! It’s hanging from a CHAIN. What’s it going to do? Walk away? Gollum’s keeping watch, or would be if he wasn’t too busy talking to himself…selves.)
Gollum: ‘We wants it and we needs it! Addicted to you!’ We likes that song! And we do wants it. Must have the Pretty!
Hood Gollum: They lifted it from us dawg. Then they dissed and dismissed us, cold. The thugs. Time to bring it.
Hippy Gollum: It’s a conspiracy, man. The wicked hobbitses puts transmitters in our head to follow us. The mean nasty one said so!
Bato Gollum: Mentirosos.
Smeagol: No! Not Master Dude.
Dude Gollum: Yes, pretty. Big fat frickin liars, the both of them.
Bato Gollum: They’re messing with your cabeza, ese.
Smeagol: Master Dude’s my friend.
Hood Gollum: When are you goin’ to wake up, son! You ain’t got no friends! Who likes you? Huh? Who? I’ll tell you who – NOBODY!
Smeagol: Not listening. Not listening.
Hood Gollum: Aw, look, he tryin’ to shut us out.
Dude Gollum: Dude, like, you’re the liar, man. You’re the one who pinched the Pretty in the first place.
Smeagol: Naw-huh!
Gollum: Murderer!
South Park Gollum: Ohmigod! He killed Kenny!
Smeagol: I did not! Go away!
Dude Gollum: No way, bro. YOU go away. Pronto like.
Wrestler Gollum: No, let him stay. We’ll rip him apart to itty bitty pieces! AARRGGG! There won’t be anything left when we’re through with him! We’re taking you down to Chinatown!
Dirty Harry Gollum: I know what you're thinking. Do you have 30 personalities, or only 20? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as there are a ton of us, all stronger and more psychotic than you, you've got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk? Go ahead! Make our day!
Smeagol: I hate you. All of you!
Bad Poet Gollum: Our heart you break with jagged knives in the breeze.
Dude Gollum: Not.
Hood Gollum: Face it, homie, you’d be wearing pinstripes by now if it weren’t for us. We the ones got game. What you got? Nuttin, fool.
Smeagol: Not anymore.
Dude Gollum: Ah, you care to run that by us again, bro?
Smeagol: Not anymore! Master Dude takes care of us now. We don’t be needing none of you.
All the Gollums: Wha-?!
Smeagol: Leave now and never come back.
Dude Gollum: Yeah, right! As if!
Smeagol: Total if! Leave! Scram! Get outta here! Ya vete! Get back to where you once belonged, man!
Dude Gollum: Geez, bro, chill why don’t ya?
Smeagol: LEAVE. NOW. AND NEVER. COME. BACK!!!
(Looks around. Hears nothing. Then…)
Dude Gollum: Um, like, which one of us did you want to leave?
Smeagol: ALL OF YOU!
Tour Guide Gollum: But, I’m the guide.
Smeagol: GO!
Bato Gollum: Right now right now? Or later later?
Smeagol: NOW! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
(Looks around. Hears nothing. Waits a little bit longer. Still hears nothing.)
Smeagol: They left! We told them to go away leave and they go gone away! We so rule pretty precious! (starts dancing around like a maniacal psycho freak) Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is FREE!
Chapter 30: Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbits
(Next morning. Frodo’s still sleeping, only now he’s leaning against a rock. Ok, so, what was all the gibberish about Frodo never sleeping? He does nothing but sleep. Smeagol comes running up and plops a couple of dead rabbits in Frodo’s lap. Gee, now that’s how everyone should get woken up in the morning.)
Smeagol: Lookie what I got! (laughs like a maniacal psycho freak and picks up a rabbit) Tastes like chicken.
Sam: For reals? Awesome! Now I can use the salt!
Smeagol: Eat them! Here! Have some! Like this.
(He starts ripping into the rabbit with his teeth, while Frodo tries not to heave.)
Sam: Dude, you think this is Fear Factor or something, you wacko? Give me those. (takes rabbits away) You’re gonna make him hurl.
Frodo: Totally.
Sam: There’s only one way to serve up this grub.
(Little while later. Sam’s cooking some rabbit stew, much to Smeagol’s displeasure.)
Frodo: Ok, NOW I’m drooling. That smells awesome bro.
Smeagol: What are you whatcha think you’re doing? Stupid, fat hobbit!
Sam: HEY! I have a thyroid problem, kay! Back off!
(Frodo leaves and pretends to be getting another pan while Smeagol and Sam keep fighting. Then he hears a suspiciously sounding man-made birdcall and goes to investigate. Meanwhile…)
Sam: What we need are some of those little tatter tots, the wavy kind. I LOVE those!
Smeagol: Tater tots? Papitas like the hash brown without the hash in em?
Sam: Yeah, something like that. Is it just my imagination or have you actually gotten weirder?
Smeagol: I don’t know we don’t know whatcha talking bout what you mean you trying to say something?
Sam: Riiiight. Okay then. (goes back to stirring the stew) You know what else goes good with tater tots? Fish sticks. Now that’s a meal!
Smeagol: Fish as sticks sticks of fish not right wrong should wiggle and raw with the yum!
Sam: Kay.
Smeagol: With Chianti. Fava beans and Chianti nice and raw.
Sam: Look, bro, you’re really starting to wig me out now. What are you getting on? You got too many voices crammed into that whacked up head of yours. We were talking about fish and chips.
Smeagol: Yck!
Sam: You’re nuts! You hear this, bro? (turns around and notices that Frodo’s gone) Um, Mr. Frodo? Dude, am I gonna have to put a leash on you already? And you wonder why you’re always getting’ stabbed! (goes off to look for him)
(Frodo’s still checking out the suspiciously sounding man-made birdcalls. Sam and Smeagol come up behind him and he spies some more soldiers moseying along. They lie down and watch them.)
Sam: Who are they?
Smeagol: Evil men.
Sam: Gee, ya think? I meant, where’d they come from? Those ain’t no drag queens.
Smeagol: Servants of Sauron Dark Evil Lord Dude Eye Man in the Tower. All armies go to him. He’ll be ready soon.
Sam: For what?
Smeagol: To fight the war the big battle final showdown to end em all once and for all two armies enter only one leaves.
Frodo: You know what – that made sense. Should I be worried that made sense?
Sam: I guess I should be worried then too. Think I could kill him now?
Frodo: Dude!
Sam: Just checkin’.
Frodo: Whatever, bro. Look, let’s just get outta here already.
(He gets up to leave but Sam stops him.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, check it, bro! Oliphaunts! Awesome! Dude, they’re huge! Nobody back home’s gonna believe this one. Course, they won’t believe anything else we tell em either.
(Smeagol slinks away. Frodo notices he’s missing.)
Frodo: Smeagol? Skinny Dude? Where’d you get off to?
(Suddenly, outta nowhere, arrows start flying and the soldiers start keeling over like flies. The oliphaunts go on a rampage and a soldier falls dead just behind Frodo and Sam.)
Frodo: Yep, it’s definitely time to scram. Come on bro.
(He gets up to leave, but just then Robin Hood and his Merry Men come outta nowhere. Oh, no wait, that’s Faramir. And his men – not so merry. They start manhandling Frodo.)
Sam: Oh, no you didn’t!
(Sam attempts to fight them but fails miserably. They’re both help captive.)
Sam: Dude, what the frick? We’re just, um, picnicking. Yeah, that’s right. We’re picnicking. You got a problem with that?
Faramir: Picnicking? Here? Yeah right, as if! I sooo don’t think so! Only bros round these parts work for the Big Bad Dark Dude.
Frodo: Dude, you work for the Big Bad Dark Dude?
Faramir: No.
Frodo: That’s what you just said!
Faramir: No I didn’t.
Frodo: Yes you did.
Faramir: Who are you again?
Frodo: No one. We’re just moseying along, doing nothing, on a secret mission, but we’re not allowed to tell you about that, on account it’s a secret and all. Just let us go, kay? We don’t roll with the Enemy.
Faramir: The enemy as in The Enemy, or the enemy as in us?
Frodo: Huh?
Faramir: (ignores him and kicks the dead soldier over) His enemy? You wonder what his name is, probly some unpronounceable mumbo jumbo. Where he came from and if he really is evil anyways. What lies or threats brought him so far from his pad and honey. Now, who’d really want to leave that behind, you know?
Frodo: Um, not really.
Sam: Kay, can I just say something? How come all my good stuff’s being ripped from me? First you get to see my vision in the Lady Dude’s mirror, now Robin here just filched my thoughts. What’s up with that?
Frodo: Dude, I didn’t steal your vision.
Sam: Yes you did. I was supposed to see the destruction of the Shire, you were supposed to see the history of the Ring. But you just had to hog the whole scene, didn’t you!
Frodo: No I didn’t.
Sam: You did too!
Frodo: Naw-huh!
Sam: 24-hour surveillance – hello!
Frodo: Kay, bro, where’s the camera? I’m serious. And where the frick you did you get it from anyway?
Sam: It’s on the chain, so don’t even think about getting rid of it. And I got it from Arwen.
Frodo: Arwen?
Sam: Yeah. She’s got all kinds of crap like that. She’s even got one on the Ranger Dude.
Frodo: On the Ranger Dude? For reals? Does he know?
Sam: I don’t think so.
Faramir: Excuse me! Hello! Focus, will ya? Do you think we could possibly just maybe get back on topic here?
Frodo: Oh! Right, sorry.
Faramir: Good. Now – bind their hands.
Frodo & Sam: Wait! What?!
Frodo: But, you’re not supposed to be into bondage.
Sam: Dude, I think we’re in serious trouble.
Continued in Part 10
