The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 04:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 7
Chapter 23: The King’s Decision
(Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl are eating some soup.)
Eowyn: They had no warning or weapons. Now the Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes are running around all willy-nilly, burning and maiming, talking gibberish about Barbara Streisand. Rick, cot and tree.
Aragorn: Rick Cottontree?! Dude, that little twerp owes me money. He better not be dead!
(Everyone just stares at him for awhile.)
Annoying Peasant Girl: Where’s Mama?
Eowyn: Do I look like I know?
Gandalf: Anyways… (to Theoden) This is just the beginning, bro. Sharkey’s got loads more up his sleeves, and he’s got some honking enormous sleeves. You gotta take the upper hand, with an iron grip. Ride out and meet him. Show him who’s boss of the Riddermark!
Theoden: Dude, you think you might want to get your hand off my chair?
Gandalf: Why, does it bug ya?
Aragorn: You got a whole grip of men riding north with Éomer right now. Yeah, that’s mostly cuz you banished him and threatened to kill him, but he’ll fight for ya. Call him up.
Theoden: (getting up) I know what you want me to do, man, and forget it! It ain’t gonna happen. I’m way out of shape from being the Crypt Keeper for so long. We’ll get pulverized for sure. I can’t risk it.
Aragorn: Man, you’ll get pulverized whether you risk it or not. … No, wait, that came out wrong.
Theoden: Look, Wanna-Be Dude, I want to hear a little less talking from you right now, kay? Is that kewl?
Aragorn: Whatever, dude, just trying to help, geez. Keep your pantyhose on.
Gandalf: So, then, Lord Dude, watcha gonna do?
Aragorn, Legolas & Gimli: (singing)
Watcha gonna do?
Watcha gonna do when the come for you?
Bad boys, bad boys…
(They stop when they notice everyone glaring at them.)
Theoden: We’ll go to Helm’s Deep.
Gimli: Helm’s Deep? But isn’t that - ?
(Gets cut short by Aragorn kicking him under table.)
(Outside. The peasants are finally moving and they are not happy about it.)
Hama: By order of the Dude, we’re to mosey to Helm’s Deep pronto! Take only the most essential essentials. We’ll pilfer the rest when you’re gone!
(Gandalf & Company go walking by and into the barn to Shadowfax’s stall.)
Gimli: Helm’s Deep! Well, they’ll definitely get creamed for sure for sure if they go there.
Aragorn: Yeah, they’re kinda screwed big time, aren’t they Wiz Dude?
Gandalf: Yep, Helm’s Deep is Trapsville. But they’ve put on some good battles there before, so who knows, maybe it won’t be a complete humiliation.
Aragorn: Yeah, but um, we’re leaving right? We ain’t staying? I mean, that’s something I can live without seeing.
Gandalf: Well, I’m leaving; you’re staying. You gotta help the Dude. He’s strong and got tons of mileage in his younger days, but he’s still drained from all that elevator music. He’ll need you if he’s to pull through.
Aragorn: But, why me?
Gandalf: Oh, look who doesn’t want to sacrifice himself now! Not so tough, are you? Really, bro, what would your babe think?
Aragorn: I’m tough! Butch and all that good crap! Look! Look at my stubble, that’s manly stubble, man.
Gandalf: 300 lifetimes of dudes, and I get waylaid at the last second by a rant. Get over yourself already! (gets onto Shadowfax) I’ll be back before you have to go Rambo all over the place. Look for me, on the morning of the fourth day.
Aragorn: The fourth day?
Gandalf: Yes, the fourth.
Aragorn: Not the fifth?
Gandalf: No, the fourth.
Aragorn: You sure? Absolutely completely?
Gandalf: YES! Geez! Paranoid much. Now move it, or it will be five days!
(Gandalf goes bolting out of the barn.)
Legolas: The fourth?
Aragorn: You heard the dude.
Chapter 24: Brego
(The Horse Dudes and Eowyn are getting the horses ready for riding, but one horse just ain’t having it and is throwing a massive hissy fit. Aragorn goes to see what’s up.)
Random Horse Dude: Don’t bother, my Dude. That horse is cracked.
Aragorn: (ignoring him and talking to horse) Hathspell! Ælle nog. Hathspell! Fæste, stille nú, fæste, stille nú. Lac is drefed, gefrægon. Hwæt nemnað ðe? I know, horsey-dude, I know. All these blonde haired peeps running around kinda wig me out too. But don’t feel bad; we’re still pretty!
Eowyn: That’s Brego. He was my cousin’s horse.
Aragorn: Brego? Ðin nama is cynglic. Brego, huh? That’s a way righteous name. Man le trasta, Brego? Man cenich? We’re gonna have to get you a dudette, that’ll loosen you up.
Eowyn: You know Elvish? That’s sooo hot. And you’re a Ranger Dude, right? You must get lonely on the road.
Aragorn: (trying to ignore Eowyn’s lovey-dovey gaze) Um, I guess. I mean, it’s ok, it’s not that bad, it’s fine, great even. The road I mean. And the lonely, I like the lonely. … So, yeah, I grew up with the Elves, they taught me all kinds of good stuff.
(Eowyn gets even MORE lovey-dovey as she pretends to pet Brego, and her hand comes dangerously close to Aragorn’s.)
Eowyn: So, is it like, true what they say about Elf Dudes: that if you ask ‘em something, they’ll tell you both yes and no? I’d like to ask you something.
Aragorn: Um, I don’t know. Hey! You know what! I got an idea! Why don’t you turn this horse free? He’s been through enough trauma, don’t you think? … Yeah, let’s do that! (leaves quickly)
Eowyn: (watching him leave) Dude, I’ve got to get him into my life.
Chapter 25: The Ring of Barahir
(Cut to Isengard. Grima goes riding up to Orthanc. Saruman is not pleased to see him.)
Saruman: Gandalf the White? Yeah, right, as if! I’m the White, I mean hello! See my robes: WHITE! What happened to Red? He’s always got to upstage me. Doofus.
Grima: He had three homies rolling with him: an elf, a dwarf and a dude.
Saruman: (sniffing) Are you wearing Man Flesh for Baddies?
Grima: No!!! (backs off and rubs fiercely at his wrists with his handkerchief behind Saruman’s back)
Saruman: The dude? Where’d he hail from?
Grima: The North probly, a Ranger Dude, really homely looking, way skuzzy. But he had a most excellent ring – a coupla serpent heads with some flowers and an emerald. I tried pinching it, but it was no good.
Saruman: No, that is NOT good. (goes through jewelry catalog) Is that it?
Grima: Yep, that’d be it.
Saruman: Not kewl. So NOT KEWL! That’s one of the rings I wanted! And a skuzzy little Ranger Dude has it?! Probly even going round calling himself ‘Isildur’s heir’ or the ‘Lost Dude of Gondor’. Whatever! That line’s totally broken, everyone knows it. Gandalf’s full of it. The Horse Dudes don’t stand a chance against my super orcs.
(Back at Edoras, everyone’s filing out of the city. Theoden’s getting ready for the road, pulling on his TRAVEL GLOVES. What a prude.)
Theoden: Fetch my horse for me, bro. (Gamling starts to leave) And stop moping, will ya? I know what I’m doing. We ain’t over yet. (Gamling leaves) There’s no shame in hiding.
Chapter 26: A Daughter of Kings
(Eowyn’s packing away Theoden’s sword, but then changes her mind and decides to sword play. Or actually, uses it as a microphone as she dances around and sings.)
Eowyn:
How will I know if he really loves me?
I say a prayer with every heartbeat.
I fall in love whenever we meet…
(Spins around and sees Aragorn staring at her.)
Aragorn: Dude, like, that’s a weird way to use a sword. Not that I didn’t like it.
Eowyn: (getting all defensive) Whatever, it’s no big. The dudettes of this country learned forever ago – swords have tons of uses, and I know them all. You don’t scare me.
Aragorn: Really? I don’t? How come? What does scare you then?
Eowyn: Cages. Old folkies in cages – it’s just so wrong on so many levels, you know? What if I end up like that?
Aragorn: Um, I don’t know. I mean, that so totally won’t happen. You’re totally bodacious, a Shield-babe of Rohan, daughter of Dudes and all that good stuff. You’re so meant for bigger and better things.
(He suddenly realizes what he said and goes away quickly. Eowyn just watches him go, drooling and swooning.)
Chapter 27: Exodus from Rohan
(Everyone’s lined up and leaving Rohan. Theoden’s at the front of the line. Cut to Orthanc where Grima and Saruman are scheming.)
Grima: The King won’t stay at Edoras. He knows how sucky the defenses there are. He’ll think we’ll jump him there and thrash the city. He’ll go to Helm’s Deep. But it’s a rocky road, a long and winding road, through the mountains. And they’ll be slow, cuz of all the WOMEN and CHILDREN with em.
Saruman: Oh really? (evil glint in eye)
(Saruman goes down to the caverns where all his baddies are hanging out. You can hear snarling and see shadows of ticked off wargs on the wall. Then the orcs realize Saruman’s there and stop playing shadow puppets.)
Saruman: Kay, bros, time to make good on our promise. Let’s see if they haven’t forgotten it. Send out the wargs! MUAHAHAHA-hack*cough*… Dude, I’m getting too old for that laugh.
Continued in Part 9
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 7
Chapter 23: The King’s Decision
(Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl are eating some soup.)
Eowyn: They had no warning or weapons. Now the Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes are running around all willy-nilly, burning and maiming, talking gibberish about Barbara Streisand. Rick, cot and tree.
Aragorn: Rick Cottontree?! Dude, that little twerp owes me money. He better not be dead!
(Everyone just stares at him for awhile.)
Annoying Peasant Girl: Where’s Mama?
Eowyn: Do I look like I know?
Gandalf: Anyways… (to Theoden) This is just the beginning, bro. Sharkey’s got loads more up his sleeves, and he’s got some honking enormous sleeves. You gotta take the upper hand, with an iron grip. Ride out and meet him. Show him who’s boss of the Riddermark!
Theoden: Dude, you think you might want to get your hand off my chair?
Gandalf: Why, does it bug ya?
Aragorn: You got a whole grip of men riding north with Éomer right now. Yeah, that’s mostly cuz you banished him and threatened to kill him, but he’ll fight for ya. Call him up.
Theoden: (getting up) I know what you want me to do, man, and forget it! It ain’t gonna happen. I’m way out of shape from being the Crypt Keeper for so long. We’ll get pulverized for sure. I can’t risk it.
Aragorn: Man, you’ll get pulverized whether you risk it or not. … No, wait, that came out wrong.
Theoden: Look, Wanna-Be Dude, I want to hear a little less talking from you right now, kay? Is that kewl?
Aragorn: Whatever, dude, just trying to help, geez. Keep your pantyhose on.
Gandalf: So, then, Lord Dude, watcha gonna do?
Aragorn, Legolas & Gimli: (singing)
Watcha gonna do?
Watcha gonna do when the come for you?
Bad boys, bad boys…
(They stop when they notice everyone glaring at them.)
Theoden: We’ll go to Helm’s Deep.
Gimli: Helm’s Deep? But isn’t that - ?
(Gets cut short by Aragorn kicking him under table.)
(Outside. The peasants are finally moving and they are not happy about it.)
Hama: By order of the Dude, we’re to mosey to Helm’s Deep pronto! Take only the most essential essentials. We’ll pilfer the rest when you’re gone!
(Gandalf & Company go walking by and into the barn to Shadowfax’s stall.)
Gimli: Helm’s Deep! Well, they’ll definitely get creamed for sure for sure if they go there.
Aragorn: Yeah, they’re kinda screwed big time, aren’t they Wiz Dude?
Gandalf: Yep, Helm’s Deep is Trapsville. But they’ve put on some good battles there before, so who knows, maybe it won’t be a complete humiliation.
Aragorn: Yeah, but um, we’re leaving right? We ain’t staying? I mean, that’s something I can live without seeing.
Gandalf: Well, I’m leaving; you’re staying. You gotta help the Dude. He’s strong and got tons of mileage in his younger days, but he’s still drained from all that elevator music. He’ll need you if he’s to pull through.
Aragorn: But, why me?
Gandalf: Oh, look who doesn’t want to sacrifice himself now! Not so tough, are you? Really, bro, what would your babe think?
Aragorn: I’m tough! Butch and all that good crap! Look! Look at my stubble, that’s manly stubble, man.
Gandalf: 300 lifetimes of dudes, and I get waylaid at the last second by a rant. Get over yourself already! (gets onto Shadowfax) I’ll be back before you have to go Rambo all over the place. Look for me, on the morning of the fourth day.
Aragorn: The fourth day?
Gandalf: Yes, the fourth.
Aragorn: Not the fifth?
Gandalf: No, the fourth.
Aragorn: You sure? Absolutely completely?
Gandalf: YES! Geez! Paranoid much. Now move it, or it will be five days!
(Gandalf goes bolting out of the barn.)
Legolas: The fourth?
Aragorn: You heard the dude.
Chapter 24: Brego
(The Horse Dudes and Eowyn are getting the horses ready for riding, but one horse just ain’t having it and is throwing a massive hissy fit. Aragorn goes to see what’s up.)
Random Horse Dude: Don’t bother, my Dude. That horse is cracked.
Aragorn: (ignoring him and talking to horse) Hathspell! Ælle nog. Hathspell! Fæste, stille nú, fæste, stille nú. Lac is drefed, gefrægon. Hwæt nemnað ðe? I know, horsey-dude, I know. All these blonde haired peeps running around kinda wig me out too. But don’t feel bad; we’re still pretty!
Eowyn: That’s Brego. He was my cousin’s horse.
Aragorn: Brego? Ðin nama is cynglic. Brego, huh? That’s a way righteous name. Man le trasta, Brego? Man cenich? We’re gonna have to get you a dudette, that’ll loosen you up.
Eowyn: You know Elvish? That’s sooo hot. And you’re a Ranger Dude, right? You must get lonely on the road.
Aragorn: (trying to ignore Eowyn’s lovey-dovey gaze) Um, I guess. I mean, it’s ok, it’s not that bad, it’s fine, great even. The road I mean. And the lonely, I like the lonely. … So, yeah, I grew up with the Elves, they taught me all kinds of good stuff.
(Eowyn gets even MORE lovey-dovey as she pretends to pet Brego, and her hand comes dangerously close to Aragorn’s.)
Eowyn: So, is it like, true what they say about Elf Dudes: that if you ask ‘em something, they’ll tell you both yes and no? I’d like to ask you something.
Aragorn: Um, I don’t know. Hey! You know what! I got an idea! Why don’t you turn this horse free? He’s been through enough trauma, don’t you think? … Yeah, let’s do that! (leaves quickly)
Eowyn: (watching him leave) Dude, I’ve got to get him into my life.
Chapter 25: The Ring of Barahir
(Cut to Isengard. Grima goes riding up to Orthanc. Saruman is not pleased to see him.)
Saruman: Gandalf the White? Yeah, right, as if! I’m the White, I mean hello! See my robes: WHITE! What happened to Red? He’s always got to upstage me. Doofus.
Grima: He had three homies rolling with him: an elf, a dwarf and a dude.
Saruman: (sniffing) Are you wearing Man Flesh for Baddies?
Grima: No!!! (backs off and rubs fiercely at his wrists with his handkerchief behind Saruman’s back)
Saruman: The dude? Where’d he hail from?
Grima: The North probly, a Ranger Dude, really homely looking, way skuzzy. But he had a most excellent ring – a coupla serpent heads with some flowers and an emerald. I tried pinching it, but it was no good.
Saruman: No, that is NOT good. (goes through jewelry catalog) Is that it?
Grima: Yep, that’d be it.
Saruman: Not kewl. So NOT KEWL! That’s one of the rings I wanted! And a skuzzy little Ranger Dude has it?! Probly even going round calling himself ‘Isildur’s heir’ or the ‘Lost Dude of Gondor’. Whatever! That line’s totally broken, everyone knows it. Gandalf’s full of it. The Horse Dudes don’t stand a chance against my super orcs.
(Back at Edoras, everyone’s filing out of the city. Theoden’s getting ready for the road, pulling on his TRAVEL GLOVES. What a prude.)
Theoden: Fetch my horse for me, bro. (Gamling starts to leave) And stop moping, will ya? I know what I’m doing. We ain’t over yet. (Gamling leaves) There’s no shame in hiding.
Chapter 26: A Daughter of Kings
(Eowyn’s packing away Theoden’s sword, but then changes her mind and decides to sword play. Or actually, uses it as a microphone as she dances around and sings.)
Eowyn:
How will I know if he really loves me?
I say a prayer with every heartbeat.
I fall in love whenever we meet…
(Spins around and sees Aragorn staring at her.)
Aragorn: Dude, like, that’s a weird way to use a sword. Not that I didn’t like it.
Eowyn: (getting all defensive) Whatever, it’s no big. The dudettes of this country learned forever ago – swords have tons of uses, and I know them all. You don’t scare me.
Aragorn: Really? I don’t? How come? What does scare you then?
Eowyn: Cages. Old folkies in cages – it’s just so wrong on so many levels, you know? What if I end up like that?
Aragorn: Um, I don’t know. I mean, that so totally won’t happen. You’re totally bodacious, a Shield-babe of Rohan, daughter of Dudes and all that good stuff. You’re so meant for bigger and better things.
(He suddenly realizes what he said and goes away quickly. Eowyn just watches him go, drooling and swooning.)
Chapter 27: Exodus from Rohan
(Everyone’s lined up and leaving Rohan. Theoden’s at the front of the line. Cut to Orthanc where Grima and Saruman are scheming.)
Grima: The King won’t stay at Edoras. He knows how sucky the defenses there are. He’ll think we’ll jump him there and thrash the city. He’ll go to Helm’s Deep. But it’s a rocky road, a long and winding road, through the mountains. And they’ll be slow, cuz of all the WOMEN and CHILDREN with em.
Saruman: Oh really? (evil glint in eye)
(Saruman goes down to the caverns where all his baddies are hanging out. You can hear snarling and see shadows of ticked off wargs on the wall. Then the orcs realize Saruman’s there and stop playing shadow puppets.)
Saruman: Kay, bros, time to make good on our promise. Let’s see if they haven’t forgotten it. Send out the wargs! MUAHAHAHA-hack*cough*… Dude, I’m getting too old for that laugh.
Continued in Part 9
