gamgee_fics (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 04:01 pm
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 04:01 pm
The Dude Towers
Title: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 2
Chapter 7: Massacre at the Fords of Isen
(Shot of some river on a rainy day. Lots of dead stuff lying around. Now, that’s just unsanitary. Eomer comes riding up, looking way scrumptious and serious, and takes in the carnage.)
Eomer: Dude, I think we’re kinda late. (suddenly realizes something) Oh, man… Theodred! Find him dudes, pronto!
(Everyone starts looking for Theodred.)
Random Rohirrim Rider: Mordor’s so gonna pay for this.
Eomer: (kicks a dead orc and reveals his helmet, painted with a white hand) Dude, I don’t think these orcs are from Mordor. I mean, look it. The Eye of Sauron so doesn’t have hands. Or does he? Cuz that would be way weird.
Random Rohirrim Rider: (near river) I found Waldo!
Eomer: For reals?! (runs over)
Random Rohirrim Rider: Sike!
Eomer: You have a twisted sense of humor bro. (reaches over and pulls Theodred out of the water – Ok, now how is he still breathing after being face deep in water for who knows how long? What the frick!) He’s alive! Yes! Dude, wake up. Come on man, you got to. You promised to tell me how to get to Level 3 on Game Cube Orc Massacre 3018.
Theodred: (passed out)
Eomer: Dude, we so gotta get him home. Let’s mosey!
(They get on their horses and head out. Eomer keeps Theodred with him and tries in vain to wake him up and thus doesn’t notice he’s taking everyone in the wrong direction till the Random Rohirrim Riders threaten to kill his Game Cube.)
Chapter 8: The Banishment of Eomer
(Eomer and the Random Rohirrim Riders eventually get to Edoras after numerous scenic shots. Cut to the Golden Hall, which really, if you look at it, doesn’t have all that much gold. Eowyn comes running inside to Theodred’s room, where Theodred is lying unconscious. Eomer is keeping vigil.)
Eowyn: Theodred?
Theodred: (passed out)
(Eowyn discovers his flesh wound. Ok, now, wouldn’t you think that, since this is WARTIME, and people get INJURED during wartime and need HEALING, the Rohirrim would have, oh, I don’t know… HEALERS! But noooooooo!)
Eowyn: Dude, that doesn’t look good. It’s getting kinda pussy.
Eomer: It gets worse. He got ambushed before I could find out how to get to Level 3.
(Eowyn and Eomer share a horrified glance)
(The King’s chamber. Eowyn and Eomer approach the king, who looks like he kicked the bucket about 1000 years ago and has been collecting dust ever since.)
Eowyn: My Dude, your son’s kinda sick. Maybe you want to do something about that?
Theoden: (does nothing)
Eomer: So like, you’re just gonna sit back and let these ugly Eye-lackeys run us outta our own town? And it’s not just them no more neither. They’ve subcontracted, branched out: Saruman’s totally in on it.
(Grima Wormtongue – now there’s a name you can trust – comes outta nowhere, all pale and pasty looking. Gee, could he be EVIL?)
Grima: Naw-ah! Sharkey’s the coolest ever! Er, I mean, liar liar pants on fire!
(Theoden manages to mumble a few incoherent words. Now, one has to ask why in the world would these people allow a senile old geezer to continue to be king. Can’t they just do the normal thing and overthrow him already?)
Eomer: Dude, you’re the liar. I know, kay? I saw! Those orcs are just running around all willy nilly like they own the place. It’s just wrong. And they ARE Saruman’s.
(Throws a helmet with a white handprint onto table to make his point. Ok, so he just basically ripped that thing off some dead orc’s head. That’s kind of disgusting.)
Grima: Yeah, well, whatever man. That doesn’t prove nothing. That could be your handprint. Yeah, that’s right. It’s yours isn’t it? Why you trying to frame Saruman? I mean, what’d he ever do to you? Sides, your uncle’s kind of a loon, in case you haven’t noticed. Do you think he’s even actually aware you’re here? I mean, come on! THINK about it! Blond-haired bimbo.
Eomer: Bimbo! (grabs Grima and shoves him against a pillar) Take it back or else!
Grima: Can’t make me.
Eomer: You’re in on it, aren’t you? You little bastard! What are you getting outta this?
(Eowyn decides this would be a good time to move and remind everyone that she’s still in the room. They turn to watch her and she stalks off. Grima starts drooling and Eomer gets more pissed off than ever.)
Eomer: Hey! Eyes off my sister! You don’t stand a chance with her. You are sooo beneath her!
Grima: Not yet. But soon, I will be.
(Eomer attempts to squeeze Grima’s eyeballs out, but gets grabbed from behind by Grima’s groupies.)
Grima: You’re getting a little too smart for my own good. Get rid of him.
Eomer: Dude, who died and made you queen?
Grima: Now, that’s just low, bro. You didn’t have to go there. You’re totally banished now. By order of the Dude.
(Grima holds up Eomer’s banishment notice to reveal the king’s signature, which looks more like a 3 year old scribbled on it, and the Grima Groupies cart Eomer away.)
Chapter 9: On the Trail of the Uruk-Hai
(Super orcs are still running like crazy. The Three Hunters are still struggling to keep up.)
Gimli: Why do I get stuck with all the corny one-liners?
Legolas: Dude, at least yours are funny. Mine are just lame. Check it: ‘They run as if the very whips of their master’s are behind them.’ Now, really, who writes this crap?
Aragorn: Well, that crap would be from some dead dude named Tolkien. Perhaps you’ve heard of him?
Gimli: Ooooohhhh! You just dissed the Big Kahuna! You’re in for it now, bro.
Legolas: At least I’m not comic relief guy.
Gimli: Don’t go there.
Aragorn: Come on, let’s mosey. All this yakking is slowing us down, and I look more studly running at full speed.
Legolas: Yeah, with your arms flailing around like a girl.
Aragorn: Shut up, man!
Gimli: That was sweet, bro!
Legolas: I know.
(Various chase scenes follow, making it appear they’re actually going somewhere, when in fact the scenery NEVER CHANGES.)
Chapter 10: Night Camp at Fangorn
(Night time. The regular orcs and super orcs come to a halt.)
Eye-lackey #683: Pit stop!
Ugluk: Get the bonfire going, man. Break out the s’mores! And you!
Random Super Orc #48: Yo!
Ugluk: Find the moron who’s wearing that cologne and fry his ass.
Random Super Orc #48: You got it dude.
(Cut to Merry and Pippin, who for some strange reason have been left unattended.)
Pippin: Merry? You cool, coz?
Merry: Nah, bro, I’m still a little jittery from all that Hi-C they jammed down my throat. They sooo didn’t add enough water.
Pippin: Undiluted Hi-C? Sweet!
Merry: Totally.
(Orcs start chopping down some trees, which start moaning and groaning.)
Pippin: Dude, what’s up with the noise?
Merry: It must be the trees.
Pippin: How’s that?
Merry: Are you brain dead or something? Don’t you remember the Old Forest?
Pippin: NO! Don’t want to talk about it!
Merry: But…
Pippin: Nope. Can’t make me.
Merry: But…
Pippin: LALALALALALADEDEDE!
Merry: Oh forget it then.
(Meanwhile, the orcs are complaining about the snack food)
Grishnak: What? No chips and dip? No peanuts and beer? No milk and cookies?
Eye-lackey #187: Milk and cookies? Dude, what are you, like 3 or something?
Grishnak: I CAN LIKE MILK AND COOKIES! Back off, or I’ll squash ya.
Eye-lackey #187: Alright, just chill. Geez. Wound tight much?
Eye-lackey #91: Forget all that crud, man. Where’s the beef jerky? This maggoty bread is just going to my hips.
Random Super Orc #75: Dude, there’s beef jerky? Awesome!
Grishnak: Yep, and it’s right over there.
(Points to Merry and Pippin who are completely clueless – but what’s new about that? They’re grabbed and dragged to the middle of the crowd.)
Ugluk: I sooo don’t think so. Hands off my prize! If anyone’s gonna eat ‘em, it’ll so be me.
Grishnak: Says who?
Ugluk: Um, says me – weren’t you just listening? Sides, Sharkey wants ‘em first, so no touchie.
Grishnak: Ah come on. Can’t we just smack ‘em around a little? I bet they bruise easily, make narly colors.
Ugluk: No way, man. Sharkey gets first dibs. They got something he wants.
Grishnak: Yeah, like what?
Ugluk: How the frick should I know?
Pippin: (to Merry) We don’t got nothing, man.
Merry: I know that and you know that. But they don’t know that, so can it.
Pippin: Why?
Merry: Cuz then they’ll kill us – duh!
(Just then, Eye-lackey #187 comes up from behind, knife raised)
Eye-lackey #187: Enough of this, man, just a taste. It won’t hurt.
Pippin: Yes it will!
(Random Super Orc #48 comes up and beheads Eye-lackey #187, conveniently before he can do anything to Merry and Pippin.)
Random Super Orc #48: Gotcha! No one wears perfume on my clock!
Ugluk: You go bro!
Random Super Orc #48: I so rule!
Random Super Orc #792: So, like, does this mean we get beef jerky now?
Ugluk: (pushing Merry and Pippin to the side) Dig in bros! There’s plenty of grub for everyone.
(They start tearing it up – literally, ew!)
Pippin: Dude, that’s just gross.
Merry: I’m about to ralfe. Let’s scram.
(They scram, or more correctly, crawl away, when Grishnak comes outta nowhere and stops them.)
Grishnak: Where do you half pints think you’re going? I wanna play.
Merry: Um, ok. Like what? Monopoly?
Pippin: Clue?
Merry: Parchessi?
Pippin: Oh, I like that one. Let’s play that!
Grishnak: Shut up and die!
Pippin: Kay, but I never heard of that game.
(Just then, a bunch of Random Rohirrim Riders come outta nowhere, conveniently saving Merry and Pippin from Grishnak, who gets speared through the back, but somehow doesn’t die. Then a horse rears up and comes crashing down on Pippin. BOOM!)
(Next morning. Sky’s all red and narly looking.)
Legolas: A red sun rises – blah blah blah.
Gimli: Dude, you better say that correctly. You already insulted the Big Kahuna once.
Legolas: Yeah, so? What’s he gonna do? He’s dead – hello!
(Just then, there’s a blinding light and white flash with smoke. Smoke goes away. Legolas is gone, and in his place is………………………………………………………………………………………………… FIGWIT!)
Aragorn & Gimli: Who are you?
Figwit: I’m Figwit. I sat next to you at the council meeting, Aragorn. I’m the “thinking woman’s Legolas”.
Aragorn: Kay, but what are you doing here? Where’s the real Legolas?
Figwit: (realizing something) Dude, I finally have a speaking part! Kewlness!
Gimli: Good for you, but where’s Legolas? Bring him back!
(Ok, that should do it. Another blinding flash and more smoke. Figwit disappears, and Legolas is back, shaken and looking about frantically.)
Gimli: Dude, where were you?
Legolas: Too… horrible… … Mary Sues… EVERYWHERE! (shudders) Get em off me, man!
Gimli: Aw, snap out of it, will ya?
Aragorn: Yeah, bro, shake it off. We got to catch up with the little dudes.
(Legolas attempts to ‘shake it off’ and they start running again)
Continued in Part 4
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 2
Chapter 7: Massacre at the Fords of Isen
(Shot of some river on a rainy day. Lots of dead stuff lying around. Now, that’s just unsanitary. Eomer comes riding up, looking way scrumptious and serious, and takes in the carnage.)
Eomer: Dude, I think we’re kinda late. (suddenly realizes something) Oh, man… Theodred! Find him dudes, pronto!
(Everyone starts looking for Theodred.)
Random Rohirrim Rider: Mordor’s so gonna pay for this.
Eomer: (kicks a dead orc and reveals his helmet, painted with a white hand) Dude, I don’t think these orcs are from Mordor. I mean, look it. The Eye of Sauron so doesn’t have hands. Or does he? Cuz that would be way weird.
Random Rohirrim Rider: (near river) I found Waldo!
Eomer: For reals?! (runs over)
Random Rohirrim Rider: Sike!
Eomer: You have a twisted sense of humor bro. (reaches over and pulls Theodred out of the water – Ok, now how is he still breathing after being face deep in water for who knows how long? What the frick!) He’s alive! Yes! Dude, wake up. Come on man, you got to. You promised to tell me how to get to Level 3 on Game Cube Orc Massacre 3018.
Theodred: (passed out)
Eomer: Dude, we so gotta get him home. Let’s mosey!
(They get on their horses and head out. Eomer keeps Theodred with him and tries in vain to wake him up and thus doesn’t notice he’s taking everyone in the wrong direction till the Random Rohirrim Riders threaten to kill his Game Cube.)
Chapter 8: The Banishment of Eomer
(Eomer and the Random Rohirrim Riders eventually get to Edoras after numerous scenic shots. Cut to the Golden Hall, which really, if you look at it, doesn’t have all that much gold. Eowyn comes running inside to Theodred’s room, where Theodred is lying unconscious. Eomer is keeping vigil.)
Eowyn: Theodred?
Theodred: (passed out)
(Eowyn discovers his flesh wound. Ok, now, wouldn’t you think that, since this is WARTIME, and people get INJURED during wartime and need HEALING, the Rohirrim would have, oh, I don’t know… HEALERS! But noooooooo!)
Eowyn: Dude, that doesn’t look good. It’s getting kinda pussy.
Eomer: It gets worse. He got ambushed before I could find out how to get to Level 3.
(Eowyn and Eomer share a horrified glance)
(The King’s chamber. Eowyn and Eomer approach the king, who looks like he kicked the bucket about 1000 years ago and has been collecting dust ever since.)
Eowyn: My Dude, your son’s kinda sick. Maybe you want to do something about that?
Theoden: (does nothing)
Eomer: So like, you’re just gonna sit back and let these ugly Eye-lackeys run us outta our own town? And it’s not just them no more neither. They’ve subcontracted, branched out: Saruman’s totally in on it.
(Grima Wormtongue – now there’s a name you can trust – comes outta nowhere, all pale and pasty looking. Gee, could he be EVIL?)
Grima: Naw-ah! Sharkey’s the coolest ever! Er, I mean, liar liar pants on fire!
(Theoden manages to mumble a few incoherent words. Now, one has to ask why in the world would these people allow a senile old geezer to continue to be king. Can’t they just do the normal thing and overthrow him already?)
Eomer: Dude, you’re the liar. I know, kay? I saw! Those orcs are just running around all willy nilly like they own the place. It’s just wrong. And they ARE Saruman’s.
(Throws a helmet with a white handprint onto table to make his point. Ok, so he just basically ripped that thing off some dead orc’s head. That’s kind of disgusting.)
Grima: Yeah, well, whatever man. That doesn’t prove nothing. That could be your handprint. Yeah, that’s right. It’s yours isn’t it? Why you trying to frame Saruman? I mean, what’d he ever do to you? Sides, your uncle’s kind of a loon, in case you haven’t noticed. Do you think he’s even actually aware you’re here? I mean, come on! THINK about it! Blond-haired bimbo.
Eomer: Bimbo! (grabs Grima and shoves him against a pillar) Take it back or else!
Grima: Can’t make me.
Eomer: You’re in on it, aren’t you? You little bastard! What are you getting outta this?
(Eowyn decides this would be a good time to move and remind everyone that she’s still in the room. They turn to watch her and she stalks off. Grima starts drooling and Eomer gets more pissed off than ever.)
Eomer: Hey! Eyes off my sister! You don’t stand a chance with her. You are sooo beneath her!
Grima: Not yet. But soon, I will be.
(Eomer attempts to squeeze Grima’s eyeballs out, but gets grabbed from behind by Grima’s groupies.)
Grima: You’re getting a little too smart for my own good. Get rid of him.
Eomer: Dude, who died and made you queen?
Grima: Now, that’s just low, bro. You didn’t have to go there. You’re totally banished now. By order of the Dude.
(Grima holds up Eomer’s banishment notice to reveal the king’s signature, which looks more like a 3 year old scribbled on it, and the Grima Groupies cart Eomer away.)
Chapter 9: On the Trail of the Uruk-Hai
(Super orcs are still running like crazy. The Three Hunters are still struggling to keep up.)
Gimli: Why do I get stuck with all the corny one-liners?
Legolas: Dude, at least yours are funny. Mine are just lame. Check it: ‘They run as if the very whips of their master’s are behind them.’ Now, really, who writes this crap?
Aragorn: Well, that crap would be from some dead dude named Tolkien. Perhaps you’ve heard of him?
Gimli: Ooooohhhh! You just dissed the Big Kahuna! You’re in for it now, bro.
Legolas: At least I’m not comic relief guy.
Gimli: Don’t go there.
Aragorn: Come on, let’s mosey. All this yakking is slowing us down, and I look more studly running at full speed.
Legolas: Yeah, with your arms flailing around like a girl.
Aragorn: Shut up, man!
Gimli: That was sweet, bro!
Legolas: I know.
(Various chase scenes follow, making it appear they’re actually going somewhere, when in fact the scenery NEVER CHANGES.)
Chapter 10: Night Camp at Fangorn
(Night time. The regular orcs and super orcs come to a halt.)
Eye-lackey #683: Pit stop!
Ugluk: Get the bonfire going, man. Break out the s’mores! And you!
Random Super Orc #48: Yo!
Ugluk: Find the moron who’s wearing that cologne and fry his ass.
Random Super Orc #48: You got it dude.
(Cut to Merry and Pippin, who for some strange reason have been left unattended.)
Pippin: Merry? You cool, coz?
Merry: Nah, bro, I’m still a little jittery from all that Hi-C they jammed down my throat. They sooo didn’t add enough water.
Pippin: Undiluted Hi-C? Sweet!
Merry: Totally.
(Orcs start chopping down some trees, which start moaning and groaning.)
Pippin: Dude, what’s up with the noise?
Merry: It must be the trees.
Pippin: How’s that?
Merry: Are you brain dead or something? Don’t you remember the Old Forest?
Pippin: NO! Don’t want to talk about it!
Merry: But…
Pippin: Nope. Can’t make me.
Merry: But…
Pippin: LALALALALALADEDEDE!
Merry: Oh forget it then.
(Meanwhile, the orcs are complaining about the snack food)
Grishnak: What? No chips and dip? No peanuts and beer? No milk and cookies?
Eye-lackey #187: Milk and cookies? Dude, what are you, like 3 or something?
Grishnak: I CAN LIKE MILK AND COOKIES! Back off, or I’ll squash ya.
Eye-lackey #187: Alright, just chill. Geez. Wound tight much?
Eye-lackey #91: Forget all that crud, man. Where’s the beef jerky? This maggoty bread is just going to my hips.
Random Super Orc #75: Dude, there’s beef jerky? Awesome!
Grishnak: Yep, and it’s right over there.
(Points to Merry and Pippin who are completely clueless – but what’s new about that? They’re grabbed and dragged to the middle of the crowd.)
Ugluk: I sooo don’t think so. Hands off my prize! If anyone’s gonna eat ‘em, it’ll so be me.
Grishnak: Says who?
Ugluk: Um, says me – weren’t you just listening? Sides, Sharkey wants ‘em first, so no touchie.
Grishnak: Ah come on. Can’t we just smack ‘em around a little? I bet they bruise easily, make narly colors.
Ugluk: No way, man. Sharkey gets first dibs. They got something he wants.
Grishnak: Yeah, like what?
Ugluk: How the frick should I know?
Pippin: (to Merry) We don’t got nothing, man.
Merry: I know that and you know that. But they don’t know that, so can it.
Pippin: Why?
Merry: Cuz then they’ll kill us – duh!
(Just then, Eye-lackey #187 comes up from behind, knife raised)
Eye-lackey #187: Enough of this, man, just a taste. It won’t hurt.
Pippin: Yes it will!
(Random Super Orc #48 comes up and beheads Eye-lackey #187, conveniently before he can do anything to Merry and Pippin.)
Random Super Orc #48: Gotcha! No one wears perfume on my clock!
Ugluk: You go bro!
Random Super Orc #48: I so rule!
Random Super Orc #792: So, like, does this mean we get beef jerky now?
Ugluk: (pushing Merry and Pippin to the side) Dig in bros! There’s plenty of grub for everyone.
(They start tearing it up – literally, ew!)
Pippin: Dude, that’s just gross.
Merry: I’m about to ralfe. Let’s scram.
(They scram, or more correctly, crawl away, when Grishnak comes outta nowhere and stops them.)
Grishnak: Where do you half pints think you’re going? I wanna play.
Merry: Um, ok. Like what? Monopoly?
Pippin: Clue?
Merry: Parchessi?
Pippin: Oh, I like that one. Let’s play that!
Grishnak: Shut up and die!
Pippin: Kay, but I never heard of that game.
(Just then, a bunch of Random Rohirrim Riders come outta nowhere, conveniently saving Merry and Pippin from Grishnak, who gets speared through the back, but somehow doesn’t die. Then a horse rears up and comes crashing down on Pippin. BOOM!)
(Next morning. Sky’s all red and narly looking.)
Legolas: A red sun rises – blah blah blah.
Gimli: Dude, you better say that correctly. You already insulted the Big Kahuna once.
Legolas: Yeah, so? What’s he gonna do? He’s dead – hello!
(Just then, there’s a blinding light and white flash with smoke. Smoke goes away. Legolas is gone, and in his place is………………………………………………………………………………………………… FIGWIT!)
Aragorn & Gimli: Who are you?
Figwit: I’m Figwit. I sat next to you at the council meeting, Aragorn. I’m the “thinking woman’s Legolas”.
Aragorn: Kay, but what are you doing here? Where’s the real Legolas?
Figwit: (realizing something) Dude, I finally have a speaking part! Kewlness!
Gimli: Good for you, but where’s Legolas? Bring him back!
(Ok, that should do it. Another blinding flash and more smoke. Figwit disappears, and Legolas is back, shaken and looking about frantically.)
Gimli: Dude, where were you?
Legolas: Too… horrible… … Mary Sues… EVERYWHERE! (shudders) Get em off me, man!
Gimli: Aw, snap out of it, will ya?
Aragorn: Yeah, bro, shake it off. We got to catch up with the little dudes.
(Legolas attempts to ‘shake it off’ and they start running again)
Continued in Part 4