The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 03:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 1
Chapter 4: The Uruk Hai
(Meanwhile, back with the other hobbits: Merry and Pippin have been hobbit-knapped by the super orcs and are being carted through Middle Earth to Saruman’s, aka Sharkey. Merry is taking the opportunity to catch up on his beauty rest. The super orcs pull to a stop and are met by some regular orcs. … Hey, wait a sec – Regular orcs? Super orcs? Dude, are these like gas grades? Where are the Premium orcs?)
Ugluk: We are the fighting Uruk Hai! We fight because we are Uruk Hai and that is what we do. No one else can be Uruk Hai because we are the Uruk Hai and we will fight them because we, and only we, are the fighting Uruk Hai. That is why we fight. If anyone should say that they are Uruk Hai, they will be lying, because WE are the fighting Uruk Hai –
Pippin: Hey Merry! Wake up, coz, you gotta see this! He’s doing Mojo Jojo!
Merry: (snores)
Ugluk: - for we are Uruk Hai because we fight –
Grishnak: All right already, geez, we get it. Now shut your trap and hand over the half pints. The Eye wants ‘em and you know how prissy he can get when he doesn’t get his way.
Ugluk: - because that is what we do. We fought for them. They are ours and if you want them, you will have to fight us, because we are the Uruk Hai, and…
Grishnak: Oh, shut UP, already! Geez, get a new topic.
Ugluk: (glaring daggers) Dude, whatever, man. We don’t be taking no orders from the Eye-lackeys. The half pints are for Sharkey, no one else, so deal.
(Ugluk walks away and Grishnak promptly coughs up a hairball)
Eye-lackey #35,834: Told you not to eat that cat.
Grishnak: Can it.
(Back at Merry and Pippin. Pippin’s still trying to wake up Merry.)
Pippin: Wake up you moron! You’re gonna miss it. (sees a super orc and gets a really baaaaad idea) Hey, you there! My bud’s way sick, man. Give him some water will ya?
Ugluk: Aw, is the widdle wobbit sick? Can’t have that, now can we? Give him some medicine, bros!
Random Super Orc #4895: But, like, we don’t got any medicine, man. If someone gets sick, we just kill em and eat em.
Pippin: Eeeeeewwwwwwww! That’s nasty!
Ugluk: How mental are you? I was being sarcastic about the medicine, kay? Just pour some of that Hi-C down his throat already. There’s enough sugar in that stuff to wake the dead.
(Random Super Orc #4895 pours some grape-flavored Hi-C down Merry’s throat. He’s awake in an instant.)
Pippin: Hey, no fair! I want some! Give me some! Gimmesomegimmesomegimmesome!
Ugluk: I sooo don’t think so, little dude. You’re hyper enough as it is.
Pippin: Bogus.
(Ugluk walks off. Pippin finally realizes Merry is hurt.)
Pippin: Merry, you’re hurt.
Merry: Well duh. It would have been you if you hadn’t ducked behind me at the last minute. And what’d ya have em wake me up for? I was having this totally narly dream, about this one time in band camp...
Pippin: I don’t wanna hear it! Lalalala!
(At the front of the line)
Ugluk: All right, dudes, time to mosey. Get your sugar highs on!
(They all guzzle down some Hi-C, then Random Super Orc #48 notices something)
Random Super Orc #48: (sniffing) Dude, do you smell that? It’s Man Flesh for Baddies, by Elizabeth Taylor.
Ugluk: What?! Ok, whoever’s wearing that is soooo dead when this sugar high wears off! Now, let’s haul ass!
(They take off at lightening speed, and the extra momentum must be causing the leaf brooch on Pippin’s cloak to scratch his neck or something. He decides to get rid of it and somehow manages to undo it, with his TEETH!)
Chapter 5: The Three Hunters
(Let’s see what the rest of the Dudeship is up to! Right now, pretty much nothing. Aragorn’s lying on the ground when Legolas comes running up.)
Legolas: Like, whadya think you’re doing down there?
Aragorn: Look, just cuz I can’t go to the Bahamas no more is no reason for me to go without a tan.
Legolas: Totally gotta agree with that. (lies down. Aragorn hands him some tanning lotion)
(Little while later, Gimli finally stumbles into view)
Gimli: Three frickin days running around – no food, no rest. Huh, you know, we should so be dead of thirst by now. Weird. (sees Legolas and Aragorn) Are you slackers lying down again? No fair. Just cuz you run faster.
Aragorn: Dude, I was listening for, um, the uh, vibrations! Hey, that’s it, the vibrations of the super orcs.
Legolas: (singing to himself)
Good, good, good, good vibrations!
Good, good, good excitations!
Lalalalalaaa lalalaa!
Gimli: Yeah, suuuure you were.
Aragorn: No really, I was. And see (presses ear to rock) Yep, just as I thought. Their pace has quickened. We gotta mosey! Let’s roll!
(They take off running and eventually come to the little canyon where the regular orcs and super orcs were. Aragorn miraculously finds the Lorien brooch, which is conveniently sticking out of the ground.)
Aragorn: Finders keepers!
Legolas: That must be one of the little dude’s!
Aragorn: Less than a day ahead of us, too.
Legolas: How can you tell?
Aragorn: Uh, well, cuz um – cuz I can, kay? Geez. I AM a ranger, you know. I can do that kind of stuff.
(They start running again and Gimli comes stumbling down the path)
Legolas: Will you stop fooling around!
Gimli: Hey, I can’t help it if the screenwriters are determined to make me comic relief guy, so back off, kay?
(They all eventually make it out of the canyon and see a big honkin’ rocky plain stretching out before them. … Now, do plains have rocks? Aren’t plains, by definition, supposed to be flat and smooth and therefore rock free? What the heck!)
Aragorn: Rohan, pad of the Horse-dudes. But where are the Uruk Hai? Now that’s just weird.
Legolas: Dude, they’re right over there.
Aragorn: Where? I can’t see with your elf eyes.
Gimli: Elf eyes? What are you talkin’ about? Dude, they’re right there, man – the freakin’ obvious dust trail – hello!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah, huh. But, where are they taking them? See, that’s what we gotta figure out.
Legolas: To Isengard, duh. You’re our leader???
Gimli: Some ranger you are.
Aragorn: Shut up, dudes!
Chapter 6: The Burning of the Westfold
(Back at Isengard. Saruman’s doing his weird hand meditation thing again.)
Saruman: (in voice over) The world is changing. How? I have no clue cuz it looks pretty much the same as it did in the last movie. I still kick butt and Mordor’s just as bleak as ever. (pass through zoom shot of Palantir to Mordor and it’s WAY SCARY) But that’s ok, cuz we so totally rule! Don’t we Eye-man? (shot continues up tower of Barad-Dur to the Eye of Sauron.)
Sauron: Yeah, sure, whatever you say bro. And don’t call me Eye-man.
Saruman: Dude, you’re no fun.
(Montage shot of orcs knocking down trees, trees falling into caverns, orcs making weapons and … wait a minute! Isn’t this the same footage they used in the last movie? Cheapos.)
Saruman: (voice over during montage) You know what? I think I will change the world. Get rid of ALL the forests. I mean, really, who needs ‘em and their oxygen-spewing ways? More orcs and weapons – now that’s the stuff.
(Saruman’s standing on platform above caverns and starts singing)
Saruman:
If I could change the world,
I would be the sunlight in your universe…
Orc Captain: Um, whatcha doing, man?
Saruman: Dude, you threw off my groove! How rude. Just for that, you’re gonna have those super orcs armed and ready to kick butt in two weeks, or else.
Orc Captain: No way! Like, literally, there’s no way we could do that.
Saruman: You’ll do it, or I’ll cream ya majorly.
Orc Captain: But, but, there’s not enough wood for the fires.
Saruman: Are you a frickin’ moron or something? Fangorn Forest is like right on our doorstep, and I so don’t remember givin’ em an invite to grow all pretty next to my ugly tower. Burn it down!
Orc Captain: Kay, but um, I don’t see how burning the tower’s gonna help with the wood problem.
Saruman: Burn … the … FOREST! Not the tower! Dorkus.
Orc Captain: OH! Kay, I got ya now! … But if we burn down the forest, we still won’t have wood for the furnaces.
Saruman: I’m surrounded by idiots.
(Back in Saruman’s main chambers. Saruman’s up on his throne, practicing looking psychotic. Some Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude with Jacked Up Teeth is standing in front of him.)
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: Um, I’m here for the fraternity pledge. Am I in the right building?
Saruman: Yes. Now, whom do you serve?
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: Um, the fraternity?
Saruman: No, half wit! Me! You serve me!
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: Oh, ok.
Saruman: Now, read the cue cards and you’re in.
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: ‘We will fight for you, we will -’ … Ah, man, do I really gotta cut my hand? These hazing rituals are getting way gross. And what’s this about dying? I didn’t sign up for that.
Saruman: Just shut up and go join the other pledgees.
(Outside at night. Saruman’s standing in the middle of a bunch of Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes. They all have weapons and are waving them about confusedly.)
Saruman: Now, the Horse-dudes’ frat house is in Rohan. They think they’re better than you, cuz they’re all long-haired blond pretty boys. And they let girls join.
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes: EW!
Saruman: There’s only one way to stop them. Burn them to the ground!
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude #874: Can’t we just teepee their houses?
Saruman: NO! You will fight and maim and burn, or I’ll totally make you watch Barbara Streisand musicals.
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude #17: Burn! Maim!
(The Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes run off screen and are never seen AGAIN. Gee, wonder why.)
Saruman: (watching them run off) Yep, I still got it.
(Next day. Super orcs are running through villages, burning and maiming. Ok, so if the super orcs were going to do this the whole time, what was the point of the Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes? I mean, really?)
Saruman: (in yet ANOTHER voice over) Once Rohan’s outta the way, I’ll be ready to take over the world! Er, I mean, you’ll be ready to take over. Yeah, that’s right, it’s ALL about YOU, isn’t it?
(In random village. Some peasant looking, um, peasant woman is yelling at her kids.)
Peasant Woman: Will you two stop messing around and get over here already! Get on this horse! Don’t make me count to three!
Annoying Peasant Girl: But Daddy said we can’t ride the horse. He’s too big for us.
Peasant Woman: Do you SEE your daddy anywhere round here? No you don’t. And you know why? Cuz he gone! Now get on this horse. One… TWO!
(Annoying Peasant Girl and Boy get on horse. Annoying Peasant Girl has a separation anxiety fit. Annoying Peasant Boy gets reins and rides away)
Peasant Woman: Finally get rid of them, geez! Now, maybe I can finally clean up and get some decent make-up on. Stupid kids, making me run around with nothing but lip liner.
(Um … … … ok.)
(Shot of super orcs running down a bunch of peasant villagers.)
Saruman: Doesn’t picking on unarmed women and children make you feel so studly?
Continued in Part 3
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 1
Chapter 4: The Uruk Hai
(Meanwhile, back with the other hobbits: Merry and Pippin have been hobbit-knapped by the super orcs and are being carted through Middle Earth to Saruman’s, aka Sharkey. Merry is taking the opportunity to catch up on his beauty rest. The super orcs pull to a stop and are met by some regular orcs. … Hey, wait a sec – Regular orcs? Super orcs? Dude, are these like gas grades? Where are the Premium orcs?)
Ugluk: We are the fighting Uruk Hai! We fight because we are Uruk Hai and that is what we do. No one else can be Uruk Hai because we are the Uruk Hai and we will fight them because we, and only we, are the fighting Uruk Hai. That is why we fight. If anyone should say that they are Uruk Hai, they will be lying, because WE are the fighting Uruk Hai –
Pippin: Hey Merry! Wake up, coz, you gotta see this! He’s doing Mojo Jojo!
Merry: (snores)
Ugluk: - for we are Uruk Hai because we fight –
Grishnak: All right already, geez, we get it. Now shut your trap and hand over the half pints. The Eye wants ‘em and you know how prissy he can get when he doesn’t get his way.
Ugluk: - because that is what we do. We fought for them. They are ours and if you want them, you will have to fight us, because we are the Uruk Hai, and…
Grishnak: Oh, shut UP, already! Geez, get a new topic.
Ugluk: (glaring daggers) Dude, whatever, man. We don’t be taking no orders from the Eye-lackeys. The half pints are for Sharkey, no one else, so deal.
(Ugluk walks away and Grishnak promptly coughs up a hairball)
Eye-lackey #35,834: Told you not to eat that cat.
Grishnak: Can it.
(Back at Merry and Pippin. Pippin’s still trying to wake up Merry.)
Pippin: Wake up you moron! You’re gonna miss it. (sees a super orc and gets a really baaaaad idea) Hey, you there! My bud’s way sick, man. Give him some water will ya?
Ugluk: Aw, is the widdle wobbit sick? Can’t have that, now can we? Give him some medicine, bros!
Random Super Orc #4895: But, like, we don’t got any medicine, man. If someone gets sick, we just kill em and eat em.
Pippin: Eeeeeewwwwwwww! That’s nasty!
Ugluk: How mental are you? I was being sarcastic about the medicine, kay? Just pour some of that Hi-C down his throat already. There’s enough sugar in that stuff to wake the dead.
(Random Super Orc #4895 pours some grape-flavored Hi-C down Merry’s throat. He’s awake in an instant.)
Pippin: Hey, no fair! I want some! Give me some! Gimmesomegimmesomegimmesome!
Ugluk: I sooo don’t think so, little dude. You’re hyper enough as it is.
Pippin: Bogus.
(Ugluk walks off. Pippin finally realizes Merry is hurt.)
Pippin: Merry, you’re hurt.
Merry: Well duh. It would have been you if you hadn’t ducked behind me at the last minute. And what’d ya have em wake me up for? I was having this totally narly dream, about this one time in band camp...
Pippin: I don’t wanna hear it! Lalalala!
(At the front of the line)
Ugluk: All right, dudes, time to mosey. Get your sugar highs on!
(They all guzzle down some Hi-C, then Random Super Orc #48 notices something)
Random Super Orc #48: (sniffing) Dude, do you smell that? It’s Man Flesh for Baddies, by Elizabeth Taylor.
Ugluk: What?! Ok, whoever’s wearing that is soooo dead when this sugar high wears off! Now, let’s haul ass!
(They take off at lightening speed, and the extra momentum must be causing the leaf brooch on Pippin’s cloak to scratch his neck or something. He decides to get rid of it and somehow manages to undo it, with his TEETH!)
Chapter 5: The Three Hunters
(Let’s see what the rest of the Dudeship is up to! Right now, pretty much nothing. Aragorn’s lying on the ground when Legolas comes running up.)
Legolas: Like, whadya think you’re doing down there?
Aragorn: Look, just cuz I can’t go to the Bahamas no more is no reason for me to go without a tan.
Legolas: Totally gotta agree with that. (lies down. Aragorn hands him some tanning lotion)
(Little while later, Gimli finally stumbles into view)
Gimli: Three frickin days running around – no food, no rest. Huh, you know, we should so be dead of thirst by now. Weird. (sees Legolas and Aragorn) Are you slackers lying down again? No fair. Just cuz you run faster.
Aragorn: Dude, I was listening for, um, the uh, vibrations! Hey, that’s it, the vibrations of the super orcs.
Legolas: (singing to himself)
Good, good, good, good vibrations!
Good, good, good excitations!
Lalalalalaaa lalalaa!
Gimli: Yeah, suuuure you were.
Aragorn: No really, I was. And see (presses ear to rock) Yep, just as I thought. Their pace has quickened. We gotta mosey! Let’s roll!
(They take off running and eventually come to the little canyon where the regular orcs and super orcs were. Aragorn miraculously finds the Lorien brooch, which is conveniently sticking out of the ground.)
Aragorn: Finders keepers!
Legolas: That must be one of the little dude’s!
Aragorn: Less than a day ahead of us, too.
Legolas: How can you tell?
Aragorn: Uh, well, cuz um – cuz I can, kay? Geez. I AM a ranger, you know. I can do that kind of stuff.
(They start running again and Gimli comes stumbling down the path)
Legolas: Will you stop fooling around!
Gimli: Hey, I can’t help it if the screenwriters are determined to make me comic relief guy, so back off, kay?
(They all eventually make it out of the canyon and see a big honkin’ rocky plain stretching out before them. … Now, do plains have rocks? Aren’t plains, by definition, supposed to be flat and smooth and therefore rock free? What the heck!)
Aragorn: Rohan, pad of the Horse-dudes. But where are the Uruk Hai? Now that’s just weird.
Legolas: Dude, they’re right over there.
Aragorn: Where? I can’t see with your elf eyes.
Gimli: Elf eyes? What are you talkin’ about? Dude, they’re right there, man – the freakin’ obvious dust trail – hello!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah, huh. But, where are they taking them? See, that’s what we gotta figure out.
Legolas: To Isengard, duh. You’re our leader???
Gimli: Some ranger you are.
Aragorn: Shut up, dudes!
Chapter 6: The Burning of the Westfold
(Back at Isengard. Saruman’s doing his weird hand meditation thing again.)
Saruman: (in voice over) The world is changing. How? I have no clue cuz it looks pretty much the same as it did in the last movie. I still kick butt and Mordor’s just as bleak as ever. (pass through zoom shot of Palantir to Mordor and it’s WAY SCARY) But that’s ok, cuz we so totally rule! Don’t we Eye-man? (shot continues up tower of Barad-Dur to the Eye of Sauron.)
Sauron: Yeah, sure, whatever you say bro. And don’t call me Eye-man.
Saruman: Dude, you’re no fun.
(Montage shot of orcs knocking down trees, trees falling into caverns, orcs making weapons and … wait a minute! Isn’t this the same footage they used in the last movie? Cheapos.)
Saruman: (voice over during montage) You know what? I think I will change the world. Get rid of ALL the forests. I mean, really, who needs ‘em and their oxygen-spewing ways? More orcs and weapons – now that’s the stuff.
(Saruman’s standing on platform above caverns and starts singing)
Saruman:
If I could change the world,
I would be the sunlight in your universe…
Orc Captain: Um, whatcha doing, man?
Saruman: Dude, you threw off my groove! How rude. Just for that, you’re gonna have those super orcs armed and ready to kick butt in two weeks, or else.
Orc Captain: No way! Like, literally, there’s no way we could do that.
Saruman: You’ll do it, or I’ll cream ya majorly.
Orc Captain: But, but, there’s not enough wood for the fires.
Saruman: Are you a frickin’ moron or something? Fangorn Forest is like right on our doorstep, and I so don’t remember givin’ em an invite to grow all pretty next to my ugly tower. Burn it down!
Orc Captain: Kay, but um, I don’t see how burning the tower’s gonna help with the wood problem.
Saruman: Burn … the … FOREST! Not the tower! Dorkus.
Orc Captain: OH! Kay, I got ya now! … But if we burn down the forest, we still won’t have wood for the furnaces.
Saruman: I’m surrounded by idiots.
(Back in Saruman’s main chambers. Saruman’s up on his throne, practicing looking psychotic. Some Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude with Jacked Up Teeth is standing in front of him.)
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: Um, I’m here for the fraternity pledge. Am I in the right building?
Saruman: Yes. Now, whom do you serve?
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: Um, the fraternity?
Saruman: No, half wit! Me! You serve me!
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: Oh, ok.
Saruman: Now, read the cue cards and you’re in.
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude: ‘We will fight for you, we will -’ … Ah, man, do I really gotta cut my hand? These hazing rituals are getting way gross. And what’s this about dying? I didn’t sign up for that.
Saruman: Just shut up and go join the other pledgees.
(Outside at night. Saruman’s standing in the middle of a bunch of Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes. They all have weapons and are waving them about confusedly.)
Saruman: Now, the Horse-dudes’ frat house is in Rohan. They think they’re better than you, cuz they’re all long-haired blond pretty boys. And they let girls join.
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes: EW!
Saruman: There’s only one way to stop them. Burn them to the ground!
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude #874: Can’t we just teepee their houses?
Saruman: NO! You will fight and maim and burn, or I’ll totally make you watch Barbara Streisand musicals.
Raunchy Looking Homeless Dude #17: Burn! Maim!
(The Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes run off screen and are never seen AGAIN. Gee, wonder why.)
Saruman: (watching them run off) Yep, I still got it.
(Next day. Super orcs are running through villages, burning and maiming. Ok, so if the super orcs were going to do this the whole time, what was the point of the Raunchy Looking Homeless Dudes? I mean, really?)
Saruman: (in yet ANOTHER voice over) Once Rohan’s outta the way, I’ll be ready to take over the world! Er, I mean, you’ll be ready to take over. Yeah, that’s right, it’s ALL about YOU, isn’t it?
(In random village. Some peasant looking, um, peasant woman is yelling at her kids.)
Peasant Woman: Will you two stop messing around and get over here already! Get on this horse! Don’t make me count to three!
Annoying Peasant Girl: But Daddy said we can’t ride the horse. He’s too big for us.
Peasant Woman: Do you SEE your daddy anywhere round here? No you don’t. And you know why? Cuz he gone! Now get on this horse. One… TWO!
(Annoying Peasant Girl and Boy get on horse. Annoying Peasant Girl has a separation anxiety fit. Annoying Peasant Boy gets reins and rides away)
Peasant Woman: Finally get rid of them, geez! Now, maybe I can finally clean up and get some decent make-up on. Stupid kids, making me run around with nothing but lip liner.
(Um … … … ok.)
(Shot of super orcs running down a bunch of peasant villagers.)
Saruman: Doesn’t picking on unarmed women and children make you feel so studly?
Continued in Part 3
