The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 04:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 3
Chapter 11: The Riders of Rohan
(Some unknown amount of time later, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are STILL running around and they STILL haven’t gotten very far. Aragorn crouches down to look at the dirt when they suddenly hear the beating of many hooves. They take cover, a whole split second before a bunch of Random Rohirrim Riders come riding up. Now, wouldn’t think everyone would have seen each other WAAAAAY before now? Are they all frickin blind or something? But anyways, the Random Rohirrim Riders go riding by. Aragorn decides this would be a really good time to get their attention.)
Aragorn: (coming out of the not-so-hidden hiding place) Horse Dudes! Like, you know all your horses are missing a shoe!
(Random Rohirrim Riders turn and circle around the Three Hunters and check their horses’ shoes.)
Random Rohirrim Rider #9: They are not!
Aragorn: Made you look!
Eomer: What kind of moron are you? You think that’s funny or something?
Aragorn: Yeah.
Eomer: Yeah, well, how’s this for a joke: A Man, an Elf and a Dwarf walk into the Riddermark, and I spear em through.
Gimli: That’s not funny.
Eomer: You’ll be first, shrimpy. We can go bowling for orcs with your head.
Legolas: (pulling out arrow) Back off the dwarf, dude! No one insults or threatens him but me.
Gimli: Yeah!
Aragorn: Dudes, chill. Are you trying to get us skewered?
Legolas: You started it.
Aragorn: Did not.
Legolas, Gimli & Eomer: Did too.
Aragorn: Geez, no one here has a sense of humor. What’s that about?
Eomer: What the frick do you want already? And who are you? I want names, bub.
Gimli: I’ll give YOU a name.
Aragorn: (to Gimli) Shut it, man. (to Eomer) I am Aragorn, dude of Arathorn.
Eomer: Not impressed.
Aragorn: This is Gimli, dude of Gloin, and Legolas, dude of the Woodlands.
Eomer: Even less impressed.
Aragorn: Look, bro, I don’t know what your problem is, but we’re buds with Rohan, and with Théoden Dude!
Eomer: Yeah, that’s what you think.
(Removes his helmet to reveal matted up helmet hair. Legolas snickers. Eomer gives him the evil eye. All the Random Rohirrim Riders lower their spears, apparently tired of pointing them.)
Eomer: Theoden’s veggin in a permanent way. Sharkey’s in charge now and he totally banished everyone loyal to the cause.
Aragorn: Sharkey? Dude, I didn’t know you had gangsters down here.
Eomer: (rolls eyes) Sar – U – man. Some old geezer, hooded and cloaked, Striding around like he owns the place.
Aragorn: Oh! Right! Gotcha.
Eomer: Drop the clueless git act, if it IS an act. We so know he’s got spies. (looking at Legolas) There’s definitely something off about you.
Legolas: Dude, don’t hate me cuz I’m prettiest.
(Aragorn has to step in and separate them.)
Aragorn: Look, man, we ain’t no spies, kay? We’re just chasing down some super orcs who nabbed our little buds.
Eomer: The super orcs are fried AND crispy. They wanted a bonfire; they got one.
Aragorn: Huh?
Eomer: We killed em and burned em – duh. Keep up, will ya?
Gimli: But, but… the little dudes!
Aragorn: A couple of annoying little ankle-biters. Did you see em?
Eomer: Like, we don’t waste time looking at what we’re aiming for. What’s the point in that? Shoot to kill, that’s our motto. And we did. We got em all.
Gimli: But, but…
(Legolas manages to look distressed and comforts Gimli. Eomer decides to go easy on them and calls over a couple of horses.)
Eomer: Hasufel. Arod.
Aragorn: No, man, Legolas and Gimli.
Eomer: The horses, retard. (the horses come up and wait) Here, take these. They should be consolation enough for your little buds. The bonfire’s over there. (points to honking obvious smoke trail – notice the complete lack of trees anywhere in the vicinity) Look for your little buds, but don’t hope for much. We never miss a mark, so they’re probably dead. Our bad. Riders! We go North! Pronto!
(Eomer covers up his helmet hair and Random Rohirrim Riders ride off, leaving the Three Hunters behind. They don’t get far before realizing they’re going in the wrong direction and turn around. They go riding past and Eomer manages to scowl at Legolas as he goes by.)
Chapter 12: The Fate of Merry and Pippin
(They come riding up to the big honking bonfire, which is actually no longer a fire anymore. One of the super orc’s heads is standing on a spear. Gee, guess Eomer wasn’t joking about the whole beheading thing was he? They get off their horses, but Gimli’s the only one who actually does any searching. Oh, and notice, there are now a frickin’ bunch of trees all over the place. Now, where’d they come from?)
Gimli: It’s ONE of their belts! They’re BOTH dead!!!!!!!
Legolas: Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath. Man, these super orcs reek!
Aragorn: (has a hissy fit and kicks a helmet) OOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! My toes! (falls to knees in pain, then notices the others giving him weird looks and tries to cover up) Uh, I mean, check it out – a hobbit lay here.
Gimli: Laid DEAD!!!!
Aragorn: And the other one. (points to random dirt spot and audience tries in vain to see ANYTHING)
[And thus beginnings the constant flashbacks. Nighttime again, horse coming down on Pippin, but he rolls at the last minute and saves himself! Way to go Pip! But, um, where’s Merry? Shouldn’t he be right there too?]
Aragorn: They crawled, this-a-way.
[And yep, they’re crawling. Or at least Pippin is. Where the frick is Merry?]
Aragorn: They were all tied up.
Legolas: How can they crawl if they were all tied up?
Aragorn: Um, uh… just their hands were tied up, kay?
Gimli: Why would they tie up just their hands? Wouldn’t you think they’d tie up their legs too?
Aragorn: How should I know? I ain’t into bondage.
Legolas: That’s good to know.
[Pippin, once again, all by himself, is cutting the rope on a conveniently-positioned fallen ax.]
Aragorn: Anyways, where was I? Oh, yeah! (stares at ground again) They sliced the ropes!
[And THERE’S Merry! Lying like a lump on a log, while Pippin does all the hard work. What the heck! Pippin gets his ropes off too, and they run for it, under a horse and dodge a coupla falling super orcs.]
Aragorn: They darted and… dude, someone totally followed em!
[Grishnak grabs at Merry’s belt. Merry gives him the slip by removing the belt. Hey, he DOES have brains!]
Aragorn: They ran away from the fight into… Fangorn Forest.
Legolas: (wigging) Fan girl?!?!?!
Aragorn: FanGORN! Chill, geez.
Legolas: (chilling) Yeah, right. … I knew that.
Gimli: What the frick would they go in there for?
Legolas: Gee, I don’t know, do ya think could it have something to do with the midnight blood bath? Hello!
Chapter 13: Treebeard
(Merry and Pippin are running through Fangorn and, for no apparent reason, fall down.)
Pippin: (looking around) I’m having some massive déjà vu here, bro.
Merry: Focus coz. Do you hear anything? I think we shook him.
(Obviously, they didn’t cuz just then Grishnak suddenly comes outta nowhere. Okay, now, shouldn’t this dude be DEAD? He’s got a frickin’ spear through his frickin’ back, for frickin’ out loud!)
Pippin: Aw, crap. It’s that one Eyelash again.
Grishnak: (seeing them) I’m totally gonna rip you little turds to shreds!
Merry: Scram, bro!
Grishnak: Hey, where you going?
(They run around a bit and hide behind a tree. Hey, if it worked for Frodo against a whole slew of super orcs, it should work against one regular orc, right?)
Merry: This ain’t gonna work. Go up!
Pippin: Up? Up where?
Merry: The trees, dorkus! Just pick one and start climbing.
(They climb up a conveniently nearby tree that just happens to have branches low enough for them to grab onto. Pippin scrambles up and Merry follows him, and for some odd reason, stops only half way up the tree, thinking they’re safe. Retard. He gets nabbed and yanked off the tree. Apparently, regular orcs are both tougher and smarter than super orcs. What the heck! Grishnak pins Merry to the ground, but Merry kicks him in the jaw.)
Grishnak: Ow! Dude, so rude.
Merry: Score one for the little dudes!
Grishnak: You’re so gonna pay for that, you little twerp. (pulls out a monster-sized knife) Prepare to be minced meat.
Pippin: (still up in tree) Dude! Hands off my cousin, you prick!
(Just then, the tree comes to life, totally freaking Pippin out. He has a minor conniption fit and falls. The tree conveniently catches him mid-air, then conveniently squishes Grishnak – SPLAT! – and conveniently misses Merry.)
Merry: What the - ? Dude, I’m sooo outta here!
Pippin: Run, coz!
Merry: Way ahead of you, bro!
(Gets up and runs but obviously doesn’t get very far before getting snatched up.)
Treebeard: Well, golly - little squish toys! How nifty!
Pippin: Aw man, I must be tripping. I thought I heard the tree talk.
Treebeard: Tree? Trees are the swellest, but I’m an Ent.
Merry: Kewl! A shepherd of the forest! Except, forests don’t have sheep. What’s that about?
Pippin: Shhh, bro! I got a feeling we sooo don’t want this one talking too much, you know?
Treebeard: My name is Treebeard.
Pippin: Kay, did we ask?
Merry: Pippin!
Pippin: Oh, um, I mean, sure, that’s … nifty. Um, so, who do you roll with?
Treebeard: Roll! That’s not a nice thing to say to a tree. Trees only roll when they’re chopped down, little squish toy. I knew you were a tree hater.
Pippin: Ok, I’m wigging again.
Merry: Look, Woodie, you’re gonna have to stop calling us squish toys, man. We’re hobbits.
Treebeard: Hobbits! Hob-bits. Ho-bits. Hob-its. No, not familiar with them. Sounds like the squish toy trying not to get squished, like the other one. You come in here and ransack my town and make s’mores! That’s not very nice. I’ll make you hoodlums pay for being mean to my trees. (starts squishing them)
Merry & Pippin: OW! DUDE!
Merry: Come on, bro! For reals – we’re hobbits! Little dudes! Shire-bros!
Pippin: Yeah, what he said.
Treebeard: Squishy squishy!
Merry: No! Bad tree! No squishy the hobbits!
Treebeard: (stops squishing them) I’ll take you to the White Wiz Dude. He’s the smartest. He’ll know what you are.
Pippin: The White Wiz Dude? Isn’t that - ?
Merry: Saruman.
Pippin: Dude, our luck sucks.
(Treebeard drops them to the ground and they look up to see … a WHITE WIZ DUDE! Huh, go figure.)
Continued in Part 5
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 3
Chapter 11: The Riders of Rohan
(Some unknown amount of time later, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are STILL running around and they STILL haven’t gotten very far. Aragorn crouches down to look at the dirt when they suddenly hear the beating of many hooves. They take cover, a whole split second before a bunch of Random Rohirrim Riders come riding up. Now, wouldn’t think everyone would have seen each other WAAAAAY before now? Are they all frickin blind or something? But anyways, the Random Rohirrim Riders go riding by. Aragorn decides this would be a really good time to get their attention.)
Aragorn: (coming out of the not-so-hidden hiding place) Horse Dudes! Like, you know all your horses are missing a shoe!
(Random Rohirrim Riders turn and circle around the Three Hunters and check their horses’ shoes.)
Random Rohirrim Rider #9: They are not!
Aragorn: Made you look!
Eomer: What kind of moron are you? You think that’s funny or something?
Aragorn: Yeah.
Eomer: Yeah, well, how’s this for a joke: A Man, an Elf and a Dwarf walk into the Riddermark, and I spear em through.
Gimli: That’s not funny.
Eomer: You’ll be first, shrimpy. We can go bowling for orcs with your head.
Legolas: (pulling out arrow) Back off the dwarf, dude! No one insults or threatens him but me.
Gimli: Yeah!
Aragorn: Dudes, chill. Are you trying to get us skewered?
Legolas: You started it.
Aragorn: Did not.
Legolas, Gimli & Eomer: Did too.
Aragorn: Geez, no one here has a sense of humor. What’s that about?
Eomer: What the frick do you want already? And who are you? I want names, bub.
Gimli: I’ll give YOU a name.
Aragorn: (to Gimli) Shut it, man. (to Eomer) I am Aragorn, dude of Arathorn.
Eomer: Not impressed.
Aragorn: This is Gimli, dude of Gloin, and Legolas, dude of the Woodlands.
Eomer: Even less impressed.
Aragorn: Look, bro, I don’t know what your problem is, but we’re buds with Rohan, and with Théoden Dude!
Eomer: Yeah, that’s what you think.
(Removes his helmet to reveal matted up helmet hair. Legolas snickers. Eomer gives him the evil eye. All the Random Rohirrim Riders lower their spears, apparently tired of pointing them.)
Eomer: Theoden’s veggin in a permanent way. Sharkey’s in charge now and he totally banished everyone loyal to the cause.
Aragorn: Sharkey? Dude, I didn’t know you had gangsters down here.
Eomer: (rolls eyes) Sar – U – man. Some old geezer, hooded and cloaked, Striding around like he owns the place.
Aragorn: Oh! Right! Gotcha.
Eomer: Drop the clueless git act, if it IS an act. We so know he’s got spies. (looking at Legolas) There’s definitely something off about you.
Legolas: Dude, don’t hate me cuz I’m prettiest.
(Aragorn has to step in and separate them.)
Aragorn: Look, man, we ain’t no spies, kay? We’re just chasing down some super orcs who nabbed our little buds.
Eomer: The super orcs are fried AND crispy. They wanted a bonfire; they got one.
Aragorn: Huh?
Eomer: We killed em and burned em – duh. Keep up, will ya?
Gimli: But, but… the little dudes!
Aragorn: A couple of annoying little ankle-biters. Did you see em?
Eomer: Like, we don’t waste time looking at what we’re aiming for. What’s the point in that? Shoot to kill, that’s our motto. And we did. We got em all.
Gimli: But, but…
(Legolas manages to look distressed and comforts Gimli. Eomer decides to go easy on them and calls over a couple of horses.)
Eomer: Hasufel. Arod.
Aragorn: No, man, Legolas and Gimli.
Eomer: The horses, retard. (the horses come up and wait) Here, take these. They should be consolation enough for your little buds. The bonfire’s over there. (points to honking obvious smoke trail – notice the complete lack of trees anywhere in the vicinity) Look for your little buds, but don’t hope for much. We never miss a mark, so they’re probably dead. Our bad. Riders! We go North! Pronto!
(Eomer covers up his helmet hair and Random Rohirrim Riders ride off, leaving the Three Hunters behind. They don’t get far before realizing they’re going in the wrong direction and turn around. They go riding past and Eomer manages to scowl at Legolas as he goes by.)
Chapter 12: The Fate of Merry and Pippin
(They come riding up to the big honking bonfire, which is actually no longer a fire anymore. One of the super orc’s heads is standing on a spear. Gee, guess Eomer wasn’t joking about the whole beheading thing was he? They get off their horses, but Gimli’s the only one who actually does any searching. Oh, and notice, there are now a frickin’ bunch of trees all over the place. Now, where’d they come from?)
Gimli: It’s ONE of their belts! They’re BOTH dead!!!!!!!
Legolas: Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath. Man, these super orcs reek!
Aragorn: (has a hissy fit and kicks a helmet) OOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! My toes! (falls to knees in pain, then notices the others giving him weird looks and tries to cover up) Uh, I mean, check it out – a hobbit lay here.
Gimli: Laid DEAD!!!!
Aragorn: And the other one. (points to random dirt spot and audience tries in vain to see ANYTHING)
[And thus beginnings the constant flashbacks. Nighttime again, horse coming down on Pippin, but he rolls at the last minute and saves himself! Way to go Pip! But, um, where’s Merry? Shouldn’t he be right there too?]
Aragorn: They crawled, this-a-way.
[And yep, they’re crawling. Or at least Pippin is. Where the frick is Merry?]
Aragorn: They were all tied up.
Legolas: How can they crawl if they were all tied up?
Aragorn: Um, uh… just their hands were tied up, kay?
Gimli: Why would they tie up just their hands? Wouldn’t you think they’d tie up their legs too?
Aragorn: How should I know? I ain’t into bondage.
Legolas: That’s good to know.
[Pippin, once again, all by himself, is cutting the rope on a conveniently-positioned fallen ax.]
Aragorn: Anyways, where was I? Oh, yeah! (stares at ground again) They sliced the ropes!
[And THERE’S Merry! Lying like a lump on a log, while Pippin does all the hard work. What the heck! Pippin gets his ropes off too, and they run for it, under a horse and dodge a coupla falling super orcs.]
Aragorn: They darted and… dude, someone totally followed em!
[Grishnak grabs at Merry’s belt. Merry gives him the slip by removing the belt. Hey, he DOES have brains!]
Aragorn: They ran away from the fight into… Fangorn Forest.
Legolas: (wigging) Fan girl?!?!?!
Aragorn: FanGORN! Chill, geez.
Legolas: (chilling) Yeah, right. … I knew that.
Gimli: What the frick would they go in there for?
Legolas: Gee, I don’t know, do ya think could it have something to do with the midnight blood bath? Hello!
Chapter 13: Treebeard
(Merry and Pippin are running through Fangorn and, for no apparent reason, fall down.)
Pippin: (looking around) I’m having some massive déjà vu here, bro.
Merry: Focus coz. Do you hear anything? I think we shook him.
(Obviously, they didn’t cuz just then Grishnak suddenly comes outta nowhere. Okay, now, shouldn’t this dude be DEAD? He’s got a frickin’ spear through his frickin’ back, for frickin’ out loud!)
Pippin: Aw, crap. It’s that one Eyelash again.
Grishnak: (seeing them) I’m totally gonna rip you little turds to shreds!
Merry: Scram, bro!
Grishnak: Hey, where you going?
(They run around a bit and hide behind a tree. Hey, if it worked for Frodo against a whole slew of super orcs, it should work against one regular orc, right?)
Merry: This ain’t gonna work. Go up!
Pippin: Up? Up where?
Merry: The trees, dorkus! Just pick one and start climbing.
(They climb up a conveniently nearby tree that just happens to have branches low enough for them to grab onto. Pippin scrambles up and Merry follows him, and for some odd reason, stops only half way up the tree, thinking they’re safe. Retard. He gets nabbed and yanked off the tree. Apparently, regular orcs are both tougher and smarter than super orcs. What the heck! Grishnak pins Merry to the ground, but Merry kicks him in the jaw.)
Grishnak: Ow! Dude, so rude.
Merry: Score one for the little dudes!
Grishnak: You’re so gonna pay for that, you little twerp. (pulls out a monster-sized knife) Prepare to be minced meat.
Pippin: (still up in tree) Dude! Hands off my cousin, you prick!
(Just then, the tree comes to life, totally freaking Pippin out. He has a minor conniption fit and falls. The tree conveniently catches him mid-air, then conveniently squishes Grishnak – SPLAT! – and conveniently misses Merry.)
Merry: What the - ? Dude, I’m sooo outta here!
Pippin: Run, coz!
Merry: Way ahead of you, bro!
(Gets up and runs but obviously doesn’t get very far before getting snatched up.)
Treebeard: Well, golly - little squish toys! How nifty!
Pippin: Aw man, I must be tripping. I thought I heard the tree talk.
Treebeard: Tree? Trees are the swellest, but I’m an Ent.
Merry: Kewl! A shepherd of the forest! Except, forests don’t have sheep. What’s that about?
Pippin: Shhh, bro! I got a feeling we sooo don’t want this one talking too much, you know?
Treebeard: My name is Treebeard.
Pippin: Kay, did we ask?
Merry: Pippin!
Pippin: Oh, um, I mean, sure, that’s … nifty. Um, so, who do you roll with?
Treebeard: Roll! That’s not a nice thing to say to a tree. Trees only roll when they’re chopped down, little squish toy. I knew you were a tree hater.
Pippin: Ok, I’m wigging again.
Merry: Look, Woodie, you’re gonna have to stop calling us squish toys, man. We’re hobbits.
Treebeard: Hobbits! Hob-bits. Ho-bits. Hob-its. No, not familiar with them. Sounds like the squish toy trying not to get squished, like the other one. You come in here and ransack my town and make s’mores! That’s not very nice. I’ll make you hoodlums pay for being mean to my trees. (starts squishing them)
Merry & Pippin: OW! DUDE!
Merry: Come on, bro! For reals – we’re hobbits! Little dudes! Shire-bros!
Pippin: Yeah, what he said.
Treebeard: Squishy squishy!
Merry: No! Bad tree! No squishy the hobbits!
Treebeard: (stops squishing them) I’ll take you to the White Wiz Dude. He’s the smartest. He’ll know what you are.
Pippin: The White Wiz Dude? Isn’t that - ?
Merry: Saruman.
Pippin: Dude, our luck sucks.
(Treebeard drops them to the ground and they look up to see … a WHITE WIZ DUDE! Huh, go figure.)
Continued in Part 5
