The Dude Towers

[gamgee_fics]

Title: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.



Dude of the Rings: The Dude Towers


Chapter 1: The Foundations of Stone

(Opening shot of the Misty Mountains. Notice the complete lack of mist. What the frick? Camera pans around and zooms right through one of the mountain walls, WITHOUT breaking into a bazillion pieces. Suddenly, we’re back at the Bridge of Khazad-Dum scene. Now, either PJ’s suffering from Alzheimer’s and forgot we already saw this scene, or he’s trying to freak everyone out by making them think they’re at the wrong movie.)

Gandalf: Like, hello, I got the secret fire, man. What have you got dude? Nothing, man. You can't pass, so just deal, kay?

(Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff and it conveniently splinters the bridge right at his feet.)


Balrog: ROOOAAARRR! Don’t wave your little pointy stick at me!


(Balrog steps onto bridge, which promptly collapses, and the balrog falls, and Gandalf does a celebratory dance.)


Pippin: You did it! The Incredibly Old Wiz Dude did it!


Merry: Awesome, bro!


Boromir: That was totally narly, Old Wiz Dude!


Frodo and Sam: Totally tubular!


Gandalf: I so rule, bro.


(Just then the Balrog's whip comes up and grabs Gandalf by the ankle.)


Frodo: GANDALF!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Gandalf: Dude, you’re supposed to wait till AFTER I fall to say that. Can’t you do anything right?

Frodo: Oh, sorry, man.

(Gandalf falls)


Frodo: GANDALF!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(Camera follows Gandalf as he falls down the pit and, defying all laws of physics, he miraculously catches up with both his sword AND the balrog even though they have a substantial head start. They fight for what seems like forever, and soon get bored and tired. Oh, and they’re STILL falling.)

Balrog: You know, this could take awhile – ‘bout three days, to be exact. Do you really want to fight the whole way down?

Gandalf: I’m all about conserving the energy. I’ll chill if you chill.

Balrog: Deal.

(Balrog lets Gandalf go. Gandalf resheaths his sword)

Balrog: So, how’ve you been?

Gandalf: All right I s’pose. Been leading around this really annoying group of whiners the last coupla weeks. And you?

Balrog: Oh, well, I was snoozing, till some dude so rudely woke me up.

Gandalf: Hey, that sooo wasn’t me, kay? That was this little dude that followed me in here. I tried to shake him, but he was persistent.

Balrog: Yeah. Riiiight.

Gandalf: No, really.

Balrog: Sure.

(They’re silent for awhile. Gandalf uses the Balrog’s fire to barbeque some hamburgers and hot dogs. They chow down, take a nap, wake up, read the paper, play a game of Monopoly, watch the entire Star Trek movie series. Oh, and they’re STILL falling.)

Gandalf: Now, this may be a completely stupid question, but like, why don’t you use your wings and fly us out of here, bro?

Balrog: What wings?

Gandalf: Those wings.

Balrog: I don’t got any wings.

Gandalf: Yes you do.

Balrog: No I don’t.

Gandalf: Then what are those?

Balrog: What?

Gandalf: Those!

Balrog: I don’t see nothing. You’re cracked.

Gandalf: Dude, I’m not cracked. I know you have wings. I can SEE them.

Balrog: Really? Where?

Gandalf: Right there!!! Attached to your frickin shoulder blades, numb nuts!

Balrog: Dude, is that what those are? Kewl!

Gandalf: (blinks)

Balrog: What? It’s not like there’s a mirror around here or anything – hello!

Gandalf: Mirror? MIRROR?! Stupid, brainless, idiotic, imbecilic, overgrown mutt.

Balrog: Hey! Who you callin’ a mutt?

Gandalf: (looking past balrog and seeing something) ‘Bout time. I hope you can doggy paddle.

Balrog: Huh?

SPLASH!

(Elsewhere, Frodo suddenly wakes up)

Frodo: Gandalf!

Sam: (waking up beside him) Dude, you sooo gotta stop doing that. (yawns)

Frodo: I just had the weirdest dream. I was there, and you were there, but you were a dog, and Gandalf was there, but he was being kinda mean to you.

Sam: And then a big honking tornado came along and swept us all away, right?

Frodo: Yeah! How’d you know?!

Sam: (rolls eyes and lies back down) Go back to sleep bro.


Chapter 2: Elven Rope

(Shot of the Misty Mountains. Oh wait, those would be rocks. Shot of some misty rocks. Frodo and Sam are scaling down one of the rocks using some ROPE. Well, duh, I mean, how else are they gonna get down?)

Frodo: This so isn’t how I remember rock-climbing, bro.

Sam: When did you ever go rock-climbing?

Frodo: Um, never. But Pippin and I did think about it once.

Sam: Wow, you’re like a dare devil or something. Not!

Frodo: Dude, don’t make me come up there.

Sam: So, can you see the bottom yet or not?

Frodo: I sorta got no choice but to look at your bottom. It sorta takes up the entire view. So much for Slim Fast.

Sam: The cliff, man! The bottom of the cliff!

Frodo: OH! That! Um, no, it’s still all foggy. Just don’t look down, kay? I don’t want you hurling chunks all over me.

(Just then, Sam decides it would be a really good idea to slip. He manages to not fall, but a box slips from one of his pockets.)

Sam: Grab it Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Like, why you shoutin’ orders at me, bro?

(But Frodo reaches out and grabs it and, being the immense klutz that he is, promptly falls. Just 4 minutes and 42 seconds into the movie – a new record! Conveniently for him, the bottom of the cliff is just a few feet away and he even manages to somehow land on his feet. Hey, he’s getting better at this.)

Frodo: Ow! My feet!

(Oh brother.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo! You alright, man?

Frodo: Yeah, no thanks to you. This better have been worth it bro. What is it?

Sam: It’s a box.

Frodo: Well, duh. I meant, what’s IN it?

Sam: Oh! Just some seasoning. You know, in case we want chicken some night.

Frodo: Chicken? Chicken?! Dude, do you SEE any chickens running around here?

Sam: You never know. There could be a chicken.

Frodo: You and your ideas. I don’t know. I worry sometimes, bro.

Sam: One day, there’s gonna be a chicken, and when there is, you ain’t getting any salt.

Frodo: Whatever, dude. Look, we gotta get this rope down or someone might follow us.

Sam: Like, who’s gonna follow us down here, man?

Frodo: Hey, if there can be a chicken, then someone can be following us, kay!

Sam: Ok, ok, geez, don’t get your pantyhose in a bunch. But there ain’t no way that rope’s coming down. That’s the rope the Lady Dude gave me, and that’s the most complex knot I know.

(Sam tugs on rope to prove his point. The knot promptly comes undone and the rope falls. Gee, good thing that didn’t happen while they were climbing down the cliff, huh?)



Chapter 3: The Taming of Smeagol

(Later that morning, Frodo and Sam come crawling over a bunch of rocks. In the distance, you can see the mountains bordering Mordor. Gee, now there’s a cheery-looking place – not!)

Sam: Mordor. Remind me again why we’re going there?

Frodo: Cuz we gotta destroy the Ring or something.

Sam: Yeah, but, do we really gotta go there bro? Let’s just not and say we did.

Frodo: We could do that, but I think the others would kinda notice if we still got orcs and junk chasing us around.

Sam: Oh yeah, huh. Stupid orcs. ... But we’re lost anyways, we could still turn back. I sooo don’t think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.

Frodo: Shoot, bro, there’s loads of stuff Gandalf never meant for us to do, but we did ‘em anyway, so why stop now.

(Frodo looks at Mordor again and decides this would be the perfect time to have a minor hissy fit. He sits down and for some weird reason, clutches at his chest. Now since he’s WAY too young to be having a heart attack, despite his high cholesterol diet, there can be only one explanation.)

Sam: You know, bro, if you stopped to clean all the grime and gunk off that ring every once in awhile, it might not be so heavy.

Frodo: Is housekeeping all you ever think about?

Sam: NO! I’ll have you know, I’ve also been thinkin’ of more imaginative ways of using that rope the Lady Dude gave me.

Frodo: Yeah? Any luck?

Sam: Yeah, like, I thought I could practice some lasso tossing, you know, in case we see a chicken.

Frodo: (rolls eyes) That reminds me though, what grub have we got left?

(Sam looks through his pack for some food. Note that they never look in Frodo’s pack for anything. One would begin to think he’s got nothing in there and is making Sam carry everything. How rude.)

Sam: Gee, I don’t know, could it be … (pulls something out) Lembas? Why yes! It’s lembas! And what’s this? More lembas? (pulls it out) A Snickers bar!!!
Frodo: Ooh, let me have some!

Sam: No way, dude, this is mine. Get your own.

Frodo: (big pouty lip and innocent blue eyes) Please.

Sam: Fine, whatever, here. But only half.

(They gobble it down)

Frodo: Mmmm, chocolate.

Sam: Nuggety goodness.

(Rainy night. Shot of some old whacked-up looking hand with long bony fingers. Ok, who let Bob Barker on the set? SECURITY!)

(Next morning. More misty rocks. Now, notice all the mist around the ROCKS. Yet no mist around the MOUNTAINS. Misnamed much? But anyways, Frodo and Sam are STILL walking around.)

Sam: Hey look, our Snickers wrapper. You know what this means?

Frodo: Yeah – we’re going around in circles.

Sam: Oh, yeah, that too, but I was thinking more of a fine for littering. Whadya think the fine for littering will be in Mordor?

Frodo: I sooo don’t want to find out, bro. Maybe you should pick that up.

Sam: (picking up wrapper, suddenly sniffs something) Dude, what’s that funky smell?

Frodo: Gee, I don’t know – two guys hiking non-stop all day without any deodorant or way of showering – it’s probly the bogs.

Sam: Yeah, that’s what I was thinkin’.

(They start walking around again. Sam gets bored and starts singing)

Sam:
The hobbits in the Muil go round and round
Round and round, round and round
The hobbits in the Muil go round and round
All the day long.

Frodo: Not any more we don’t. I’m beat. Let’s snooze bro.

(That night. Frodo and Sam are sacked out at the bottom of some cliff. The Incredibly Skinny Dude with the Really Bad Comb Over makes his first full-screen appearance and promptly begins to steal the movie. Gee, maybe they should have just made ALL the characters CGI.)

Gollum: (scaling down wall and bemoaning his loss of the precious)
Oh! My love, my darling,
I hunger for your touch,
A long, lonely time.

And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still MIIIIIIIIIINE?

Frodo: SHUT UP! We’re trying to sleep here!

Sam: Yeah dude, so rude.

Gollum: I-I-I-I-I NEEEE-EEEEE-EEEEED yooouuur looooove.


Sam: That’s it. Let’s jump him.

(Inappropriately graphic fight scene occurs, ending with Gollum biting Sam and strangling him to the ground.)

Frodo: Oh, no you didn’t. (holds Sting to Gollum’s throat) This is Sting. You’ve —

Smeagol: Sting! We loves Sting! (releases Sam in his excitement) Where is he? Where is he?!
Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light
Those days are over

Sam: Ohmigod, kill him, please!

Smeagol:
You don't have to sell your body to the night
ROOOOOOOOOOXANNE!

Frodo: Shut up man, or I’ll cut you.

Dude Gollum: Dude, that’s just rude.

Sam: Talk about rude much. You bit me!

Hannibal Gollum: Hobbit was yummy. I’ll eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Frodo: Hey, look! He does impressions! Kewl. Let’s take him with us.

Sam: Yeah, cuz nothing can go wrong with THAT idea. Not.

(Next morning. Sam’s dragging Gollum along on the Elven rope. Gollum, obviously not content with stealing just the movie, is also vying for Frodo’s Drama Queen trophy and is flailing about, well, dramatically.)

Smeagol: It burns! It freezes!

Sam: Can you just pick one lie and stick to it already?

Smeagol: No. (writhes and squeals some more)

Sam: Forget this, bro. There’s no way we’re getting into Mordor with this freak. Let’s just tie him up and leave him.

Smeagol: NO! That would kill us!

Sam: Well, duh, that’s kinda the idea.

Frodo: But, he does impressions.

Sam: Yeah – Hannibal Letcher. Not exactly scoring points with me bro.

Frodo: Good point. Let’s leave him.

Hippy Gollum: No way man. We knows more, man, tons more. We promise to lets you hear them all man. Just take off the rope. We’ll do whatever you wants, man. We swears.

Frodo: Yeah? What kind of swear can you make that I can actually trust?

Smeagol: We... we swears on... on the, um, oh, we pinky swears!

Frodo: The pinky swear is binding by The Law of The Dudes. It’ll hold you to your word.

Smeagol: Yes, precious, yes. On the pinkies.

Sam: No way man! Check out his pinkies. They’re all deformed. You can’t trust a swear on those!

Frodo: Ah, come on, bro, don’t be so harsh. Sides, he can bring us to Mordor, right Skinny Dude? To the Black Gates?

Hood Gollum: Sho’, dawg. We got your back. Anyone try anything, we bust a cap in their ass.

Frodo: See! He’s cool. (takes off rope) Lead the way, Skinny Dude.

(Gollum runs off, leading the way. And he keeps talking to himself. Apparently, he’s also trying for an Oscar for Best Actor by pretending to be a mentally deranged psycho path. Someone should really tell him the Academy is too stone-aged to acknowledge a CGI character as a legitimate actor, no matter how much he may deserve it, the stinking gits.)

Smeagol: To the Gates, to the Gates, to the Gates, precious!

Hippy Gollum: No way, man. Never again, I say, never again. We ain’t going back there man. That’s why we tore up our draft cards, precious. We have to protest and stick up for our rights. And if that doesn’t work, we run for the border man.

Smeagol: Yes, to Mordor. Master Dude says so.

Hood Gollum: No, son. BOR-der, dawg. We got to cross the border before them orcs be catchin’ us.

Smeagol: But, we pinky swears.

Bato Gollum: Well, basically, we don’t care, ese. Pendejo and Gordo can take care of their own mess. Leaves us out of it.

Dude Gollum: Totally! No more ashes, bro!

Hippy Gollum: No more dust, man!

Bato Gollum: No mas sed, hom.

Hood Gollum: Yeah, I ain’t going back to working no pits, dawg. Thas bugged out.

Dude Gollum: And the Eye Dude. He always watches us, the frickin perv! (turns around and sees Frodo and Sam watching him) AHHHH!!! (runs away)

Sam: What the frick! How many personalities does this dude have?! And now he’s up and left us. I told you not to be trusting him.

Snoop Dogg Gollum: (reappearing from behind a rock) This way my hozzles, follow the Golzzles!

Frodo: See? He’s helping us. (follows Gollum)

Sam: I’m soooo going to hate this movie.




GF 2/22/2004




Continued in Part 2