Dude of the Rings
May. 15th, 2010 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Dude of the Rings
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 10
Chapter 32: The Pass of Caradhras
(The Dudeship walk up the snow covered mountainside. Frodo trips over his enormous feet – again – and the Ring slips away from him – again. Only this time, it falls on the snow. Boromir picks it up.)
Boromir: I’ve got you, my pretty!
Aragorn: Dude, what are you, like, gay or something? Dudes don’t quote from the Wizard of Oz, man.
Boromir: Huh? Oh, yeah right. Whatever dude.
Aragorn: Yeah, whatever. So, like, give the ring back to Frodo, kay?
(Boromir hesitates.)
Aragorn: Like, hello! Are you deaf suddenly? Give Frodo the ring!
Boromir: Yeah, whatever. Like I really want a girlie-lookin’ ring, anyway. Yeah, as if.
(Boromir gives the Ring to Frodo and they continue on their way. Later on, it’s snowing majorly, and everyone’s pretty much up to their necks, except the hobbits, who wouldn’t even be visible if the Men weren’t carrying them.)
Legolas: Ha ha! I can walk on snow! I so rule!
Boromir: Show off.
Pippin: (to Merry) Dude, like, my butt feels like ice, bro.
Merry: If I get frostbite, I’m so gonna ream Gandalf’s ass.
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiigh! You guys suck.
Legolas: There’s a narly voice surfing the airwaves.
Saruman: (voice only) Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar! Wake up, Caradhras. You, like, got trespassers, man.
Gandalf: It’s Saruman!
Boromir: I have a really bad feeling about this, dude.
(Some rocks fall and almost hit them.)
Aragorn: Dude, so rude!
Gandalf: Totally. Wait! I know something that might work to soothe this savage beast. (gets up on snow – ok, now why don’t the other dudes just do that? – and starts singing) Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith! Hush, little mountain, don’t hear a word of the stupid ugly wizard of Isengard.
(Mountain grumbles and an avalanche topples over them. Now, under real life circumstances, they’d be totally dead, right? But since they’re the heroes, and it’s still really early in the movie – with 2 more to go – they all magically survive.)
Gandalf: Nope, that didn’t work.
Legolas: Bogus. Now my hair’s all messed up. That is sooo not right!
Boromir: I’m so totally sick of this mountain, man. Let’s go through the Gap of Rohan already.
Sam: There’s a Gap in Rohan? Cuz I so need new capris, bro.
Boromir: No, dude. This is a different kind of Gap.
Aragorn: Dude, we can’t go that way – Isengard. Hello!
Gimli: Are you dudes mental? How many times I gotta say it – let’s go through the mines!
Gandalf: Let the Ring Dude decide.
Frodo: The mines, totally. I sooo need to thaw out, bro.
Sam: Thanks, dude. I LOVE you man!
Frodo: Like, I’d hug ya, but I can’t move my arms.
Chapter 33: Moria
(They are walking to Moria through some monsterly huge rocks.)
Gandalf: Frodo, come help out an old man, little dude.
Frodo: Whatcha need, bro?
Gandalf: Do me a fav, kay? Tie my shoes for me. I’d totally do it myself, but I’d probably break my back bending over, and that would suck big time.
Frodo: Aw, man. Again? I just tied ‘em, dude. I’m double-knotting ‘em.
Gandalf: NO! Dude, are you tryin’ to KILL me? That’s like major bad luck, totally evil mojo.
Frodo: Fine, whatever dude. (Bends down and ties his shoes. Double-knots them when Gandalf is distracted by Boromir walking by.) There, all tied up – for now.
Gimli: (coming up from behind them) The walls of Moria!
(They all look at the walls.)
Boromir: That’s it? Dude, those are the butt ugliest walls I’ve ever seen, man.
Legolas: (muttering to himself) Butt ugly walls for butt ugly dwarves.
Gimli: What was that, blondie?
(Legolas ignores him.)
Gandalf: Shut up, dudes and move it, already. Like, we gotta find the door, man.
(They all start looking for the door.)
Pippin: Like, I don’t see it, bro.
Gandalf: The doors are invisible when closed, little dude.
Pippin: Then how are we supposed to find them?
Merry: What’s the point in having a door you can’t see? That’s way lame.
Gandalf: The doors glow when they’re hit by moonlight, kay?
Merry: What’s the point in invisible doors if the moonlight gives ‘em away?
Legolas: That’s dwarf logic for you. ‘Course, it would help if they actually had logic.
Gimli: Keep talking, beauty queen.
Legolas: Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful, butt face.
Gimli: Pansy.
Legolas: Ogre.
Boromir: Dudes, you totally sound like a bunch of old marrieds, you know that?
Pippin: (laughing) ‘Old marrieds.’
(Gandalf finds the door – finally – and reads the inscription.)
Gandalf: “Say the word ‘friend’ in Elvish and the doors will open.”
Merry: Like, what’s that supposed to mean?
Aragorn: Dude, like the dwarves aren’t gonna have the password be ‘friend’ in the language of their enemy. Get real.
Legolas: Yeah, it’s so obviously a trick, dude.
(They all turn to look at Gimli)
Aragorn: Well...
Gimli: Well what? I don’t have the password, kay? I’ve never been here before, hello.
Sam: Dude, like, I thought you said your cousin Balin lives here? Wouldn’t he have told you the password? Hel-lo!
Gimli: Like, we haven’t heard from him since he first moved here, kay?
Boromir: But wasn’t that like a really long time ago, bro?
Gimli: Yeah, so?
Legolas: So? SO? Dude, think about it! Your cousin takes off, like, 30 years ago or whatever to live in a mine of ill repute that’s overrun by orcs, goblins, and who knows what else, and you haven’t heard from him since?
Gimli: Yeah, and?
Legolas: And I think the sunbeams penetrating that big, clunky helmet melted the very few brain cells you were born with. You’re a doofus!
Gimli: (drawing ax) I’m so gonna kill you for that, you blond bimbo.
Legolas: (readies an arrow) You’re the bimbo, bimbo. For real!
Gandalf: I’m soooo tired of saying this, but SHUT UP! I’M TRYING TO THINK!
(They all sit around while Gandalf tries a gazillion different passwords, none of which work. Merry and Pippin get bored and start talking about babes. Boromir throws rocks in the lake – like he does IN THE BOOKS, so deal. Legolas and Gimli give each other dirty looks. Aragorn and Sam let Bill the Pony go.)
Aragorn: The mines are no place for a pony, little dude.
Sam: Bye bye, Bill.
Bill the Pony: Neeeeiiggghhh. I’m sooooo outta here! (runs away)
Frodo: Wow, like, I’ve never seen him run that fast before. Do you think that means something?
(Meanwhile...)
Pippin: (to Merry) So she’s all coming on to me, kay? And I’m like, totally lettin’ her, right? Like I was really gonna stop her. Yeah, right! I mean, she was a babe!
Sam: (coming up from behind) You’re so full of it.
Pippin: You’re just jealous cuz the only babe who’ll grind you is Lobelia.
Sam: You promised never to mention that!
Frodo: Yeah, that was way harsh, dude.
Merry: (laughing) That was sweet, coz.
Pippin: I know. So anyways, she’s got this totally excellent pair of mellons, kay?
(Before he can go further, much to everyone’s surprise, especially Gandalf who is in the process of pulling out his hair, the doors swing open.)
Merry: He did it! Way to go, Old Wiz Dude!
Gandalf: Uh, um, yeah, right dude. I so rule!
Boromir: So, what was the password?
Gandalf: Uh, the password? It was, um, (think, Gandalf, think. I was pulling out my hair, hair has – oh, that’s it!) Grease. Yeah, the password was ‘grease’.
Legolas: Grease? That doesn’t make any sense.
Gimli: (sarcastic) Then by dwarf logic, it should make sense, right?
Merry: Actually it does make sense – if you can’t get a door open, what do you use? Grease right? Grease is the word.
Gimli: (to Legolas) Ha ha! Take that!
Legolas: Whatever dude.
Pippin: (singing)
Grease is the word, it’s got groove, it’s got meaning.
Grease is the sound, is the place, is the motion,
Grease is the way we are feeling...
All the hobbits:
Grease is the word!
Gandalf: Shut UP!
Pippin: What’s your prob dude? Just cuz they wouldn’t cast you as Danny Zuko for the Buckland Playhouse production of Grease is no reason to be bitter.
Gandalf: Whatever dude.
(They all start to enter the mines when a big, way scary tentacled water monster thingy comes outta nowhere and grabs Frodo.)
Frodo: AAAAAAHHHH!!
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Let him go, monster dude!
(Sam hacks at the tentacle and it lets Frodo go. Then a whole slew of tentacles grab him and lift him into the air. Boromir and Aragorn take turns chopping off tentacles and Frodo finally falls. Then Legolas shoots it with some arrows and totally pisses it off. It comes after them and chases them into the mine. The doors come crashing down behind them and lock ‘em inside.)
Boromir: Bummer. Now we’re all trapped and junk.
Aragorn: This sucks.
(Gandalf lights up the room. They see a bunch of rotten corpses lying around with arrows sticking out of them.)
Legolas: Like, I’m not one to say ‘I told you so’ but I told you so.
Gimli: Eh, bite me.
Legolas: You wish.
Gimli: You wish I wished.
Legolas: You wish that I wished you wished.
Gimli: You wish that I wished that I wished you wished. No wait, did I say that right?
Pippin: Ah, stop! You’re hurtin’ my noggin, dudes.
Gimli and Legolas: (together) Well that isn’t hard to do.
Pippin: Shut up, dudes!
Gandalf: This is soooooo gonna be a long four days, man.
Continued in Part 12
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 10
Chapter 32: The Pass of Caradhras
(The Dudeship walk up the snow covered mountainside. Frodo trips over his enormous feet – again – and the Ring slips away from him – again. Only this time, it falls on the snow. Boromir picks it up.)
Boromir: I’ve got you, my pretty!
Aragorn: Dude, what are you, like, gay or something? Dudes don’t quote from the Wizard of Oz, man.
Boromir: Huh? Oh, yeah right. Whatever dude.
Aragorn: Yeah, whatever. So, like, give the ring back to Frodo, kay?
(Boromir hesitates.)
Aragorn: Like, hello! Are you deaf suddenly? Give Frodo the ring!
Boromir: Yeah, whatever. Like I really want a girlie-lookin’ ring, anyway. Yeah, as if.
(Boromir gives the Ring to Frodo and they continue on their way. Later on, it’s snowing majorly, and everyone’s pretty much up to their necks, except the hobbits, who wouldn’t even be visible if the Men weren’t carrying them.)
Legolas: Ha ha! I can walk on snow! I so rule!
Boromir: Show off.
Pippin: (to Merry) Dude, like, my butt feels like ice, bro.
Merry: If I get frostbite, I’m so gonna ream Gandalf’s ass.
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiigh! You guys suck.
Legolas: There’s a narly voice surfing the airwaves.
Saruman: (voice only) Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar! Wake up, Caradhras. You, like, got trespassers, man.
Gandalf: It’s Saruman!
Boromir: I have a really bad feeling about this, dude.
(Some rocks fall and almost hit them.)
Aragorn: Dude, so rude!
Gandalf: Totally. Wait! I know something that might work to soothe this savage beast. (gets up on snow – ok, now why don’t the other dudes just do that? – and starts singing) Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith! Hush, little mountain, don’t hear a word of the stupid ugly wizard of Isengard.
(Mountain grumbles and an avalanche topples over them. Now, under real life circumstances, they’d be totally dead, right? But since they’re the heroes, and it’s still really early in the movie – with 2 more to go – they all magically survive.)
Gandalf: Nope, that didn’t work.
Legolas: Bogus. Now my hair’s all messed up. That is sooo not right!
Boromir: I’m so totally sick of this mountain, man. Let’s go through the Gap of Rohan already.
Sam: There’s a Gap in Rohan? Cuz I so need new capris, bro.
Boromir: No, dude. This is a different kind of Gap.
Aragorn: Dude, we can’t go that way – Isengard. Hello!
Gimli: Are you dudes mental? How many times I gotta say it – let’s go through the mines!
Gandalf: Let the Ring Dude decide.
Frodo: The mines, totally. I sooo need to thaw out, bro.
Sam: Thanks, dude. I LOVE you man!
Frodo: Like, I’d hug ya, but I can’t move my arms.
Chapter 33: Moria
(They are walking to Moria through some monsterly huge rocks.)
Gandalf: Frodo, come help out an old man, little dude.
Frodo: Whatcha need, bro?
Gandalf: Do me a fav, kay? Tie my shoes for me. I’d totally do it myself, but I’d probably break my back bending over, and that would suck big time.
Frodo: Aw, man. Again? I just tied ‘em, dude. I’m double-knotting ‘em.
Gandalf: NO! Dude, are you tryin’ to KILL me? That’s like major bad luck, totally evil mojo.
Frodo: Fine, whatever dude. (Bends down and ties his shoes. Double-knots them when Gandalf is distracted by Boromir walking by.) There, all tied up – for now.
Gimli: (coming up from behind them) The walls of Moria!
(They all look at the walls.)
Boromir: That’s it? Dude, those are the butt ugliest walls I’ve ever seen, man.
Legolas: (muttering to himself) Butt ugly walls for butt ugly dwarves.
Gimli: What was that, blondie?
(Legolas ignores him.)
Gandalf: Shut up, dudes and move it, already. Like, we gotta find the door, man.
(They all start looking for the door.)
Pippin: Like, I don’t see it, bro.
Gandalf: The doors are invisible when closed, little dude.
Pippin: Then how are we supposed to find them?
Merry: What’s the point in having a door you can’t see? That’s way lame.
Gandalf: The doors glow when they’re hit by moonlight, kay?
Merry: What’s the point in invisible doors if the moonlight gives ‘em away?
Legolas: That’s dwarf logic for you. ‘Course, it would help if they actually had logic.
Gimli: Keep talking, beauty queen.
Legolas: Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful, butt face.
Gimli: Pansy.
Legolas: Ogre.
Boromir: Dudes, you totally sound like a bunch of old marrieds, you know that?
Pippin: (laughing) ‘Old marrieds.’
(Gandalf finds the door – finally – and reads the inscription.)
Gandalf: “Say the word ‘friend’ in Elvish and the doors will open.”
Merry: Like, what’s that supposed to mean?
Aragorn: Dude, like the dwarves aren’t gonna have the password be ‘friend’ in the language of their enemy. Get real.
Legolas: Yeah, it’s so obviously a trick, dude.
(They all turn to look at Gimli)
Aragorn: Well...
Gimli: Well what? I don’t have the password, kay? I’ve never been here before, hello.
Sam: Dude, like, I thought you said your cousin Balin lives here? Wouldn’t he have told you the password? Hel-lo!
Gimli: Like, we haven’t heard from him since he first moved here, kay?
Boromir: But wasn’t that like a really long time ago, bro?
Gimli: Yeah, so?
Legolas: So? SO? Dude, think about it! Your cousin takes off, like, 30 years ago or whatever to live in a mine of ill repute that’s overrun by orcs, goblins, and who knows what else, and you haven’t heard from him since?
Gimli: Yeah, and?
Legolas: And I think the sunbeams penetrating that big, clunky helmet melted the very few brain cells you were born with. You’re a doofus!
Gimli: (drawing ax) I’m so gonna kill you for that, you blond bimbo.
Legolas: (readies an arrow) You’re the bimbo, bimbo. For real!
Gandalf: I’m soooo tired of saying this, but SHUT UP! I’M TRYING TO THINK!
(They all sit around while Gandalf tries a gazillion different passwords, none of which work. Merry and Pippin get bored and start talking about babes. Boromir throws rocks in the lake – like he does IN THE BOOKS, so deal. Legolas and Gimli give each other dirty looks. Aragorn and Sam let Bill the Pony go.)
Aragorn: The mines are no place for a pony, little dude.
Sam: Bye bye, Bill.
Bill the Pony: Neeeeiiggghhh. I’m sooooo outta here! (runs away)
Frodo: Wow, like, I’ve never seen him run that fast before. Do you think that means something?
(Meanwhile...)
Pippin: (to Merry) So she’s all coming on to me, kay? And I’m like, totally lettin’ her, right? Like I was really gonna stop her. Yeah, right! I mean, she was a babe!
Sam: (coming up from behind) You’re so full of it.
Pippin: You’re just jealous cuz the only babe who’ll grind you is Lobelia.
Sam: You promised never to mention that!
Frodo: Yeah, that was way harsh, dude.
Merry: (laughing) That was sweet, coz.
Pippin: I know. So anyways, she’s got this totally excellent pair of mellons, kay?
(Before he can go further, much to everyone’s surprise, especially Gandalf who is in the process of pulling out his hair, the doors swing open.)
Merry: He did it! Way to go, Old Wiz Dude!
Gandalf: Uh, um, yeah, right dude. I so rule!
Boromir: So, what was the password?
Gandalf: Uh, the password? It was, um, (think, Gandalf, think. I was pulling out my hair, hair has – oh, that’s it!) Grease. Yeah, the password was ‘grease’.
Legolas: Grease? That doesn’t make any sense.
Gimli: (sarcastic) Then by dwarf logic, it should make sense, right?
Merry: Actually it does make sense – if you can’t get a door open, what do you use? Grease right? Grease is the word.
Gimli: (to Legolas) Ha ha! Take that!
Legolas: Whatever dude.
Pippin: (singing)
Grease is the word, it’s got groove, it’s got meaning.
Grease is the sound, is the place, is the motion,
Grease is the way we are feeling...
All the hobbits:
Grease is the word!
Gandalf: Shut UP!
Pippin: What’s your prob dude? Just cuz they wouldn’t cast you as Danny Zuko for the Buckland Playhouse production of Grease is no reason to be bitter.
Gandalf: Whatever dude.
(They all start to enter the mines when a big, way scary tentacled water monster thingy comes outta nowhere and grabs Frodo.)
Frodo: AAAAAAHHHH!!
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Let him go, monster dude!
(Sam hacks at the tentacle and it lets Frodo go. Then a whole slew of tentacles grab him and lift him into the air. Boromir and Aragorn take turns chopping off tentacles and Frodo finally falls. Then Legolas shoots it with some arrows and totally pisses it off. It comes after them and chases them into the mine. The doors come crashing down behind them and lock ‘em inside.)
Boromir: Bummer. Now we’re all trapped and junk.
Aragorn: This sucks.
(Gandalf lights up the room. They see a bunch of rotten corpses lying around with arrows sticking out of them.)
Legolas: Like, I’m not one to say ‘I told you so’ but I told you so.
Gimli: Eh, bite me.
Legolas: You wish.
Gimli: You wish I wished.
Legolas: You wish that I wished you wished.
Gimli: You wish that I wished that I wished you wished. No wait, did I say that right?
Pippin: Ah, stop! You’re hurtin’ my noggin, dudes.
Gimli and Legolas: (together) Well that isn’t hard to do.
Pippin: Shut up, dudes!
Gandalf: This is soooooo gonna be a long four days, man.
Continued in Part 12
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