Dude of the Rings
May. 15th, 2010 10:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Dude of the Rings
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 11
Chapter 34: A Journey in the Dark
Boromir: Great, now we’re like, stuck in here, man.
Aragorn: Didn’t you already say that?
Legolas: (muttering) Stupid dwarves and their stupid mines.
Gimli: I heard that.
Sam: Enough already. Dudes, can’t you both just get along?
Legolas and Gimli: (together) No.
Gandalf: Come on, bros. We’re gettin’ nowhere man.
(They start walking through the mines. The way is lit by a way groovy light bulb on Gandalf’s staff, and a torch that Aragorn is carrying that came outta nowhere. The hobbits start singing.)
Hobbits:
He’s a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Boromir: That’s getting really depressing in here, little dudes.
(They stop singing. A few minutes pass, during which they just walk.)
Pippin: Oh, I got one! (sings)
Ob-la-de, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra;
Hobbits:
LA LA LA HOW THE LIFE GOES ON!
Aragorn: Shh! Shut your traps, little dudes, before you get us trapped. And then our lives most definitely won’t be going on, cuz we’ll all be dead, kay? Get it?
Hobbits: Got it.
Aragorn: Good.
(They walk some more. Gimli reaches down and pumps up his Air Jordans.)
Gandalf: The dwarves were totally righteous miners. (shows them a mining shaft) They dug up all the mithril and used it to make those little chains that tie the pens down to the desks inside the banks. They’re like, impossible to break.
Pippin: Dude, that’s why we can never snatch the pens.
Merry: Bogus.
Gandalf: They managed to make some way narly mail shirts too. Thorin gave one to Bilbo. I never told the little dude, but that thing’s gotta be worth, like, 10 Bill Gates, bro.
Frodo: NO WAY!
Gandalf: Way.
Frodo: Kewl!
(They walk some more. And some more. And some more. Then, when they get done with that, they keep on walking. Finally, they reach a bunch of doorways.)
Boromir: Which way, wiz dude?
Gandalf: I’m totally clueless, bro.
(They sit around and wait while Gandalf thinks – again. Hey, can he help it if he’s older than dirt and his memory ain’t what it used to be? Geez, give an old geezer a break. Meanwhile, Boromir and Aragorn pull out a deck of cards and start playing Go Fish with Merry and Pippin, while Legolas and Gimli continue to scowl at each other. Frodo and Sam have a contest to see who can chuck a rock the farthest. Frodo lets one rip and it hits something with a thud. The something grunts in pain.)
Frodo: (running up to Gandalf) There’s something down there – and I think I just knocked it senseless.
Gandalf: Then no harm was done, cuz the Incredibly Skinny Dude had no sense to begin with, anyways.
Frodo: Incredibly Skinny Dude? You mean...?
Gandalf: Yes – Gollum. He’s been on our tail since we got here.
Frodo: I should of thrown the rock harder then, man.
Gandalf: That’s harsh punishment, dude, even for Gollum. I mean, other than senselessly murdering his cousin, tormenting his friends and family with cruel jokes, trying to eat your uncle, and giving you away to the Enemy, what’d he really do wrong, man?
Frodo: Yeah, I guess your right. Dude, this adventure blows.
Gandalf: Yeah, it sucks big time. But we must continue on.
Frodo: Why?
Gandalf: Uh, I forget. (He looks at the 3 doorways.) Aw, screw this. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Catch a goblin by its toe. If he hollers, stab him through. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe! We go that way.
(He points to the middle doorway. They all get up and walk – again – and come at last to the heart of the mines – Dwarrowdelf, Dwarf City.)
Sam: (bored) Dude, like, that’s a lot of columns.
Pippin: What?! No Starbucks! Some ‘city’ this is.
Merry: I was really craving a non-fat mocha latte too.
Pippin: With cinnamon?
Merry: And nutmeg.
Pippin: Mmmmmmmm.
Chapter 35: Balin’s Tomb
(They walk some more. Suddenly, Gimli screams like a little girl and goes running hysterically into a side room. They all follow him. Gimli’s bawling over a tomb when they enter. Gandalf reads the inscription.)
Gandalf: ‘Here lies Balin, Totally Righteous Ruler of Moria, Dude of Fundin.’ So he is a goner, just as I feared.
(Gandalf sees a book and for no apparent reason decides to read it.)
Gandalf: (reading from book) ‘So, we were, like, in the seventh hall, when these nasty goblin things come outta nowhere and we were like “DUDE” and the goblins were like “Grrrr” and we were like “aahhhh” and then they chased us into this pitch black room thing here and we were like “eehhh” you know?’
Frodo: Totally.
Legolas: Dude, this makes no sense. Why are we just standing around wasting time? We should be moving, bros.
(His question is answered a few seconds later. Obviously, this is just a scene to allow Pippin the opportunity to do something really stupid, like knock a frickin’ skeleton down a frickin’ well and attract the attention of every single frickin’ orc in Moria. Major fight sequence follows and Frodo gets skewered by a cave troll and totally milks his death scene.)
Troll: Mmmm, Hobbit-kabob.
Sam: (to Troll) Aw, dude, you are SOOOO DEAD!
(Another fight sequence, this one ending with the troll getting kabobbed through his mouth! Ouch. Everyone runs to Frodo, who’s been lying face down this whole time.)
Aragorn: Little dude? (rolls him over)
Frodo: (laughing) Sike!
Sam: He’s alive!
Frodo: I totally had you suckers fooled!
Gandalf: That’s sooooo not cool, little dude. You know, one of these days, you’re gonna be dead for real, and we ain’t gonna believe ya.
Aragorn: But, how’d you survive it bro? Like, you really are Super Hobbit.
Frodo: Super Hobbit with a full mithril jacket. (opens shirt and shows everyone his mithril.)
Gimli: NO FAIR! If anyone of us dudes has a mithril shirt, it should so be me! Hand it over, half-pint.
Frodo: You wish.
Gimli: You wish I wished.
Boromir: Let’s not start that again.
(Suddenly, more orcs can be heard outside.)
Gandalf: Dudes, we gotta mosey! To the Bridge of Khazad-Dude!
Continued in Part 13
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 11
Chapter 34: A Journey in the Dark
Boromir: Great, now we’re like, stuck in here, man.
Aragorn: Didn’t you already say that?
Legolas: (muttering) Stupid dwarves and their stupid mines.
Gimli: I heard that.
Sam: Enough already. Dudes, can’t you both just get along?
Legolas and Gimli: (together) No.
Gandalf: Come on, bros. We’re gettin’ nowhere man.
(They start walking through the mines. The way is lit by a way groovy light bulb on Gandalf’s staff, and a torch that Aragorn is carrying that came outta nowhere. The hobbits start singing.)
Hobbits:
He’s a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Boromir: That’s getting really depressing in here, little dudes.
(They stop singing. A few minutes pass, during which they just walk.)
Pippin: Oh, I got one! (sings)
Ob-la-de, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra;
Hobbits:
LA LA LA HOW THE LIFE GOES ON!
Aragorn: Shh! Shut your traps, little dudes, before you get us trapped. And then our lives most definitely won’t be going on, cuz we’ll all be dead, kay? Get it?
Hobbits: Got it.
Aragorn: Good.
(They walk some more. Gimli reaches down and pumps up his Air Jordans.)
Gandalf: The dwarves were totally righteous miners. (shows them a mining shaft) They dug up all the mithril and used it to make those little chains that tie the pens down to the desks inside the banks. They’re like, impossible to break.
Pippin: Dude, that’s why we can never snatch the pens.
Merry: Bogus.
Gandalf: They managed to make some way narly mail shirts too. Thorin gave one to Bilbo. I never told the little dude, but that thing’s gotta be worth, like, 10 Bill Gates, bro.
Frodo: NO WAY!
Gandalf: Way.
Frodo: Kewl!
(They walk some more. And some more. And some more. Then, when they get done with that, they keep on walking. Finally, they reach a bunch of doorways.)
Boromir: Which way, wiz dude?
Gandalf: I’m totally clueless, bro.
(They sit around and wait while Gandalf thinks – again. Hey, can he help it if he’s older than dirt and his memory ain’t what it used to be? Geez, give an old geezer a break. Meanwhile, Boromir and Aragorn pull out a deck of cards and start playing Go Fish with Merry and Pippin, while Legolas and Gimli continue to scowl at each other. Frodo and Sam have a contest to see who can chuck a rock the farthest. Frodo lets one rip and it hits something with a thud. The something grunts in pain.)
Frodo: (running up to Gandalf) There’s something down there – and I think I just knocked it senseless.
Gandalf: Then no harm was done, cuz the Incredibly Skinny Dude had no sense to begin with, anyways.
Frodo: Incredibly Skinny Dude? You mean...?
Gandalf: Yes – Gollum. He’s been on our tail since we got here.
Frodo: I should of thrown the rock harder then, man.
Gandalf: That’s harsh punishment, dude, even for Gollum. I mean, other than senselessly murdering his cousin, tormenting his friends and family with cruel jokes, trying to eat your uncle, and giving you away to the Enemy, what’d he really do wrong, man?
Frodo: Yeah, I guess your right. Dude, this adventure blows.
Gandalf: Yeah, it sucks big time. But we must continue on.
Frodo: Why?
Gandalf: Uh, I forget. (He looks at the 3 doorways.) Aw, screw this. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Catch a goblin by its toe. If he hollers, stab him through. Eenie, meenie, minie, moe! We go that way.
(He points to the middle doorway. They all get up and walk – again – and come at last to the heart of the mines – Dwarrowdelf, Dwarf City.)
Sam: (bored) Dude, like, that’s a lot of columns.
Pippin: What?! No Starbucks! Some ‘city’ this is.
Merry: I was really craving a non-fat mocha latte too.
Pippin: With cinnamon?
Merry: And nutmeg.
Pippin: Mmmmmmmm.
Chapter 35: Balin’s Tomb
(They walk some more. Suddenly, Gimli screams like a little girl and goes running hysterically into a side room. They all follow him. Gimli’s bawling over a tomb when they enter. Gandalf reads the inscription.)
Gandalf: ‘Here lies Balin, Totally Righteous Ruler of Moria, Dude of Fundin.’ So he is a goner, just as I feared.
(Gandalf sees a book and for no apparent reason decides to read it.)
Gandalf: (reading from book) ‘So, we were, like, in the seventh hall, when these nasty goblin things come outta nowhere and we were like “DUDE” and the goblins were like “Grrrr” and we were like “aahhhh” and then they chased us into this pitch black room thing here and we were like “eehhh” you know?’
Frodo: Totally.
Legolas: Dude, this makes no sense. Why are we just standing around wasting time? We should be moving, bros.
(His question is answered a few seconds later. Obviously, this is just a scene to allow Pippin the opportunity to do something really stupid, like knock a frickin’ skeleton down a frickin’ well and attract the attention of every single frickin’ orc in Moria. Major fight sequence follows and Frodo gets skewered by a cave troll and totally milks his death scene.)
Troll: Mmmm, Hobbit-kabob.
Sam: (to Troll) Aw, dude, you are SOOOO DEAD!
(Another fight sequence, this one ending with the troll getting kabobbed through his mouth! Ouch. Everyone runs to Frodo, who’s been lying face down this whole time.)
Aragorn: Little dude? (rolls him over)
Frodo: (laughing) Sike!
Sam: He’s alive!
Frodo: I totally had you suckers fooled!
Gandalf: That’s sooooo not cool, little dude. You know, one of these days, you’re gonna be dead for real, and we ain’t gonna believe ya.
Aragorn: But, how’d you survive it bro? Like, you really are Super Hobbit.
Frodo: Super Hobbit with a full mithril jacket. (opens shirt and shows everyone his mithril.)
Gimli: NO FAIR! If anyone of us dudes has a mithril shirt, it should so be me! Hand it over, half-pint.
Frodo: You wish.
Gimli: You wish I wished.
Boromir: Let’s not start that again.
(Suddenly, more orcs can be heard outside.)
Gandalf: Dudes, we gotta mosey! To the Bridge of Khazad-Dude!
Continued in Part 13
Tags:
