Dude of the Rings
May. 15th, 2010 09:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Dude of the Rings
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 3
Chapter 11: The Passing of the Elves
(That evening. Sam is cooking. Frodo’s standing in front of the fire doing “that thing” Sam likes.)
Frodo: (singing and doing hand gestures)
The itsy bitsy hobbit climbed up the party tree,
Set off some fireworks they saw all the way to Bree,
Got into massive trouble and grounded till 30,
And the itsy bitsy hobbit never climbed the tree again.
Sam: Dude, do “I’m a Little Hobbit.”
Frodo: Kay. (singing)
I’m a little Hobbit,
Short and fat,
Here is my pipeweed... (he trails off.) Sam, listen.
Sam: I am.
Frodo: No, dude, listen! Wood Elves!
Sam: Far out!
(They run up near the road and hide behind a conveniently placed log. The elves are passing through the Shire-Hood, singing as they go.)
Sam: Dude, like, what are they singing, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: (translating)
I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea;
I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s in front of me.
Sam: That’s a way righteous song, bro.
Frodo: Yeah.
(Later that night. The hobbits are trying to get to sleep, but Sam’s tossing and turning)
Sam: Dude! This stupid rocky ground sucks, bro.
Frodo: Are you, like, gonna do this every night man? It’s highly annoying. Just, like, pretend you’re back home in your big comfy bed.
Sam: (tries to pretend for a whole second, then gives up) Nope, not gonna work, dude. (tosses and turns some more)
Frodo: (under his breath) I’m so gonna throttle you, man.
Sam: What, bro? You say something?
Frodo: No, dude, I didn’t say nothing.
Chapter 12: Saruman the White
(Gandalf rides up to Isengard. Saruman is waiting for him.)
Saruman: Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, seeking my counsel, cuz I’m so frickin’ smart. Aren’t I, dude?
Gandalf: Dude, you sooo rule. (bows)
Saruman: Please, stop.
Gandalf: Kay.
Saruman: Dude, I was being pretend-modest, not for-real-modest.
(Later on, the old wiz dudes are walking around in the garden. Note all the pretty trees.)
Gandalf: All these years, it’s been in the Shire-Hood, under my very nose.
Saruman: Well, you do have a wickedly huge honker, man.
Gandalf: You’re one to talk, dude.
Saruman: So, where it is now, dude?
Gandalf: Don’t worry, bro, I’ve totally got it under control.
Saruman: Oh, really?
(Cut to inside Orthanc. The old wiz dudes are sitting down, completely beat.)
Gandalf: (huffing and puffing) Whew, I like, gotta start working out, man.
Saruman: Pay attention, dude. The 9 have already left Minas Morgul. We, like, gotta act quick on this ring thing, bro. So... where’s the ring?
Gandalf: Like I told ya, don’t worry about it. That’s so not why I’m here. I’ve been wondering – grey is so Second Age, dude. Do you think I should change? To, like, I don’t know, maybe red or something. Red would be awesome.
Saruman: (fed up) I can’t do this no more, dude. I’m, like, so gonna kick your ass!
(Wickedly funny slow-mo fight follows. Funny cuz it’s not really in slow-mo, they’re just too old to move much faster. Saruman rips Gandalf’s staff outta his hand – WHOOSH!)
Gandalf: Oh, crap.
Saruman: (Evil laugh, then starts singing)
I got the magic stick.
I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice...
And I'll show you maaagic.
(What? What?) Maaagic...
(Fight ends then as Saruman uses both of their staffs to send Gandalf flying up the tower of Orthanc. BOOM! Now you know that gotta hurt.)
Chapter 13: A Short Cut to Mushrooms
(Sam walks out of a cornfield onto a path cutting through the field. He looks around and sees he’s all alone.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Like, where’d ya go, man?
Frodo: Dude, I’m like right here. Stop freakin’ will ya?
Sam: Sorry, man. It’s just, Gandalf said if I lost ya he’d kicked my butt majorly and I like sooo don’t want that to happen, dude.
Frodo: You’re such a wuss sometimes, bro. Like, what’s gonna happen here, I mean really?
(Just then, Merry and Pippin burst outta nowhere and plunge into Sam and Frodo, knocking them onto the ground.)
Sam & Frodo: (peeved) Dude!
Pippin: (clueless) Dude!
Merry: (frantic) Dudes! We so gotta haul our butts!
(Everyone gets up and brushes off dirt, when...)
Farmer Maggot: (from somewhere behind them) You little turds! Get back here!
(Everyone splits. They come to a sharp cliff. They all stop, except Sam who isn’t paying attention. He knocks them over and they all go flying over the cliff.)
Hobbits: DUDE!
(They land at the bottom of a massive cliff, conveniently not breaking any bones or even getting the least bit scratched up or bruised.)
Frodo: Ow.
Merry: Dude, my carrot’s all nasty now! That sucks.
Pippin: Mushrooms!
(They look over and see mushrooms. They all run and start gathering them up.)
Merry: Dude, we’re gonna get soooo high tonight!
(Frodo senses something in the air and looks up the road.)
Frodo: Dude, you know like when the hairs on the back of your neck get all prickly-like?
Sam: Yeah. So?
Frodo: Yeah, so, I think we should get off the road, man.
Merry: Whatever, dude. (continues picking mushrooms.)
Frodo: (totally wigging out for no apparent reason) Dudes, get off the road! PRONTO!
(They all jump down an embankment and hide under a tree that has a conveniently sized shelter to fit EXACTLY four hobbits.)
Pippin: Dude, like, I never noticed how small we were before.
Sam: Can it.
(They all quiet down. Horse steps can be heard on the road. The rider dismounts and comes up to the tree and starts sniffing around.)
Ring: Duuuuuuuddddddddddeeeeeeeee!
(Frodo, unable to resist the temptation, starts to put on the Ring. Sam sees him and stops him in the nick of time. Merry tosses the bag of mushrooms, and this is miraculously enough to send the Rider far enough away that they can skid-addle without being seen – or, in this case, smelled.)
Pippin: Dude, I think I just whizzed my shorts.
Merry: Shut up, man. Let’s scram before that weird Black Dude comes back.
Chapter 14: Bucklebury Ferry
(Nighttime. The hobbits are STILL running around.)
Merry: To the ferry, hurry!
Frodo: We’ve been hurrying. Dude, are you sure we ain’t lost, coz?
(Suddenly, a Black Rider comes outta nowhere and lands right in the middle of them.)
Black Rider: (in really high-pitched screech) Duuudddddddddeeeeee!
Pippin: Ow. My ears, man. Want to take it down an octave or two?
Frodo: Shut up and run, dude!
(They run to the ferry and jump on. Merry starts rowing. Frodo manages to be the last one on and has to jump two whole feet of water, which is miraculously enough to keep the Rider from also jumping onto the ferry.)
Black Rider: You will be mine, little dude; oh yes, you will be mine!
(He rides away and is joined by two other Riders)
Pippin: Dudes, we’re so screwed! Who’s bright idea was this man?
Merry: Yours obviously.
Pippin: That was harsh coz. ... And no it wasn’t!
Continued in Part 5
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 3
Chapter 11: The Passing of the Elves
(That evening. Sam is cooking. Frodo’s standing in front of the fire doing “that thing” Sam likes.)
Frodo: (singing and doing hand gestures)
The itsy bitsy hobbit climbed up the party tree,
Set off some fireworks they saw all the way to Bree,
Got into massive trouble and grounded till 30,
And the itsy bitsy hobbit never climbed the tree again.
Sam: Dude, do “I’m a Little Hobbit.”
Frodo: Kay. (singing)
I’m a little Hobbit,
Short and fat,
Here is my pipeweed... (he trails off.) Sam, listen.
Sam: I am.
Frodo: No, dude, listen! Wood Elves!
Sam: Far out!
(They run up near the road and hide behind a conveniently placed log. The elves are passing through the Shire-Hood, singing as they go.)
Sam: Dude, like, what are they singing, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: (translating)
I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea;
I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s in front of me.
Sam: That’s a way righteous song, bro.
Frodo: Yeah.
(Later that night. The hobbits are trying to get to sleep, but Sam’s tossing and turning)
Sam: Dude! This stupid rocky ground sucks, bro.
Frodo: Are you, like, gonna do this every night man? It’s highly annoying. Just, like, pretend you’re back home in your big comfy bed.
Sam: (tries to pretend for a whole second, then gives up) Nope, not gonna work, dude. (tosses and turns some more)
Frodo: (under his breath) I’m so gonna throttle you, man.
Sam: What, bro? You say something?
Frodo: No, dude, I didn’t say nothing.
Chapter 12: Saruman the White
(Gandalf rides up to Isengard. Saruman is waiting for him.)
Saruman: Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, seeking my counsel, cuz I’m so frickin’ smart. Aren’t I, dude?
Gandalf: Dude, you sooo rule. (bows)
Saruman: Please, stop.
Gandalf: Kay.
Saruman: Dude, I was being pretend-modest, not for-real-modest.
(Later on, the old wiz dudes are walking around in the garden. Note all the pretty trees.)
Gandalf: All these years, it’s been in the Shire-Hood, under my very nose.
Saruman: Well, you do have a wickedly huge honker, man.
Gandalf: You’re one to talk, dude.
Saruman: So, where it is now, dude?
Gandalf: Don’t worry, bro, I’ve totally got it under control.
Saruman: Oh, really?
(Cut to inside Orthanc. The old wiz dudes are sitting down, completely beat.)
Gandalf: (huffing and puffing) Whew, I like, gotta start working out, man.
Saruman: Pay attention, dude. The 9 have already left Minas Morgul. We, like, gotta act quick on this ring thing, bro. So... where’s the ring?
Gandalf: Like I told ya, don’t worry about it. That’s so not why I’m here. I’ve been wondering – grey is so Second Age, dude. Do you think I should change? To, like, I don’t know, maybe red or something. Red would be awesome.
Saruman: (fed up) I can’t do this no more, dude. I’m, like, so gonna kick your ass!
(Wickedly funny slow-mo fight follows. Funny cuz it’s not really in slow-mo, they’re just too old to move much faster. Saruman rips Gandalf’s staff outta his hand – WHOOSH!)
Gandalf: Oh, crap.
Saruman: (Evil laugh, then starts singing)
I got the magic stick.
I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice...
And I'll show you maaagic.
(What? What?) Maaagic...
(Fight ends then as Saruman uses both of their staffs to send Gandalf flying up the tower of Orthanc. BOOM! Now you know that gotta hurt.)
Chapter 13: A Short Cut to Mushrooms
(Sam walks out of a cornfield onto a path cutting through the field. He looks around and sees he’s all alone.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Like, where’d ya go, man?
Frodo: Dude, I’m like right here. Stop freakin’ will ya?
Sam: Sorry, man. It’s just, Gandalf said if I lost ya he’d kicked my butt majorly and I like sooo don’t want that to happen, dude.
Frodo: You’re such a wuss sometimes, bro. Like, what’s gonna happen here, I mean really?
(Just then, Merry and Pippin burst outta nowhere and plunge into Sam and Frodo, knocking them onto the ground.)
Sam & Frodo: (peeved) Dude!
Pippin: (clueless) Dude!
Merry: (frantic) Dudes! We so gotta haul our butts!
(Everyone gets up and brushes off dirt, when...)
Farmer Maggot: (from somewhere behind them) You little turds! Get back here!
(Everyone splits. They come to a sharp cliff. They all stop, except Sam who isn’t paying attention. He knocks them over and they all go flying over the cliff.)
Hobbits: DUDE!
(They land at the bottom of a massive cliff, conveniently not breaking any bones or even getting the least bit scratched up or bruised.)
Frodo: Ow.
Merry: Dude, my carrot’s all nasty now! That sucks.
Pippin: Mushrooms!
(They look over and see mushrooms. They all run and start gathering them up.)
Merry: Dude, we’re gonna get soooo high tonight!
(Frodo senses something in the air and looks up the road.)
Frodo: Dude, you know like when the hairs on the back of your neck get all prickly-like?
Sam: Yeah. So?
Frodo: Yeah, so, I think we should get off the road, man.
Merry: Whatever, dude. (continues picking mushrooms.)
Frodo: (totally wigging out for no apparent reason) Dudes, get off the road! PRONTO!
(They all jump down an embankment and hide under a tree that has a conveniently sized shelter to fit EXACTLY four hobbits.)
Pippin: Dude, like, I never noticed how small we were before.
Sam: Can it.
(They all quiet down. Horse steps can be heard on the road. The rider dismounts and comes up to the tree and starts sniffing around.)
Ring: Duuuuuuuddddddddddeeeeeeeee!
(Frodo, unable to resist the temptation, starts to put on the Ring. Sam sees him and stops him in the nick of time. Merry tosses the bag of mushrooms, and this is miraculously enough to send the Rider far enough away that they can skid-addle without being seen – or, in this case, smelled.)
Pippin: Dude, I think I just whizzed my shorts.
Merry: Shut up, man. Let’s scram before that weird Black Dude comes back.
Chapter 14: Bucklebury Ferry
(Nighttime. The hobbits are STILL running around.)
Merry: To the ferry, hurry!
Frodo: We’ve been hurrying. Dude, are you sure we ain’t lost, coz?
(Suddenly, a Black Rider comes outta nowhere and lands right in the middle of them.)
Black Rider: (in really high-pitched screech) Duuudddddddddeeeeee!
Pippin: Ow. My ears, man. Want to take it down an octave or two?
Frodo: Shut up and run, dude!
(They run to the ferry and jump on. Merry starts rowing. Frodo manages to be the last one on and has to jump two whole feet of water, which is miraculously enough to keep the Rider from also jumping onto the ferry.)
Black Rider: You will be mine, little dude; oh yes, you will be mine!
(He rides away and is joined by two other Riders)
Pippin: Dudes, we’re so screwed! Who’s bright idea was this man?
Merry: Yours obviously.
Pippin: That was harsh coz. ... And no it wasn’t!
Continued in Part 5
Tags:
