Dude of the Rings
May. 15th, 2010 09:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Dude of the Rings
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 4
Chapter 15: At the Sign of the Prancing Pony
(The hobbits arrive outside Bree. ... Wait a minute! How the frick did they get to Bree so fast! Conspiracy! CONSPIRACY! ... Um, so anyways, they arrive outside Bree and knock on the gate. Oh, and just to make them look even more pathetic, it’s raining.)
Harry the Gatekeeper: What do you little dudes want?
Frodo: Like, we’re here to stay at the inn, dude.
Sam: Yeah, man, it’s raining, like, torrentially, bro. Let us in.
Harry: Whatever, dude.
(Harry, not being a very good gatekeeper, lets them in without further inquiry, and they head for the Prancing Pony. They conveniently find it without much trouble, even though they’ve never been here before – hmm, hobbit ale-dar? – and enter the inn.)
Frodo: Yo, dude, down here!
Butterbur: Dude! You’re like, so little, man!
Frodo: Do me a fav bro? Tell Gandalf that Underhill is here to see him.
Butterbur: Gandalf? Gandalf? Oh, yeah, the Incredibly Old Wiz Dude. He left here about 6 months ago, little dude. Ran up a monster tab, too. Doofus.
Sam: Now what do we do?
Merry: Duh, we’re like in a bar, man. We get wasted, bro!
(The hobbits sit down and drink. Sam notices someone staring at Frodo.)
Sam: That dude’s like totally checking you out, bro. Perv.
Frodo: Like, he’s just some dark and brooding mysterious stranger who the brain-dead locals don’t trust. Therefore, he’s not a threat. So just chill, kay?
(Suddenly, Frodo hears Pippin at the bar)
Pippin: Dude, like everyone knows Frodo Baggins! And he’s like relations to me dude. I could totally hook you up, bro.
Frodo: Pippin!
(Frodo runs over to Pippin, but he trips on his enormous feet and falls flat on his back. The Ring jumps out of his hands and slips on his finger. He disappears, which totally wigs everyone out.)
Everyone: DUDE!
Pippin: Dude!
Merry: Aw, dude!
Sam: We’re so screwed dude.
Ring: Duuuuuudddddddddeeeeeee!
Eye of Sauron: Peek-a-boo, I see you!
Frodo: Oh crap!
(Frodo yanks off the Ring. Suddenly, someone yanks him from under the table where he’s hiding.)
Strider: Dude, that was soooo not smooth, Mr. “Underhill.”
(Strider pulls him upstairs and throws him into a room.)
Frodo: Dude, what’s your prob, man? Pick on someone your own size. For sure.
Strider: Shut up and listen, little dude. You need to be more careful, man, before everyone figures out what you got.
Frodo: I don’t got nuttin, dude. You’re mental!
Strider: Oh, really. Then what’s with the abracadabra act, huh? I can, like, avoid being seen when I want to man, but to disappear all together, that’s a pretty frickin’ trick.
Frodo: Who are you?
Strider: Are you, like, scared, little dude?
Frodo: Yeah, like, majorly bro.
Strider: Yeah, well not nearly scared enough. Like, I know what’s hunting you, bro.
(Footsteps are heard running up the stairs outside. Strider draws his sword Anduril – oh, wait, that ain’t Anduril. Cheating bastard. So anyways, he draws some stupid little stand-in sword as Sam, Merry and Pippin burst in through the door.)
Sam: Back off him, dude, or I’ll stick you through with this, uh, with this, um (looks around) Yeah, well, I don’t got nothing with me right now, but I’ll waste ya, majorly.
Strider: You’ve got a stout heart, little dude, but that sooooo won’t help your boy. (turns to Frodo) You can’t wait any more for the old wiz dude. They’re coming for you, and dude, are they pissed.
Chapter 16: The Nazgul
(Back at the Gate to Bree. Harry hears a knock and goes to see who’s there. Suddenly, the gate comes crashing down and flattens him. SQUASH! 4 Black Dudes come riding through to the Prancing Pony. They go to the hobbits’ room and start slicing and dicing. *THEN* they pull back the covers. They sliced and diced the pillows, no hobbits to be found.)
Nazgul #2: Duuudddeee! I’m so sick of this stinking *@&^$#*^$&! @#& %#()~& job!
Nazgul #7: You can say that again.
Nazgul #2: Duuudddeee! I’m so sick of this stinking *@&^$#*^$&! @#& %#()~& job!
Nazgul #7: You can say that again.
Nazgul #2: Duuudddeee!...
Nazgul #5: Shut up dudes! We don’t have time to be playin’ around, man. Let’s mosey!
(They leave.)
(Across the street, the hobbits have awoken. Strider is sitting at the window, laughing to himself)
Strider: Black Dudes fall for it every time!
Frodo: What are they?
Strider: Like, they were once men, kay, but then Big Bad Dark Dude gave them some rings and they got, like, all brain washed or whatever. Now they’re his bitches. They are the Ring Dudes, the Nazgul, neither living nor dead, which is kinda weird if you think about it. I mean, how can something not be alive and not be dead at the same time? (gazes off in a stupor)
Frodo: Like, hello? Where’d you go on us, man?
Strider: Oh, sorry, what?
Frodo: Um, never mind.
(Early next morning. Gang is getting ready to leave Bree.)
Sam: Dudes! I found us a pony. Ain’t he cute?
Merry: I don’t even think it’s breathin’ dude.
Pippin: Hey, look, it’s the Grim Pony!
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiiigh. Punk ass.
Pippin: (doing double take) Dude, I think this weed must be laced or something. (takes a drag on his pipe and blows out smoke) Kewl.
Strider: Like, hurry up, little dudes. We gotta get a move on, pronto.
(They start following him, but stay far behind.)
Merry: I don’t know about this, bro. What makes you so sure we can trust this Ranger-Dude, dude? He looks kinda shifty to me.
Frodo: Why do you always gotta question me, man? We can trust him, kay? I mean, look at him. If the enemy wanted to trick us, he would of, like, sent someone good-looking to throw us off our guard. Is this Strider dude good-looking?
Sam: Yeah, kinda. I mean, he’s built, right? He’s got the whole rugged outdoorsy look goin’ for him, all butched up…(stops when he notices Frodo’s glare) Uhhh, no, I mean, he’s like, kinda skanky-looking. Yeah, now that I him see in the full light of day, he’s way skanky. Dude, there’s like, no scale by which to measure his degree of skankiness, man. He’s off the charts. He’s the Skank King of Skank-topia. And hello? Does he ever wash his hair?
Pippin: Dudes, like, while I find this discussion riveting, and in no way inappropriate or uncomfortable whatsoever, like, where’s he taking us, bro?
Strider: (having overheard the ENTIRE conversation) To Rivendell, dudes. To the pad of Elrond.
Sam: No way!
Strider: Way.
Sam: (dreamy-like) Oh, dude, we’re going to see the elves!
Frodo: Big whooping deal. Stupid elves.
(Cut to later that morning. The hobbits are setting up camp.)
Strider: Yo, little dudes, like, whadda think you’re doing?
Pippin: Eatin’.
Strider: Are you mental? We already ate.
Pippin: Are YOU mental? Like, we soooo haven’t had second breakfast yet.
(Strider rolls his eyes and continues on. The other hobbits get up and start repacking.)
Merry: Must not be a fan of second breakfast. Bummer.
Pippin: I don’t know, dude. Maybe he IS evil. How can you not like second breakfast? I mean, really?
Chapter 17: The Midgewater Marshes
(Next day. They’ve entered a swamp.)
Merry: Dude, this is like, totally not good for my complexion. These gnats keep gnawing on my noggin.
Pippin: (falling into mud) This sucks majorly!
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiigh. This blows.
(That night. Hobbits are sleeping. Strider is awake, keeping a look out. He starts to sing.)
Frodo: (waking up) Who’s the babe?
Strider: What, little dude?
Frodo: The babe you’re singing about, dude?
Strider: Tis the ‘Lay of Luthien’ bro.
Frodo: Did she get laid a lot?
Strider: Yeah, dude, she like had an enormous rack. Go back to sleep, little dude.
Frodo: No prob now, dude.
Continued in Part 6
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 4
Chapter 15: At the Sign of the Prancing Pony
(The hobbits arrive outside Bree. ... Wait a minute! How the frick did they get to Bree so fast! Conspiracy! CONSPIRACY! ... Um, so anyways, they arrive outside Bree and knock on the gate. Oh, and just to make them look even more pathetic, it’s raining.)
Harry the Gatekeeper: What do you little dudes want?
Frodo: Like, we’re here to stay at the inn, dude.
Sam: Yeah, man, it’s raining, like, torrentially, bro. Let us in.
Harry: Whatever, dude.
(Harry, not being a very good gatekeeper, lets them in without further inquiry, and they head for the Prancing Pony. They conveniently find it without much trouble, even though they’ve never been here before – hmm, hobbit ale-dar? – and enter the inn.)
Frodo: Yo, dude, down here!
Butterbur: Dude! You’re like, so little, man!
Frodo: Do me a fav bro? Tell Gandalf that Underhill is here to see him.
Butterbur: Gandalf? Gandalf? Oh, yeah, the Incredibly Old Wiz Dude. He left here about 6 months ago, little dude. Ran up a monster tab, too. Doofus.
Sam: Now what do we do?
Merry: Duh, we’re like in a bar, man. We get wasted, bro!
(The hobbits sit down and drink. Sam notices someone staring at Frodo.)
Sam: That dude’s like totally checking you out, bro. Perv.
Frodo: Like, he’s just some dark and brooding mysterious stranger who the brain-dead locals don’t trust. Therefore, he’s not a threat. So just chill, kay?
(Suddenly, Frodo hears Pippin at the bar)
Pippin: Dude, like everyone knows Frodo Baggins! And he’s like relations to me dude. I could totally hook you up, bro.
Frodo: Pippin!
(Frodo runs over to Pippin, but he trips on his enormous feet and falls flat on his back. The Ring jumps out of his hands and slips on his finger. He disappears, which totally wigs everyone out.)
Everyone: DUDE!
Pippin: Dude!
Merry: Aw, dude!
Sam: We’re so screwed dude.
Ring: Duuuuuudddddddddeeeeeee!
Eye of Sauron: Peek-a-boo, I see you!
Frodo: Oh crap!
(Frodo yanks off the Ring. Suddenly, someone yanks him from under the table where he’s hiding.)
Strider: Dude, that was soooo not smooth, Mr. “Underhill.”
(Strider pulls him upstairs and throws him into a room.)
Frodo: Dude, what’s your prob, man? Pick on someone your own size. For sure.
Strider: Shut up and listen, little dude. You need to be more careful, man, before everyone figures out what you got.
Frodo: I don’t got nuttin, dude. You’re mental!
Strider: Oh, really. Then what’s with the abracadabra act, huh? I can, like, avoid being seen when I want to man, but to disappear all together, that’s a pretty frickin’ trick.
Frodo: Who are you?
Strider: Are you, like, scared, little dude?
Frodo: Yeah, like, majorly bro.
Strider: Yeah, well not nearly scared enough. Like, I know what’s hunting you, bro.
(Footsteps are heard running up the stairs outside. Strider draws his sword Anduril – oh, wait, that ain’t Anduril. Cheating bastard. So anyways, he draws some stupid little stand-in sword as Sam, Merry and Pippin burst in through the door.)
Sam: Back off him, dude, or I’ll stick you through with this, uh, with this, um (looks around) Yeah, well, I don’t got nothing with me right now, but I’ll waste ya, majorly.
Strider: You’ve got a stout heart, little dude, but that sooooo won’t help your boy. (turns to Frodo) You can’t wait any more for the old wiz dude. They’re coming for you, and dude, are they pissed.
Chapter 16: The Nazgul
(Back at the Gate to Bree. Harry hears a knock and goes to see who’s there. Suddenly, the gate comes crashing down and flattens him. SQUASH! 4 Black Dudes come riding through to the Prancing Pony. They go to the hobbits’ room and start slicing and dicing. *THEN* they pull back the covers. They sliced and diced the pillows, no hobbits to be found.)
Nazgul #2: Duuudddeee! I’m so sick of this stinking *@&^$#*^$&! @#& %#()~& job!
Nazgul #7: You can say that again.
Nazgul #2: Duuudddeee! I’m so sick of this stinking *@&^$#*^$&! @#& %#()~& job!
Nazgul #7: You can say that again.
Nazgul #2: Duuudddeee!...
Nazgul #5: Shut up dudes! We don’t have time to be playin’ around, man. Let’s mosey!
(They leave.)
(Across the street, the hobbits have awoken. Strider is sitting at the window, laughing to himself)
Strider: Black Dudes fall for it every time!
Frodo: What are they?
Strider: Like, they were once men, kay, but then Big Bad Dark Dude gave them some rings and they got, like, all brain washed or whatever. Now they’re his bitches. They are the Ring Dudes, the Nazgul, neither living nor dead, which is kinda weird if you think about it. I mean, how can something not be alive and not be dead at the same time? (gazes off in a stupor)
Frodo: Like, hello? Where’d you go on us, man?
Strider: Oh, sorry, what?
Frodo: Um, never mind.
(Early next morning. Gang is getting ready to leave Bree.)
Sam: Dudes! I found us a pony. Ain’t he cute?
Merry: I don’t even think it’s breathin’ dude.
Pippin: Hey, look, it’s the Grim Pony!
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiiigh. Punk ass.
Pippin: (doing double take) Dude, I think this weed must be laced or something. (takes a drag on his pipe and blows out smoke) Kewl.
Strider: Like, hurry up, little dudes. We gotta get a move on, pronto.
(They start following him, but stay far behind.)
Merry: I don’t know about this, bro. What makes you so sure we can trust this Ranger-Dude, dude? He looks kinda shifty to me.
Frodo: Why do you always gotta question me, man? We can trust him, kay? I mean, look at him. If the enemy wanted to trick us, he would of, like, sent someone good-looking to throw us off our guard. Is this Strider dude good-looking?
Sam: Yeah, kinda. I mean, he’s built, right? He’s got the whole rugged outdoorsy look goin’ for him, all butched up…(stops when he notices Frodo’s glare) Uhhh, no, I mean, he’s like, kinda skanky-looking. Yeah, now that I him see in the full light of day, he’s way skanky. Dude, there’s like, no scale by which to measure his degree of skankiness, man. He’s off the charts. He’s the Skank King of Skank-topia. And hello? Does he ever wash his hair?
Pippin: Dudes, like, while I find this discussion riveting, and in no way inappropriate or uncomfortable whatsoever, like, where’s he taking us, bro?
Strider: (having overheard the ENTIRE conversation) To Rivendell, dudes. To the pad of Elrond.
Sam: No way!
Strider: Way.
Sam: (dreamy-like) Oh, dude, we’re going to see the elves!
Frodo: Big whooping deal. Stupid elves.
(Cut to later that morning. The hobbits are setting up camp.)
Strider: Yo, little dudes, like, whadda think you’re doing?
Pippin: Eatin’.
Strider: Are you mental? We already ate.
Pippin: Are YOU mental? Like, we soooo haven’t had second breakfast yet.
(Strider rolls his eyes and continues on. The other hobbits get up and start repacking.)
Merry: Must not be a fan of second breakfast. Bummer.
Pippin: I don’t know, dude. Maybe he IS evil. How can you not like second breakfast? I mean, really?
Chapter 17: The Midgewater Marshes
(Next day. They’ve entered a swamp.)
Merry: Dude, this is like, totally not good for my complexion. These gnats keep gnawing on my noggin.
Pippin: (falling into mud) This sucks majorly!
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiigh. This blows.
(That night. Hobbits are sleeping. Strider is awake, keeping a look out. He starts to sing.)
Frodo: (waking up) Who’s the babe?
Strider: What, little dude?
Frodo: The babe you’re singing about, dude?
Strider: Tis the ‘Lay of Luthien’ bro.
Frodo: Did she get laid a lot?
Strider: Yeah, dude, she like had an enormous rack. Go back to sleep, little dude.
Frodo: No prob now, dude.
Continued in Part 6
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