Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 11
Week 12: A Conspiracy Unmasked
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Chosen to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: (stares blankly at camera for several seconds) (blinks) (stares some more) (then…) Save us.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: What happened to them? It’s like they’ve been brainwashed or something.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: How could Gandalf just up and leave Mr. Frodo in the middle of nowhere like that? And the poor old fellow’s obviously in shock. If that Gandalf weren’t a wizard, I’d give him a piece of my mind.
[Cut to Sunday morning. Merry and Pippin have finally finished cleaning the house and putting everything back where it belongs. Sam cleans out the fish tank, then goes and gets a LOT of fish and pours them in there. Then they all go around the garden and set up traps for Gollum. They’re lounging on the living room floor when they hear a car screeching to a stop outside.]
Sam: They’re back! Mr. Frodo’s back!
Merry: What’s with the robes?
Pippin: Cool! They have swords!
Merry: I call the one with the rubies.
Pippin: I call the other one!
Sam: Um, where’s all their luggage? Where’s the other car? And where is Glorfindel going?
[Car peels away, speeding off down the road. The other housemates enter the house and look around dreamily and smiling stupidly.]
Gimli: Home sweet home.
Legolas: (hugging wall) We’ve missed you!
Eowyn: (teary-eyed) It’s so beautiful isn’t it?
Arwen: It surpasses even the beauty of Valinor.
Frodo: It’s almost like waking up from a dream. And yet, it’s also like falling asleep again. It’s perfect.
Boromir: (seeing fish tank) My fish! And are there more of them?
Merry: (uncertainly) A welcome home present.
Boromir: Aw, you two are so thoughtful. Thank you. But I don’t see Twinkle Jr. … Oh well, I’m sure you took good care of him.
Pippin: Yep, we sure did.
Sam: Would you all like something to drink?
Arwen: That’s ok, Sam. I’ll get it. (goes to kitchen)
Everyone else: SAM!!!
Gimli: We owe you our lives, lad.
Frodo: Whatever possessed you to pack a flame torch?
Sam: So you did get stuck in an avalanche and have to melt your way out? (to Pippin) See, and you were teasing me. (to Frodo) You didn’t get frostbite did you Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Oh Sam. (hugs him)
Eowyn: And copies of the car keys. That was just whoa. (hugs him)
Gimli: And the pepper spray. Words escape me.
[Everyone smothers Sam with hugs]
Sam: Ok, getting scared now. And also having trouble breathing.
[Everyone lets go, but they continue to beam down at him. Just then, Arwen comes back with the drinks and passes them around.]
Arwen: And I brought you two ales, Sam. If I didn’t have a boyfriend, and you weren’t so short… (bends down and kisses Sam on the cheek)
Sam: (blushing furiously) Thank you Miss Arwen, but you should know I’m engaged myself.
Everyone: You are?!
Frodo: You never told me you and Rosie got engaged. Congratulations! (hugs Sam again)
Legolas: Why does Frodo still get to hug him?
Merry: Ok, ok ok OKAY! What in Middle-earth happened to you people?
Pippin: Yeah, cuz you’re kind of freaking us out. Just a little.
Boromir: Well, the details are starting to get a little fuzzy, but I do know there was Pong…
**********
[Housemates quickly fill in the hobbits on as many details of their trip as they can bear to relive, then go to change out of their robes. Glorfindel comes back near supper and the housemates go out to celebrate their newfound freedom. Merry and Pippin decide to hold off the shampoo prank till everyone’s back to normal, but after a couple of days, that doesn’t look about to happen anytime soon. Everyone is getting along EXTREMELY well and are WAY too happy all the time. Then the girls get into the Yuletide spirit and start decorating the house. Arwen puts up some mistletoe. Gimli is there instantly. Arwen kisses both cheeks.]
Gimli: I shall never wash these cheeks again.
Arwen: Then I shall never kiss them again.
[Gimli goes to wash face, but Boromir grabs him to help decorate the tree outside with the hobbits, but not before getting a kiss of his own from Eowyn. Gimli and the hobbits climb up the tree and Boromir throws the decorations and lights up to them. Glorfindel does his share of decorating by taking down all the pictures and replacing them with portraits of himself on Yuletides past. Legolas helps him.]
Legolas: Oh, this is good one. You look very robust.
Glorfindel: I know.
Legolas: But I think it would look better over the mantelpiece.
Glorfindel: Right you are! Let’s move it.
[They move the portrait into the living room. Merry and Pippin come around corner and watch them walk off with a mixture of amazement and downright fear.]
Merry: That’s it. This episode of the Twilight Zone has gone on long enough. We do it tonight.
Pippin: Are you sure? Maybe we should wait longer. Give them more time?
Merry: No, our friends are out there. They need our help, a nice, good shock to snap them out of it... The shampoo and body soap are back in position?
Pippin: Yes, I checked this morning.
Merry: Good. I’ll go get what we need. Look for my coming at five in the morning. At dawn, look to the east.
Pippin: (rolling eyes) Will you stop being so dramatic.
Merry: No, desperate times call for desperate measures. That means drama. I shall return! (leaves)
**********
[Next morning. Housemates are downstairs, making breakfast. Sam tries to supervise, but everyone insists on waiting on him, much to his discomfort. Glorfindel is in the shower, singing away and steaming up all the mirrors yet again. Merry and Pippin are in their room, waiting expectantly. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door and Legolas comes in.]
Legolas: There you are. I finally get a word with you.
Merry: A word about what?
Legolas: Glorfindel.
Merry: Say no more. He’s taken care of.
Legolas: (frowning) Why? What have you done?
Pippin: It’s a surprise.
Legolas: (panicking) NO! No surprises! Surprises aren’t good!
Merry: Why not?
Legolas: He was surprised by the resort. He didn’t know we were going there. It did strange and frightening things to him. It was unnatural.
Pippin: Well, he seems fine now.
Legolas: But he’s not. I can tell. He’s ready to snap at any moment… Besides, he’s really not so bad once you get to know him. So whatever kind of prank you have planned, you can’t do it.
Frodo: Prank?
[They all turn around to see Frodo and Sam, standing in the doorway. They had come in unnoticed. Frodo is looking at them suspiciously.]
Frodo: What are you talking about?
Merry, Pippin and Legolas: Nothing.
Frodo: Are you planning another prank on Gandalf? I thought we had already discussed this.
Legolas: Not Gandalf. It’s Glorfindel.
Merry and Pippin: SHHH!
Frodo: (panicking also) Glorfindel? Are you mad?
Merry: No, you are! All of you! You’re acting weird, like zombies or something. You needed a shock.
Frodo: MERRY! You can’t play a prank on him! Don’t you know who Glorfindel is?!
Pippin: A high elf lord who slew a balrog and yet is afraid of bunnies.
Legolas: He’s afraid of bunnies? For real?
Pippin: (laughing) Yeah, you should have been there; it was sweet.
Frodo: (livid) You’ve does this before? And you played on one of his fears?
Merry: Well, um…
Frodo: (breathes deeply to calm himself) Look, whatever prank you have planned you’re not going to do it.
Pippin: But…
Frodo: No. You are in over your heads. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. This can get really bad really quick. And I have a feeling that after last week, he won’t be taking anymore guff from anyone, even if he is acting ‘normal’. You didn’t see how he was behaving last week. You haven’t seen his true face.
Merry: Yes, but…
Frodo: No. I don’t want to hear it. There are things going on here of which you do not comprehend. This is bigger than any of your petty little excuses, and I won’t be able to help you. Besides, Glorfindel has been nothing but kind to you, and this is no way to repay him.
Pippin: Ok, but…
Frodo: Forget it.
Merry: Will you PLEASE just listen! … We can’t undo the prank. It’s already done.
Legolas: What do you mean?
Sam: Shh! Listen.
[They all listen and can hear the shower turn off, and Glorfindel whistling away. Pippin quickly runs over and closes bedroom door as steam starts bellowing into the hallway from the opening bathroom door. They listen as Glorfindel walks past the room and down the stairs. Several tense moments pass, then…]
Glorfindel: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MY HAIR!! MY SKIN!! (then, VERY angrily) LEGOLAS!
Merry: So, maybe it was a bad idea after all.
Frodo: You stay here. I’ll deal with you later. Come on, Legolas.
Legolas: Can’t I stay too?
[Frodo just gives him a look. They both head downstairs, where the other housemates are standing around in shock. They reach living room and…]
Legolas: By Eru. What in the…?!
Frodo: Glorfindel?
[Glorfindel turns to face them. His skin is a deep purple and his hair is bright green. And he looks PISSED]
Glorfindel: (to Legolas) You! You have gone too far this time.
Legolas: (speechless)
Glorfindel: (draws a sword) You will pay for this. You’re dead!
[Glorfindel starts to advance on Legolas, but Frodo stands in the way.]
Glorfindel: Get out of the way, Frodo.
Frodo: I’m afraid I can’t do that… because it was me.
Glorfindel: I don’t have time for this Frodo.
Frodo: No, I am the responsible one, for everything. Your present condition… the rabbits, everything.
[Everyone just stares at him, shocked. Glorfindel sizes him up, thinking.]
Glorfindel: The rabbits? How did you know about that?
Frodo: I have no excuse. I am sorry.
Glorfindel: Answer the question. How did you know?
Frodo: You are afraid of them.
Glorfindel: You knew about that? How? Who told you?
[Frodo doesn’t answer. They stare at each other for several tense moments and almost seem to come to some sort of understanding. Then Glorfindel advances yet again. He grabs Frodo off the ground and holds him up.]
Glorfindel: If this is how you want it, fine. Rest assured I shall repay you for your kindness. This isn’t over, Halfling.
Frodo: I know.
[Glorfindel lets him drop to the ground, then stalks off down the hall. Everyone waits till the back door slams, then breathes sighs of relief. Boromir helps Frodo up.]
Boromir: Are you all right?
Frodo: I’ll be fine, but I know a couple of other hobbits who will not be so fine.
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs.]
Sam: Now you’ve done it!
Merry: We are so screwed.
Pippin: I knew the body soap was going too far.
Merry: It was your idea!
Pippin: Yeah, well, since when do you listen to me!
Sam: You both deserve whatever you got coming.
Merry: Hey, you got blood on your hands too.
Pippin: Yeah, if we’re going down, we’re taking you with us.
Sam: Wait, how did you know where the soap was?
Merry: We can spy too you know.
**********
[Cut to Elrond’s main conference room. Glorfindel is pacing back and forth furiously. He’s glowing like some bizarre neon sign. Elrond is trying desperately not to laugh as Glorfindel vents.]
Glorfindel: This is it. I’ve had it. I’m through. I’ve done what you wanted me do to. They all like each other. They’re getting along. No more. I mean, look at me! I look like Barney! And will you STOP laughing! This isn’t funny!
Elrond: Oh, come on. You knew the dangers when you accepted the job.
Glorfindel: No, I didn’t. You lied. I had no idea they were this diabolical.
Elrond: It was a minor oversight.
Glorfindel: Oversight? OVERSIGHT?! No, no, my dear Elrond. Itching powder, that’s an oversight. Blue dye on plate ware. That is an oversight. But THIS! This is, it’s… it’s beyond even the evil of Sauron! I’m purple! And look, green! It’s GREEN! (pulls off wig, revealing his natural straight, blond hair) I paid good money for this too! (throws wig into corner and resumes pacing) I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.
Elrond: Fine, fine. We’ll tell them.
Glorfindel: We had better. Cuz I’m seriously ready to kill them. And if I had to act like that Lockhart git for one more second, I’d have killed myself. No wonder they hate me… No, correction. They used to hate me. Now, they actually like the Lockhart act. It’s nauseating.
Elrond: But it worked.
Glorfindel: No it didn’t! This whole “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” thing was a horrible idea. It didn’t stop them from fighting. The only thing they agreed on was ganging up on me… Though I’ll give you thumbs up for the Barrow Downs, as cruel as that was. I hope Tom and Goldberry aren’t too upset about us beating them up. I didn’t know.
Elrond: They’re good sports.
Glorfindel: Still, you should have warned me. It threw me. Everyone seems to be chalking it up to the Barrow Downs, but I’m positive Frodo’s figured it. He’s been suspicious for awhile.
Elrond: Of course he has. He’s a Baggins. But enough of this for now. I’ll get this soap analyzed and see if there isn’t anything to can take the dye out. You just go rest. And then we’ll go back and have a talk with our housemates.
Glorfindel: (expectantly) Can I be the one to tell them?
Elrond: Sure, you’ve earned it. Especially after the rabbit episode. I still can’t believe it...
Glorfindel: I know. He had me completely fooled. It’s always the quiet ones… But it explains everything, doesn’t it? (shudders, then sighs deeply) I’ll be in my room. Let me know as soon as you find out about the soap.
[Glorfindel throws cloak over himself and leaves. Elrond finally cracks up.]
**********
[Cut back to Real World house, a couple of days later. Housemates are still recovering from their earlier shock. If they weren’t so nervous about Glorfindel showing up, they would actually find it funny. As it is, they’re walking around on pins and needles. Eowyn and Arwen have abandoned food for ice cream and are making steady progress on the gallon tub of Chocolate Mint Fudge in the freezer. Gimli has his ax at the ready, just in case. Legolas goes around the house, looking out the windows. Boromir decides to distract himself by feeding the fish and naming the new ones. He’s halfway through when he notices something odd.]
Boromir: Wait a minute! Where’s Twinkle Jr.?! Where is he! Hey, these are all new fish! Merry! Pippin! (goes storming upstairs)
Gimli: Ok, I’m going to ask. What is it with him and the fish?
Legolas: We don’t know, and we don’t ask.
[Legolas and Gimli decide to get some fresh air and go outside in the garden. Pan up house to window of hobbits’ room. The hobbits are there talking, though Merry and Pippin look like they’re in detention.]
Frodo: Sam, I’ve been wondering, where did you get that flame torch from?
Sam: Oh, I found that out in the barn one day when I was cleaning it for Bill.
Frodo: And the spare car keys?
Sam: Well, Gandalf gave me those.
Merry: Gandalf? Why would he do that?
Sam: (shrugs) Don’t rightly know. He just told me to pack em up someplace you’d be likely to find them. I thought it was curious myself, but I know better than to question the way of wizards.
[Frodo’s mulling this over and seems ready to ask something else, but just then Boromir crashes into the room. Merry and Pippin hide behind Frodo and Sam.]
Boromir: Twinkle Jr.! Where is he?!
Pippin: We’re sorry. We were going to tell you eventually.
Boromir: What happened to him?
Merry: It was that Gollum creature. He’s back. He crashed our party and killed all your fish.
Frodo: Great. That’s just what we need now. Where is he?
Sam: Don’t know. But don’t worry; I chased him off. And we put up traps all around the garden in case he comes back.
[Just then, they all hear something breaking in the garden. Gimli lets out a yelp and they can hear Legolas telling him to stop moving. They go over to the window and see Gimli swinging upside down by his ankle near the garden wall. Legolas gets his bow and arrow and shoots him down.]
Sam: Though I guess we should have told you that before now.
Frodo: Could things possibly get any worse?
[Cut to downstairs. Elrond and Glorfindel enter the front door. Glorfindel is now back to normal skin tones and looking around happily. He sees the girls and chauffeurs them into the living room. Arwen is relieved to see everything back to normal, but Eowyn is suspicious. He warns her to be quiet, then goes through the house, looking for everyone else. He finds Legolas and Gimli and sends them to the living room.]
Legolas: I’ll get Boromir and Frodo.
Glorfindel: No, you’ll go into the living room. I’ll get the others. Are they upstairs? And don’t even attempt to yell and warn them.
Legolas: I wasn’t going to do that… But um, I think they’re in Boromir’s room.
Glorfindel: Yeah, I’m sure they are.
[He goes upstairs and runs into Boromir in the hallway. They have a similar exchange. Boromir eventually gets sent down to the living room. Glorfindel continues to the hobbits’ room. He doesn’t even knock, just opens the door. He catches them all, and they freeze, shocked.]
Glorfindel: Well, well, well. Look who we have here. If it isn’t my lovely bunch of coconuts, the conspirators behind all these schemes. Now, let me see if I’ve got you all figured out right. Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. Correct? (they nod) You’re wanted downstairs.
[He leaves]
Pippin: He knows?
Merry: We are so dead.
Sam: But how?
Frodo: (looking more tired than surprised) I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. Come on.
[The hobbits go downstairs and join everyone else in the living room. Everyone waits nervously and confusedly, except Arwen who is examining her hair for split ends.]
Glorfindel: This meeting will be short, but sweet. So very, very sweet. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Elrond?
Elrond: The plan was simple. Gather together potential Quest members and potential allies and see if they have what it takes to work together. But it was two-fold in that it helped us to flush out Saruman, whom we had suspected for some time to have ulterior motives. So we brought him in to replace Glorfindel.
Boromir: I thought Arwen replaced Glorfindel.
Elrond: Don’t interrupt… Now, everything went according to plan, except for one small snag – and that would be the rest of you. You couldn’t get along to save yourselves, much less all of Middle-earth. So, I went to Plan B.
Eowyn: Let me guess.
Glorfindel: You only get one.
Legolas: So this was all a set up?
Elrond: Of course it was. Do you honestly think I would have let you get away with half the things you did if it wasn’t? But there was an oversight. And that would be them.
[Elrond and Glorfindel glare down at the hobbits, who squirm uncomfortably.]
Glorfindel: An oversight indeed. Not that they were still here. We of course knew that. I mean, come on. Even if you all actually did look alike, you all have different accents, and you’re even color-coordinated. Merry wears yellow, Pippin wears blue, Frodo wears red, and Sam wears whatever color that’s supposed to be. Came in quite handy actually.
Pippin: You could tell us apart all along?
Glorfindel: Do you really think I could have forgotten you after you threw up all over the cab?
Pippin: I get carsick.
Glorfindel: I’ll remember that. And to answer your question: Yes, I could. Really, I was actually surprised that you could be so easily duped. I have seen every single one of you before, which you perfectly well knew. For that reason, I wasn’t sure it would work, and I was certain Elrond’s plan would fail. But you’re all much more stupid than I thought you were. You fell for it instantly. All of you. Well, almost all of you, but I’ll get to that later. And so the conspiracy continued as planned. For we needed to know. What would you do if you thought the hobbits were in danger of being found out, if you thought Frodo’s support would be taken from him? Would you protect them? Let them be discovered? Turn them in? In this test, you all passed remarkably well. But that snag kept coming up. You just would not get along. Elrond had thought that if you had a common “enemy” you would come together, and it did work to a certain extent. You all certainly had no trouble letting all sorts of foul things befall me. But that was really my folly, wasn’t it? For I thought Legolas was behind it all, and while he certainly had a hand in it, it wasn’t until this morning I realized who the real troublemakers were. Frodo? Who told you I was afraid of rabbits?
Frodo: It was Pippin.
Glorfindel: Pippin? Or Merry and Pippin to be exact, as I suspected. They were the ones doing everything, which makes sense now that I think of it. I was always on guard around them of course, as much as possible anyway without raising suspicion; Gandalf had warned me not to underestimate them. I suspected that Legolas possibly had their help in some of it, especially after Pippin’s little suggestion about the cod liver oil. But I had it backwards didn’t I? You were wise to use Legolas as your alibi. You were wiser still to use Sam as your spy. So unassuming, so innocent-seeming, just Frodo’s valiant protector. No harm there. Why wouldn’t I open up to him?
Frodo: Now hold on just a minute. You have some nerve blaming Sam for any of this. Spy, indeed.
Glorfindel: But he has to be. He’s the only one who knew where I kept the shampoo. And when you mentioned the rabbits this morning Frodo, it occurred to me that the only one here who knew of my fear of those disgusting overgrown rodents was Sam.
Frodo: I don’t believe you. Sam, tell him it’s not true.
Sam: (looking at feet) I’m sorry Mr. Frodo, but he’s right. I was helping Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin.
Frodo: What? No.
Sam: Yes, I was. But only because I thought Mr. Glorfindel was trying to get you kicked out of the house. He blamed that food fight on you, and then Mr. Elrond said he would make you leave.
Frodo: No he didn’t! He said he would have to reconsider my position in the house, not that he was going to take me out of it.
Elrond: And Glorfindel never blamed anything on Frodo. He took full blame for the food fight as he easily could have stopped it after that first throw, but being partial to food fights he decided to let it escalate. But it wouldn’t have done to let him take the fall, not considering what we were attempting to accomplish here. So I had a talk with Frodo, since clearly I could not talk to Merry the Instigator, and he took the blame. There was little reason for me to question anyone else any further.
Boromir: Wait, wait, this is going too fast for me. You need to back up. Now, Saruman was brought in to flush him out, I get that. But why not have Glorfindel here at the beginning? Why replace him with Arwen?
Arwen: Weren’t you listening? I didn’t replace him, Saruman did. I just told you that I replaced him so that if he did have to be brought in later, it wouldn’t look suspicious. I was always supposed to be here, to throw Saruman off. Daddy wouldn’t put his little girl into a house with a suspected enemy, now would he? I took away any possibly perceived threat. Otherwise, Saruman would have been too guarded to show his true colors.
Eowyn: You were in on this?! But you were just in there eating ice cream with me!
Arwen: Well, I was nervous! I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I’ve never seen Glorfindel that upset before. (to Pippin) I told you not make him angry!
[Pippin hides behind Merry, who’s hiding behind Boromir.]
Legolas: All right then. So Saruman’s discovered and leaves. Gollum runs away. There’s two vacancies. Why not bring in Glorfindel then?
Elrond: Because you had already voted the hobbits into the house, and I was actually quite interested to see what would come of it.
Gimli: So you waited until after the Council Meeting and then brought in your advisor to test our resolve.
Glorfindel: Precisely. And Arwen was a great help there, pretending to go along with your little pranks. For you had nothing to fear as long as she was part of things, did you? You really deserve an Oscar for that performance. I was quite impressed.
Arwen: You did an astounding job yourself. But I’m still mad at you about the Barrow Downs Daddy. You should have warned us.
Elrond: Oh, stop pouting. You were never in any danger. And all your belongings arrived this morning with Gandalf.
Frodo: Gandalf. He knew too of course. He probably even suggested the Barrow Downs, and he took Glorfindel’s key so we wouldn’t be able to leave. But he insured we had a spare for when we needed it. He knew Glorfindel would find a way out. It all makes sense now.
Glorfindel: And he knew you would come to me with the keys. How long have you suspected me, Frodo?
Frodo: Since Bilbo questioned why we thought you couldn’t tell us apart. It was obvious he knew that you already could.
Merry: Wait. You knew too?!
Frodo: No, I didn’t know. Not for certain. Not till the Barrow Downs. You’re a good actor Glorfindel, but even you got taken by surprise. You behaved then as I knew was normal for you. And all this was clearly an act. But I still didn’t know why, not till now. You did it for my benefit and you were repaid with cruel pranks by my cousins. And you trusted Sam because I did. I am sorry also. This is all my fault.
Sam: No it isn’t. It’s my fault. I should have told you what they were planning.
Frodo: Yes, you should have. But you didn’t. How could you lie to me Sam? (starts to leave)
Sam: But Frodo…
Frodo: No, Sam, you don’t get out of this. All three of you will be going home in the morning. Now if you’ll excuse me, I wish to be alone. (goes upstairs)
Elrond: Another snag. We need to stop running into those. But we’ll sort it out in the morning. Come on Glorfindel. Let’s go.
Legolas: Wait, you’re not staying?
Glorfindel: Hell no! I’m out of this place.
Legolas: But… you just got cool.
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs. Frodo is pacing in a wide circle, lost in thought, so he doesn’t notice a soft padding behind him. He finally plops down on the mattress and stares at his hands, still thinking. Then he feels something at his neck and swats it away. It comes back, so he swats it away again. Then he feels what is unmistakably someone’s fingers trying to get at the chain around his neck. He freaks.]
Frodo: SAM!!!
[He jumps up startled and turns around in time to see something dart through the open window. Sam is there a split second later.]
Sam: What is it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: There was something in here.
[The rest of the housemates, Elrond and Glorfindel come into the room to see what the matter is, but just then, something snaps outside, and something lets out a squeal.]
Merry: Gothca!!
[Everyone runs downstairs and into garden. Swinging from another tree is…]
Boromir: Gollum. Can I kill him?
Sam: Sure.
Elrond: No. Get him down and bring him inside.
[Glorfindel cuts him down, making sure to keep enough of the rope to use as a lead. They all go inside, Gollum pushed in front. They gather around the kitchen table.]
Glorfindel: So this is Gollum?
Pippin: Oh, that’s Gollum! Why didn’t you say so?
Merry: Pippin!
Gollum: We just wants the precious. (starts crying)
Sam: Well, too bad, you can’t have him.
Frodo: I think he was talking about the ring.
Sam: Well, you can’t have that either.
[Gollum starts bawling.]
Boromir: Oh, shut up.
Glorfindel: Oh bother.
Continued in Week 13
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 11
Week 12: A Conspiracy Unmasked
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Chosen to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: (stares blankly at camera for several seconds) (blinks) (stares some more) (then…) Save us.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: What happened to them? It’s like they’ve been brainwashed or something.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: How could Gandalf just up and leave Mr. Frodo in the middle of nowhere like that? And the poor old fellow’s obviously in shock. If that Gandalf weren’t a wizard, I’d give him a piece of my mind.
[Cut to Sunday morning. Merry and Pippin have finally finished cleaning the house and putting everything back where it belongs. Sam cleans out the fish tank, then goes and gets a LOT of fish and pours them in there. Then they all go around the garden and set up traps for Gollum. They’re lounging on the living room floor when they hear a car screeching to a stop outside.]
Sam: They’re back! Mr. Frodo’s back!
Merry: What’s with the robes?
Pippin: Cool! They have swords!
Merry: I call the one with the rubies.
Pippin: I call the other one!
Sam: Um, where’s all their luggage? Where’s the other car? And where is Glorfindel going?
[Car peels away, speeding off down the road. The other housemates enter the house and look around dreamily and smiling stupidly.]
Gimli: Home sweet home.
Legolas: (hugging wall) We’ve missed you!
Eowyn: (teary-eyed) It’s so beautiful isn’t it?
Arwen: It surpasses even the beauty of Valinor.
Frodo: It’s almost like waking up from a dream. And yet, it’s also like falling asleep again. It’s perfect.
Boromir: (seeing fish tank) My fish! And are there more of them?
Merry: (uncertainly) A welcome home present.
Boromir: Aw, you two are so thoughtful. Thank you. But I don’t see Twinkle Jr. … Oh well, I’m sure you took good care of him.
Pippin: Yep, we sure did.
Sam: Would you all like something to drink?
Arwen: That’s ok, Sam. I’ll get it. (goes to kitchen)
Everyone else: SAM!!!
Gimli: We owe you our lives, lad.
Frodo: Whatever possessed you to pack a flame torch?
Sam: So you did get stuck in an avalanche and have to melt your way out? (to Pippin) See, and you were teasing me. (to Frodo) You didn’t get frostbite did you Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Oh Sam. (hugs him)
Eowyn: And copies of the car keys. That was just whoa. (hugs him)
Gimli: And the pepper spray. Words escape me.
[Everyone smothers Sam with hugs]
Sam: Ok, getting scared now. And also having trouble breathing.
[Everyone lets go, but they continue to beam down at him. Just then, Arwen comes back with the drinks and passes them around.]
Arwen: And I brought you two ales, Sam. If I didn’t have a boyfriend, and you weren’t so short… (bends down and kisses Sam on the cheek)
Sam: (blushing furiously) Thank you Miss Arwen, but you should know I’m engaged myself.
Everyone: You are?!
Frodo: You never told me you and Rosie got engaged. Congratulations! (hugs Sam again)
Legolas: Why does Frodo still get to hug him?
Merry: Ok, ok ok OKAY! What in Middle-earth happened to you people?
Pippin: Yeah, cuz you’re kind of freaking us out. Just a little.
Boromir: Well, the details are starting to get a little fuzzy, but I do know there was Pong…
**********
[Housemates quickly fill in the hobbits on as many details of their trip as they can bear to relive, then go to change out of their robes. Glorfindel comes back near supper and the housemates go out to celebrate their newfound freedom. Merry and Pippin decide to hold off the shampoo prank till everyone’s back to normal, but after a couple of days, that doesn’t look about to happen anytime soon. Everyone is getting along EXTREMELY well and are WAY too happy all the time. Then the girls get into the Yuletide spirit and start decorating the house. Arwen puts up some mistletoe. Gimli is there instantly. Arwen kisses both cheeks.]
Gimli: I shall never wash these cheeks again.
Arwen: Then I shall never kiss them again.
[Gimli goes to wash face, but Boromir grabs him to help decorate the tree outside with the hobbits, but not before getting a kiss of his own from Eowyn. Gimli and the hobbits climb up the tree and Boromir throws the decorations and lights up to them. Glorfindel does his share of decorating by taking down all the pictures and replacing them with portraits of himself on Yuletides past. Legolas helps him.]
Legolas: Oh, this is good one. You look very robust.
Glorfindel: I know.
Legolas: But I think it would look better over the mantelpiece.
Glorfindel: Right you are! Let’s move it.
[They move the portrait into the living room. Merry and Pippin come around corner and watch them walk off with a mixture of amazement and downright fear.]
Merry: That’s it. This episode of the Twilight Zone has gone on long enough. We do it tonight.
Pippin: Are you sure? Maybe we should wait longer. Give them more time?
Merry: No, our friends are out there. They need our help, a nice, good shock to snap them out of it... The shampoo and body soap are back in position?
Pippin: Yes, I checked this morning.
Merry: Good. I’ll go get what we need. Look for my coming at five in the morning. At dawn, look to the east.
Pippin: (rolling eyes) Will you stop being so dramatic.
Merry: No, desperate times call for desperate measures. That means drama. I shall return! (leaves)
**********
[Next morning. Housemates are downstairs, making breakfast. Sam tries to supervise, but everyone insists on waiting on him, much to his discomfort. Glorfindel is in the shower, singing away and steaming up all the mirrors yet again. Merry and Pippin are in their room, waiting expectantly. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door and Legolas comes in.]
Legolas: There you are. I finally get a word with you.
Merry: A word about what?
Legolas: Glorfindel.
Merry: Say no more. He’s taken care of.
Legolas: (frowning) Why? What have you done?
Pippin: It’s a surprise.
Legolas: (panicking) NO! No surprises! Surprises aren’t good!
Merry: Why not?
Legolas: He was surprised by the resort. He didn’t know we were going there. It did strange and frightening things to him. It was unnatural.
Pippin: Well, he seems fine now.
Legolas: But he’s not. I can tell. He’s ready to snap at any moment… Besides, he’s really not so bad once you get to know him. So whatever kind of prank you have planned, you can’t do it.
Frodo: Prank?
[They all turn around to see Frodo and Sam, standing in the doorway. They had come in unnoticed. Frodo is looking at them suspiciously.]
Frodo: What are you talking about?
Merry, Pippin and Legolas: Nothing.
Frodo: Are you planning another prank on Gandalf? I thought we had already discussed this.
Legolas: Not Gandalf. It’s Glorfindel.
Merry and Pippin: SHHH!
Frodo: (panicking also) Glorfindel? Are you mad?
Merry: No, you are! All of you! You’re acting weird, like zombies or something. You needed a shock.
Frodo: MERRY! You can’t play a prank on him! Don’t you know who Glorfindel is?!
Pippin: A high elf lord who slew a balrog and yet is afraid of bunnies.
Legolas: He’s afraid of bunnies? For real?
Pippin: (laughing) Yeah, you should have been there; it was sweet.
Frodo: (livid) You’ve does this before? And you played on one of his fears?
Merry: Well, um…
Frodo: (breathes deeply to calm himself) Look, whatever prank you have planned you’re not going to do it.
Pippin: But…
Frodo: No. You are in over your heads. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. This can get really bad really quick. And I have a feeling that after last week, he won’t be taking anymore guff from anyone, even if he is acting ‘normal’. You didn’t see how he was behaving last week. You haven’t seen his true face.
Merry: Yes, but…
Frodo: No. I don’t want to hear it. There are things going on here of which you do not comprehend. This is bigger than any of your petty little excuses, and I won’t be able to help you. Besides, Glorfindel has been nothing but kind to you, and this is no way to repay him.
Pippin: Ok, but…
Frodo: Forget it.
Merry: Will you PLEASE just listen! … We can’t undo the prank. It’s already done.
Legolas: What do you mean?
Sam: Shh! Listen.
[They all listen and can hear the shower turn off, and Glorfindel whistling away. Pippin quickly runs over and closes bedroom door as steam starts bellowing into the hallway from the opening bathroom door. They listen as Glorfindel walks past the room and down the stairs. Several tense moments pass, then…]
Glorfindel: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MY HAIR!! MY SKIN!! (then, VERY angrily) LEGOLAS!
Merry: So, maybe it was a bad idea after all.
Frodo: You stay here. I’ll deal with you later. Come on, Legolas.
Legolas: Can’t I stay too?
[Frodo just gives him a look. They both head downstairs, where the other housemates are standing around in shock. They reach living room and…]
Legolas: By Eru. What in the…?!
Frodo: Glorfindel?
[Glorfindel turns to face them. His skin is a deep purple and his hair is bright green. And he looks PISSED]
Glorfindel: (to Legolas) You! You have gone too far this time.
Legolas: (speechless)
Glorfindel: (draws a sword) You will pay for this. You’re dead!
[Glorfindel starts to advance on Legolas, but Frodo stands in the way.]
Glorfindel: Get out of the way, Frodo.
Frodo: I’m afraid I can’t do that… because it was me.
Glorfindel: I don’t have time for this Frodo.
Frodo: No, I am the responsible one, for everything. Your present condition… the rabbits, everything.
[Everyone just stares at him, shocked. Glorfindel sizes him up, thinking.]
Glorfindel: The rabbits? How did you know about that?
Frodo: I have no excuse. I am sorry.
Glorfindel: Answer the question. How did you know?
Frodo: You are afraid of them.
Glorfindel: You knew about that? How? Who told you?
[Frodo doesn’t answer. They stare at each other for several tense moments and almost seem to come to some sort of understanding. Then Glorfindel advances yet again. He grabs Frodo off the ground and holds him up.]
Glorfindel: If this is how you want it, fine. Rest assured I shall repay you for your kindness. This isn’t over, Halfling.
Frodo: I know.
[Glorfindel lets him drop to the ground, then stalks off down the hall. Everyone waits till the back door slams, then breathes sighs of relief. Boromir helps Frodo up.]
Boromir: Are you all right?
Frodo: I’ll be fine, but I know a couple of other hobbits who will not be so fine.
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs.]
Sam: Now you’ve done it!
Merry: We are so screwed.
Pippin: I knew the body soap was going too far.
Merry: It was your idea!
Pippin: Yeah, well, since when do you listen to me!
Sam: You both deserve whatever you got coming.
Merry: Hey, you got blood on your hands too.
Pippin: Yeah, if we’re going down, we’re taking you with us.
Sam: Wait, how did you know where the soap was?
Merry: We can spy too you know.
**********
[Cut to Elrond’s main conference room. Glorfindel is pacing back and forth furiously. He’s glowing like some bizarre neon sign. Elrond is trying desperately not to laugh as Glorfindel vents.]
Glorfindel: This is it. I’ve had it. I’m through. I’ve done what you wanted me do to. They all like each other. They’re getting along. No more. I mean, look at me! I look like Barney! And will you STOP laughing! This isn’t funny!
Elrond: Oh, come on. You knew the dangers when you accepted the job.
Glorfindel: No, I didn’t. You lied. I had no idea they were this diabolical.
Elrond: It was a minor oversight.
Glorfindel: Oversight? OVERSIGHT?! No, no, my dear Elrond. Itching powder, that’s an oversight. Blue dye on plate ware. That is an oversight. But THIS! This is, it’s… it’s beyond even the evil of Sauron! I’m purple! And look, green! It’s GREEN! (pulls off wig, revealing his natural straight, blond hair) I paid good money for this too! (throws wig into corner and resumes pacing) I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.
Elrond: Fine, fine. We’ll tell them.
Glorfindel: We had better. Cuz I’m seriously ready to kill them. And if I had to act like that Lockhart git for one more second, I’d have killed myself. No wonder they hate me… No, correction. They used to hate me. Now, they actually like the Lockhart act. It’s nauseating.
Elrond: But it worked.
Glorfindel: No it didn’t! This whole “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” thing was a horrible idea. It didn’t stop them from fighting. The only thing they agreed on was ganging up on me… Though I’ll give you thumbs up for the Barrow Downs, as cruel as that was. I hope Tom and Goldberry aren’t too upset about us beating them up. I didn’t know.
Elrond: They’re good sports.
Glorfindel: Still, you should have warned me. It threw me. Everyone seems to be chalking it up to the Barrow Downs, but I’m positive Frodo’s figured it. He’s been suspicious for awhile.
Elrond: Of course he has. He’s a Baggins. But enough of this for now. I’ll get this soap analyzed and see if there isn’t anything to can take the dye out. You just go rest. And then we’ll go back and have a talk with our housemates.
Glorfindel: (expectantly) Can I be the one to tell them?
Elrond: Sure, you’ve earned it. Especially after the rabbit episode. I still can’t believe it...
Glorfindel: I know. He had me completely fooled. It’s always the quiet ones… But it explains everything, doesn’t it? (shudders, then sighs deeply) I’ll be in my room. Let me know as soon as you find out about the soap.
[Glorfindel throws cloak over himself and leaves. Elrond finally cracks up.]
**********
[Cut back to Real World house, a couple of days later. Housemates are still recovering from their earlier shock. If they weren’t so nervous about Glorfindel showing up, they would actually find it funny. As it is, they’re walking around on pins and needles. Eowyn and Arwen have abandoned food for ice cream and are making steady progress on the gallon tub of Chocolate Mint Fudge in the freezer. Gimli has his ax at the ready, just in case. Legolas goes around the house, looking out the windows. Boromir decides to distract himself by feeding the fish and naming the new ones. He’s halfway through when he notices something odd.]
Boromir: Wait a minute! Where’s Twinkle Jr.?! Where is he! Hey, these are all new fish! Merry! Pippin! (goes storming upstairs)
Gimli: Ok, I’m going to ask. What is it with him and the fish?
Legolas: We don’t know, and we don’t ask.
[Legolas and Gimli decide to get some fresh air and go outside in the garden. Pan up house to window of hobbits’ room. The hobbits are there talking, though Merry and Pippin look like they’re in detention.]
Frodo: Sam, I’ve been wondering, where did you get that flame torch from?
Sam: Oh, I found that out in the barn one day when I was cleaning it for Bill.
Frodo: And the spare car keys?
Sam: Well, Gandalf gave me those.
Merry: Gandalf? Why would he do that?
Sam: (shrugs) Don’t rightly know. He just told me to pack em up someplace you’d be likely to find them. I thought it was curious myself, but I know better than to question the way of wizards.
[Frodo’s mulling this over and seems ready to ask something else, but just then Boromir crashes into the room. Merry and Pippin hide behind Frodo and Sam.]
Boromir: Twinkle Jr.! Where is he?!
Pippin: We’re sorry. We were going to tell you eventually.
Boromir: What happened to him?
Merry: It was that Gollum creature. He’s back. He crashed our party and killed all your fish.
Frodo: Great. That’s just what we need now. Where is he?
Sam: Don’t know. But don’t worry; I chased him off. And we put up traps all around the garden in case he comes back.
[Just then, they all hear something breaking in the garden. Gimli lets out a yelp and they can hear Legolas telling him to stop moving. They go over to the window and see Gimli swinging upside down by his ankle near the garden wall. Legolas gets his bow and arrow and shoots him down.]
Sam: Though I guess we should have told you that before now.
Frodo: Could things possibly get any worse?
[Cut to downstairs. Elrond and Glorfindel enter the front door. Glorfindel is now back to normal skin tones and looking around happily. He sees the girls and chauffeurs them into the living room. Arwen is relieved to see everything back to normal, but Eowyn is suspicious. He warns her to be quiet, then goes through the house, looking for everyone else. He finds Legolas and Gimli and sends them to the living room.]
Legolas: I’ll get Boromir and Frodo.
Glorfindel: No, you’ll go into the living room. I’ll get the others. Are they upstairs? And don’t even attempt to yell and warn them.
Legolas: I wasn’t going to do that… But um, I think they’re in Boromir’s room.
Glorfindel: Yeah, I’m sure they are.
[He goes upstairs and runs into Boromir in the hallway. They have a similar exchange. Boromir eventually gets sent down to the living room. Glorfindel continues to the hobbits’ room. He doesn’t even knock, just opens the door. He catches them all, and they freeze, shocked.]
Glorfindel: Well, well, well. Look who we have here. If it isn’t my lovely bunch of coconuts, the conspirators behind all these schemes. Now, let me see if I’ve got you all figured out right. Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. Correct? (they nod) You’re wanted downstairs.
[He leaves]
Pippin: He knows?
Merry: We are so dead.
Sam: But how?
Frodo: (looking more tired than surprised) I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. Come on.
[The hobbits go downstairs and join everyone else in the living room. Everyone waits nervously and confusedly, except Arwen who is examining her hair for split ends.]
Glorfindel: This meeting will be short, but sweet. So very, very sweet. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Elrond?
Elrond: The plan was simple. Gather together potential Quest members and potential allies and see if they have what it takes to work together. But it was two-fold in that it helped us to flush out Saruman, whom we had suspected for some time to have ulterior motives. So we brought him in to replace Glorfindel.
Boromir: I thought Arwen replaced Glorfindel.
Elrond: Don’t interrupt… Now, everything went according to plan, except for one small snag – and that would be the rest of you. You couldn’t get along to save yourselves, much less all of Middle-earth. So, I went to Plan B.
Eowyn: Let me guess.
Glorfindel: You only get one.
Legolas: So this was all a set up?
Elrond: Of course it was. Do you honestly think I would have let you get away with half the things you did if it wasn’t? But there was an oversight. And that would be them.
[Elrond and Glorfindel glare down at the hobbits, who squirm uncomfortably.]
Glorfindel: An oversight indeed. Not that they were still here. We of course knew that. I mean, come on. Even if you all actually did look alike, you all have different accents, and you’re even color-coordinated. Merry wears yellow, Pippin wears blue, Frodo wears red, and Sam wears whatever color that’s supposed to be. Came in quite handy actually.
Pippin: You could tell us apart all along?
Glorfindel: Do you really think I could have forgotten you after you threw up all over the cab?
Pippin: I get carsick.
Glorfindel: I’ll remember that. And to answer your question: Yes, I could. Really, I was actually surprised that you could be so easily duped. I have seen every single one of you before, which you perfectly well knew. For that reason, I wasn’t sure it would work, and I was certain Elrond’s plan would fail. But you’re all much more stupid than I thought you were. You fell for it instantly. All of you. Well, almost all of you, but I’ll get to that later. And so the conspiracy continued as planned. For we needed to know. What would you do if you thought the hobbits were in danger of being found out, if you thought Frodo’s support would be taken from him? Would you protect them? Let them be discovered? Turn them in? In this test, you all passed remarkably well. But that snag kept coming up. You just would not get along. Elrond had thought that if you had a common “enemy” you would come together, and it did work to a certain extent. You all certainly had no trouble letting all sorts of foul things befall me. But that was really my folly, wasn’t it? For I thought Legolas was behind it all, and while he certainly had a hand in it, it wasn’t until this morning I realized who the real troublemakers were. Frodo? Who told you I was afraid of rabbits?
Frodo: It was Pippin.
Glorfindel: Pippin? Or Merry and Pippin to be exact, as I suspected. They were the ones doing everything, which makes sense now that I think of it. I was always on guard around them of course, as much as possible anyway without raising suspicion; Gandalf had warned me not to underestimate them. I suspected that Legolas possibly had their help in some of it, especially after Pippin’s little suggestion about the cod liver oil. But I had it backwards didn’t I? You were wise to use Legolas as your alibi. You were wiser still to use Sam as your spy. So unassuming, so innocent-seeming, just Frodo’s valiant protector. No harm there. Why wouldn’t I open up to him?
Frodo: Now hold on just a minute. You have some nerve blaming Sam for any of this. Spy, indeed.
Glorfindel: But he has to be. He’s the only one who knew where I kept the shampoo. And when you mentioned the rabbits this morning Frodo, it occurred to me that the only one here who knew of my fear of those disgusting overgrown rodents was Sam.
Frodo: I don’t believe you. Sam, tell him it’s not true.
Sam: (looking at feet) I’m sorry Mr. Frodo, but he’s right. I was helping Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin.
Frodo: What? No.
Sam: Yes, I was. But only because I thought Mr. Glorfindel was trying to get you kicked out of the house. He blamed that food fight on you, and then Mr. Elrond said he would make you leave.
Frodo: No he didn’t! He said he would have to reconsider my position in the house, not that he was going to take me out of it.
Elrond: And Glorfindel never blamed anything on Frodo. He took full blame for the food fight as he easily could have stopped it after that first throw, but being partial to food fights he decided to let it escalate. But it wouldn’t have done to let him take the fall, not considering what we were attempting to accomplish here. So I had a talk with Frodo, since clearly I could not talk to Merry the Instigator, and he took the blame. There was little reason for me to question anyone else any further.
Boromir: Wait, wait, this is going too fast for me. You need to back up. Now, Saruman was brought in to flush him out, I get that. But why not have Glorfindel here at the beginning? Why replace him with Arwen?
Arwen: Weren’t you listening? I didn’t replace him, Saruman did. I just told you that I replaced him so that if he did have to be brought in later, it wouldn’t look suspicious. I was always supposed to be here, to throw Saruman off. Daddy wouldn’t put his little girl into a house with a suspected enemy, now would he? I took away any possibly perceived threat. Otherwise, Saruman would have been too guarded to show his true colors.
Eowyn: You were in on this?! But you were just in there eating ice cream with me!
Arwen: Well, I was nervous! I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I’ve never seen Glorfindel that upset before. (to Pippin) I told you not make him angry!
[Pippin hides behind Merry, who’s hiding behind Boromir.]
Legolas: All right then. So Saruman’s discovered and leaves. Gollum runs away. There’s two vacancies. Why not bring in Glorfindel then?
Elrond: Because you had already voted the hobbits into the house, and I was actually quite interested to see what would come of it.
Gimli: So you waited until after the Council Meeting and then brought in your advisor to test our resolve.
Glorfindel: Precisely. And Arwen was a great help there, pretending to go along with your little pranks. For you had nothing to fear as long as she was part of things, did you? You really deserve an Oscar for that performance. I was quite impressed.
Arwen: You did an astounding job yourself. But I’m still mad at you about the Barrow Downs Daddy. You should have warned us.
Elrond: Oh, stop pouting. You were never in any danger. And all your belongings arrived this morning with Gandalf.
Frodo: Gandalf. He knew too of course. He probably even suggested the Barrow Downs, and he took Glorfindel’s key so we wouldn’t be able to leave. But he insured we had a spare for when we needed it. He knew Glorfindel would find a way out. It all makes sense now.
Glorfindel: And he knew you would come to me with the keys. How long have you suspected me, Frodo?
Frodo: Since Bilbo questioned why we thought you couldn’t tell us apart. It was obvious he knew that you already could.
Merry: Wait. You knew too?!
Frodo: No, I didn’t know. Not for certain. Not till the Barrow Downs. You’re a good actor Glorfindel, but even you got taken by surprise. You behaved then as I knew was normal for you. And all this was clearly an act. But I still didn’t know why, not till now. You did it for my benefit and you were repaid with cruel pranks by my cousins. And you trusted Sam because I did. I am sorry also. This is all my fault.
Sam: No it isn’t. It’s my fault. I should have told you what they were planning.
Frodo: Yes, you should have. But you didn’t. How could you lie to me Sam? (starts to leave)
Sam: But Frodo…
Frodo: No, Sam, you don’t get out of this. All three of you will be going home in the morning. Now if you’ll excuse me, I wish to be alone. (goes upstairs)
Elrond: Another snag. We need to stop running into those. But we’ll sort it out in the morning. Come on Glorfindel. Let’s go.
Legolas: Wait, you’re not staying?
Glorfindel: Hell no! I’m out of this place.
Legolas: But… you just got cool.
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs. Frodo is pacing in a wide circle, lost in thought, so he doesn’t notice a soft padding behind him. He finally plops down on the mattress and stares at his hands, still thinking. Then he feels something at his neck and swats it away. It comes back, so he swats it away again. Then he feels what is unmistakably someone’s fingers trying to get at the chain around his neck. He freaks.]
Frodo: SAM!!!
[He jumps up startled and turns around in time to see something dart through the open window. Sam is there a split second later.]
Sam: What is it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: There was something in here.
[The rest of the housemates, Elrond and Glorfindel come into the room to see what the matter is, but just then, something snaps outside, and something lets out a squeal.]
Merry: Gothca!!
[Everyone runs downstairs and into garden. Swinging from another tree is…]
Boromir: Gollum. Can I kill him?
Sam: Sure.
Elrond: No. Get him down and bring him inside.
[Glorfindel cuts him down, making sure to keep enough of the rope to use as a lead. They all go inside, Gollum pushed in front. They gather around the kitchen table.]
Glorfindel: So this is Gollum?
Pippin: Oh, that’s Gollum! Why didn’t you say so?
Merry: Pippin!
Gollum: We just wants the precious. (starts crying)
Sam: Well, too bad, you can’t have him.
Frodo: I think he was talking about the ring.
Sam: Well, you can’t have that either.
[Gollum starts bawling.]
Boromir: Oh, shut up.
Glorfindel: Oh bother.
Continued in Week 13
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