Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 10
Week 11: Road Trips and Party Crashers
Merry: So who does the intro now that everyone’s gone?
Pippin: I don’t know. Us I suppose.
Sam: What should we say?
Merry: How about – this is the true story of three hobbits…
Pippin: Left all alone in a great big house…
Sam: And the horror that ensues as a result.
Merry: I wouldn’t say ‘horror’.
Pippin: Shouldn’t we say something about the others?
Merry: We can’t. They’re not back yet.
Sam: I’m getting worried. Mr. Frodo should have called by now.
Merry: You worry too much.
Sam: You don’t worry enough.
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Merry and Sam: You’re always hungry.
Pippin: I think this intro is getting too long.
Merry: Right. Let’s go clean up.
[Sunday morning. Everyone is finishing with their packing for the trip. Arwen is complaining that the bags are too small and she has no room for her hair dryer and its numerous attachments. Boromir offers her his second bag, as he was able to pack everything into one bag. Glorfindel also complains about the bag limit and throws evil glances at Arwen. Legolas just goes out and gets two really big bags. Sam, master packer-condenser extraordinaire, has packed everything Frodo would ever possibly need to survive a year lost in the woods, much less a week out wherever they are going, with room to spare.]
Sam: Right here are some spare batteries for your flashlight, which is right here. And make sure to keep these matches and the emergency kindling in their plastic baggies – you don’t want that getting wet.
Merry: Were you a Boy Scout or something?
Sam: Yes.
Merry: Oh… Okay.
Sam: And right here, I got you a couple of rolls of toilet paper, and I also found some of that Skin So Soft. Keeps the insects away, and keeps your skin soft. And it smells like strawberries, your favorite.
Pippin: You should have helped Arwen with her packing.
Sam: I did. Even I have my limits… Oh, and I slipped in a Swiss Army knife – that’s got your toothbrush, your comb, a watch, a compass, a pair of tweezers, scissors, razor blade, knife obviously, a magnifying glass, dental floss dispenser, a mirror, and if you push this button right here, it’s a pen! I also got you this hatchet for chopping up firewood… But what I am forgetting?
Frodo: The kitchen sink?
Sam: Now, honestly, Mr. Frodo, that’s far too big for you to be lugging around. But I did get some of those anti-bacterial hand wipes. I put them right here next to the spot remover, which, by the way, you need to use right away if you stain your clothes. That’s why I put it in the outside pocket.
Frodo: You think of everything, don’t you Sam?
Sam: I do my best. And you’ll remember your promise to me?
Frodo: Yes, don’t worry. If Boromir comes near me or acts suspicious in any way, you’ll be the first to find out.
Sam: Good… Oh, that’s what I forgot! (goes to dresser and hands something to Frodo)
Frodo: What’s this?
Sam: Pepper spray.
Frodo: Sam, I really don’t think I’m going to need this.
Sam: Well, just in case. You don’t know where you’re going. There could be all sorts of strange folk about. I put it on this key ring for you, just hang it from your belt loop. And remember – safety in numbers.
Frodo: Thank you Sam. (pockets the pepper spray and turns to Merry and Pippin) Now, as for you two and this party you’re planning…
Pippin: We’re not planning a party.
Frodo: Of course you’re not, but I want it understood that Sam is not to be working in any way while I’m gone, unless he wants to. You’re to take care of yourselves. I also want it understood that should anything get lost, stolen, broken, stained or in any other way damaged, you will replace it from your allowance, which of course means I will have to wire your parents for the money.
Merry: You wouldn’t.
Frodo: I would… Have fun.
[Frodo and Sam each shoulder a bag and head downstairs.]
Pippin: Have fun? Not hardly.
Merry: Oh, we’ll have fun. Or are you forgetting the living room is still furnitureless. We’ll just keep everyone in there.
Pippin: Excellent! Party on Merry!
Merry: Party on Pip!
[They start head banging and playing air guitar.]
**********
[That night. Cut to somewhere in Middle Earth. There are lots of green hills, some with ruins on top. The cars are driving through a bare, treeless valley. There are two stones standing straight out of the ground up ahead. It’s a toll booth. They pay the fee and drive through. A half hour later, a light fog is settling in the valley, just as the cars pull over and stop. Everyone gets out and unloads the luggage.]
Arwen: Where are we?
Gandalf: The Barrow Downs Resort and Spa.
Boromir: I don’t see it.
Gandalf: It’s just a short hike up this hill and down into the barrow. Give the password to the barrow wight and he’ll let you in.
Glorfindel: (worried, and for once acting normal) Gandalf, are you sure this is the right place? This isn’t what Elrond and I talked about.
Gandalf: Elrond felt it was time to try something more drastic. But don’t worry. You should all be fine. Hopefully. Now, I’m off to Bree to see a bartender about a letter. I’ll be back as soon as I get word that you’ve been released. (gets in a car and speeds away)
Boromir: Wait! What’s the password?
Gimli: And what did he mean by “been released”?
Frodo: I don’t like this place. Let’s just take the other car and go home.
Glorfindel: Gandalf has the keys.
Eowyn: I can hot-wire it.
Glorfindel: No you can’t. It won’t start without the key – it’s got a chip or something in it.
Legolas: So what do we do now?
Frodo: Up the hill and down into the barrow? I mean, Elrond wouldn’t send us anyplace dangerous would he?
Boromir: No, not with Arwen here.
[Everyone takes heart in this and starts trudging up the hill with their luggage. The fog is coming down thicker so that they have to huddle together to not lose each other. They look around for the entrance to the barrow, but don’t find it until Gimli inadvertently falls through it. They all jump in after him and find themselves in a long dark tunnel. For once, they are grateful that Glorfindel can double as a flashlight. They slowly make their way down the tunnel, turn a corner, and come face to face with the barrow wight.]
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: He looked like the Crypt Keeper, only not as pretty. And the detachable arm was quite unnerving.
[Cut back to long, dark tunnel.]
Barrow Wight: Password?
Glorfindel: Don’t worry, I know it.
Barrow Wight: Sorry, that isn’t it. You shall die now.
Glorfindel: I haven’t said it yet. I was talking to them.
Barrow Wight: (rolls eyes) Password?
Glorfindel: Caput Draconis.
Barrow Wight: (sighing heavily, obviously disappointed) Yes, that is correct. Do you have any luggage?
[They point to their bags. The barrow wight’s arm falls off and crawls over to the luggage and starts loading it on the trolley. Arwen and Eowyn scream and hide behind Legolas and Boromir. Barrow wight cheers up slightly to see them scared. He pushes a button and a door swings open, revealing another long, dark tunnel.]
Barrow Wight: (reciting drably) Welcome to the wonderful and delightful Barrow Downs Resort and Spa. Check in at the front desk. Your hostess will be the Lady Goldberry, and your host is Master Tom Bombadil. While you are here, you will be required to wear these white robes (holds out white robes but no one moves) Well, take them.
[The girls nudge the guys, who nudge Glorfindel. He groans and steps forward to take the robes and hand them to everyone else.]
Barrow Wight: You will put those on as soon as you get to your room. All other clothes will be confiscated until the time of your check out, which will be arranged as soon as you satisfactorily complete all course requirements.
Glorfindel: Wait – when we what?
Barrow Wight: (sighing deeply, then speaking slowly) When you sat-is-fact-orily com-plete all course re-qui-re-ments.
Glorfindel: But we’re only supposed to be here for a week.
Barrow Wight: (snickering) A week? A week, he says! Hahahahaha hehehehe Muahahahahaha HAAAAAA HAAAAAAA HAAAA!... No. You leave when we say you leave. Now, follow the trolley, or perish.
[Barrow wight’s arm drives trolley through the door and down the tunnel. The girls are now clinging to the guys for dear life. Frodo has his pepper spray at the ready. They walk down the tunnel. There is a dim light up ahead. It gets closer with each step and soon they come out into a brightly candlelit lobby that would put the Ritz Carleton to shame.]
Arwen: Oh, it’s beautiful!
Legolas: Certainly not what I was expecting. And is that a video game room!
Boromir: Where?!
Glorfindel: (somewhat back to his old self) Now, wait just a minute fellows. We still need to check in and meet our host and hostess. There will be time for games later.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I have a really really REALLY bad feeling about this.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: This might not be so bad after all. I hope.
**********
[Meanwhile, back in Rivendell. The next day. Merry and Pippin are hard at work with their party and have ironed out most of the details. There’s just one thing left to do.]
Pippin: I’ll make the fliers.
Merry: No, I will.
Pippin: No I will.
Merry: Pippin, you know you’re not allowed to use the Palantir.
Pippin: Why not?
Merry: Because, you’ll go on there for one thing, wind up doing something completely different, and then we won’t be able to pry you away from it for three days.
Pippin: That was an isolated incident.
Merry: No it wasn’t. You have a problem and I won’t let you use the Palantir.
Pippin: (getting upset) I am NOT addicted to the Palantir! I’m making the fliers and you can’t stop me! (runs out of room)
Merry: Wait! Get back here! I promised your father I wouldn’t let you!
[They reach the den, but Sam is already there, typing away.]
Pippin: What are you doing?
Sam: Talking to Rosie.
Pippin: She can read?
Sam: (getting upset) Of course she can.
Pippin: Oh, well, you’re done now. It’s my turn.
Merry and Sam: No it isn’t.
Sam: This is the first chance I’ve had to talk to her since I got here. Forget it. You’ll just have to wait.
Pippin: (on verge of throwing hissy fit) But I want to! I’m allowed! It’s my turn!
Sam: Mr. Pippin, you should know that Mr. Frodo put me in charge of keeping you two out of trouble, as much as possible anyway. And he’s given me free leave to take whatever action I feel is necessary in order to do that.
Pippin: What does that mean?
Sam: Don’t make me angry. (goes back to typing)
Pippin: But…
[Sam glares at him and Pippin wisely decides not to push his luck. He stomps out of den, stomps down hall, stomps upstairs, stomps to his room and slams door.]
Merry: Well done Sam. But is that really true?
Sam: Would I say it if it weren’t?
Merry: You’re not going to stop us from having the party are you?
Sam: Are you expecting me to clean up after?
Merry: Why would we do that?
Sam: Why wouldn’t you?
Merry: Don’t you trust us to clean up after ourselves?
Sam: Is there any reason for me not to?
Merry: Why do we keep talking in questions?
Sam: I don’t know, but we should stop, don’t you think?
Merry: How do we do that?
Sam: Well, shouldn’t it be obvious?
Merry: Then why do you keep doing it?
Sam: Aren’t you the one who started it?
Merry: (taking deep breath) Ok, we’re just going to stop, ok?
Sam: But wasn’t that another question?
Merry: STOP!
Sam: Right. How?
[Merry gives up and leaves.]
Sam: Now that was fun.
[Sam goes back to typing. Merry goes upstairs and finds Pippin. They eventually decide to make a flier on paper and take it into town to print copies.]
**********
[Back at the Barrow Downs. Housemates are adjusting very badly to their “retreat.” The robes they have to wear are incredibly ugly and itchy, and the Elves are upset about not being able to keep their other clothes. They all have to share a single room, much to the girls’ dismay and Arwen, to her horror, discovers there are no electrical outlets for her hair dryer. Breakfast is served promptly at 6:00, but wake up isn’t till 6:30, so no one is on time to eat and have to wait for lunch. The gift shop has nothing in it but gaudy jewelry, but Frodo does manage to find some swords to take back for Sam, Merry and Pippin. Boromir, Legolas and Gimli go to the video game room, but all they have is Pong. Arwen, Eowyn and Glorfindel check out the spa, but leave when they find out the masseuses are more detached arms. By lunch, they’re all completely bored and/or freaked out of their minds. Then Goldberry finds them and leads the housemates to an “activity” room, which is completely devoid of anything that could possibly be used for any kind of activity.]
Goldberry: Your group therapy begins now. So, stand in a circle and face each other. Ok, now you, stand there. And you, over there. And you two switch. Perfect! Now, take your neighbor’s hand. (no one moves) Go on, don’t be shy. … Go on now, no one’s going to bite. Except maybe me. (snickers)
[Everyone quickly grabs their neighbor’s hand, and wait uncertainly for whatever is going to happen next.]
Goldberry: Perfect! Wonderful! Our first activity will be to go around in a circle and say one good thing about the person on your right. Glorfindel, why don’t you start?
Glorfindel: Ok, well, Eowyn is very assertive and independent.
Goldberry: I said one thing, not two. You have a problem listening to simple orders. We’ll have to clean out those ears. Eowyn, your turn.
Eowyn: Well, Boromir is… he’s… sort of… well… um… Oh! I know! He has good aim. When he wants to, which isn’t very often.
Goldberry: I see, mm-hm mm-hm. You have intimacy issues. We’ll get you sorted out. Boromir, tell us something about Arwen that you like.
Boromir: Well, she’s always clean.
Goldberry: You are far too concerned with appearances, but that’s an easy fix. Arwen, your turn.
Arwen: Gimli is always willing to lend a hand.
Goldberry: Of course. You’re spoiled and expect everything handed to you on a gold platter. We’ll break that right out of you. Gimli, you’re next.
Gimli: That’s easy. Frodo is one of the most learned persons I know, which is all the more surprising in that he’s a hobbit.
Goldberry: You don’t like stupid people do you? And you look down on other races. You obviously have a superiority complex. We’ll bring you back down to Middle-earth. Frodo, what do you like about Legolas?
Frodo: Everything.
Goldberry: Everything?
Frodo: Yes.
Goldberry: I see. You have a disease to please. You never say no to anyone. We’ll toughen you up. And now Legolas, last but not least. Come on, let’s hear one good thing about Glorfindel.
Legolas: I can’t.
Goldberry: ‘Can’t’ is not a word in our vocabulary. Now, come on, you can do it.
Legolas: I won’t.
Goldberry: A rebel. Well, we know what to do with those. (gets out a razor blade and can of shaving cream) How would you like to be bald?
Legolas: Glorfindel is very shiny.
Goldberry: (puts everything away) That’s better! Good for you. But you obviously like to be the center of attention, and I indulged you. We’ll have to stop that. Now, sit down everyone, close your eyes, don’t release hands. Perfect! Now, the second activity is meditation. Picture yourself and the person on your right doing something together that you both enjoy, and see how much fun you’re having together! Picture it real hard and concentrate on it while taking deep, soothing breaths. Marvelous! Now, do that for thirty minutes. I’ll be back.
[They listen for the door to close behind her, then drop each other’s hands and get up.]
Eowyn: I’m going to be sick.
Frodo: This is all a very disturbing experience.
Boromir: We have to get out of here.
Arwen: How?
Glorfindel: Don’t you think we should at least give this a try? Elrond said we would find peace and comfort here.
Boromir: I will find no rest here. I can still hear her voice inside my head, and it’s really wigging me out! And why does she keep saying ‘we’? Who’s we?!
Legolas: It’s all right man. We’ll find a way out. Or we’ll die trying.
**********
[Over the next couple of days, the housemates are going through more horror over at the wonderful and delightful Barrow Downs Resort and Spa. They continue to have their “group therapy” sessions with Goldberry. If that isn’t enough, they are also forced to have a sing-along of really horribly written folk songs with their host Tom Bombadil and it isn’t long before everyone realizes this is the “weird guy on crack” Merry and Pippin talked about when they first came to visit. Desperate, the housemates start plotting their prison break.]
Frodo: (whispering) Merry and Pippin just kicked him and were able to get away.
Legolas: (whispering) Ok, so we kick him. And then what?
Frodo: (whispering) I’m still working on that.
Arwen: (whispering) We should all go around and look for weak spots.
Eowyn: (whispering) And learn everyone’s schedules and stuff.
Glorfindel: (whispering) I really don’t think that’s going to be necessary. I’ve been looking at the itinerary–
Tom: (whispering) What are we all whispering about?
Housemates: AAAHHHH!!!
[Everyone decides to do as Arwen and Eowyn suggested and casually wander around, looking for ways out and watching the staff. The girls manage to find where all their clothes are being stored. Legolas, Boromir and Gimli follow some workers and find out where the back door is, but it requires security clearance to get through. Frodo goes through his luggage and finds all kinds of stuff that will come in useful for their escape, including copies of the car keys and a gas card. Glorfindel constantly tries to get everyone’s attention, but they all ignore him. Finally, he has enough and just corners Legolas in the hallway.]
Glorfindel: (acting like a normal person again) I know how to get out of here.
Legolas: Oh, yeah, I’m sure you do.
[Legolas tries to leave, but Glorfindel just slams him against the wall.]
Glorfindel: Will you just shut up and listen for a change. Or do you want to stay?
Legolas: Of course I don’t.
Glorfindel: Good. Then is what we’re going to do...
[They talk for awhile and Legolas seems to be incredibly impressed by what he hears.]
**********
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: Oh, man, Boromir’s gonna kill us!
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: No good can come of this.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: I’ve been practicing all week, and I can pick that lock in 15 seconds!
[Cut to Thursday morning. The Real World house sits serenely and innocently in the first rays of sunlight. Merry and Pippin are putting the finishing touches on the decorations for the party and are preparing the food. Sam has agreed to clear out all the breakable items from the first floor, just in case. Pippin pretends to help him, but then disappears. Merry finally goes looking for him and finds him in the upstairs hallway, kneeling in front of a decorative table with a supposedly decorative drawer. He’s picking the lock.]
Merry: Do you honestly think Glorfindel will leave his shampoo here while he’s gone?
Pippin: Of course not, but there’s no harm in practicing. I figure we should do it as soon as they get back. The sooner he’s back from vacation, the less he’ll be on his guard. It’s the last thing he’ll expect.
Merry: Good thinking. But where’s Sam? If he sees you...
Pippin: I told him you were burning the food, and since you’re up here, you probably are.
[The drawer lock clinks and Pippin opens drawer in triumph, then glances at his watch.]
Pippin: Perfect! We’re ready to roll!
[Cut to later that night. The party’s in full swing and going well. The DJ is rocking the joint and everyone is having a blast. Merry and Pippin are surrounded by Elf babes and are totally soaking it up. Sam is patrolling, making sure no one wanders off where they don’t belong. He’s just strolled through the kitchen when something slinks in through the garden door and runs along the shadows. The party rages into the wee hours of the night, until the police show up and make everyone leave. Merry and Pippin aren’t very phased by this and continue jamming through the house, until...]
Pippin: Merry?
[Merry comes back to the hallway by the kitchen where Pippin is standing and staring at the fish tank. Merry looks at fish tank and drops his glass.]
Merry: What the hell?!
[All the fish are gone, except one – Twinkle Jr., who is floating upside down.]
Pippin: He’s been murdered!
Merry: Don’t be silly. You can’t murder a fish.
Pippin: But, who did it? Where are the other fish?
Merry: How am I supposed to know? I didn’t see anything unusual. Where’s Sam? ... SAM!
[They go off looking for Sam and find him out in the garden, staring fiercely at the garden wall, but there’s nothing there.]
Merry: What is it Sam? What do you see?
Sam: A Gollum. I just chased him off.
Merry: Well, that explains the fish.
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
Merry: Pippin!
[The hobbits go into town the next day and search every single pet store for a Twinkle Jr. look alike, but fail miserably. Pippin suggests getting a fish and painting it, but Sam puts a stop to that real quick. They finally give up. Merry and Pippin go back to the house to start the cleaning up. Sam goes to search for any signs of Gollum.]
**********
[Saturday morning. Housemates are clumped together in the dining hall, finalizing their plans for escape.]
Arwen: I still don’t see why we can’t take our clothes. I hate these robes. They make my hips look big.
Legolas: Clothes can be replaced. Our sanity can’t.
Arwen: But Frodo gets to take practically everything he brought with him.
Boromir: That’s because Frodo actually brought stuff that is useful. What possessed you to pack a flame torch anyway?
Frodo: Nothing. Sam did the packing, and I had no idea he even put that in there.
Glorfindel: We’ll have to thank him when we get back.
Gimli: We make our move today then?
Glorfindel: It’s now or never. Everyone knows what they have to do? (they all nod) Good. Now, timing is crucial. It could make us or break us, so don’t make a move till I say so. You all have your supplies? (they all nod) Good. Here he comes. Look natural.
[They all sit up and go back to eating their breakfast and talking loudly and cheerfully.]
Glorfindel: (rolling his eyes) Natural, people! What’s wrong with you?
[They calm down and look gloomy and pick at their food, just as they have been the entire week. Tom comes up, bouncing cheerfully and humming some inane song. He stops in front of their table and looks at them expectantly.]
Tom: Everyone ready for our nature hike today? We’ll heading off for the quay.
[They all nod]
Tom: Wonderful! Let’s get going! Follow me. If we make good time, we’ll get there for tea.
[They get up and follow him to the back door and allow him to put them in a line and bind their ankles with shackles.]
Tom: Don’t want anyone getting lost. We’re going into the Old Forest, you know. Those trees are mean.
Gimli: That’s awfully considerate of you.
[They follow him outside and away from the barrows. They wait until the barrows are completely out of view. Then Glorfindel lights a match. Boromir quickly gets the flame torch going and blasts through the chain holding them all together. Tom tries to stop them, but Arwen, Eowyn and Legolas hold him off with the swords Frodo had bought, then Gimli pounces him and kicks him the knee caps as Frodo gets him full in the eyes with pepper spray. Tom crumples to the ground.]
Glorfindel: RUN! To your right! No, your other right!
[Everyone bolts and high tails it for the car that is still parked where they left it in the valley. It’s daylight, so they don’t have to worry about the barrow wights, but they come face to face with Goldberry.]
Goldberry: Where do you think you’re going?
Boromir: I’ve never hit a woman before. Don’t make me start now.
Eowyn: Oh please. (decks Goldberry cold)
Legolas: Knock out!
Glorfindel: Come on! We must not linger here!
Legolas: Hey, that’s my line.
Glorfindel: Just shut up and get in the car.
[They pile into car. Frodo and Gimli are forced to sit on Eowyn’s and Arwen’s laps. Glorfindel jumps in the driver’s seat and guns the engine. They peel out and are almost free except...]
Glorfindel: Damn it! I forgot about the stupid tollbooth!
Boromir: Just run it!
Glorfindel: You can’t run a tollbooth. Who has change?
[They all dig around for change and miraculously find some in the ashtray. Glorfindel pays, waits patiently for the gate to open, then burns rubber.]
Legolas: We’re out! We made it! We’re FREEEEE! I LOVE you man!
Glorfindel: Oh please. It’s so obvious.
Continued in Week 12
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 10
Week 11: Road Trips and Party Crashers
Merry: So who does the intro now that everyone’s gone?
Pippin: I don’t know. Us I suppose.
Sam: What should we say?
Merry: How about – this is the true story of three hobbits…
Pippin: Left all alone in a great big house…
Sam: And the horror that ensues as a result.
Merry: I wouldn’t say ‘horror’.
Pippin: Shouldn’t we say something about the others?
Merry: We can’t. They’re not back yet.
Sam: I’m getting worried. Mr. Frodo should have called by now.
Merry: You worry too much.
Sam: You don’t worry enough.
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Merry and Sam: You’re always hungry.
Pippin: I think this intro is getting too long.
Merry: Right. Let’s go clean up.
[Sunday morning. Everyone is finishing with their packing for the trip. Arwen is complaining that the bags are too small and she has no room for her hair dryer and its numerous attachments. Boromir offers her his second bag, as he was able to pack everything into one bag. Glorfindel also complains about the bag limit and throws evil glances at Arwen. Legolas just goes out and gets two really big bags. Sam, master packer-condenser extraordinaire, has packed everything Frodo would ever possibly need to survive a year lost in the woods, much less a week out wherever they are going, with room to spare.]
Sam: Right here are some spare batteries for your flashlight, which is right here. And make sure to keep these matches and the emergency kindling in their plastic baggies – you don’t want that getting wet.
Merry: Were you a Boy Scout or something?
Sam: Yes.
Merry: Oh… Okay.
Sam: And right here, I got you a couple of rolls of toilet paper, and I also found some of that Skin So Soft. Keeps the insects away, and keeps your skin soft. And it smells like strawberries, your favorite.
Pippin: You should have helped Arwen with her packing.
Sam: I did. Even I have my limits… Oh, and I slipped in a Swiss Army knife – that’s got your toothbrush, your comb, a watch, a compass, a pair of tweezers, scissors, razor blade, knife obviously, a magnifying glass, dental floss dispenser, a mirror, and if you push this button right here, it’s a pen! I also got you this hatchet for chopping up firewood… But what I am forgetting?
Frodo: The kitchen sink?
Sam: Now, honestly, Mr. Frodo, that’s far too big for you to be lugging around. But I did get some of those anti-bacterial hand wipes. I put them right here next to the spot remover, which, by the way, you need to use right away if you stain your clothes. That’s why I put it in the outside pocket.
Frodo: You think of everything, don’t you Sam?
Sam: I do my best. And you’ll remember your promise to me?
Frodo: Yes, don’t worry. If Boromir comes near me or acts suspicious in any way, you’ll be the first to find out.
Sam: Good… Oh, that’s what I forgot! (goes to dresser and hands something to Frodo)
Frodo: What’s this?
Sam: Pepper spray.
Frodo: Sam, I really don’t think I’m going to need this.
Sam: Well, just in case. You don’t know where you’re going. There could be all sorts of strange folk about. I put it on this key ring for you, just hang it from your belt loop. And remember – safety in numbers.
Frodo: Thank you Sam. (pockets the pepper spray and turns to Merry and Pippin) Now, as for you two and this party you’re planning…
Pippin: We’re not planning a party.
Frodo: Of course you’re not, but I want it understood that Sam is not to be working in any way while I’m gone, unless he wants to. You’re to take care of yourselves. I also want it understood that should anything get lost, stolen, broken, stained or in any other way damaged, you will replace it from your allowance, which of course means I will have to wire your parents for the money.
Merry: You wouldn’t.
Frodo: I would… Have fun.
[Frodo and Sam each shoulder a bag and head downstairs.]
Pippin: Have fun? Not hardly.
Merry: Oh, we’ll have fun. Or are you forgetting the living room is still furnitureless. We’ll just keep everyone in there.
Pippin: Excellent! Party on Merry!
Merry: Party on Pip!
[They start head banging and playing air guitar.]
**********
[That night. Cut to somewhere in Middle Earth. There are lots of green hills, some with ruins on top. The cars are driving through a bare, treeless valley. There are two stones standing straight out of the ground up ahead. It’s a toll booth. They pay the fee and drive through. A half hour later, a light fog is settling in the valley, just as the cars pull over and stop. Everyone gets out and unloads the luggage.]
Arwen: Where are we?
Gandalf: The Barrow Downs Resort and Spa.
Boromir: I don’t see it.
Gandalf: It’s just a short hike up this hill and down into the barrow. Give the password to the barrow wight and he’ll let you in.
Glorfindel: (worried, and for once acting normal) Gandalf, are you sure this is the right place? This isn’t what Elrond and I talked about.
Gandalf: Elrond felt it was time to try something more drastic. But don’t worry. You should all be fine. Hopefully. Now, I’m off to Bree to see a bartender about a letter. I’ll be back as soon as I get word that you’ve been released. (gets in a car and speeds away)
Boromir: Wait! What’s the password?
Gimli: And what did he mean by “been released”?
Frodo: I don’t like this place. Let’s just take the other car and go home.
Glorfindel: Gandalf has the keys.
Eowyn: I can hot-wire it.
Glorfindel: No you can’t. It won’t start without the key – it’s got a chip or something in it.
Legolas: So what do we do now?
Frodo: Up the hill and down into the barrow? I mean, Elrond wouldn’t send us anyplace dangerous would he?
Boromir: No, not with Arwen here.
[Everyone takes heart in this and starts trudging up the hill with their luggage. The fog is coming down thicker so that they have to huddle together to not lose each other. They look around for the entrance to the barrow, but don’t find it until Gimli inadvertently falls through it. They all jump in after him and find themselves in a long dark tunnel. For once, they are grateful that Glorfindel can double as a flashlight. They slowly make their way down the tunnel, turn a corner, and come face to face with the barrow wight.]
[Cut to Gimli in c.r.]: He looked like the Crypt Keeper, only not as pretty. And the detachable arm was quite unnerving.
[Cut back to long, dark tunnel.]
Barrow Wight: Password?
Glorfindel: Don’t worry, I know it.
Barrow Wight: Sorry, that isn’t it. You shall die now.
Glorfindel: I haven’t said it yet. I was talking to them.
Barrow Wight: (rolls eyes) Password?
Glorfindel: Caput Draconis.
Barrow Wight: (sighing heavily, obviously disappointed) Yes, that is correct. Do you have any luggage?
[They point to their bags. The barrow wight’s arm falls off and crawls over to the luggage and starts loading it on the trolley. Arwen and Eowyn scream and hide behind Legolas and Boromir. Barrow wight cheers up slightly to see them scared. He pushes a button and a door swings open, revealing another long, dark tunnel.]
Barrow Wight: (reciting drably) Welcome to the wonderful and delightful Barrow Downs Resort and Spa. Check in at the front desk. Your hostess will be the Lady Goldberry, and your host is Master Tom Bombadil. While you are here, you will be required to wear these white robes (holds out white robes but no one moves) Well, take them.
[The girls nudge the guys, who nudge Glorfindel. He groans and steps forward to take the robes and hand them to everyone else.]
Barrow Wight: You will put those on as soon as you get to your room. All other clothes will be confiscated until the time of your check out, which will be arranged as soon as you satisfactorily complete all course requirements.
Glorfindel: Wait – when we what?
Barrow Wight: (sighing deeply, then speaking slowly) When you sat-is-fact-orily com-plete all course re-qui-re-ments.
Glorfindel: But we’re only supposed to be here for a week.
Barrow Wight: (snickering) A week? A week, he says! Hahahahaha hehehehe Muahahahahaha HAAAAAA HAAAAAAA HAAAA!... No. You leave when we say you leave. Now, follow the trolley, or perish.
[Barrow wight’s arm drives trolley through the door and down the tunnel. The girls are now clinging to the guys for dear life. Frodo has his pepper spray at the ready. They walk down the tunnel. There is a dim light up ahead. It gets closer with each step and soon they come out into a brightly candlelit lobby that would put the Ritz Carleton to shame.]
Arwen: Oh, it’s beautiful!
Legolas: Certainly not what I was expecting. And is that a video game room!
Boromir: Where?!
Glorfindel: (somewhat back to his old self) Now, wait just a minute fellows. We still need to check in and meet our host and hostess. There will be time for games later.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I have a really really REALLY bad feeling about this.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: This might not be so bad after all. I hope.
**********
[Meanwhile, back in Rivendell. The next day. Merry and Pippin are hard at work with their party and have ironed out most of the details. There’s just one thing left to do.]
Pippin: I’ll make the fliers.
Merry: No, I will.
Pippin: No I will.
Merry: Pippin, you know you’re not allowed to use the Palantir.
Pippin: Why not?
Merry: Because, you’ll go on there for one thing, wind up doing something completely different, and then we won’t be able to pry you away from it for three days.
Pippin: That was an isolated incident.
Merry: No it wasn’t. You have a problem and I won’t let you use the Palantir.
Pippin: (getting upset) I am NOT addicted to the Palantir! I’m making the fliers and you can’t stop me! (runs out of room)
Merry: Wait! Get back here! I promised your father I wouldn’t let you!
[They reach the den, but Sam is already there, typing away.]
Pippin: What are you doing?
Sam: Talking to Rosie.
Pippin: She can read?
Sam: (getting upset) Of course she can.
Pippin: Oh, well, you’re done now. It’s my turn.
Merry and Sam: No it isn’t.
Sam: This is the first chance I’ve had to talk to her since I got here. Forget it. You’ll just have to wait.
Pippin: (on verge of throwing hissy fit) But I want to! I’m allowed! It’s my turn!
Sam: Mr. Pippin, you should know that Mr. Frodo put me in charge of keeping you two out of trouble, as much as possible anyway. And he’s given me free leave to take whatever action I feel is necessary in order to do that.
Pippin: What does that mean?
Sam: Don’t make me angry. (goes back to typing)
Pippin: But…
[Sam glares at him and Pippin wisely decides not to push his luck. He stomps out of den, stomps down hall, stomps upstairs, stomps to his room and slams door.]
Merry: Well done Sam. But is that really true?
Sam: Would I say it if it weren’t?
Merry: You’re not going to stop us from having the party are you?
Sam: Are you expecting me to clean up after?
Merry: Why would we do that?
Sam: Why wouldn’t you?
Merry: Don’t you trust us to clean up after ourselves?
Sam: Is there any reason for me not to?
Merry: Why do we keep talking in questions?
Sam: I don’t know, but we should stop, don’t you think?
Merry: How do we do that?
Sam: Well, shouldn’t it be obvious?
Merry: Then why do you keep doing it?
Sam: Aren’t you the one who started it?
Merry: (taking deep breath) Ok, we’re just going to stop, ok?
Sam: But wasn’t that another question?
Merry: STOP!
Sam: Right. How?
[Merry gives up and leaves.]
Sam: Now that was fun.
[Sam goes back to typing. Merry goes upstairs and finds Pippin. They eventually decide to make a flier on paper and take it into town to print copies.]
**********
[Back at the Barrow Downs. Housemates are adjusting very badly to their “retreat.” The robes they have to wear are incredibly ugly and itchy, and the Elves are upset about not being able to keep their other clothes. They all have to share a single room, much to the girls’ dismay and Arwen, to her horror, discovers there are no electrical outlets for her hair dryer. Breakfast is served promptly at 6:00, but wake up isn’t till 6:30, so no one is on time to eat and have to wait for lunch. The gift shop has nothing in it but gaudy jewelry, but Frodo does manage to find some swords to take back for Sam, Merry and Pippin. Boromir, Legolas and Gimli go to the video game room, but all they have is Pong. Arwen, Eowyn and Glorfindel check out the spa, but leave when they find out the masseuses are more detached arms. By lunch, they’re all completely bored and/or freaked out of their minds. Then Goldberry finds them and leads the housemates to an “activity” room, which is completely devoid of anything that could possibly be used for any kind of activity.]
Goldberry: Your group therapy begins now. So, stand in a circle and face each other. Ok, now you, stand there. And you, over there. And you two switch. Perfect! Now, take your neighbor’s hand. (no one moves) Go on, don’t be shy. … Go on now, no one’s going to bite. Except maybe me. (snickers)
[Everyone quickly grabs their neighbor’s hand, and wait uncertainly for whatever is going to happen next.]
Goldberry: Perfect! Wonderful! Our first activity will be to go around in a circle and say one good thing about the person on your right. Glorfindel, why don’t you start?
Glorfindel: Ok, well, Eowyn is very assertive and independent.
Goldberry: I said one thing, not two. You have a problem listening to simple orders. We’ll have to clean out those ears. Eowyn, your turn.
Eowyn: Well, Boromir is… he’s… sort of… well… um… Oh! I know! He has good aim. When he wants to, which isn’t very often.
Goldberry: I see, mm-hm mm-hm. You have intimacy issues. We’ll get you sorted out. Boromir, tell us something about Arwen that you like.
Boromir: Well, she’s always clean.
Goldberry: You are far too concerned with appearances, but that’s an easy fix. Arwen, your turn.
Arwen: Gimli is always willing to lend a hand.
Goldberry: Of course. You’re spoiled and expect everything handed to you on a gold platter. We’ll break that right out of you. Gimli, you’re next.
Gimli: That’s easy. Frodo is one of the most learned persons I know, which is all the more surprising in that he’s a hobbit.
Goldberry: You don’t like stupid people do you? And you look down on other races. You obviously have a superiority complex. We’ll bring you back down to Middle-earth. Frodo, what do you like about Legolas?
Frodo: Everything.
Goldberry: Everything?
Frodo: Yes.
Goldberry: I see. You have a disease to please. You never say no to anyone. We’ll toughen you up. And now Legolas, last but not least. Come on, let’s hear one good thing about Glorfindel.
Legolas: I can’t.
Goldberry: ‘Can’t’ is not a word in our vocabulary. Now, come on, you can do it.
Legolas: I won’t.
Goldberry: A rebel. Well, we know what to do with those. (gets out a razor blade and can of shaving cream) How would you like to be bald?
Legolas: Glorfindel is very shiny.
Goldberry: (puts everything away) That’s better! Good for you. But you obviously like to be the center of attention, and I indulged you. We’ll have to stop that. Now, sit down everyone, close your eyes, don’t release hands. Perfect! Now, the second activity is meditation. Picture yourself and the person on your right doing something together that you both enjoy, and see how much fun you’re having together! Picture it real hard and concentrate on it while taking deep, soothing breaths. Marvelous! Now, do that for thirty minutes. I’ll be back.
[They listen for the door to close behind her, then drop each other’s hands and get up.]
Eowyn: I’m going to be sick.
Frodo: This is all a very disturbing experience.
Boromir: We have to get out of here.
Arwen: How?
Glorfindel: Don’t you think we should at least give this a try? Elrond said we would find peace and comfort here.
Boromir: I will find no rest here. I can still hear her voice inside my head, and it’s really wigging me out! And why does she keep saying ‘we’? Who’s we?!
Legolas: It’s all right man. We’ll find a way out. Or we’ll die trying.
**********
[Over the next couple of days, the housemates are going through more horror over at the wonderful and delightful Barrow Downs Resort and Spa. They continue to have their “group therapy” sessions with Goldberry. If that isn’t enough, they are also forced to have a sing-along of really horribly written folk songs with their host Tom Bombadil and it isn’t long before everyone realizes this is the “weird guy on crack” Merry and Pippin talked about when they first came to visit. Desperate, the housemates start plotting their prison break.]
Frodo: (whispering) Merry and Pippin just kicked him and were able to get away.
Legolas: (whispering) Ok, so we kick him. And then what?
Frodo: (whispering) I’m still working on that.
Arwen: (whispering) We should all go around and look for weak spots.
Eowyn: (whispering) And learn everyone’s schedules and stuff.
Glorfindel: (whispering) I really don’t think that’s going to be necessary. I’ve been looking at the itinerary–
Tom: (whispering) What are we all whispering about?
Housemates: AAAHHHH!!!
[Everyone decides to do as Arwen and Eowyn suggested and casually wander around, looking for ways out and watching the staff. The girls manage to find where all their clothes are being stored. Legolas, Boromir and Gimli follow some workers and find out where the back door is, but it requires security clearance to get through. Frodo goes through his luggage and finds all kinds of stuff that will come in useful for their escape, including copies of the car keys and a gas card. Glorfindel constantly tries to get everyone’s attention, but they all ignore him. Finally, he has enough and just corners Legolas in the hallway.]
Glorfindel: (acting like a normal person again) I know how to get out of here.
Legolas: Oh, yeah, I’m sure you do.
[Legolas tries to leave, but Glorfindel just slams him against the wall.]
Glorfindel: Will you just shut up and listen for a change. Or do you want to stay?
Legolas: Of course I don’t.
Glorfindel: Good. Then is what we’re going to do...
[They talk for awhile and Legolas seems to be incredibly impressed by what he hears.]
**********
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: Oh, man, Boromir’s gonna kill us!
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: No good can come of this.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: I’ve been practicing all week, and I can pick that lock in 15 seconds!
[Cut to Thursday morning. The Real World house sits serenely and innocently in the first rays of sunlight. Merry and Pippin are putting the finishing touches on the decorations for the party and are preparing the food. Sam has agreed to clear out all the breakable items from the first floor, just in case. Pippin pretends to help him, but then disappears. Merry finally goes looking for him and finds him in the upstairs hallway, kneeling in front of a decorative table with a supposedly decorative drawer. He’s picking the lock.]
Merry: Do you honestly think Glorfindel will leave his shampoo here while he’s gone?
Pippin: Of course not, but there’s no harm in practicing. I figure we should do it as soon as they get back. The sooner he’s back from vacation, the less he’ll be on his guard. It’s the last thing he’ll expect.
Merry: Good thinking. But where’s Sam? If he sees you...
Pippin: I told him you were burning the food, and since you’re up here, you probably are.
[The drawer lock clinks and Pippin opens drawer in triumph, then glances at his watch.]
Pippin: Perfect! We’re ready to roll!
[Cut to later that night. The party’s in full swing and going well. The DJ is rocking the joint and everyone is having a blast. Merry and Pippin are surrounded by Elf babes and are totally soaking it up. Sam is patrolling, making sure no one wanders off where they don’t belong. He’s just strolled through the kitchen when something slinks in through the garden door and runs along the shadows. The party rages into the wee hours of the night, until the police show up and make everyone leave. Merry and Pippin aren’t very phased by this and continue jamming through the house, until...]
Pippin: Merry?
[Merry comes back to the hallway by the kitchen where Pippin is standing and staring at the fish tank. Merry looks at fish tank and drops his glass.]
Merry: What the hell?!
[All the fish are gone, except one – Twinkle Jr., who is floating upside down.]
Pippin: He’s been murdered!
Merry: Don’t be silly. You can’t murder a fish.
Pippin: But, who did it? Where are the other fish?
Merry: How am I supposed to know? I didn’t see anything unusual. Where’s Sam? ... SAM!
[They go off looking for Sam and find him out in the garden, staring fiercely at the garden wall, but there’s nothing there.]
Merry: What is it Sam? What do you see?
Sam: A Gollum. I just chased him off.
Merry: Well, that explains the fish.
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
Merry: Pippin!
[The hobbits go into town the next day and search every single pet store for a Twinkle Jr. look alike, but fail miserably. Pippin suggests getting a fish and painting it, but Sam puts a stop to that real quick. They finally give up. Merry and Pippin go back to the house to start the cleaning up. Sam goes to search for any signs of Gollum.]
**********
[Saturday morning. Housemates are clumped together in the dining hall, finalizing their plans for escape.]
Arwen: I still don’t see why we can’t take our clothes. I hate these robes. They make my hips look big.
Legolas: Clothes can be replaced. Our sanity can’t.
Arwen: But Frodo gets to take practically everything he brought with him.
Boromir: That’s because Frodo actually brought stuff that is useful. What possessed you to pack a flame torch anyway?
Frodo: Nothing. Sam did the packing, and I had no idea he even put that in there.
Glorfindel: We’ll have to thank him when we get back.
Gimli: We make our move today then?
Glorfindel: It’s now or never. Everyone knows what they have to do? (they all nod) Good. Now, timing is crucial. It could make us or break us, so don’t make a move till I say so. You all have your supplies? (they all nod) Good. Here he comes. Look natural.
[They all sit up and go back to eating their breakfast and talking loudly and cheerfully.]
Glorfindel: (rolling his eyes) Natural, people! What’s wrong with you?
[They calm down and look gloomy and pick at their food, just as they have been the entire week. Tom comes up, bouncing cheerfully and humming some inane song. He stops in front of their table and looks at them expectantly.]
Tom: Everyone ready for our nature hike today? We’ll heading off for the quay.
[They all nod]
Tom: Wonderful! Let’s get going! Follow me. If we make good time, we’ll get there for tea.
[They get up and follow him to the back door and allow him to put them in a line and bind their ankles with shackles.]
Tom: Don’t want anyone getting lost. We’re going into the Old Forest, you know. Those trees are mean.
Gimli: That’s awfully considerate of you.
[They follow him outside and away from the barrows. They wait until the barrows are completely out of view. Then Glorfindel lights a match. Boromir quickly gets the flame torch going and blasts through the chain holding them all together. Tom tries to stop them, but Arwen, Eowyn and Legolas hold him off with the swords Frodo had bought, then Gimli pounces him and kicks him the knee caps as Frodo gets him full in the eyes with pepper spray. Tom crumples to the ground.]
Glorfindel: RUN! To your right! No, your other right!
[Everyone bolts and high tails it for the car that is still parked where they left it in the valley. It’s daylight, so they don’t have to worry about the barrow wights, but they come face to face with Goldberry.]
Goldberry: Where do you think you’re going?
Boromir: I’ve never hit a woman before. Don’t make me start now.
Eowyn: Oh please. (decks Goldberry cold)
Legolas: Knock out!
Glorfindel: Come on! We must not linger here!
Legolas: Hey, that’s my line.
Glorfindel: Just shut up and get in the car.
[They pile into car. Frodo and Gimli are forced to sit on Eowyn’s and Arwen’s laps. Glorfindel jumps in the driver’s seat and guns the engine. They peel out and are almost free except...]
Glorfindel: Damn it! I forgot about the stupid tollbooth!
Boromir: Just run it!
Glorfindel: You can’t run a tollbooth. Who has change?
[They all dig around for change and miraculously find some in the ashtray. Glorfindel pays, waits patiently for the gate to open, then burns rubber.]
Legolas: We’re out! We made it! We’re FREEEEE! I LOVE you man!
Glorfindel: Oh please. It’s so obvious.
Continued in Week 12
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