Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 14th, 2010 08:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 5
An Interlude – The Lesser Council of Elrond
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of an undetermined number of strangers…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Elrond: Welcome back to the Real World – Rivendell
[Shot of house the next day, empty and lonely. Cut to later that night. Elrond enters house, followed by Arwen, Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, Eowyn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin. None of them look very happy as they sit down in various places around the living room. Elrond stands in front of them and waits for their attention.]
Elrond: Now that I’ve managed to catch all of you and bring you back here, I can explain how this works, perhaps more clearly than was explained to you when you first moved into the house, as clearly you seem to have a problem following the rules. (waits a few moments for dramatic effect, then continues) Now, those of you who are actual housemates, or were meant to be housemates, agreed to live here for six months and have your lives taped. You are contractually bound to that agreement. Circumstances being what they are, however, we have agreed to shorten that time down to whenever the scouts return from their Nazgul Scavenger Hunt. Which means you still have to live here until that time. You WILL honor that agreement. Those of you who are not actual housemates and have barged in unannounced and made complete nuisances of yourselves will have to leave the house immediately.
Sam, Merry and Pippin: Hey!
Merry: That’s not fair. The house voted!
Sam: There’s no way I’m leaving Mr. Frodo!
Pippin: Yeah, you can’t kick us out. You’ll have to tie us up in sacks first.
Elrond: I thought you might say as much.
[Elrond claps his hands and 3 elves with sacks come in and attempt to seize the hobbits. But the hobbits are too fast for them and are soon hiding throughout the house. The elves go to look for them.]
Boromir: (to Frodo) Don’t worry. They’ll never find them.
Elrond: They will find them, and they will be taken back to my house where they will remain until the start of the Quest. That goes for you as well Gandalf. You’ll need the rest, trust me. Aragorn, you get to go out with the scouts. I’ll have no more of these overnight visits.
Aragorn: For the last time, nothing happened. I was on the couch the whole night. I never even got close to Arwen’s room.
Elrond: Yes, well, we’ll see about that when I review the tapes.
Legolas: (trying to act cool and failing miserably) Review the tapes? Is that really necessary?
Boromir: Yeah, we can all vouch for him. He never even went upstairs. Well, he did once, but not for Arwen, that was for me. But not like that! It was because I… (trails off, glances nervously at Frodo, who’s watching him with raised eyebrows) Er, you don’t really have to review the tapes, do you?
Arwen: Yeah, Daddy. Don’t you trust me? (pouty lip and sulky eyes)
Elrond: Of course, I do, pumpkin.
Arwen: Then you don’t need to view the tapes.
Elrond: But…
Arwen: Daddy, don’t make me angry. I have your credit cards and I know how to use them.
Elrond: Fine, fine, have it your way.
Arwen: Oh, thank you Daddy! (pecks him on cheek)
[Legolas and Boromir sigh in relief.]
*********
[Cut to game room down the hall. Elf #1 is searching it, a sack at the ready. He spies something in a shadowy corner and darts for it. It comes out and kicks him in the knee caps.]
Elf #1: Ow! That hurt!
Merry: Hobbits – 1; Elves – 0.
[Merry runs from room to find a new hiding spot while Elf #1 rubs his knee caps which are already bruising.]
*********
[Cut back to living room.]
Elrond: Now, the original housemates will be reinstated as thus: Arwen and Eowyn will continue to share their room. Legolas and Gimli – it is clear the two of you need some bonding time. You will share a room. Frodo, due to the Burden placed upon you, you will remain in the single room, alone. Boromir, you will be bunking with the new housemate in the room previously occupied by the treacherous Saruman.
Eowyn: Who’s that?
Boromir: He’s the Wizard of the Many-Colored Disco Robe, remember?
Eowyn: I meant, who is the new housemate, you moron.
Boromir: Hey, you’re supposed to be nice to me now.
Eowyn: (smiling sweetly) I meant, Borry-dear, who is the new housemate, oh supreme one.
Boromir: Your sarcasm is not appreciated.
*********
[Cut to gardens outside. Elf #2 is sneaking up on one of the hobbits. He drops the sack over his prize in triumph and slings it over his shoulder. Just then, Sam and Pippin come rushing out of the bushes and push the elf into the pond. The elf’s sack bursts open. Camera zooms in on the sack of potatoes with a makeshift wig that fell off of it. Sam and Pippin high five.]
Pippin: Hobbits 2.
Sam: Elves 0. (picks up potatoes) See, I told you taters were good for more than just cooking.
Elf #2: Just wait till I get out of here. I’ll show you something else they’re good for.
Pippin: Quick! Hide!
[Sam and Pippin run off to hide again. Elf #2 gets up, takes one step, slips on a batch of lily pads, and falls backwards again.]
*********
[Cut back to living room. Elrond has now separated Eowyn and Boromir, and has continued with the meeting.]
Elrond: Your new housemate was previously going to be an original member of the house, but due to certain circumstances (he and Arwen share a look) has been unable to fulfill his duties until now.
[Elrond claps his hands again. An elf surrounded by a white ethereal light and with perfectly primped curly golden hair enters the room.]
Elrond: Meet Glorfindel, High Elf Lord.
Glorfindel: Hello.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Ugh. I hope he doesn’t glow like that all the time. Although he could come in handy as a night light.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Great, as if things couldn’t get worse.
[Cut back to living room]
Boromir: (turns to Arwen) You said he was dead!
Arwen: I never said any such thing. I just said he wasn’t here.
Glorfindel: But I am now. (flips hair and shakes it out) And I’ll be keeping my eye on you.
Boromir: Why?! I haven’t done anything to you.
Glorfindel: You didn’t recognize me at the Council.
Boromir: Should I have?
Glorfindel: (flips hair) Yes, you should have. I am Glorfindel, High Elf Lord. I slew a Balrog of Melkor, and returned rebodied from Valinor which, as you know, no other Elf has ever done before. Or since, for that matter.
Legolas: (cough) Luthien (cough)
[Arwen rolls eyes and examines her nails. Eowyn doesn’t know whether to laugh or go running from the room; Gimli and Frodo seem to have settled on bolting.]
Boromir: (to Elrond) You can’t be serious about me rooming with this guy.
Elrond: I am, and you will.
*********
[Cut to Eowyn’s and Arwen’s room upstairs. Elf #3 is on hands and knees, searching under the beds. He sees something and reaches under to grab it. It sprays his eyes with cooking spray.]
Elf #3: Ow! (rubs eyes vigorously as they start to burn) What the hell?
Sam: Sorry, Mr. Elf! A little bit of water will do the trick. (runs out of room)
[Elf #3 leaves room, goes into bathroom and washes out eyes, but they are still stinging and red. He reenters hall and runs into the other elves in the hallway, one of whom is limping. The other is dripping wet and has pond scum in his hair.]
Elf #2: So, you guys didn’t have any luck either?
Elf #1: Who knew hobbits could be so wily.
Elf #3: Elrond won’t notice if we don’t actually catch them will he? I mean, he is extremely busy.
Elf #1: You’re not looking very good. We should get you to a healer.
Elf #3: But what about the hobbits?
[They look around them and then down at their empty sacks.]
Elf #2: You know, I did forget to go grocery shopping today. Let’s raid the kitchen and fill the sacks. If we leave quickly enough, Elrond will just think we got the hobbits.
*********
[Cut to living room, where Elrond is wrapping up the meeting. The 3 elves come hurrying through with extremely lumpy sacks and head right out the door, not looking at anyone.]
Elrond: I told you they’d catch them.
[Frodo and Gandalf exchange looks, Eowyn seems skeptical. Boromir looks impressed until he glances down the hallway and notices the hobbits sneaking upstairs. He nudges Legolas, who manages to keep a straight face. Aragorn sees them also and inches over to hide the stairway from view. Glorfindel is examining himself in a mirror and so doesn’t notice anything, and Gimli still looks ready to bolt. Arwen is now braiding her hair.]
Elrond: Now, I will be checking in every few days or so to make sure everything is running smoothly. I trust you will all get along just fine. Gandalf, Aragorn, we’re leaving now.
[Gandalf gets up and follows Elrond to the door. Aragorn goes to kiss Arwen good-bye. They kiss a really long time.]
Elrond: All right, that’s enough. Break it up or I’m getting the hose.
[They leave. Frodo, Boromir, Legolas, Arwen, Eowyn, Gimli and Glorfindel are left, staring at each other.]
Boromir: Well, look at the bright side. We don’t have to follow that stupid chore chart anymore.
Legolas: Thank Illuvatar. I was next up for bathroom duty. (grimaces unpleasantly)
Arwen: (yawns) Well, I don’t know about you all, but I’m turning in.
Eowyn: Yeah, me too.
[She follows Arwen upstairs, but Arwen slams the door in her face and locks her out of the room.]
Eowyn: Oh no you didn’t girlie-girl. You do NOT want to piss me off! (bangs against door)
[Cut back downstairs]
Gimli: Yes, I think it would be wise for us all to get some sleep, and start off tomorrow well rested.
Frodo: Well rested? In this house? Fat chance.
Gimli: I assure you, Master Hobbit, I can sleep through anything.
Legolas: Good. Then Glory-boy’s immense snoring won’t bother you.
Gimli: And what is that supposed to mean?
Boromir: It means I’m rooming with Legolas, as I was before.
Legolas: And you’ll be rooming with Glorfindel.
Glorfindel: (hearing his name) Not to fear Master Dwarf. (flips hair while running fingers through curls) You will soon find rooming with me to be the best, most thrilling, experience of your life.
Gimli: (backing up) We’ll only be sharing a room, not a bed, thank the stars.
Legolas: (laughing) Actually, there is only the one bed in Saruman’s old room, so unless one of you wants to sleep on the floor…
Boromir: Sleep tight. (they start to leave) Frodo.
Frodo: What?
Boromir: Come on Little One. I think there’s something waiting to surprise you in your room. Three somethings, ‘if you take my meaning’.
[Frodo does ‘take his meaning’ and follows Boromir and Legolas upstairs, where Eowyn has finally managed to knock the door off its hinges and force her way into her room. Frodo slips into his room and is instantly pounced on by 3 stowaway hobbits. Boromir and Legolas go into their room and turn in.]
[Cut to downstairs. Gimli looks on miserably as Glorfindel examines himself in a mirror.]
Glorfindel: Yes, Master Dwarf, I do believe you are the lucky one.
[Glorfindel goes upstairs to his room. Gimli goes to couch and settles in for the night.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Announcer: How long will the stowaways be able to remain hidden? Will the old tensions be mended? Will we be able to get out of this season without the housemates killing each other? These questions and many more to be answered as the season continues!
Continued in Week 6, Part I
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 5
An Interlude – The Lesser Council of Elrond
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of an undetermined number of strangers…
Gimli: Forced to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Elrond: Welcome back to the Real World – Rivendell
[Shot of house the next day, empty and lonely. Cut to later that night. Elrond enters house, followed by Arwen, Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, Eowyn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin. None of them look very happy as they sit down in various places around the living room. Elrond stands in front of them and waits for their attention.]
Elrond: Now that I’ve managed to catch all of you and bring you back here, I can explain how this works, perhaps more clearly than was explained to you when you first moved into the house, as clearly you seem to have a problem following the rules. (waits a few moments for dramatic effect, then continues) Now, those of you who are actual housemates, or were meant to be housemates, agreed to live here for six months and have your lives taped. You are contractually bound to that agreement. Circumstances being what they are, however, we have agreed to shorten that time down to whenever the scouts return from their Nazgul Scavenger Hunt. Which means you still have to live here until that time. You WILL honor that agreement. Those of you who are not actual housemates and have barged in unannounced and made complete nuisances of yourselves will have to leave the house immediately.
Sam, Merry and Pippin: Hey!
Merry: That’s not fair. The house voted!
Sam: There’s no way I’m leaving Mr. Frodo!
Pippin: Yeah, you can’t kick us out. You’ll have to tie us up in sacks first.
Elrond: I thought you might say as much.
[Elrond claps his hands and 3 elves with sacks come in and attempt to seize the hobbits. But the hobbits are too fast for them and are soon hiding throughout the house. The elves go to look for them.]
Boromir: (to Frodo) Don’t worry. They’ll never find them.
Elrond: They will find them, and they will be taken back to my house where they will remain until the start of the Quest. That goes for you as well Gandalf. You’ll need the rest, trust me. Aragorn, you get to go out with the scouts. I’ll have no more of these overnight visits.
Aragorn: For the last time, nothing happened. I was on the couch the whole night. I never even got close to Arwen’s room.
Elrond: Yes, well, we’ll see about that when I review the tapes.
Legolas: (trying to act cool and failing miserably) Review the tapes? Is that really necessary?
Boromir: Yeah, we can all vouch for him. He never even went upstairs. Well, he did once, but not for Arwen, that was for me. But not like that! It was because I… (trails off, glances nervously at Frodo, who’s watching him with raised eyebrows) Er, you don’t really have to review the tapes, do you?
Arwen: Yeah, Daddy. Don’t you trust me? (pouty lip and sulky eyes)
Elrond: Of course, I do, pumpkin.
Arwen: Then you don’t need to view the tapes.
Elrond: But…
Arwen: Daddy, don’t make me angry. I have your credit cards and I know how to use them.
Elrond: Fine, fine, have it your way.
Arwen: Oh, thank you Daddy! (pecks him on cheek)
[Legolas and Boromir sigh in relief.]
*********
[Cut to game room down the hall. Elf #1 is searching it, a sack at the ready. He spies something in a shadowy corner and darts for it. It comes out and kicks him in the knee caps.]
Elf #1: Ow! That hurt!
Merry: Hobbits – 1; Elves – 0.
[Merry runs from room to find a new hiding spot while Elf #1 rubs his knee caps which are already bruising.]
*********
[Cut back to living room.]
Elrond: Now, the original housemates will be reinstated as thus: Arwen and Eowyn will continue to share their room. Legolas and Gimli – it is clear the two of you need some bonding time. You will share a room. Frodo, due to the Burden placed upon you, you will remain in the single room, alone. Boromir, you will be bunking with the new housemate in the room previously occupied by the treacherous Saruman.
Eowyn: Who’s that?
Boromir: He’s the Wizard of the Many-Colored Disco Robe, remember?
Eowyn: I meant, who is the new housemate, you moron.
Boromir: Hey, you’re supposed to be nice to me now.
Eowyn: (smiling sweetly) I meant, Borry-dear, who is the new housemate, oh supreme one.
Boromir: Your sarcasm is not appreciated.
*********
[Cut to gardens outside. Elf #2 is sneaking up on one of the hobbits. He drops the sack over his prize in triumph and slings it over his shoulder. Just then, Sam and Pippin come rushing out of the bushes and push the elf into the pond. The elf’s sack bursts open. Camera zooms in on the sack of potatoes with a makeshift wig that fell off of it. Sam and Pippin high five.]
Pippin: Hobbits 2.
Sam: Elves 0. (picks up potatoes) See, I told you taters were good for more than just cooking.
Elf #2: Just wait till I get out of here. I’ll show you something else they’re good for.
Pippin: Quick! Hide!
[Sam and Pippin run off to hide again. Elf #2 gets up, takes one step, slips on a batch of lily pads, and falls backwards again.]
*********
[Cut back to living room. Elrond has now separated Eowyn and Boromir, and has continued with the meeting.]
Elrond: Your new housemate was previously going to be an original member of the house, but due to certain circumstances (he and Arwen share a look) has been unable to fulfill his duties until now.
[Elrond claps his hands again. An elf surrounded by a white ethereal light and with perfectly primped curly golden hair enters the room.]
Elrond: Meet Glorfindel, High Elf Lord.
Glorfindel: Hello.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Ugh. I hope he doesn’t glow like that all the time. Although he could come in handy as a night light.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Great, as if things couldn’t get worse.
[Cut back to living room]
Boromir: (turns to Arwen) You said he was dead!
Arwen: I never said any such thing. I just said he wasn’t here.
Glorfindel: But I am now. (flips hair and shakes it out) And I’ll be keeping my eye on you.
Boromir: Why?! I haven’t done anything to you.
Glorfindel: You didn’t recognize me at the Council.
Boromir: Should I have?
Glorfindel: (flips hair) Yes, you should have. I am Glorfindel, High Elf Lord. I slew a Balrog of Melkor, and returned rebodied from Valinor which, as you know, no other Elf has ever done before. Or since, for that matter.
Legolas: (cough) Luthien (cough)
[Arwen rolls eyes and examines her nails. Eowyn doesn’t know whether to laugh or go running from the room; Gimli and Frodo seem to have settled on bolting.]
Boromir: (to Elrond) You can’t be serious about me rooming with this guy.
Elrond: I am, and you will.
*********
[Cut to Eowyn’s and Arwen’s room upstairs. Elf #3 is on hands and knees, searching under the beds. He sees something and reaches under to grab it. It sprays his eyes with cooking spray.]
Elf #3: Ow! (rubs eyes vigorously as they start to burn) What the hell?
Sam: Sorry, Mr. Elf! A little bit of water will do the trick. (runs out of room)
[Elf #3 leaves room, goes into bathroom and washes out eyes, but they are still stinging and red. He reenters hall and runs into the other elves in the hallway, one of whom is limping. The other is dripping wet and has pond scum in his hair.]
Elf #2: So, you guys didn’t have any luck either?
Elf #1: Who knew hobbits could be so wily.
Elf #3: Elrond won’t notice if we don’t actually catch them will he? I mean, he is extremely busy.
Elf #1: You’re not looking very good. We should get you to a healer.
Elf #3: But what about the hobbits?
[They look around them and then down at their empty sacks.]
Elf #2: You know, I did forget to go grocery shopping today. Let’s raid the kitchen and fill the sacks. If we leave quickly enough, Elrond will just think we got the hobbits.
*********
[Cut to living room, where Elrond is wrapping up the meeting. The 3 elves come hurrying through with extremely lumpy sacks and head right out the door, not looking at anyone.]
Elrond: I told you they’d catch them.
[Frodo and Gandalf exchange looks, Eowyn seems skeptical. Boromir looks impressed until he glances down the hallway and notices the hobbits sneaking upstairs. He nudges Legolas, who manages to keep a straight face. Aragorn sees them also and inches over to hide the stairway from view. Glorfindel is examining himself in a mirror and so doesn’t notice anything, and Gimli still looks ready to bolt. Arwen is now braiding her hair.]
Elrond: Now, I will be checking in every few days or so to make sure everything is running smoothly. I trust you will all get along just fine. Gandalf, Aragorn, we’re leaving now.
[Gandalf gets up and follows Elrond to the door. Aragorn goes to kiss Arwen good-bye. They kiss a really long time.]
Elrond: All right, that’s enough. Break it up or I’m getting the hose.
[They leave. Frodo, Boromir, Legolas, Arwen, Eowyn, Gimli and Glorfindel are left, staring at each other.]
Boromir: Well, look at the bright side. We don’t have to follow that stupid chore chart anymore.
Legolas: Thank Illuvatar. I was next up for bathroom duty. (grimaces unpleasantly)
Arwen: (yawns) Well, I don’t know about you all, but I’m turning in.
Eowyn: Yeah, me too.
[She follows Arwen upstairs, but Arwen slams the door in her face and locks her out of the room.]
Eowyn: Oh no you didn’t girlie-girl. You do NOT want to piss me off! (bangs against door)
[Cut back downstairs]
Gimli: Yes, I think it would be wise for us all to get some sleep, and start off tomorrow well rested.
Frodo: Well rested? In this house? Fat chance.
Gimli: I assure you, Master Hobbit, I can sleep through anything.
Legolas: Good. Then Glory-boy’s immense snoring won’t bother you.
Gimli: And what is that supposed to mean?
Boromir: It means I’m rooming with Legolas, as I was before.
Legolas: And you’ll be rooming with Glorfindel.
Glorfindel: (hearing his name) Not to fear Master Dwarf. (flips hair while running fingers through curls) You will soon find rooming with me to be the best, most thrilling, experience of your life.
Gimli: (backing up) We’ll only be sharing a room, not a bed, thank the stars.
Legolas: (laughing) Actually, there is only the one bed in Saruman’s old room, so unless one of you wants to sleep on the floor…
Boromir: Sleep tight. (they start to leave) Frodo.
Frodo: What?
Boromir: Come on Little One. I think there’s something waiting to surprise you in your room. Three somethings, ‘if you take my meaning’.
[Frodo does ‘take his meaning’ and follows Boromir and Legolas upstairs, where Eowyn has finally managed to knock the door off its hinges and force her way into her room. Frodo slips into his room and is instantly pounced on by 3 stowaway hobbits. Boromir and Legolas go into their room and turn in.]
[Cut to downstairs. Gimli looks on miserably as Glorfindel examines himself in a mirror.]
Glorfindel: Yes, Master Dwarf, I do believe you are the lucky one.
[Glorfindel goes upstairs to his room. Gimli goes to couch and settles in for the night.]
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Announcer: How long will the stowaways be able to remain hidden? Will the old tensions be mended? Will we be able to get out of this season without the housemates killing each other? These questions and many more to be answered as the season continues!
Continued in Week 6, Part I
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