Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 14th, 2010 07:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
A/N before we start: I know it’s a tradition for the Real World to have at least one gay house member. However, none of the LOTR characters are gay and I am not going to make any of them gay just to uphold that tradition. Of course, the characters themselves don’t need to know that. ;)
Week 1: Meet the Housemates
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to interior of funkily decorated house. Enter first 2 housemates, Eowyn and Boromir.]
Eowyn (the tough girl from the streets): We’re the first ones here. (looking around) Wow, look at this place. It’s so cool.
Boromir (the somewhat arrogant, seen-it-all/done-it-all guy): This is nothing. You should see the main hall of Minas Tirith. I bet you this entire house could fit in there.
[Eowyn and Boromir walk through the house, looking at everything: fish tank, pool table, hot tub, the latest and fastest Palantir model on the market.]
Eowyn: Oh this is great. I’ll be able to p-mail my brother and uncle.
Boromir: Yeah, my dad’s got one of those. But you have to make sure they got the right software and everything. Let’s see - instant messaging, web cam. Not too shabby.
[Eowyn just nods.]
[Cut to Eowyn in confession room (c.r.)]: Traveling with Borry all the way from the Gap of Rohan was pretty cool, but after awhile it was just like ‘shut up already.’ Honestly, he’s cute and everything, I certainly see some potential there, but I’ll be glad when there’s someone else to talk to. … Actually, we were supposed to hook up with someone else, Saru-something-or-other, but he never showed up. I hope he’s all right.
[Cut back to Eowyn and Boromir in living room, standing around kind of awkwardly.]
Eowyn: I wonder when everyone else is going to get here.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: She obviously wanted to shag me. I could see having a fling with her.
[Cut back to living room.]
Boromir: They shouldn’t be too much longer.
Eowyn: I wonder what they’ll be like.
Boromir: (shrugging) We’ll find out soon enough.
[Just then, the doorbell rings and 2 more housemates enter.]
Legolas (the athletic pretty-boy): Wow, will you look at this place. They really went all out.
Eowyn and Boromir: Hi.
Legolas: Hey.
Gollum (the drug-binger partier who sleeps all day): Precioussssss. (Goes into corner with least amount of sunlight and holds his head.)
Eowyn: Is he all right?
Boromir: Yeah, he looks kinda gangly, or ill, or something.
Legolas: Oh, he’ll be fine. He just got a little jittery coming through Mirkwood and drank too much miruvor. He’s actually a pretty cool guy. A hell of a fisherman.
Eowyn: You came through Mirkwood? (obviously impressed) Isn’t that dangerous?
Legolas: Oh, well I live in Mirkwood. My dad’s the ruler there.
Eowyn: Really? My uncle’s the ruler of Rohan.
Boromir: My dad rules Gondor.
Legolas: I thought Gondor didn’t have a king.
[Eowyn muffles a laugh.]
Boromir: (looking somewhat miffed, changing subject) And what about him? (pointing to Gollum)
Legolas: Oh, well, that’s kind of a long story. But basically, I’m just kind of responsible for looking out for him. So, when we decide on the rooms, it would probably be best if the two of us stayed together. You gotta know how handle him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Legolas seems cool, an elf and all that. He needs some serious lessons in the Gondorian hierarchy though. (getting upset) Yeah, that’s right, we DON’T have a king, and you want to know why? Because we, unlike some others, don’t NEED one. So there! (calms down, regroups) Now, as for that…thing he showed up with, I don’t know. He has an ill-favored look about him.
[Cut back to living room. Doorbell rings. Housemate number 5 enters.]
Saruman (the antagonistic narcissist): Well, isn’t this just an interesting place. (sees fish tank) Are those for eating?
Gollum: Fishesss. Fresssh fishesss. We wantsss some.
[Everyone turns to look at him, and then decides to ignore him. They turn back to Saruman. Introductions are made.]
Saruman: (to Eowyn and Boromir) I am so sorry I failed to meet you, but some urgent business matters came up that I had to attend to immediately. I sent a messenger to tell you I wouldn’t be coming. Did he find you?
Boromir: No, the only thing we saw was this Uruk-Hai I had to kill.
Eowyn: I could have killed it.
Boromir: Are you still on that? Fine, next Uruk we come across, you get to kill him.
Eowyn: A freebie? Gee thanks.
Saruman: (looking slightly uncomfortable and a little sad) Yes, well, it’s so hard to find good help these days.
Boromir: Tell me about it. My dad’s practically going crazy with the buffoons he’s got working for him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Saruman. How the hell did that guy get past the age requirement? He’s got to be, like, 3000 years old or something. He must have bribed someone. I’m writing an angry letter to the producers.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I’ve heard of Saruman throughout the years. Genius of a wizard. And a hell of chess player. I wonder if I could get him to teach me some strategies. I knew I should have brought my board.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Yo, buddy, they’re called tweezers. Trim down them eyebrows before you hurt someone.
[Cut to Gollum in c.r.]: Preciousss?
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: ‘Go, blend in, act normal.’ Stupid flaming eyeball. Waste of my bloody time. Ignorant housemate simpletons. (continues grumbling incoherently)
[Cut back to living room. Doorbell rings twice. Housemates 6 & 7 arrive simultaneously.]
Eowyn (in voice over): Oh my Lord. That poor little boy has hairy feet!
[Zoom in shot of someone with big, hairy feet. Slow zoom out to reveal housemate number 6]
Frodo (the innocent country boy who’s never left home before): Hi everyone. I’m Frodo. Frodo Underhill (overemphasizing ‘Underhill’).
Everyone: (trying not to laugh) Hi Frodo.
Arwen (the spoiled daddy’s girl): We’re the last ones to arrive? (a little pouty) I knew I was going to be late if I stopped to get my hair done. (fingers hair)
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Arwen’s a babe! Smokin’! I’m gonna have to get me some of that action! … But, um, what’s with the hairy-footed shrimp guy? Did you see his eyes? Should eyes be that blue? There’s something off about him.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Arwen. I’ve heard all about her too, and the rumors of her beauty are true. And as for Frodo, he’s such a cute little guy, but someone really needs to teach him the importance of proper foot hair care. I mean, he had grime and dirt all over his feet – very unsanitary.
[Cut back to living room. Housemates start making their way through the house, stalled in kitchen by Frodo as he grabs several items to eat and munches them down before they reach the stairs.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: One thing I can say for the Little One – he sure can eat. You gotta respect that appetite.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: It just isn’t fair. How can something that little eat that much and not gain any weight?
[Cut back to house tour. Eventually everyone winds up in hall outside bedrooms.]
Frodo: Wow, everything’s so huge here.
Boromir: Well, it would be for you, wouldn’t it, little guy. (nudges Frodo on shoulder)
Saruman: Well, I suppose we should decide who gets which sleeping quarters.
[Eowyn and Arwen immediately claim the biggest and nicest room. Legolas decides to take the middle room.]
Legolas: It looks like it would have the most shade.
Gollum: Nasty sun. We hatesss it, we do.
Legolas: I don’t hate the sun. I’m just used to the shade.
Frodo: I think he was talking to himself.
Boromir: Fascinating. So, Saruman, you and me in the corner room?
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: If Boromir didn’t want to room with me, he could have just said so. But he tries to act all nice and stuff. I don’t think he likes me.
[Cut back to hallway]
Saruman: With all due respect, being as I am a businessman and in need of a certain amount of privacy, I think I’ll take the corner room for myself.
Arwen: But that would mean Borry and Frodo would have to share the single room and I don’t think that’s very fair to them.
Boromir: Hell, no it isn’t. No way I’m sharing a bed with another man.
Frodo: Hobbit.
Boromir: What?
Frodo: I’m a hobbit.
Boromir: Whatever.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Yeah, he definitely doesn’t like me.
[Cut back to hallway]
Saruman: The single room is more than big enough for the both of them. I imagine the halfling would not take up too much space. And as for the bed, it will be simple enough to move one of the extra ones from my room to theirs.
Eowyn: It would also be just as easy for you to take the single room.
Saruman: Yes, but I need a view in order to work. It inspires me. And the corner has the best view.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: I can see my associate in Rohan was correct about the king’s niece. Far too outspoken for a woman. She may become a problem.
[Cut back to hallway]
Legolas: So then it’s all arranged.
Boromir: But, look at that bed. It’s far too huge to move.
Legolas: I’ll help you.
Frodo: Actually, I’ll be fine with just the mattress. We hobbits like to stay close to the ground, and that frame is much too high.
Boromir: (ignoring him completely) I suppose the two of us could move it just fine. But let’s unpack first.
*********
[That night, the roommates go out to a local bar and loosen up over some ale. Gollum gets drunk and starts teaching everyone how to do the Electric Slide. Boromir and Legolas manage to get several elf maidens p-mail addresses.
Legolas: I’m at 20.
Boromir: 26! The chicks dig the foreign guy.
Eowyn and Arwen get stuck in a conversation with Saruman about how to make rings of power. Arwen’s bored and stares at her nails. Eowyn at least seems partially interest, though she keeps sneaking looks at Boromir. Frodo tries to be social and mingle, but keeps getting stepped on. Everyone goes home somewhat drunk and happy.]
*********
[Couple of mornings later, Frodo cooks breakfast for everyone.]
Arwen: Mmm, this is really delicious. I didn’t think foreigners could make such good food. How many calories does it have?
Frodo: Calories? Um, I’m not sure I know what those are. What do they look like? There was this strange green thing I chopped up and put in here. (goes through fridge and pulls something out) Is this a calorie?
Boromir: No, that’s a bell pepper.
Arwen: Oh, this is not good.
Frodo: You don’t like bell peppers? You prefer calories?
Boromir: Are you for real?
Frodo: (completely confused) What do you mean?
Eowyn: Ignore them, Frodo. The food is wonderful.
Legolas: Yummy.
Boromir: The best I’ve ever had.
Saruman: Delightfully scrumptious.
Frodo: (still somewhat confused) Thanks, but it’s nothing really. All hobbits can cook. It’s as natural as eating.
Eowyn: It would have to be the way you eat. (everyone laughs but Frodo, who looks even more confused.)
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: What’s with all the jokes about eating? Is this a Big People thing? And what in Middle Earth is a calorie?
*********
[That night a surprise visitor arrives: Arwen’s boyfriend Aragorn. Eowyn greets him at the door and lets him in.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Oh my Lord, he is gorgeous! Though I’m kind of surprised Arwen would be into the rugged ‘Ranger’ look. Legolas seems more her type. I wonder how serious he is with Arwen. Maybe I could break them up.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Damn, I should have known a hot chick like Arwen would have a boyfriend. But he looks kinda wimpy. Not at all butch. Arwen deserves a real man, a man who knows how to bathe, a man like me. Maybe I could break them up.
[Cut back to Arwen and Aragorn. They go outside for a stroll. They start talking in Elvish. Subtitles appear at bottom of screen.]
Arwen: So far, so good, though I think little Frodo’s getting home sick. He keeps fingering something in his pocket – some sort of memento from his homeland he said, though he refused to show it to anyone – must be a hobbit thing. And Saruman tends to hog the Palantir so no one else can get their messages. Gollum sleeps all day long. But other than that, everyone’s real nice. Oh, and I think I saw Boromir peeking at me while I was in the bath this morning.
Aragorn: WHAT?!
Arwen: I could be wrong.
Aragorn: (getting macho and defensive) I will defend your honor. (draws sword) Elendil!
Arwen: Honestly, ever since we had that reforged, you’ve been impossible. Put that away. I can take care of it myself.
Aragorn: I can make it seem like an accident.
[Arwen gives him The Look.]
Aragorn: Ok, ok. (resheaths sword)
[Arwen and Aragorn come back to the house. Everyone gathers in living room to meet Aragorn. Eowyn is now dressed in low-cut dress and has hair made up. Legolas and Aragorn great each other like old friends.]
Legolas: Dúnedain!
Boromir: No, that’s Aragorn.
Aragorn: (giving Boromir a cold look) Yes, but Dúnedain I am also.
Boromir: You have two names? How… swanky.
Aragorn: Actually, I have 10 different names. Do you have a problem that? (getting in his face)
Boromir: Um, no.
Aragorn: Good.
Boromir: Great.
Aragorn: Fine.
Boromir: Perfect.
Aragorn: Wonderful.
Boromir: Fantastic.
Aragorn: Neat.
Boromir: Splendid.
Aragorn: Nifty.
Boromir: Astounding.
Aragorn: Amazing.
Boromir: Tremendous.
Aragorn: (unable to think of another word) Brainless.
Boromir: What?
Arwen: (stepping between the two) Ok, let’s sit down now.
[Housemates and Aragorn sit down and chat about various things. Throughout the night, Eowyn manages to slowly make her way from one end of the room over to where Aragorn is and practically sits in his lap.]
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Eowyn’s fooling herself if she thinks Aragorn will ever be interested in her. She has a better chance with a Boromir.
[Aragorn stays a couple more hours then leaves, but not before “accidentally” knocking Boromir to the ground.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Aragorn was nice, but I was glad when he left. Everything just got so tense when he was here. It was kind of scary. I hope Big People don’t always act like that when there’s company over.
**********
[Couple more days pass. Montage of housemates going out in the town, to the shops, restaurants and clubs. Everyone’s still being super-duper nice, but things are starting to bug them. Legolas is always hogging the bathroom mirror; Saruman is always hogging the Palantir; Gollum is up all night, pacing the floors and muttering nonsense. Boromir gets mad at Frodo because Frodo decides he wants his mattress on the floor.
Boromir: You could have told me that before I lugged that bedframe in here.
Frodo: I did tell you that.
Boromir: Whatever.
Arwen and Eowyn get in a fight over who used all the hair softener. Then they both realize it was Legolas and go to hunt him down.]
**********
[Day 7: Another surprise visitor – Frodo’s best friend Sam Gamgee. Legolas and Boromir are playing pool, with Gollum keeping score. Gollum goes to let Sam in.]
Gollum: (calling down hall to kitchen) Frodo has guessstes, precious.
Frodo: (coming into room and seeing Sam) Sam! It’s wonderful to see you! (They hug.)
Sam: I’ve left you several p-mails and you never answered them, so I got worried.
Frodo: Saruman’s been hogging the Palantir ever since we got here. (he shrugs) Not like I can reach it anyway.
Sam: You don’t mind me just stopping in?
Frodo: Of course not. Come on. I just got elevenses on the table.
[They go into kitchen]
Boromir: So, Frodo’s the gay one, huh?
Legolas: (lining up his shot) What makes you say that?
Boromir: Didn’t you see them? They hugged. I mean… who hugs?
Legolas: Well, hobbits do obviously. (takes his shot)
Boromir: Whatever.
Legolas: Yes! Eight ball!
Gollum: Legolas wins gameses.
Boromir: He cheated.
Gollum: No.
Boromir: Yes.
Gollum: No.
Legolas: I didn’t cheat. You’re just a sore loser.
Boromir: All right then. Best two out of three.
[They start to rack the balls for the next game when Gollum suddenly reaches over and grabs the gold colored one.]
Gollum: Precious! We have found you, we have!
Boromir: Not again.
Legolas: Gollum, give it back. We can’t play without it.
[Boromir reaches over for the ball, but Gollum hops down from his seat and runs out of the room. Boromir and Legolas chase after him.]
[Cut to kitchen. Frodo and Sam are eating enough food to feed 10 people.]
Frodo: I don’t think I’m going to like it here, Sam. The girls are nice enough, but Saruman is kind of creepy. He’s always talking to this ‘colleague’ of his, and I swear no matter where you stand in the room, his Eye is always on you. Gollum’s always talking to himself. Boromir hates me. And Legolas is always following me around trying to get me to shampoo my feet.
Sam: Weird.
Frodo: Yeah.
[Just then, Gollum runs through the kitchen, with Boromir and Legolas in hot pursuit.]
Gollum: Precious! (jams ball into finger) Why do you not hides us, precious?
Legolas: Get back here!
Boromir: This guy is a freak!
[They run out the side door to the gardens outside.]
Sam: Weirder.
Frodo: You see what I mean? I wish there was some way you could stay.
Sam: Well, if you like, and if Mr. Bilbo doesn’t mind, perhaps I can stay with him while you’re here. Have you been to see him yet?
Frodo: Haven’t had the chance. And besides, (lowering his voice to barely audible whisper) Gandalf said to be as discreet as possible, and I shouldn’t be seen with him.
Sam: Hm, well, I could find him on my own I suppose.
Frodo: Just ask around for ‘The Last Homely House.’ He should be there.
Sam: (nods) All right, Mr. Frodo. But what about your garden?
Frodo: Screw the garden. (notices Sam’s hurt expression) No, I didn’t mean it that way. I love the garden, you know that. It’s just, I’d much rather have you here than there.
Sam: (cheering up) All right then.
[They finish eating and Sam leaves to find Mr. Bilbo, whoever that is.]
GF 2/17/2003
Continued in Week 2
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
A/N before we start: I know it’s a tradition for the Real World to have at least one gay house member. However, none of the LOTR characters are gay and I am not going to make any of them gay just to uphold that tradition. Of course, the characters themselves don’t need to know that. ;)
Week 1: Meet the Housemates
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to interior of funkily decorated house. Enter first 2 housemates, Eowyn and Boromir.]
Eowyn (the tough girl from the streets): We’re the first ones here. (looking around) Wow, look at this place. It’s so cool.
Boromir (the somewhat arrogant, seen-it-all/done-it-all guy): This is nothing. You should see the main hall of Minas Tirith. I bet you this entire house could fit in there.
[Eowyn and Boromir walk through the house, looking at everything: fish tank, pool table, hot tub, the latest and fastest Palantir model on the market.]
Eowyn: Oh this is great. I’ll be able to p-mail my brother and uncle.
Boromir: Yeah, my dad’s got one of those. But you have to make sure they got the right software and everything. Let’s see - instant messaging, web cam. Not too shabby.
[Eowyn just nods.]
[Cut to Eowyn in confession room (c.r.)]: Traveling with Borry all the way from the Gap of Rohan was pretty cool, but after awhile it was just like ‘shut up already.’ Honestly, he’s cute and everything, I certainly see some potential there, but I’ll be glad when there’s someone else to talk to. … Actually, we were supposed to hook up with someone else, Saru-something-or-other, but he never showed up. I hope he’s all right.
[Cut back to Eowyn and Boromir in living room, standing around kind of awkwardly.]
Eowyn: I wonder when everyone else is going to get here.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: She obviously wanted to shag me. I could see having a fling with her.
[Cut back to living room.]
Boromir: They shouldn’t be too much longer.
Eowyn: I wonder what they’ll be like.
Boromir: (shrugging) We’ll find out soon enough.
[Just then, the doorbell rings and 2 more housemates enter.]
Legolas (the athletic pretty-boy): Wow, will you look at this place. They really went all out.
Eowyn and Boromir: Hi.
Legolas: Hey.
Gollum (the drug-binger partier who sleeps all day): Precioussssss. (Goes into corner with least amount of sunlight and holds his head.)
Eowyn: Is he all right?
Boromir: Yeah, he looks kinda gangly, or ill, or something.
Legolas: Oh, he’ll be fine. He just got a little jittery coming through Mirkwood and drank too much miruvor. He’s actually a pretty cool guy. A hell of a fisherman.
Eowyn: You came through Mirkwood? (obviously impressed) Isn’t that dangerous?
Legolas: Oh, well I live in Mirkwood. My dad’s the ruler there.
Eowyn: Really? My uncle’s the ruler of Rohan.
Boromir: My dad rules Gondor.
Legolas: I thought Gondor didn’t have a king.
[Eowyn muffles a laugh.]
Boromir: (looking somewhat miffed, changing subject) And what about him? (pointing to Gollum)
Legolas: Oh, well, that’s kind of a long story. But basically, I’m just kind of responsible for looking out for him. So, when we decide on the rooms, it would probably be best if the two of us stayed together. You gotta know how handle him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Legolas seems cool, an elf and all that. He needs some serious lessons in the Gondorian hierarchy though. (getting upset) Yeah, that’s right, we DON’T have a king, and you want to know why? Because we, unlike some others, don’t NEED one. So there! (calms down, regroups) Now, as for that…thing he showed up with, I don’t know. He has an ill-favored look about him.
[Cut back to living room. Doorbell rings. Housemate number 5 enters.]
Saruman (the antagonistic narcissist): Well, isn’t this just an interesting place. (sees fish tank) Are those for eating?
Gollum: Fishesss. Fresssh fishesss. We wantsss some.
[Everyone turns to look at him, and then decides to ignore him. They turn back to Saruman. Introductions are made.]
Saruman: (to Eowyn and Boromir) I am so sorry I failed to meet you, but some urgent business matters came up that I had to attend to immediately. I sent a messenger to tell you I wouldn’t be coming. Did he find you?
Boromir: No, the only thing we saw was this Uruk-Hai I had to kill.
Eowyn: I could have killed it.
Boromir: Are you still on that? Fine, next Uruk we come across, you get to kill him.
Eowyn: A freebie? Gee thanks.
Saruman: (looking slightly uncomfortable and a little sad) Yes, well, it’s so hard to find good help these days.
Boromir: Tell me about it. My dad’s practically going crazy with the buffoons he’s got working for him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Saruman. How the hell did that guy get past the age requirement? He’s got to be, like, 3000 years old or something. He must have bribed someone. I’m writing an angry letter to the producers.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I’ve heard of Saruman throughout the years. Genius of a wizard. And a hell of chess player. I wonder if I could get him to teach me some strategies. I knew I should have brought my board.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Yo, buddy, they’re called tweezers. Trim down them eyebrows before you hurt someone.
[Cut to Gollum in c.r.]: Preciousss?
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: ‘Go, blend in, act normal.’ Stupid flaming eyeball. Waste of my bloody time. Ignorant housemate simpletons. (continues grumbling incoherently)
[Cut back to living room. Doorbell rings twice. Housemates 6 & 7 arrive simultaneously.]
Eowyn (in voice over): Oh my Lord. That poor little boy has hairy feet!
[Zoom in shot of someone with big, hairy feet. Slow zoom out to reveal housemate number 6]
Frodo (the innocent country boy who’s never left home before): Hi everyone. I’m Frodo. Frodo Underhill (overemphasizing ‘Underhill’).
Everyone: (trying not to laugh) Hi Frodo.
Arwen (the spoiled daddy’s girl): We’re the last ones to arrive? (a little pouty) I knew I was going to be late if I stopped to get my hair done. (fingers hair)
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Arwen’s a babe! Smokin’! I’m gonna have to get me some of that action! … But, um, what’s with the hairy-footed shrimp guy? Did you see his eyes? Should eyes be that blue? There’s something off about him.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Arwen. I’ve heard all about her too, and the rumors of her beauty are true. And as for Frodo, he’s such a cute little guy, but someone really needs to teach him the importance of proper foot hair care. I mean, he had grime and dirt all over his feet – very unsanitary.
[Cut back to living room. Housemates start making their way through the house, stalled in kitchen by Frodo as he grabs several items to eat and munches them down before they reach the stairs.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: One thing I can say for the Little One – he sure can eat. You gotta respect that appetite.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: It just isn’t fair. How can something that little eat that much and not gain any weight?
[Cut back to house tour. Eventually everyone winds up in hall outside bedrooms.]
Frodo: Wow, everything’s so huge here.
Boromir: Well, it would be for you, wouldn’t it, little guy. (nudges Frodo on shoulder)
Saruman: Well, I suppose we should decide who gets which sleeping quarters.
[Eowyn and Arwen immediately claim the biggest and nicest room. Legolas decides to take the middle room.]
Legolas: It looks like it would have the most shade.
Gollum: Nasty sun. We hatesss it, we do.
Legolas: I don’t hate the sun. I’m just used to the shade.
Frodo: I think he was talking to himself.
Boromir: Fascinating. So, Saruman, you and me in the corner room?
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: If Boromir didn’t want to room with me, he could have just said so. But he tries to act all nice and stuff. I don’t think he likes me.
[Cut back to hallway]
Saruman: With all due respect, being as I am a businessman and in need of a certain amount of privacy, I think I’ll take the corner room for myself.
Arwen: But that would mean Borry and Frodo would have to share the single room and I don’t think that’s very fair to them.
Boromir: Hell, no it isn’t. No way I’m sharing a bed with another man.
Frodo: Hobbit.
Boromir: What?
Frodo: I’m a hobbit.
Boromir: Whatever.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Yeah, he definitely doesn’t like me.
[Cut back to hallway]
Saruman: The single room is more than big enough for the both of them. I imagine the halfling would not take up too much space. And as for the bed, it will be simple enough to move one of the extra ones from my room to theirs.
Eowyn: It would also be just as easy for you to take the single room.
Saruman: Yes, but I need a view in order to work. It inspires me. And the corner has the best view.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: I can see my associate in Rohan was correct about the king’s niece. Far too outspoken for a woman. She may become a problem.
[Cut back to hallway]
Legolas: So then it’s all arranged.
Boromir: But, look at that bed. It’s far too huge to move.
Legolas: I’ll help you.
Frodo: Actually, I’ll be fine with just the mattress. We hobbits like to stay close to the ground, and that frame is much too high.
Boromir: (ignoring him completely) I suppose the two of us could move it just fine. But let’s unpack first.
*********
[That night, the roommates go out to a local bar and loosen up over some ale. Gollum gets drunk and starts teaching everyone how to do the Electric Slide. Boromir and Legolas manage to get several elf maidens p-mail addresses.
Legolas: I’m at 20.
Boromir: 26! The chicks dig the foreign guy.
Eowyn and Arwen get stuck in a conversation with Saruman about how to make rings of power. Arwen’s bored and stares at her nails. Eowyn at least seems partially interest, though she keeps sneaking looks at Boromir. Frodo tries to be social and mingle, but keeps getting stepped on. Everyone goes home somewhat drunk and happy.]
*********
[Couple of mornings later, Frodo cooks breakfast for everyone.]
Arwen: Mmm, this is really delicious. I didn’t think foreigners could make such good food. How many calories does it have?
Frodo: Calories? Um, I’m not sure I know what those are. What do they look like? There was this strange green thing I chopped up and put in here. (goes through fridge and pulls something out) Is this a calorie?
Boromir: No, that’s a bell pepper.
Arwen: Oh, this is not good.
Frodo: You don’t like bell peppers? You prefer calories?
Boromir: Are you for real?
Frodo: (completely confused) What do you mean?
Eowyn: Ignore them, Frodo. The food is wonderful.
Legolas: Yummy.
Boromir: The best I’ve ever had.
Saruman: Delightfully scrumptious.
Frodo: (still somewhat confused) Thanks, but it’s nothing really. All hobbits can cook. It’s as natural as eating.
Eowyn: It would have to be the way you eat. (everyone laughs but Frodo, who looks even more confused.)
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: What’s with all the jokes about eating? Is this a Big People thing? And what in Middle Earth is a calorie?
*********
[That night a surprise visitor arrives: Arwen’s boyfriend Aragorn. Eowyn greets him at the door and lets him in.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Oh my Lord, he is gorgeous! Though I’m kind of surprised Arwen would be into the rugged ‘Ranger’ look. Legolas seems more her type. I wonder how serious he is with Arwen. Maybe I could break them up.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Damn, I should have known a hot chick like Arwen would have a boyfriend. But he looks kinda wimpy. Not at all butch. Arwen deserves a real man, a man who knows how to bathe, a man like me. Maybe I could break them up.
[Cut back to Arwen and Aragorn. They go outside for a stroll. They start talking in Elvish. Subtitles appear at bottom of screen.]
Arwen: So far, so good, though I think little Frodo’s getting home sick. He keeps fingering something in his pocket – some sort of memento from his homeland he said, though he refused to show it to anyone – must be a hobbit thing. And Saruman tends to hog the Palantir so no one else can get their messages. Gollum sleeps all day long. But other than that, everyone’s real nice. Oh, and I think I saw Boromir peeking at me while I was in the bath this morning.
Aragorn: WHAT?!
Arwen: I could be wrong.
Aragorn: (getting macho and defensive) I will defend your honor. (draws sword) Elendil!
Arwen: Honestly, ever since we had that reforged, you’ve been impossible. Put that away. I can take care of it myself.
Aragorn: I can make it seem like an accident.
[Arwen gives him The Look.]
Aragorn: Ok, ok. (resheaths sword)
[Arwen and Aragorn come back to the house. Everyone gathers in living room to meet Aragorn. Eowyn is now dressed in low-cut dress and has hair made up. Legolas and Aragorn great each other like old friends.]
Legolas: Dúnedain!
Boromir: No, that’s Aragorn.
Aragorn: (giving Boromir a cold look) Yes, but Dúnedain I am also.
Boromir: You have two names? How… swanky.
Aragorn: Actually, I have 10 different names. Do you have a problem that? (getting in his face)
Boromir: Um, no.
Aragorn: Good.
Boromir: Great.
Aragorn: Fine.
Boromir: Perfect.
Aragorn: Wonderful.
Boromir: Fantastic.
Aragorn: Neat.
Boromir: Splendid.
Aragorn: Nifty.
Boromir: Astounding.
Aragorn: Amazing.
Boromir: Tremendous.
Aragorn: (unable to think of another word) Brainless.
Boromir: What?
Arwen: (stepping between the two) Ok, let’s sit down now.
[Housemates and Aragorn sit down and chat about various things. Throughout the night, Eowyn manages to slowly make her way from one end of the room over to where Aragorn is and practically sits in his lap.]
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Eowyn’s fooling herself if she thinks Aragorn will ever be interested in her. She has a better chance with a Boromir.
[Aragorn stays a couple more hours then leaves, but not before “accidentally” knocking Boromir to the ground.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Aragorn was nice, but I was glad when he left. Everything just got so tense when he was here. It was kind of scary. I hope Big People don’t always act like that when there’s company over.
**********
[Couple more days pass. Montage of housemates going out in the town, to the shops, restaurants and clubs. Everyone’s still being super-duper nice, but things are starting to bug them. Legolas is always hogging the bathroom mirror; Saruman is always hogging the Palantir; Gollum is up all night, pacing the floors and muttering nonsense. Boromir gets mad at Frodo because Frodo decides he wants his mattress on the floor.
Boromir: You could have told me that before I lugged that bedframe in here.
Frodo: I did tell you that.
Boromir: Whatever.
Arwen and Eowyn get in a fight over who used all the hair softener. Then they both realize it was Legolas and go to hunt him down.]
**********
[Day 7: Another surprise visitor – Frodo’s best friend Sam Gamgee. Legolas and Boromir are playing pool, with Gollum keeping score. Gollum goes to let Sam in.]
Gollum: (calling down hall to kitchen) Frodo has guessstes, precious.
Frodo: (coming into room and seeing Sam) Sam! It’s wonderful to see you! (They hug.)
Sam: I’ve left you several p-mails and you never answered them, so I got worried.
Frodo: Saruman’s been hogging the Palantir ever since we got here. (he shrugs) Not like I can reach it anyway.
Sam: You don’t mind me just stopping in?
Frodo: Of course not. Come on. I just got elevenses on the table.
[They go into kitchen]
Boromir: So, Frodo’s the gay one, huh?
Legolas: (lining up his shot) What makes you say that?
Boromir: Didn’t you see them? They hugged. I mean… who hugs?
Legolas: Well, hobbits do obviously. (takes his shot)
Boromir: Whatever.
Legolas: Yes! Eight ball!
Gollum: Legolas wins gameses.
Boromir: He cheated.
Gollum: No.
Boromir: Yes.
Gollum: No.
Legolas: I didn’t cheat. You’re just a sore loser.
Boromir: All right then. Best two out of three.
[They start to rack the balls for the next game when Gollum suddenly reaches over and grabs the gold colored one.]
Gollum: Precious! We have found you, we have!
Boromir: Not again.
Legolas: Gollum, give it back. We can’t play without it.
[Boromir reaches over for the ball, but Gollum hops down from his seat and runs out of the room. Boromir and Legolas chase after him.]
[Cut to kitchen. Frodo and Sam are eating enough food to feed 10 people.]
Frodo: I don’t think I’m going to like it here, Sam. The girls are nice enough, but Saruman is kind of creepy. He’s always talking to this ‘colleague’ of his, and I swear no matter where you stand in the room, his Eye is always on you. Gollum’s always talking to himself. Boromir hates me. And Legolas is always following me around trying to get me to shampoo my feet.
Sam: Weird.
Frodo: Yeah.
[Just then, Gollum runs through the kitchen, with Boromir and Legolas in hot pursuit.]
Gollum: Precious! (jams ball into finger) Why do you not hides us, precious?
Legolas: Get back here!
Boromir: This guy is a freak!
[They run out the side door to the gardens outside.]
Sam: Weirder.
Frodo: You see what I mean? I wish there was some way you could stay.
Sam: Well, if you like, and if Mr. Bilbo doesn’t mind, perhaps I can stay with him while you’re here. Have you been to see him yet?
Frodo: Haven’t had the chance. And besides, (lowering his voice to barely audible whisper) Gandalf said to be as discreet as possible, and I shouldn’t be seen with him.
Sam: Hm, well, I could find him on my own I suppose.
Frodo: Just ask around for ‘The Last Homely House.’ He should be there.
Sam: (nods) All right, Mr. Frodo. But what about your garden?
Frodo: Screw the garden. (notices Sam’s hurt expression) No, I didn’t mean it that way. I love the garden, you know that. It’s just, I’d much rather have you here than there.
Sam: (cheering up) All right then.
[They finish eating and Sam leaves to find Mr. Bilbo, whoever that is.]
GF 2/17/2003
Continued in Week 2
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