Dude of the Rings
May. 15th, 2010 09:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Dude of the Rings
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 5
Chapter 18: The Spoiling of Isengard
(Anyhoo, back at Isengard... Saruman’s doing some weird, freaky hand meditation thingy over this blitzed out crystal ball.)
Eye of Sauron: Dude, where’s my ring?
Saruman: I’m workin’ on it. Don’t fret.
Eye of Sauron: Fine, whatever, I’ve only waited through 2 frickin’ ages. No biggy. ... GET ME MY RING NOW! I don’t care who you gotta kill.
Saruman: Dude, you want carnage? I can knock over some trees for ya. It’ll totally piss off the Ents.
Eye of Sauron: Well, if that’s the best you can do.
(Later on, Saruman is outside watching the orcs fell all the trees.)
Saruman: Can’t believe he fell for that. I’ve been wanting to get rid of these trees for like forever already, man. I get so sick of raking up all those frickin’ leaves every fall.
(Cut to shot of Gandalf on top of Orthanc. It’s raining hard and he huddles up to keep warm.)
Gandalf: Aw dude, I knew I should of brought my thermals.
Chapter 19: A Knife in the Dark
(Strider and the hobbits come up to a hill with a bunch of really old rocks piled up on top of it.)
Strider: This was once the great party hall of Amon Sul. We’ll crash here tonight.
(Cut to hobbits sitting down and taking off their packs. Strider hands them all swords.)
Pippin: What do we do with these?
Merry: Dude, you like take the pointy end, and you point it.
Pippin: Oh.
Sam: Are these for fightin’? Cuz like, I’m a lover, not a fighter.
Strider: Maybe you little dudes should just leave ‘em alone till I get back. I’m gonna go scope out the joint.
(Cut to later that night. Strider is STILL gone. Frodo wakes up and notices the big honkin’ bon fire the other hobbits have built to cook with.)
Frodo: Dudes, like, whatcha doing? Signaling ships at sea?! Put it out, numb-nuts!
(He stamps out the fire WITH HIS FEET. Just then, down below, they see five black shadows coming toward them.)
Nazgul: (in high-pitched screech) Duuuudddeeee!!
Frodo: Aw crap! Come on!
(They grab their swords and run up to the summit. The Nazgul are right on their butts. They come up and surround them. They draw their swords.)
Frodo: Daddy!
Witch King: We got you now, little dude!
Sam: Back off, dude, or I’ll waste ya!
(Sam lunges at the Witch King. The Witch King brushes him aside. Merry and Pippin try to stand in front of Frodo, but they get brushed aside also. Conveniently, the Nazgul decide not to kill ANY of them. Frodo puts on the Ring, but the Nazgul can, like, see him better than ever. They do high-fives cuz they finally tricked him into falling for the Ring's call. The Witch King comes at him.)
Frodo: Mommy!
(Witch King stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: OUCH DUDE!! SO RUDE!! Who goes around stabbing people, I mean, really?
(Strider FINALLY shows up and totally whoops on the Nazgul. He obviously left the hobbits just to have this big heroic moment. The Nazgul, only being the five of them and so are obviously outnumbered, run away like sissy girls. Frodo takes off the Ring.)
Frodo: Ow!
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Aw, man! Strider, dude, get over here man!
Strider: (running over) He’s been stabbed.
Sam: Well, duh.
Strider: Like, I sooo don’t know how to fix this, man. He’s needs Elvish medicine.
Pippin: Elvis? The King can help him?
Strider: Elvishhhh.
Pippin: Oh.
Chapter 20: Caverns of Isengard
(Big impressive CGI shot of Isengard, now treeless. A moth flies up to Gandalf, who’s still sitting on top of Orthanc. Man, doesn’t that dude do anything?)
Moth: Psst! Old Wiz Dude!
Gandalf: Hey, dude! ‘Bout time you get here. Geez. Now, bring me a double-quarter pounder with cheese and all the trimmings, super size the fries and drink, Diet Coke, and the 2 apple pies from the dollar menu, kay? Oh, yeah, and get me the frick outta here, man!!!
Moth: That’ll be $6.79.
Gandalf: Put it on my tab.
(Moth flies away. Cut to sweep down shot from top of Orthanc to the caverns of Isengard, where a bunch of narly looking orcs are making massive amounts of weapons. Uruk-Hai are being bred – how, I sooooo do not wish to know, dude. An Uruk bursts out of his cocoon and like, strangles an orc to death. Sweet!)
Chapter 21: Flight to the Ford
(Shot of a bunch of stone trolls)
Sam: Dude, they’re like, still here.
Frodo (grunts in pain)
Pippin: Oh dude. Oh dude. Oh dude.
Merry: Stop saying that!
(Strider goes to get some athelas plant. A sword gets drawn on him outta nowhere.)
Arwen: Dude, you’re, like, gettin’ really bad at this, bro.
(Back at stone trolls. Arwen comes riding up. Frodo checks her out and even in his delirium, manages to get a major woodie.)
Arwen: Frodo, im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan nan galad. Hey, little dude. I’m Arwen. You look like crap, bro.
(Frodo turns away in disappointment. Strider comes up and puts the athelas on his wound – which is barely even bleeding! What a faker.)
Strider: This will help get him to Rivendell, but we gotta get a move on, pronto.
(Picks up Frodo and places him on top of Arwen’s horse)
Strider: Dartho guin Beriain. Rych le ad tolthathon. You stay with the little dudes. I’ll go get help.
Arwen: Hon mabathon. Rochon ellint im. No way dude. I’m soooooooo much faster than you are.
Strider: Andelu i ven. You, like, always gotta rub that in my face don’t you, dude? That’s so not cool. Every time I try and get my mojo on, you gotta come and mess me all up. That’s totally crushing to a guy’s ego, you know?
Arwen: Frodo fîr. Ae athradon i hîr, tûr gwaith nîn beriatha hon. Just shut up and move it before you lose it, bud.
Strider: Be iest lîn. Whatever dude.
Arwen: (jumping onto horse) Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim! Move it horsey dude! Pronto!
(Next day. Arwen’s riding Asfaloth’s keister off. The Nazgul come riding up and give chase. Various shots of way scary chase scene. Finally, they reach the Ford of Bruinen, which turns out to be a river, NOT a car – what the frick? Arwen crosses and turns to face the Nazgul. She draws her sword.)
Witch King: Give us the halfling, she-dude.
Arwen: No way dude!
(Nazgul draws their swords and enter river.)
Arwen: Nîn o Chithaeglir lasto beth daer; Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! Tidal wave! You’re all washed up dudes! Cowabunga, man!
(River rises up and washes Nazgul away, but conveniently enough, does not wash away Arwen, even though she’s also standing in the middle of the frickin’ river.)
Arwen: I so rule!
Frodo (goes limp)
Arwen: Whoops. Forgot about the little dude. Giddy up, horsey.
Continued in Part 7
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 5
Chapter 18: The Spoiling of Isengard
(Anyhoo, back at Isengard... Saruman’s doing some weird, freaky hand meditation thingy over this blitzed out crystal ball.)
Eye of Sauron: Dude, where’s my ring?
Saruman: I’m workin’ on it. Don’t fret.
Eye of Sauron: Fine, whatever, I’ve only waited through 2 frickin’ ages. No biggy. ... GET ME MY RING NOW! I don’t care who you gotta kill.
Saruman: Dude, you want carnage? I can knock over some trees for ya. It’ll totally piss off the Ents.
Eye of Sauron: Well, if that’s the best you can do.
(Later on, Saruman is outside watching the orcs fell all the trees.)
Saruman: Can’t believe he fell for that. I’ve been wanting to get rid of these trees for like forever already, man. I get so sick of raking up all those frickin’ leaves every fall.
(Cut to shot of Gandalf on top of Orthanc. It’s raining hard and he huddles up to keep warm.)
Gandalf: Aw dude, I knew I should of brought my thermals.
Chapter 19: A Knife in the Dark
(Strider and the hobbits come up to a hill with a bunch of really old rocks piled up on top of it.)
Strider: This was once the great party hall of Amon Sul. We’ll crash here tonight.
(Cut to hobbits sitting down and taking off their packs. Strider hands them all swords.)
Pippin: What do we do with these?
Merry: Dude, you like take the pointy end, and you point it.
Pippin: Oh.
Sam: Are these for fightin’? Cuz like, I’m a lover, not a fighter.
Strider: Maybe you little dudes should just leave ‘em alone till I get back. I’m gonna go scope out the joint.
(Cut to later that night. Strider is STILL gone. Frodo wakes up and notices the big honkin’ bon fire the other hobbits have built to cook with.)
Frodo: Dudes, like, whatcha doing? Signaling ships at sea?! Put it out, numb-nuts!
(He stamps out the fire WITH HIS FEET. Just then, down below, they see five black shadows coming toward them.)
Nazgul: (in high-pitched screech) Duuuudddeeee!!
Frodo: Aw crap! Come on!
(They grab their swords and run up to the summit. The Nazgul are right on their butts. They come up and surround them. They draw their swords.)
Frodo: Daddy!
Witch King: We got you now, little dude!
Sam: Back off, dude, or I’ll waste ya!
(Sam lunges at the Witch King. The Witch King brushes him aside. Merry and Pippin try to stand in front of Frodo, but they get brushed aside also. Conveniently, the Nazgul decide not to kill ANY of them. Frodo puts on the Ring, but the Nazgul can, like, see him better than ever. They do high-fives cuz they finally tricked him into falling for the Ring's call. The Witch King comes at him.)
Frodo: Mommy!
(Witch King stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: OUCH DUDE!! SO RUDE!! Who goes around stabbing people, I mean, really?
(Strider FINALLY shows up and totally whoops on the Nazgul. He obviously left the hobbits just to have this big heroic moment. The Nazgul, only being the five of them and so are obviously outnumbered, run away like sissy girls. Frodo takes off the Ring.)
Frodo: Ow!
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Aw, man! Strider, dude, get over here man!
Strider: (running over) He’s been stabbed.
Sam: Well, duh.
Strider: Like, I sooo don’t know how to fix this, man. He’s needs Elvish medicine.
Pippin: Elvis? The King can help him?
Strider: Elvishhhh.
Pippin: Oh.
Chapter 20: Caverns of Isengard
(Big impressive CGI shot of Isengard, now treeless. A moth flies up to Gandalf, who’s still sitting on top of Orthanc. Man, doesn’t that dude do anything?)
Moth: Psst! Old Wiz Dude!
Gandalf: Hey, dude! ‘Bout time you get here. Geez. Now, bring me a double-quarter pounder with cheese and all the trimmings, super size the fries and drink, Diet Coke, and the 2 apple pies from the dollar menu, kay? Oh, yeah, and get me the frick outta here, man!!!
Moth: That’ll be $6.79.
Gandalf: Put it on my tab.
(Moth flies away. Cut to sweep down shot from top of Orthanc to the caverns of Isengard, where a bunch of narly looking orcs are making massive amounts of weapons. Uruk-Hai are being bred – how, I sooooo do not wish to know, dude. An Uruk bursts out of his cocoon and like, strangles an orc to death. Sweet!)
Chapter 21: Flight to the Ford
(Shot of a bunch of stone trolls)
Sam: Dude, they’re like, still here.
Frodo (grunts in pain)
Pippin: Oh dude. Oh dude. Oh dude.
Merry: Stop saying that!
(Strider goes to get some athelas plant. A sword gets drawn on him outta nowhere.)
Arwen: Dude, you’re, like, gettin’ really bad at this, bro.
(Back at stone trolls. Arwen comes riding up. Frodo checks her out and even in his delirium, manages to get a major woodie.)
Arwen: Frodo, im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan nan galad. Hey, little dude. I’m Arwen. You look like crap, bro.
(Frodo turns away in disappointment. Strider comes up and puts the athelas on his wound – which is barely even bleeding! What a faker.)
Strider: This will help get him to Rivendell, but we gotta get a move on, pronto.
(Picks up Frodo and places him on top of Arwen’s horse)
Strider: Dartho guin Beriain. Rych le ad tolthathon. You stay with the little dudes. I’ll go get help.
Arwen: Hon mabathon. Rochon ellint im. No way dude. I’m soooooooo much faster than you are.
Strider: Andelu i ven. You, like, always gotta rub that in my face don’t you, dude? That’s so not cool. Every time I try and get my mojo on, you gotta come and mess me all up. That’s totally crushing to a guy’s ego, you know?
Arwen: Frodo fîr. Ae athradon i hîr, tûr gwaith nîn beriatha hon. Just shut up and move it before you lose it, bud.
Strider: Be iest lîn. Whatever dude.
Arwen: (jumping onto horse) Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim! Move it horsey dude! Pronto!
(Next day. Arwen’s riding Asfaloth’s keister off. The Nazgul come riding up and give chase. Various shots of way scary chase scene. Finally, they reach the Ford of Bruinen, which turns out to be a river, NOT a car – what the frick? Arwen crosses and turns to face the Nazgul. She draws her sword.)
Witch King: Give us the halfling, she-dude.
Arwen: No way dude!
(Nazgul draws their swords and enter river.)
Arwen: Nîn o Chithaeglir lasto beth daer; Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! Tidal wave! You’re all washed up dudes! Cowabunga, man!
(River rises up and washes Nazgul away, but conveniently enough, does not wash away Arwen, even though she’s also standing in the middle of the frickin’ river.)
Arwen: I so rule!
Frodo (goes limp)
Arwen: Whoops. Forgot about the little dude. Giddy up, horsey.
Continued in Part 7
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