Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 9
Week 10: All Is Fair in Love and War
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Chosen to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Sunday morning. Everyone’s back at the studio and Merry, Pippin and Sam are hanging out in Bilbo’s room listening to the show alone. They take the opportunity to talk about new things to do to Glorfindel, but they aren’t having much luck.]
Merry: Come on Sam, there must be something else you can tell us, something useful.
Sam: Sorry Mr. Merry, but I’ve got nothing new, and it’s just as well. Your pranks are going too far. You’re going to get Mr. Frodo into trouble again.
Pippin: Sam, give us some credit – that’s why Legolas is taking the blame for everything. Glorfindel doesn’t even suspect us... Now, we could use the shampoo…
Merry and Sam: No!
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Merry is so cruel. How does he expect me to leave the shampoo alone for so long, when it’s right there, so close, taunting me?
[Cut back to Bilbo’s room]
Pippin: So then that’s it? We’re done? (looks depressed and on the verge of tears)
Merry: No, we’re not, not by a long shot. We’re just going to have to cool it for a bit. Anyways, Glorfindel’s catching on and he’s not letting Legolas out of his sight, which means he’s no good to us as an alibi. We need to give him time to relax a little, let down his guard.
Pippin: But what do we do in the meantime?
Merry: Well, we clearly need to gather new info, and then we can make our plans. Which means (to Sam) you’re going to go undercover again Sam. You’ve been out of the game too long, my friend. Frodo can survive without you for more than two minutes you know.
Sam: But…
Merry: No, you said you’d help.
Sam: Yeah, and I’ve been regretting it ever since.
Pippin: Shh! Commercial’s over.
***********
[Cut to studio. Eowyn, Boromir and Legolas are in the middle of their set. With the help of Eomer and Faramir, Eowyn finally found the perfect album to play – The Beastie Boys’ “Licensed to Ill”. Even Boromir and Legolas can’t find anything to complain about. Boromir even proves to have some knowledge of the Beastie Boys, which impresses Eomer so much, he’s actually being nice, or his version of nice.]
Eomer: (to Boromir) You know, you’re not as pathetic as I thought you were.
Boromir: Oh, but I’m still pathetic.
Eomer: A little yes. But I suppose it’s all right if you continue to date my sister, but I’ll be watching you. Hurt her and I’ll kill you.
Boromir: You want to kill me, huh? Get in line.
Glorfindel: (from producer’s box) Um, guys, commercial’s over.
Eomer and Boromir: It is?
[They look up and see “On Air” sign is lit up.]
Boromir: Whoops.
Eomer: Our bad.
Eowyn: Ok, then. Welcome back everyone and please forget what you just heard. We have a couple of listener requests we’re going to play before getting back to the album of the morning. Faramir, you’ve got those cued up, right?
Faramir: Yeah. Let’s see... Smee wanted some “Sabotage” and Gull wants something “Finger Lickin’ Good.”
Boromir: Smee? Gull? What kind of names are those? They got gypped.
Legolas: Yeah, that’s pretty messed up. Parents can be so cruel.
Eowyn: Just play the songs.
[The rest of their set goes smoothly. Then Frodo, Arwen and Gimli enter the studio with Bilbo, who soon has everyone riveted with tales of his adventures. Merry and Pippin’s soundtrack adds the perfect backdrop to the tale. They’ve thrown together snippets of all kinds of songs to highlight the story. To name a few: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana (also known as the “Here we are now, entertain us” song) for the dwarves coming to Bag End; “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles for the trolls’ last sunrise; “Fly Like an Eagle” by Steve Miller’s Band for the rescue by the eagles; “Spider Web” by No Doubt for the Mirkwood spiders; “Wipe Out” by The Safaris for the barrel ride down the river. They have wisely decided to skip over Bilbo getting lost in the Misty Mountains and the whole incident with Gollum and the Ring, but an anonymous listener notices the omission and repeatedly calls Glorfindel to cuss him out and hang up.]
**********
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I love my brother. I do. Really. But he needs to leave already. Or maybe I can get Arwen to spend more time with him. They seem to have hit it off pretty well.
[Next morning after breakfast. Cut to kitchen, where Eomer, Eowyn, Faramir and Boromir are cleaning the dishes. Eowyn and Boromir are discussing their next date.]
Eowyn: Why don’t we go back to that restaurant Faramir picked out for our last date?
Boromir: What makes you think Faramir picked it out?
Eowyn: ‘I’m just observant’ – please. That is the last thing you are, believe me.
Boromir: What is that supposed to mean?
Eowyn: It means you wouldn’t even notice a Mac truck barreling down the highway till it ran you over.
Boromir: Ok, now you’re just over-exaggerating. I would too notice a Mac truck.
Eowyn: Whatever. Are we going to the restaurant or not?
Faramir: So you liked it then? I figured you would prefer simple over fancy.
Eowyn: I loved it. Thank you.
Faramir: You’re welcome.
Eomer: I’ll have to go along to chaperone.
Boromir: I don’t think so.
Eowyn: And neither do I.
Eomer: Someone has to keep an eye on him.
Eowyn: I’ll keep an eye on him.
Eomer: Yeah, but what part of him?
Eowyn: Excuse me! What kind of a question is that supposed to be? (to Boromir, who’s laughing) This isn’t funny.
Boromir: Yes it is.
Eowyn: AARGHH! Driving… me… crazy! (leaves)
Faramir: I think you two need to back off her a bit.
Eomer: Don’t lecture me on how to handle my sister. Stay out of it.
Boromir: And don’t you boss my brother around.
Eomer: If I were you, I would be keeping a closer eye on my brother.
Boromir: What is that supposed to mean?
Eomer: That you’re obviously not that intelligent. But of course I already knew that. Nice pendant, by the way.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I’m so not going to miss him when he leaves.
[Cut to upstairs in hobbit’s room. Legolas is there talking with Merry and Pippin about their plans for Glorfindel. He doesn’t seem happy about the news.]
Legolas: You have nothing planned? Nothing at all? There has to be something. Anything. He’s driving me crazy. He won’t let me out of his sight, and he badgers me with questions whenever I try to leave the house. He even tried going into the bathroom with me this morning. If I’m going to be under constant Glory-surveillance, I should at least be getting something out of it.
Merry: Don’t worry. We’ve got Sam working on new leads even as we speak. We should have plenty of information by tonight. Unless there’s something you can tell us right now.
Legolas: No, nothing. Except that he has those meetings with Elrond every Thursday night, but you already know about those.
Pippin: No we don’t. What meetings?
Legolas: You know? The ones about the show. Plus some of the scouts are even starting to come back. I imagine they’ll talk about that too.
Pippin: Details, man. We need specifics. Where are these meetings held? What time? Does he go there alone? Does he go by the main road or some other way? How long do they last? Do they allow interruptions? Do they ever order in food? Or do they go out to eat? Is it just him and Elrond, or are there others, cause that could get tricky.
Merry: Breath, Pip, calm down. (to Legolas) Now, tell us everything you know. Just the facts.
[Cut to den. Glorfindel is working on producer stuff for the show and Sam is keeping him company. They’re chatting casually as Glorfindel surfs the p-net and Sam takes ‘notes’ to ‘learn the production side of things’.]
Glorfindel: And that, my dear hobbit, is how you slay a Balrog.
Sam: Wow, you’re incredibly brave.
Glorfindel: Yes I know. There isn’t much that can scare me.
Sam: But you do get scared?
Glorfindel: (considering) I suppose I can tell you. But no teasing. My ego – it’s fragile.
Sam: I won’t tease.
Glorfindel: Well, it’s silly really, but ever since I saw that movie Fatal Attraction – have you seen it? (Sam nods) Well, ever since I saw it, I’ve been terrified of bunnies. They give me the chills just thinking about them. And that episode of Xena, you know, that one when she gets head lice? (Sam nods) And that bunny practically ripped off Gabby’s head? That only cemented the fear.
Sam: I don’t like dogs myself.
Glorfindel: Dogs can be frightening. Especially for someone your size. One good bite and they’d gobble you up.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: Now why would he go and say something like that? How does that help? Honestly. Now I’m going to have nightmares.
[Cut back to den.]
Sam: Thanks for the warning… So, what other stories have you got?
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Why, isn’t Frodo just the sweetest little hobbit! He clearly admires me, though who could blame him. I am a marvel to behold.
**********
[Montage of next couple of days. Merry and Pippin go up to Elrond’s, supposedly to visit Bilbo and Gandalf, but really to scout the place. They also, for some reason, have cages with them and spend a good amount of time searching through the bushes. Back at the house, Eomer and Gimli compete for Arwen’s attention. She actually seems to be enjoying it and is even using it to her advantage so she doesn’t have to get up to get anything. Boromir decides to get Legolas out of the house when he once again resorts to target practicing with the Glorfindel dummies. They go to a sports bar; it’s wet t-shirt night and Boromir completely forgets about his date with Eowyn. Eowyn spies him on the TV when he’s late and decides to get back at him by going out with Faramir instead, but he resists.
Faramir: I really don’t think this is a good idea. He’ll get mad.
Eowyn: So? Who would you rather have mad – him or me?
Faramir: Neither?
Eowyn: Let’s go.
She drags him out of the house and they actually wind up having a good time. Frodo also decides to get out of the house and goes for a stroll by himself through the woods, but he freaks when he starts hearing footsteps behind him. He runs back to the house, where he finds Sam frantically searching for him and has to endure a 30-minute lecture about not going where Sam can’t follow.]
***********
[Thursday afternoon. Faramir is packing for his return trip home when Boromir enters the room. He looks like a mess and his shirt is torn where his pendant used to be.]
Boromir: How? How do women always know stuff?
Faramir: It’s a mystery we are not meant to understand, brother.
Boromir: Is that so? Tell me, brother, where did you two go last night? Did you go anywhere near the sports bar?
Faramir: Why would we go there?
Boromir: Don’t play innocent with me. Do you think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been eyeing her since you got here? You were just waiting for this to happen, so you could swoop in and be all... whatever and break us up. Well, you got your wish, cause she dumped me, really violently too. Happy now?
Faramir: You are unbelievable sometimes you know that. I have done nothing but try to help you with her, giving you advice, talking you up to her, and you still manage to screw it up. Do you even care about her?
Boromir: Of course I do. What kind of question is that?
Faramir: One that’s long overdue, because you really suck at showing it.
Boromir: Yeah, well... it wouldn’t be so hard if she wasn’t a psycho. She overreacts to everything.
Faramir: No. Don’t even blame her for this. And she isn’t psycho, she never was. She’s just lonely and vulnerable.
Boromir: Vulnerable? Do these scratches look like the work of someone who’s vulnerable?
Faramir: She was only hoping to find some companionship and comfort in you, and you ditch her for wet t-shirt night at the bar. That’s really low, especially for you.
Boromir: But, but… I was helping Legolas. He’s getting ready to kill Glorfindel, you know. I was averting a murder.
Eomer: (coming up from behind, and he looks PISSED) That’s what you think. Turn around and face me.
Boromir: (turning around) Why?
[Eomer decks him right in the nose and knocks him to the ground. Faramir steps up and pushes Eomer back into the wall.]
Faramir: Back off, pal. You don’t want to take us on.
Eomer: I have no qualms with you, but I promised your brother that if he hurt my sister I would kill him. I am a man of my word.
Faramir: You’re going to have to go through me first.
Eomer: If that’s how you want to play it, fine. The more the merrier.
Boromir: Lay a hand on my brother, and I’ll kill you.
[Cut to girls’ room upstairs. Eowyn’s kicking back on her bed, smiling serenely. Arwen’s glaring at her and occasionally wincing at the sound of furniture breaking downstairs.]
Arwen: Aren’t you going to stop this?
Eowyn: No.
Arwen: Someone’s going to get hurt.
Eowyn: Yeah, and…
Arwen: Your brother could get hurt.
Eowyn: He can take care of himself.
Arwen: What about Faramir? I thought you liked him. Do you want him to get hurt?
Eowyn: You heard him – he helped Boromir.
Arwen: Fine, if you won’t stop them, I will.
[Arwen goes downstairs and bravely stands in the middle of the brawl. The guys are forced to stop fighting.]
Boromir: Do you mind? We’re sort of in the middle of something.
Arwen: I can see that, so let’s sit down and talk this out.
Eomer: There’s nothing to talk out. I said I was going to kill him and I will.
Boromir: And I said if he laid a hand on my brother, I would kill him, and I will.
Faramir: And I said he would have to go through me first, and I meant it.
Eomer: So you see? All talked out. Now step aside, my fair maiden, so you do not get hurt.
Someone from the doorway: I would be careful who you call yours, if I were you.
[Everyone turns to the doorway and they are startled to find Aragorn standing there. Arwen runs over to him and hugs him fiercely.]
Arwen: You’re back! I missed you! (kisses him)
Aragorn: I knocked, but apparently no one heard. What’s going on here? Who are these two? And where’s Glorfindel? I was supposed to meet him on the way to Elrond’s to discuss some matters, but he never showed up.
[Arwen fills him in on everything – from the food fight to the radio shows to Gimli’s obsession with her. But no one knows where Glorfindel is.]
Aragorn: Ok, but why is blondie here calling you ‘his’.
Eomer: Blondie? Watch it Scraggy. Who do you think you are?
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, your future king.
Eomer: No, I believe that I am my future king.
Aragorn: No, I’m king!
Eomer: No, I’m the king.
Aragorn: (drawing Anduril) I am the king of the world!
Boromir: Shut up! Neither of you wanna-bes are king. Get over yourselves.
Aragorn: Did he just call us wanna-bes?
Eomer: I believe he did.
Aragorn: (to Boromir) For that, you shall pay. You shall also pay for spying on my girlfriend.
Boromir: But that was forever ago.
Faramir: I don’t think that’s the point, brother.
[They start brawling again, Aragorn and Eomer against Boromir and Faramir.]
Arwen: Oh, for the love of Manwë.
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs. Frodo was sleeping, but is jolted awake when something large and heavy hits the wall downstairs and shatters.]
Frodo: What is going on?
Sam: (getting upset) Oh, I was hoping they wouldn’t wake you up.
Frodo: They’re fighting again? Don’t they know how to do anything else?
Sam: Doesn’t appear as they do.
Frodo: Isn’t Glorfindel here? He’s supposed to be handling these sort of things.
Sam: Well, he hasn’t been doing a very good job, sir, if you don’t mind my saying.
Frodo: No, I suppose you’re right. I guess I’ll have to go and sort it out again.
Sam: No, you need your rest. I’ll take care of it.
Frodo: Are you sure?
Sam: Yeah, I’m sure. You don’t need to burden yourself with this. (starts to leave)
Frodo: Wait. Where are Merry and Pippin?
Sam: Up at Elrond’s again, I think.
Frodo: They’ve been spending a lot of time there. I hope they aren’t using it to harass Gandalf.
Sam: Gandalf can hold his own, I reckon, if that’s what they’re there for.
[Wall shakes again, something else crashes. They can now hear Legolas and Gimli joining in the fight downstairs.]
Sam: I better get down there. I’ll be back.
[Sam goes downstairs and is greeted by the sight of all the guys brawling full force. They even seem to have forgotten who they’re supposed to be fighting, though Aragorn seems to have focused on Gimli, and Legolas is simply throwing punches at whoever comes across his path so as not to feel left out. Arwen is sitting on the bottom step, examining her nails and shaking her head. Sam bravely enters the living room and has to duck immediately to avoid being hit on the head by a candleholder, which only ticks him off more.]
Sam: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
[They all stop in mid-swing and stare at him.]
Sam: What do you think you’re doing?! You’re making a racket. Mr. Frodo just got to sleep and you went and woke him up. And he hasn’t been sleeping well neither.
Aragorn: I’m sorry, Sam, I –
Sam: Shut up! Now, I don’t know what your problem is, and I don’t care. Mr. Frodo has enough to worry about without having to straighten you all out every couple of days. You’re pathetic!
Boromir: Sam…
Sam: No. I’ve had enough. You, Boromir, I don’t buy your act for a second. I know you’re still after Mr. Frodo for something. If you get even within 10 yards of him, I’ll kill you myself, and that’s a promise. And us Gamgees, we keep our promises. And you Gimli, open your eyes enough to see that Arwen is just using you as her go-for guy. The more she resists you, the more you’re willing to do for her. It’s sad.
Legolas: But Sam…
Sam: And you, Legolas, acting like your life is about to end because you have to room with Glorfindel. We all have to put up with him; get over it. And you Aragorn, you’re supposed to be our leader next to Gandalf, and instead of stopping the fight, you go and make it worse. I don’t know about all this king nonsense, but you’re a bad leader if this is how you use your position. And you two, whoever you are, don’t you know when you’ve overstayed your welcome? Leave already and a good riddance to you both. And I wouldn’t worry about Eowyn’s welfare too much as she seems to have you all exactly where she wants you. Now, I’m going back upstairs, and I don’t want to hear another peep out of any of you, or there’ll be hell to pay.
[Sam leaves and stomps upstairs. Everyone waits for a door to slam, but it just clinks softly shut. No one says anything for a long time. They all seem to be in shock. Finally, Faramir breaks the ice.]
Faramir: Now, which Frodo was that?
Gimli: That was Sam, Frodo’s gardener.
Faramir and Eomer: Gardener?
Eomer: He’s awfully protective and outspoken for a gardener.
Faramir: Yeah, bodyguard is more like it.
Aragorn: Come on. Let’s clean this mess up.
Arwen: I’ll get ice.
Aragorn: For what?
Arwen: Are you kidding? Look at yourselves. (leaves to kitchen)
**********
[Meanwhile... Cut to outside, to a long, lonely path leading somewhere. Nightfall has come and the only light is that which is illuminating from Glorfindel’s skin. He’s walking along, whistling, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. Suddenly, a rabbit darts across his path. He pauses slightly, but then continues on. A couple of seconds later, another rabbit runs across the road. Glorfindel stops whistling and walks faster. A few more bunnies later, he’s practically running. He turns a corner and…]
Glorfindel: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
[There are rabbits everywhere. And they’re the white kind, with the red eyes. Glorfindel freaks and goes running aimlessly in the other direction.]
[Cut to some bushes nearby. Shot of empty cages lying around. Pan up a couple of feet. Merry and Pippin are rolling, clutching their sides, and laughing so hard, they’re crying.]
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: (still laughing) And the best part about it – there’s no way he can possibly suspect anyone.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: I wonder if I’ll be able to steal Sam away from Frodo. I could put that guy to good use.
**********
[Next day. Elrond arrives early in the morning, upset that no one showed up for the meeting the night before. Then he sees the living room and loses it. He cancels the upcoming show.]
Legolas: But, we were going to do Metallica.
Elrond: Not next week you won’t. I can see I’ll have to take drastic measures. And where’s Glorfindel?
[No one knows. They go searching for him, and Gimli eventually finds him up in a tree, babbling incoherently to himself. Faramir bids his brother farewell, and Eomer hugs his sister good-bye. Eomer and Boromir exchange a final evil look. Eowyn says an abrupt good-bye to Faramir and leaves before he can say anything back.]
Faramir: (as they’re leaving) Is it just me, or did we only meet three of the Frodos?
Eomer: No, I think I actually met the fourth one… Did I? (thinks) I don’t know, they all look alike.
[Eowyn and Boromir are back to avoiding each other. Arwen’s spending all her time catching up with Aragorn (read that “making out with Aragorn”), and Gimli is moping about not being able to wait on her anymore. Legolas takes pity on him and they distract themselves by going through Gimli’s CD collection and picking out all the rage songs and burning CDs. The hobbits are free to roam about the house since Glorfindel is locked up in his room and refuses to come out, but everyone avoids Sam and they’re extra careful not to upset Frodo.]
**********
[Saturday night. Elrond has come once again, and Gandalf is with him. The housemates gather in the living room, and even Glorfindel is coaxed out of his room. Merry, Pippin and Sam sneak out to the top of the stairs and listen.]
Elrond: I have decided that you need a retreat. Gandalf will accompany you to make sure you don’t get lost.
Arwen: Where are we going? And can Aragorn come?
Elrond: No, he cannot. And where you are going, I cannot say. It’s a surprise. But hopefully you will find peace and comfort there, and return well rested. I don’t think I need to emphasize the importance of all of you getting along properly. We have a dark road ahead, and all this bickering will only make it worse. Pack all the things you will need for a week – two bags for each of you, ten for Arwen. You leave first thing tomorrow morning, and you’ll be traveling by car.
Gimli: I don’t like cars.
Elrond: Too bad. There will be two cars. Gandalf will drive one, with Frodo, Legolas and Eowyn as the passengers. Boromir, Gimli and Arwen will go with Glorfindel.
Arwen: Why can’t I drive?
Elrond: Sweetie, please, Daddy has a migraine.
Arwen: Do you want some aspirin?
Elrond: No, but some vodka would be nice.
[Arwen gets him a drink, and Elrond stays a little while longer to speak privately with Glorfindel and sends everyone out of the living room.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Why do I get the feeling this retreat isn’t going to help matters?
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: Empty house for a week? PARTY TIME!!!
Continued in Week 11
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 9
Week 10: All Is Fair in Love and War
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)…
Gimli: Chosen to live together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Sunday morning. Everyone’s back at the studio and Merry, Pippin and Sam are hanging out in Bilbo’s room listening to the show alone. They take the opportunity to talk about new things to do to Glorfindel, but they aren’t having much luck.]
Merry: Come on Sam, there must be something else you can tell us, something useful.
Sam: Sorry Mr. Merry, but I’ve got nothing new, and it’s just as well. Your pranks are going too far. You’re going to get Mr. Frodo into trouble again.
Pippin: Sam, give us some credit – that’s why Legolas is taking the blame for everything. Glorfindel doesn’t even suspect us... Now, we could use the shampoo…
Merry and Sam: No!
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Merry is so cruel. How does he expect me to leave the shampoo alone for so long, when it’s right there, so close, taunting me?
[Cut back to Bilbo’s room]
Pippin: So then that’s it? We’re done? (looks depressed and on the verge of tears)
Merry: No, we’re not, not by a long shot. We’re just going to have to cool it for a bit. Anyways, Glorfindel’s catching on and he’s not letting Legolas out of his sight, which means he’s no good to us as an alibi. We need to give him time to relax a little, let down his guard.
Pippin: But what do we do in the meantime?
Merry: Well, we clearly need to gather new info, and then we can make our plans. Which means (to Sam) you’re going to go undercover again Sam. You’ve been out of the game too long, my friend. Frodo can survive without you for more than two minutes you know.
Sam: But…
Merry: No, you said you’d help.
Sam: Yeah, and I’ve been regretting it ever since.
Pippin: Shh! Commercial’s over.
***********
[Cut to studio. Eowyn, Boromir and Legolas are in the middle of their set. With the help of Eomer and Faramir, Eowyn finally found the perfect album to play – The Beastie Boys’ “Licensed to Ill”. Even Boromir and Legolas can’t find anything to complain about. Boromir even proves to have some knowledge of the Beastie Boys, which impresses Eomer so much, he’s actually being nice, or his version of nice.]
Eomer: (to Boromir) You know, you’re not as pathetic as I thought you were.
Boromir: Oh, but I’m still pathetic.
Eomer: A little yes. But I suppose it’s all right if you continue to date my sister, but I’ll be watching you. Hurt her and I’ll kill you.
Boromir: You want to kill me, huh? Get in line.
Glorfindel: (from producer’s box) Um, guys, commercial’s over.
Eomer and Boromir: It is?
[They look up and see “On Air” sign is lit up.]
Boromir: Whoops.
Eomer: Our bad.
Eowyn: Ok, then. Welcome back everyone and please forget what you just heard. We have a couple of listener requests we’re going to play before getting back to the album of the morning. Faramir, you’ve got those cued up, right?
Faramir: Yeah. Let’s see... Smee wanted some “Sabotage” and Gull wants something “Finger Lickin’ Good.”
Boromir: Smee? Gull? What kind of names are those? They got gypped.
Legolas: Yeah, that’s pretty messed up. Parents can be so cruel.
Eowyn: Just play the songs.
[The rest of their set goes smoothly. Then Frodo, Arwen and Gimli enter the studio with Bilbo, who soon has everyone riveted with tales of his adventures. Merry and Pippin’s soundtrack adds the perfect backdrop to the tale. They’ve thrown together snippets of all kinds of songs to highlight the story. To name a few: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana (also known as the “Here we are now, entertain us” song) for the dwarves coming to Bag End; “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles for the trolls’ last sunrise; “Fly Like an Eagle” by Steve Miller’s Band for the rescue by the eagles; “Spider Web” by No Doubt for the Mirkwood spiders; “Wipe Out” by The Safaris for the barrel ride down the river. They have wisely decided to skip over Bilbo getting lost in the Misty Mountains and the whole incident with Gollum and the Ring, but an anonymous listener notices the omission and repeatedly calls Glorfindel to cuss him out and hang up.]
**********
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I love my brother. I do. Really. But he needs to leave already. Or maybe I can get Arwen to spend more time with him. They seem to have hit it off pretty well.
[Next morning after breakfast. Cut to kitchen, where Eomer, Eowyn, Faramir and Boromir are cleaning the dishes. Eowyn and Boromir are discussing their next date.]
Eowyn: Why don’t we go back to that restaurant Faramir picked out for our last date?
Boromir: What makes you think Faramir picked it out?
Eowyn: ‘I’m just observant’ – please. That is the last thing you are, believe me.
Boromir: What is that supposed to mean?
Eowyn: It means you wouldn’t even notice a Mac truck barreling down the highway till it ran you over.
Boromir: Ok, now you’re just over-exaggerating. I would too notice a Mac truck.
Eowyn: Whatever. Are we going to the restaurant or not?
Faramir: So you liked it then? I figured you would prefer simple over fancy.
Eowyn: I loved it. Thank you.
Faramir: You’re welcome.
Eomer: I’ll have to go along to chaperone.
Boromir: I don’t think so.
Eowyn: And neither do I.
Eomer: Someone has to keep an eye on him.
Eowyn: I’ll keep an eye on him.
Eomer: Yeah, but what part of him?
Eowyn: Excuse me! What kind of a question is that supposed to be? (to Boromir, who’s laughing) This isn’t funny.
Boromir: Yes it is.
Eowyn: AARGHH! Driving… me… crazy! (leaves)
Faramir: I think you two need to back off her a bit.
Eomer: Don’t lecture me on how to handle my sister. Stay out of it.
Boromir: And don’t you boss my brother around.
Eomer: If I were you, I would be keeping a closer eye on my brother.
Boromir: What is that supposed to mean?
Eomer: That you’re obviously not that intelligent. But of course I already knew that. Nice pendant, by the way.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I’m so not going to miss him when he leaves.
[Cut to upstairs in hobbit’s room. Legolas is there talking with Merry and Pippin about their plans for Glorfindel. He doesn’t seem happy about the news.]
Legolas: You have nothing planned? Nothing at all? There has to be something. Anything. He’s driving me crazy. He won’t let me out of his sight, and he badgers me with questions whenever I try to leave the house. He even tried going into the bathroom with me this morning. If I’m going to be under constant Glory-surveillance, I should at least be getting something out of it.
Merry: Don’t worry. We’ve got Sam working on new leads even as we speak. We should have plenty of information by tonight. Unless there’s something you can tell us right now.
Legolas: No, nothing. Except that he has those meetings with Elrond every Thursday night, but you already know about those.
Pippin: No we don’t. What meetings?
Legolas: You know? The ones about the show. Plus some of the scouts are even starting to come back. I imagine they’ll talk about that too.
Pippin: Details, man. We need specifics. Where are these meetings held? What time? Does he go there alone? Does he go by the main road or some other way? How long do they last? Do they allow interruptions? Do they ever order in food? Or do they go out to eat? Is it just him and Elrond, or are there others, cause that could get tricky.
Merry: Breath, Pip, calm down. (to Legolas) Now, tell us everything you know. Just the facts.
[Cut to den. Glorfindel is working on producer stuff for the show and Sam is keeping him company. They’re chatting casually as Glorfindel surfs the p-net and Sam takes ‘notes’ to ‘learn the production side of things’.]
Glorfindel: And that, my dear hobbit, is how you slay a Balrog.
Sam: Wow, you’re incredibly brave.
Glorfindel: Yes I know. There isn’t much that can scare me.
Sam: But you do get scared?
Glorfindel: (considering) I suppose I can tell you. But no teasing. My ego – it’s fragile.
Sam: I won’t tease.
Glorfindel: Well, it’s silly really, but ever since I saw that movie Fatal Attraction – have you seen it? (Sam nods) Well, ever since I saw it, I’ve been terrified of bunnies. They give me the chills just thinking about them. And that episode of Xena, you know, that one when she gets head lice? (Sam nods) And that bunny practically ripped off Gabby’s head? That only cemented the fear.
Sam: I don’t like dogs myself.
Glorfindel: Dogs can be frightening. Especially for someone your size. One good bite and they’d gobble you up.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: Now why would he go and say something like that? How does that help? Honestly. Now I’m going to have nightmares.
[Cut back to den.]
Sam: Thanks for the warning… So, what other stories have you got?
[Cut to Glorfindel in c.r.]: Why, isn’t Frodo just the sweetest little hobbit! He clearly admires me, though who could blame him. I am a marvel to behold.
**********
[Montage of next couple of days. Merry and Pippin go up to Elrond’s, supposedly to visit Bilbo and Gandalf, but really to scout the place. They also, for some reason, have cages with them and spend a good amount of time searching through the bushes. Back at the house, Eomer and Gimli compete for Arwen’s attention. She actually seems to be enjoying it and is even using it to her advantage so she doesn’t have to get up to get anything. Boromir decides to get Legolas out of the house when he once again resorts to target practicing with the Glorfindel dummies. They go to a sports bar; it’s wet t-shirt night and Boromir completely forgets about his date with Eowyn. Eowyn spies him on the TV when he’s late and decides to get back at him by going out with Faramir instead, but he resists.
Faramir: I really don’t think this is a good idea. He’ll get mad.
Eowyn: So? Who would you rather have mad – him or me?
Faramir: Neither?
Eowyn: Let’s go.
She drags him out of the house and they actually wind up having a good time. Frodo also decides to get out of the house and goes for a stroll by himself through the woods, but he freaks when he starts hearing footsteps behind him. He runs back to the house, where he finds Sam frantically searching for him and has to endure a 30-minute lecture about not going where Sam can’t follow.]
***********
[Thursday afternoon. Faramir is packing for his return trip home when Boromir enters the room. He looks like a mess and his shirt is torn where his pendant used to be.]
Boromir: How? How do women always know stuff?
Faramir: It’s a mystery we are not meant to understand, brother.
Boromir: Is that so? Tell me, brother, where did you two go last night? Did you go anywhere near the sports bar?
Faramir: Why would we go there?
Boromir: Don’t play innocent with me. Do you think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been eyeing her since you got here? You were just waiting for this to happen, so you could swoop in and be all... whatever and break us up. Well, you got your wish, cause she dumped me, really violently too. Happy now?
Faramir: You are unbelievable sometimes you know that. I have done nothing but try to help you with her, giving you advice, talking you up to her, and you still manage to screw it up. Do you even care about her?
Boromir: Of course I do. What kind of question is that?
Faramir: One that’s long overdue, because you really suck at showing it.
Boromir: Yeah, well... it wouldn’t be so hard if she wasn’t a psycho. She overreacts to everything.
Faramir: No. Don’t even blame her for this. And she isn’t psycho, she never was. She’s just lonely and vulnerable.
Boromir: Vulnerable? Do these scratches look like the work of someone who’s vulnerable?
Faramir: She was only hoping to find some companionship and comfort in you, and you ditch her for wet t-shirt night at the bar. That’s really low, especially for you.
Boromir: But, but… I was helping Legolas. He’s getting ready to kill Glorfindel, you know. I was averting a murder.
Eomer: (coming up from behind, and he looks PISSED) That’s what you think. Turn around and face me.
Boromir: (turning around) Why?
[Eomer decks him right in the nose and knocks him to the ground. Faramir steps up and pushes Eomer back into the wall.]
Faramir: Back off, pal. You don’t want to take us on.
Eomer: I have no qualms with you, but I promised your brother that if he hurt my sister I would kill him. I am a man of my word.
Faramir: You’re going to have to go through me first.
Eomer: If that’s how you want to play it, fine. The more the merrier.
Boromir: Lay a hand on my brother, and I’ll kill you.
[Cut to girls’ room upstairs. Eowyn’s kicking back on her bed, smiling serenely. Arwen’s glaring at her and occasionally wincing at the sound of furniture breaking downstairs.]
Arwen: Aren’t you going to stop this?
Eowyn: No.
Arwen: Someone’s going to get hurt.
Eowyn: Yeah, and…
Arwen: Your brother could get hurt.
Eowyn: He can take care of himself.
Arwen: What about Faramir? I thought you liked him. Do you want him to get hurt?
Eowyn: You heard him – he helped Boromir.
Arwen: Fine, if you won’t stop them, I will.
[Arwen goes downstairs and bravely stands in the middle of the brawl. The guys are forced to stop fighting.]
Boromir: Do you mind? We’re sort of in the middle of something.
Arwen: I can see that, so let’s sit down and talk this out.
Eomer: There’s nothing to talk out. I said I was going to kill him and I will.
Boromir: And I said if he laid a hand on my brother, I would kill him, and I will.
Faramir: And I said he would have to go through me first, and I meant it.
Eomer: So you see? All talked out. Now step aside, my fair maiden, so you do not get hurt.
Someone from the doorway: I would be careful who you call yours, if I were you.
[Everyone turns to the doorway and they are startled to find Aragorn standing there. Arwen runs over to him and hugs him fiercely.]
Arwen: You’re back! I missed you! (kisses him)
Aragorn: I knocked, but apparently no one heard. What’s going on here? Who are these two? And where’s Glorfindel? I was supposed to meet him on the way to Elrond’s to discuss some matters, but he never showed up.
[Arwen fills him in on everything – from the food fight to the radio shows to Gimli’s obsession with her. But no one knows where Glorfindel is.]
Aragorn: Ok, but why is blondie here calling you ‘his’.
Eomer: Blondie? Watch it Scraggy. Who do you think you are?
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, your future king.
Eomer: No, I believe that I am my future king.
Aragorn: No, I’m king!
Eomer: No, I’m the king.
Aragorn: (drawing Anduril) I am the king of the world!
Boromir: Shut up! Neither of you wanna-bes are king. Get over yourselves.
Aragorn: Did he just call us wanna-bes?
Eomer: I believe he did.
Aragorn: (to Boromir) For that, you shall pay. You shall also pay for spying on my girlfriend.
Boromir: But that was forever ago.
Faramir: I don’t think that’s the point, brother.
[They start brawling again, Aragorn and Eomer against Boromir and Faramir.]
Arwen: Oh, for the love of Manwë.
[Cut to hobbits’ room upstairs. Frodo was sleeping, but is jolted awake when something large and heavy hits the wall downstairs and shatters.]
Frodo: What is going on?
Sam: (getting upset) Oh, I was hoping they wouldn’t wake you up.
Frodo: They’re fighting again? Don’t they know how to do anything else?
Sam: Doesn’t appear as they do.
Frodo: Isn’t Glorfindel here? He’s supposed to be handling these sort of things.
Sam: Well, he hasn’t been doing a very good job, sir, if you don’t mind my saying.
Frodo: No, I suppose you’re right. I guess I’ll have to go and sort it out again.
Sam: No, you need your rest. I’ll take care of it.
Frodo: Are you sure?
Sam: Yeah, I’m sure. You don’t need to burden yourself with this. (starts to leave)
Frodo: Wait. Where are Merry and Pippin?
Sam: Up at Elrond’s again, I think.
Frodo: They’ve been spending a lot of time there. I hope they aren’t using it to harass Gandalf.
Sam: Gandalf can hold his own, I reckon, if that’s what they’re there for.
[Wall shakes again, something else crashes. They can now hear Legolas and Gimli joining in the fight downstairs.]
Sam: I better get down there. I’ll be back.
[Sam goes downstairs and is greeted by the sight of all the guys brawling full force. They even seem to have forgotten who they’re supposed to be fighting, though Aragorn seems to have focused on Gimli, and Legolas is simply throwing punches at whoever comes across his path so as not to feel left out. Arwen is sitting on the bottom step, examining her nails and shaking her head. Sam bravely enters the living room and has to duck immediately to avoid being hit on the head by a candleholder, which only ticks him off more.]
Sam: STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
[They all stop in mid-swing and stare at him.]
Sam: What do you think you’re doing?! You’re making a racket. Mr. Frodo just got to sleep and you went and woke him up. And he hasn’t been sleeping well neither.
Aragorn: I’m sorry, Sam, I –
Sam: Shut up! Now, I don’t know what your problem is, and I don’t care. Mr. Frodo has enough to worry about without having to straighten you all out every couple of days. You’re pathetic!
Boromir: Sam…
Sam: No. I’ve had enough. You, Boromir, I don’t buy your act for a second. I know you’re still after Mr. Frodo for something. If you get even within 10 yards of him, I’ll kill you myself, and that’s a promise. And us Gamgees, we keep our promises. And you Gimli, open your eyes enough to see that Arwen is just using you as her go-for guy. The more she resists you, the more you’re willing to do for her. It’s sad.
Legolas: But Sam…
Sam: And you, Legolas, acting like your life is about to end because you have to room with Glorfindel. We all have to put up with him; get over it. And you Aragorn, you’re supposed to be our leader next to Gandalf, and instead of stopping the fight, you go and make it worse. I don’t know about all this king nonsense, but you’re a bad leader if this is how you use your position. And you two, whoever you are, don’t you know when you’ve overstayed your welcome? Leave already and a good riddance to you both. And I wouldn’t worry about Eowyn’s welfare too much as she seems to have you all exactly where she wants you. Now, I’m going back upstairs, and I don’t want to hear another peep out of any of you, or there’ll be hell to pay.
[Sam leaves and stomps upstairs. Everyone waits for a door to slam, but it just clinks softly shut. No one says anything for a long time. They all seem to be in shock. Finally, Faramir breaks the ice.]
Faramir: Now, which Frodo was that?
Gimli: That was Sam, Frodo’s gardener.
Faramir and Eomer: Gardener?
Eomer: He’s awfully protective and outspoken for a gardener.
Faramir: Yeah, bodyguard is more like it.
Aragorn: Come on. Let’s clean this mess up.
Arwen: I’ll get ice.
Aragorn: For what?
Arwen: Are you kidding? Look at yourselves. (leaves to kitchen)
**********
[Meanwhile... Cut to outside, to a long, lonely path leading somewhere. Nightfall has come and the only light is that which is illuminating from Glorfindel’s skin. He’s walking along, whistling, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. Suddenly, a rabbit darts across his path. He pauses slightly, but then continues on. A couple of seconds later, another rabbit runs across the road. Glorfindel stops whistling and walks faster. A few more bunnies later, he’s practically running. He turns a corner and…]
Glorfindel: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
[There are rabbits everywhere. And they’re the white kind, with the red eyes. Glorfindel freaks and goes running aimlessly in the other direction.]
[Cut to some bushes nearby. Shot of empty cages lying around. Pan up a couple of feet. Merry and Pippin are rolling, clutching their sides, and laughing so hard, they’re crying.]
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: (still laughing) And the best part about it – there’s no way he can possibly suspect anyone.
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: I wonder if I’ll be able to steal Sam away from Frodo. I could put that guy to good use.
**********
[Next day. Elrond arrives early in the morning, upset that no one showed up for the meeting the night before. Then he sees the living room and loses it. He cancels the upcoming show.]
Legolas: But, we were going to do Metallica.
Elrond: Not next week you won’t. I can see I’ll have to take drastic measures. And where’s Glorfindel?
[No one knows. They go searching for him, and Gimli eventually finds him up in a tree, babbling incoherently to himself. Faramir bids his brother farewell, and Eomer hugs his sister good-bye. Eomer and Boromir exchange a final evil look. Eowyn says an abrupt good-bye to Faramir and leaves before he can say anything back.]
Faramir: (as they’re leaving) Is it just me, or did we only meet three of the Frodos?
Eomer: No, I think I actually met the fourth one… Did I? (thinks) I don’t know, they all look alike.
[Eowyn and Boromir are back to avoiding each other. Arwen’s spending all her time catching up with Aragorn (read that “making out with Aragorn”), and Gimli is moping about not being able to wait on her anymore. Legolas takes pity on him and they distract themselves by going through Gimli’s CD collection and picking out all the rage songs and burning CDs. The hobbits are free to roam about the house since Glorfindel is locked up in his room and refuses to come out, but everyone avoids Sam and they’re extra careful not to upset Frodo.]
**********
[Saturday night. Elrond has come once again, and Gandalf is with him. The housemates gather in the living room, and even Glorfindel is coaxed out of his room. Merry, Pippin and Sam sneak out to the top of the stairs and listen.]
Elrond: I have decided that you need a retreat. Gandalf will accompany you to make sure you don’t get lost.
Arwen: Where are we going? And can Aragorn come?
Elrond: No, he cannot. And where you are going, I cannot say. It’s a surprise. But hopefully you will find peace and comfort there, and return well rested. I don’t think I need to emphasize the importance of all of you getting along properly. We have a dark road ahead, and all this bickering will only make it worse. Pack all the things you will need for a week – two bags for each of you, ten for Arwen. You leave first thing tomorrow morning, and you’ll be traveling by car.
Gimli: I don’t like cars.
Elrond: Too bad. There will be two cars. Gandalf will drive one, with Frodo, Legolas and Eowyn as the passengers. Boromir, Gimli and Arwen will go with Glorfindel.
Arwen: Why can’t I drive?
Elrond: Sweetie, please, Daddy has a migraine.
Arwen: Do you want some aspirin?
Elrond: No, but some vodka would be nice.
[Arwen gets him a drink, and Elrond stays a little while longer to speak privately with Glorfindel and sends everyone out of the living room.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Why do I get the feeling this retreat isn’t going to help matters?
[Cut to Merry in c.r.]: Empty house for a week? PARTY TIME!!!
Continued in Week 11
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