Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 08:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 12
At this point, I abandoned this fic for lack of interest, both readership and myself no longer wanting to continue with it, or have to watch the movie yet again. These are some of the ideas I had for finishing the fic, if I had done so.
Chapter 47: The Pyre of Denethor
After Denethor becomes the Human Torch
Pippin: (as Denethor runs past the tree of Gondor) Jump in the pool! Jump in the pool!
Denethor: (runs past pool)
Pippin: He never did listen to me.
Chapter 48: The Battle of Pelennor Fields
When Éomer throws his spear,
Somewhere in the narration: .... and Éomer FINALLY throws his spear....
Chapter 49: “A Far Green Country”
After Gandalf tells Pippin all about death and the far green country, Pippin says: Dude, isn't that where the Elves go? Why you telling me about something I'm never going to see? Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Chapter 50: The Nazgul and His Prey
Chapter 51: The Black Ships
Just remember that Rick Cottontree is supposed to be there and he should say something really obvious and glum. ^_^
Chapter 52: Shieldmaiden of Rohan
Witch King: I'm melting! Melting!
Chapter 53: Victory at Minas Tirith
Somewhere in the narration: ... oh, and Legolas kills an oliphaunt... (that was going to be all that I was going to say about Leggy's conquest. You can elaborate of course if you want to.)
Chapter 54: The Passing of Théoden
Chapter 55: Oaths Fulfilled
Aragorn gives the Dead Army the deed to Dwimorberg to build their own Resort and Spa.
Chapter 56: The Houses of Healing
I didn't have anything really planned for this scene, other than maybe having Arwen, instead of singing, warning Éowyn away from Aragorn while Éowyn is unconscious. Or maybe she could be singing something that is the equivalent of “stay away from my man”. I'm sure there's a song out there somewhere, but I haven't hunted one down yet. Oh! Brain storm! Maybe she could be singing “He's My Puppet” which you be “I'm Your Puppet” but with the nouns and pronouns reversed. ^_^
Chapter 57: Pippin Looks After Merry
This scene now takes place at night.
Pippin: Dude, when did it get so dark? Weird.
Chapter 58: The Tower of Cirith Ungol
Frodo's singing “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who and that's why the orc comes up to harass him.
No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my DREEEAAAAMS
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
Orc: Oh, shut UP!
Chapter 59: The Last Debate
Legolas: It's a diversion
Éomer: What page are you on Leggy, cuz we already got there? (remember, Éomer doesn't like Leggy, and Legolas of course hates being called Leggy. And Rick Cottontree should probably be there to annoy Éomer, insisting on still being his body double, maybe even saying all of Éomer's lines with him)
This is the dialogue that was added to the movie:
Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for!
Gandalf: (to Aragorn) Sauron will suspect a trap. He will not take the bait.
Aragorn: Oh, I think he will.
(Cut to next scene)
Chapter 60: Aragorn Masters the Palantir
Chapter 61: The Captain and the White Lady
Chapter 62: In the Company of Orcs
Chapter 63: The Land of Shadow
When Frodo is batting away his illusions:
Frodo: Shoo flies, don't bother me.
Chapter 64: The Mouth of Sauron
Chapter 65: The Black Gate Opens
I was going to be incredibly corny and puny with the “Eye for an Eye” (when the soldiers are surrounded by the orcs, it looks like an eye from the aerial shot). Something in the narration like: ... Dude, it's an eye - for an Eye. Get it?
Chapter 66: “I Can't Carry It For You… but I Can Carry You.”
When Sam talks to Frodo about strawberries, he starts singing “Strawberry Fields Forever” by The Beatles. Frodo interrupts him: Dude, you know I'm allergic to strawberries.
Chapter 67: The Last Move
Chapter 68: Mount Doom
As Sam is carrying Frodo within sight of the Crack of Doom, he's singing “I Won't Back Down” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Gollum: Dude, don't you EVER stop singing!
Chapter 69: “The Eagles Are Coming!”
When the moth flies in front of Gandalf:
Moth: Dude, don't you ever pay your tabs?
Gandalf: I'm gonna, but I've been busy.
Moth: Yeah, well, the Big Boss ain't hearing it no more. He wants payment now and he's sent his croonies to get it. (cue eagles, who get caught in battle with the fell beasts)
Gandalf: (looking smug) Damn, I'm good. (the thought being that he had it planned like this all along. Maybe Gandalf can say something about there being reinforcements coming during an earlier scene and when someone asks him what he means, he can just look smug and not answer.)
Chapter 70: The Crack of Doom
Frodo: He bit off my finger! (gets up in rage)
Sam: What're you doing?!
Frodo: I'm gonna bite off his finger!
Sam: Dude, think about it. You have no idea where those hands have been. Do you really want that in your mouth?
Frodo: (doesn't listen)
Sam: Oh, I give up.
......
When Frodo's dangling off the cliff:
Sam: Dude, if you're done with your Bruce Willis-Die Hard moment, I sorta think we should leave.
Frodo: You're always ruining my fun!
Chapter 71: Sauron Defeated
Chapter 72: The End of All Things
Chapter 73: The Fellowship Reunited
Since it always looks like Gimli is going to join in on the fun:
Gimli: Oh! Pajama party!
Legolas: Not so fast, shrimpy. It's slashy enough without you getting in there.
Chapter 74: The Return of the King
When Aragorn starts singing, it should translate as “People got to be Free” by the Young Rascals
Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien
Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta
All the world over so easy to see
People everywhere just got to be free
Listen, please listen, that's the way it should be
Peace in the valley, people got to be free
Chapter 75: Homeward Bound
Chapter 76: The Grey Havens
I don't know if you've ever seen Animaniacs, but sometimes at the end of the episodes, they would stop in the middle of being chased to spin the wheel of morality to find out what the day's lesson was. I was going to spoof on that for the end of this scene.
After Gandalf gets on the ship (making no mention of Frodo going)
Pippin: Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Merry: Confused about what Pip?
Pippin: Well, what was today's lesson.
Frodo: I don't know. Let's find out. (spins Wheel of Morality) Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn. (Wheels spits out some paper.) And moral of today's story is (reads) "Congratulations! You've won an all-expenses paid, life-long stay at the Happiest Place Not on Middle-Earth!" I won! I never win anything!
Pippin: You're so lucky.
Frodo: See ya, suckers! (gets on ship and it sails away)
Sam: (picks up paper, squints at fine print) Mr. Frodo! Wait! You didn't read the Hobbit Clause!
Merry: Hobbit Clause? (takes paper) "Condition of terms: Whoever wins this ticket must work for the rest of his days as a singing gnome on the "It's a Small World" Ride." Oh, that's just wrong!
Sam: (wistful) I like that ride.
Pippin: Well, it's too late now. He's gone.
(They watch the ship as it sails away)
Merry: Well, Sam, at least you get Bag End now.
Sam: No I don't. Mr. Frodo didn't leave me anything. I'm doomed to raise 13 kids in a duplex home.
Pippin: Some happy ending this turned out to be.
Merry: Yeah, screw this. Let's get wasted.
Pippin & Sam: 'Kay.
End Credits
No hobbits were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the gangly creature thing and the Ring of Power were unavoidably charbroiled when they insisted on lighting a gas-powered barbeque with a match, which also destroyed the Lighthouse of Mordor. Due to the impending lawsuit, nothing further can be said at this time.
Soundtrack available courtesy of Tuckborough Records
Simon and Garfunkel - Wake Up, Little Suzie
The Beatles - I Want to Hold Your Hand
House of Pain - Jump Around
Sam the Sham - Lil Red Riding Hood
Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started in Here
Ramones - Spiderman
The Doors - Light My Fire
Monty Python - I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts
Napolean XIV - They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaaa!
Aqua - Barbie Girl
Duran Duran - Whatever Happens Tomorrow
The Grateful Dead - Box of Rain
Juvenile - Slow Motion
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 12
At this point, I abandoned this fic for lack of interest, both readership and myself no longer wanting to continue with it, or have to watch the movie yet again. These are some of the ideas I had for finishing the fic, if I had done so.
Chapter 47: The Pyre of Denethor
After Denethor becomes the Human Torch
Pippin: (as Denethor runs past the tree of Gondor) Jump in the pool! Jump in the pool!
Denethor: (runs past pool)
Pippin: He never did listen to me.
Chapter 48: The Battle of Pelennor Fields
When Éomer throws his spear,
Somewhere in the narration: .... and Éomer FINALLY throws his spear....
Chapter 49: “A Far Green Country”
After Gandalf tells Pippin all about death and the far green country, Pippin says: Dude, isn't that where the Elves go? Why you telling me about something I'm never going to see? Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Chapter 50: The Nazgul and His Prey
Chapter 51: The Black Ships
Just remember that Rick Cottontree is supposed to be there and he should say something really obvious and glum. ^_^
Chapter 52: Shieldmaiden of Rohan
Witch King: I'm melting! Melting!
Chapter 53: Victory at Minas Tirith
Somewhere in the narration: ... oh, and Legolas kills an oliphaunt... (that was going to be all that I was going to say about Leggy's conquest. You can elaborate of course if you want to.)
Chapter 54: The Passing of Théoden
Chapter 55: Oaths Fulfilled
Aragorn gives the Dead Army the deed to Dwimorberg to build their own Resort and Spa.
Chapter 56: The Houses of Healing
I didn't have anything really planned for this scene, other than maybe having Arwen, instead of singing, warning Éowyn away from Aragorn while Éowyn is unconscious. Or maybe she could be singing something that is the equivalent of “stay away from my man”. I'm sure there's a song out there somewhere, but I haven't hunted one down yet. Oh! Brain storm! Maybe she could be singing “He's My Puppet” which you be “I'm Your Puppet” but with the nouns and pronouns reversed. ^_^
Chapter 57: Pippin Looks After Merry
This scene now takes place at night.
Pippin: Dude, when did it get so dark? Weird.
Chapter 58: The Tower of Cirith Ungol
Frodo's singing “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who and that's why the orc comes up to harass him.
No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my DREEEAAAAMS
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
Orc: Oh, shut UP!
Chapter 59: The Last Debate
Legolas: It's a diversion
Éomer: What page are you on Leggy, cuz we already got there? (remember, Éomer doesn't like Leggy, and Legolas of course hates being called Leggy. And Rick Cottontree should probably be there to annoy Éomer, insisting on still being his body double, maybe even saying all of Éomer's lines with him)
This is the dialogue that was added to the movie:
Gimli: Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for!
Gandalf: (to Aragorn) Sauron will suspect a trap. He will not take the bait.
Aragorn: Oh, I think he will.
(Cut to next scene)
Chapter 60: Aragorn Masters the Palantir
Chapter 61: The Captain and the White Lady
Chapter 62: In the Company of Orcs
Chapter 63: The Land of Shadow
When Frodo is batting away his illusions:
Frodo: Shoo flies, don't bother me.
Chapter 64: The Mouth of Sauron
Chapter 65: The Black Gate Opens
I was going to be incredibly corny and puny with the “Eye for an Eye” (when the soldiers are surrounded by the orcs, it looks like an eye from the aerial shot). Something in the narration like: ... Dude, it's an eye - for an Eye. Get it?
Chapter 66: “I Can't Carry It For You… but I Can Carry You.”
When Sam talks to Frodo about strawberries, he starts singing “Strawberry Fields Forever” by The Beatles. Frodo interrupts him: Dude, you know I'm allergic to strawberries.
Chapter 67: The Last Move
Chapter 68: Mount Doom
As Sam is carrying Frodo within sight of the Crack of Doom, he's singing “I Won't Back Down” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won’t back down
Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down
Gollum: Dude, don't you EVER stop singing!
Chapter 69: “The Eagles Are Coming!”
When the moth flies in front of Gandalf:
Moth: Dude, don't you ever pay your tabs?
Gandalf: I'm gonna, but I've been busy.
Moth: Yeah, well, the Big Boss ain't hearing it no more. He wants payment now and he's sent his croonies to get it. (cue eagles, who get caught in battle with the fell beasts)
Gandalf: (looking smug) Damn, I'm good. (the thought being that he had it planned like this all along. Maybe Gandalf can say something about there being reinforcements coming during an earlier scene and when someone asks him what he means, he can just look smug and not answer.)
Chapter 70: The Crack of Doom
Frodo: He bit off my finger! (gets up in rage)
Sam: What're you doing?!
Frodo: I'm gonna bite off his finger!
Sam: Dude, think about it. You have no idea where those hands have been. Do you really want that in your mouth?
Frodo: (doesn't listen)
Sam: Oh, I give up.
......
When Frodo's dangling off the cliff:
Sam: Dude, if you're done with your Bruce Willis-Die Hard moment, I sorta think we should leave.
Frodo: You're always ruining my fun!
Chapter 71: Sauron Defeated
Chapter 72: The End of All Things
Chapter 73: The Fellowship Reunited
Since it always looks like Gimli is going to join in on the fun:
Gimli: Oh! Pajama party!
Legolas: Not so fast, shrimpy. It's slashy enough without you getting in there.
Chapter 74: The Return of the King
When Aragorn starts singing, it should translate as “People got to be Free” by the Young Rascals
Et Eärello Endorenna utúlien
Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta
All the world over so easy to see
People everywhere just got to be free
Listen, please listen, that's the way it should be
Peace in the valley, people got to be free
Chapter 75: Homeward Bound
Chapter 76: The Grey Havens
I don't know if you've ever seen Animaniacs, but sometimes at the end of the episodes, they would stop in the middle of being chased to spin the wheel of morality to find out what the day's lesson was. I was going to spoof on that for the end of this scene.
After Gandalf gets on the ship (making no mention of Frodo going)
Pippin: Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Merry: Confused about what Pip?
Pippin: Well, what was today's lesson.
Frodo: I don't know. Let's find out. (spins Wheel of Morality) Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn. (Wheels spits out some paper.) And moral of today's story is (reads) "Congratulations! You've won an all-expenses paid, life-long stay at the Happiest Place Not on Middle-Earth!" I won! I never win anything!
Pippin: You're so lucky.
Frodo: See ya, suckers! (gets on ship and it sails away)
Sam: (picks up paper, squints at fine print) Mr. Frodo! Wait! You didn't read the Hobbit Clause!
Merry: Hobbit Clause? (takes paper) "Condition of terms: Whoever wins this ticket must work for the rest of his days as a singing gnome on the "It's a Small World" Ride." Oh, that's just wrong!
Sam: (wistful) I like that ride.
Pippin: Well, it's too late now. He's gone.
(They watch the ship as it sails away)
Merry: Well, Sam, at least you get Bag End now.
Sam: No I don't. Mr. Frodo didn't leave me anything. I'm doomed to raise 13 kids in a duplex home.
Pippin: Some happy ending this turned out to be.
Merry: Yeah, screw this. Let's get wasted.
Pippin & Sam: 'Kay.
End Credits
No hobbits were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the gangly creature thing and the Ring of Power were unavoidably charbroiled when they insisted on lighting a gas-powered barbeque with a match, which also destroyed the Lighthouse of Mordor. Due to the impending lawsuit, nothing further can be said at this time.
Soundtrack available courtesy of Tuckborough Records
Simon and Garfunkel - Wake Up, Little Suzie
The Beatles - I Want to Hold Your Hand
House of Pain - Jump Around
Sam the Sham - Lil Red Riding Hood
Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started in Here
Ramones - Spiderman
The Doors - Light My Fire
Monty Python - I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts
Napolean XIV - They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaaa!
Aqua - Barbie Girl
Duran Duran - Whatever Happens Tomorrow
The Grateful Dead - Box of Rain
Juvenile - Slow Motion
