Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 07:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 6
Chapter 22 – The Wizard’s Pupil
(Cut to the Citadel. Faramir’s facing the Inquiry.)
Denethor: So, this is how you would serve your city? Leave her kneeling in the mud begging mercy?
Faramir: (shrugs) Yeah, ok.
Denethor: Just what exactly was going through that air filled noggin of yours? You show your loyalty by letting my Pretty go into Mordor with a dimwitted ankle biter?
Faramir: Well, actually, bringing the ring was Boromir’s gig, not mine. Remember, you didn’t trust me to do it, and I didn’t do it, so really, if you think about it, I’m way more loyal than Boromir cuz I do exactly what you expect. So there!
Denethor: Oh, stop brown nosing. And stop thinking – you’re not allowed! That’s what you got Madril for.
Faramir: Yeah, about him…
Denethor: Shut up! Who said you could talk? Did I say you could talk? It so wasn’t me. (waits to make sure Faramir isn’t going to say anything, then continues) You pulled a Brutus on your own city, letting the Pretty go, and that’s so not cool. Your brother never woulda done that. He woulda remembered how totally righteous I am and he woulda brought me the ring, for sure. And I woulda hidden it, yeah, somewhere only I know, so no one else could get their unworthy grimy paws all over it, and I totally only woulda used it when it was absolutely crucial, or whenever I can’t find the TV remote. I mean really, what do I look like – crazy?
Faramir: (says nothing)
Denethor: Well, aren’t ya gonna say nothing?
Faramir: I just did say nothing. (notices Denethor’s glare) I mean – whatever! Boromir was gonna bring you the ring? Yeah right! As if! You’re living in a dream sequence if you think that’s gonna happen. No, man, he woulda took it for his own, and by the time he got back here, he’d be so power-trippin’ you wouldn’t even recognize him.
Denethor: Boromir was loyal to me!
Faramir: He was a butt monkey! Yeah, that’s right! I said it! A butt monkey! If you knew half the things he did when you weren’t around…
Denethor: Shut up! Boromir was MY son. He didn’t go ‘round kissing up to that staunchy old wiz dude. I didn’t spend all that money training you for slaughterage so you could have some crackpot old fool teach you magic tricks!
Faramir: You know magic? (notices Denethor’s deadly glare) Oh! You were talkin’ ‘bout Gandalf, my bad.
Denethor: (jumping up out of chair) Man, you diss me one more time, I’ll smack you up! (trips over robe and falls over backward into chair)
Faramir: Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.
(Denethor looks up and is about to say something nasty, when he suddenly sees Boromir’s ghost standing behind Faramir. Denethor goes all doe-eyed as Boromir sneaks up behind Faramir and makes rabbit ears.)
Denethor: My son!
Faramir: Who? Me?
(Ghost fades and Denethor sneers at Faramir for no good reason.)
Denethor: Get outta my face!
Chapter 23: The Stairs of Cirith Ungol
(Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are STILL climbing, with Gollum in the lead, and he’s not even the least bit tired, which is kinda shifty if you ask me. Anyway, he reaches an outcrop just as Frodo slips.)
States-the-Obvious Gollum: Careful, Master Dude. Really long way to fall.
Frodo: Gee, ya think? I’m so glad you’re here to tell me these things.
(Just then, the Ring pops out of Frodo’s shirt as he struggles to get onto the landing and it taunts Gollum.)
Ring: You want to hooooold me, you want to claaaaaiiiiim me, you want to weeeeeaaaar me!
Hannibal Gollum: (licks lips)
Smeagol: Come Master Dude. Come here Master. Good Master Dude.
Frodo: Dude, shut up and help me already, geez.
(Frodo struggles for several seconds but Gollum waits until Sam is in view to get the wrong idea.)
Sam: You even try anything sneaky –
Gollum: Kay! (finally grabs Frodo and helps him up)
Hood Gollum: See, man, that’s what I’m talking about. He gives me lip and all I be trying to do is help. It’s like a brother can’t get ahead you know? But I do know. What you got around you neck, that has got to be the biggest bling you can get your freak on with, and it drains you man. Sancho, he just don’t understand that. That’s why I got your back. Me, not him, ya feel me?
Dude Gollum: Cuz you know what, bro, he totally wants it for himself. I see him ogling it all the time, drooling even. It’s way gross.
Frodo: Get over yourself.
Dude Gollum: No, for real. He’s getting twitchy like, and soon, he’s gonna try to lift it from you.
Frodo: He so would never do that!
Hippy Gollum: But he would, man! He’s blinded you to the truth! He’s playing up the white hat gig but he’s coming for it man, and we got proof.
Frodo: Proof? Yeah right.
Hippy Gollum: Think about it man, there’s a reason he doesn’t want to go by the script no more. (Pulls out tattered copy of LOTR book, flips to a page near the back) See here man. He asks for it – right there! (turns to another page) And there! (turns to another page) And see there – he’s got it man! He melted your brain and took the Pretty for his own!
Frodo: That butt wipe! (looks back at Sam, who’s struggling up the wall, and gives him evil eye. Then he realizes something and turns back to Gollum) Wait a sec, did you flip forward to where he had the ring from when he was asking for it?
Gollum: No.
Frodo: You did too.
Gollum: No I didn’t.
Frodo: Did too. Why would he ask for the ring after he has it? Let me see that.
Gollum: (starts handing book over, but it “slips” from his hand and goes over the cliff) Whoops, butterfingers.
Sam: Who has a Butterfinger?!
Chapter 24: “Courage is the Best Defense”
(Anyway, back in Osgiliath, the Witch King has taken up residence and has parked his Fell Beast on a heliport, facing out toward Minas Tirith.)
Witch King: The Landing Strip of Gondor. Soon, it will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. (pats Fell Beast lovingly and starts talking in lovey-dovey high pitched voice) No more scrapping your wing tips on take off, my sweet widdle precious snoochums.
Gothmog: Er, would you two like to be alone?
Witch King: Oh, like you don’t talk to your cat that way. Now, send in the orc dudes, rip that city to shreds, pulverize their pansy-waist keisters. Don’t let nothing get between you and my Landing Strip!
Gothmog: What about the Wiz Dude?
Witch King: Leave him to me. I’ll teach that old fart to show his pasty mug in my domain and for running up my tab all across Middle Earth! That’s right, the part of Norman Bates is all his! MUAHAHAHAHA!
(Cut to Minas Tirith. Gandalf pushes his way to front of crowd standing on wall.)
Random Gondorian Soldier #48: Hey, that’s my foot!
Gandalf: (ignoring him) Whatcha looking at?
Random Gondorian Soldier #57: Some majorly wicked mojo is brewin’ over by the river. We’re thinkin’ it’s a bad thing.
Gandalf: Wow, nothing gets by you, huh?
Random Gondorian Soldier #138: Where’s the Horse Dudes? Shouldn’t they be here already?
Gandalf: Doesn’t look like it. We’re hung out to dry in a rainstorm.
Random Gondorian Soldier #48: Huh?
Gandalf: We’re screwed big time. Get used to it.
Chapter 25: Peregrin of the Tower Guard
(Inside the Citadel, Pippin’s waiting to see the principal, er, the Steward, and he’s all dressed up in impressive-looking livery.)
Pippin: Well I’ve really put my foot in it this time, and considering how honking big my feet are, that’s quite the accomplishment. Now I gotta pledge to serve a psycho freakazoid ego maniac.
Faramir: Tell me about it. (walks over and looks at Pippin sympathetically) But with any luck, he’ll start picking on you and leave me alone.
Pippin: Gee, thanks, that’s so comforting. You should do that like professionally or something. Not.
Faramir: I wish I could say it’ll get better, but… He signed you up for the Tower Guard. Hate to say it little dude, but you’re gonna be his sock puppet.
Pippin: Sock puppet?
Faramir: Look, word of advice – and this is sage, which I don’t do very often, so pay attention – just do whatever he says, and you might actually survive the first day. If you can do that, he’ll slack off a bit. Cool threads by the way.
Pippin: Yeah, just my sucky luck, they actually found a uniform to fit me.
Faramir: It once belonged to this outrageously handsome, totally smart little bro. He was so smart, he never had to study and got to spend all day bribing candy from little old grannies. Good times.
Pippin: This was yours? No way! Like, why’d you kept it all these years? That’s kinda weird. And couldn’t you have been a little taller back then? It keeps riding up my crotch.
Faramir: Yeah, it never fit me either. I think Dad had them make it that way actually. Stupid puntz. You know whose stuff would fit you? Boromir’s. But Dad got all his stuff bronzed and hung it in the Borry Shrine.
Pippin: Your dad made a shrine to your dead brother? That’s kinda freaky. Don’t he got a life of his own?
Faramir: You would think so, huh? Dad’s all about Boromir, his frickin’ golden child. When really, if you think about it, he wasn’t all that. I’m way better than him with the ladies, and I can totally shoot my arrows straighter than he can, and I so wouldn’t have broken that horn. But noooo, Dad picks him as the fav, just cuz I took the blame for the botched cheesecake incident.
Pippin: Sucks to be you then, doesn’t it?
Faramir: You have no idea, but you’ll be finding out soon enough, won’t ya?
Chapter 26: Allegiance to Denethor
(Later on, Denethor decides to grace them with his presence and Pippin has to pledge his allegiance.)
Pippin: (kneeling, cuz he’s not short enough already) Friends, Gondorians, Free Dudes of Arda, I hereby swear to uphold the way righteous party town of Minas Tirith, in hangovers or streaking parties, in puking our guts out or hitting on the ugly chic cuz we’re too wasted to know better, from the opening of the pubs until the bartenders call closing time or we pass out in our beer nuts, amen.
Denethor: Now that’s a pledge, little bro. You said it all.
(Gets up and offers Pippin his ring, like he’s the pope or the godfather or something. Pippin manages to kiss it without hurling but then wipes his mouth when Denethor turns around to sit at his TABLE that was brought in from NOWHERE.)
Denethor: So, you’re in the “Circle of Trust” now, and here’s how the Circle works. You love me, I don’t kill you. You’re loyal to me, I don’t kill you. You’re brave and do me proud, I don’t kill you. You betray me or tick me off in anyway, you may as well fling yourself from the landing strip and get it over with, cuz once I get my hands on you, you’ll wish you were never born. Got it?
Pippin: (nods, petrified)
(Some servant bros bring Denethor food and he starts piling up his plate.)
Denethor: Good. (to Faramir) Now, my disinherited half-wit, what’s this I hear about you folding like a biddy baby just cuz a coupla orcs wanted to rumble? After all the sweat and tears your brother spilled into getting that city back, you let it go like a fart in the wind. What’s that about?
Faramir: Well, since I’m not allowed to think, All Knowing One, why don’t you tell me?
Denethor: Kay, then, I will! The river’s our last defense. It folds, we fold, so you’re gonna get it back. So there! Can you deal with that?!
Faramir: No way! That’s impossible. There’s like hundreds of thousands of orcs there! There’s Nazguls and Fell Beasts and Trolls!
Pippin: Oh my!
Faramir: Yeah! Like he said. I mean really, not even the Justice League could squash them now.
Denethor: Boromir would have done it. Boromir wouldn’t of let it get taken in the first place. Boromir was better than you.
Faramir: Oh just say it already – you wish I were dead and he wasn’t. Don’t ya? Don’t ya? Huh? You totally do!
Denethor: Yes I do.
Faramir: You know what – I hope you choke on a chicken bone. (turns and stalks away) I’ll go and pointlessly risk my life and the lives of dozens of innocent bros on a stupid mission that we can’t possibly succeed at and get them all killed while I somehow miraculously survive, just so you can think I’m dead and try to kill us both. Happy now?
Denethor: Ecstatic.
Pippin: (to himself) They’re both flipping lunatics! I’m sooo gonna hate this movie.
Continued in Part 8
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 6
Chapter 22 – The Wizard’s Pupil
(Cut to the Citadel. Faramir’s facing the Inquiry.)
Denethor: So, this is how you would serve your city? Leave her kneeling in the mud begging mercy?
Faramir: (shrugs) Yeah, ok.
Denethor: Just what exactly was going through that air filled noggin of yours? You show your loyalty by letting my Pretty go into Mordor with a dimwitted ankle biter?
Faramir: Well, actually, bringing the ring was Boromir’s gig, not mine. Remember, you didn’t trust me to do it, and I didn’t do it, so really, if you think about it, I’m way more loyal than Boromir cuz I do exactly what you expect. So there!
Denethor: Oh, stop brown nosing. And stop thinking – you’re not allowed! That’s what you got Madril for.
Faramir: Yeah, about him…
Denethor: Shut up! Who said you could talk? Did I say you could talk? It so wasn’t me. (waits to make sure Faramir isn’t going to say anything, then continues) You pulled a Brutus on your own city, letting the Pretty go, and that’s so not cool. Your brother never woulda done that. He woulda remembered how totally righteous I am and he woulda brought me the ring, for sure. And I woulda hidden it, yeah, somewhere only I know, so no one else could get their unworthy grimy paws all over it, and I totally only woulda used it when it was absolutely crucial, or whenever I can’t find the TV remote. I mean really, what do I look like – crazy?
Faramir: (says nothing)
Denethor: Well, aren’t ya gonna say nothing?
Faramir: I just did say nothing. (notices Denethor’s glare) I mean – whatever! Boromir was gonna bring you the ring? Yeah right! As if! You’re living in a dream sequence if you think that’s gonna happen. No, man, he woulda took it for his own, and by the time he got back here, he’d be so power-trippin’ you wouldn’t even recognize him.
Denethor: Boromir was loyal to me!
Faramir: He was a butt monkey! Yeah, that’s right! I said it! A butt monkey! If you knew half the things he did when you weren’t around…
Denethor: Shut up! Boromir was MY son. He didn’t go ‘round kissing up to that staunchy old wiz dude. I didn’t spend all that money training you for slaughterage so you could have some crackpot old fool teach you magic tricks!
Faramir: You know magic? (notices Denethor’s deadly glare) Oh! You were talkin’ ‘bout Gandalf, my bad.
Denethor: (jumping up out of chair) Man, you diss me one more time, I’ll smack you up! (trips over robe and falls over backward into chair)
Faramir: Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.
(Denethor looks up and is about to say something nasty, when he suddenly sees Boromir’s ghost standing behind Faramir. Denethor goes all doe-eyed as Boromir sneaks up behind Faramir and makes rabbit ears.)
Denethor: My son!
Faramir: Who? Me?
(Ghost fades and Denethor sneers at Faramir for no good reason.)
Denethor: Get outta my face!
Chapter 23: The Stairs of Cirith Ungol
(Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are STILL climbing, with Gollum in the lead, and he’s not even the least bit tired, which is kinda shifty if you ask me. Anyway, he reaches an outcrop just as Frodo slips.)
States-the-Obvious Gollum: Careful, Master Dude. Really long way to fall.
Frodo: Gee, ya think? I’m so glad you’re here to tell me these things.
(Just then, the Ring pops out of Frodo’s shirt as he struggles to get onto the landing and it taunts Gollum.)
Ring: You want to hooooold me, you want to claaaaaiiiiim me, you want to weeeeeaaaar me!
Hannibal Gollum: (licks lips)
Smeagol: Come Master Dude. Come here Master. Good Master Dude.
Frodo: Dude, shut up and help me already, geez.
(Frodo struggles for several seconds but Gollum waits until Sam is in view to get the wrong idea.)
Sam: You even try anything sneaky –
Gollum: Kay! (finally grabs Frodo and helps him up)
Hood Gollum: See, man, that’s what I’m talking about. He gives me lip and all I be trying to do is help. It’s like a brother can’t get ahead you know? But I do know. What you got around you neck, that has got to be the biggest bling you can get your freak on with, and it drains you man. Sancho, he just don’t understand that. That’s why I got your back. Me, not him, ya feel me?
Dude Gollum: Cuz you know what, bro, he totally wants it for himself. I see him ogling it all the time, drooling even. It’s way gross.
Frodo: Get over yourself.
Dude Gollum: No, for real. He’s getting twitchy like, and soon, he’s gonna try to lift it from you.
Frodo: He so would never do that!
Hippy Gollum: But he would, man! He’s blinded you to the truth! He’s playing up the white hat gig but he’s coming for it man, and we got proof.
Frodo: Proof? Yeah right.
Hippy Gollum: Think about it man, there’s a reason he doesn’t want to go by the script no more. (Pulls out tattered copy of LOTR book, flips to a page near the back) See here man. He asks for it – right there! (turns to another page) And there! (turns to another page) And see there – he’s got it man! He melted your brain and took the Pretty for his own!
Frodo: That butt wipe! (looks back at Sam, who’s struggling up the wall, and gives him evil eye. Then he realizes something and turns back to Gollum) Wait a sec, did you flip forward to where he had the ring from when he was asking for it?
Gollum: No.
Frodo: You did too.
Gollum: No I didn’t.
Frodo: Did too. Why would he ask for the ring after he has it? Let me see that.
Gollum: (starts handing book over, but it “slips” from his hand and goes over the cliff) Whoops, butterfingers.
Sam: Who has a Butterfinger?!
Chapter 24: “Courage is the Best Defense”
(Anyway, back in Osgiliath, the Witch King has taken up residence and has parked his Fell Beast on a heliport, facing out toward Minas Tirith.)
Witch King: The Landing Strip of Gondor. Soon, it will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. (pats Fell Beast lovingly and starts talking in lovey-dovey high pitched voice) No more scrapping your wing tips on take off, my sweet widdle precious snoochums.
Gothmog: Er, would you two like to be alone?
Witch King: Oh, like you don’t talk to your cat that way. Now, send in the orc dudes, rip that city to shreds, pulverize their pansy-waist keisters. Don’t let nothing get between you and my Landing Strip!
Gothmog: What about the Wiz Dude?
Witch King: Leave him to me. I’ll teach that old fart to show his pasty mug in my domain and for running up my tab all across Middle Earth! That’s right, the part of Norman Bates is all his! MUAHAHAHAHA!
(Cut to Minas Tirith. Gandalf pushes his way to front of crowd standing on wall.)
Random Gondorian Soldier #48: Hey, that’s my foot!
Gandalf: (ignoring him) Whatcha looking at?
Random Gondorian Soldier #57: Some majorly wicked mojo is brewin’ over by the river. We’re thinkin’ it’s a bad thing.
Gandalf: Wow, nothing gets by you, huh?
Random Gondorian Soldier #138: Where’s the Horse Dudes? Shouldn’t they be here already?
Gandalf: Doesn’t look like it. We’re hung out to dry in a rainstorm.
Random Gondorian Soldier #48: Huh?
Gandalf: We’re screwed big time. Get used to it.
Chapter 25: Peregrin of the Tower Guard
(Inside the Citadel, Pippin’s waiting to see the principal, er, the Steward, and he’s all dressed up in impressive-looking livery.)
Pippin: Well I’ve really put my foot in it this time, and considering how honking big my feet are, that’s quite the accomplishment. Now I gotta pledge to serve a psycho freakazoid ego maniac.
Faramir: Tell me about it. (walks over and looks at Pippin sympathetically) But with any luck, he’ll start picking on you and leave me alone.
Pippin: Gee, thanks, that’s so comforting. You should do that like professionally or something. Not.
Faramir: I wish I could say it’ll get better, but… He signed you up for the Tower Guard. Hate to say it little dude, but you’re gonna be his sock puppet.
Pippin: Sock puppet?
Faramir: Look, word of advice – and this is sage, which I don’t do very often, so pay attention – just do whatever he says, and you might actually survive the first day. If you can do that, he’ll slack off a bit. Cool threads by the way.
Pippin: Yeah, just my sucky luck, they actually found a uniform to fit me.
Faramir: It once belonged to this outrageously handsome, totally smart little bro. He was so smart, he never had to study and got to spend all day bribing candy from little old grannies. Good times.
Pippin: This was yours? No way! Like, why’d you kept it all these years? That’s kinda weird. And couldn’t you have been a little taller back then? It keeps riding up my crotch.
Faramir: Yeah, it never fit me either. I think Dad had them make it that way actually. Stupid puntz. You know whose stuff would fit you? Boromir’s. But Dad got all his stuff bronzed and hung it in the Borry Shrine.
Pippin: Your dad made a shrine to your dead brother? That’s kinda freaky. Don’t he got a life of his own?
Faramir: You would think so, huh? Dad’s all about Boromir, his frickin’ golden child. When really, if you think about it, he wasn’t all that. I’m way better than him with the ladies, and I can totally shoot my arrows straighter than he can, and I so wouldn’t have broken that horn. But noooo, Dad picks him as the fav, just cuz I took the blame for the botched cheesecake incident.
Pippin: Sucks to be you then, doesn’t it?
Faramir: You have no idea, but you’ll be finding out soon enough, won’t ya?
Chapter 26: Allegiance to Denethor
(Later on, Denethor decides to grace them with his presence and Pippin has to pledge his allegiance.)
Pippin: (kneeling, cuz he’s not short enough already) Friends, Gondorians, Free Dudes of Arda, I hereby swear to uphold the way righteous party town of Minas Tirith, in hangovers or streaking parties, in puking our guts out or hitting on the ugly chic cuz we’re too wasted to know better, from the opening of the pubs until the bartenders call closing time or we pass out in our beer nuts, amen.
Denethor: Now that’s a pledge, little bro. You said it all.
(Gets up and offers Pippin his ring, like he’s the pope or the godfather or something. Pippin manages to kiss it without hurling but then wipes his mouth when Denethor turns around to sit at his TABLE that was brought in from NOWHERE.)
Denethor: So, you’re in the “Circle of Trust” now, and here’s how the Circle works. You love me, I don’t kill you. You’re loyal to me, I don’t kill you. You’re brave and do me proud, I don’t kill you. You betray me or tick me off in anyway, you may as well fling yourself from the landing strip and get it over with, cuz once I get my hands on you, you’ll wish you were never born. Got it?
Pippin: (nods, petrified)
(Some servant bros bring Denethor food and he starts piling up his plate.)
Denethor: Good. (to Faramir) Now, my disinherited half-wit, what’s this I hear about you folding like a biddy baby just cuz a coupla orcs wanted to rumble? After all the sweat and tears your brother spilled into getting that city back, you let it go like a fart in the wind. What’s that about?
Faramir: Well, since I’m not allowed to think, All Knowing One, why don’t you tell me?
Denethor: Kay, then, I will! The river’s our last defense. It folds, we fold, so you’re gonna get it back. So there! Can you deal with that?!
Faramir: No way! That’s impossible. There’s like hundreds of thousands of orcs there! There’s Nazguls and Fell Beasts and Trolls!
Pippin: Oh my!
Faramir: Yeah! Like he said. I mean really, not even the Justice League could squash them now.
Denethor: Boromir would have done it. Boromir wouldn’t of let it get taken in the first place. Boromir was better than you.
Faramir: Oh just say it already – you wish I were dead and he wasn’t. Don’t ya? Don’t ya? Huh? You totally do!
Denethor: Yes I do.
Faramir: You know what – I hope you choke on a chicken bone. (turns and stalks away) I’ll go and pointlessly risk my life and the lives of dozens of innocent bros on a stupid mission that we can’t possibly succeed at and get them all killed while I somehow miraculously survive, just so you can think I’m dead and try to kill us both. Happy now?
Denethor: Ecstatic.
Pippin: (to himself) They’re both flipping lunatics! I’m sooo gonna hate this movie.
Continued in Part 8
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