Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 5
Chapter 18: Osgiliath Invaded
(That night in Osgiliath. Bunch of Random Gondorian Soldiers chilling out, chowing down and generally showing no preparation for impending battle, except for one dude who’s lazily sharpening his sword. Faramir runs up to Madril, who’s staring out into the foggy night as if he can actually see anything.)
Madril: It’s like the grave out there, Captain Dude. Or like a silent movie. Oh, I know! It’s like a silent movie about the grave, yeah! For sure, bro, no creature stirring out there, not even a mouse.
Faramir: Yeah, and?
Madril: It means, the orcs are on the down low. They probly even skid-addled. But it’s all good. We got scouts in Cair Andros and they’ll give us the heads up if they come from the north.
Faramir: What about south?
Madril: What about it? Dude, the enemy’s not gonna be smart enough to come from a direction we’re not guarding – hello!
(Cut to the south. Enemy’s rowing up on boats and a jacked-up looking orc lieutenant, otherwise known as Gothmog, tells them to be quiet, even though none of them are saying anything. Apparently, he thinks noise travels faster and farther than light, as he doesn’t tell anyone to put out their tiki torches. Surprisingly, they get spotted by the only astute guard, so to prevent him from alerting everyone, they shoot him and he falls over backward dead – alerting everyone.)
Orcs: Whoops.
Guards: What the frick?
Faramir: They’re not coming from the north. Those sneaks! Since when did they grow brains?
Gothmog: Row faster.
(Orcs speed up while soldiers make their way to the river and hide out. Orcs land in the city and start running for it, not even realizing they’re passing up the Gondorians. Gee, guess that hiding behind trees and walls and stuff really does work with these bros. Anyway, when enough of the orcs have already entered the city, the soldiers jump out from “hiding” and all hell breaks loose.)
Chapter 19: The Lighting of the Beacons
(Cut to next morning, again in Gondor. Pippin is STILL climbing up the tower wall.)
Pippin: Man, that’s the last time I drink and gamble. Good thing I took that rock climbing class. (starts singing)
Spiderman, Spiderman Friendly neighborhood, Spiderman Wealth and fame, he ignores Action is his reward Look out, here comes the Spiderman
Peter Parker, eat your heart out.
(Gets to top of tower and somehow manages to fumble around, break the rope to the oil drum which was conveniently enough just about to snap, and grab lantern to light the beacon – WITHOUT BEING SEEN! Good to know that the Bad Dudes aren’t the only ones who are blind.)
Pippin: (singing)
You know that it would be untrue You know that I would be a liar If I was to say to you Girl, we couldn't get much higher Come on baby, light my –
Ow! My feet are on fire! Hot! It’s hot! (jumps down from beacon and stamps out his feet, then realizes he has to climb back DOWN the wall.) Ah, man! This gig sucks!
(Starts climbing down and beacon guards FINALLY notice that the beacon is lit.)
Beacon Guard #1: Um, where we sposed to do that?
Beacon Guard #2: I’m pretty sure not.
Beacon Guard #1: Dude, we’re screwed. … We should get splitville.
Beacon Guard #2: Yay, let’s scram.
(They take off. Down on the street, Gandalf is STILL standing right where he was the day before, and no one seems to find this shifty. He sees the beacon on fire and runs out to the wall guards.)
Gandalf: See! Told ya he’d do it! Pay up, suckas!
(Guards pay up, then one of them points to the east.)
Guard: Look it! The beacon of Amon Din is lit!
Gandalf: Whoops. … Uh, I mean, yeah… I meant to do that. Totally. All part of the plan.
(From some undisclosed location nearby, Denethor sees all this and he is NOT a happy camper.)
(Cut to impressive travel shots of beacons being lit all across Gondor and Rohan, all day and night and into the next day. Audience feels sorry for poor saps stuck on top of freezing cold mountains, until they realize they’re just lighting the beacons to keep themselves warm. I mean, really, how else could the dudes way above the clouds have any clue what’s going on?)
Ch. 20 – Théoden’s Decision
(Beacon signal finally reaches Edoras and Aragorn just happens to be outside to see it. He jumps up and runs into the Golden Hall, interrupting some big pow wow of Théoden’s.)
Aragorn: The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid! Can we go save my city now? Huh, huh? Can we? Huh?
Théoden: Yeah, whatever.
Aragorn: Woohoo! You so rule, Théoden Dude!
Théoden: I know. … I mean, Éomer, muster up the Rohirrim.
Éomer: You got it Dude!
(Cut to outside. Everyone’s running around, getting ready to ride out and Théoden’s tossing orders around left and right.)
Théoden: (to Éomer) Gather as many bros as you can to Dunharrow. Tell em it’s wet t-shirt night, or free water cooler day, or something. Just get em there. You got two days. On the third, we ride for Gondor and war.
Éomer: You want me to tell them that too?
Théoden: No way, are you mental? Get outta here. (Éomer leaves) Gamling – assemble all bros to…
Gamling: Dunharrow. Yeah, I heard you the first time.
Théoden: Don’t get smart with me, man.
(Cut to stables, where Éowyn’s readying her own horse, conveniently next to Aragorn.)
Aragorn: You going too?
Éowyn: Totally, Ranger Dude. Who’s gonna entertain the bros if I don’t?
Aragorn: Entertain? You’re the one-woman USO now? (lifts riding blanket and sees sword) Gonna put on more music videos with that?
Éowyn: (hiding sword) Wouldn’t you like to know? But seriously, the bros have found inspiration in you bro. They look up to you, they LOVE you man! … Them, not me. I am in no way talking about myself AT ALL.
Aragorn: Kay, then. See ya.
(Éowyn walks off. Cut back to Théoden standing around doing nothing. Merry comes up from behind him.)
Merry: ‘Cuse me, Dude. I have a sword. It’s from Ranger Dude. He gave all us little dudes swords, though I have no frickin clue where he found em. Huh, now that I think of it, where DID he get these? (stares off into space, then shakes his head) Oh well, it’s a magic sword – I think. Or it’s sposed to be, but I’m not sure, it’s probly fake. (gets upset) Yeah, that’s right, he totally gave us bogus swords! Pug face.
Théoden: Is there a point to this ramble?
Merry: Yeah, they won’t cut the scene short if you still got lines to deliver and I need all the screen time I can get.
Théoden: Whatever little dude. Just pledge your allegiance already and let’s get this over with.
Merry: Kay. (gets down on one knee and presents sword) I pledge allegiance, to the Dude, of the way awesome realm of Rohan, and to the pretty horses for which it stands, one –
Théoden: I accept.
Merry: But I wasn’t finished.
Théoden: Yeah you were.
(Cut to Legolas and Gimli, who are once again doomed to ride cross-country on the same horse. Legolas doesn’t look very pleased with it.)
Gimli: You know what? If there were dwarves here, we’d mud wrestle. Now that’s hard core! We’d go all WWF on the Dark Dude’s keister!
Legolas: Well thank Eru it’s just you then, cuz bearded, smelly dwarf women covered in mud is soooo not appealing.
Gimli: Hey, bro, talk for yourself. Smelly is the dwarf way of life. If it doesn’t smell, it’s probly dead.
Legolas: So then die already. Or at least put on deodorant. I mean come on! Heightened Elven senses here! Your raunchiness is just intolerable at this point.
Gimli: Really? … Go me!
Legolas: That’s it. I’m getting nose plugs.
(Cut to shot of Random Rohirrim Riders riding to the assembly line. Shot of Merry, who can’t get his pony into gear and constantly stalls. Cut to Théoden, looking all reflective.)
Théoden: (in voice over) Let’s see, I turned off the stove – check. Fed the cat – check. Had the cable and phone disconnected – check. Forged Aragorn’s will and testament signing lordship of Gondor over to me – check. Tied my shoes – check. (looks at shoes) Oh no! They’re double knotted! That’s totally bad mojo! Darn it all to heck!
(Cut to Éomer, rallying the troops.)
Éomer: Dudes of Rohan, oaths you have taken, now fulfill them all! To scantily clad surfer babes and a chance to win your very own hog!
Théoden: What?!
Éomer: Hey, you said tell em anything.
Théoden: We’re not giving away any Harleys.
Éomer: I know. Some dude wanted a pig.
Théoden: Why?
Éomer: You know what, I really didn’t wanna ask.
(A ridiculous number of Random Rohirrim Riders ride out of Edoras, much more than could ever possibly fit inside it, and Merry finally gets his pony into gear.)
Chapter 21: The Fall of Osgiliath
(Meanwhile, back in Osgiliath, the Gondorians are getting pulverized, and it is NOT pretty. Faramir nearly gets skewered by his own archers, but conveniently ducks out of the way just in time.)
Madril: This is madness bro. This city is lost.
Faramir: It’s not lost. It’s right here.
Madril: Dude, we’re losing – hello! We gotta split, for sure.
Faramir: OH! Ok, I gotcha. Right man, tell all the bros to haul butt to Minas Tirith, pronto like.
Madril: Sure thing, man.
(More massive slaughterage, followed by nails-on-chalkboard-stuck-pig-someone-stepping-on-a-cat’s-tail sound effect.)
Random Gondorian Soldier: Nazgul!
Faramir: Ah, man, again?! Why can’t they go deafen someone else already?
Random Gondorian Soldier: What?
Faramir: I SAID… Fall back! Retreat! Tuck your tail between your legs and run, biatch, RUN!!
(They jump onto their horses cowboy-style and ride away like sissy girls while Nazgul continue to swoop menacingly overhead and Gothmog skewers Madril in the gut – ouch!)
Gothmog: Who’s the Big Bad now? Huh? Who is?
Orc # 137,875: Uh, I don’t know. Who is it?
Gothmog: Man, shut up fool!
(Cut to Random Gondorian Soldiers hauling butt across Pelennor Fields. Nazgul are going bowling with the soldiers and scoring strikes with every pass. But just then, Gandalf rides up outta nowhere and a LIGHT shoots out of his STAFF and this is conveniently enough to scare the Nazgul away. Everyone rides into Minas Tirith – the door opening just in time to prevent the lead horse from running right into it – and everyone rallies around the courtyard, looking exhausted.)
Faramir: Awesome lightshow bro! That’s one handy staff you got there.
Gandalf: Not really, it’s only good for one go and then the light bulb breaks. That’s what you get for shopping at the 99-cent store. So, what’s the what?
Faramir: Well, the enemy came outta nowhere and totally swept us over. They didn’t even say please. I feel so violated, and – did you say you got that at the 99-cent store?
Gandalf: Yeah, good deal, huh? They got one just outside Lothlorien and it’s got all kinds of good stuff.
Faramir: Kewl! Um, so anyway, they nicked the east bank and the river and the city and just about everything else you could possibly NOT want them to take, they got it. So rude.
Random Gondorian Soldier: This is just what Denethor said would happen. He must have like ESPN or something.
Gandalf: All talk and no play, and… Wait, let me get this stupid horse turned around first, will ya? My neck’s getting a crick.
(Gandalf turns around and for some odd reason, he has Pippin with him.)
Random Gondorian Soldier: Dude! You gotta little dude growing out your horse! Now that’s just weird.
Pippin: Are you for real?
Faramir: Oh no, not another one!
Gandalf: What’d ya mean? You’ve seen other little dudes like this?
Faramir: Unfortunately, yay.
Pippin: Frodo and Sam? They’re alive! ALIVE!!!
Faramir: You’re not gonna threaten me too are you?
Pippin: That depends. You got any food?
Gandalf: Wait a minute, bros, hold the phone. When did you see Frodo? Where?
Faramir: In Ithilien, a coupla days ago, and boy, was that body guard one fierce little dude. And I got some serious badness for you Old Wiz Dude. They’ve taken the path to the Evil Emerald City.
Gandalf: And then to Cirith Ungol? Oh, that’s not good. Come on bro, let’s chow down and you can fill me in on the 411.
Continued in Part 7
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 5
Chapter 18: Osgiliath Invaded
(That night in Osgiliath. Bunch of Random Gondorian Soldiers chilling out, chowing down and generally showing no preparation for impending battle, except for one dude who’s lazily sharpening his sword. Faramir runs up to Madril, who’s staring out into the foggy night as if he can actually see anything.)
Madril: It’s like the grave out there, Captain Dude. Or like a silent movie. Oh, I know! It’s like a silent movie about the grave, yeah! For sure, bro, no creature stirring out there, not even a mouse.
Faramir: Yeah, and?
Madril: It means, the orcs are on the down low. They probly even skid-addled. But it’s all good. We got scouts in Cair Andros and they’ll give us the heads up if they come from the north.
Faramir: What about south?
Madril: What about it? Dude, the enemy’s not gonna be smart enough to come from a direction we’re not guarding – hello!
(Cut to the south. Enemy’s rowing up on boats and a jacked-up looking orc lieutenant, otherwise known as Gothmog, tells them to be quiet, even though none of them are saying anything. Apparently, he thinks noise travels faster and farther than light, as he doesn’t tell anyone to put out their tiki torches. Surprisingly, they get spotted by the only astute guard, so to prevent him from alerting everyone, they shoot him and he falls over backward dead – alerting everyone.)
Orcs: Whoops.
Guards: What the frick?
Faramir: They’re not coming from the north. Those sneaks! Since when did they grow brains?
Gothmog: Row faster.
(Orcs speed up while soldiers make their way to the river and hide out. Orcs land in the city and start running for it, not even realizing they’re passing up the Gondorians. Gee, guess that hiding behind trees and walls and stuff really does work with these bros. Anyway, when enough of the orcs have already entered the city, the soldiers jump out from “hiding” and all hell breaks loose.)
Chapter 19: The Lighting of the Beacons
(Cut to next morning, again in Gondor. Pippin is STILL climbing up the tower wall.)
Pippin: Man, that’s the last time I drink and gamble. Good thing I took that rock climbing class. (starts singing)
Spiderman, Spiderman Friendly neighborhood, Spiderman Wealth and fame, he ignores Action is his reward Look out, here comes the Spiderman
Peter Parker, eat your heart out.
(Gets to top of tower and somehow manages to fumble around, break the rope to the oil drum which was conveniently enough just about to snap, and grab lantern to light the beacon – WITHOUT BEING SEEN! Good to know that the Bad Dudes aren’t the only ones who are blind.)
Pippin: (singing)
You know that it would be untrue You know that I would be a liar If I was to say to you Girl, we couldn't get much higher Come on baby, light my –
Ow! My feet are on fire! Hot! It’s hot! (jumps down from beacon and stamps out his feet, then realizes he has to climb back DOWN the wall.) Ah, man! This gig sucks!
(Starts climbing down and beacon guards FINALLY notice that the beacon is lit.)
Beacon Guard #1: Um, where we sposed to do that?
Beacon Guard #2: I’m pretty sure not.
Beacon Guard #1: Dude, we’re screwed. … We should get splitville.
Beacon Guard #2: Yay, let’s scram.
(They take off. Down on the street, Gandalf is STILL standing right where he was the day before, and no one seems to find this shifty. He sees the beacon on fire and runs out to the wall guards.)
Gandalf: See! Told ya he’d do it! Pay up, suckas!
(Guards pay up, then one of them points to the east.)
Guard: Look it! The beacon of Amon Din is lit!
Gandalf: Whoops. … Uh, I mean, yeah… I meant to do that. Totally. All part of the plan.
(From some undisclosed location nearby, Denethor sees all this and he is NOT a happy camper.)
(Cut to impressive travel shots of beacons being lit all across Gondor and Rohan, all day and night and into the next day. Audience feels sorry for poor saps stuck on top of freezing cold mountains, until they realize they’re just lighting the beacons to keep themselves warm. I mean, really, how else could the dudes way above the clouds have any clue what’s going on?)
Ch. 20 – Théoden’s Decision
(Beacon signal finally reaches Edoras and Aragorn just happens to be outside to see it. He jumps up and runs into the Golden Hall, interrupting some big pow wow of Théoden’s.)
Aragorn: The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid! Can we go save my city now? Huh, huh? Can we? Huh?
Théoden: Yeah, whatever.
Aragorn: Woohoo! You so rule, Théoden Dude!
Théoden: I know. … I mean, Éomer, muster up the Rohirrim.
Éomer: You got it Dude!
(Cut to outside. Everyone’s running around, getting ready to ride out and Théoden’s tossing orders around left and right.)
Théoden: (to Éomer) Gather as many bros as you can to Dunharrow. Tell em it’s wet t-shirt night, or free water cooler day, or something. Just get em there. You got two days. On the third, we ride for Gondor and war.
Éomer: You want me to tell them that too?
Théoden: No way, are you mental? Get outta here. (Éomer leaves) Gamling – assemble all bros to…
Gamling: Dunharrow. Yeah, I heard you the first time.
Théoden: Don’t get smart with me, man.
(Cut to stables, where Éowyn’s readying her own horse, conveniently next to Aragorn.)
Aragorn: You going too?
Éowyn: Totally, Ranger Dude. Who’s gonna entertain the bros if I don’t?
Aragorn: Entertain? You’re the one-woman USO now? (lifts riding blanket and sees sword) Gonna put on more music videos with that?
Éowyn: (hiding sword) Wouldn’t you like to know? But seriously, the bros have found inspiration in you bro. They look up to you, they LOVE you man! … Them, not me. I am in no way talking about myself AT ALL.
Aragorn: Kay, then. See ya.
(Éowyn walks off. Cut back to Théoden standing around doing nothing. Merry comes up from behind him.)
Merry: ‘Cuse me, Dude. I have a sword. It’s from Ranger Dude. He gave all us little dudes swords, though I have no frickin clue where he found em. Huh, now that I think of it, where DID he get these? (stares off into space, then shakes his head) Oh well, it’s a magic sword – I think. Or it’s sposed to be, but I’m not sure, it’s probly fake. (gets upset) Yeah, that’s right, he totally gave us bogus swords! Pug face.
Théoden: Is there a point to this ramble?
Merry: Yeah, they won’t cut the scene short if you still got lines to deliver and I need all the screen time I can get.
Théoden: Whatever little dude. Just pledge your allegiance already and let’s get this over with.
Merry: Kay. (gets down on one knee and presents sword) I pledge allegiance, to the Dude, of the way awesome realm of Rohan, and to the pretty horses for which it stands, one –
Théoden: I accept.
Merry: But I wasn’t finished.
Théoden: Yeah you were.
(Cut to Legolas and Gimli, who are once again doomed to ride cross-country on the same horse. Legolas doesn’t look very pleased with it.)
Gimli: You know what? If there were dwarves here, we’d mud wrestle. Now that’s hard core! We’d go all WWF on the Dark Dude’s keister!
Legolas: Well thank Eru it’s just you then, cuz bearded, smelly dwarf women covered in mud is soooo not appealing.
Gimli: Hey, bro, talk for yourself. Smelly is the dwarf way of life. If it doesn’t smell, it’s probly dead.
Legolas: So then die already. Or at least put on deodorant. I mean come on! Heightened Elven senses here! Your raunchiness is just intolerable at this point.
Gimli: Really? … Go me!
Legolas: That’s it. I’m getting nose plugs.
(Cut to shot of Random Rohirrim Riders riding to the assembly line. Shot of Merry, who can’t get his pony into gear and constantly stalls. Cut to Théoden, looking all reflective.)
Théoden: (in voice over) Let’s see, I turned off the stove – check. Fed the cat – check. Had the cable and phone disconnected – check. Forged Aragorn’s will and testament signing lordship of Gondor over to me – check. Tied my shoes – check. (looks at shoes) Oh no! They’re double knotted! That’s totally bad mojo! Darn it all to heck!
(Cut to Éomer, rallying the troops.)
Éomer: Dudes of Rohan, oaths you have taken, now fulfill them all! To scantily clad surfer babes and a chance to win your very own hog!
Théoden: What?!
Éomer: Hey, you said tell em anything.
Théoden: We’re not giving away any Harleys.
Éomer: I know. Some dude wanted a pig.
Théoden: Why?
Éomer: You know what, I really didn’t wanna ask.
(A ridiculous number of Random Rohirrim Riders ride out of Edoras, much more than could ever possibly fit inside it, and Merry finally gets his pony into gear.)
Chapter 21: The Fall of Osgiliath
(Meanwhile, back in Osgiliath, the Gondorians are getting pulverized, and it is NOT pretty. Faramir nearly gets skewered by his own archers, but conveniently ducks out of the way just in time.)
Madril: This is madness bro. This city is lost.
Faramir: It’s not lost. It’s right here.
Madril: Dude, we’re losing – hello! We gotta split, for sure.
Faramir: OH! Ok, I gotcha. Right man, tell all the bros to haul butt to Minas Tirith, pronto like.
Madril: Sure thing, man.
(More massive slaughterage, followed by nails-on-chalkboard-stuck-pig-someone-stepping-on-a-cat’s-tail sound effect.)
Random Gondorian Soldier: Nazgul!
Faramir: Ah, man, again?! Why can’t they go deafen someone else already?
Random Gondorian Soldier: What?
Faramir: I SAID… Fall back! Retreat! Tuck your tail between your legs and run, biatch, RUN!!
(They jump onto their horses cowboy-style and ride away like sissy girls while Nazgul continue to swoop menacingly overhead and Gothmog skewers Madril in the gut – ouch!)
Gothmog: Who’s the Big Bad now? Huh? Who is?
Orc # 137,875: Uh, I don’t know. Who is it?
Gothmog: Man, shut up fool!
(Cut to Random Gondorian Soldiers hauling butt across Pelennor Fields. Nazgul are going bowling with the soldiers and scoring strikes with every pass. But just then, Gandalf rides up outta nowhere and a LIGHT shoots out of his STAFF and this is conveniently enough to scare the Nazgul away. Everyone rides into Minas Tirith – the door opening just in time to prevent the lead horse from running right into it – and everyone rallies around the courtyard, looking exhausted.)
Faramir: Awesome lightshow bro! That’s one handy staff you got there.
Gandalf: Not really, it’s only good for one go and then the light bulb breaks. That’s what you get for shopping at the 99-cent store. So, what’s the what?
Faramir: Well, the enemy came outta nowhere and totally swept us over. They didn’t even say please. I feel so violated, and – did you say you got that at the 99-cent store?
Gandalf: Yeah, good deal, huh? They got one just outside Lothlorien and it’s got all kinds of good stuff.
Faramir: Kewl! Um, so anyway, they nicked the east bank and the river and the city and just about everything else you could possibly NOT want them to take, they got it. So rude.
Random Gondorian Soldier: This is just what Denethor said would happen. He must have like ESPN or something.
Gandalf: All talk and no play, and… Wait, let me get this stupid horse turned around first, will ya? My neck’s getting a crick.
(Gandalf turns around and for some odd reason, he has Pippin with him.)
Random Gondorian Soldier: Dude! You gotta little dude growing out your horse! Now that’s just weird.
Pippin: Are you for real?
Faramir: Oh no, not another one!
Gandalf: What’d ya mean? You’ve seen other little dudes like this?
Faramir: Unfortunately, yay.
Pippin: Frodo and Sam? They’re alive! ALIVE!!!
Faramir: You’re not gonna threaten me too are you?
Pippin: That depends. You got any food?
Gandalf: Wait a minute, bros, hold the phone. When did you see Frodo? Where?
Faramir: In Ithilien, a coupla days ago, and boy, was that body guard one fierce little dude. And I got some serious badness for you Old Wiz Dude. They’ve taken the path to the Evil Emerald City.
Gandalf: And then to Cirith Ungol? Oh, that’s not good. Come on bro, let’s chow down and you can fill me in on the 411.
Continued in Part 7
