Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 07:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 3
Chapter 9: Arwen’s Vision
Elrond: (in voice over) Take her by the safest and quickest road.
(Arwen and company are traveling through the woods. Arwen’s spaced out and so doesn’t think to alarm anyone when a little kid goes running by. Good thing, too, cuz she starts seeing other things, like a room and a really, really old, washed out version of Aragorn. The little boy and really old Aragorn have sweet father-son mushy moment. Arwen sees the Evenstar pendant around the boy’s neck and starts to swoon.)
Arwen: Ah, it’s my son!
Boy: Hey, lady! Whatcha looking at? Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
Arwen: (all offended) So rude!
Boy: (sticks out tongue)
Woman: (out of view) Manners mister!
Boy: Sorry mama.
(Woman comes into view. It’s Éowyn. She goes over to Aragorn and they snog.)
Arwen: (majorly ticked) WHAT?!?!?! Oh, no he didn’t!
(Vision is interrupted by Figwit, the most gorgeous Elf to ever live! Eat that Legolas!)
Figwit: Dudette? You alright girl? You’re looking kinda spazzed.
Arwen: I AM SOOO GONNA KICK HIS KEISTER!!!
(She turns around and rides away)
Figwit: Ah, come on! You’re totally cutting short my screen time! You’re just jealous cuz I’m prettier than you!
(Wide shot of Arwen riding up to Rivendell. Cut to Arwen tossing off her cloak as she runs up to Elrond.)
Elrond: Hey, missy, don’t throw your things on the floor. And what the frick are you doing here?!
Arwen: (ticked as hell) That’s my son! MINE! No one else’s! And that’s MY boyfriend! Aragorn’s sposed to pine away the rest of his life thinking about me, not go boinking that skinny blonde bimbo!
Elrond: Um, whatcha talking about?
Arwen: Oh, don’t act like you didn’t see. You so did, and you let me go anyway! … Well, if I can’t have him, no one can!
Elrond: Arwen, sweety, you’re going to the scary place.
Chapter 10: The Reforging of Narsil
(Shot of Arwen in stealthy cat burglar robe walking up to the shards of Narsil.)
Arwen: He thinks he’s gonna cheat on me? Oh HELL no, I don’t think so! All’s fair in love and war and this is so totally war, biatch!
(Cut to Arwen’s room. She’s mumbling incoherently and stuffing Narsil bits into a bag.)
Elrond: Dudette, you gotta chill, girl. I don’t know what you saw, but it was way bogus. Aragorn’s not gonna go snogging some blonde bimbo, kay.
Arwen: Oh yeah? Well, look at this.
(Turns on TV and VCR, hits play. Video feed from the hidden camera placed on Aragorn starts playing everything that happened since Arwen left for the Grey Havens: Éowyn hugging Aragorn after battle at Helm’s Deep, Éowyn’s music video, Aragorn trying to cop a feel, Éowyn’s hand play.)
Arwen: See that?! Well, she likes swords so freakin’ much, I’ll give her one!
Elrond: Sweety, don’t make me do this.
Arwen: Do what, Daddy?
(Elves come up behind her and jump her. She puts up a good fight, but ultimately loses when one of them clocks her over the head.)
Elrond: Hey!
Elf #2: What? It’s not like I wanted to, geez, but she was getting those nails ready to do damage and I got a date tonight.
Elrond: Whatever, dude. Look, we gotta get this sword outta here, like pronto. Go reforge it and ready my jet.
Elves: Kay.
Elf #1: Wait. What about her? (points to Arwen knocked out on floor)
Elrond: Hopefully, she won’t remember anything when she comes to.
Elf #2: You want us to send her to the Grey Havens again?
Elrond: No! Who knows what she’d see next. Just… put her somewhere.
(Elves place Arwen on a bed outside under a tree, then take Narsil bits and reforge them in super dramatic slow mo.)
Chapter 11: Minas Tirith
(Cut to Gandalf riding Shadowfax’s keister off, with Pippin in tow. Many pretty travel shots later, they get to Minas Tirith and Gandalf nearly runs everyone over as he races up the 7 levels to the Citadel.)
Gandalf: (honking rubber horn) Move! Get outta the way! Where’d you learn to walk?! Get off your cell phone! Dorkus!
Pippin: Like, what’s with the road rage bro?
Gandalf: (not hearing him) Why don’t none of these peeps have the sense to GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!
Pippin: Kay, man, I’m scured.
(They reach the Citadel and dismount. Road Rage Gandy instantly turns into Regular Grumpy Gandy. They walk up to the Citadel and Pippin sees the tree from his vision. For some reason, this freaks him out and he hurries up to walk next to Gandalf.)
Gandalf: Now, pay attention, little dude. We’re going to see the Steward Dude, he’s sorta like the head honcho in waiting. He keeps the throne safe till the real Dude returns.
Pippin: Like my dad!
Gandalf: Yeppers, but Denethor’s way strict and just a tad on the Looney Toons side.
Pippin: Like my mom!
Gandalf: Exactly, so just shut up and don’t do anything stupid, kay. It’s way crucial you say nothing about Borry getting skewered and keeling over, kay? Denethor’s big on the playing favorites and he ain’t gonna like hearing that his fav son is getting soggy at the bottom of the river. Oh, and don’t say anything about Frodo or the Ring. And don’t say anything about Ranger Dude either. Or anything about how I ran Shadowfax too close to his prized roses and kinda gave them a clipping. If it comes up at all, just ‘member – it was the gardener and he was drunk.
Pippin: Gotcha.
(They go inside and it’s all eerily white, accented nicely with looming black pillars and statues of former Dudes holding more bowling balls. At the back of the room, some crazed looking old geezer is sitting at the base of the throne, in a little black chair.)
Pippin: (whispering) You know what this white room needs?
Gandalf: What?
Pippin: Black curtains.
Gandalf: Shhh. (they approach Denethor, who looks like he’s snoozing) Denethor, Duuuude! How’s it hangin, bro? I’m here to grace you with my ethereal presence and ultra brilliant counsel. “Let’s get it started in here!”
Denethor: Oh really? Does your ultra brilliant counsel got an explanation for this? (holds up broken Horn of Gondor)
Gandalf: (trying to cover) Uh, you sat on it again?
Denethor: No, you twit! My son’s dead! My only child!
Gandalf: What about Faramir?
Denethor: Shut up! My only child worth anything is DEAD! And just how’d that happen while in your ‘ethereal presence’? Huh? Huh? Tell me! Huh?
Gandalf: Well, for starters, I wasn’t there. I was kicking it in Lothlorien.
Denethor: Oh, so then… you left my son to DIE! It’s a conspiracy, isn’t it? You’re gonna go through us one by one. You got Borry, now you just need to get me and there will be no one left!
Gandalf: And again, I ask, what about Faramir?
Denethor: Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, huh? Look you stodgy old run down pathetic excuse of a poser–
Pippin: (cutting in) Hey, no one can insult Gandalf like that but me! (Denethor glares at him and he tries to cover) Uh, I mean, Borry died cuz of me, to save my cousin and me. Or more actually my cousin, cuz I can pretty much take care of myself. Anyways, I offer you my way excellent service in payment of this debt.
Denethor: Oh really? Well then tell me something, just how’d my son die while a little ankle biter like you survived?
Pippin: Well, there were like all these super orcs, and arrows and junk, and Boromir, well, he um, he was pin-cushioned.
Gandalf: Dude!
Pippin: What? I didn’t say nothing about being skewered. … Until just now. But that’s your fault!
Gandalf: Just get outta the way. (pushes Pippin aside) Look, bro, you don’t got time to be all weepy moany right now, kay? The Big Bad Dark Dude is coming to huff and puff and blow your house down. You gotta stand up and unite! Where’s the infantry? The brigade? The archery? Anybody?! You gotta send for the calvary and quick. Théoden’s just waiting for the call. Pick up the Horn, give him a Ring.
Pippin: Dude!
Gandalf: Whoops. Uh, look, just call for aid, or your butt’ll be squash.
Denethor: Oh, really? You think you’re soooo smart, don’t you? You think you’re the magna cum laude, don’t you? Well, you know, I so totally know what you got up your sleeves, old wiz dude, and I ain’t falling for it. It’s a conspiracy, I know it! You’ll use me as sandwich filling between you and Mordor and then sweep away the crumbs to put some stupid, uppity Ranger Dude with bad hygiene on the throne. I soooo don’t think so!
Gandalf: You don’t got the authority to deny the Return of the Dude!
Denethor: This is MY kingdom! MINE I tell you. You’ll have to pry it outta my cold, dead fingers, so eat that for breakfast!
Pippin: (to himself) Holy crap, I’ve sworn my allegiance to a psycho freak!
Gandalf: You got serious issues bro. Come on little dude, let’s blow this joint.
Pippin: Way ahead of you, bro.
Chapter 12: The Decline of Gondor
(They leave as quickly as fear of the insane old geezer will allow them to.)
Gandalf: He’s off his rocker, for sure. Letting his grief cloud his mind and the little bit of sense he was born with. What the frick! I didn’t stick around for a thousand years to see this nut case let the city fall to a flaming eyeball.
(They go outside and see Mordor, dark and gloomy in background, and the dead tree in the foreground. Altogether, it’s not a very encouraging sight. They walk past the tree to the landing strip.)
Gandalf: And this poor sap of a tree, the tree of the Dude, will never bloom again.
Pippin: No duh. It’s growing out of the frickin’ cement. No wonder it’s dead – hello! And what’s with the Imperial Guard?
Gandalf: They protect the tree.
Pippin: Why?
Gandalf: Cuz they have hope.
Pippin: Why?
Gandalf: Cuz they believe the Dude will one day return and the tree will bloom again.
Pippin: Why don’t they just plant it in some soil?
Gandalf: Cuz it’s a magic tree and that’s not how it works, kay? Geez, do you gotta question everything?
Pippin: Yes. Why, does it bother you?
Gandalf: Look, squirt, shut your pie hole or you’re going over the landing strip without a bungee cord, got it?
Pippin: Yeah, I gotcha. Chill, geez. All you had to do was ask nicely.
(Impressive zoom in shot of the White City, sweeping up to the landing strip, with the Citadel in background. Gandalf goes on rambling his history lesson as the audience tries not to fall asleep.)
Gandalf: See, way back in the day, there were these Men from the West and they were totally in charge and junk, but then they started doing their own thing, like building tombs instead of houses. There’s optimism for ya. Anyway, they were all about their ancestors and didn’t pay much attention to the kids and stuff, and their kids totally rebelled and started piercing stuff and getting tattoos. So they just kinda sat around babbling at the sky and trying to act all noble and junk. It so wasn’t pretty and – no surprise – the city totally fell into ruin. The line of Dudes failed, the White Tree shriveled up, and the rule of Gondor was handed over to lesser men to deal with and they just kinda did nothing with the place. Even Bob Villa couldn’t fix it up now, and that dude can do anything!
Pippin: (shaking himself out of his stupor) Huh? What? … Oh, right, Mordor. … Right?
Gandalf: Totally. (looks out at Mordor, unaware that he was being ignored) There it is, as always, taunting the Free Dudes of Gondor.
Pippin: A storm’s brewing.
Gandalf: Naw, that’s just a party favor of Sauron. His orcs don’t like the sun, so he sends that ahead of his armies as they march out to war. It’s no big.
Pippin: Right, no big. … So, where to next. bro? Let’s go to White Castle. I’m famished and I heard Doogie Howser was gonna be there.
Gandalf: Forget it, little dude. You’re stuck here now. We’ll have to get it delivered.
Pippin: We don’t got no money.
Gandalf: That’s all right, I’ll just put it on my tab.
Pippin: That tab’s gotta be getting monstrously steep by now.
Gandalf: Don’t worry. It’s not really my tab.
Continued in Part 5
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 3
Chapter 9: Arwen’s Vision
Elrond: (in voice over) Take her by the safest and quickest road.
(Arwen and company are traveling through the woods. Arwen’s spaced out and so doesn’t think to alarm anyone when a little kid goes running by. Good thing, too, cuz she starts seeing other things, like a room and a really, really old, washed out version of Aragorn. The little boy and really old Aragorn have sweet father-son mushy moment. Arwen sees the Evenstar pendant around the boy’s neck and starts to swoon.)
Arwen: Ah, it’s my son!
Boy: Hey, lady! Whatcha looking at? Take a picture, it’ll last longer.
Arwen: (all offended) So rude!
Boy: (sticks out tongue)
Woman: (out of view) Manners mister!
Boy: Sorry mama.
(Woman comes into view. It’s Éowyn. She goes over to Aragorn and they snog.)
Arwen: (majorly ticked) WHAT?!?!?! Oh, no he didn’t!
(Vision is interrupted by Figwit, the most gorgeous Elf to ever live! Eat that Legolas!)
Figwit: Dudette? You alright girl? You’re looking kinda spazzed.
Arwen: I AM SOOO GONNA KICK HIS KEISTER!!!
(She turns around and rides away)
Figwit: Ah, come on! You’re totally cutting short my screen time! You’re just jealous cuz I’m prettier than you!
(Wide shot of Arwen riding up to Rivendell. Cut to Arwen tossing off her cloak as she runs up to Elrond.)
Elrond: Hey, missy, don’t throw your things on the floor. And what the frick are you doing here?!
Arwen: (ticked as hell) That’s my son! MINE! No one else’s! And that’s MY boyfriend! Aragorn’s sposed to pine away the rest of his life thinking about me, not go boinking that skinny blonde bimbo!
Elrond: Um, whatcha talking about?
Arwen: Oh, don’t act like you didn’t see. You so did, and you let me go anyway! … Well, if I can’t have him, no one can!
Elrond: Arwen, sweety, you’re going to the scary place.
Chapter 10: The Reforging of Narsil
(Shot of Arwen in stealthy cat burglar robe walking up to the shards of Narsil.)
Arwen: He thinks he’s gonna cheat on me? Oh HELL no, I don’t think so! All’s fair in love and war and this is so totally war, biatch!
(Cut to Arwen’s room. She’s mumbling incoherently and stuffing Narsil bits into a bag.)
Elrond: Dudette, you gotta chill, girl. I don’t know what you saw, but it was way bogus. Aragorn’s not gonna go snogging some blonde bimbo, kay.
Arwen: Oh yeah? Well, look at this.
(Turns on TV and VCR, hits play. Video feed from the hidden camera placed on Aragorn starts playing everything that happened since Arwen left for the Grey Havens: Éowyn hugging Aragorn after battle at Helm’s Deep, Éowyn’s music video, Aragorn trying to cop a feel, Éowyn’s hand play.)
Arwen: See that?! Well, she likes swords so freakin’ much, I’ll give her one!
Elrond: Sweety, don’t make me do this.
Arwen: Do what, Daddy?
(Elves come up behind her and jump her. She puts up a good fight, but ultimately loses when one of them clocks her over the head.)
Elrond: Hey!
Elf #2: What? It’s not like I wanted to, geez, but she was getting those nails ready to do damage and I got a date tonight.
Elrond: Whatever, dude. Look, we gotta get this sword outta here, like pronto. Go reforge it and ready my jet.
Elves: Kay.
Elf #1: Wait. What about her? (points to Arwen knocked out on floor)
Elrond: Hopefully, she won’t remember anything when she comes to.
Elf #2: You want us to send her to the Grey Havens again?
Elrond: No! Who knows what she’d see next. Just… put her somewhere.
(Elves place Arwen on a bed outside under a tree, then take Narsil bits and reforge them in super dramatic slow mo.)
Chapter 11: Minas Tirith
(Cut to Gandalf riding Shadowfax’s keister off, with Pippin in tow. Many pretty travel shots later, they get to Minas Tirith and Gandalf nearly runs everyone over as he races up the 7 levels to the Citadel.)
Gandalf: (honking rubber horn) Move! Get outta the way! Where’d you learn to walk?! Get off your cell phone! Dorkus!
Pippin: Like, what’s with the road rage bro?
Gandalf: (not hearing him) Why don’t none of these peeps have the sense to GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!
Pippin: Kay, man, I’m scured.
(They reach the Citadel and dismount. Road Rage Gandy instantly turns into Regular Grumpy Gandy. They walk up to the Citadel and Pippin sees the tree from his vision. For some reason, this freaks him out and he hurries up to walk next to Gandalf.)
Gandalf: Now, pay attention, little dude. We’re going to see the Steward Dude, he’s sorta like the head honcho in waiting. He keeps the throne safe till the real Dude returns.
Pippin: Like my dad!
Gandalf: Yeppers, but Denethor’s way strict and just a tad on the Looney Toons side.
Pippin: Like my mom!
Gandalf: Exactly, so just shut up and don’t do anything stupid, kay. It’s way crucial you say nothing about Borry getting skewered and keeling over, kay? Denethor’s big on the playing favorites and he ain’t gonna like hearing that his fav son is getting soggy at the bottom of the river. Oh, and don’t say anything about Frodo or the Ring. And don’t say anything about Ranger Dude either. Or anything about how I ran Shadowfax too close to his prized roses and kinda gave them a clipping. If it comes up at all, just ‘member – it was the gardener and he was drunk.
Pippin: Gotcha.
(They go inside and it’s all eerily white, accented nicely with looming black pillars and statues of former Dudes holding more bowling balls. At the back of the room, some crazed looking old geezer is sitting at the base of the throne, in a little black chair.)
Pippin: (whispering) You know what this white room needs?
Gandalf: What?
Pippin: Black curtains.
Gandalf: Shhh. (they approach Denethor, who looks like he’s snoozing) Denethor, Duuuude! How’s it hangin, bro? I’m here to grace you with my ethereal presence and ultra brilliant counsel. “Let’s get it started in here!”
Denethor: Oh really? Does your ultra brilliant counsel got an explanation for this? (holds up broken Horn of Gondor)
Gandalf: (trying to cover) Uh, you sat on it again?
Denethor: No, you twit! My son’s dead! My only child!
Gandalf: What about Faramir?
Denethor: Shut up! My only child worth anything is DEAD! And just how’d that happen while in your ‘ethereal presence’? Huh? Huh? Tell me! Huh?
Gandalf: Well, for starters, I wasn’t there. I was kicking it in Lothlorien.
Denethor: Oh, so then… you left my son to DIE! It’s a conspiracy, isn’t it? You’re gonna go through us one by one. You got Borry, now you just need to get me and there will be no one left!
Gandalf: And again, I ask, what about Faramir?
Denethor: Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, huh? Look you stodgy old run down pathetic excuse of a poser–
Pippin: (cutting in) Hey, no one can insult Gandalf like that but me! (Denethor glares at him and he tries to cover) Uh, I mean, Borry died cuz of me, to save my cousin and me. Or more actually my cousin, cuz I can pretty much take care of myself. Anyways, I offer you my way excellent service in payment of this debt.
Denethor: Oh really? Well then tell me something, just how’d my son die while a little ankle biter like you survived?
Pippin: Well, there were like all these super orcs, and arrows and junk, and Boromir, well, he um, he was pin-cushioned.
Gandalf: Dude!
Pippin: What? I didn’t say nothing about being skewered. … Until just now. But that’s your fault!
Gandalf: Just get outta the way. (pushes Pippin aside) Look, bro, you don’t got time to be all weepy moany right now, kay? The Big Bad Dark Dude is coming to huff and puff and blow your house down. You gotta stand up and unite! Where’s the infantry? The brigade? The archery? Anybody?! You gotta send for the calvary and quick. Théoden’s just waiting for the call. Pick up the Horn, give him a Ring.
Pippin: Dude!
Gandalf: Whoops. Uh, look, just call for aid, or your butt’ll be squash.
Denethor: Oh, really? You think you’re soooo smart, don’t you? You think you’re the magna cum laude, don’t you? Well, you know, I so totally know what you got up your sleeves, old wiz dude, and I ain’t falling for it. It’s a conspiracy, I know it! You’ll use me as sandwich filling between you and Mordor and then sweep away the crumbs to put some stupid, uppity Ranger Dude with bad hygiene on the throne. I soooo don’t think so!
Gandalf: You don’t got the authority to deny the Return of the Dude!
Denethor: This is MY kingdom! MINE I tell you. You’ll have to pry it outta my cold, dead fingers, so eat that for breakfast!
Pippin: (to himself) Holy crap, I’ve sworn my allegiance to a psycho freak!
Gandalf: You got serious issues bro. Come on little dude, let’s blow this joint.
Pippin: Way ahead of you, bro.
Chapter 12: The Decline of Gondor
(They leave as quickly as fear of the insane old geezer will allow them to.)
Gandalf: He’s off his rocker, for sure. Letting his grief cloud his mind and the little bit of sense he was born with. What the frick! I didn’t stick around for a thousand years to see this nut case let the city fall to a flaming eyeball.
(They go outside and see Mordor, dark and gloomy in background, and the dead tree in the foreground. Altogether, it’s not a very encouraging sight. They walk past the tree to the landing strip.)
Gandalf: And this poor sap of a tree, the tree of the Dude, will never bloom again.
Pippin: No duh. It’s growing out of the frickin’ cement. No wonder it’s dead – hello! And what’s with the Imperial Guard?
Gandalf: They protect the tree.
Pippin: Why?
Gandalf: Cuz they have hope.
Pippin: Why?
Gandalf: Cuz they believe the Dude will one day return and the tree will bloom again.
Pippin: Why don’t they just plant it in some soil?
Gandalf: Cuz it’s a magic tree and that’s not how it works, kay? Geez, do you gotta question everything?
Pippin: Yes. Why, does it bother you?
Gandalf: Look, squirt, shut your pie hole or you’re going over the landing strip without a bungee cord, got it?
Pippin: Yeah, I gotcha. Chill, geez. All you had to do was ask nicely.
(Impressive zoom in shot of the White City, sweeping up to the landing strip, with the Citadel in background. Gandalf goes on rambling his history lesson as the audience tries not to fall asleep.)
Gandalf: See, way back in the day, there were these Men from the West and they were totally in charge and junk, but then they started doing their own thing, like building tombs instead of houses. There’s optimism for ya. Anyway, they were all about their ancestors and didn’t pay much attention to the kids and stuff, and their kids totally rebelled and started piercing stuff and getting tattoos. So they just kinda sat around babbling at the sky and trying to act all noble and junk. It so wasn’t pretty and – no surprise – the city totally fell into ruin. The line of Dudes failed, the White Tree shriveled up, and the rule of Gondor was handed over to lesser men to deal with and they just kinda did nothing with the place. Even Bob Villa couldn’t fix it up now, and that dude can do anything!
Pippin: (shaking himself out of his stupor) Huh? What? … Oh, right, Mordor. … Right?
Gandalf: Totally. (looks out at Mordor, unaware that he was being ignored) There it is, as always, taunting the Free Dudes of Gondor.
Pippin: A storm’s brewing.
Gandalf: Naw, that’s just a party favor of Sauron. His orcs don’t like the sun, so he sends that ahead of his armies as they march out to war. It’s no big.
Pippin: Right, no big. … So, where to next. bro? Let’s go to White Castle. I’m famished and I heard Doogie Howser was gonna be there.
Gandalf: Forget it, little dude. You’re stuck here now. We’ll have to get it delivered.
Pippin: We don’t got no money.
Gandalf: That’s all right, I’ll just put it on my tab.
Pippin: That tab’s gotta be getting monstrously steep by now.
Gandalf: Don’t worry. It’s not really my tab.
Continued in Part 5
