Return of the Dude
May. 15th, 2010 07:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Lord of the Dudes: Return of the Dude
Chapter 1: The Finding of the Ring
(Opening close-up shot of worm. How cute!)
Sinister High Pitched Voice in Background: They come from beneath you and devour you from your bottom. You cannot run, you cannot hide from… TREMORS!
(Zoom out shot to see two strange-looking, hobbit-like creatures sitting peacefully on a boat in the middle of a quiet, tranquil river. Ah, the innocence, the serenity, those were the days.)
Deagol: Dude, when are you gonna give it up and deal already? You’re never going to be the movie voice-over dude.
Smeagol: Yeah-huh!
Deagol: Naw-huh!
Smeagol: Yeah-huh!
Deagol: Just stop playing with your bait already.
(Smeagol pouts and baits his hook. He plops his line into the water and waits. And waits. And waits. And then, when he’s done with that, he waits some more.)
Smeagol: Dude, you know what? We should so totally get our own show on the Fishing Network!
Deagol: Yeah, cuz people don’t already have enough things to put them to sleep.
(Just then, Deagol’s line catches and he gets yanked out of the boat and under water.)
Smeagol: That’ll teach you to diss my ideas.
(Meanwhile, under water, Deagol is still holding onto the line like the incredibly brilliant hobbit-like creature that he is, and is being dragged through the river by a fish who has obviously been taking steroids. Finally, he lets go of the line and just happens to spot something shiny on the riverbed. He reaches down to grab it and the audience suddenly has déjà vu of the prologue to the first movie. A little while later, Deagol flops onto the river bank as if he’s the fish caught by the bait. … Oh, but wait - )
Smeagol: Dude! That was a totally awesome nosedive, bro! Hardly any back splash, but unfortunately, you were totally flat of vertical. I give it a 4.5.
Deagol: (completely ignoring him as he stares at some muddy ring in his hand) Oh, pretty.
Ring: Free at last! Free at last! Thank Melkor Almighty, I’m free at last! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! And I get more lines. Bout freaking time, they totally ignored me in the last movie. That is just so wrong.
Deagol: A talking ring? … Kewl!
Smeagol: (coming up from behind) Whatcha doing? (sees ring) Oh, pretty.
Deagol: (hiding ring) No lookie at my pretty!
Smeagol: Obsessive-much, are we?
Deagol: You’re the fine one to talk.
Smeagol: Just give it here, man.
Deagol: No way, dude. I found it! Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Smeagol: But it’s my birthday.
Deagol: Yeah, so, that means you owe me a present, so there!
Smeagol: Dude, hobbits do that. We’re only of hobbit-kind.
Deagol: Yeah, so, what’s the difference?
Smeagol: Difference is, give it already or else!
Deagol: Or else what?
(This is clearly the wrong thing to say, as Smeagol immediately begins fighting with Deagol for the ring. Inappropriately graphic fight scene occurs, ending with Smeagol strangling his “friend” and taking the ring for his own.)
Ring: Two minutes out of the water, and I’ve already got ‘em fighting and maiming. I so rule!
Smeagol: (holding up ring) My pretty. My precious-dude!
(Cue creepy montage of Smeagol slowly regressing into Gollum form.)
Gollum: (in voice over) Dear Fox Network Executives, I’m sending this video interview as a victim of totally bogus circumstanceses. I’ve been forced to hides with my Pretty for 500 yearsss in the bottom of this stinkin’ mountain, turned out of my home because for some odd reason, my family had issueses with thieveses and lying-scumbag murdererses. What’s their deal? Anywaysss, I’ve lost my clothes, I’m passsty and in desperate need of Rogaine, and all I can eat is raw fishses. I also have amnesssia, cuz for some reason I can no longer remember the taste of bread, the sounds of treeses, the softness of windsss, or even what my own frickin name is. Please consider me for your “Extreme Makeover.” Later dudeses! (coughs) Gollum! Gollum! (clears throat) Sorry, had a fish bone stuck in my throatses.
Chapter 2: Journey to the Cross-roads
(Cut to present day Middle Earth. Sam’s snoozing and Frodo is ogling the ring like an obsessive little…
Smeagol pops out of nowhere and interrupts the ogle-fest. He shakes Sam awake.)
Smeagol: Wake up sleepy head. (start singing)
Wake up little Suzie, wake up,
Wake up little Suzie, wake up We both fell sound asleep,
Wake up little Suzie and – AHHH!
Sam: Whoops, did I just push him off the rock? My bad.
Smeagol: (climbing back onto rock and looking ticked) That was not nice of little Fatso!
Sam: Dude, is that like the only insult you know, Bug Eyes?
Frodo: Come on, you two, don’t start already, geez! Can’t a bro get a few minutes’ peace around here?
Smeagol: I’ll be good.
Sam: Didn’t you get any sleep, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: You mean during those five seconds you two weren’t fighting and this rock wasn’t digging into my back? Yay, absolutely, like a baby – NOT!
Sam: No need to get a ‘tude about it.
Smeagol: Master Dude’s tired. He can’t help being snappy.
Sam: Oh, don’t even try it with the noble, sympathetic act. That’s my routine. Go back to digging in the dirt, dorkus.
Smeagol: (to Frodo) See? See how the rude, mean one insults me for no reason?
Sam: Now what’d I just frickin say? Don’t talk to him!
(Smeagol and Sam start fighting and Frodo looks up to the sky for some shred of sanity.)
Frodo: This so ain’t worth it. (turns to Sam and Smeagol) SHUT UP! Can it, or I’m tying you both together.
Sam and Smeagol: EW!
(They separate and Smeagol dashes off to do who knows what. Just then, the ground shakes and Sam gives Frodo some lembas bread.)
Sam: Dude you must really be hungry for your stomach to grumble that loud. Here you go bro. Chow down.
Frodo: What about you bro? Aren’t you eatin?
Sam: Naw, I’m trying this new thing where I starve myself. It’s pretty narly actually. I’ve been having some way freaky hallucinations, like me strangling Gollum, or me beating Gollum to a pulp. Good times.
Smeagol: (coming back) What’s so good about that?
Sam: Well, it’s better than me beating you for reals, ain’t it? So can it.
Frodo: Dudes! Both of you can it! I mean it. Next one of you to start arguing is totally getting tied to the other – by the hand.
Sam and Smeagol: EWWWW! That’s nasty!
Sam: I don’t want to hold his hand.
Smeagol: (smiles wickedly and starts singing)
I want to hold your hand Oh please say to me You'll let me be your man And please say to me You'll let me hold your hand Now, let me hold your hand I want to hold your hand!!!!!
Sam: (struggles not to call Gollum names and turns to Frodo) Mr. Frodo, he’s antagonizing me!
Frodo: Smeagol, stop antagonizing Sam.
Smeagol: (innocently) I’m just singing.
Frodo: Smeagol, do you want to go to time out man?
Smeagol: No.
Frodo: Ok, then. And Sam, you need to eat bro.
Sam: I’ll eat on the return flight.
Frodo: Return flight?
Sam: Yeah, cuz after we win, we’ll be able to tame the Fell Beasts and fly out of Mordor. … Won’t we?
Frodo: Um, I don’t know. We could try.
Sam: Kewl!
Frodo: Awesome.
Bato Gollum: A dios mio!
(Little while later, they’re all walking through the burnt up landscape.)
Frodo: This doesn’t look like the brochure.
Tour Guide Gollum: We have almost reached our destination and are very close to Mordor now. Stay close to me and don’t stray from the path. No safe places to pee here, so if you need to go, you’re gonna have to hold it.
Sam: You couldn’t tell us that before we left that rock thingy?
GF 2/18/05
Continued in Part 2
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Lord of the Dudes: Return of the Dude
Chapter 1: The Finding of the Ring
(Opening close-up shot of worm. How cute!)
Sinister High Pitched Voice in Background: They come from beneath you and devour you from your bottom. You cannot run, you cannot hide from… TREMORS!
(Zoom out shot to see two strange-looking, hobbit-like creatures sitting peacefully on a boat in the middle of a quiet, tranquil river. Ah, the innocence, the serenity, those were the days.)
Deagol: Dude, when are you gonna give it up and deal already? You’re never going to be the movie voice-over dude.
Smeagol: Yeah-huh!
Deagol: Naw-huh!
Smeagol: Yeah-huh!
Deagol: Just stop playing with your bait already.
(Smeagol pouts and baits his hook. He plops his line into the water and waits. And waits. And waits. And then, when he’s done with that, he waits some more.)
Smeagol: Dude, you know what? We should so totally get our own show on the Fishing Network!
Deagol: Yeah, cuz people don’t already have enough things to put them to sleep.
(Just then, Deagol’s line catches and he gets yanked out of the boat and under water.)
Smeagol: That’ll teach you to diss my ideas.
(Meanwhile, under water, Deagol is still holding onto the line like the incredibly brilliant hobbit-like creature that he is, and is being dragged through the river by a fish who has obviously been taking steroids. Finally, he lets go of the line and just happens to spot something shiny on the riverbed. He reaches down to grab it and the audience suddenly has déjà vu of the prologue to the first movie. A little while later, Deagol flops onto the river bank as if he’s the fish caught by the bait. … Oh, but wait - )
Smeagol: Dude! That was a totally awesome nosedive, bro! Hardly any back splash, but unfortunately, you were totally flat of vertical. I give it a 4.5.
Deagol: (completely ignoring him as he stares at some muddy ring in his hand) Oh, pretty.
Ring: Free at last! Free at last! Thank Melkor Almighty, I’m free at last! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! And I get more lines. Bout freaking time, they totally ignored me in the last movie. That is just so wrong.
Deagol: A talking ring? … Kewl!
Smeagol: (coming up from behind) Whatcha doing? (sees ring) Oh, pretty.
Deagol: (hiding ring) No lookie at my pretty!
Smeagol: Obsessive-much, are we?
Deagol: You’re the fine one to talk.
Smeagol: Just give it here, man.
Deagol: No way, dude. I found it! Finders keepers, losers weepers.
Smeagol: But it’s my birthday.
Deagol: Yeah, so, that means you owe me a present, so there!
Smeagol: Dude, hobbits do that. We’re only of hobbit-kind.
Deagol: Yeah, so, what’s the difference?
Smeagol: Difference is, give it already or else!
Deagol: Or else what?
(This is clearly the wrong thing to say, as Smeagol immediately begins fighting with Deagol for the ring. Inappropriately graphic fight scene occurs, ending with Smeagol strangling his “friend” and taking the ring for his own.)
Ring: Two minutes out of the water, and I’ve already got ‘em fighting and maiming. I so rule!
Smeagol: (holding up ring) My pretty. My precious-dude!
(Cue creepy montage of Smeagol slowly regressing into Gollum form.)
Gollum: (in voice over) Dear Fox Network Executives, I’m sending this video interview as a victim of totally bogus circumstanceses. I’ve been forced to hides with my Pretty for 500 yearsss in the bottom of this stinkin’ mountain, turned out of my home because for some odd reason, my family had issueses with thieveses and lying-scumbag murdererses. What’s their deal? Anywaysss, I’ve lost my clothes, I’m passsty and in desperate need of Rogaine, and all I can eat is raw fishses. I also have amnesssia, cuz for some reason I can no longer remember the taste of bread, the sounds of treeses, the softness of windsss, or even what my own frickin name is. Please consider me for your “Extreme Makeover.” Later dudeses! (coughs) Gollum! Gollum! (clears throat) Sorry, had a fish bone stuck in my throatses.
Chapter 2: Journey to the Cross-roads
(Cut to present day Middle Earth. Sam’s snoozing and Frodo is ogling the ring like an obsessive little…
Smeagol pops out of nowhere and interrupts the ogle-fest. He shakes Sam awake.)
Smeagol: Wake up sleepy head. (start singing)
Wake up little Suzie, wake up,
Wake up little Suzie, wake up We both fell sound asleep,
Wake up little Suzie and – AHHH!
Sam: Whoops, did I just push him off the rock? My bad.
Smeagol: (climbing back onto rock and looking ticked) That was not nice of little Fatso!
Sam: Dude, is that like the only insult you know, Bug Eyes?
Frodo: Come on, you two, don’t start already, geez! Can’t a bro get a few minutes’ peace around here?
Smeagol: I’ll be good.
Sam: Didn’t you get any sleep, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: You mean during those five seconds you two weren’t fighting and this rock wasn’t digging into my back? Yay, absolutely, like a baby – NOT!
Sam: No need to get a ‘tude about it.
Smeagol: Master Dude’s tired. He can’t help being snappy.
Sam: Oh, don’t even try it with the noble, sympathetic act. That’s my routine. Go back to digging in the dirt, dorkus.
Smeagol: (to Frodo) See? See how the rude, mean one insults me for no reason?
Sam: Now what’d I just frickin say? Don’t talk to him!
(Smeagol and Sam start fighting and Frodo looks up to the sky for some shred of sanity.)
Frodo: This so ain’t worth it. (turns to Sam and Smeagol) SHUT UP! Can it, or I’m tying you both together.
Sam and Smeagol: EW!
(They separate and Smeagol dashes off to do who knows what. Just then, the ground shakes and Sam gives Frodo some lembas bread.)
Sam: Dude you must really be hungry for your stomach to grumble that loud. Here you go bro. Chow down.
Frodo: What about you bro? Aren’t you eatin?
Sam: Naw, I’m trying this new thing where I starve myself. It’s pretty narly actually. I’ve been having some way freaky hallucinations, like me strangling Gollum, or me beating Gollum to a pulp. Good times.
Smeagol: (coming back) What’s so good about that?
Sam: Well, it’s better than me beating you for reals, ain’t it? So can it.
Frodo: Dudes! Both of you can it! I mean it. Next one of you to start arguing is totally getting tied to the other – by the hand.
Sam and Smeagol: EWWWW! That’s nasty!
Sam: I don’t want to hold his hand.
Smeagol: (smiles wickedly and starts singing)
I want to hold your hand Oh please say to me You'll let me be your man And please say to me You'll let me hold your hand Now, let me hold your hand I want to hold your hand!!!!!
Sam: (struggles not to call Gollum names and turns to Frodo) Mr. Frodo, he’s antagonizing me!
Frodo: Smeagol, stop antagonizing Sam.
Smeagol: (innocently) I’m just singing.
Frodo: Smeagol, do you want to go to time out man?
Smeagol: No.
Frodo: Ok, then. And Sam, you need to eat bro.
Sam: I’ll eat on the return flight.
Frodo: Return flight?
Sam: Yeah, cuz after we win, we’ll be able to tame the Fell Beasts and fly out of Mordor. … Won’t we?
Frodo: Um, I don’t know. We could try.
Sam: Kewl!
Frodo: Awesome.
Bato Gollum: A dios mio!
(Little while later, they’re all walking through the burnt up landscape.)
Frodo: This doesn’t look like the brochure.
Tour Guide Gollum: We have almost reached our destination and are very close to Mordor now. Stay close to me and don’t stray from the path. No safe places to pee here, so if you need to go, you’re gonna have to hold it.
Sam: You couldn’t tell us that before we left that rock thingy?
GF 2/18/05
Continued in Part 2
Tags:
- aragorn,
- arwen,
- au,
- boromir,
- cirith ungol,
- denethor,
- elrond,
- elves,
- eomer,
- eowyn,
- fangorn,
- faramir,
- frodo baggins,
- gandalf,
- gimli,
- gollum,
- gondor,
- grima wormtongue,
- humor,
- isengard,
- legolas,
- men,
- merry brandybuck,
- minas morgul,
- mordor,
- orcs,
- parody,
- peregrin took,
- quest,
- rick cottontree,
- ring-wraiths,
- rivendell,
- rohan,
- sam gamgee,
- saruman,
- sauron,
- shelob,
- the one ring,
- theoden,
- treebeard,
- uruk-hai
