The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 07:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 18
Disc Two Easter Egg
Instructions for finding Easter Egg:
Go to the Select-a-Scene screen. Immediately begin hitting the ‘up’ arrow key, 10000 times in 10000 seconds. Be sure to alternate your fingers so as to avoid cramping or wearing the skin down to the bone. A dancing figure will appear. Click on it. Enjoy!
~*~*~*~
Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor, or What Happens When PJ Isn’t Around
Intro by PJ: Hello, you have found another hidden treat. As with The Dude of the Rings: The Dudeship of the Ring, this is a collection of deleted scenes that were shot when the cast and crew got a little too carried away with their theatrics. So here they are, in no particular order. Please note that the last scene should NOT be viewed by anyone under the age of 21. Please send all children and adolescents out of the room before proceeding any further. Thank you, and please, direct any complaints to our complaints department manager by e-mailing PimpleS_B@Sharkey.net.
(Fade to black.)
Osgiliath Part II, or How Faramir Got Rid of Boromir
[Cut to Osgiliath, after the Nazgul has made his appearance.]
Faramir: NAZGUL!
(Men panic and take cover.)
Sam: Big whooping deal. It’s not like they ever actually DO anything.
Faramir: Yeah, but still, you should probably hide. (pointing at Frodo) He’s not looking so good. (takes them to a not-so-hidden hiding place) Stay here, I got a beef to hash out with my brother.
(Faramir goes up to the parapet where Boromir had addressed the citizens of Gondor in the flashback scene. He starts pacing, apparently oblivious to the chaos down below as his men scatter about in vein attempts to hide from the high-pitched squealing of the Nazgul.)
Faramir: BOROMIR! You prick! You lied to me! Get out here where I can talk to you!
Boromir: Alright already, geez. Don’t get all worked up over nothing.
Faramir: NOTHING! I was dragging them to see Dad! To take him the fricking Ring and now the fricking Nazgul are flying over our fricking heads! NOTHING!!!!
Boromir: Look bro, it’s not like you had to do any of it. It was just a suggestion.
Faramir: Dude, if you weren’t already dead, you’d be in serious trouble right about now.
Boromir: Hey, everything I told you was the truth, bro. You know, from a certain point of view.
Faramir: Oh, don’t pull that Obi Wan Kanobi crap on me. You lied and you know it! Frodo didn’t kill you, he couldn’t even hurt a flea.
Boromir: Look, you don’t know, kay! You can’t judge, you weren’t there. There I was, minding my own business, gathering firewood and who do I run across? Frodo! Trying to look all sweet and innocent with his big blue eyes and pouty lower lip. That might work on evil elf queens, but he wasn’t going to get me that easily, no way dude! And now, he’s trying to work his mojo on you. You gotta fight it, bro, before he sics his gardener on you. Don’t think he won’t do it! Those little dudes are freakishly strong.
Faramir: There is so much wrong with this conversation, I don’t even know where to begin. Are you even listening to yourself?! Just leave me alone already. Or I’m telling dad that it was you that time with the candle wax. And that time with the lizards. And the broken window pane.
Boromir: Oooh, I’m shaking – not!
Faramir: And the botched cheesecake incident.
Boromir: (gasps) You wouldn’t.
Faramir: I would.
Boromir: He would never believe you over me!
Faramir: Dude, how dense do you think I am? I took pictures – duh!
Boromir: Fine, then. I’ll leave. Sides, Theodred tells me it’s wet T-shirt night. Ha! Sucks to be you, bro! Who’s gonna party tonight! Ha? Ha? Who is? Me! That’s who! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Boromir leaves.)
Faramir: Why couldn’t I have had a sister instead?
(Just then, Faramir notices the Fell Beast about to make snack food out of Frodo and quickly releases an arrow.)
Faramir: Yes! Right in the pressure point! Woohoo!
The Fate of the Eldar, or What Really Happened to the Elves at the Battle of Helm’s Deep
(The Random Rohirrim Riders are cleaning up the carnage after the battle. A couple of them find Haldir and carry him over to the pile with the other elves.)
Random Rohirrim Rider #182: You know, they say this one got his head split open, only, I don’t see any blood.
Random Rohirrim Rider #981: Or brain tissue. Huh, that’s weird.
(They toss him into the pile and look in vein for any signs of a battle wound. Seeing nothing, they just shrug and go on to collect the next victim. Several minutes pass. Then Haldir starts laughing.)
Haldir: Wow, I never thought that ‘playing opossum’ gig would work!
Random Elf #72: That was a good call, dude!
Haldir: I’m so brilliant I sometimes even amaze myself!
Random Elf #37: Yeah, but like, how long do we gotta stay here piled on top of each other like this? My legs are numb.
Haldir: We should wait till nightfall. When they find us gone in the morning along with the trees, they’ll just blame the trees.
Random Elf #9: You are my god!
Haldir: I know! I so rule!
Random Elf #65: Ahhh! I’m bleeding!
Elves: WHAT?!
Random Elf #65: Oh, never mind, it’s just one of my fake-blood pouches bursting. My bad.
Elves: Dude, don’t scare us like that.
Haldir: Shh! They’re coming back. Play dead!
(Elves play dead as some more men come over with another one of their bros and throw him onto the pile.)
(That night, they get up and split when the trees start to leave.)
Haldir: Kay, bros, we’re going directly to Rivendell. We so owe Elrond a surprise visit.
Random Elf #18: Good thing they didn’t try to bury us.
Haldir: These bros are waaaay too incompetent to think of something like that. Now, come on, let’s mosey.
The Morning After Hornstock, or Eowyn’s Music Video
(Eowyn and the other women are released from the caves. Eowyn’s walking the concert stage that remains miraculously intact.)
Eowyn: This is just typical. We’re in there being all weepy moany while they’re out here having a concert! Why should they get all the fun?
(Looks up and notices Aragorn trying not to notice her, and gets a really BAD idea.)
Eowyn: Ladies, I believe we deserve to let loose a little, don’t you?
Shield Maidens: YEAH!
Eowyn: Kay, so this is what we do…
(Little while later, all the women are standing on the stage, with the guys pretending to continue to work around them. Eowyn grabs Rick Cottontree onstage with them. Someone hits the music and soon, the guys are hopelessly watching the spectacle, all of them wishing he were Rick Cottontree.)
Rick Cottontree: If you ain't dirrty, you ain't here to paaaaarty!
Eowyn (& Rick Cottontree):
Ladies (move), Gentlemen (move)
Rick Cottontree:
Somebody ring the alarm, a fire on the roof
Eowyn (& Rick Cottontree) Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
(Eowyn walks through shield maidens to front of stage.)
Eowyn (& Back-up Shield Maidens):
Oh, I'm overdue
Give me some room
I'm coming through
Paid my dues
In the mood
Me and the girls gonna shake the room
(Shield maidens shake their tail feathers.)
DJ's spinning (show your hands)
Let's get dirrty (that's my jam)
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat until my clothes come off
(The girls throw their brown travel pullovers off and let their hair down. Guys go wild.)
It's explosive, speakers are pumping (oh)
Still jumping, six in the morning
Table dancing, glasses are mashing
No question, time for some action
(Shield maidens take turns dancing with Rick Cottontree or with each other.)
Temperature's up (can you feel it)
About to erupt
Gonna get my girls
Get your boys
Gonna make some noise
(The girls start dancing very suggestively. Guys almost pass out.)
Wanna get rowdy
Gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party
Sweat dripping over my body
Dance and getting just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time for my arrival…
(Suddenly, everything goes eerily quiet. Guys stop cheering and start booing, and girls stop dancing.)
Eomer: What in the HELL do you think you’re doing?!!!
(He glares daggers at the guys and orders them back to work. He kicks Rick Cottontree off the stage, literally. Then he turns on Eowyn.)
Eomer: Are you mental! What were you thinking!
Eowyn: (innocently) What? Us girls aren’t allowed to have any fun?
Eomer: You’re not allowed to shake your booty in front of all the Riders of Rohan, oh HELL no! Back to the caves!
Eowyn: I’ll remember this!
Random Rohirrim Rider: Yeah, so will we!
(Eomer turns to see who spoke, but everyone’s back at work and pretending they didn’t hear anything. Eowyn and the shield maidens go back to the caves, passing by Aragorn and company on the way. Aragorn’s trying to act aloof, but he inadvertently missed some drool and so fails miserably.)
Eowyn: Hey there, Ranger Dude.
Aragorn: Ahhhh…
Eomer: Don’t even think about it.
(Aragorn and company wait until they’re gone and well out of ear shot.)
Legolas: Dude, if Arwen had seen that…
Aragorn: Yeah?
Legolas: Let’s just say, I’m glad I’m not you right now.
Gimli: Yes, how horrible, having two beautiful hot babes in love with you. What a travesty.
Aragorn: No, Legolas is right. Arwen’s totally gonna kill me! I gotta get outta here! … So, now, who’d you get to Mary Sue Land again?
Legolas: Trust me bro, the hell you know is better than the one you don’t.
Aragorn: Aw, man!
[Fade to black. PJ comes back on screen.]
PJ: So, that’s the Easter Egg. And we would like to thank Christina Aguilera in advance for not suing us over the rights to Dirrty as we don’t own them and she does.
The end!
GF 4/25/04
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 18
Disc Two Easter Egg
Instructions for finding Easter Egg:
Go to the Select-a-Scene screen. Immediately begin hitting the ‘up’ arrow key, 10000 times in 10000 seconds. Be sure to alternate your fingers so as to avoid cramping or wearing the skin down to the bone. A dancing figure will appear. Click on it. Enjoy!
~*~*~*~
Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor, or What Happens When PJ Isn’t Around
Intro by PJ: Hello, you have found another hidden treat. As with The Dude of the Rings: The Dudeship of the Ring, this is a collection of deleted scenes that were shot when the cast and crew got a little too carried away with their theatrics. So here they are, in no particular order. Please note that the last scene should NOT be viewed by anyone under the age of 21. Please send all children and adolescents out of the room before proceeding any further. Thank you, and please, direct any complaints to our complaints department manager by e-mailing PimpleS_B@Sharkey.net.
(Fade to black.)
Osgiliath Part II, or How Faramir Got Rid of Boromir
[Cut to Osgiliath, after the Nazgul has made his appearance.]
Faramir: NAZGUL!
(Men panic and take cover.)
Sam: Big whooping deal. It’s not like they ever actually DO anything.
Faramir: Yeah, but still, you should probably hide. (pointing at Frodo) He’s not looking so good. (takes them to a not-so-hidden hiding place) Stay here, I got a beef to hash out with my brother.
(Faramir goes up to the parapet where Boromir had addressed the citizens of Gondor in the flashback scene. He starts pacing, apparently oblivious to the chaos down below as his men scatter about in vein attempts to hide from the high-pitched squealing of the Nazgul.)
Faramir: BOROMIR! You prick! You lied to me! Get out here where I can talk to you!
Boromir: Alright already, geez. Don’t get all worked up over nothing.
Faramir: NOTHING! I was dragging them to see Dad! To take him the fricking Ring and now the fricking Nazgul are flying over our fricking heads! NOTHING!!!!
Boromir: Look bro, it’s not like you had to do any of it. It was just a suggestion.
Faramir: Dude, if you weren’t already dead, you’d be in serious trouble right about now.
Boromir: Hey, everything I told you was the truth, bro. You know, from a certain point of view.
Faramir: Oh, don’t pull that Obi Wan Kanobi crap on me. You lied and you know it! Frodo didn’t kill you, he couldn’t even hurt a flea.
Boromir: Look, you don’t know, kay! You can’t judge, you weren’t there. There I was, minding my own business, gathering firewood and who do I run across? Frodo! Trying to look all sweet and innocent with his big blue eyes and pouty lower lip. That might work on evil elf queens, but he wasn’t going to get me that easily, no way dude! And now, he’s trying to work his mojo on you. You gotta fight it, bro, before he sics his gardener on you. Don’t think he won’t do it! Those little dudes are freakishly strong.
Faramir: There is so much wrong with this conversation, I don’t even know where to begin. Are you even listening to yourself?! Just leave me alone already. Or I’m telling dad that it was you that time with the candle wax. And that time with the lizards. And the broken window pane.
Boromir: Oooh, I’m shaking – not!
Faramir: And the botched cheesecake incident.
Boromir: (gasps) You wouldn’t.
Faramir: I would.
Boromir: He would never believe you over me!
Faramir: Dude, how dense do you think I am? I took pictures – duh!
Boromir: Fine, then. I’ll leave. Sides, Theodred tells me it’s wet T-shirt night. Ha! Sucks to be you, bro! Who’s gonna party tonight! Ha? Ha? Who is? Me! That’s who! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Boromir leaves.)
Faramir: Why couldn’t I have had a sister instead?
(Just then, Faramir notices the Fell Beast about to make snack food out of Frodo and quickly releases an arrow.)
Faramir: Yes! Right in the pressure point! Woohoo!
The Fate of the Eldar, or What Really Happened to the Elves at the Battle of Helm’s Deep
(The Random Rohirrim Riders are cleaning up the carnage after the battle. A couple of them find Haldir and carry him over to the pile with the other elves.)
Random Rohirrim Rider #182: You know, they say this one got his head split open, only, I don’t see any blood.
Random Rohirrim Rider #981: Or brain tissue. Huh, that’s weird.
(They toss him into the pile and look in vein for any signs of a battle wound. Seeing nothing, they just shrug and go on to collect the next victim. Several minutes pass. Then Haldir starts laughing.)
Haldir: Wow, I never thought that ‘playing opossum’ gig would work!
Random Elf #72: That was a good call, dude!
Haldir: I’m so brilliant I sometimes even amaze myself!
Random Elf #37: Yeah, but like, how long do we gotta stay here piled on top of each other like this? My legs are numb.
Haldir: We should wait till nightfall. When they find us gone in the morning along with the trees, they’ll just blame the trees.
Random Elf #9: You are my god!
Haldir: I know! I so rule!
Random Elf #65: Ahhh! I’m bleeding!
Elves: WHAT?!
Random Elf #65: Oh, never mind, it’s just one of my fake-blood pouches bursting. My bad.
Elves: Dude, don’t scare us like that.
Haldir: Shh! They’re coming back. Play dead!
(Elves play dead as some more men come over with another one of their bros and throw him onto the pile.)
(That night, they get up and split when the trees start to leave.)
Haldir: Kay, bros, we’re going directly to Rivendell. We so owe Elrond a surprise visit.
Random Elf #18: Good thing they didn’t try to bury us.
Haldir: These bros are waaaay too incompetent to think of something like that. Now, come on, let’s mosey.
The Morning After Hornstock, or Eowyn’s Music Video
(Eowyn and the other women are released from the caves. Eowyn’s walking the concert stage that remains miraculously intact.)
Eowyn: This is just typical. We’re in there being all weepy moany while they’re out here having a concert! Why should they get all the fun?
(Looks up and notices Aragorn trying not to notice her, and gets a really BAD idea.)
Eowyn: Ladies, I believe we deserve to let loose a little, don’t you?
Shield Maidens: YEAH!
Eowyn: Kay, so this is what we do…
(Little while later, all the women are standing on the stage, with the guys pretending to continue to work around them. Eowyn grabs Rick Cottontree onstage with them. Someone hits the music and soon, the guys are hopelessly watching the spectacle, all of them wishing he were Rick Cottontree.)
Rick Cottontree: If you ain't dirrty, you ain't here to paaaaarty!
Eowyn (& Rick Cottontree):
Ladies (move), Gentlemen (move)
Rick Cottontree:
Somebody ring the alarm, a fire on the roof
Eowyn (& Rick Cottontree) Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
Ring the alarm (and I'm throwin' elbows)
(Eowyn walks through shield maidens to front of stage.)
Eowyn (& Back-up Shield Maidens):
Oh, I'm overdue
Give me some room
I'm coming through
Paid my dues
In the mood
Me and the girls gonna shake the room
(Shield maidens shake their tail feathers.)
DJ's spinning (show your hands)
Let's get dirrty (that's my jam)
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat until my clothes come off
(The girls throw their brown travel pullovers off and let their hair down. Guys go wild.)
It's explosive, speakers are pumping (oh)
Still jumping, six in the morning
Table dancing, glasses are mashing
No question, time for some action
(Shield maidens take turns dancing with Rick Cottontree or with each other.)
Temperature's up (can you feel it)
About to erupt
Gonna get my girls
Get your boys
Gonna make some noise
(The girls start dancing very suggestively. Guys almost pass out.)
Wanna get rowdy
Gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party
Sweat dripping over my body
Dance and getting just a little naughty
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time for my arrival…
(Suddenly, everything goes eerily quiet. Guys stop cheering and start booing, and girls stop dancing.)
Eomer: What in the HELL do you think you’re doing?!!!
(He glares daggers at the guys and orders them back to work. He kicks Rick Cottontree off the stage, literally. Then he turns on Eowyn.)
Eomer: Are you mental! What were you thinking!
Eowyn: (innocently) What? Us girls aren’t allowed to have any fun?
Eomer: You’re not allowed to shake your booty in front of all the Riders of Rohan, oh HELL no! Back to the caves!
Eowyn: I’ll remember this!
Random Rohirrim Rider: Yeah, so will we!
(Eomer turns to see who spoke, but everyone’s back at work and pretending they didn’t hear anything. Eowyn and the shield maidens go back to the caves, passing by Aragorn and company on the way. Aragorn’s trying to act aloof, but he inadvertently missed some drool and so fails miserably.)
Eowyn: Hey there, Ranger Dude.
Aragorn: Ahhhh…
Eomer: Don’t even think about it.
(Aragorn and company wait until they’re gone and well out of ear shot.)
Legolas: Dude, if Arwen had seen that…
Aragorn: Yeah?
Legolas: Let’s just say, I’m glad I’m not you right now.
Gimli: Yes, how horrible, having two beautiful hot babes in love with you. What a travesty.
Aragorn: No, Legolas is right. Arwen’s totally gonna kill me! I gotta get outta here! … So, now, who’d you get to Mary Sue Land again?
Legolas: Trust me bro, the hell you know is better than the one you don’t.
Aragorn: Aw, man!
[Fade to black. PJ comes back on screen.]
PJ: So, that’s the Easter Egg. And we would like to thank Christina Aguilera in advance for not suing us over the rights to Dirrty as we don’t own them and she does.
The end!
GF 4/25/04
