The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 06:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 16
Chapter 59: The Flooding of Isengard
(Meanwhile, the Ents are doing damage of their own, and are even finding the time to go bowling for orcs. Merry and Pippin get in on the action, throwing more ROCKS, hitting their target every time like good little hobbits. Some Ents go a little too far in their destruction and break the dam.)
Gum Tree Ent: TIDAL WAVE!
Merry: Aw man! I knew we shoulda brought our long boards.
Pippin: Dude, we’re like riding an Ent. How much longer do you need to get?
Merry: Good point, coz. Hang ten!
Pippin: Cowabunga, bro!
Caught-on-Fire Ent: Belly flop!
Merry: Ouch. Now you know that gotta hurt.
(Saruman sneaks out on the balcony to survey the damage and flood.)
Saruman: Dude, how am I gonna explain this to my insurance? Are we covered for floods?
Grima: Well, actually, we sorta only got liability only.
Saruman: WHAT?!
Chapter 60: The Tales That Really Mattered…
(Anyways, back at Osgiliath, Frodo finally loses it completely and succumbs to the call of the Ring. He goes up the wall to the Nazgul, who’s hovering on his Fell Beast. The Fell Beast and Frodo have a stare down, but it doesn’t last very long before Frodo starts to put on the Ring and thus completely ruin EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. But Sam conveniently gets to him before that happens. Faramir lets loose an ARROW, and this is miraculously enough to send the Fell Beast flying away. Gee, those things don’t have much of a pain tolerance, do they? Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam go tumbling down the stairs, again managing to NOT break ANYTHING. They reach the bottom of the stairs and Frodo holds his SWORD to Sam’s THROAT.)
Sam: Um, dude, what do you think you’re doing?
Frodo: (stares fiercely)
Sam: Hello! Middle Earth to Mr. Frodo! Anyone home up there?
Frodo: (stares less fiercely)
Sam: Dude, get this stupid sword OFF my throat, pronto! Snap out of it already! Don’t make me have to smack you.
Frodo: (snapping out of it) Sam?
Sam: Yes, it’s me. Sam. You’re bestest best bud ever, remember?
Frodo: What in the hell just happened?
Sam: Well, you were doing your rendition of Swan Lake, and then you got all crazed and tried to dish yourself up to the Black Dude.
Frodo: No way!
Sam: Way.
Frodo: You lie! I so did NOT do Swan Lake!
Sam: Fine then, The Nutcracker, whatever. Point is, you flipped big time.
Frodo: Aw, man, I knew I wasn’t cut out for this warrior-adventure crap. I can’t do this, bro.
Sam: I know. It’s all screwed up. By rights, we shouldn’t even be here. And you want to know what rights? Copyrights! I mean, HELLO! What are we doing here?! I mean, seriously, WHY are we HERE? WHEN THE FRICK DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?! Faramir’s all possessed, you’re acting like a raving loon, Gollum’s being cute! Cute! Him! EW! If we don’t get outta here pronto, I’M going to lose it next. I mean, talk about biffing up the plot. I don’t even think we’re in the right story no more! (cut to Isengard) The Ents are a bunch of frickin brain deads; you can’t even define their level of stupidity. And they need Merry and Pippin to trick them into fighting?! What’s that about?! (cut to Helm’s Deep) Why, why, WHY would Aragorn going FLYING over a cliff?! WHY I ask you!!! What’s the point in that?! And Theoden King’s getting pushed all over the place by EVERYBODY, letting Aragorn take command of HIS army at HIS fortress in HIS battle – with ELVES? ELVES!! What the frick are Elves doing there? And Gimli – SO NOT FUNNY! (back to Osgiliath) Now you go and basically advertise the Ring’s exact location to the Big Bad Dark Dude. So much for secrecy! We might as well just sit our keisters down now and wait for them to come collect us, cuz by all logical reasoning, there’s no way we’re getting outta here undetected! They’re jacking up the story, making up crap and changing stuff around for NO GOOD REASON! No wonder everyone’s all confused. And seriously, I’ve had it! I’m mad as hell, and I ain’t taking it no more! SCREW THE SCREENWRITERS! SCREW THE SCRIPT! I’m so getting outta here, and you’re totally coming with me!
(Goes over and pulls Frodo off the floor.)
Frodo: Dude, that was beautiful, bro! I LOVE you man! Let’s get up outta here!
Faramir: Not so fast.
Sam: Dude, you do NOT want to get in my way.
Faramir: No worries. I’m not gonna. I just, you see, it’s Boromir, he’s, well……………… I was a massive prick and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, kay?
Sam: It had better not.
Frodo: So, you’re back in character now?
Faramir: Totally.
Frodo: We get our provisions!
Faramir: Uh, well, not exactly, no. We sorta don’t got any food here.
Frodo & Sam: Bogus.
Madril: Um, Captain Dude, not to ruin your Kodak moment, but if you let these bros go…
Frodo: Let me guess – he’ll DIE!
Faramir: Yeah! How’d you know?!
Frodo: A not so wild guess.
Sam: (still massively peeved) Can we go now?
Faramir: Yep. Let’s mosey! Just, don’t jump me, kay?
Sam: Don’t make me have to.
Chapter 61 – Fangorn Comes to Helm’s Deep
(Cut to Helm’s Deep. Super orcs are running away like sissy girls even though they still substantially outnumber the Horse Dudes. Maybe they’re afraid of the horses. But anyways, they run over the hill and into a honking huge forest that came from NOWHERE.)
Éomer: Keep away from the trees!
Aragorn: Why?
Éomer: Cuz hello! They came from NOWHERE!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah. Good call.
(And it is a good call, cuz just then the trees start swaying and groaning. Super orcs can be heard screaming for their lives.)
Aragorn: Ouch. Now that’s a messed up way to die. … Oh, well. Sucks to be them.
(Women are released from cave and Éowyn gets way clingy with Aragorn.)
Chapter 62 – The Final Tally
(Elsewhere, Legolas goes sauntering up to Gimli like he’s all that AND a bag of chips.)
Legolas: So, not to brag or nothing, but… I got 42! Thank you!
Gimli: 42? That’s way excellent, though not as excellent as me. I got … 43! Thank you VERY much!
(And they’re bragging about this because …? I mean, come on. They were fighting ALL NIGHT! Against TENS of THOUSANDS of super orcs. And they only got 42 and 43? That’s 5 per hour! Were they sleeping half of the time?!)
Legolas: No way, you did NOT get more than me!
Gimli: Like hell I did! Who rules now, huh, Little Prince Dumpling?
Legolas: Dumpling?! Why you – !
(Legolas lets loose an arrow at the super orc Gimli’s sitting on and it hits dangerously close to Gimli’s, er, nether regions.)
Legolas: 43! Ha!
Gimli: First, that was way uncalled for. Second, he was so already of the past tense.
Legolas: He was twitching.
Gimli: The only thing twitching around here is that vein about to pop in your forehead.
Legolas: I’ll show you what’s about to pop. (goes chasing after Gimli)
Continued in Part 18
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 16
Chapter 59: The Flooding of Isengard
(Meanwhile, the Ents are doing damage of their own, and are even finding the time to go bowling for orcs. Merry and Pippin get in on the action, throwing more ROCKS, hitting their target every time like good little hobbits. Some Ents go a little too far in their destruction and break the dam.)
Gum Tree Ent: TIDAL WAVE!
Merry: Aw man! I knew we shoulda brought our long boards.
Pippin: Dude, we’re like riding an Ent. How much longer do you need to get?
Merry: Good point, coz. Hang ten!
Pippin: Cowabunga, bro!
Caught-on-Fire Ent: Belly flop!
Merry: Ouch. Now you know that gotta hurt.
(Saruman sneaks out on the balcony to survey the damage and flood.)
Saruman: Dude, how am I gonna explain this to my insurance? Are we covered for floods?
Grima: Well, actually, we sorta only got liability only.
Saruman: WHAT?!
Chapter 60: The Tales That Really Mattered…
(Anyways, back at Osgiliath, Frodo finally loses it completely and succumbs to the call of the Ring. He goes up the wall to the Nazgul, who’s hovering on his Fell Beast. The Fell Beast and Frodo have a stare down, but it doesn’t last very long before Frodo starts to put on the Ring and thus completely ruin EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. But Sam conveniently gets to him before that happens. Faramir lets loose an ARROW, and this is miraculously enough to send the Fell Beast flying away. Gee, those things don’t have much of a pain tolerance, do they? Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam go tumbling down the stairs, again managing to NOT break ANYTHING. They reach the bottom of the stairs and Frodo holds his SWORD to Sam’s THROAT.)
Sam: Um, dude, what do you think you’re doing?
Frodo: (stares fiercely)
Sam: Hello! Middle Earth to Mr. Frodo! Anyone home up there?
Frodo: (stares less fiercely)
Sam: Dude, get this stupid sword OFF my throat, pronto! Snap out of it already! Don’t make me have to smack you.
Frodo: (snapping out of it) Sam?
Sam: Yes, it’s me. Sam. You’re bestest best bud ever, remember?
Frodo: What in the hell just happened?
Sam: Well, you were doing your rendition of Swan Lake, and then you got all crazed and tried to dish yourself up to the Black Dude.
Frodo: No way!
Sam: Way.
Frodo: You lie! I so did NOT do Swan Lake!
Sam: Fine then, The Nutcracker, whatever. Point is, you flipped big time.
Frodo: Aw, man, I knew I wasn’t cut out for this warrior-adventure crap. I can’t do this, bro.
Sam: I know. It’s all screwed up. By rights, we shouldn’t even be here. And you want to know what rights? Copyrights! I mean, HELLO! What are we doing here?! I mean, seriously, WHY are we HERE? WHEN THE FRICK DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?! Faramir’s all possessed, you’re acting like a raving loon, Gollum’s being cute! Cute! Him! EW! If we don’t get outta here pronto, I’M going to lose it next. I mean, talk about biffing up the plot. I don’t even think we’re in the right story no more! (cut to Isengard) The Ents are a bunch of frickin brain deads; you can’t even define their level of stupidity. And they need Merry and Pippin to trick them into fighting?! What’s that about?! (cut to Helm’s Deep) Why, why, WHY would Aragorn going FLYING over a cliff?! WHY I ask you!!! What’s the point in that?! And Theoden King’s getting pushed all over the place by EVERYBODY, letting Aragorn take command of HIS army at HIS fortress in HIS battle – with ELVES? ELVES!! What the frick are Elves doing there? And Gimli – SO NOT FUNNY! (back to Osgiliath) Now you go and basically advertise the Ring’s exact location to the Big Bad Dark Dude. So much for secrecy! We might as well just sit our keisters down now and wait for them to come collect us, cuz by all logical reasoning, there’s no way we’re getting outta here undetected! They’re jacking up the story, making up crap and changing stuff around for NO GOOD REASON! No wonder everyone’s all confused. And seriously, I’ve had it! I’m mad as hell, and I ain’t taking it no more! SCREW THE SCREENWRITERS! SCREW THE SCRIPT! I’m so getting outta here, and you’re totally coming with me!
(Goes over and pulls Frodo off the floor.)
Frodo: Dude, that was beautiful, bro! I LOVE you man! Let’s get up outta here!
Faramir: Not so fast.
Sam: Dude, you do NOT want to get in my way.
Faramir: No worries. I’m not gonna. I just, you see, it’s Boromir, he’s, well……………… I was a massive prick and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, kay?
Sam: It had better not.
Frodo: So, you’re back in character now?
Faramir: Totally.
Frodo: We get our provisions!
Faramir: Uh, well, not exactly, no. We sorta don’t got any food here.
Frodo & Sam: Bogus.
Madril: Um, Captain Dude, not to ruin your Kodak moment, but if you let these bros go…
Frodo: Let me guess – he’ll DIE!
Faramir: Yeah! How’d you know?!
Frodo: A not so wild guess.
Sam: (still massively peeved) Can we go now?
Faramir: Yep. Let’s mosey! Just, don’t jump me, kay?
Sam: Don’t make me have to.
Chapter 61 – Fangorn Comes to Helm’s Deep
(Cut to Helm’s Deep. Super orcs are running away like sissy girls even though they still substantially outnumber the Horse Dudes. Maybe they’re afraid of the horses. But anyways, they run over the hill and into a honking huge forest that came from NOWHERE.)
Éomer: Keep away from the trees!
Aragorn: Why?
Éomer: Cuz hello! They came from NOWHERE!
Aragorn: Oh, yeah. Good call.
(And it is a good call, cuz just then the trees start swaying and groaning. Super orcs can be heard screaming for their lives.)
Aragorn: Ouch. Now that’s a messed up way to die. … Oh, well. Sucks to be them.
(Women are released from cave and Éowyn gets way clingy with Aragorn.)
Chapter 62 – The Final Tally
(Elsewhere, Legolas goes sauntering up to Gimli like he’s all that AND a bag of chips.)
Legolas: So, not to brag or nothing, but… I got 42! Thank you!
Gimli: 42? That’s way excellent, though not as excellent as me. I got … 43! Thank you VERY much!
(And they’re bragging about this because …? I mean, come on. They were fighting ALL NIGHT! Against TENS of THOUSANDS of super orcs. And they only got 42 and 43? That’s 5 per hour! Were they sleeping half of the time?!)
Legolas: No way, you did NOT get more than me!
Gimli: Like hell I did! Who rules now, huh, Little Prince Dumpling?
Legolas: Dumpling?! Why you – !
(Legolas lets loose an arrow at the super orc Gimli’s sitting on and it hits dangerously close to Gimli’s, er, nether regions.)
Legolas: 43! Ha!
Gimli: First, that was way uncalled for. Second, he was so already of the past tense.
Legolas: He was twitching.
Gimli: The only thing twitching around here is that vein about to pop in your forehead.
Legolas: I’ll show you what’s about to pop. (goes chasing after Gimli)
Continued in Part 18
Tags:
