The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 14
Chapter 49: The Battle of the Hornburg
(The Horse Dudes and Elves have finished their preparations and are kicking back, waiting for the super orcs who are moseying along, taking their sweet time.)
Gimli: Dude, this freakin wall’s getting in my way. You just had to stand here didn’t you? How am I sposed to see anything?
Legolas: Oh, get over yourself.
Gimli: (to Aragorn) I’m not so sure ‘bout this plan, man. These super orcs aren’t THAT dense.
(Cue lightening)
Legolas: It’ll work, oh ye of little faith. They won’t even see it coming.
Gimli: No doubts there.
(Cue rain)
Theoden: Awesome! Now we’ll have mud pits!
(Various shots of super orcs moseying, men and elves waiting, and women being weepy moany.)
Aragorn: A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas. Kay, now, listen up! We’re just trying to dwindle their numbers a little, right? But we don’t want em catching on too quick, so don’t go shooting all at once.
(Super orcs finally arrive and stop in a line. They start pounding their staffs on the ground to the tune of “We Will Rock You.”)
Gimli: They’re doing Queen!
Legolas: Bummer. Now we can’t do “Another One Bites the Dust.”
(Random Old Geezer stands up on wall and gets the super orcs’ attention. Super orcs pause in their scare tactics to see what’s up.)
Random Old Geezer: SUPER BROS! WELCOME! TO HORNSTOCK!
Random Super Orc #1982: Hornstock? Dude, this is a concert?
Random Super Orc #8297: Dude, so THAT’S why Sharkey was singing!
Super Orcs: Sweet!
Gimli: Wow, that was easy.
Theoden: It’s a Magical Mystery War.
Aragorn: Yep, and I am the Walrus.
Theoden: I sooo don’t think so!
Aragorn: Ah, let’s not get distracted on the details, kay? You’re on Haldir!
(Haldir and several back-up elves take center stage.)
Haldir: Are you bros ready to rock ‘n’ roll?!
Super Orcs: ROCK! ROCK! ROCK!
Theoden: So it begins. Hit it!
Haldir: (singing)
Back in black, I hit the sack I've been too long I'm glad to be back [I bet you know I'm...] Yes, I'm let loose, from the noose That's kept me hanging about…
Aragorn: Tangado a chadad! Kay, bros, let’s try picking off the orcs on the edges and workin our way inward.
Legolas: Faeg i-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc! This is almost too easy. That should probly mean something to us.
Aragorn: Dartho! Let’s do this thing!
(Elves shoot randomly. So far, so good.)
Haldir: (singing)
Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste I’ve been around for a long, long year Stole many a man’s soul and faith…
Gimli: Is it working?! Is it working?!
Legolas: Dude, it’s so sweet! They’re totally falling for it!
Theoden: Get that strobe light going. It’ll daze and confuse em – buy us more time.
(Cue strobe light. Some men shot randomly. Still good.)
Haldir: (singing)
Welcome to the jungle we’ve got fun and games We got everything you want honey, we know the names We are the people that can find whatever you many need If you got the money honey we got your disease
Aragorn: Hado i philinn! Go for that cluster over there!
Gimli: (to Haldir) Do Led Zeppelin! “Misty Mountain Hop!” “Ramble On!”
Legolas: “Battle of Evermore!”
Haldir & Back-up Elves: (singing)
Queen of Light took her bow And then she turned to go The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom And walked the night alone. Oh dance in the dark of night Sing to the morning light. The dark lord rides in force tonight And time will tell us all…
Legolas: Ha-ha!
Gimli: No fair.
Super Orcs: Let’s storm the stage!
Aragorn: No! No storming the stage, or this concert is totally cancelled!
Super Orcs: Bogus!
Haldir & Back-up Elves: (continuing)
…oh well, the night is long The beads of time pass slow Tired eyes on the sunrise Waiting for the eastern glow. The pain of war cannot exceed The woe of aftermath, The drums will shake the castle wall The ring wraiths ride in black, Ride on!…
Random Super Orc #3482: (holding up a lighter) This song so totally rules, right Bob? (looks around) Bob? Where you at? (sees Bob lying dead with an arrow sticking out his chest) Dude! It’s a diversion! They’re shooting at us!
Super Orcs: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
Aragorn: Pendraith! Pendraith! Na fennas! Gig’s up! Gig’s up! Fire at will! Haldir, get back here!
Haldir: But, we were gonna do “Stairway to Heaven” next.
Aragorn: Dude, you’ll be walking the stairway if you don’t get back up here pronto!
(Haldir and back-up Elves get back on the wall. Super orcs storm the stage and start breaching the wall. Elves go hand to hand while men stand around and do NOTHING.)
Chapter 50: Old Entish
(Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are recovering from their crash course lesson when they suddenly notice that the Ents have FINALLY stopped talking.)
Treebeard: So, like, we put our noggins together, and we totally agreed…
(Long pause)
Merry: Yes?
Treebeard: Huh? … Oh! Yeah! Uh, we agreed that you are NOT squish toys!
Pippin: Dude, didn’t Gandalf already tell you that?
Treebead: Yeah, but he didn’t tell THEM that, duh! That’s why we had to agree.
Merry: Look, that’s great. We’re totally appreciative and everything, but don’t you think it’s time to talk about Sharkey already? I mean, he IS the reason you’re all here in the first place.
Treebead: Chill, already. Do I got to keep telling you? Geez!
Merry: Look, Woodie, our pals and coz are out there. They need our help! Though admittedly, we’d probly just get in the way. But that’s not the point! The point is, you gotta help!
Treebeard: Totally with you on that one, little dude. The war’s taking its toll on everybody. But you gotta understand, little dude, we Ents don’t like being rushed. Plus, we gotta translate all these new words into Old Entish, and that may take awhile.
(He goes back to the Moot.)
Merry: I’ve created a monster.
Pippin: Good going, coz.
Merry: You helped!
Pippin: Yeah, but it was YOUR idea.
Chapter 51: The Breach of the Deeping Wall
(Battle battle fight fight massive slaughterage! Aragorn notices some super orcs making their way up the ramp.)
Aragorn: Hado ribed! Super orcs! 11 o’clock!
Theoden: (completely oblivious) Dude, this is it? I was expecting more. Personally, I’m kinda insulted.
(And thus, Theoden jinxes EVERYBODY. More slaughterage. Legolas spots something strange approaching the wall.)
Legolas: Dude, weren’t the Olympic Games last year?
Gimli: Yeah.
Legolas: That’s what I thought.
Aragorn: (spotting Beserker Orc) Togo hon dad, Legolas! Dago hon! Legolas! What are you waiting for! Shoot him already!
Legolas: Kay, I’ll try.
(He shoots TWICE and doesn’t kill the berserker orc. What’s up with that?)
Aragorn: Legolas! He’s not a pincushion! Shoot him DEAD!
Legolas: I can’t, kay! I promised! It was the only way to get out of Mary Sue Land!
Aragorn: Dude, I don’t even know what to say to that.
(Just then, the berserker reaches the wall: BOOM! Massive explosion, followed by mandatory multi-angled replay shots and shots of women panicking in the caves.)
Theoden: Oh, crap. That is not good. (sees super orcs still making their way up the ramp and now they have a BATTERING RAM) Definitely not good. BRACE THE GATE! PRONTO!
(Men brace the gate and throw rocks. Yeah, that’ll show em. Meanwhile, Aragorn’s playing in the water let loose by the explosion.)
Aragorn: Ugh! Not another bath!
Gimli: Look out Ranger Dude! Cannonball!
(He jumps down on some super orcs, takes two whole swings and promptly trips over his own feet.)
Aragorn: Herio! Attack! Kick some orc butt!
(Meanwhile, Legolas goes surfing down the stairs.)
Legolas: Hang ten!
Random Super Orc #127: Dude, that was awesome! You so rule, bro!
Legolas: Thanks, man! … I mean… (stabs orc)
(More massive slaughterage.)
Chapter 52: The Entmoot Decides
Treebeard: So, like, we’ve finally decided kay? We aren’t gonna do nothing.
Pippin: WHAT?! But… but… You know what, I can’t even pretend to be surprised.
Merry: I can. What the frick are you talking about, not fight! What about big mean Sharkey knocking down all your trees!
Treebeard: Dude, just cuz we like to gripe, doesn’t mean we’re gonna DO anything about it. Sides, this ain’t our war.
Merry: Hello! KNOCKING! DOWN! TREES! Not your war?! Come on! Give me a break! I didn’t go through all this torment for nothing!
Ents: Um, well, uh…
Merry: I’ve heard of denser than wood, but this is ridiculous.
Treebeard: Hey, man, no need to get personal. It’s so time for you to go now.
Merry: But… but… but…
(Little while later, Merry’s finally stopped stammering.)
Pippin: You know, bro, I hate to admit it, but he’s got a solid point. We sooo don’t belong here. I mean, look at us. We’re just a coupla half-pint good for nothings. All we do is cause trouble. Sides, we’ve got the Shire-Hood. What more could you ask for?
Merry: You don’t get it, do you coz? There won’t BE a Shire, Pippin!
Pippin: Why? Where will it be?
Merry: It won’t BE anywhere.
Pippin: How can it just disappear? You’re making no sense coz, and that’s saying a lot coming from me.
Merry: Look, bro, sooner or later, they’re gonna be knocking down our trees, and burning our woods, and we’ll have nothing. Get it now?!
Pippin: (blinks) (pause) But… why would they be burning down our trees? That’s kind of a long way to be cartin’ firewood. It’s not cost effective.
Merry: (wigging big time) AAAARRRRGGGG! (pulls out hair) You… just… trees and… stupid… nifty with the frickin’ little…
Pippin: You alright, bro? You ain’t lookin’ so good.
Merry: (sighing in defeat) Let’s just go.
Chapter 53: The Retreat to the Hornburg
(Meanwhile, at Helm’s Deep – more massive slaughterage!)
Theoden: Ranger Dude! What the freak you doing down there, man! Get back behind the wall!
Aragorn: What wall?
Theoden: Just humor me!
Aragorn: Kay, geez! Haldir! Get behind the wall!
Haldir: Gotcha bro!
Random Super Orc #912: That’s what you think.
(Super orc knocks Haldir upside the head and he DIES!)
Aragorn: Haldir! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Stricken with grief, he flings himself at the enemy. Yeah, sacrifice yourself, that’ll show em! But somehow, he manages not to die. Orcs finally break through the gate and Theoden finally decides to FIGHT! For two whole seconds. Before he gets injured. What a loser. Aragorn and Gimli go to help and get a bad idea.)
Aragorn: Dude, let’s go through this totally secret yet convenient side door that no one apparently knows about, jump over to the ramp and DIE so they can make feeble attempts to repair the gate that won’t do any good anyway and thus make our sacrifice completely useless.
Gimli: Kay, but you’re gonna have to throw me.
Aragorn: Excellent! I rule at dwarf tossing!
Gimli: And no telling the Elf.
Aragorn: Oh, yeah, sure, no telling the Elf, whatever.
(They go out door, jump onto ramp and even though they’re completely outnumbered, they still manage to kick super orc butt. Elsewhere, orcs get MEGA HUMUNGOID LADDERS and start scaling the walls. Legolas gets his groove back and shoots one of the ladders down. Then he notices that Aragorn and Gimli have somehow managed not to die and pulls them up the wall with some ROPE that he got from absolutely NOWHERE. Super orcs finally break through the gate.)
Theoden: Ah, crap! Fall back! Take cover!
Gamling: Save yourselves!
(Everyone runs away like sissy girls.)
Continued in Part 16
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 14
Chapter 49: The Battle of the Hornburg
(The Horse Dudes and Elves have finished their preparations and are kicking back, waiting for the super orcs who are moseying along, taking their sweet time.)
Gimli: Dude, this freakin wall’s getting in my way. You just had to stand here didn’t you? How am I sposed to see anything?
Legolas: Oh, get over yourself.
Gimli: (to Aragorn) I’m not so sure ‘bout this plan, man. These super orcs aren’t THAT dense.
(Cue lightening)
Legolas: It’ll work, oh ye of little faith. They won’t even see it coming.
Gimli: No doubts there.
(Cue rain)
Theoden: Awesome! Now we’ll have mud pits!
(Various shots of super orcs moseying, men and elves waiting, and women being weepy moany.)
Aragorn: A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas. Kay, now, listen up! We’re just trying to dwindle their numbers a little, right? But we don’t want em catching on too quick, so don’t go shooting all at once.
(Super orcs finally arrive and stop in a line. They start pounding their staffs on the ground to the tune of “We Will Rock You.”)
Gimli: They’re doing Queen!
Legolas: Bummer. Now we can’t do “Another One Bites the Dust.”
(Random Old Geezer stands up on wall and gets the super orcs’ attention. Super orcs pause in their scare tactics to see what’s up.)
Random Old Geezer: SUPER BROS! WELCOME! TO HORNSTOCK!
Random Super Orc #1982: Hornstock? Dude, this is a concert?
Random Super Orc #8297: Dude, so THAT’S why Sharkey was singing!
Super Orcs: Sweet!
Gimli: Wow, that was easy.
Theoden: It’s a Magical Mystery War.
Aragorn: Yep, and I am the Walrus.
Theoden: I sooo don’t think so!
Aragorn: Ah, let’s not get distracted on the details, kay? You’re on Haldir!
(Haldir and several back-up elves take center stage.)
Haldir: Are you bros ready to rock ‘n’ roll?!
Super Orcs: ROCK! ROCK! ROCK!
Theoden: So it begins. Hit it!
Haldir: (singing)
Back in black, I hit the sack I've been too long I'm glad to be back [I bet you know I'm...] Yes, I'm let loose, from the noose That's kept me hanging about…
Aragorn: Tangado a chadad! Kay, bros, let’s try picking off the orcs on the edges and workin our way inward.
Legolas: Faeg i-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc! This is almost too easy. That should probly mean something to us.
Aragorn: Dartho! Let’s do this thing!
(Elves shoot randomly. So far, so good.)
Haldir: (singing)
Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste I’ve been around for a long, long year Stole many a man’s soul and faith…
Gimli: Is it working?! Is it working?!
Legolas: Dude, it’s so sweet! They’re totally falling for it!
Theoden: Get that strobe light going. It’ll daze and confuse em – buy us more time.
(Cue strobe light. Some men shot randomly. Still good.)
Haldir: (singing)
Welcome to the jungle we’ve got fun and games We got everything you want honey, we know the names We are the people that can find whatever you many need If you got the money honey we got your disease
Aragorn: Hado i philinn! Go for that cluster over there!
Gimli: (to Haldir) Do Led Zeppelin! “Misty Mountain Hop!” “Ramble On!”
Legolas: “Battle of Evermore!”
Haldir & Back-up Elves: (singing)
Queen of Light took her bow And then she turned to go The Prince of Peace embraced the gloom And walked the night alone. Oh dance in the dark of night Sing to the morning light. The dark lord rides in force tonight And time will tell us all…
Legolas: Ha-ha!
Gimli: No fair.
Super Orcs: Let’s storm the stage!
Aragorn: No! No storming the stage, or this concert is totally cancelled!
Super Orcs: Bogus!
Haldir & Back-up Elves: (continuing)
…oh well, the night is long The beads of time pass slow Tired eyes on the sunrise Waiting for the eastern glow. The pain of war cannot exceed The woe of aftermath, The drums will shake the castle wall The ring wraiths ride in black, Ride on!…
Random Super Orc #3482: (holding up a lighter) This song so totally rules, right Bob? (looks around) Bob? Where you at? (sees Bob lying dead with an arrow sticking out his chest) Dude! It’s a diversion! They’re shooting at us!
Super Orcs: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
Aragorn: Pendraith! Pendraith! Na fennas! Gig’s up! Gig’s up! Fire at will! Haldir, get back here!
Haldir: But, we were gonna do “Stairway to Heaven” next.
Aragorn: Dude, you’ll be walking the stairway if you don’t get back up here pronto!
(Haldir and back-up Elves get back on the wall. Super orcs storm the stage and start breaching the wall. Elves go hand to hand while men stand around and do NOTHING.)
Chapter 50: Old Entish
(Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are recovering from their crash course lesson when they suddenly notice that the Ents have FINALLY stopped talking.)
Treebeard: So, like, we put our noggins together, and we totally agreed…
(Long pause)
Merry: Yes?
Treebeard: Huh? … Oh! Yeah! Uh, we agreed that you are NOT squish toys!
Pippin: Dude, didn’t Gandalf already tell you that?
Treebead: Yeah, but he didn’t tell THEM that, duh! That’s why we had to agree.
Merry: Look, that’s great. We’re totally appreciative and everything, but don’t you think it’s time to talk about Sharkey already? I mean, he IS the reason you’re all here in the first place.
Treebead: Chill, already. Do I got to keep telling you? Geez!
Merry: Look, Woodie, our pals and coz are out there. They need our help! Though admittedly, we’d probly just get in the way. But that’s not the point! The point is, you gotta help!
Treebeard: Totally with you on that one, little dude. The war’s taking its toll on everybody. But you gotta understand, little dude, we Ents don’t like being rushed. Plus, we gotta translate all these new words into Old Entish, and that may take awhile.
(He goes back to the Moot.)
Merry: I’ve created a monster.
Pippin: Good going, coz.
Merry: You helped!
Pippin: Yeah, but it was YOUR idea.
Chapter 51: The Breach of the Deeping Wall
(Battle battle fight fight massive slaughterage! Aragorn notices some super orcs making their way up the ramp.)
Aragorn: Hado ribed! Super orcs! 11 o’clock!
Theoden: (completely oblivious) Dude, this is it? I was expecting more. Personally, I’m kinda insulted.
(And thus, Theoden jinxes EVERYBODY. More slaughterage. Legolas spots something strange approaching the wall.)
Legolas: Dude, weren’t the Olympic Games last year?
Gimli: Yeah.
Legolas: That’s what I thought.
Aragorn: (spotting Beserker Orc) Togo hon dad, Legolas! Dago hon! Legolas! What are you waiting for! Shoot him already!
Legolas: Kay, I’ll try.
(He shoots TWICE and doesn’t kill the berserker orc. What’s up with that?)
Aragorn: Legolas! He’s not a pincushion! Shoot him DEAD!
Legolas: I can’t, kay! I promised! It was the only way to get out of Mary Sue Land!
Aragorn: Dude, I don’t even know what to say to that.
(Just then, the berserker reaches the wall: BOOM! Massive explosion, followed by mandatory multi-angled replay shots and shots of women panicking in the caves.)
Theoden: Oh, crap. That is not good. (sees super orcs still making their way up the ramp and now they have a BATTERING RAM) Definitely not good. BRACE THE GATE! PRONTO!
(Men brace the gate and throw rocks. Yeah, that’ll show em. Meanwhile, Aragorn’s playing in the water let loose by the explosion.)
Aragorn: Ugh! Not another bath!
Gimli: Look out Ranger Dude! Cannonball!
(He jumps down on some super orcs, takes two whole swings and promptly trips over his own feet.)
Aragorn: Herio! Attack! Kick some orc butt!
(Meanwhile, Legolas goes surfing down the stairs.)
Legolas: Hang ten!
Random Super Orc #127: Dude, that was awesome! You so rule, bro!
Legolas: Thanks, man! … I mean… (stabs orc)
(More massive slaughterage.)
Chapter 52: The Entmoot Decides
Treebeard: So, like, we’ve finally decided kay? We aren’t gonna do nothing.
Pippin: WHAT?! But… but… You know what, I can’t even pretend to be surprised.
Merry: I can. What the frick are you talking about, not fight! What about big mean Sharkey knocking down all your trees!
Treebeard: Dude, just cuz we like to gripe, doesn’t mean we’re gonna DO anything about it. Sides, this ain’t our war.
Merry: Hello! KNOCKING! DOWN! TREES! Not your war?! Come on! Give me a break! I didn’t go through all this torment for nothing!
Ents: Um, well, uh…
Merry: I’ve heard of denser than wood, but this is ridiculous.
Treebeard: Hey, man, no need to get personal. It’s so time for you to go now.
Merry: But… but… but…
(Little while later, Merry’s finally stopped stammering.)
Pippin: You know, bro, I hate to admit it, but he’s got a solid point. We sooo don’t belong here. I mean, look at us. We’re just a coupla half-pint good for nothings. All we do is cause trouble. Sides, we’ve got the Shire-Hood. What more could you ask for?
Merry: You don’t get it, do you coz? There won’t BE a Shire, Pippin!
Pippin: Why? Where will it be?
Merry: It won’t BE anywhere.
Pippin: How can it just disappear? You’re making no sense coz, and that’s saying a lot coming from me.
Merry: Look, bro, sooner or later, they’re gonna be knocking down our trees, and burning our woods, and we’ll have nothing. Get it now?!
Pippin: (blinks) (pause) But… why would they be burning down our trees? That’s kind of a long way to be cartin’ firewood. It’s not cost effective.
Merry: (wigging big time) AAAARRRRGGGG! (pulls out hair) You… just… trees and… stupid… nifty with the frickin’ little…
Pippin: You alright, bro? You ain’t lookin’ so good.
Merry: (sighing in defeat) Let’s just go.
Chapter 53: The Retreat to the Hornburg
(Meanwhile, at Helm’s Deep – more massive slaughterage!)
Theoden: Ranger Dude! What the freak you doing down there, man! Get back behind the wall!
Aragorn: What wall?
Theoden: Just humor me!
Aragorn: Kay, geez! Haldir! Get behind the wall!
Haldir: Gotcha bro!
Random Super Orc #912: That’s what you think.
(Super orc knocks Haldir upside the head and he DIES!)
Aragorn: Haldir! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Stricken with grief, he flings himself at the enemy. Yeah, sacrifice yourself, that’ll show em! But somehow, he manages not to die. Orcs finally break through the gate and Theoden finally decides to FIGHT! For two whole seconds. Before he gets injured. What a loser. Aragorn and Gimli go to help and get a bad idea.)
Aragorn: Dude, let’s go through this totally secret yet convenient side door that no one apparently knows about, jump over to the ramp and DIE so they can make feeble attempts to repair the gate that won’t do any good anyway and thus make our sacrifice completely useless.
Gimli: Kay, but you’re gonna have to throw me.
Aragorn: Excellent! I rule at dwarf tossing!
Gimli: And no telling the Elf.
Aragorn: Oh, yeah, sure, no telling the Elf, whatever.
(They go out door, jump onto ramp and even though they’re completely outnumbered, they still manage to kick super orc butt. Elsewhere, orcs get MEGA HUMUNGOID LADDERS and start scaling the walls. Legolas gets his groove back and shoots one of the ladders down. Then he notices that Aragorn and Gimli have somehow managed not to die and pulls them up the wall with some ROPE that he got from absolutely NOWHERE. Super orcs finally break through the gate.)
Theoden: Ah, crap! Fall back! Take cover!
Gamling: Save yourselves!
(Everyone runs away like sissy girls.)
Continued in Part 16
