The Dude Towers
May. 15th, 2010 05:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 13
Chapter 43: Aragorn’s Return
(Aragorn comes riding onto screen, like someone out of a western, and spies Saruman’s horribly marching super orcs.)
Aragorn: Oh, crap, this is gonna take awhile. (takes deep breath) Let’s see, now … One, two, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… (a gazillion hours later) 9,997. 9,998. 9,999. 10,000. … Dude, like, that’s a LOT of super orcs.
(Several impressive travel shots later, Aragorn arrives at Helm’s Deep.)
Gimli: Where is he? You twerpy little Ranger! What’d ya think you’re playing at, bro? That was sooo not cool! I LOVE you man!
Aragorn: (not to be outdone in displays of affection) Yeah, whatever, bro. Like, where’s the Dude? I gotta see him urgently.
(Aragorn goes off looking for the king and runs into Legolas.)
Legolas: Le abdollen. Ah, man, we were just getting ready to split. And you look like crap bro. Dude, didn’t you just dive into a river? You should be at least a little clean.
Aragorn: Good to see you too, bro.
(Eowyn hears him and starts drooling, but before she can go make a fool of herself, Legolas gives the Evenstar pendant back to Aragorn.)
Aragorn: Hannon le. Dude, you’re a lifesaver, bro! Majorly!
(Little while later, Aragorn makes his GRAND ENTERANCE in SUPER SLOW MO into Theoden’s chamber.)
Theoden: (not even slightly impressed that Aragorn’s still alive) Dude, haven’t you ever heard of knocking? So rude. We’re in the middle of a pow-wow here.
Aragorn: Like, I was raised in the woods, man. You don’t go knocking on wood.
Theoden: You don’t? Are you sure?
Gamling: Yeah, cuz isn’t that sposed to be good luck or something?
Aragorn: Well, in that case, get knockin’, cuz there’s 10,000 super orcs coming this way even as we waste time. So, where’s the Old Wiz Dude. We gotta strategize.
Theoden: How should we know? He skid-addled before we left Edoras, remember?
Aragorn: But, it’s the fourth day! He said he’d be here by now! He’s not here?!
Theoden: Nope, bro, you got stood up.
Aragorn: Aw, man! You know, this is so typical of him. First Bree, and now this! ‘A wizard’s never late.’ Yeah, right!
(Theoden gives Aragorn the tour, with Legolas and Gimli in tow.)
Theoden: (to Gamling) Go gather up all the older lads, and the not so older men, kay? Oh, but don’t tell them why, not yet anyways. (Gamling walks off and everyone else follows Theoden outside) We totally got our keisters covered. No way anybody’s getting in here without our knowing it.
Gimli: Oh, you’ll know it all right. They aren’t exactly stealthy, you know. And all that armor just makes em all clanky-like.
Theoden: Yeah, that’s just like what I said, but less positive.
(They go back inside and walk along the wall.)
Theoden: The super orcs will come, burning and maiming like always. We’ve seen it before, it’s nothing we can’t handle. And sides which, they really kinda suck at it. We’ll be totally sitting pretty while we stay here.
Aragorn: (speaking LOUDLY) I don’t think you get it, bro. 10,000 SUPER ORCS equals major bad mojo. You’re gonna be pulverized, for sure. And I mean everybody, even the WOMEN and CHILDREN.
Theoden: (speaking quietly) Dude! Shoosh it already! Geez! Don’t you think I know that? But seriously, no need to go shouting it from the walls and bumming my men out. They’re bummed enough already. Excuse me for trying to give them a little hope!
Aragorn: Oh, sorry, I didn’t get that’s what you were doing. … So, um, why don’t you call for help then?
Theoden: Yeah, and who’s gonna come, huh? More dwarves? We don’t need anymore comic relief, kay. Or maybe more of you Elf bros will show up at the last minute.
Aragorn: Hey, it could happen. The way this movie’s been going, ANYTHING’S possible.
Theoden: Oh, really? Well, then, maybe we’ll ring up Gondor and see if they’ll come too. You know, just like they didn’t all those other times before.
Aragorn: Dude, don’t be dissin’ Gondor. That ain’t right.
Theoden: Whatever, bro. (stalks off) Get all the dudettes and pip squeaks into the caves! We’re going to WAR! There! Now, EVERYBODY knows! Happy now?!
Chapter 44: Entmoot
(Meanwhile, back in Fangorn, Merry and Pippin are trying not to hyperventilate.)
Treebeard: We Ent-bros haven’t butted in on the wars of Dudes and Wiz Dudes for like, forever man, cuz the last time was totally bogus. But not anymore. We’re getting jiggy with it, at Entmoot Central.
Pippin: This isn’t happening.
Merry: Please, be a dream. (pinches himself) OW! Dang it!
Treebeard: Here they come!
(Just then, more Ents come outta nowhere.)
Ents: Howdy, y’all!
Merry: Ah, man! It’s starting all over again!
Pippin: This can’t be happening.
Treebeard: Beech, Oak, Ash, Pine, Palm, Banana, Gum. Good. Very marjorly awesome!
Ents: Awesome? Awe. Some. Awes. Ome.
Pippin: Well, back to square one.
Merry: This sucks.
Ents: Sucks!
Treebeard: Yep, bros, this war sucks big time. So, what we gonna do bout it? Should we rumble or not? Who’s got the Pros list? I’m doing Cons.
Chapter 45: The Glittering Caves
(The Rohan peasants are moseying along at their usual pace as they make their way to the caves. Aragorn’s shouting orders like he owns the place.)
Aragorn: Get the reserves outta retirment and stick em on the wall, already.
Legolas: Dude, I know you got this whole John Wayne vibe going, and I’m totally supportive, but like, you gotta sleep bro. You’re looking more like the living dead right about now. It’s not pretty.
(Aragorn doesn’t have time to respond, cuz just then, Eowyn comes running up, apparently still determined to make a fool of herself.)
Eowyn: Ranger Dude! It’s sooo not fair! They’re trying to stick me in the caves with the women.
Aragorn: Yeah, cuz you’re a woman.
Eowyn: Oh, so that means I gotta huddle in the dark with some big-eyed little kid and get all weepy moany? That’s so cliché! Where’s the dignitude in that?
Aragorn: Look, dudette, I’d totally help you out, but my girlfriend, she’d know. She ALWAYS knows. ‘Sides, most likely, we’re all gonna die, so you’ll have plenty of slicing and dicing of your own to do. So, see, it’s all good. ………… No, wait, that ain’t good.
Eowyn: Ah, come on, bro, let me stay with you. Your girlfriend’s leaving anyway, ain’t she?
Aragorn: Well, I thought she was, but she’s still hovering about – literally. It’s kinda freaky.
Eowyn: Whatever, bro. Can I stay with you or not?
Aragorn: I’m voting not. The Dude would never allow it.
Eowyn: But the Elf and Dwarf Dude get to stay! They get to fight, cuz they love you man!
Aragorn: Now just what are you trying to imply, babe?
Eowyn: Oh, never mind. (stalks off)
(Cut to caves. Cue weepy moany women clinging to their sons and husbands. And Eowyn changes her hairdo AGAIN!)
(Cut to the armory. All the men and boys are suiting up. Legolas decides this would be a good time to have a major hissy fit.)
Legolas: Dude, this blows!
Aragorn: Tell me about it. What are a bunch of farmers sposed to do? Hoe the enemy to death?
Gimli: Yeah, and half of ‘em are older than dirt.
Legolas: And the rest haven’t even hit puberty yet. I mean, look it! They’re bout ready to whiz their shorts. Boe a hyn neled herain dan caer menig. And who can blame them. 300? Against 10,000? Outnumbered much?
Aragorn: Si, beriathar hyn ammaeg na ned Edoras. Well, look at it this way. If Sharkey’s gotta send 10,000 super orcs to kill 300 men, then they can’t be all that. We gotta chance!
Legolas: Aragorn, nedin dagor hen ú-'erir ortheri. Natha daged dhaer. Dude, don’t delude yourself! We’re totally screwed. We’re all gonna DIE!
Aragorn: Then I shall DIE as one of them!
(The old men gasp and grab their hearts, the little kids start crying.)
Legolas: Um, dude, wrong language.
Aragorn: Oh… whoops. (goes away quickly)
Gimli: “Every man dies, not every man truly lives!”
Legolas: Now how does that help?
Gimli: What? That’s a way righteous movie.
Legolas: But I’m sposed to be young and beautiful forever!
Gimli: Oh, get over yourself.
Chapter 46: “Where Is The Horse and The Rider?”
(Meanwhile, Theoden’s getting prepped for battle. Or, rather, he’s standing there like a lazy son of a gun while Gamling puts his armor on for him.)
Gamling: Every little bro and old geezer are suited up and ready to get pummled.
Theoden: Who am I, Gamling?
(Ok, so, what’s with all the leaders in this movie not remembering their names? First Gandalf, now Theoden. What the heck!)
Gamling: Um, you’re our Dude, dude.
Theoden: And do you trust your Dude, bro?
Gamling: Well, sure, I mean, we sorta got to don’t we?
Theoden: Totally. … (looks down at map where a bunch of little toy soldiers are arranged on it doing battle) So, um, where are the horse and the rider, and that little horn thingie?
Gamling: Dude, you lost them again?
Theoden: I had them when we were coming over the mountains. Or maybe that was through the meadows. Oh! I know! I lost them in that shadow over there, in the corner.
Gamling: I’ll go get them, don’t bother moving or nothing, geez!
Chapter 47: “Don’t Be Hasty, Master Meriadoc!”
(Cut back to Entmoot. Merry and Pippin are banging their heads trying to knock themselves unconscious.)
Pippin: This ain’t working. We’re just too thick headed. Who’da thought?
Merry: I can’t take anymore of this. We’re gonna have to dude-ify them all.
Pippin: Do we got time?
Merry: We’ll give em the crash course. It’ll be hard on everyone, but it’s gotta be done.
Pippin: But, maybe they already decided to fight?
Treebeard: Nope, bro, we just finished saying Howdy.
Merry: What?! Dude! It’s nighttime, hello!
Ents: Howdy!
Merry: Oh, don’t start! Look, bros, this is taking way too long.
Treebeard: Chill, bro, it’s all good.
Merry: No, it isn’t! Too much more of this and we’re gonna lose it. And trust me, that is never pretty.
Pippin: Right, so, crash course it is. Come on, coz, for our own good. And theirs.
Chapter 48: The Host of the Eldar
(Back at Helm’s Deep, men are scrambling about while Aragorn sits on his keister and mopes. He sees a boy handling a sword uncertainly.)
Aragorn: Hey, kid! Over here pronto!
Kid: Hey, man, whattup?
Aragorn: Nice sword you got there, little bro. Mind if I give it a swing?
Kid: Go for it. (watches while Aragorn shows off; he doesn’t seem impressed.) So, like, the old geezers are saying we’re all gonna DIE!
Aragorn: What’s your name?
Kid: Haleth, son of Hama.
Aragorn: Oh, sorry bout your old man, bro, but I doubt your head’ll get bitten off. Leastways, I didn’t see any wargs with em. So, see, always a silver lining!
Haleth: Um, thanks?
Aragorn: No prob, little dude! … Aw! I have a ‘little dude’ again!
Haleth: Kay. … Can I go now?
Aragorn: Sure thing, little dude! I gotta go suit up!
(Aragorn goes to suit up, like someone out of a western. Dang, he really is in a John Wayne vibe, isn’t he? Legolas hands him his sword.)
Legolas: Sorry about being such a drama queen earlier. We good, man?
Aragorn: U-moe edaved, Legolas. Totally, bro, no prob. You’re my boy!
Legolas: Excellent!
Gimli: (coming outta nowhere, wearing chain mail that’s way too long for him) Dude, this thing’s cutting off my circulation.
Aragorn: Um, don’t you already got your own chain mail, bro?
Gimli: Oh, yeah, huh.
(Suddenly, a strange noise is heard on the air.)
Gimli: Whoops, sorry.
Legolas: And again, it wasn’t you bro. That was another horn blast.
Aragorn: Well, it definitely ain’t Boromir this time.
Legolas: And it ain’t orcs. Who the frick is it?
Aragorn: Gandalf!
(Cut to the gate. A bunch of Elves are marching up horribly, all confused. Haldir’s in front holding a MAP.)
Theoden: It’s a miracle!
Haldir: Dude, this ain’t Woodstock. Elrond totally gave us bogus directions!
Theoden: Woodstock?
Haldir: Yeah, we’re sposed to be working security. We gotta go. See ya!
(He tries to turn and leave, but just then Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli come running up.)
Aragorn: Haldir!
Haldir: Oh, crap, we’ve been spotted.
Aragorn: Mae govannen, Haldir. You so totally rule, bro!
Haldir: Kay.
Gimli: Dude, why is Elrond of RIVENDELL sending the LORIEN Elves anywhere for? Did Galadriel approve this? How is she? Has she mentioned me?
Haldir: Um…
Aragorn: We owe you, man!
Haldir: Well, actually…
Legolas: Dude! Woodstock!
Aragorn: What about it?
Legolas: I just got a really bad idea, bro. You came just in time, Haldir, my man.
Haldir: Oh, whoopie for me. Not.
Continued in Part 15
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 13
Chapter 43: Aragorn’s Return
(Aragorn comes riding onto screen, like someone out of a western, and spies Saruman’s horribly marching super orcs.)
Aragorn: Oh, crap, this is gonna take awhile. (takes deep breath) Let’s see, now … One, two, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… (a gazillion hours later) 9,997. 9,998. 9,999. 10,000. … Dude, like, that’s a LOT of super orcs.
(Several impressive travel shots later, Aragorn arrives at Helm’s Deep.)
Gimli: Where is he? You twerpy little Ranger! What’d ya think you’re playing at, bro? That was sooo not cool! I LOVE you man!
Aragorn: (not to be outdone in displays of affection) Yeah, whatever, bro. Like, where’s the Dude? I gotta see him urgently.
(Aragorn goes off looking for the king and runs into Legolas.)
Legolas: Le abdollen. Ah, man, we were just getting ready to split. And you look like crap bro. Dude, didn’t you just dive into a river? You should be at least a little clean.
Aragorn: Good to see you too, bro.
(Eowyn hears him and starts drooling, but before she can go make a fool of herself, Legolas gives the Evenstar pendant back to Aragorn.)
Aragorn: Hannon le. Dude, you’re a lifesaver, bro! Majorly!
(Little while later, Aragorn makes his GRAND ENTERANCE in SUPER SLOW MO into Theoden’s chamber.)
Theoden: (not even slightly impressed that Aragorn’s still alive) Dude, haven’t you ever heard of knocking? So rude. We’re in the middle of a pow-wow here.
Aragorn: Like, I was raised in the woods, man. You don’t go knocking on wood.
Theoden: You don’t? Are you sure?
Gamling: Yeah, cuz isn’t that sposed to be good luck or something?
Aragorn: Well, in that case, get knockin’, cuz there’s 10,000 super orcs coming this way even as we waste time. So, where’s the Old Wiz Dude. We gotta strategize.
Theoden: How should we know? He skid-addled before we left Edoras, remember?
Aragorn: But, it’s the fourth day! He said he’d be here by now! He’s not here?!
Theoden: Nope, bro, you got stood up.
Aragorn: Aw, man! You know, this is so typical of him. First Bree, and now this! ‘A wizard’s never late.’ Yeah, right!
(Theoden gives Aragorn the tour, with Legolas and Gimli in tow.)
Theoden: (to Gamling) Go gather up all the older lads, and the not so older men, kay? Oh, but don’t tell them why, not yet anyways. (Gamling walks off and everyone else follows Theoden outside) We totally got our keisters covered. No way anybody’s getting in here without our knowing it.
Gimli: Oh, you’ll know it all right. They aren’t exactly stealthy, you know. And all that armor just makes em all clanky-like.
Theoden: Yeah, that’s just like what I said, but less positive.
(They go back inside and walk along the wall.)
Theoden: The super orcs will come, burning and maiming like always. We’ve seen it before, it’s nothing we can’t handle. And sides which, they really kinda suck at it. We’ll be totally sitting pretty while we stay here.
Aragorn: (speaking LOUDLY) I don’t think you get it, bro. 10,000 SUPER ORCS equals major bad mojo. You’re gonna be pulverized, for sure. And I mean everybody, even the WOMEN and CHILDREN.
Theoden: (speaking quietly) Dude! Shoosh it already! Geez! Don’t you think I know that? But seriously, no need to go shouting it from the walls and bumming my men out. They’re bummed enough already. Excuse me for trying to give them a little hope!
Aragorn: Oh, sorry, I didn’t get that’s what you were doing. … So, um, why don’t you call for help then?
Theoden: Yeah, and who’s gonna come, huh? More dwarves? We don’t need anymore comic relief, kay. Or maybe more of you Elf bros will show up at the last minute.
Aragorn: Hey, it could happen. The way this movie’s been going, ANYTHING’S possible.
Theoden: Oh, really? Well, then, maybe we’ll ring up Gondor and see if they’ll come too. You know, just like they didn’t all those other times before.
Aragorn: Dude, don’t be dissin’ Gondor. That ain’t right.
Theoden: Whatever, bro. (stalks off) Get all the dudettes and pip squeaks into the caves! We’re going to WAR! There! Now, EVERYBODY knows! Happy now?!
Chapter 44: Entmoot
(Meanwhile, back in Fangorn, Merry and Pippin are trying not to hyperventilate.)
Treebeard: We Ent-bros haven’t butted in on the wars of Dudes and Wiz Dudes for like, forever man, cuz the last time was totally bogus. But not anymore. We’re getting jiggy with it, at Entmoot Central.
Pippin: This isn’t happening.
Merry: Please, be a dream. (pinches himself) OW! Dang it!
Treebeard: Here they come!
(Just then, more Ents come outta nowhere.)
Ents: Howdy, y’all!
Merry: Ah, man! It’s starting all over again!
Pippin: This can’t be happening.
Treebeard: Beech, Oak, Ash, Pine, Palm, Banana, Gum. Good. Very marjorly awesome!
Ents: Awesome? Awe. Some. Awes. Ome.
Pippin: Well, back to square one.
Merry: This sucks.
Ents: Sucks!
Treebeard: Yep, bros, this war sucks big time. So, what we gonna do bout it? Should we rumble or not? Who’s got the Pros list? I’m doing Cons.
Chapter 45: The Glittering Caves
(The Rohan peasants are moseying along at their usual pace as they make their way to the caves. Aragorn’s shouting orders like he owns the place.)
Aragorn: Get the reserves outta retirment and stick em on the wall, already.
Legolas: Dude, I know you got this whole John Wayne vibe going, and I’m totally supportive, but like, you gotta sleep bro. You’re looking more like the living dead right about now. It’s not pretty.
(Aragorn doesn’t have time to respond, cuz just then, Eowyn comes running up, apparently still determined to make a fool of herself.)
Eowyn: Ranger Dude! It’s sooo not fair! They’re trying to stick me in the caves with the women.
Aragorn: Yeah, cuz you’re a woman.
Eowyn: Oh, so that means I gotta huddle in the dark with some big-eyed little kid and get all weepy moany? That’s so cliché! Where’s the dignitude in that?
Aragorn: Look, dudette, I’d totally help you out, but my girlfriend, she’d know. She ALWAYS knows. ‘Sides, most likely, we’re all gonna die, so you’ll have plenty of slicing and dicing of your own to do. So, see, it’s all good. ………… No, wait, that ain’t good.
Eowyn: Ah, come on, bro, let me stay with you. Your girlfriend’s leaving anyway, ain’t she?
Aragorn: Well, I thought she was, but she’s still hovering about – literally. It’s kinda freaky.
Eowyn: Whatever, bro. Can I stay with you or not?
Aragorn: I’m voting not. The Dude would never allow it.
Eowyn: But the Elf and Dwarf Dude get to stay! They get to fight, cuz they love you man!
Aragorn: Now just what are you trying to imply, babe?
Eowyn: Oh, never mind. (stalks off)
(Cut to caves. Cue weepy moany women clinging to their sons and husbands. And Eowyn changes her hairdo AGAIN!)
(Cut to the armory. All the men and boys are suiting up. Legolas decides this would be a good time to have a major hissy fit.)
Legolas: Dude, this blows!
Aragorn: Tell me about it. What are a bunch of farmers sposed to do? Hoe the enemy to death?
Gimli: Yeah, and half of ‘em are older than dirt.
Legolas: And the rest haven’t even hit puberty yet. I mean, look it! They’re bout ready to whiz their shorts. Boe a hyn neled herain dan caer menig. And who can blame them. 300? Against 10,000? Outnumbered much?
Aragorn: Si, beriathar hyn ammaeg na ned Edoras. Well, look at it this way. If Sharkey’s gotta send 10,000 super orcs to kill 300 men, then they can’t be all that. We gotta chance!
Legolas: Aragorn, nedin dagor hen ú-'erir ortheri. Natha daged dhaer. Dude, don’t delude yourself! We’re totally screwed. We’re all gonna DIE!
Aragorn: Then I shall DIE as one of them!
(The old men gasp and grab their hearts, the little kids start crying.)
Legolas: Um, dude, wrong language.
Aragorn: Oh… whoops. (goes away quickly)
Gimli: “Every man dies, not every man truly lives!”
Legolas: Now how does that help?
Gimli: What? That’s a way righteous movie.
Legolas: But I’m sposed to be young and beautiful forever!
Gimli: Oh, get over yourself.
Chapter 46: “Where Is The Horse and The Rider?”
(Meanwhile, Theoden’s getting prepped for battle. Or, rather, he’s standing there like a lazy son of a gun while Gamling puts his armor on for him.)
Gamling: Every little bro and old geezer are suited up and ready to get pummled.
Theoden: Who am I, Gamling?
(Ok, so, what’s with all the leaders in this movie not remembering their names? First Gandalf, now Theoden. What the heck!)
Gamling: Um, you’re our Dude, dude.
Theoden: And do you trust your Dude, bro?
Gamling: Well, sure, I mean, we sorta got to don’t we?
Theoden: Totally. … (looks down at map where a bunch of little toy soldiers are arranged on it doing battle) So, um, where are the horse and the rider, and that little horn thingie?
Gamling: Dude, you lost them again?
Theoden: I had them when we were coming over the mountains. Or maybe that was through the meadows. Oh! I know! I lost them in that shadow over there, in the corner.
Gamling: I’ll go get them, don’t bother moving or nothing, geez!
Chapter 47: “Don’t Be Hasty, Master Meriadoc!”
(Cut back to Entmoot. Merry and Pippin are banging their heads trying to knock themselves unconscious.)
Pippin: This ain’t working. We’re just too thick headed. Who’da thought?
Merry: I can’t take anymore of this. We’re gonna have to dude-ify them all.
Pippin: Do we got time?
Merry: We’ll give em the crash course. It’ll be hard on everyone, but it’s gotta be done.
Pippin: But, maybe they already decided to fight?
Treebeard: Nope, bro, we just finished saying Howdy.
Merry: What?! Dude! It’s nighttime, hello!
Ents: Howdy!
Merry: Oh, don’t start! Look, bros, this is taking way too long.
Treebeard: Chill, bro, it’s all good.
Merry: No, it isn’t! Too much more of this and we’re gonna lose it. And trust me, that is never pretty.
Pippin: Right, so, crash course it is. Come on, coz, for our own good. And theirs.
Chapter 48: The Host of the Eldar
(Back at Helm’s Deep, men are scrambling about while Aragorn sits on his keister and mopes. He sees a boy handling a sword uncertainly.)
Aragorn: Hey, kid! Over here pronto!
Kid: Hey, man, whattup?
Aragorn: Nice sword you got there, little bro. Mind if I give it a swing?
Kid: Go for it. (watches while Aragorn shows off; he doesn’t seem impressed.) So, like, the old geezers are saying we’re all gonna DIE!
Aragorn: What’s your name?
Kid: Haleth, son of Hama.
Aragorn: Oh, sorry bout your old man, bro, but I doubt your head’ll get bitten off. Leastways, I didn’t see any wargs with em. So, see, always a silver lining!
Haleth: Um, thanks?
Aragorn: No prob, little dude! … Aw! I have a ‘little dude’ again!
Haleth: Kay. … Can I go now?
Aragorn: Sure thing, little dude! I gotta go suit up!
(Aragorn goes to suit up, like someone out of a western. Dang, he really is in a John Wayne vibe, isn’t he? Legolas hands him his sword.)
Legolas: Sorry about being such a drama queen earlier. We good, man?
Aragorn: U-moe edaved, Legolas. Totally, bro, no prob. You’re my boy!
Legolas: Excellent!
Gimli: (coming outta nowhere, wearing chain mail that’s way too long for him) Dude, this thing’s cutting off my circulation.
Aragorn: Um, don’t you already got your own chain mail, bro?
Gimli: Oh, yeah, huh.
(Suddenly, a strange noise is heard on the air.)
Gimli: Whoops, sorry.
Legolas: And again, it wasn’t you bro. That was another horn blast.
Aragorn: Well, it definitely ain’t Boromir this time.
Legolas: And it ain’t orcs. Who the frick is it?
Aragorn: Gandalf!
(Cut to the gate. A bunch of Elves are marching up horribly, all confused. Haldir’s in front holding a MAP.)
Theoden: It’s a miracle!
Haldir: Dude, this ain’t Woodstock. Elrond totally gave us bogus directions!
Theoden: Woodstock?
Haldir: Yeah, we’re sposed to be working security. We gotta go. See ya!
(He tries to turn and leave, but just then Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli come running up.)
Aragorn: Haldir!
Haldir: Oh, crap, we’ve been spotted.
Aragorn: Mae govannen, Haldir. You so totally rule, bro!
Haldir: Kay.
Gimli: Dude, why is Elrond of RIVENDELL sending the LORIEN Elves anywhere for? Did Galadriel approve this? How is she? Has she mentioned me?
Haldir: Um…
Aragorn: We owe you, man!
Haldir: Well, actually…
Legolas: Dude! Woodstock!
Aragorn: What about it?
Legolas: I just got a really bad idea, bro. You came just in time, Haldir, my man.
Haldir: Oh, whoopie for me. Not.
Continued in Part 15
