Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
May. 15th, 2010 08:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gamgee_ficsTitle: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 13
The Lord of the Real World – Rivendell: Uncut! Video
[Introduction by Glorfindel, standing in the Real World house’s kitchen.]
Glorfindel: It was the true story of seven strangers living together and having their lives taped, all day, every day. For three and a half months, they lived together, ate together, had fun together and fought together. And boy, did they fight...
~*~
[Cut to shot of Eowyn and Boromir outside bathroom]
Eowyn: It was you!
Boromir: I don’t think so! You were the last one in there.
Eowyn: I turned off the light, so it had to be you.
Boromir: I was in there for two seconds. You were the one in there for half an hour doing your hair. You can turn off the light.
Eowyn: Weren’t you listening? I did turn off the light. And what the hell does it matter how long I was in there for?
Boromir: You were the last one in there and the light is on, so clearly, you did not turn it off.
Eowyn: I turned it off.
Boromir: Then why is it on?
Eowyn: Gee, I don’t know, could it possibly have anything to do with the fact that there are six other people living in this house, not to mention that crabby old wizard? Did that thought ever pop into your pea-sized brain, you stupid little son of a –
Legolas: HEY!
Eowyn and Boromir: What?
Legolas: Shut up! Just SHUT UP! Just turn off the light before I have to kill you both! Don’t think I won’t.
Eowyn: You heard the elf. (leaves)
Boromir: (glaring after her) One of these days... one of these days, I will rule her.
Legolas: You wish.
~*~
Glorfindel: What you saw on the air was a fairly accurate portrayal of what occurred in the house during those months. But with over 1000 hours of footage and only a handful of half-hour episodes to show them in, a great amount of what happened was left unseen. Now the vast majority of this was mundane, boring, everyday stuff that would put the audience to sleep. But some of it didn’t make it into the show simply because, well, the housemates didn’t want you to see it. But they’re all busy with their Quest now and have no idea what I’m doing. Welcome back to Lord of the Real World – Rivendell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers… Of eight strangers… Of an undetermined number of strangers… Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)… Of numerous strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together and have their lives taped…
Sam: Chosen to live together and have their lives taped…
Gimli: Forced to live together… Chosen to live together… Tricked into living together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell.
Merry and Pippin: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Week 2: Is it Getting Hot in Here?
Something else happened after Frodo, Gollum, Boromir and Eowyn came back from clubbing…
~*~
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: It was the most disgusting thing that ever happened to me. (shivers) I can still feel him all over me. I’m taking a shower.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: It was all an honest mistake. Really, if anyone should be traumatized, it should be me.
[Late at night. Some bar in Rivendell. Cut to back of the bar to a table in poorly lit corner surrounded by cigar smoke. Group of guys are there playing poker. Saruman’s the dealer.]
Player #4: I’ll take two.
Player #3: I’ll take one.
[They place their bets. Everyone’s real confident they have a winning hand, so the betting goes on for awhile. Finally, they call a draw and show their hands. #1 has a straight flush. #2 has three-of a-kind. #3 and #4 have full houses, 7s over 3s and 9s over 2s respectfully. #4 waits impatiently. Saruman shows his cards – he has a royal flush.]
Saruman: A well played game gentlemen. Now hand over your money and leave.
Player #1: But, you gotta give us the opportunity to win our money back.
Player #4: Yeah, my wife’ll kill me if she finds out I lost the car. We just bought it.
Saruman: That’s your problem, not mine. Now leave, or I’ll turn you into something unnatural.
Player #3: Yeah, like what?
Saruman: (thinking) Like… Richard Simmons, in a thong.
Poker Players: AAAAHHHH! (they hurry up and pay, then run for it)
Saruman: (laughing evilly, starts to count his money) That’ll buy me one Uruk Hai, 2 Uruk Hais, 3, 4, 5… (much much MUCH later) 10,000 Uruk Hais. Luckily for me, they work cheap. Now, BARKEEP! Bring me the best bottle of your strongest brew! I have a victory to celebrate.
[Early morning, just before dawn. Saruman staggers into house, bags of money stuffed under his arm, completely drunk. He stows the money underneath the couch in the living room, then stumbles upstairs and into room. He gets into bed and snuggles into the sheets, until…]
Eowyn: What the HELL do you think you’re doing?! Get off me!
Saruman: Huh?
Arwen: (waking up) What’s going on? Hey, what are you doing in here?!
Saruman: (finally focusing on Eowyn) Why, hello. What a delightful surprise. I had no idea you felt this way. (starts groping her and kissing her neck)
Eowyn: Eeeeeewwwww!!!! Stop! STOP!
Arwen: Hey, get off her and out of our room! LEGOLAS! BOROMIR!
[A split second later, Legolas, Boromir, Frodo and Gollum are standing bleary-eyed in the room. Boromir and Legolas go to wrestle Saruman out of Eowyn’s bed, and Arwen goes to comfort her. Gollum and Frodo just watch, unsure what to do.]
Boromir: Go into your own room and sleep it off, you dirty old perv!
Legolas: I’ll take him.
Saruman: But, she was squirming with delight.
Eowyn: That would be revolution, you disgusting old fart! If you ever come near me again, I’ll kill you!
Saruman: See, she showers me with sentiments.
Legolas: I’ll give you a shower, a nice cold one. And then some coffee.
Gollum: Oh! We knows lots of hangover remedies, precious. We can make some.
Legolas: Thanks, Gollum. Frodo, can you help him?
Frodo: Certainly. Come on Gollum.
[Frodo and Gollum go to kitchen. Legolas takes Saruman to the bathroom and shoves him into the shower. He cranks up the water, super cold.]
Saruman: Now, really, this is quite uncivilized. Is this any way to treat your elders?
Legolas: Just stay there and calm down.
[Back in the girls’ room, Boromir’s standing guard at the door. Eowyn’s shuddering uncontrollably and keeps wiping at her neck.]
Arwen: There, there. It’s over now. And when he sobers up, we’ll sit him down and have a talk with him.
Eowyn: My skin keeps crawling! I’m going to be sick.
Arwen: Shhh, it’s all right.
Eowyn: NO! I’m going to be sick. Get me a trash can.
[Boromir quickly hands her the trash can and she promptly throws up. Boromir kindly holds her hair back for her.]
Boromir: Feel better now?
Eowyn: No. Though I am glad I took my brother’s advice about not sleeping in the nude while I’m here. (shudders)
Boromir: You usually sleep in the nude? (notices Eowyn’s deadly glare) But that’s not the point...
[Eowyn gets sick again and bends over trash can. Arwen looks ready to get sick herself. Before this scene turns into something from The Fly…]
[Cut down to the kitchen. Gollum’s mixing a toxic smelling drink that looks pretty much the same as what Eowyn just tossed up in her trash can.]
Frodo: (holding his nose) You really expect Saruman to drink that?
Gollum: We drinks it all the time.
Frodo: Why doesn’t that surprise me.
Gollum: We don’t know. Why doesn’t it?
Frodo: Huh? Um, never mind. Is it finished?
Gollum: Yes, yes, we can takes it to him now. Follow me.
[They start going upstairs but Gollum is distracted yet again by the lava lamp that is still plugged into the living room wall.]
Frodo: What is your obsession with that thing anyway? (unplugs it)
Gollum: NOOOO!! Precious noooo! You bastard! Cruel mean hobbit, he stole it from us!
Frodo: Sorry! (plugs lava lamp back in and Gollum calms down immediately) Weird.
[Frodo goes up to the bathroom. Legolas turns off shower and hands Saruman the drink. Saruman guzzles it down without even looking at it. A couple of moments later, he’s gagging uncontrollably, but completely sober.]
[An hour later, Saruman has apologized profusely for his behavior and swears repentance. Eowyn goes to take a shower, but has Boromir stand guard in the hallway. Legolas and Arwen make her a sleeping draft for when she gets out, and Arwen sips some herself. Once the girls are settled, the guys sit around in the kitchen, wide awake.]
Frodo: This night was a just disaster all around, wasn’t it?
Boromir: It could have been better, that’s for sure.
Saruman: Well, I for one just feel horrible.
Boromir: You should.
Frodo: We should really do something for the girls. Especially Eowyn. First your date was ruined, and now this. Let’s make them breakfast!
Legolas: You think everything’s solved by food, don’t you?
Frodo: It’s hard to be angry on a full stomach.
Boromir: That’s a good idea. I just hope she can keep it down.
Legolas: That sleeping draft we gave her should have settled her stomach as well. She’ll be fine.
Saruman: So then what do we need to do?
Frodo: You can make the fire; we’ll take care of the food.
**********
Week 3: What in Middle-earth is Going on Here?
Saruman returns from his mysterious trip and tortures Gollum for information…
~*~
[Cut to hall outside kitchen. Shot of fish swimming happily in their tank. Suddenly, a long bony hand starts creeping up the side of the tank. It opens the lid and slips seamlessly into the water. It’s about to grab a fish.]
Boromir: Gollum!
Gollum: AHH! (jumps back and hides his dripping wet hand) Yes, precious?
Boromir: What are you doing?
Gollum: Um, we’s feeding the fish, precious. Make them fat and juicy. I mean, fat and healthy.
Boromir: Oh, okay, but I just fed them this morning, so don’t get carried away.
[Boromir leaves. Gollum waits till he’s out of sight, then looks all around for any other housemates. Not seeing anyone, he again opens the lid and starts going after another fish. Then someone grabs him from behind and pins him against the wall by his neck.]
Boromir: (furious) Feeding the fish, are you?! I ought to wring your little neck!
Gollum: You (gag cough) are! HELP! Hel--
[Boromir tightens his grip, and Gollum’s about to pass out when Saruman comes out of the den. He quickly figures out what’s going on and gets Boromir to let Gollum go.]
Saruman: I’ll take care of Gollum for you. Be assured, once I’m through with him, he won’t approach the fish so carelessly again.
Boromir: (hesitant, glowering at Gollum) May death find you quickly if you bring them to harm.
Saruman: (smirking) He’ll do as he’s told.
[Boromir goes upstairs. Saruman leads Gollum outside to the barn and shoves him into one of the stables. Gollum cowers into the corner and hides his head under his arms. Saruman waits several minutes, then reaches into his robes and pulls out a flame torch. He lights it and holds it just inches from Gollum’s face.]
Saruman: They use these to light the furnaces at Isengard. One furnace will burn a small grove’s worth of trees in just minutes. I imagine this barn would go up in a burst of flame and burn to cinders before you can even find a way out. Care to test that theory?
Gollum: No, precious. We’ll be good, we swears it!
Saruman: Oh, but you could never be good. I know who you are. I know everything about you. The Eye told me.
Gollum: (cowering more) The Eye! But we do nothing! Nothing precious.
Saruman: You have something of great value, a small trinket. Where is it? Tell me, or you’ll know just how it feels to be wreathed in flame.
[He holds the torch close enough to singe some of Gollum’s hairs. Things are about to get really REALLY bad, when the barn door opens and shuts. Saruman quickly turns off the flame torch and listens.]
Merry: This barn is rather drafty.
Pippin: Look! Up in the loft! There’s a rope. We can swing down into the hay.
Merry: I don’t know. It doesn’t look very sturdy. And Frodo told us not to go messing around with things.
Pippin: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!
[They make their way to the ladder that leads to the loft, which just happens to be in front of the stable that Saruman and Gollum are in. Saruman tosses the flame torch into a random pile of hay, where it instantly gets lost, just before Merry and Pippin come into view.]
Merry: Oh, hello! I didn’t know anyone else was in here.
Saruman: Obviously.
Merry: (seeing Gollum) Is he all right? He looks ill.
Saruman: He is fine. Just a bit of food poisoning. I brought him out here till it wore off. It tends to make one… delusional.
Gollum: Flamses and ashes and dust!
Pippin: Oh my!
Merry: Oh my, what?
Pippin: Nothing, that’s just how the song goes.
Merry: You make no sense.
Saruman: If you both are quite finished with your explorations, perhaps you would find the house a bit more suitable to your adventurous tastes.
Pippin: You talk funny.
Merry: Pippin! Don’t be rude.
Gollum: The house, yes, precious, the house. We goes inside now, yes?
Saruman: Yes, I suppose we do. I trust you’ll be on your proper behavior from now on. Until I tell you otherwise. And we haven’t finished with this little chat of ours.
[Gollum whimpers and slinks away.]
Merry: (watching him leave) He’s a strange one.
Pippin: (to Saruman) Hey, are you a wizard like Gandalf? Shouldn’t you have a hat? Gandalf has a hat. Where’s your cane? Do you make fireworks too? You and Gandalf should do a show together. That would be neat! Why aren’t your robes grey? Or do all wizards have different colored robes? Do the colors mean anything? And I thought your robes were supposed to be white. Why is it all different colors? Or is it just dirty? Don’t you ever get them cleaned? How old are you?
Saruman: The next time you two decide to make a nuisance of yourself, I suggest you make sure I’m not around to be annoyed by it. (leaves)
Merry: What’s got him so crabby?
Pippin: (already halfway up the ladder) Who cares? Come on! I bet I can swing farther out than you.
Merry: You’re going to lose that bet.
**********
Week 7: Food, Dwarves and Radio Stars: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
The housemates party after a day of house cleaning. Legolas was taking great pride in seeing he has more elf babes than Glorfindel…
~*~
[Pippin finally wins the limbo contest and goes hunting for Merry, who has Sam cornered in the shadows, apparently talking him into something. Glorfindel picks this time to go around and check on everyone. Frodo’s catching his breath and listening to Arwen as she yammers on about Aragorn. Eowyn and Boromir are steaming up one of the booths; there are lots of shot glasses on the table. Gimli is showing some Elves how to do the Macarena. Glorfindel then makes his way to a table surrounded by elf babes. They see him coming.]
Elf Babe #43: Hey, isn’t that Glorfindel!
Elf Babe #57: Oh, he’s so dreamy!
Elf Babe #28: And I love what’s he’s done with his hair. (several of the other elf babes agree)
Legolas: Oh please, don’t make me ill.
Elf Babe #14: He’s coming this way!
Legolas: Who cares? Let’s turn the attention back to me, shall we?
[Glorfindel comes up to table and smiles at everyone. Several of the elf babes swoon. Legolas grits his teeth.]
Glorfindel: (flips hair) Hello.
Elf Babes: (giggle)
Legolas: (steaming) What do you want?
Glorfindel: Just thought I’d check on everyone and see that you’re all having a pleasurable evening.
Elf Babes: (giggle more)
Legolas: Yes, we’re having a fine time. You can leave now.
Elf Babe #72: Why don’t you join us, Glory? You’ve hardly been around the last couple of months. We’ve missed you.
Elf Babe #43: Yes, it’s been very lonely. We need comfort.
Legolas: What about me?
Elf Babe #14: I’m sorry Leggy, but I don’t think Glory goes for that sort of thing.
Legolas: That’s it! You and me. Outside. NOW!
[Legolas stomps off. Glorfindel just shrugs, smiles at the elf babes and sits down. They’re instantly all over him. Several minutes later, Legolas comes back, mad as hell and not about to take it any more.]
Legolas: Who do you think you are?
Glorfindel: I’m Glorfindel, High Elf Lord. I slew a Balrog.
Elf Babe #61: (somewhat suggestively) Tell us again how you slew that Balrog.
Glorfindel: I don’t know. It’s a harrowing tale.
Elf Babe #43: We’ll make it better.
Legolas: No! That’s it! ENOUGH! These are my babes! Leave them alone!
Glorfindel: Legolas, don’t make a scene. Just be glad I lent them to as long as I did.
Legolas: Lent? LENT?! I got them fair and square!
Glorfindel: I think they’re happy where they are right now.
Elf Babe #14: We can share you both.
Elf Babe #29: Yeah, there’s plenty of us to go around.
Legolas: No. It’s either me or him.
Elf Babe #55: Oh, don’t make us chose. Glory’s so… and you’re so… Oh, it’s impossible!
Elf Babe: #43: How about a dance off?
[The rest of the Elf Babes love this idea. They clear the dance floor and soon EVERYONE is watching to see what happens. Glorfindel and Legolas take the floor. The DJ starts spinning the records: Beat It by Michael Jackson, Staying Alive by the Bee Gees, Footloose by Kenny Loggins, Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry. It goes on for some time and the girls still can’t decide. Then Merry runs out onto the floor while Push It by Salt-N-Pepa is playing and steals all the girls away.]
Elf Babes: He’s so CUTE!
Legolas: Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!
Merry: Can I help it if I’m just too cute for words? … Ladies, follow me.
[All the Elf Babes follow him to the shadowy corner, where Pippin and Merry turn up the cute meter to 11. Legolas and Glorfindel are left on their own in the middle of the dance floor as everyone else goes back to whatever they were doing before.]
Glorfindel: Well, that was fun, don’t you think. Quite a good work out.
Legolas: I’m going to kill him.
Glorfindel: Now, Legolas, you can’t kill the Ring-bearer. That’s bad PR.
Legolas: Whatever. (stalks off)
Glorfindel: (realizing something) Where is Frodo?
[Glorfindel goes looking for Frodo and finds him bored out of his mind as he’s still listening to Arwen drone on about Aragorn.]
Arwen: And that was when he got chicken pox.
Frodo: Wasn’t he a little old for chicken pox?
Arwen: Yes. He was left with some scars. They’re kind of in an embarrassing place. Don’t tell him I told you though.
Frodo: Oh, I won’t.
Glorfindel: Frodo! There you are. Mind if I steal you away for a moment?
Frodo: Actually, um (looks around trying to find someone) There was someone…
Arwen: You have a date! And I’ve been talking your ear off. You should have told me sooner. Go and get her, tiger.
Frodo: Um, right, thank you. (leaves quickly)
Glorfindel: (acting normal) He has a date? Who?
Arwen: No one, silly. He was looking for Sam. He obviously didn’t want to talk to you.
Glorfindel: Yeah, cause he was just riveted by your Aragorn stories. And while we’re on the subject, where is Sam anyway? These hobbits are very hard to keep track of.
Arwen: Knowing Sam, he’s probably near the ale. And… yep, there he is, over by the bar.
Glorfindel: (yawning) I’m so ready for this night to end.
Arwen: (laughing) I can imagine. Wait till I tell Aragorn you had your gaggle stolen away by Merry! He’ll love it.
Glorfindel: Wait till I tell him about the hidden camera in his necklace.
Arwen: You wouldn’t.
Glorfindel: I would.
Arwen: You’re always taking away my fun.
Glorfindel: Just doing my job.
**********
Week 9: It’s all Relative
Gimli gave Arwen more than just flowers…
~*~
[Legolas and Gimli are standing on some road somewhere in Rivendell. Gimli’s digging around in the bushes, collecting flowers – roots, dirt and all. He places them lovingly in a basket lined with fine cloth.]
Legolas: This is a bad idea. REALLY bad. There are no words to describe how bad this idea is.
Gimli: Don’t be ridiculous. I know what I’m doing. There’s a standard procedure for winning any girl’s heart. And it starts with flowers.
Legolas: And it ends with her boyfriend knocking your teeth out.
Gimli: Men have nothing in the way of wooing, unlike the Dwarves. We’re masters in the art of love. We have to be. There are so few Dwarf-women, only the best wooers ever get any action.
Legolas: So you’re a virgin then?
Gimli: Very funny. Let’s see if it’s as funny when my ax is embedded in your stomach.
Legolas: Big words from a little man.
Gimli: You’re just teasing me now.
Legolas: It’s so much fun to do.
Gimli: (picking one last flower) Come. This should do it. My Lady awaits.
Legolas: Your funeral, you mean.
[Cut to late that night. Everyone’s out clubbing, except Arwen, who is taking the opportunity to do some Aragorn-spying. She’s very dismayed to see that he’s still somewhere near the Anduin. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. She quickly turns off the TV and goes to open the door. She’s very surprised to see Gimli standing there. He’s dressed in his flashiest chain mail and his hair is freshly washed. He has even braided his beard.]
Arwen: Gimli? What you doing here? I thought you went out with the others.
Gimli: Aye, I did, but the evening was rather dull, without your radiance to shine upon the stars.
Arwen: Ok. Um, well, I’m sorry I couldn’t come out. I’m… not feeling too well.
Gimli: Are you ill? I’ll take care of you. Lie down your pretty head, and I’ll bring you some tea and soup to ease your suffering.
Arwen: No, really, that’s not necessary. I’ll be fine. I’m feeling better already. (notices that Gimli’s holding something behind his back) And it looks like you already have something for me?
Gimli: (looking bashful) Aye, milady. Tis but a trifle gift, a pale comparison to your lustrous beauty. If the earth could bear forth even a fraction of your loveliness, t’would be a heavenly place indeed. (hands her the flowers, now arranged in a bouquet and placed in a crystal vase.)
Arwen: Oh! They’re lovely! Oh, Gimli, you didn’t have to do this.
Gimli: You accept the gift?
Arwen: Yes I do. Thank you.
Gimli: (suddenly getting WAY too excited) Excellent! So, where shall we start? A little nibbling on the neck? Caress the thighs?
Arwen: (backing away, now worried) What are you talking about?
Gimli: You know what I’m talking about.
[Gimli rushes for Arwen but she darts out of the way and out the door. He pursues her throughout the house. Think of any PePe LePu cartoon.]
Gimli: Ah! You like to play! You’re a feisty one!
Arwen: Get away from me, you freaky little midget!
[Finally, Gimli gets her cornered in the bathroom. He somehow manages to grab her you-know-whats. Arwen smacks him full across the face and sends him sprawling across the floor.]
Arwen: HOW DARE YOU! That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m telling Aragorn to come home RIGHT NOW!
[She stalks out of bathroom and locks herself in bedroom. Gimli pulls out a pipe and lights up.]
Gimli: Now that was good!
[Later that night. Everyone’s back from clubbing. Gimli has told Legolas what happened.]
Legolas: I told you it was a bad idea.
Gimli: What are you talking about? She wants me!
Legolas: She bitch-slapped you across the room.
Gimli: That’s second base!
Legolas: You’re a strange little people.
**********
Week 12: A Conspiracy Unmasked
Merry and Pippin get what’s coming to them, in the form of a VERY pissed off cousin…
~*~
Glorfindel: If this is how you want it, fine. Rest assured I shall repay you for your kindness. This isn’t over, Halfling.
Frodo: I know.
[Glorfindel lets him drop to the ground, then stalks off down the hall. Everyone waits till the back door slams, then breathes sighs of relief. Boromir helps Frodo up.]
Boromir: Are you all right?
Frodo: I’ll be fine, but I know a couple of other hobbits who will not be so fine.
Legolas: Go easy on them.
Frodo: And YOU! Helping them! I specifically remember asking you to help me keep an eye on them. How long has this been going on?
Legolas: (backing away) Well, only a month or so.
Frodo: A MONTH OR SO?!
Eowyn: Look, it was just harmless stuff. Until now. That dye isn’t going to wash out anytime soon.
Frodo: You knew? You all knew, didn’t you? And you didn’t tell me?
Gimli: We figured you had enough on your mind.
Frodo: So you allowed it to continue? How does that help? How? Tell me, because I’m drawing a blank.
Arwen: Frodo, it’ll be all right, you’ll see. Glory will calm down eventually and everything will be fine. He has a surprisingly good sense of humor, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have lasted this long.
Frodo: You’re all against me. I see your minds. You’re trying to drive me crazy so you can take the Ring for yourselves.
Boromir: No I’m not! … Er, I mean, um, no we’re not.
Frodo: It’s all perfectly clear now. Well, you can’t have it. It was entrusted to me. And if anything happens to me, it’s going to Sam, so just forget about it.
Gimli: Why does Sam get to have it?
Frodo: Because.
Eowyn: Because why?
Frodo: Because, the Ring is mine and Sam is mine, therefore the Ring goes to Sam.
[Frodo goes upstairs and into room, where the other hobbits are anxiously waiting for him. They jump in surprise he bursts in and slams the door.]
Merry: We can explain.
Frodo: I don’t want to hear your explanations. I don’t want to hear anything out of either of you. … Sam.
Sam: (nervously) Yes, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Can you leave us? I have to teach my cousins a lesson.
Sam: Well, I suppose I should stay.
Frodo: Why?
Pippin: Yeah, Sam? Why?
Merry: Just leave, Sam. Go.
Sam: But…
Frodo: Out. I don’t want to have to tell you again.
Sam: But, I should really tell you something.
Frodo: (beyond losing his patience) SAM! OUT! NOW!
Sam: Ok. (leaves)
Frodo: Now, as for you two…
[Meanwhile, downstairs, just after Frodo left]
Boromir: See, I told you, didn’t I? Sam is ‘his’?
Legolas: (sighing) Do we have to have this conversation again? They’re not gay.
Boromir: Think about it! Who takes their gardener on a Quest? And what kind of gardener is he anyway? Have you ever seen him garden anything? Huh? Have you?
Eowyn: Why would he? These aren’t his gardens to tend to. Besides, it’s winter.
Arwen: You’re reading too much into things, Borry.
Gimli: They’re just close.
Boromir: Yes, but how close? See, that’s the question.
Legolas: I really don’t want to be having this conversation.
Sam: Excuse me?
Housemates: AHHH!
Boromir: How long have you been standing there?
Sam: Just a second or two.
Boromir: Oh... ok.
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
Sam: So anyway, I was wondering, Legolas, if you could make some more of that sleeping draft for Mr. Frodo. He’s gotten himself wound up awfully tight over this whole prank business. I’ve never seen him like this before, and I thought it might help him relax.
Legolas: Um, yeah, sure, of course. No problem.
Boromir: There’s no other way you could help him relax?
Sam: (confused) Well, I could make tea I suppose, but the sleeping draft would work faster, I think and … why are you all looking at me like that?
Housemates: Like what?
Sam: (shaking his head) Big folk. You’re a strange lot, meaning no disrespect. (goes to kitchen)
[Meanwhile, upstairs…]
Frodo: You’ve pulled some big ones before in the past, Merry, but this, tormenting an elf, a High Elf at that… You leave me no choice.
Pippin: (cowering into a corner) Look, you’re really making this more than what it is.
Frodo: And you! ‘Fool of Took’ isn’t the half of it! In fact, it’s an insult to fools.
Pippin: Now that’s just cruel.
Frodo: Cruel? You haven’t seen cruel yet.
[Frodo advances on Merry and Pippin, pulling something out of his pants pocket]
Pippin: NO! NO! Please! Anything but that!
[Screen goes black]
Announcer: Due to its graphic nature, the rest of this scene cannot be shown as originally taped and has been edited for content.
***
[Cut to kitchen. A very disheveled Frodo enters to find everyone sitting around and not saying much of anything. Sam hands him something to drink.]
Gimli: You’re not looking so well, Master Hobbit.
Frodo: Trust me when I say Merry and Pippin had the worst of it.
Arwen: Why? What happened?
Frodo: (nervously) I had no choice; it’s the only thing that would get through to them. I just hope it doesn’t damage them too much in the end.
Eowyn: What did you do?
Frodo: It’s just a bit of music.
Gimli: What kind of music?
Frodo: Just, you know, The Carpenters, Neil Diamond, Barbara Streisand, Bill Ray Cyrus, Yoko Ono, and…
Arwen: And?
Frodo: And…
Boromir: Yes?
Frodo: (barely audible) And Barney.
Legolas: (appalled) Oh, Frodo. That is just not right.
Frodo: I know! (buries head in hands) Mean, cruel hobbit!
Sam: (somewhere between horrified and relieved) Now, Mr. Frodo, don’t do that. You only did what you had to. Don’t fret on it. We’ll save them some of this sleeping draft and by the time they wake up in the morning, they’ll be as good as new. Even better. You’ll see.
Frodo: I suppose so.
Boromir: Wait. Why would they even listen to that stuff?
Frodo: I had to tie them down. They put up a pretty good fight though. I’m going to be bruised in the morning.
Boromir: Really? You’re good at tying down hobbits are you?
Frodo: (confused) What?
Sam: Oh, never mind him. He’s got it in his head that we’re gay.
Boromir: Hey! You said you didn’t hear that!
Sam: You never asked me what I heard. You asked me how long I’ve been standing there, but I do have ears you know.
Frodo: Gay? Us? Where would you get an idea like that?
Boromir: Well… um, you, uh… you’re always… see, you… with the… and… you know.
Frodo: Whatever.
Legolas: (suddenly thinking of something) Oh Eru! I don’t have to listen to that stuff do I? Please, let the grace of the Valar protect me. Let me be spared.
Frodo: I’m hardly capable of punishing you.
Legolas: Oh… right. Good to know.
Boromir: So, then, you’re just friends?
Eowyn: Yes, they’re just friends. Get over it all ready.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Glorfindel: So, that’s it. The untold stories behind the Lord of the Real World – Rivendell. Now, I have to get out of here before Elrond finds out I’m back from my Gollum mission and comes after me. … Like he really stands a chance.
[Glorfindel exists. Fade to black]
[End Credits]
No hobbits, or gangly hobbit-like creatures, were harmed during the making of this production.
THE END!
GF 2003
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 13
The Lord of the Real World – Rivendell: Uncut! Video
[Introduction by Glorfindel, standing in the Real World house’s kitchen.]
Glorfindel: It was the true story of seven strangers living together and having their lives taped, all day, every day. For three and a half months, they lived together, ate together, had fun together and fought together. And boy, did they fight...
~*~
[Cut to shot of Eowyn and Boromir outside bathroom]
Eowyn: It was you!
Boromir: I don’t think so! You were the last one in there.
Eowyn: I turned off the light, so it had to be you.
Boromir: I was in there for two seconds. You were the one in there for half an hour doing your hair. You can turn off the light.
Eowyn: Weren’t you listening? I did turn off the light. And what the hell does it matter how long I was in there for?
Boromir: You were the last one in there and the light is on, so clearly, you did not turn it off.
Eowyn: I turned it off.
Boromir: Then why is it on?
Eowyn: Gee, I don’t know, could it possibly have anything to do with the fact that there are six other people living in this house, not to mention that crabby old wizard? Did that thought ever pop into your pea-sized brain, you stupid little son of a –
Legolas: HEY!
Eowyn and Boromir: What?
Legolas: Shut up! Just SHUT UP! Just turn off the light before I have to kill you both! Don’t think I won’t.
Eowyn: You heard the elf. (leaves)
Boromir: (glaring after her) One of these days... one of these days, I will rule her.
Legolas: You wish.
~*~
Glorfindel: What you saw on the air was a fairly accurate portrayal of what occurred in the house during those months. But with over 1000 hours of footage and only a handful of half-hour episodes to show them in, a great amount of what happened was left unseen. Now the vast majority of this was mundane, boring, everyday stuff that would put the audience to sleep. But some of it didn’t make it into the show simply because, well, the housemates didn’t want you to see it. But they’re all busy with their Quest now and have no idea what I’m doing. Welcome back to Lord of the Real World – Rivendell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers… Of eight strangers… Of an undetermined number of strangers… Of seven strangers (and three stowaways)… Of numerous strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together and have their lives taped…
Sam: Chosen to live together and have their lives taped…
Gimli: Forced to live together… Chosen to live together… Tricked into living together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell.
Merry and Pippin: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell.
Glorfindel: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Week 2: Is it Getting Hot in Here?
Something else happened after Frodo, Gollum, Boromir and Eowyn came back from clubbing…
~*~
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: It was the most disgusting thing that ever happened to me. (shivers) I can still feel him all over me. I’m taking a shower.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: It was all an honest mistake. Really, if anyone should be traumatized, it should be me.
[Late at night. Some bar in Rivendell. Cut to back of the bar to a table in poorly lit corner surrounded by cigar smoke. Group of guys are there playing poker. Saruman’s the dealer.]
Player #4: I’ll take two.
Player #3: I’ll take one.
[They place their bets. Everyone’s real confident they have a winning hand, so the betting goes on for awhile. Finally, they call a draw and show their hands. #1 has a straight flush. #2 has three-of a-kind. #3 and #4 have full houses, 7s over 3s and 9s over 2s respectfully. #4 waits impatiently. Saruman shows his cards – he has a royal flush.]
Saruman: A well played game gentlemen. Now hand over your money and leave.
Player #1: But, you gotta give us the opportunity to win our money back.
Player #4: Yeah, my wife’ll kill me if she finds out I lost the car. We just bought it.
Saruman: That’s your problem, not mine. Now leave, or I’ll turn you into something unnatural.
Player #3: Yeah, like what?
Saruman: (thinking) Like… Richard Simmons, in a thong.
Poker Players: AAAAHHHH! (they hurry up and pay, then run for it)
Saruman: (laughing evilly, starts to count his money) That’ll buy me one Uruk Hai, 2 Uruk Hais, 3, 4, 5… (much much MUCH later) 10,000 Uruk Hais. Luckily for me, they work cheap. Now, BARKEEP! Bring me the best bottle of your strongest brew! I have a victory to celebrate.
[Early morning, just before dawn. Saruman staggers into house, bags of money stuffed under his arm, completely drunk. He stows the money underneath the couch in the living room, then stumbles upstairs and into room. He gets into bed and snuggles into the sheets, until…]
Eowyn: What the HELL do you think you’re doing?! Get off me!
Saruman: Huh?
Arwen: (waking up) What’s going on? Hey, what are you doing in here?!
Saruman: (finally focusing on Eowyn) Why, hello. What a delightful surprise. I had no idea you felt this way. (starts groping her and kissing her neck)
Eowyn: Eeeeeewwwww!!!! Stop! STOP!
Arwen: Hey, get off her and out of our room! LEGOLAS! BOROMIR!
[A split second later, Legolas, Boromir, Frodo and Gollum are standing bleary-eyed in the room. Boromir and Legolas go to wrestle Saruman out of Eowyn’s bed, and Arwen goes to comfort her. Gollum and Frodo just watch, unsure what to do.]
Boromir: Go into your own room and sleep it off, you dirty old perv!
Legolas: I’ll take him.
Saruman: But, she was squirming with delight.
Eowyn: That would be revolution, you disgusting old fart! If you ever come near me again, I’ll kill you!
Saruman: See, she showers me with sentiments.
Legolas: I’ll give you a shower, a nice cold one. And then some coffee.
Gollum: Oh! We knows lots of hangover remedies, precious. We can make some.
Legolas: Thanks, Gollum. Frodo, can you help him?
Frodo: Certainly. Come on Gollum.
[Frodo and Gollum go to kitchen. Legolas takes Saruman to the bathroom and shoves him into the shower. He cranks up the water, super cold.]
Saruman: Now, really, this is quite uncivilized. Is this any way to treat your elders?
Legolas: Just stay there and calm down.
[Back in the girls’ room, Boromir’s standing guard at the door. Eowyn’s shuddering uncontrollably and keeps wiping at her neck.]
Arwen: There, there. It’s over now. And when he sobers up, we’ll sit him down and have a talk with him.
Eowyn: My skin keeps crawling! I’m going to be sick.
Arwen: Shhh, it’s all right.
Eowyn: NO! I’m going to be sick. Get me a trash can.
[Boromir quickly hands her the trash can and she promptly throws up. Boromir kindly holds her hair back for her.]
Boromir: Feel better now?
Eowyn: No. Though I am glad I took my brother’s advice about not sleeping in the nude while I’m here. (shudders)
Boromir: You usually sleep in the nude? (notices Eowyn’s deadly glare) But that’s not the point...
[Eowyn gets sick again and bends over trash can. Arwen looks ready to get sick herself. Before this scene turns into something from The Fly…]
[Cut down to the kitchen. Gollum’s mixing a toxic smelling drink that looks pretty much the same as what Eowyn just tossed up in her trash can.]
Frodo: (holding his nose) You really expect Saruman to drink that?
Gollum: We drinks it all the time.
Frodo: Why doesn’t that surprise me.
Gollum: We don’t know. Why doesn’t it?
Frodo: Huh? Um, never mind. Is it finished?
Gollum: Yes, yes, we can takes it to him now. Follow me.
[They start going upstairs but Gollum is distracted yet again by the lava lamp that is still plugged into the living room wall.]
Frodo: What is your obsession with that thing anyway? (unplugs it)
Gollum: NOOOO!! Precious noooo! You bastard! Cruel mean hobbit, he stole it from us!
Frodo: Sorry! (plugs lava lamp back in and Gollum calms down immediately) Weird.
[Frodo goes up to the bathroom. Legolas turns off shower and hands Saruman the drink. Saruman guzzles it down without even looking at it. A couple of moments later, he’s gagging uncontrollably, but completely sober.]
[An hour later, Saruman has apologized profusely for his behavior and swears repentance. Eowyn goes to take a shower, but has Boromir stand guard in the hallway. Legolas and Arwen make her a sleeping draft for when she gets out, and Arwen sips some herself. Once the girls are settled, the guys sit around in the kitchen, wide awake.]
Frodo: This night was a just disaster all around, wasn’t it?
Boromir: It could have been better, that’s for sure.
Saruman: Well, I for one just feel horrible.
Boromir: You should.
Frodo: We should really do something for the girls. Especially Eowyn. First your date was ruined, and now this. Let’s make them breakfast!
Legolas: You think everything’s solved by food, don’t you?
Frodo: It’s hard to be angry on a full stomach.
Boromir: That’s a good idea. I just hope she can keep it down.
Legolas: That sleeping draft we gave her should have settled her stomach as well. She’ll be fine.
Saruman: So then what do we need to do?
Frodo: You can make the fire; we’ll take care of the food.
**********
Week 3: What in Middle-earth is Going on Here?
Saruman returns from his mysterious trip and tortures Gollum for information…
~*~
[Cut to hall outside kitchen. Shot of fish swimming happily in their tank. Suddenly, a long bony hand starts creeping up the side of the tank. It opens the lid and slips seamlessly into the water. It’s about to grab a fish.]
Boromir: Gollum!
Gollum: AHH! (jumps back and hides his dripping wet hand) Yes, precious?
Boromir: What are you doing?
Gollum: Um, we’s feeding the fish, precious. Make them fat and juicy. I mean, fat and healthy.
Boromir: Oh, okay, but I just fed them this morning, so don’t get carried away.
[Boromir leaves. Gollum waits till he’s out of sight, then looks all around for any other housemates. Not seeing anyone, he again opens the lid and starts going after another fish. Then someone grabs him from behind and pins him against the wall by his neck.]
Boromir: (furious) Feeding the fish, are you?! I ought to wring your little neck!
Gollum: You (gag cough) are! HELP! Hel--
[Boromir tightens his grip, and Gollum’s about to pass out when Saruman comes out of the den. He quickly figures out what’s going on and gets Boromir to let Gollum go.]
Saruman: I’ll take care of Gollum for you. Be assured, once I’m through with him, he won’t approach the fish so carelessly again.
Boromir: (hesitant, glowering at Gollum) May death find you quickly if you bring them to harm.
Saruman: (smirking) He’ll do as he’s told.
[Boromir goes upstairs. Saruman leads Gollum outside to the barn and shoves him into one of the stables. Gollum cowers into the corner and hides his head under his arms. Saruman waits several minutes, then reaches into his robes and pulls out a flame torch. He lights it and holds it just inches from Gollum’s face.]
Saruman: They use these to light the furnaces at Isengard. One furnace will burn a small grove’s worth of trees in just minutes. I imagine this barn would go up in a burst of flame and burn to cinders before you can even find a way out. Care to test that theory?
Gollum: No, precious. We’ll be good, we swears it!
Saruman: Oh, but you could never be good. I know who you are. I know everything about you. The Eye told me.
Gollum: (cowering more) The Eye! But we do nothing! Nothing precious.
Saruman: You have something of great value, a small trinket. Where is it? Tell me, or you’ll know just how it feels to be wreathed in flame.
[He holds the torch close enough to singe some of Gollum’s hairs. Things are about to get really REALLY bad, when the barn door opens and shuts. Saruman quickly turns off the flame torch and listens.]
Merry: This barn is rather drafty.
Pippin: Look! Up in the loft! There’s a rope. We can swing down into the hay.
Merry: I don’t know. It doesn’t look very sturdy. And Frodo told us not to go messing around with things.
Pippin: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!
[They make their way to the ladder that leads to the loft, which just happens to be in front of the stable that Saruman and Gollum are in. Saruman tosses the flame torch into a random pile of hay, where it instantly gets lost, just before Merry and Pippin come into view.]
Merry: Oh, hello! I didn’t know anyone else was in here.
Saruman: Obviously.
Merry: (seeing Gollum) Is he all right? He looks ill.
Saruman: He is fine. Just a bit of food poisoning. I brought him out here till it wore off. It tends to make one… delusional.
Gollum: Flamses and ashes and dust!
Pippin: Oh my!
Merry: Oh my, what?
Pippin: Nothing, that’s just how the song goes.
Merry: You make no sense.
Saruman: If you both are quite finished with your explorations, perhaps you would find the house a bit more suitable to your adventurous tastes.
Pippin: You talk funny.
Merry: Pippin! Don’t be rude.
Gollum: The house, yes, precious, the house. We goes inside now, yes?
Saruman: Yes, I suppose we do. I trust you’ll be on your proper behavior from now on. Until I tell you otherwise. And we haven’t finished with this little chat of ours.
[Gollum whimpers and slinks away.]
Merry: (watching him leave) He’s a strange one.
Pippin: (to Saruman) Hey, are you a wizard like Gandalf? Shouldn’t you have a hat? Gandalf has a hat. Where’s your cane? Do you make fireworks too? You and Gandalf should do a show together. That would be neat! Why aren’t your robes grey? Or do all wizards have different colored robes? Do the colors mean anything? And I thought your robes were supposed to be white. Why is it all different colors? Or is it just dirty? Don’t you ever get them cleaned? How old are you?
Saruman: The next time you two decide to make a nuisance of yourself, I suggest you make sure I’m not around to be annoyed by it. (leaves)
Merry: What’s got him so crabby?
Pippin: (already halfway up the ladder) Who cares? Come on! I bet I can swing farther out than you.
Merry: You’re going to lose that bet.
**********
Week 7: Food, Dwarves and Radio Stars: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
The housemates party after a day of house cleaning. Legolas was taking great pride in seeing he has more elf babes than Glorfindel…
~*~
[Pippin finally wins the limbo contest and goes hunting for Merry, who has Sam cornered in the shadows, apparently talking him into something. Glorfindel picks this time to go around and check on everyone. Frodo’s catching his breath and listening to Arwen as she yammers on about Aragorn. Eowyn and Boromir are steaming up one of the booths; there are lots of shot glasses on the table. Gimli is showing some Elves how to do the Macarena. Glorfindel then makes his way to a table surrounded by elf babes. They see him coming.]
Elf Babe #43: Hey, isn’t that Glorfindel!
Elf Babe #57: Oh, he’s so dreamy!
Elf Babe #28: And I love what’s he’s done with his hair. (several of the other elf babes agree)
Legolas: Oh please, don’t make me ill.
Elf Babe #14: He’s coming this way!
Legolas: Who cares? Let’s turn the attention back to me, shall we?
[Glorfindel comes up to table and smiles at everyone. Several of the elf babes swoon. Legolas grits his teeth.]
Glorfindel: (flips hair) Hello.
Elf Babes: (giggle)
Legolas: (steaming) What do you want?
Glorfindel: Just thought I’d check on everyone and see that you’re all having a pleasurable evening.
Elf Babes: (giggle more)
Legolas: Yes, we’re having a fine time. You can leave now.
Elf Babe #72: Why don’t you join us, Glory? You’ve hardly been around the last couple of months. We’ve missed you.
Elf Babe #43: Yes, it’s been very lonely. We need comfort.
Legolas: What about me?
Elf Babe #14: I’m sorry Leggy, but I don’t think Glory goes for that sort of thing.
Legolas: That’s it! You and me. Outside. NOW!
[Legolas stomps off. Glorfindel just shrugs, smiles at the elf babes and sits down. They’re instantly all over him. Several minutes later, Legolas comes back, mad as hell and not about to take it any more.]
Legolas: Who do you think you are?
Glorfindel: I’m Glorfindel, High Elf Lord. I slew a Balrog.
Elf Babe #61: (somewhat suggestively) Tell us again how you slew that Balrog.
Glorfindel: I don’t know. It’s a harrowing tale.
Elf Babe #43: We’ll make it better.
Legolas: No! That’s it! ENOUGH! These are my babes! Leave them alone!
Glorfindel: Legolas, don’t make a scene. Just be glad I lent them to as long as I did.
Legolas: Lent? LENT?! I got them fair and square!
Glorfindel: I think they’re happy where they are right now.
Elf Babe #14: We can share you both.
Elf Babe #29: Yeah, there’s plenty of us to go around.
Legolas: No. It’s either me or him.
Elf Babe #55: Oh, don’t make us chose. Glory’s so… and you’re so… Oh, it’s impossible!
Elf Babe: #43: How about a dance off?
[The rest of the Elf Babes love this idea. They clear the dance floor and soon EVERYONE is watching to see what happens. Glorfindel and Legolas take the floor. The DJ starts spinning the records: Beat It by Michael Jackson, Staying Alive by the Bee Gees, Footloose by Kenny Loggins, Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry. It goes on for some time and the girls still can’t decide. Then Merry runs out onto the floor while Push It by Salt-N-Pepa is playing and steals all the girls away.]
Elf Babes: He’s so CUTE!
Legolas: Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!
Merry: Can I help it if I’m just too cute for words? … Ladies, follow me.
[All the Elf Babes follow him to the shadowy corner, where Pippin and Merry turn up the cute meter to 11. Legolas and Glorfindel are left on their own in the middle of the dance floor as everyone else goes back to whatever they were doing before.]
Glorfindel: Well, that was fun, don’t you think. Quite a good work out.
Legolas: I’m going to kill him.
Glorfindel: Now, Legolas, you can’t kill the Ring-bearer. That’s bad PR.
Legolas: Whatever. (stalks off)
Glorfindel: (realizing something) Where is Frodo?
[Glorfindel goes looking for Frodo and finds him bored out of his mind as he’s still listening to Arwen drone on about Aragorn.]
Arwen: And that was when he got chicken pox.
Frodo: Wasn’t he a little old for chicken pox?
Arwen: Yes. He was left with some scars. They’re kind of in an embarrassing place. Don’t tell him I told you though.
Frodo: Oh, I won’t.
Glorfindel: Frodo! There you are. Mind if I steal you away for a moment?
Frodo: Actually, um (looks around trying to find someone) There was someone…
Arwen: You have a date! And I’ve been talking your ear off. You should have told me sooner. Go and get her, tiger.
Frodo: Um, right, thank you. (leaves quickly)
Glorfindel: (acting normal) He has a date? Who?
Arwen: No one, silly. He was looking for Sam. He obviously didn’t want to talk to you.
Glorfindel: Yeah, cause he was just riveted by your Aragorn stories. And while we’re on the subject, where is Sam anyway? These hobbits are very hard to keep track of.
Arwen: Knowing Sam, he’s probably near the ale. And… yep, there he is, over by the bar.
Glorfindel: (yawning) I’m so ready for this night to end.
Arwen: (laughing) I can imagine. Wait till I tell Aragorn you had your gaggle stolen away by Merry! He’ll love it.
Glorfindel: Wait till I tell him about the hidden camera in his necklace.
Arwen: You wouldn’t.
Glorfindel: I would.
Arwen: You’re always taking away my fun.
Glorfindel: Just doing my job.
**********
Week 9: It’s all Relative
Gimli gave Arwen more than just flowers…
~*~
[Legolas and Gimli are standing on some road somewhere in Rivendell. Gimli’s digging around in the bushes, collecting flowers – roots, dirt and all. He places them lovingly in a basket lined with fine cloth.]
Legolas: This is a bad idea. REALLY bad. There are no words to describe how bad this idea is.
Gimli: Don’t be ridiculous. I know what I’m doing. There’s a standard procedure for winning any girl’s heart. And it starts with flowers.
Legolas: And it ends with her boyfriend knocking your teeth out.
Gimli: Men have nothing in the way of wooing, unlike the Dwarves. We’re masters in the art of love. We have to be. There are so few Dwarf-women, only the best wooers ever get any action.
Legolas: So you’re a virgin then?
Gimli: Very funny. Let’s see if it’s as funny when my ax is embedded in your stomach.
Legolas: Big words from a little man.
Gimli: You’re just teasing me now.
Legolas: It’s so much fun to do.
Gimli: (picking one last flower) Come. This should do it. My Lady awaits.
Legolas: Your funeral, you mean.
[Cut to late that night. Everyone’s out clubbing, except Arwen, who is taking the opportunity to do some Aragorn-spying. She’s very dismayed to see that he’s still somewhere near the Anduin. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. She quickly turns off the TV and goes to open the door. She’s very surprised to see Gimli standing there. He’s dressed in his flashiest chain mail and his hair is freshly washed. He has even braided his beard.]
Arwen: Gimli? What you doing here? I thought you went out with the others.
Gimli: Aye, I did, but the evening was rather dull, without your radiance to shine upon the stars.
Arwen: Ok. Um, well, I’m sorry I couldn’t come out. I’m… not feeling too well.
Gimli: Are you ill? I’ll take care of you. Lie down your pretty head, and I’ll bring you some tea and soup to ease your suffering.
Arwen: No, really, that’s not necessary. I’ll be fine. I’m feeling better already. (notices that Gimli’s holding something behind his back) And it looks like you already have something for me?
Gimli: (looking bashful) Aye, milady. Tis but a trifle gift, a pale comparison to your lustrous beauty. If the earth could bear forth even a fraction of your loveliness, t’would be a heavenly place indeed. (hands her the flowers, now arranged in a bouquet and placed in a crystal vase.)
Arwen: Oh! They’re lovely! Oh, Gimli, you didn’t have to do this.
Gimli: You accept the gift?
Arwen: Yes I do. Thank you.
Gimli: (suddenly getting WAY too excited) Excellent! So, where shall we start? A little nibbling on the neck? Caress the thighs?
Arwen: (backing away, now worried) What are you talking about?
Gimli: You know what I’m talking about.
[Gimli rushes for Arwen but she darts out of the way and out the door. He pursues her throughout the house. Think of any PePe LePu cartoon.]
Gimli: Ah! You like to play! You’re a feisty one!
Arwen: Get away from me, you freaky little midget!
[Finally, Gimli gets her cornered in the bathroom. He somehow manages to grab her you-know-whats. Arwen smacks him full across the face and sends him sprawling across the floor.]
Arwen: HOW DARE YOU! That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m telling Aragorn to come home RIGHT NOW!
[She stalks out of bathroom and locks herself in bedroom. Gimli pulls out a pipe and lights up.]
Gimli: Now that was good!
[Later that night. Everyone’s back from clubbing. Gimli has told Legolas what happened.]
Legolas: I told you it was a bad idea.
Gimli: What are you talking about? She wants me!
Legolas: She bitch-slapped you across the room.
Gimli: That’s second base!
Legolas: You’re a strange little people.
**********
Week 12: A Conspiracy Unmasked
Merry and Pippin get what’s coming to them, in the form of a VERY pissed off cousin…
~*~
Glorfindel: If this is how you want it, fine. Rest assured I shall repay you for your kindness. This isn’t over, Halfling.
Frodo: I know.
[Glorfindel lets him drop to the ground, then stalks off down the hall. Everyone waits till the back door slams, then breathes sighs of relief. Boromir helps Frodo up.]
Boromir: Are you all right?
Frodo: I’ll be fine, but I know a couple of other hobbits who will not be so fine.
Legolas: Go easy on them.
Frodo: And YOU! Helping them! I specifically remember asking you to help me keep an eye on them. How long has this been going on?
Legolas: (backing away) Well, only a month or so.
Frodo: A MONTH OR SO?!
Eowyn: Look, it was just harmless stuff. Until now. That dye isn’t going to wash out anytime soon.
Frodo: You knew? You all knew, didn’t you? And you didn’t tell me?
Gimli: We figured you had enough on your mind.
Frodo: So you allowed it to continue? How does that help? How? Tell me, because I’m drawing a blank.
Arwen: Frodo, it’ll be all right, you’ll see. Glory will calm down eventually and everything will be fine. He has a surprisingly good sense of humor, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have lasted this long.
Frodo: You’re all against me. I see your minds. You’re trying to drive me crazy so you can take the Ring for yourselves.
Boromir: No I’m not! … Er, I mean, um, no we’re not.
Frodo: It’s all perfectly clear now. Well, you can’t have it. It was entrusted to me. And if anything happens to me, it’s going to Sam, so just forget about it.
Gimli: Why does Sam get to have it?
Frodo: Because.
Eowyn: Because why?
Frodo: Because, the Ring is mine and Sam is mine, therefore the Ring goes to Sam.
[Frodo goes upstairs and into room, where the other hobbits are anxiously waiting for him. They jump in surprise he bursts in and slams the door.]
Merry: We can explain.
Frodo: I don’t want to hear your explanations. I don’t want to hear anything out of either of you. … Sam.
Sam: (nervously) Yes, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Can you leave us? I have to teach my cousins a lesson.
Sam: Well, I suppose I should stay.
Frodo: Why?
Pippin: Yeah, Sam? Why?
Merry: Just leave, Sam. Go.
Sam: But…
Frodo: Out. I don’t want to have to tell you again.
Sam: But, I should really tell you something.
Frodo: (beyond losing his patience) SAM! OUT! NOW!
Sam: Ok. (leaves)
Frodo: Now, as for you two…
[Meanwhile, downstairs, just after Frodo left]
Boromir: See, I told you, didn’t I? Sam is ‘his’?
Legolas: (sighing) Do we have to have this conversation again? They’re not gay.
Boromir: Think about it! Who takes their gardener on a Quest? And what kind of gardener is he anyway? Have you ever seen him garden anything? Huh? Have you?
Eowyn: Why would he? These aren’t his gardens to tend to. Besides, it’s winter.
Arwen: You’re reading too much into things, Borry.
Gimli: They’re just close.
Boromir: Yes, but how close? See, that’s the question.
Legolas: I really don’t want to be having this conversation.
Sam: Excuse me?
Housemates: AHHH!
Boromir: How long have you been standing there?
Sam: Just a second or two.
Boromir: Oh... ok.
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
[Incredibly awkward pause]
Sam: So anyway, I was wondering, Legolas, if you could make some more of that sleeping draft for Mr. Frodo. He’s gotten himself wound up awfully tight over this whole prank business. I’ve never seen him like this before, and I thought it might help him relax.
Legolas: Um, yeah, sure, of course. No problem.
Boromir: There’s no other way you could help him relax?
Sam: (confused) Well, I could make tea I suppose, but the sleeping draft would work faster, I think and … why are you all looking at me like that?
Housemates: Like what?
Sam: (shaking his head) Big folk. You’re a strange lot, meaning no disrespect. (goes to kitchen)
[Meanwhile, upstairs…]
Frodo: You’ve pulled some big ones before in the past, Merry, but this, tormenting an elf, a High Elf at that… You leave me no choice.
Pippin: (cowering into a corner) Look, you’re really making this more than what it is.
Frodo: And you! ‘Fool of Took’ isn’t the half of it! In fact, it’s an insult to fools.
Pippin: Now that’s just cruel.
Frodo: Cruel? You haven’t seen cruel yet.
[Frodo advances on Merry and Pippin, pulling something out of his pants pocket]
Pippin: NO! NO! Please! Anything but that!
[Screen goes black]
Announcer: Due to its graphic nature, the rest of this scene cannot be shown as originally taped and has been edited for content.
***
[Cut to kitchen. A very disheveled Frodo enters to find everyone sitting around and not saying much of anything. Sam hands him something to drink.]
Gimli: You’re not looking so well, Master Hobbit.
Frodo: Trust me when I say Merry and Pippin had the worst of it.
Arwen: Why? What happened?
Frodo: (nervously) I had no choice; it’s the only thing that would get through to them. I just hope it doesn’t damage them too much in the end.
Eowyn: What did you do?
Frodo: It’s just a bit of music.
Gimli: What kind of music?
Frodo: Just, you know, The Carpenters, Neil Diamond, Barbara Streisand, Bill Ray Cyrus, Yoko Ono, and…
Arwen: And?
Frodo: And…
Boromir: Yes?
Frodo: (barely audible) And Barney.
Legolas: (appalled) Oh, Frodo. That is just not right.
Frodo: I know! (buries head in hands) Mean, cruel hobbit!
Sam: (somewhere between horrified and relieved) Now, Mr. Frodo, don’t do that. You only did what you had to. Don’t fret on it. We’ll save them some of this sleeping draft and by the time they wake up in the morning, they’ll be as good as new. Even better. You’ll see.
Frodo: I suppose so.
Boromir: Wait. Why would they even listen to that stuff?
Frodo: I had to tie them down. They put up a pretty good fight though. I’m going to be bruised in the morning.
Boromir: Really? You’re good at tying down hobbits are you?
Frodo: (confused) What?
Sam: Oh, never mind him. He’s got it in his head that we’re gay.
Boromir: Hey! You said you didn’t hear that!
Sam: You never asked me what I heard. You asked me how long I’ve been standing there, but I do have ears you know.
Frodo: Gay? Us? Where would you get an idea like that?
Boromir: Well… um, you, uh… you’re always… see, you… with the… and… you know.
Frodo: Whatever.
Legolas: (suddenly thinking of something) Oh Eru! I don’t have to listen to that stuff do I? Please, let the grace of the Valar protect me. Let me be spared.
Frodo: I’m hardly capable of punishing you.
Legolas: Oh… right. Good to know.
Boromir: So, then, you’re just friends?
Eowyn: Yes, they’re just friends. Get over it all ready.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Glorfindel: So, that’s it. The untold stories behind the Lord of the Real World – Rivendell. Now, I have to get out of here before Elrond finds out I’m back from my Gollum mission and comes after me. … Like he really stands a chance.
[Glorfindel exists. Fade to black]
[End Credits]
No hobbits, or gangly hobbit-like creatures, were harmed during the making of this production.
THE END!
GF 2003
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