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gamgee_ficsRating: G
Warning: AU
Genre: Parody
Summary: Written in response to the news media picking apart every tiny little thing that Obama does (the man can't scratch his cheek or swat a fly? Really?)
Coming up on GNN (Gondor News Network): He says he's just a friend, but what is the real relationship between King Elessar and his hobbit 'buddy' Frodo Baggins? Valawefar has some exclusive photos that may shed new light on all those internet chat room rumors. But first...
Head news anchor Celethor: During his speech to his court this morning, King Elessar stopped right in the middle of his State of the Kindgom address to scratch his nose. Those with quick eyes and slow-mo buttons on their Tivos noticed that the king was using his pinky finger when he did this. Now, what does this mean?
Top court correspondent Kielsatir: I think it means his nose was itchy.
Celethor: But couldn't it mean something more?
Junior news anchor Findalio: Absolutely. Everyone knows that he got this tea party habit from his 'just friends' the hobbits, and that when drinking tea from those little cups, one tends to point their pinky finger up. So the fact that he used his pinky finger to 'scratch' his nose was both his way of slighting the court, since using his thumb would be too obvious, and trying to integrate these outlandish hobbit habits into our society. He's trying to turn Gondor into the Shire.
Celethor: Absolutely, I couldn't agree with you more. We already broke the expose last week revealing how he spent years of his life stalking Shirelings right in their own country! He's fixated on this idea of "Shire-life" and doesn't care what it's going to do to *our* way of life. His people are telling him they don't want it, but he just goes right on ahead. He's a tryant!
Kielsatir: Um... well... he... he's a king, so...
Findalio: Exactly, thank you, Kiel. King Elessar is just out of touch with reality. We all saw that picture of him on the Citadel lawn the other morning and... Can we put up that picture? Can we... Yes, thank you. See, here he is in his robe and slippers. Can we zoom in on the slippers. Yes, look at that! Those are fuzzy slippers! I've never seen slippers that fuzzy! And what do hobbits grow on their feet?! FUR!
Celethor: This is very disturbing indeed. Something has to be done about this.
Kielsatir: Well, don't you think we should be talking about the State of the Kingdom address? He made some very crucial points about the kingdom in that speech that I think are worth discussion, such as the rapid decline in orc attacks since the overthrow of the Dark Lord.
Celethor: Right you are, Kiel. We have a bit of the tape from that address. Let's air it now.
(Screen shows tape from speech:
Elessar: From this day forth, there will be no new taxes on imported items...
Frame freezes on close up of Elessar and zooms into a pipe stem poking out of his shirt pocket.)
Celethor: See that! Right there! More proof of his obsession with the hobbits. Everyone by now knows that he picked up this smoking habit during those years he was stalking the Shirelings. They smoke this leaf up there, they call it leaf but it's actually weed, and I am not convinced that it has any kind of medicinal value at all, as athelas does.
Findalio: Athelas - King's *foil*. Mmmm-hm.
Celethor: This pipeweed has been said to lead to letharic behavior, hallucinations of exploding fire in the sky, and an increase in hunger, I mean, he's been eating like a goat a day up there. There's video of him the other day in court when he has clearly just gotten back from having a smoke. His eyes were dilated and his speech was slurred. You could smell the weed on him. And he wants to import this weed into our country, and he's foregoing the taxes as an incentive for people to buy it and become addicted to it! Of course, he doesn't need to tax it because he's getting a kickback from his 'friends' the Shirelings who will be selling it to us at a 500% mark up.
Findalio: It's dirty money, is what it is. He's got all these friends and allies all over the Wild. He's in the pockets of who knows how many wizards and elves. He was *raised* by Elves! He wasn't even *born* in Gondor. Does he even have a right to the throne? I haven't seen a lineage chart yet!
Celethor: And you never will.
Kielsatir: Guys, guys! Calm down and let's try to look at this with a little perspective.
Celethor: Kiel, please, this is a one-hour news show. We don't have time for perspective. We only have time to rile people up. Next up! Exclusive photos of the king and a certain 'Ring-bearer' - I certainly didn't see him bearing any rings at the royal nuptials - on the beaches of Belfalas. Stay tuned.
GF 7/4/09
Warning: AU
Genre: Parody
Summary: Written in response to the news media picking apart every tiny little thing that Obama does (the man can't scratch his cheek or swat a fly? Really?)
Coming up on GNN (Gondor News Network): He says he's just a friend, but what is the real relationship between King Elessar and his hobbit 'buddy' Frodo Baggins? Valawefar has some exclusive photos that may shed new light on all those internet chat room rumors. But first...
Head news anchor Celethor: During his speech to his court this morning, King Elessar stopped right in the middle of his State of the Kindgom address to scratch his nose. Those with quick eyes and slow-mo buttons on their Tivos noticed that the king was using his pinky finger when he did this. Now, what does this mean?
Top court correspondent Kielsatir: I think it means his nose was itchy.
Celethor: But couldn't it mean something more?
Junior news anchor Findalio: Absolutely. Everyone knows that he got this tea party habit from his 'just friends' the hobbits, and that when drinking tea from those little cups, one tends to point their pinky finger up. So the fact that he used his pinky finger to 'scratch' his nose was both his way of slighting the court, since using his thumb would be too obvious, and trying to integrate these outlandish hobbit habits into our society. He's trying to turn Gondor into the Shire.
Celethor: Absolutely, I couldn't agree with you more. We already broke the expose last week revealing how he spent years of his life stalking Shirelings right in their own country! He's fixated on this idea of "Shire-life" and doesn't care what it's going to do to *our* way of life. His people are telling him they don't want it, but he just goes right on ahead. He's a tryant!
Kielsatir: Um... well... he... he's a king, so...
Findalio: Exactly, thank you, Kiel. King Elessar is just out of touch with reality. We all saw that picture of him on the Citadel lawn the other morning and... Can we put up that picture? Can we... Yes, thank you. See, here he is in his robe and slippers. Can we zoom in on the slippers. Yes, look at that! Those are fuzzy slippers! I've never seen slippers that fuzzy! And what do hobbits grow on their feet?! FUR!
Celethor: This is very disturbing indeed. Something has to be done about this.
Kielsatir: Well, don't you think we should be talking about the State of the Kingdom address? He made some very crucial points about the kingdom in that speech that I think are worth discussion, such as the rapid decline in orc attacks since the overthrow of the Dark Lord.
Celethor: Right you are, Kiel. We have a bit of the tape from that address. Let's air it now.
(Screen shows tape from speech:
Elessar: From this day forth, there will be no new taxes on imported items...
Frame freezes on close up of Elessar and zooms into a pipe stem poking out of his shirt pocket.)
Celethor: See that! Right there! More proof of his obsession with the hobbits. Everyone by now knows that he picked up this smoking habit during those years he was stalking the Shirelings. They smoke this leaf up there, they call it leaf but it's actually weed, and I am not convinced that it has any kind of medicinal value at all, as athelas does.
Findalio: Athelas - King's *foil*. Mmmm-hm.
Celethor: This pipeweed has been said to lead to letharic behavior, hallucinations of exploding fire in the sky, and an increase in hunger, I mean, he's been eating like a goat a day up there. There's video of him the other day in court when he has clearly just gotten back from having a smoke. His eyes were dilated and his speech was slurred. You could smell the weed on him. And he wants to import this weed into our country, and he's foregoing the taxes as an incentive for people to buy it and become addicted to it! Of course, he doesn't need to tax it because he's getting a kickback from his 'friends' the Shirelings who will be selling it to us at a 500% mark up.
Findalio: It's dirty money, is what it is. He's got all these friends and allies all over the Wild. He's in the pockets of who knows how many wizards and elves. He was *raised* by Elves! He wasn't even *born* in Gondor. Does he even have a right to the throne? I haven't seen a lineage chart yet!
Celethor: And you never will.
Kielsatir: Guys, guys! Calm down and let's try to look at this with a little perspective.
Celethor: Kiel, please, this is a one-hour news show. We don't have time for perspective. We only have time to rile people up. Next up! Exclusive photos of the king and a certain 'Ring-bearer' - I certainly didn't see him bearing any rings at the royal nuptials - on the beaches of Belfalas. Stay tuned.
GF 7/4/09
