gamgee_fics (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 08:06 pm
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 08:06 pm
Entry tags:
- au,
- cirith ungol,
- denethor,
- eomer,
- eowyn,
- frodo baggins,
- galadriel,
- gollum,
- gondor,
- humor,
- men,
- merry brandybuck,
- mordor,
- orcs,
- parody,
- peregrin took,
- quest,
- sam gamgee,
- shelob,
- theoden
Return of the Dude
Title: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 10
Chapter 38: Shelob’s Lair
(Michael Corleone Gollum plops Frodo onto cave floor, just as he starts coming to. Gollum dashes off as Frodo sits up and rubs his head.)
Frodo: Dude! What in the-? Someone hit me! So rude. (Gets up and looks around.) Dude, where’s my Sam? Where am I? What’s that narly smell? Did Pippin forget his deodorant again? (looks around again, sees nothing) Hello! Anyone home!
Dude Gollum: (hiding somewhere) Yeah. What’s it to you, bro?
Frodo: Smeagol? (starts stumbling forward) Where are you? I can’t see; someone hit me!
Smeagol: They did? (cackles)
Frodo: Smeagol?
Smeagol: Do you want to play a game? We’re playing already.
Frodo: We are! I like games. What are playin’, bro?
Smeagol: Hide and seek.
Frodo: And you’re It?
Smeagol: Nope, you are. (cackles)
Frodo: Don’t be a dork butt. I’m not even hiding.
Yoda Gollum: You will be. Oh yes, you will be.
(Something goes bump in the dark.)
Frodo: Smeagol? (no answer) Smeagol? (no answer) SKINNY DUDE! (still nothing). Dude, where the frick is Sam? Is he hiding too!
(Something goes bump again. Frodo starts running and runs finally realizes that the cave is lit by a blue light of questionable source. He looks up and sees creepy dead things suspended in spider webs.)
Frodo: Wicked cool! … I mean - (runs away)
(Cut to Stairs of Cirith Ungol. Sam’s actually going DOWN them. He slips and falls and conveniently lands on a landing, and spots the lembas bread, which just happens to be there.)
Sam: The lembas bread! (reached for lembas bread, then suddenly gets a clue) Wait a minute! Frodo alone with Gollum… Me finding the lembas… Gosh darn it! We’re following the frickin’ script again! (looks up stairs) I’m coming, Master Dude! Don’t wig out!
(Cut back to cave. Frodo’s wigging out, big time. He stumbles backward into massive web, and just to make sure he’s good and caught, he keeps crawling backward until his back hits a rock. Cue arm bone falling into lap.)
Frodo: Oh, this is sooo cliché.
(Cue Shelob, from behind him.)
Frodo: Oh crap! (squeezes eyes shut) ‘Spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them.’
Shelob: (creeps forward)
Frodo: Screw that!
Galadriel: Psst! Ring Dude!
Frodo: Ahhh! Scary Elf Lady! Get out of my head!
Galadriel: Just listen! Use the vial, you numb nuts!
Frodo: Oh, yeah, huh? (takes out Light of Earendil perfume bottle) “Eight Legged Creatures” don’t fail me now! (shakes bottle and it starts glowing) Dude, check it! It’s a night light too. Bonus!
Shelob: (gets tired of waiting for dialogue cue and attacks)
(Frodo jumps onto feet, swirls around and sprays Shelob right in the eyes.)
Shelob: Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggggggg!
Frodo: Woot! It works! Go me!
Shelob: (even more ticked off than before) Oh, you are sooo gonna be eaten for that.
(Frodo tries spraying perfume again, but the sprayer malfunctions.)
Frodo: Dude! EVERY frickin’ time! (runs away)
(Shelob gives chase, and Frodo miraculously outruns her, until he gets caught in her Mega Web of Death. Thinking she has him, Shelob decides to draw out the angst by doing the Slow-Mo Creepy Walk, and thus giving Frodo plenty of time to escape.)
Smeagol: (coming out from hiding and singing)
Uhhh, I like it like that,
she working that back,
I don't know how to act, Slow motion for me, slow motion for me,
Slow motion for me, move in slow motion for me
Frodo: Why you little Stinker! (cuts himself loose)
Smeagol: Aw, man! (runs away)
Frodo: I’m free! (sees Shelob right behind him) Oh crap.
(Runs away and alls through a crack to outside cave. Gollum comes outta nowhere and strangles him.)
Michael Corleone Gollum: Where you think you’re going? Did you think you got away? I don’t think you got away.
Hippy Gollum: Give us the Precious, man! We won’t be oppressed anymore, man!
(Fight ensues, and just to prove that he’s not a complete wuss, Frodo gets in a couple of punches and miraculously winds up strangling Gollum.)
Smeagol: Wait! (gack) It was (wheeze) the Precious Dude! (gack wheeze) The Precious made us do it!
Frodo: Yeah, that I’m really gonna fall for that. NOT! (keeps strangling him)
Dude Gollum: Um, bro, you know, you’re not supposed to kill us yet. You’re supposed to do the self-sacrificing martyrdom thing.
Bato Gollum: Yeah, man, ‘member? You ‘member!
Frodo: Yeah, I ‘member… and I don’t care! (keeps strangling him)
Wrestler Gollum: Oh, so, you’re going to play it rough! I’ll show you rough. (flips Frodo over and manages to wrestle himself free)
Dude Gollum: See you, sucka! (jumps off cliff, parachute opens when he’s halfway down)
Frodo: Like I said, every FRICKIN’ time! I shoulda let Sam kill him.
Chapter 39: Merry’s Simple Courage
(Cut to Random Rohirrim Riders taking a break from riding. Éomer rides up to Théoden.)
Éomer: The Scouts are here! How many Thin Mint Cookies you want?
Théoden: How much per box?
Éomer: Three dollars.
Théoden: Three dollars?! What the frick! Oh, well, get me two boxes.
Éomer: (shouting) Two boxes!!
Théoden: What news of Minas Tirith?
Éomer: Huh? … Oh! Right. Minas Tirith. Yeah, well, they’re massively screwed. They’re surrounded on all sides and the lower level’s a fire pit. It’ll be leveled by night fall. We’re having a poll as to what time it’ll fall. I’ve got midnight.
Théoden: Put me down for 11:30.
Éomer: You got it dude.
(Not too far away, Éowyn and Merry are standing about without their helmets on. Um, aren’t they supposed to be there IN SECRET? And no one NOTICES them?)
Éowyn: Don’t worry, Esquire Dude. We’ll be dead soon, and then none of this will matter.
Merry: Well, that’s one way to look at it. (realizes this is a perfect opportunity for more screen time and decides to milk it) Oh Lady! Fair as fresh snow on a winter’s day! Beautiful as a banquet table laden down with the Harvest feast! Brave as anyone whose ever tried to take food from Pippin! Young as a—
Éowyn: Oh, shut up. Let’s get plastered.
Merry: Kay.
(Just then, Théoden gives the forward march call.)
Éowyn: That’s a’ight. I’ve got hooch. (takes out flask)
Merry: Sweet!
Chapter 40: Grond – The Hammer of the Underworld
[Nighttime at Gondor. Orcs are still tossing great balls of fire over the walls of Minas Tirith and Grond still has not battered down the door. This is kind of a pointless chapter, really. I mean, really, the title character doesn’t even DO anything!]
Chapter 41: The Tomb of the Stewards
[Meanwhile, back at the Citadel, Pippin is keeping watch and actually staying out of the way for a change. Until Denethor comes down followed by a legion of mindless drones carrying Faramir on a stretcher.]
Denethor: Once upon a time when I was sane, I was a Steward, like only the greatest ever in all the lands. Now the frickin’ writers have me reduced to a raving loon spouting monologue for the soul purpose of giving exposition. Well, no more I say! No frickin more!
Pippin: Oh, this can’t be good.
Denethor: Let’s see them find the hope and love now!
[Walks behind tree, which is miraculously in bloom. Wow, can you say “metaphor”?]
[Cut to pretty, long shot of Denethor and mindless drones walking to the Tomb of Stewards, with Pippin tagging far behind.]
Denethor: “My, but what big spears you have.” “The better to kill you with, Red.”
Mindless Drone #1: Um, who is he talkin’ to, bro?
Mindless Drone #2: (shrugs)
[Cut to inside tomb.]
Denethor: No tomb for Denethor and Faramir.
Mindless Drone #1: Then why are we here?
Denethor: No, no pretty. No rotting in rags and turning dust to dust ash to ash for us. No worms going in, no worms going out, no worms playing pinnacle on our spout. No way, dude. We’re waaay better than that. We will burn. Burn! BURN! Muahahahahahaha!
Continued in Part 12
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 10
Chapter 38: Shelob’s Lair
(Michael Corleone Gollum plops Frodo onto cave floor, just as he starts coming to. Gollum dashes off as Frodo sits up and rubs his head.)
Frodo: Dude! What in the-? Someone hit me! So rude. (Gets up and looks around.) Dude, where’s my Sam? Where am I? What’s that narly smell? Did Pippin forget his deodorant again? (looks around again, sees nothing) Hello! Anyone home!
Dude Gollum: (hiding somewhere) Yeah. What’s it to you, bro?
Frodo: Smeagol? (starts stumbling forward) Where are you? I can’t see; someone hit me!
Smeagol: They did? (cackles)
Frodo: Smeagol?
Smeagol: Do you want to play a game? We’re playing already.
Frodo: We are! I like games. What are playin’, bro?
Smeagol: Hide and seek.
Frodo: And you’re It?
Smeagol: Nope, you are. (cackles)
Frodo: Don’t be a dork butt. I’m not even hiding.
Yoda Gollum: You will be. Oh yes, you will be.
(Something goes bump in the dark.)
Frodo: Smeagol? (no answer) Smeagol? (no answer) SKINNY DUDE! (still nothing). Dude, where the frick is Sam? Is he hiding too!
(Something goes bump again. Frodo starts running and runs finally realizes that the cave is lit by a blue light of questionable source. He looks up and sees creepy dead things suspended in spider webs.)
Frodo: Wicked cool! … I mean - (runs away)
(Cut to Stairs of Cirith Ungol. Sam’s actually going DOWN them. He slips and falls and conveniently lands on a landing, and spots the lembas bread, which just happens to be there.)
Sam: The lembas bread! (reached for lembas bread, then suddenly gets a clue) Wait a minute! Frodo alone with Gollum… Me finding the lembas… Gosh darn it! We’re following the frickin’ script again! (looks up stairs) I’m coming, Master Dude! Don’t wig out!
(Cut back to cave. Frodo’s wigging out, big time. He stumbles backward into massive web, and just to make sure he’s good and caught, he keeps crawling backward until his back hits a rock. Cue arm bone falling into lap.)
Frodo: Oh, this is sooo cliché.
(Cue Shelob, from behind him.)
Frodo: Oh crap! (squeezes eyes shut) ‘Spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them.’
Shelob: (creeps forward)
Frodo: Screw that!
Galadriel: Psst! Ring Dude!
Frodo: Ahhh! Scary Elf Lady! Get out of my head!
Galadriel: Just listen! Use the vial, you numb nuts!
Frodo: Oh, yeah, huh? (takes out Light of Earendil perfume bottle) “Eight Legged Creatures” don’t fail me now! (shakes bottle and it starts glowing) Dude, check it! It’s a night light too. Bonus!
Shelob: (gets tired of waiting for dialogue cue and attacks)
(Frodo jumps onto feet, swirls around and sprays Shelob right in the eyes.)
Shelob: Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggggggg!
Frodo: Woot! It works! Go me!
Shelob: (even more ticked off than before) Oh, you are sooo gonna be eaten for that.
(Frodo tries spraying perfume again, but the sprayer malfunctions.)
Frodo: Dude! EVERY frickin’ time! (runs away)
(Shelob gives chase, and Frodo miraculously outruns her, until he gets caught in her Mega Web of Death. Thinking she has him, Shelob decides to draw out the angst by doing the Slow-Mo Creepy Walk, and thus giving Frodo plenty of time to escape.)
Smeagol: (coming out from hiding and singing)
Uhhh, I like it like that,
she working that back,
I don't know how to act, Slow motion for me, slow motion for me,
Slow motion for me, move in slow motion for me
Frodo: Why you little Stinker! (cuts himself loose)
Smeagol: Aw, man! (runs away)
Frodo: I’m free! (sees Shelob right behind him) Oh crap.
(Runs away and alls through a crack to outside cave. Gollum comes outta nowhere and strangles him.)
Michael Corleone Gollum: Where you think you’re going? Did you think you got away? I don’t think you got away.
Hippy Gollum: Give us the Precious, man! We won’t be oppressed anymore, man!
(Fight ensues, and just to prove that he’s not a complete wuss, Frodo gets in a couple of punches and miraculously winds up strangling Gollum.)
Smeagol: Wait! (gack) It was (wheeze) the Precious Dude! (gack wheeze) The Precious made us do it!
Frodo: Yeah, that I’m really gonna fall for that. NOT! (keeps strangling him)
Dude Gollum: Um, bro, you know, you’re not supposed to kill us yet. You’re supposed to do the self-sacrificing martyrdom thing.
Bato Gollum: Yeah, man, ‘member? You ‘member!
Frodo: Yeah, I ‘member… and I don’t care! (keeps strangling him)
Wrestler Gollum: Oh, so, you’re going to play it rough! I’ll show you rough. (flips Frodo over and manages to wrestle himself free)
Dude Gollum: See you, sucka! (jumps off cliff, parachute opens when he’s halfway down)
Frodo: Like I said, every FRICKIN’ time! I shoulda let Sam kill him.
Chapter 39: Merry’s Simple Courage
(Cut to Random Rohirrim Riders taking a break from riding. Éomer rides up to Théoden.)
Éomer: The Scouts are here! How many Thin Mint Cookies you want?
Théoden: How much per box?
Éomer: Three dollars.
Théoden: Three dollars?! What the frick! Oh, well, get me two boxes.
Éomer: (shouting) Two boxes!!
Théoden: What news of Minas Tirith?
Éomer: Huh? … Oh! Right. Minas Tirith. Yeah, well, they’re massively screwed. They’re surrounded on all sides and the lower level’s a fire pit. It’ll be leveled by night fall. We’re having a poll as to what time it’ll fall. I’ve got midnight.
Théoden: Put me down for 11:30.
Éomer: You got it dude.
(Not too far away, Éowyn and Merry are standing about without their helmets on. Um, aren’t they supposed to be there IN SECRET? And no one NOTICES them?)
Éowyn: Don’t worry, Esquire Dude. We’ll be dead soon, and then none of this will matter.
Merry: Well, that’s one way to look at it. (realizes this is a perfect opportunity for more screen time and decides to milk it) Oh Lady! Fair as fresh snow on a winter’s day! Beautiful as a banquet table laden down with the Harvest feast! Brave as anyone whose ever tried to take food from Pippin! Young as a—
Éowyn: Oh, shut up. Let’s get plastered.
Merry: Kay.
(Just then, Théoden gives the forward march call.)
Éowyn: That’s a’ight. I’ve got hooch. (takes out flask)
Merry: Sweet!
Chapter 40: Grond – The Hammer of the Underworld
[Nighttime at Gondor. Orcs are still tossing great balls of fire over the walls of Minas Tirith and Grond still has not battered down the door. This is kind of a pointless chapter, really. I mean, really, the title character doesn’t even DO anything!]
Chapter 41: The Tomb of the Stewards
[Meanwhile, back at the Citadel, Pippin is keeping watch and actually staying out of the way for a change. Until Denethor comes down followed by a legion of mindless drones carrying Faramir on a stretcher.]
Denethor: Once upon a time when I was sane, I was a Steward, like only the greatest ever in all the lands. Now the frickin’ writers have me reduced to a raving loon spouting monologue for the soul purpose of giving exposition. Well, no more I say! No frickin more!
Pippin: Oh, this can’t be good.
Denethor: Let’s see them find the hope and love now!
[Walks behind tree, which is miraculously in bloom. Wow, can you say “metaphor”?]
[Cut to pretty, long shot of Denethor and mindless drones walking to the Tomb of Stewards, with Pippin tagging far behind.]
Denethor: “My, but what big spears you have.” “The better to kill you with, Red.”
Mindless Drone #1: Um, who is he talkin’ to, bro?
Mindless Drone #2: (shrugs)
[Cut to inside tomb.]
Denethor: No tomb for Denethor and Faramir.
Mindless Drone #1: Then why are we here?
Denethor: No, no pretty. No rotting in rags and turning dust to dust ash to ash for us. No worms going in, no worms going out, no worms playing pinnacle on our spout. No way, dude. We’re waaay better than that. We will burn. Burn! BURN! Muahahahahahaha!
Continued in Part 12