Return of the Dude

[gamgee_fics]

Title: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.


Continued from Part 7



Chapter 27: The Parting of Frodo and Sam

(Meanwhile, back near Mordor, Frodo is taking a snooze in and Gollum is doing the worst pretend snoring EVER! What a faker. Sam finally nods off and Gollum makes his move. He sneaks down from his rock and pretends to riffle around in Sam’s pack until Sam wakes up.)

Sam: Ah-huh! I caught you, you little sneak!

Smeagol: Little fatso is always so polite. You attack us, starve us, strangle us, threaten us, and insult us. Still, we show you secret way into Mordor no one else knows. And you call us a sneak? Sneak?!

Sam: Dude, shut up, I don’t wanna be hearing that prattle. I know what you’re doing. (reaches down and shakes Frodo awake) Wake up, Mr. Frodo. Wait’ll you see this.

Frodo: Five more minutes.

Sam: Sorry bro, but you gotta get up. He’s doing it again.

Frodo: (getting up) Doing what again?

Sam: Trying to sabotage us. I caught him fair and square. He was sneaking ‘round in my pack!

Frodo: Yeah, and?

Sam: And, he was nicking the lembas! Yeah, that’s right! He had his dirty, grimy paws all up in my pack!

Hood Gollum: Oh sure, I see now. Try to place the blame on the little guy. Making up crimes where there are none. Where is the love, man?

Frodo: What are you babbling about?

Hood Gollum: Just this. I didn’t take your stinking lembas.

Sam: You did too!

Frodo: Sam, did you actually see him toss the lembas?

Sam: Well, no. But I don’t gotta. I know he did. See? (opens pack, reaches in and pulls out all the lembas) Um…

Frodo: Dude, that’s it. You’re eating something, at least enough to stop the hallucinations. Please, bro, I’m begging ya.

Sam: But I wasn’t hallucinating! He was going through my pack!

Bato Gollum: Always pointing the finger, aren’t you, Sancho.

Sam: (losing it) I AM NOT HIS SANCHO! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

(Throws lembas down on cliff and starts pummeling Gollum. Frodo pries them apart.)

Frodo: Dude, enough of this already! I can’t take it anymore! Every single second with you two! Go home!

Sam: What?! (clutches chest and falls against wall) WHAT?!

Frodo: (getting all worried) Dude, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean you! I was talking to Smeagol. Don’t croak on me, man, I need you bro! You’re my bestest best bud EVER!

Sam: Dude, don’t scare me like that.

Frodo: I’m sorry. Just, chill, kay, take deep breaths. That’s it. You got it bro. Deeeep breaths, you’re doing awesome!

Sam: I did see him going through my pack.

Frodo: I know. He’s obviously up to something. Let’s just get out of this scene before anything else screwy can go down, kay? You good? You can stand?

Sam: I think so. But… can we do the extreme close up first?

Frodo: Totally! Camera dude – extreme close up!

Sam: (zoom in close up shot of mouth) Wooooaaah!

Frodo: (zoom in close up shot of eyes) Woooooaaaaaahh!

Sam: (zoom in close up shot of mouth) Wooooaaah!

Frodo: (zoom in close up shot of eyes) Woooooaaaaaahh!

Frodo & Sam: (high five) All right, excellent, party!

(They get up, start to pick up their packs. Sam’s keeping his eyes peeled on Gollum and so doesn’t notice he’s standing dangerously close to the lembas, which is teetering on the edge of the cliff. Gollum sticks his tongue out and Sam goes in for a pretend punch, knocking the lembas over the cliff.)

Frodo: Sam! Dude!

Sam: Whoops.

(They all look at each other, then look down the cliff.)

Frodo: That’s like a really long way down. Any chance it’d be more than fairy dust after it lands?

Sam: Doubtful.

Frodo: But I’m starving. I’ve got mad munchies.

Sam: I spose I could go down and get it. But schizo’s gonna have to come with me. No way he’s staying here with you.

Frodo: Yeah right, he’ll push you off the stairs. Or you’ll push him. I’m not leaving you two alone.

Sam: So then what?

Frodo: You go down, get the lembas. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on Smeagol.

Sam: I don’t know, bro. That’s a little too close to the script if you ask me.

Frodo: Just go man. I’ll be fine. I won’t let him out of my sight, I swear.

(They glare down at Gollum, who has been standing around innocently this whole time.)

Sam: Kay, but remember Skinny Dude, you hurt him, I’m coming after you.

(Sam leaves, and Frodo sits watching Gollum like a hawk. For a long time, nothing happens, then Frodo starts drooping off to sleep again. Gollum sees his chance and takes it.)

Michael Corleone Gollum: Now you pay the price for betraying the Don. (hits Frodo over head with a rock, knocking him out completely) To the cave! (picks up Frodo and starts hauling him up the stairs)


Chapter 28: The Sacrifice of Faramir

(Back in Minas Tirith, Faramir and company ride in super slow mo down the streets on their March to Certain Doom. Random Gondorian Citizens line up for the funeral procession and toss flowers on street as they ride by, and the audience finally learns where all the dark-haired people in Middle Earth live. Gandalf comes outta nowhere and tries to talk some sense into Faramir.)

Gandalf: Come on, bro, don’t do this. Your father’s a raving lunatic. He probly wouldn’t even notice if you didn’t go.

Faramir: No way Wiz Dude. Boromir got skewered, so I will too. Borry’s not the only one who can prove his love to Dad. I can die too, gosh darn it! And I’m gonna, so there! (rides away)

Gandalf: Dude, you gotta stop it with this sibling rivalry thing already. You’re competing with a dead dude. There’s no winning that!

(Faramir and company continue down street and out gate toward Osgiliath. Shot of Random Gondorian Citizens standing on wall, watching the drama unfold. Vendors are walking about.)

Vendor #1: Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!

Random Gondorian Citizen #27: Hey, who’s hogging all the popcorn?!

(Meanwhile, up in the Citadel, Denethor’s eating the most disgusting meal since Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, while Pippin stands about and tries not retch.)

Denethor: Can you sing pipsqueak?

Pippin: Yeah, what’s it to you? … Uh, I mean, sure bro, absolutely, you betcha.

Denethor: Then sing me a tune.

Pippin: Kay. Like what?

Denethor: Something fruity.

Pippin: Fruity? If you say so bro. (clears throat, starts singing)
I've got a lovely bunch o' coconuts. 
There they are a-standin' in row. 
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!

Denethor: No, no. That’s no good. (breaks a chicken leg in half and starts munching on the bone) Something fitting, to set the mood.

Pippin: Kay, Steward Dude, but remember, you asked for it.
(starts singing)
They're coming to take you away ha-haaa
They're coming to take you away ho ho hee hee ha haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time…

Denethor: Now that’s what I’m talking about! (stuffs face with cherries, dripping juices down his chin. Mmmmm, appetizing.)

(Inner cut shots of Denethor stuffing his face, Pippin singing, Faramir and Company riding to their deaths, and Random Gondorian Citizen taking bets on how quickly the battle will end. And it ends rather quickly cuz, let’s face it, they’re outnumbered, have no advantage battleground wise, not even the element of surprise. Orcs yawn, aim, then go back to their strategizing.)

Random Gondorian Citizen #17: Yes! 2.1 seconds! I win the poll, you lose!

(Everyone grumbles and tosses their money at him.)


Chapter 29: The Marshalling at Dunharrow

(Théoden and company ride through encampment at Dunharrow, which looks suspiciously like the gathering of hippies at Woodstock.)

Théoden: Yo, bro!

Grimbold: ‘Sup man?

Théoden: How many?

Grimbold: Dude, we got 500 dudes! Who delivered?

Théoden: You did, bro! Way excellent! Fenmarch? How many?

Dude from Fenmarch: We got 300, man.

Théoden: Totally tubular. How about Snowbourn?

Dude from Fenmarch: They’re still thawing out, drinking hot cocoa. But we sent some bunnies up the slopes to fetch ‘em.

Théoden: Good thinking.

(Cut to above Dunharrow, where Théoden is looking out over encampment. Aragorn joins him.)

Théoden: 6000 spears.

Aragorn: 99 Red Balloons.

Théoden: Huh?

Aragorn: What? We’re not naming songs with numbers in their titles?

Théoden: No!

Aragorn: Oh, that explains why I never heard of 6000 Spears.

Théoden: Whatever dude. Look, point is, we only got half as many spears as I was hoping for.

Aragorn: Dude, that sucks. No way we’re breaking through the lines of Mordor with just 6000 spears. You know what we need? Men – to carry the spears!

Théoden: (humoring him) Yeah, dude, sure. I’ll get right on that.

Aragorn: But we can’t wait too long. We gotta get rolling come dawn, so if we don’t got enough bros by then, some of ‘em are just gonna have to carry extra spears.

Théoden: You got it dude.

(Just then, horses start freaking out for no apparent reason.)

Legolas: Look it. The horses are freaking out for no apparent reason.

Éomer: It’s the mountain. Gives ‘em the willies.

Gimli: How come?

Éomer: It’s haunted.

Legolas: Haunted?

Éomer: Yeah. Uncle’s convinced it’s just a bunch of posers, but we had a ghost detective team go down there once and they were never seen again. Shame too, I kinda had a thing going with Daphne.

Legolas & Gimli: Um, oooh-kay.

(Aragorn goes over to mountain pass entrance and thinks he sees a ghost when Gimli comes up behind him with a pressing matter.)

Gimli: Dude, let’s get some food. And Rick Cottontree is trying to split with your money.

Aragorn: He what?! Where is he?! (runs off in mad search for Rick Cottontree)

(Later that night, Éowyn is playing dress up with her brand new Merry doll.)

Éowyn: (singing)
I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world 
Life in plastic, it's fantastic 
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere 
Imagination, life is your creation 

Merry:
Come on, Barbie, let's go party

Éowyn: This is so much fun! (plops helmet on Merry’s head) There, now you’re Esquire Guy.

Merry: Excellent! (draws sword and nearly slices Éowyn in half) Whoops, sorry dudette.

Éowyn: No prob, little bro. Now, let’s dress you up like Secret Agent Man.

Merry: Naw, I think I’ll stick with Esquire Guy. Like, where do I sharpen my sword?

Éowyn: (getting upset) I want you to be Secret Agent Man.

Merry: (backing away slowly) But, I like being Esquire Guy.

(Éowyn lurches and Merry splits. Éowyn chases after him, only to be stopped by Éomer.)

Éomer: Look, little sis, I know you’ve had major childhood deprivation or whatever, but the little dude is not an animated Ken doll, so back up off him.

Éowyn: I’m just trying to prepare him for battle. That’s all.

Éomer: Yeah right! We don’t need a little drummer boy.

Éowyn: Whatever. Little bro has just a much right to fight as you. He should be allowed if he wants to. What business is it of yours? And again, I am in no way whatsoever talking about myself.

Éomer: And again I say, yeah right! Look, little sis, war’s nasty business. It’s brutal and bloody and way gross. It’s so completely narly, it’ll make you puke your guts out – and be grateful for it. And that’s just waiting in line at the mess tent. Little dude may think he’s a champion eater, but trust me, he doesn’t have the stomach to handle war food, and when time comes to fight, he’ll have it coming out both ends. No way he’ll be able to pick up a sword and maim anyone. And I so totally AM talking about you. Think about that princess.

(Stalks away and Éowyn glares after him.)





Continued in Part 9