gamgee_fics (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 06:54 pm
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 06:54 pm
Entry tags:
The Dude Towers
Title: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 17
Thanks to Aurora Moonsong for Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum, to Lozfairy for Ozzie Osborne Gollum, to Tarock and Rave the Red for Darth Vader Gollum, to Tancred for the Godfather Gollums, Don and Michael Corleone.
Chapter 63 – Flotsam and Jetsam
(Meanwhile, back at Orthanc, Merry and Pippin are standing around in the water for no good reason. Saruman’s still chewing out Grima.)
Saruman: What kind of moron gets liability only?
Grima: The moron who hired me.
Saruman: Oh, no, you did NOT just get fresh with me! (goes chasing after Grima)
Pippin: Now, that’s what I call entertainment.
Merry: (sighing deeply) Yep, no more Leave It to Beaver-speakage. Everything’s back to normal.
Pippin: Normal? You call this normal?
(Waves hand at their flooded surroundings. In the background, you can hear the Ents talking nonsensically among themselves.)
Gum Tree Ent: Fo’ shizzle dizzle!
Quickbeam: It’s the bomb diggity.
Palm Tree Ent: Yo, yo, he’s the P.I.M.P.!
Merry: What in the HELL are they talking about?!
Pippin: I sooo don’t want to know. All I know is, that ain’t normal bro.
Merry: They didn’t learn those words from us. That’s kinda freaky.
Pippin: Way freaky. … Merry?
Merry: Yes Pip?
Pippin: I’m scured again. Can we leave now?
Merry: I was thinking more along the lines of getting plastered.
Pippin: Plastered on what exactly? They don’t even got any decent munchies here.
(Just then, a bunch of apples go bobbing by.)
Pippin: Score!
(They follow the apples to a store room packed with food and …)
Pippin & Merry: PIPEWEED!!!!
Merry: There IS an Eru!
Pippin: And He likes us! He really, really likes us! And there’s one for each of us! Woohoo!
(They attack the barrels of pipeweed like there’s no tomorrow.)
Pippin: Hey, wait… Maybe we should share some of this with the others.
(Pause)
Merry & Pippin: Nah!
Merry: Break out your pipe, cousin. We’re getting wasted!
(Little while later, Treebeard comes around to check on the hobbits. Smoke is pouring out the door and inside, it looks and sounds like something from a Cheech & Chong movie.)
Treebeard: Those little dudes are weird.
Chapter 64 – Farewell to Faramir
(Back at Osgiliath. Faramir leads the hobbits to a SEWER.)
Faramir: Here you go, little dudes. This’ll take you back Eastside.
Frodo: A sewer? Do we look like Ninja Turtles to you?
Sam: How can the Enemy NOT know about this?
Faramir: Cuz they’re seriously lacking in the noggin, in case you haven’t noticed yet.
Sam: Well, that certainly would explain a lot.
Faramir: So, you got a plan for breaking into Mordor?
Frodo: Yep! Skinny Dude said something about a tunnel and some stairs. … Or was that stairs and then a tunnel?
Faramir: Cirith Ungol?
Frodo: No, a tunnel.
(Faramir notices Gollum trying to slink by and grabs him by the throat and throws him up against the wall. Ouch.)
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: I don’t think I deserved that.
Faramir: Shut up! Where are you taking them?
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: (says nothing)
Faramir: Hello! I asked you a question!
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Yes, but you also told me to shut up.
Faramir: (shaking him) Don’t get smart with me!
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Ah, then it would hardly be worth your time to ask me for information.
Faramir: Dude, pick another personality already.
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Alright, but you will always remember this as the day you almost interrogated Capt. Ja—
Faramir: (squeezing throat harder) Just answer the question already!
Dude Gollum: Kay, kay, geez! But um, what would be the question again?
Faramir: Where are you taking them? Cirith Ungol?
Gollum: No.
Faramir: Is that a lie?
Gollum: No.
Faramir: It is too!
Dude Gollum: Dude, why do you keep askin’ me questions if you just gonna answer them yourself? I mean, really! And let go of my throat already. So rude.
Faramir: (ignoring Gollum and talking to Frodo) I got a bad feeling about this bro. There’s some way whacked up freaky she-devil in the tunnels above the Evil Emerald City. I think you should try some other way.
Ozzie Osborne Gollum: I’se jst doi masdesaz he wa into Modooororror, we juz leeeeddeedding him, is all.
Faramir: What?!
Dude Gollum: Dude, stop cutting off our circulation, maybe you’ll understand us – hello!
Faramir: I’ll cut it off permanently if you don’t start talkin’ pronto.
Hood Gollum: Look, son, we just doing as Master Dude says. He the one want into Mordor. We just taking him, that’s all.
Frodo: He’s right, bro. We tried knocking at the gate – sooo didn’t work.
Faramir: (finally throwing Gollum down and turning to Frodo) You go, little dude. You go, and show them dark dudes what it’s all about. Go with the spirit of the Party Gods and the good will of Dudes and Dudettes everywhere. Go with the –
Sam: Not to be rude or nothing, but why are we still here? Are you trying to way lay us again?! You’re still possessed aren’t you?
Faramir: Alright already then! Geez! Excuse me for trying to get inspirational. Are all the gardeners in the Shire so impatient and pushy?
Sam: Look, man, you’ve done good, shown your righteousness and all that crap. Don’t push your luck now. Laterage.
Frodo: Sayonara, Captain Dude.
(They leave. Gollum tries to slink by again, but Faramir stops him right quick and pins him to the wall again.)
Bato Gollum: Que pasa now, hom?
Faramir: Nothing. I just like harassing gangily little creature thingies. Oh, and if you do anything to em, I’ll totally hunt you down and kick your scrawny little keister.
Dude Gollum: Whatever, dude.
(Faramir throws Gollum into the sewer. Gollum goes slinking after the hobbits. Notice he’s now pretending to limp – what a faker. And, men used to use these sewers? The ceilings are barely high enough to fit the hobbits.)
Drama Queen Gollum: Ow! My HANDS!
Sam: What does that have to do with you limping?
Ringo Gollum: I used to use me hands.
Sam: Dude, did you just quote Help! to me? Who do you think you are?
Ringo Gollum: I’m Ringo Starr.
Sam: Blasphemer.
Dude Gollum: Hey, bro, you’re supposed to be nice to me now. What’s up with that?
Sam: First – I ain’t your bro. Second – not following the script anymore. Mr. Frodo may not have wanted those dudes to pummel you, but I rather enjoyed it. And don’t think I won’t hesitate to do likewise, so don’t tick me off. (walks away)
Hood Gollum: Oh yeah, we’ll see about that.
Chapter 65 – “The Battle for Middle Earth is About to Begin”
(Cut to Rohan. Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden and some unknown Horse Dude we’ve never seen before come riding up in a line and look out toward Mordor.)
Gandalf: The battle for Rohan is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.
Aragorn: Gee, wonder where they got the title for this chapter from?
Legolas: Not very imaginative, are they?
Unknown Horse Dude: Ah, come on, I thought it was awesome!
Gimli: And you are – ?
Gandalf: Somehow, we’ve all survived another movie. Seems improbable, but we did it. And so did the little dudes. All our hopes lie with a coupla little Shire-bros, somewhere in the wild lands.
Aragorn: Whaddya mean ‘somewhere’? I thought we had a camera on ‘em?
Gandalf: The reception’s shot. All I get is snow. But it could still be all good. Now, let’s go pick up the other little dudes. Something tells me if we don’t get to them soon, they’ll be as nonsensical as the Ents, and that would be way bad.
Unknown Horse Dude: So, like, anyone care to explain to me what’s going on?
Aragorn: Yeah, and let’s start with who are you and why are you here?
Unknown Horse Dude: I don’t know. Who am I? Why am I? Why are any of us here? What’s the reason behind it all?
Aragorn: Ok, you need to leave. Like, now. (looks closer) Wait a sec – you’re Rick Cottontree!!!!
Unknown Horse Dude: (shifty eyed) Um, no I’m not.
Aragorn: You are too! Where’s my money?!
Unknown Horse Dude: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
(Waits a few seconds, then bolts for it. Aragorn goes chasing after him.)
Gandalf: Dude, I really need a vacation.
Chapter 66 – Gollum’s Plan
(Frodo and Sam are walking back through the forest. Sam’s singing)
Sam:
In the Master’s chambers, they are gathered for the feast,
They stab it with their steely knives but they just can’t kill the beast,
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before…
Frodo: Really, Sam, we should just let Gollum deal with the foreshadowing. He’s gonna do it anyways…
Sam: Yeah I know, but that song rocks!
Frodo: It does, huh? … So, dude, you’ve been holding back on me?
Sam: Whaddya mean?
Frodo: That was some wicked awesome temper tantrum you pulled back there. Seriously, you should lose it more often. I was way impressed.
Sam: It’s no big. Sides, someone had to get this thing back on track. We were about to crash and burn, and not in a good way.
Frodo: So, are we really not following the script no more, bro?
Sam: Yep.
Frodo: Kay, but you still can’t kill Gollum.
Sam: Aw, come on! Why not?
Frodo: (just stares at him)
Sam: Oh, yeah, huh? … So, what are we supposed to be talking about?
Frodo: Just some mushy crap about stories and junk.
Sam: So, did you hear the one about the hobbit and the lumberjack?
Frodo: Dude, not those kinds of stories. This is a PG-13 fic.
Sam: What? There’s nothing wrong with that story.
Frodo: Yay-huh, he winds up limping.
Sam: No, he goes out for ice cream. What the frick are you thinking about?!
Frodo: Um… huh, what?
Sam: Never mind, maybe we should just cut to Gollum now.
Frodo: Good call. Whatever would I do without you man?
Sam: It’s a frightening notion.
Frodo: What’s that supposed to mean!
Sam: You’d so totally be dead by now it weren’t for me.
Frodo: I would not! ………………… Yeah, ok, maybe I would. (hangs head)
Sam: Aw, chin up, Mr. Frodo. You’re still the bravest in my book.
Frodo: (getting weepy) I’m not the bravest. You’re the bravest.
Sam: (getting weepy) No way, it’s so totally you. You’re the bravest.
Frodo: No, you are.
Sam: No, you are.
Frodo: No, bro, you are.
Sam: No way, dude, you are.
Frodo: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Frodo: I LOVE you man!
Sam: Dude, I love YOU, bro!
(Break down and hug and cry.)
(And just to get away from the mushy cry-fest, let’s cut to Gollum who is, as predicted earlier, setting up the next movie wonderfully, as Smeagol once again does battle with the Gollums.)
Smeagol: Master Dude looks after us. He wouldn’t never hurts us.
Dude Gollum: How deficient are you? Dude, he’s the reason we’re over here limping.
Smeagol: Don’t ask, Smeagol. Poor miserable Smeagol.
Dude Gollum: You got the miserable part right. You’re pathetic.
Hood Gollum: Yeah, dawg. How can you still be frontin’ him, after he betrayed us like that? That’s messed up. We should be popping that weasel, till the weasel goes pop!
Shakespeare Gollum: This above all, to your Gollums be true.
Dude Gollum: Yeah, bro, time to pulverize him.
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Take all that you can find! Give nothing back!
Hippy Gollum: Take back the power!
All the Gollums: Yeah!
Smeagol: But, the fat one. He’s not following the script no more. There’s no telling what he’ll do!
Darth Vader Gollum: Their ability to ignore the script is insignificant next to the power of the Kiwi. The Director will have his movie. We will deliver it. It is their destiny.
Hood Gollum: Yeah! And if anything else, we won’t follow the script no more neither. Two can play at that game. … Or in this case, 32.
Bato Gollum: Yeah, yeah. We’ll kill el gordo for good, hom. Before he can suspect nada.
Smeagol: (liking this idea) Yes! Yes! Yes!
Gollum: Kill them both!
Smeagol: Yes! ……………… No! Too risky! Way, way too risky!
Don Corleone Gollum: Look, it’s simple. He asked for our help, we gave it to him. We made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Smeagol & the Gollums: It’s the Don! (they all cower to ground) We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! We’re scum –
Don Corleone Gollum: Quiet.
(Smeagol & the Gollums go silent.)
Michael Corleone Gollum: Some hobbits would pay a lot of money for the information we gave them. But then your Ring would lose a Bearer, instead of gaining a Master.
Don Corleone Gollum: You disappoint me, Smeagol. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me in friendship, then this little dude that stole your Pretty would be suffering this very day. And if by chance, an honest creature like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies, and then they would fear you.
Michael Corleone Gollum: Smeagol, you’re our host personality and we love you, but don’t ever take sides against the Gollums again. Ever.
Smeagol: No, never again take sides. We promise.
Don Corleone Gollum: This is what you do. You take them to Her, just as we always planned. We’ll take care of the rest.
Smeagol: Yes, yes, we take them to Her.
Michael Corleone Gollum: And when justice is served, we take back what is ours.
Smeagol: Yes, once they’re dead.
Don Corleone Gollum: I don’t want to have this conversation again.
Smeagol: No, never again.
(Smeagol waits till the Corleone Gollums are ‘gone’. Then he pulls himself up off the ground, slinks out of his hiding place and finds the hobbits looking for him.)
Sam: So, are you done foreshadowing already?
Frodo: Dude!
Sam: Er, I mean, where have you been?
Smeagol: Um, uh, just scouting ahead. We got a long way to go yet.
Gollum: Follow me.
(Hobbits follow Gollum. Pan up shot of mountains into Mordor and it is SCARY! Fade to black.)
The End!!!!!!!!!!!
No hobbits or gangily little creature thingies were harmed during the making of this production, however, several egos and alter egos were irrevocably crushed.
The Gollums, in order of appearance:
1. Gollum
2. Smeagol
3. Dude Gollum
4. Hannibal Gollum
5. Hippy Gollum
6. Hood Gollum
7. Bato Gollum
8. Snoop Dogg Gollum
9. Yoda Gollum
10. Tour Guide Gollum
11. Drama Queen Gollum
12. Ludacris Gollum
13. Bad Poet Gollum
14. States-the-Obvious Gollum
15. English Professor Gollum (Courtesy of Fireblade K’Chona)
16. C3P0 Gollum (Courtesy of Fireblade K’Chona)
17. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Gollum (Courtesy of AAA Club)
18. South Park Gollum (Courtesy of Daughter of Olorin)
19. Wrestler Gollum (Courtesy of Daughter of Olorin)
20. Dirty Harry Gollum (Courtesy of Tancred)
21. President George W. Bush Gollum (Courtesy of Fireblade K’Chona)
22. Preppie Gollum (Courtesy of Orangeblossom)
23. Arnold Schwarzenegger Gollum (Courtesy of Orangeblossom)
24. Shakespeare Gollum (Courtesy of The Noble Platypus)
25. Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum (Courtesy of Aurora Moonsong)
26. Ozzie Osborne Gollum (Courtesy of Lozfairy)
27. Ringo Gollum
28. Darth Vader Gollum (Courtesy of Tarock and Rave the Red)
29. Don Corleone Gollum (Courtesy of Tancred)
30. Michael Corleone Gollum (Courtesy of Tancred)
With special guest appearance by Fan Girl Gollum! (Courtesy of Aurora Moonsong)
Soundtrack available on Tuckborough Records – NOT!
1. The Righteous Brothers – Unchained Melody
2. Sting – Roxanne
3. The Beach Boys – Good Vibrations
4. Eric Clapton – Change the World
5. The Beatles – I Want You/She’s So Heavy
6. The Beatles – Golden Slumbers medley
7. Ludacris – Stand Up
8. Rolling Stones – Beast of Burden
9. Nirvana – Lake of Fire
10. Perry Como – Long Ago and Far Away
11. Frank Sinatra – This Love of Mine
12. The Carpenters – Close to You
13. Credence Clearwater Revival – I Put A Spell on You
14. Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze
15. Inner Circle – Bad Boys
16. Whitney Houston – How Will I Know
17. Shawn Mullins – Patrick’s Song
18. Little Anthony – I Think I’m Going Out of My Head
19. Simple Plan – Addicted
20. Baby Bash – Suga Suga
21. AC/DC – Back in Black
22. The Rolling Stones – Sympathy for the Devil
23. Guns N Roses – Welcome to the Jungle
24. Led Zeppelin – Battle of Evermore
25. The Beatles – Here Comes the Sun
26. Good Charlotte – Little Things
27. The Eagles – Hotel California
Concluded in Part 19
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 17
Thanks to Aurora Moonsong for Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum, to Lozfairy for Ozzie Osborne Gollum, to Tarock and Rave the Red for Darth Vader Gollum, to Tancred for the Godfather Gollums, Don and Michael Corleone.
Chapter 63 – Flotsam and Jetsam
(Meanwhile, back at Orthanc, Merry and Pippin are standing around in the water for no good reason. Saruman’s still chewing out Grima.)
Saruman: What kind of moron gets liability only?
Grima: The moron who hired me.
Saruman: Oh, no, you did NOT just get fresh with me! (goes chasing after Grima)
Pippin: Now, that’s what I call entertainment.
Merry: (sighing deeply) Yep, no more Leave It to Beaver-speakage. Everything’s back to normal.
Pippin: Normal? You call this normal?
(Waves hand at their flooded surroundings. In the background, you can hear the Ents talking nonsensically among themselves.)
Gum Tree Ent: Fo’ shizzle dizzle!
Quickbeam: It’s the bomb diggity.
Palm Tree Ent: Yo, yo, he’s the P.I.M.P.!
Merry: What in the HELL are they talking about?!
Pippin: I sooo don’t want to know. All I know is, that ain’t normal bro.
Merry: They didn’t learn those words from us. That’s kinda freaky.
Pippin: Way freaky. … Merry?
Merry: Yes Pip?
Pippin: I’m scured again. Can we leave now?
Merry: I was thinking more along the lines of getting plastered.
Pippin: Plastered on what exactly? They don’t even got any decent munchies here.
(Just then, a bunch of apples go bobbing by.)
Pippin: Score!
(They follow the apples to a store room packed with food and …)
Pippin & Merry: PIPEWEED!!!!
Merry: There IS an Eru!
Pippin: And He likes us! He really, really likes us! And there’s one for each of us! Woohoo!
(They attack the barrels of pipeweed like there’s no tomorrow.)
Pippin: Hey, wait… Maybe we should share some of this with the others.
(Pause)
Merry & Pippin: Nah!
Merry: Break out your pipe, cousin. We’re getting wasted!
(Little while later, Treebeard comes around to check on the hobbits. Smoke is pouring out the door and inside, it looks and sounds like something from a Cheech & Chong movie.)
Treebeard: Those little dudes are weird.
Chapter 64 – Farewell to Faramir
(Back at Osgiliath. Faramir leads the hobbits to a SEWER.)
Faramir: Here you go, little dudes. This’ll take you back Eastside.
Frodo: A sewer? Do we look like Ninja Turtles to you?
Sam: How can the Enemy NOT know about this?
Faramir: Cuz they’re seriously lacking in the noggin, in case you haven’t noticed yet.
Sam: Well, that certainly would explain a lot.
Faramir: So, you got a plan for breaking into Mordor?
Frodo: Yep! Skinny Dude said something about a tunnel and some stairs. … Or was that stairs and then a tunnel?
Faramir: Cirith Ungol?
Frodo: No, a tunnel.
(Faramir notices Gollum trying to slink by and grabs him by the throat and throws him up against the wall. Ouch.)
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: I don’t think I deserved that.
Faramir: Shut up! Where are you taking them?
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: (says nothing)
Faramir: Hello! I asked you a question!
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Yes, but you also told me to shut up.
Faramir: (shaking him) Don’t get smart with me!
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Ah, then it would hardly be worth your time to ask me for information.
Faramir: Dude, pick another personality already.
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Alright, but you will always remember this as the day you almost interrogated Capt. Ja—
Faramir: (squeezing throat harder) Just answer the question already!
Dude Gollum: Kay, kay, geez! But um, what would be the question again?
Faramir: Where are you taking them? Cirith Ungol?
Gollum: No.
Faramir: Is that a lie?
Gollum: No.
Faramir: It is too!
Dude Gollum: Dude, why do you keep askin’ me questions if you just gonna answer them yourself? I mean, really! And let go of my throat already. So rude.
Faramir: (ignoring Gollum and talking to Frodo) I got a bad feeling about this bro. There’s some way whacked up freaky she-devil in the tunnels above the Evil Emerald City. I think you should try some other way.
Ozzie Osborne Gollum: I’se jst doi masdesaz he wa into Modooororror, we juz leeeeddeedding him, is all.
Faramir: What?!
Dude Gollum: Dude, stop cutting off our circulation, maybe you’ll understand us – hello!
Faramir: I’ll cut it off permanently if you don’t start talkin’ pronto.
Hood Gollum: Look, son, we just doing as Master Dude says. He the one want into Mordor. We just taking him, that’s all.
Frodo: He’s right, bro. We tried knocking at the gate – sooo didn’t work.
Faramir: (finally throwing Gollum down and turning to Frodo) You go, little dude. You go, and show them dark dudes what it’s all about. Go with the spirit of the Party Gods and the good will of Dudes and Dudettes everywhere. Go with the –
Sam: Not to be rude or nothing, but why are we still here? Are you trying to way lay us again?! You’re still possessed aren’t you?
Faramir: Alright already then! Geez! Excuse me for trying to get inspirational. Are all the gardeners in the Shire so impatient and pushy?
Sam: Look, man, you’ve done good, shown your righteousness and all that crap. Don’t push your luck now. Laterage.
Frodo: Sayonara, Captain Dude.
(They leave. Gollum tries to slink by again, but Faramir stops him right quick and pins him to the wall again.)
Bato Gollum: Que pasa now, hom?
Faramir: Nothing. I just like harassing gangily little creature thingies. Oh, and if you do anything to em, I’ll totally hunt you down and kick your scrawny little keister.
Dude Gollum: Whatever, dude.
(Faramir throws Gollum into the sewer. Gollum goes slinking after the hobbits. Notice he’s now pretending to limp – what a faker. And, men used to use these sewers? The ceilings are barely high enough to fit the hobbits.)
Drama Queen Gollum: Ow! My HANDS!
Sam: What does that have to do with you limping?
Ringo Gollum: I used to use me hands.
Sam: Dude, did you just quote Help! to me? Who do you think you are?
Ringo Gollum: I’m Ringo Starr.
Sam: Blasphemer.
Dude Gollum: Hey, bro, you’re supposed to be nice to me now. What’s up with that?
Sam: First – I ain’t your bro. Second – not following the script anymore. Mr. Frodo may not have wanted those dudes to pummel you, but I rather enjoyed it. And don’t think I won’t hesitate to do likewise, so don’t tick me off. (walks away)
Hood Gollum: Oh yeah, we’ll see about that.
Chapter 65 – “The Battle for Middle Earth is About to Begin”
(Cut to Rohan. Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden and some unknown Horse Dude we’ve never seen before come riding up in a line and look out toward Mordor.)
Gandalf: The battle for Rohan is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.
Aragorn: Gee, wonder where they got the title for this chapter from?
Legolas: Not very imaginative, are they?
Unknown Horse Dude: Ah, come on, I thought it was awesome!
Gimli: And you are – ?
Gandalf: Somehow, we’ve all survived another movie. Seems improbable, but we did it. And so did the little dudes. All our hopes lie with a coupla little Shire-bros, somewhere in the wild lands.
Aragorn: Whaddya mean ‘somewhere’? I thought we had a camera on ‘em?
Gandalf: The reception’s shot. All I get is snow. But it could still be all good. Now, let’s go pick up the other little dudes. Something tells me if we don’t get to them soon, they’ll be as nonsensical as the Ents, and that would be way bad.
Unknown Horse Dude: So, like, anyone care to explain to me what’s going on?
Aragorn: Yeah, and let’s start with who are you and why are you here?
Unknown Horse Dude: I don’t know. Who am I? Why am I? Why are any of us here? What’s the reason behind it all?
Aragorn: Ok, you need to leave. Like, now. (looks closer) Wait a sec – you’re Rick Cottontree!!!!
Unknown Horse Dude: (shifty eyed) Um, no I’m not.
Aragorn: You are too! Where’s my money?!
Unknown Horse Dude: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
(Waits a few seconds, then bolts for it. Aragorn goes chasing after him.)
Gandalf: Dude, I really need a vacation.
Chapter 66 – Gollum’s Plan
(Frodo and Sam are walking back through the forest. Sam’s singing)
Sam:
In the Master’s chambers, they are gathered for the feast,
They stab it with their steely knives but they just can’t kill the beast,
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before…
Frodo: Really, Sam, we should just let Gollum deal with the foreshadowing. He’s gonna do it anyways…
Sam: Yeah I know, but that song rocks!
Frodo: It does, huh? … So, dude, you’ve been holding back on me?
Sam: Whaddya mean?
Frodo: That was some wicked awesome temper tantrum you pulled back there. Seriously, you should lose it more often. I was way impressed.
Sam: It’s no big. Sides, someone had to get this thing back on track. We were about to crash and burn, and not in a good way.
Frodo: So, are we really not following the script no more, bro?
Sam: Yep.
Frodo: Kay, but you still can’t kill Gollum.
Sam: Aw, come on! Why not?
Frodo: (just stares at him)
Sam: Oh, yeah, huh? … So, what are we supposed to be talking about?
Frodo: Just some mushy crap about stories and junk.
Sam: So, did you hear the one about the hobbit and the lumberjack?
Frodo: Dude, not those kinds of stories. This is a PG-13 fic.
Sam: What? There’s nothing wrong with that story.
Frodo: Yay-huh, he winds up limping.
Sam: No, he goes out for ice cream. What the frick are you thinking about?!
Frodo: Um… huh, what?
Sam: Never mind, maybe we should just cut to Gollum now.
Frodo: Good call. Whatever would I do without you man?
Sam: It’s a frightening notion.
Frodo: What’s that supposed to mean!
Sam: You’d so totally be dead by now it weren’t for me.
Frodo: I would not! ………………… Yeah, ok, maybe I would. (hangs head)
Sam: Aw, chin up, Mr. Frodo. You’re still the bravest in my book.
Frodo: (getting weepy) I’m not the bravest. You’re the bravest.
Sam: (getting weepy) No way, it’s so totally you. You’re the bravest.
Frodo: No, you are.
Sam: No, you are.
Frodo: No, bro, you are.
Sam: No way, dude, you are.
Frodo: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Frodo: I LOVE you man!
Sam: Dude, I love YOU, bro!
(Break down and hug and cry.)
(And just to get away from the mushy cry-fest, let’s cut to Gollum who is, as predicted earlier, setting up the next movie wonderfully, as Smeagol once again does battle with the Gollums.)
Smeagol: Master Dude looks after us. He wouldn’t never hurts us.
Dude Gollum: How deficient are you? Dude, he’s the reason we’re over here limping.
Smeagol: Don’t ask, Smeagol. Poor miserable Smeagol.
Dude Gollum: You got the miserable part right. You’re pathetic.
Hood Gollum: Yeah, dawg. How can you still be frontin’ him, after he betrayed us like that? That’s messed up. We should be popping that weasel, till the weasel goes pop!
Shakespeare Gollum: This above all, to your Gollums be true.
Dude Gollum: Yeah, bro, time to pulverize him.
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Take all that you can find! Give nothing back!
Hippy Gollum: Take back the power!
All the Gollums: Yeah!
Smeagol: But, the fat one. He’s not following the script no more. There’s no telling what he’ll do!
Darth Vader Gollum: Their ability to ignore the script is insignificant next to the power of the Kiwi. The Director will have his movie. We will deliver it. It is their destiny.
Hood Gollum: Yeah! And if anything else, we won’t follow the script no more neither. Two can play at that game. … Or in this case, 32.
Bato Gollum: Yeah, yeah. We’ll kill el gordo for good, hom. Before he can suspect nada.
Smeagol: (liking this idea) Yes! Yes! Yes!
Gollum: Kill them both!
Smeagol: Yes! ……………… No! Too risky! Way, way too risky!
Don Corleone Gollum: Look, it’s simple. He asked for our help, we gave it to him. We made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Smeagol & the Gollums: It’s the Don! (they all cower to ground) We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! We’re scum –
Don Corleone Gollum: Quiet.
(Smeagol & the Gollums go silent.)
Michael Corleone Gollum: Some hobbits would pay a lot of money for the information we gave them. But then your Ring would lose a Bearer, instead of gaining a Master.
Don Corleone Gollum: You disappoint me, Smeagol. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me in friendship, then this little dude that stole your Pretty would be suffering this very day. And if by chance, an honest creature like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies, and then they would fear you.
Michael Corleone Gollum: Smeagol, you’re our host personality and we love you, but don’t ever take sides against the Gollums again. Ever.
Smeagol: No, never again take sides. We promise.
Don Corleone Gollum: This is what you do. You take them to Her, just as we always planned. We’ll take care of the rest.
Smeagol: Yes, yes, we take them to Her.
Michael Corleone Gollum: And when justice is served, we take back what is ours.
Smeagol: Yes, once they’re dead.
Don Corleone Gollum: I don’t want to have this conversation again.
Smeagol: No, never again.
(Smeagol waits till the Corleone Gollums are ‘gone’. Then he pulls himself up off the ground, slinks out of his hiding place and finds the hobbits looking for him.)
Sam: So, are you done foreshadowing already?
Frodo: Dude!
Sam: Er, I mean, where have you been?
Smeagol: Um, uh, just scouting ahead. We got a long way to go yet.
Gollum: Follow me.
(Hobbits follow Gollum. Pan up shot of mountains into Mordor and it is SCARY! Fade to black.)
The End!!!!!!!!!!!
No hobbits or gangily little creature thingies were harmed during the making of this production, however, several egos and alter egos were irrevocably crushed.
The Gollums, in order of appearance:
1. Gollum
2. Smeagol
3. Dude Gollum
4. Hannibal Gollum
5. Hippy Gollum
6. Hood Gollum
7. Bato Gollum
8. Snoop Dogg Gollum
9. Yoda Gollum
10. Tour Guide Gollum
11. Drama Queen Gollum
12. Ludacris Gollum
13. Bad Poet Gollum
14. States-the-Obvious Gollum
15. English Professor Gollum (Courtesy of Fireblade K’Chona)
16. C3P0 Gollum (Courtesy of Fireblade K’Chona)
17. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Gollum (Courtesy of AAA Club)
18. South Park Gollum (Courtesy of Daughter of Olorin)
19. Wrestler Gollum (Courtesy of Daughter of Olorin)
20. Dirty Harry Gollum (Courtesy of Tancred)
21. President George W. Bush Gollum (Courtesy of Fireblade K’Chona)
22. Preppie Gollum (Courtesy of Orangeblossom)
23. Arnold Schwarzenegger Gollum (Courtesy of Orangeblossom)
24. Shakespeare Gollum (Courtesy of The Noble Platypus)
25. Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum (Courtesy of Aurora Moonsong)
26. Ozzie Osborne Gollum (Courtesy of Lozfairy)
27. Ringo Gollum
28. Darth Vader Gollum (Courtesy of Tarock and Rave the Red)
29. Don Corleone Gollum (Courtesy of Tancred)
30. Michael Corleone Gollum (Courtesy of Tancred)
With special guest appearance by Fan Girl Gollum! (Courtesy of Aurora Moonsong)
Soundtrack available on Tuckborough Records – NOT!
1. The Righteous Brothers – Unchained Melody
2. Sting – Roxanne
3. The Beach Boys – Good Vibrations
4. Eric Clapton – Change the World
5. The Beatles – I Want You/She’s So Heavy
6. The Beatles – Golden Slumbers medley
7. Ludacris – Stand Up
8. Rolling Stones – Beast of Burden
9. Nirvana – Lake of Fire
10. Perry Como – Long Ago and Far Away
11. Frank Sinatra – This Love of Mine
12. The Carpenters – Close to You
13. Credence Clearwater Revival – I Put A Spell on You
14. Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze
15. Inner Circle – Bad Boys
16. Whitney Houston – How Will I Know
17. Shawn Mullins – Patrick’s Song
18. Little Anthony – I Think I’m Going Out of My Head
19. Simple Plan – Addicted
20. Baby Bash – Suga Suga
21. AC/DC – Back in Black
22. The Rolling Stones – Sympathy for the Devil
23. Guns N Roses – Welcome to the Jungle
24. Led Zeppelin – Battle of Evermore
25. The Beatles – Here Comes the Sun
26. Good Charlotte – Little Things
27. The Eagles – Hotel California
Concluded in Part 19