gamgee_fics (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 04:23 pm
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 04:23 pm
The Dude Towers
Title: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 6
Chapter 20: King of the Golden Hall
(Gandalf & Company come riding up to a HILL with lots of WOOD HUTS on it.)
Gandalf: Edoras and the Golden Hall of Dudeseld.
Legolas: That’s the capital? That’s kinda sad.
Gandalf: Ain’t it though. Just don’t say that to the Dude, kay. He’s whacked enough as it is. We don’t want to be setting him off.
(Cut to inside Meduseld. Eowyn is holding Theoden’s narled up HAND– ew!)
Eowyn: My Dude, your son – he’s kicked it majorly, in the bucket kind of way.
Theoden: (does nothing)
Eowyn: Hello! Did you HEAR me! You’re just gonna sit there and do nothin’, aren’t ya?
Theoden: (does nothing)
Eowyn: So typical!
(Cut to outside. Gandalf & Company are still sitting there.)
Gandalf: Guess we should probly get goin’ now.
Aragorn: Ah, do we hafta? I look good in this shot!
Gandalf: Yeah, we gotta. And don’t expect no welcoming committee. These peeps are way stingy with the greetings.
(They ride off to Edoras)
(Back in Meduseld. Eowyn has changed both her hairdo AND her dress in just two seconds. Dang, she’s good. Anyways, she’s at Theodred’s bedside, holding his HAND, even though he’s dead. Again – ew! Grima comes in and starts harassing her.)
Grima: Oh, wow, he like must have kicked it in the night or something. Ha-ha! The Dude’s heirless now and me being his right hand bro and all, and your brother all banished, I’m like totally up for promotion. So you better start being nice to me, or else. (reaches out to her with his HAND)
Eowyn: Get your hands off me! (Ok, so NOW she has a problem with creepy hands? Can’t she make up her mind?) Leave me alone, already, geez. How many times does a girl have to shoot you down?
Grima: Like, hello, Barbie! Look around you. You’re so alone, you redefine the concept. Who knows what you’ve been up to in the dark night? Well, I do, actually, cuz I’ve totally been spying on you, but that’s not the point. The point is, you’re all alone, like completely, and your life sucks big time, the walls are crushing in on you, like that trash compactor thingie in Star Wars and you know, you look exactly like Princess Leia in this dress, cept your hair’s all wrong, and I so totally prefer the metal bikini and chain – now THAT’S hot! Dang, you so are so wild and narly and cold, like an espresso high in the morning while you’re still hung over from the night before, ya know?
Eowyn: Wow, you like, really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.
Grima: For reals?!
Eowyn: Um, no.
(She leaves and goes outside to brush off the creepiness and sees Gandalf & Company STILL approaching. Gee, how long does it take for them to ride a couple hundred yards?)
(Gandalf & Company pass through the gates and, um, where are the door wardens? I mean, this IS the capital, and it IS wartime. You’d expect a little more protection round the gate, I mean, really. Incompetent much? Anyways, they go riding up the street and pass a bunch of peasants, who look more like wax dummies they’re standing so still.)
Gimli: Dude, this is creepier than “It’s a Small World” at Disney Land.
Legolas: Totally.
(Aragorn looks up and sees Eowyn watching them approach. In an attempt to look aloof, he pretends not to see her and stares at something else. It doesn’t work, cuz when he looks back, she’s gone. Apparently, she’s warned the guards – at least someone around here knows how to do their job – and they come out just as the Gandalf & Company reach the top step.)
Hama: Sorry, Wiz Dude, you’re strapping way too much heat to see the Dude. Fork em over.
(The guards come over and take their weapons. They have like a bazillion.)
Hama: Your staff.
Gandalf: What?! Dude, I’m OLD! Hello! This is discrimination if I ever saw it. Don’t make me slap you silly with a lawsuit.
Hama: All right, already, geez. Chill, will ya?
(They go into the Golden Hall. Grima and Theoden are waiting for them.)
Grima: It’s the Old Wiz Dude; he nabbed your horse.
(The doors close and the Grima Groupies come outta nowhere and try to look all menacing.)
Gandalf: Dude, they do have a welcoming committee. Not exactly pleasant though, are they?
Grima: We so don’t like him.
Theoden: (voice all croaky from misuse) We so don’t like you, Old Wiz Dude.
Grima: Totally got that right. (gets up and walks to Gandalf) Late again, aren’t you bro? You can’t even stir up trouble on time. And you always come with bad news. What’s up with that? You’re like, The Bad News Wiz Dude or something. And you wonder why we don’t want you hanging about.
Gandalf: Can it, Wormy. I didn’t just kick a Balrog’s keister to look at your pasty mug.
(Holds up his STAFF and Grima wigs out.)
Grima: Dude, what’d I say about the staff! Come on, man! Can’t you do anything right?!
(The Grima Groupies attack. Gamling starts to help, but Hama stops him right quick. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli make quick work of the groupies, Batman style. POW! WHACK! Ok, now, how come the king’s guards didn’t just do that? But anyway, Gandalf makes his way to Theoden, who is not pleased.)
Gandalf: Theoden, dude of Thengel, time to soak up some sun, bro.
Theoden: Aw, man. Stupid groupies.
(Gimli pins Grima to the floor)
Gimli: Where do ya think you’re goin’?
(Gandalf keeps approaching Theoden till he’s standing on the steps.)
Gandalf: Listen up, dude, it’ll be awesome. We’ll slap on some suntan lotion, get you some shades, you’ll be all right.
Theoden: What are you talking about, Grey-man?
Gandalf: Grey-man? Oh, yeah, well… (throws off grey cloak)
Theoden: (covering his eyes) Dude! You’re flashing me? What the frick?!
Gandalf: I’m not flashing you, bro. I just want to show off my narly bleached robes, see?
Theoden: Nope, not looking!
(Just then, Eowyn comes in. Ok, where has she been? She sees what’s going on and tries to help her uncle, but Aragorn holds her back.)
Aragorn: Not yet, dudette.
Theoden: (opening his eyes and sees light bouncing off Gandalf’s bleached robes) AH! The light in my eyes!
Gandalf: You will not die! I’ll take over from here, Sharkey.
Theoden: Huh? Whatcha talking about? Die? Sharkey? Rohan’s mine, you can’t have it.
Gandalf: Oh yeah?
Theoden: Yeah!
(Theoden gets up, but Gandalf does some weird thing with his staff and Theoden gets knocked backward in his throne. A walkman falls from his long mangy beard and hits the ground. The headphones pop out and a horrible sound fills the air.)
Why do birds suddenly appear,
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
Legolas: AH! AH! Turn it off, man, turn it off! It’s sucking my will to live!
Gandalf: (looking at walkman) Whoopsies. Oh, uh, I mean… yeah, I knew about that!
(Meanwhile, at Orthanc, Saruman’s bopping around to some MP3s playing over the Palantir.)
Saruman: (singing along)
I put a spell on you because you’re mine!
I can’t stand the things that you do
No, no, no, I ain’t lying!
(Attempts to spin around and trips on his robes. He goes sprawling face down.)
Saruman: Ah, crap. There goes the hip.
(Um…………………………………… ok.)
(Back at Edoras, Eowyn runs up and turns off the walkman, ending everyone’s torment. Theoden miraculously sheds 1000 years in 5 seconds.)
Theoden: Whoa! Talk about a head rush. Thanks, sister-dudette! (looks up at Gandalf) Dude, how did you know? How can I ever repay you, bro? Grima stuck those things in my ears forever ago and I’ve been listening to The Carpenters and crap ever since.
Gandalf: Dude, I’m a wiz dude, we so totally know this kind of stuff.
Theoden: Yeah? Then how come you didn’t do nothing the last time you were here?
Gandalf: Um, cuz, uh, ah, I was busy! Geez! But look at you! Still alive after all that torment. You’re like made of steel or something. Though you’d remember your dudeness better if you listen to this.
(Hands him a CD. Theoden pops it in and presses play.)
Purple Haze was in my brain,
Lately things don’t seem the same,
Actin’ funny but I don’t know why
‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky.
Theoden: Excellent! You so rule, Wiz Dude! (sees Grima) And you! You’re sooo dead!
(Cut to outside. Guards toss Grima down the stairs – ow! Theoden comes after him with his sword.)
Grima: Dude, I did it all for you bro. It’s all about you!
Theoden: Yeah, right, as if. You woulda had me listening to Kenny G or John Tesh next! You must DIE!
(Lifts sword, but Aragorn stops him just in the nick of time)
Aragorn: No, my Dude! No way! Think about it. Way too many witnesses, bro.
(Theoden sees the error of his ways and lets Grima go. Grima shows his appreciation by spitting on Aragorn’s hand. Gee, what a charmer. He gets up and heads for the hills. Hama notices none of the peasants are kneeling for the king.)
Hama: Show some respect to the Dude, bros!
Peasants: That’s the Dude? Whoops!
(They all bow, even Aragorn for some strange reason. Theoden looks around cluelessly.)
Theoden: Dude, where’s my son?
Chapter 21: The Funeral of Theodred
(Bunch of people are standing around as some men carry Théodred’s body to the burial mounds, where the women are waiting to carry him into the mound. Eowyn starts singing.)
Eowyn:
Bealocwealm hafað fréone frecan forth onsended giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende
on Meduselde þæt he ma no wære
his dryhtne dyrest and mæga deorost.
An evil death has set forth the noble warrior
A song shall sing sorrowing minstrelsin Meduseld
And I don’t remember the rest of the words, but that’s ok
Cuz no one has a frickin clue what I’m saying anyway
Chapter 22: Simbelmyne on the Burial Mounds
(Shot of pretty white flower.)
Theoden: Simbelmyne. (tosses it to ground) Forever it’s grown on the death pads of my foredudes. Now, it’ll cover my son’s grave. It sucks that these whacked up days are mine to deal with. The young keep keeling and the old keep ticking, and my house is so over.
Gandalf: Dude, just cuz you sat there like a lump on a log doesn’t make any of this in any way your fault.
Theoden: No parent should have to bury their child. (breaks down and cries)
Gandalf: He was a way righteous bro. He’ll find his way to the Halls of the Party Gods. Westu hál. Ferðu, Théodred, Ferðu. And the sooner the better, Théodred. Friday’s wet t-shirt night.
(Turns to leave and sees the Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl. Annoying Peasant Boy falls off the horse. Annoying Peasant Girl laughs at him.)
Annoying Peasant Boy: You did that on purpose!
Annoying Peasant Girl: Naw-huh!
Continued in Part 8
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 6
Chapter 20: King of the Golden Hall
(Gandalf & Company come riding up to a HILL with lots of WOOD HUTS on it.)
Gandalf: Edoras and the Golden Hall of Dudeseld.
Legolas: That’s the capital? That’s kinda sad.
Gandalf: Ain’t it though. Just don’t say that to the Dude, kay. He’s whacked enough as it is. We don’t want to be setting him off.
(Cut to inside Meduseld. Eowyn is holding Theoden’s narled up HAND– ew!)
Eowyn: My Dude, your son – he’s kicked it majorly, in the bucket kind of way.
Theoden: (does nothing)
Eowyn: Hello! Did you HEAR me! You’re just gonna sit there and do nothin’, aren’t ya?
Theoden: (does nothing)
Eowyn: So typical!
(Cut to outside. Gandalf & Company are still sitting there.)
Gandalf: Guess we should probly get goin’ now.
Aragorn: Ah, do we hafta? I look good in this shot!
Gandalf: Yeah, we gotta. And don’t expect no welcoming committee. These peeps are way stingy with the greetings.
(They ride off to Edoras)
(Back in Meduseld. Eowyn has changed both her hairdo AND her dress in just two seconds. Dang, she’s good. Anyways, she’s at Theodred’s bedside, holding his HAND, even though he’s dead. Again – ew! Grima comes in and starts harassing her.)
Grima: Oh, wow, he like must have kicked it in the night or something. Ha-ha! The Dude’s heirless now and me being his right hand bro and all, and your brother all banished, I’m like totally up for promotion. So you better start being nice to me, or else. (reaches out to her with his HAND)
Eowyn: Get your hands off me! (Ok, so NOW she has a problem with creepy hands? Can’t she make up her mind?) Leave me alone, already, geez. How many times does a girl have to shoot you down?
Grima: Like, hello, Barbie! Look around you. You’re so alone, you redefine the concept. Who knows what you’ve been up to in the dark night? Well, I do, actually, cuz I’ve totally been spying on you, but that’s not the point. The point is, you’re all alone, like completely, and your life sucks big time, the walls are crushing in on you, like that trash compactor thingie in Star Wars and you know, you look exactly like Princess Leia in this dress, cept your hair’s all wrong, and I so totally prefer the metal bikini and chain – now THAT’S hot! Dang, you so are so wild and narly and cold, like an espresso high in the morning while you’re still hung over from the night before, ya know?
Eowyn: Wow, you like, really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.
Grima: For reals?!
Eowyn: Um, no.
(She leaves and goes outside to brush off the creepiness and sees Gandalf & Company STILL approaching. Gee, how long does it take for them to ride a couple hundred yards?)
(Gandalf & Company pass through the gates and, um, where are the door wardens? I mean, this IS the capital, and it IS wartime. You’d expect a little more protection round the gate, I mean, really. Incompetent much? Anyways, they go riding up the street and pass a bunch of peasants, who look more like wax dummies they’re standing so still.)
Gimli: Dude, this is creepier than “It’s a Small World” at Disney Land.
Legolas: Totally.
(Aragorn looks up and sees Eowyn watching them approach. In an attempt to look aloof, he pretends not to see her and stares at something else. It doesn’t work, cuz when he looks back, she’s gone. Apparently, she’s warned the guards – at least someone around here knows how to do their job – and they come out just as the Gandalf & Company reach the top step.)
Hama: Sorry, Wiz Dude, you’re strapping way too much heat to see the Dude. Fork em over.
(The guards come over and take their weapons. They have like a bazillion.)
Hama: Your staff.
Gandalf: What?! Dude, I’m OLD! Hello! This is discrimination if I ever saw it. Don’t make me slap you silly with a lawsuit.
Hama: All right, already, geez. Chill, will ya?
(They go into the Golden Hall. Grima and Theoden are waiting for them.)
Grima: It’s the Old Wiz Dude; he nabbed your horse.
(The doors close and the Grima Groupies come outta nowhere and try to look all menacing.)
Gandalf: Dude, they do have a welcoming committee. Not exactly pleasant though, are they?
Grima: We so don’t like him.
Theoden: (voice all croaky from misuse) We so don’t like you, Old Wiz Dude.
Grima: Totally got that right. (gets up and walks to Gandalf) Late again, aren’t you bro? You can’t even stir up trouble on time. And you always come with bad news. What’s up with that? You’re like, The Bad News Wiz Dude or something. And you wonder why we don’t want you hanging about.
Gandalf: Can it, Wormy. I didn’t just kick a Balrog’s keister to look at your pasty mug.
(Holds up his STAFF and Grima wigs out.)
Grima: Dude, what’d I say about the staff! Come on, man! Can’t you do anything right?!
(The Grima Groupies attack. Gamling starts to help, but Hama stops him right quick. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli make quick work of the groupies, Batman style. POW! WHACK! Ok, now, how come the king’s guards didn’t just do that? But anyway, Gandalf makes his way to Theoden, who is not pleased.)
Gandalf: Theoden, dude of Thengel, time to soak up some sun, bro.
Theoden: Aw, man. Stupid groupies.
(Gimli pins Grima to the floor)
Gimli: Where do ya think you’re goin’?
(Gandalf keeps approaching Theoden till he’s standing on the steps.)
Gandalf: Listen up, dude, it’ll be awesome. We’ll slap on some suntan lotion, get you some shades, you’ll be all right.
Theoden: What are you talking about, Grey-man?
Gandalf: Grey-man? Oh, yeah, well… (throws off grey cloak)
Theoden: (covering his eyes) Dude! You’re flashing me? What the frick?!
Gandalf: I’m not flashing you, bro. I just want to show off my narly bleached robes, see?
Theoden: Nope, not looking!
(Just then, Eowyn comes in. Ok, where has she been? She sees what’s going on and tries to help her uncle, but Aragorn holds her back.)
Aragorn: Not yet, dudette.
Theoden: (opening his eyes and sees light bouncing off Gandalf’s bleached robes) AH! The light in my eyes!
Gandalf: You will not die! I’ll take over from here, Sharkey.
Theoden: Huh? Whatcha talking about? Die? Sharkey? Rohan’s mine, you can’t have it.
Gandalf: Oh yeah?
Theoden: Yeah!
(Theoden gets up, but Gandalf does some weird thing with his staff and Theoden gets knocked backward in his throne. A walkman falls from his long mangy beard and hits the ground. The headphones pop out and a horrible sound fills the air.)
Why do birds suddenly appear,
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
Legolas: AH! AH! Turn it off, man, turn it off! It’s sucking my will to live!
Gandalf: (looking at walkman) Whoopsies. Oh, uh, I mean… yeah, I knew about that!
(Meanwhile, at Orthanc, Saruman’s bopping around to some MP3s playing over the Palantir.)
Saruman: (singing along)
I put a spell on you because you’re mine!
I can’t stand the things that you do
No, no, no, I ain’t lying!
(Attempts to spin around and trips on his robes. He goes sprawling face down.)
Saruman: Ah, crap. There goes the hip.
(Um…………………………………… ok.)
(Back at Edoras, Eowyn runs up and turns off the walkman, ending everyone’s torment. Theoden miraculously sheds 1000 years in 5 seconds.)
Theoden: Whoa! Talk about a head rush. Thanks, sister-dudette! (looks up at Gandalf) Dude, how did you know? How can I ever repay you, bro? Grima stuck those things in my ears forever ago and I’ve been listening to The Carpenters and crap ever since.
Gandalf: Dude, I’m a wiz dude, we so totally know this kind of stuff.
Theoden: Yeah? Then how come you didn’t do nothing the last time you were here?
Gandalf: Um, cuz, uh, ah, I was busy! Geez! But look at you! Still alive after all that torment. You’re like made of steel or something. Though you’d remember your dudeness better if you listen to this.
(Hands him a CD. Theoden pops it in and presses play.)
Purple Haze was in my brain,
Lately things don’t seem the same,
Actin’ funny but I don’t know why
‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky.
Theoden: Excellent! You so rule, Wiz Dude! (sees Grima) And you! You’re sooo dead!
(Cut to outside. Guards toss Grima down the stairs – ow! Theoden comes after him with his sword.)
Grima: Dude, I did it all for you bro. It’s all about you!
Theoden: Yeah, right, as if. You woulda had me listening to Kenny G or John Tesh next! You must DIE!
(Lifts sword, but Aragorn stops him just in the nick of time)
Aragorn: No, my Dude! No way! Think about it. Way too many witnesses, bro.
(Theoden sees the error of his ways and lets Grima go. Grima shows his appreciation by spitting on Aragorn’s hand. Gee, what a charmer. He gets up and heads for the hills. Hama notices none of the peasants are kneeling for the king.)
Hama: Show some respect to the Dude, bros!
Peasants: That’s the Dude? Whoops!
(They all bow, even Aragorn for some strange reason. Theoden looks around cluelessly.)
Theoden: Dude, where’s my son?
Chapter 21: The Funeral of Theodred
(Bunch of people are standing around as some men carry Théodred’s body to the burial mounds, where the women are waiting to carry him into the mound. Eowyn starts singing.)
Eowyn:
Bealocwealm hafað fréone frecan forth onsended giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende
on Meduselde þæt he ma no wære
his dryhtne dyrest and mæga deorost.
An evil death has set forth the noble warrior
A song shall sing sorrowing minstrelsin Meduseld
And I don’t remember the rest of the words, but that’s ok
Cuz no one has a frickin clue what I’m saying anyway
Chapter 22: Simbelmyne on the Burial Mounds
(Shot of pretty white flower.)
Theoden: Simbelmyne. (tosses it to ground) Forever it’s grown on the death pads of my foredudes. Now, it’ll cover my son’s grave. It sucks that these whacked up days are mine to deal with. The young keep keeling and the old keep ticking, and my house is so over.
Gandalf: Dude, just cuz you sat there like a lump on a log doesn’t make any of this in any way your fault.
Theoden: No parent should have to bury their child. (breaks down and cries)
Gandalf: He was a way righteous bro. He’ll find his way to the Halls of the Party Gods. Westu hál. Ferðu, Théodred, Ferðu. And the sooner the better, Théodred. Friday’s wet t-shirt night.
(Turns to leave and sees the Annoying Peasant Boy and Girl. Annoying Peasant Boy falls off the horse. Annoying Peasant Girl laughs at him.)
Annoying Peasant Boy: You did that on purpose!
Annoying Peasant Girl: Naw-huh!
Continued in Part 8