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gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 08:09 pm
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 08:09 pm
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Return of the Dude
Title: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 11
Chapter 42: Breaking the Gate of Gondor
[Down at the gate, Grond FINALLY breaks down the door.]
Random Gondorian Soldier #1283: Oh, we’re screwed now.
Gandalf: Just chill, bros, and know that no matter what comes through that gate, I’m totally here for ya.
[Trolls come crashing through.]
Gandalf: Well, it’s been nice and all, but I’m outta here. Catch ya later, bros!
[He tries to ride away but it’s no use. Massive slaughterage follows.]
Chapter 43: The Choices of Master Samwise
[Cut back to Frodo, who’s still running about outside the tunnels of Cirith Ungol. He reaches some stairs and sneaks toward them, completely unaware of the fact that a GIGANTIC SPIDER is creeping up on him. Predictably, he gets stung in the chest, though how that is possible with the mithril coat in the way is anyone’s guess. Frodo starts foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog and Shelob claims her prize.]
Shelob: Oh, jelly hobbit! (starts wrapping Frodo up for the trip back to her lair) And this is how you make a mummy doll!
Sam: Not so fast!
Shelob: D’oh!
Sam: Dang! Shelob got back! You got all kinds of junk in your trunk.
Shelob: If you’re trying to score points, you’re sooo not succeeding.
Sam: Listen, dudette. Do we really want to do this? We both know how this is gonna end, so why don’t you save us both the time and save yourself some serious tummy issues, and just hand my bro over, kay?
Shelob: Um, let me think about that. No. No frickin’ way! You ain’t the only one not following the script!
Sam: Kay, then, it’s your funeral. Step up, biatch. Two enter, one leaves. Welcome to Thunderdome.
Shelob: Dude, could you be any more of a dork?
Sam: Bring it on, sistah!
[Overly long, impossibly drawn out fight ensues, ending with Sam triumphing over his foe.]
Sam: I told you! Maybe next time you’ll listen!
Shelob: I'm in serious need of some Alka-Seltzer. (creeps back into her caves)
Sam: Who’s da man! Come on! Who is! Me! That’s who! (does victory dance, then sees Mummy Frodo still lying in path) Whoops! Forgot about Master Dude! (runs to Frodo and rips away some of the webbing) Dude, you will stop fooling around.
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: You playing that game where you stare as long as you can without blinking again? I think we’ve already established that I kick butt at that as well.
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: Master Dude? (shakes him) Hello! Mr. Frodo! Wakie wakie!
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: Oh crap. You’re not playing are you?
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: You always have to make everything so difficult! Drama queen!
[Just then, some orcs make their conveniently-noisy way down the path. Sam hides with plenty of time to spare and the orcs find Frodo, never once questioning why he’s there and Shelob isn’t.]
Grishnak: Oh! Happy meal time! We’re eating hobbit tonight!
Orcs: Yummy!
Sam: Great, now I gotta frickin’ follow the frickin’ script. (mouths along with orcs) Not dead, blah blah. Take him to tower, blah blah.
Chapter 44: The Madness of Denethor
[Meanwhile, back at Minas Tirith, Faramir is about to be barbequed big time.]
Denethor: His house of cards is crumbling with the wind out to sea with the bees and the birds sing pretty songs.
Pippin: Are you insane?!
Denethor: Why, I think that should be obvious… NO!
Pippin: He’s not dead you dorkster! Do you hear me, NOT DEAD! Don’t make me repeat myself – again.
Denethor: Oh, you soooo need to leave. (grabs Pippin by collar and tosses him from tomb) Go on little dude, and die as quickly as you can, otherwise, you’re likely to be captured and that would suck majorly. Trust me. (closes doors) Pour wood on the oil! And vinegar! I’m hungry! Bring me chips and salsa!
Pippin: Oh, chips and salsa! I mean… (gets up and dashes off to lower levels, where all hell has broken loose) Must find Gandalf. GANDALF! GANDALF! … He’s never around when you need him!
Chapter 45: The Witch King’s Hour
[Battle battle fight fight, and Pippin finally finds Gandalf]
Pippin: Gan-Dude! Denethor’s lost his mind!
Gandalf: Tell me something I don’t know.
Pippin: He’s burning Faramir alive!
Gandalf: Really? Huh, I didn’t know that.
Pippin: Dude! He’s burning Faramir alive!
Gandalf: Oh! Right! We better get up there pronto. Come on, little dude.
[They ride back up the levels of the city, until the Witch King on his Fell Beast gets in their way.]
Gandalf: Um, ‘cuse us, but this is a one-way street and you’re totally facing the wrong direction.
Witch King: Yeah, like see if I care.
Pippin: Do you care?
Witch King: No.
Pippin: Just checking.
Gandalf: Look dude, you’re blocking our way. Rude much.
Witch King: Get used to it, Old School. I brought you a script of “Psycho: The Musical”. You’re going to be playing Norman Bates. Curtain call is at 0-700 hours.
Gandalf: (looking in horror at script) Norman Bates! The lead role?! No! NOOOOOOO! Oh, Valar, nOOOOOOOOO! (breaks his own staff in his despair)
Witch King: My work here is done. (flies away)
Pippin: Look dude, it could be worse. It could be “The Blob: The Musical” or “Revenge of the Nerds: The Musical”. You could be a nerd. But instead, you’re a murdering maniacal psychopath who likes to dress in his dead mother’s clothes. Is that really so bad? I mean, you’re practically wearing a dress anyway.
Gandalf: But, but, but… I can’t SING!
Pippin: We’ll hand out ear plugs.
Chapter 46: The Ride of the Rohirrim
[HORNS! … Um, the musical kind, not the kind found on a steer.]
Gothmog: Did someone book a band?
[Suddenly, on the horizon, the Rohirrim finally decide to grace everyone with their presence and arrive for the battle.]
Random Rohirrim Riders: Dude, that’s a lot of orcs.
Éowyn: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Merry: Ya think!
Gothmog: What’re you dweebs just standing around for? You never seen a bunch of horsies or something? Form ranks! Pokie sticks in front. Bows and arrows in back! Move it!
[Orcs form ranks. Théoden watches from his perch atop the hill then turns to his men.]
Théoden: Éomer, take left field! Gamling, cover the center! Grimbold, sweep in from the right! We’ll get them on all sides! (turns to riders) Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s kick some orc butt!
RRR #19274: That’s not much of an inspirational speech. I mean, like, some of us are gonna die!
Théoden: Dude, we all gonna die! Why waste words? (everyone pouts) Oh, alright. “Never give up, never surrender!” “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!” Happy now?
RRR #19274: It’ll do.
Théoden: Goody. Now, to the death!
RRR: DEATH!
Théoden: DEATH!
Merry: I don’t wanna die!
Éowyn: Oh, don’t worry Esquire Guy, you stick with me. I’ll make sure you’re alright.
Merry: Promise?
Éowyn: You got it dude.
Merry: Sweet!
[Rohirrim charge… and keep charging. Orcs start looking worried.]
Orc #475,987,209: Um, I don’t think they’re stopping.
Éomer: Orc bowling! Whoever gets the high score wins!
[Rohirrim collide with orcs and mow them over. Majorly bloody battle sequence starts, during which Éomer doesn’t once throw his spear.]
Concluded in Part 13
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 11
Chapter 42: Breaking the Gate of Gondor
[Down at the gate, Grond FINALLY breaks down the door.]
Random Gondorian Soldier #1283: Oh, we’re screwed now.
Gandalf: Just chill, bros, and know that no matter what comes through that gate, I’m totally here for ya.
[Trolls come crashing through.]
Gandalf: Well, it’s been nice and all, but I’m outta here. Catch ya later, bros!
[He tries to ride away but it’s no use. Massive slaughterage follows.]
Chapter 43: The Choices of Master Samwise
[Cut back to Frodo, who’s still running about outside the tunnels of Cirith Ungol. He reaches some stairs and sneaks toward them, completely unaware of the fact that a GIGANTIC SPIDER is creeping up on him. Predictably, he gets stung in the chest, though how that is possible with the mithril coat in the way is anyone’s guess. Frodo starts foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog and Shelob claims her prize.]
Shelob: Oh, jelly hobbit! (starts wrapping Frodo up for the trip back to her lair) And this is how you make a mummy doll!
Sam: Not so fast!
Shelob: D’oh!
Sam: Dang! Shelob got back! You got all kinds of junk in your trunk.
Shelob: If you’re trying to score points, you’re sooo not succeeding.
Sam: Listen, dudette. Do we really want to do this? We both know how this is gonna end, so why don’t you save us both the time and save yourself some serious tummy issues, and just hand my bro over, kay?
Shelob: Um, let me think about that. No. No frickin’ way! You ain’t the only one not following the script!
Sam: Kay, then, it’s your funeral. Step up, biatch. Two enter, one leaves. Welcome to Thunderdome.
Shelob: Dude, could you be any more of a dork?
Sam: Bring it on, sistah!
[Overly long, impossibly drawn out fight ensues, ending with Sam triumphing over his foe.]
Sam: I told you! Maybe next time you’ll listen!
Shelob: I'm in serious need of some Alka-Seltzer. (creeps back into her caves)
Sam: Who’s da man! Come on! Who is! Me! That’s who! (does victory dance, then sees Mummy Frodo still lying in path) Whoops! Forgot about Master Dude! (runs to Frodo and rips away some of the webbing) Dude, you will stop fooling around.
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: You playing that game where you stare as long as you can without blinking again? I think we’ve already established that I kick butt at that as well.
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: Master Dude? (shakes him) Hello! Mr. Frodo! Wakie wakie!
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: Oh crap. You’re not playing are you?
Frodo: (nothing)
Sam: You always have to make everything so difficult! Drama queen!
[Just then, some orcs make their conveniently-noisy way down the path. Sam hides with plenty of time to spare and the orcs find Frodo, never once questioning why he’s there and Shelob isn’t.]
Grishnak: Oh! Happy meal time! We’re eating hobbit tonight!
Orcs: Yummy!
Sam: Great, now I gotta frickin’ follow the frickin’ script. (mouths along with orcs) Not dead, blah blah. Take him to tower, blah blah.
Chapter 44: The Madness of Denethor
[Meanwhile, back at Minas Tirith, Faramir is about to be barbequed big time.]
Denethor: His house of cards is crumbling with the wind out to sea with the bees and the birds sing pretty songs.
Pippin: Are you insane?!
Denethor: Why, I think that should be obvious… NO!
Pippin: He’s not dead you dorkster! Do you hear me, NOT DEAD! Don’t make me repeat myself – again.
Denethor: Oh, you soooo need to leave. (grabs Pippin by collar and tosses him from tomb) Go on little dude, and die as quickly as you can, otherwise, you’re likely to be captured and that would suck majorly. Trust me. (closes doors) Pour wood on the oil! And vinegar! I’m hungry! Bring me chips and salsa!
Pippin: Oh, chips and salsa! I mean… (gets up and dashes off to lower levels, where all hell has broken loose) Must find Gandalf. GANDALF! GANDALF! … He’s never around when you need him!
Chapter 45: The Witch King’s Hour
[Battle battle fight fight, and Pippin finally finds Gandalf]
Pippin: Gan-Dude! Denethor’s lost his mind!
Gandalf: Tell me something I don’t know.
Pippin: He’s burning Faramir alive!
Gandalf: Really? Huh, I didn’t know that.
Pippin: Dude! He’s burning Faramir alive!
Gandalf: Oh! Right! We better get up there pronto. Come on, little dude.
[They ride back up the levels of the city, until the Witch King on his Fell Beast gets in their way.]
Gandalf: Um, ‘cuse us, but this is a one-way street and you’re totally facing the wrong direction.
Witch King: Yeah, like see if I care.
Pippin: Do you care?
Witch King: No.
Pippin: Just checking.
Gandalf: Look dude, you’re blocking our way. Rude much.
Witch King: Get used to it, Old School. I brought you a script of “Psycho: The Musical”. You’re going to be playing Norman Bates. Curtain call is at 0-700 hours.
Gandalf: (looking in horror at script) Norman Bates! The lead role?! No! NOOOOOOO! Oh, Valar, nOOOOOOOOO! (breaks his own staff in his despair)
Witch King: My work here is done. (flies away)
Pippin: Look dude, it could be worse. It could be “The Blob: The Musical” or “Revenge of the Nerds: The Musical”. You could be a nerd. But instead, you’re a murdering maniacal psychopath who likes to dress in his dead mother’s clothes. Is that really so bad? I mean, you’re practically wearing a dress anyway.
Gandalf: But, but, but… I can’t SING!
Pippin: We’ll hand out ear plugs.
Chapter 46: The Ride of the Rohirrim
[HORNS! … Um, the musical kind, not the kind found on a steer.]
Gothmog: Did someone book a band?
[Suddenly, on the horizon, the Rohirrim finally decide to grace everyone with their presence and arrive for the battle.]
Random Rohirrim Riders: Dude, that’s a lot of orcs.
Éowyn: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Merry: Ya think!
Gothmog: What’re you dweebs just standing around for? You never seen a bunch of horsies or something? Form ranks! Pokie sticks in front. Bows and arrows in back! Move it!
[Orcs form ranks. Théoden watches from his perch atop the hill then turns to his men.]
Théoden: Éomer, take left field! Gamling, cover the center! Grimbold, sweep in from the right! We’ll get them on all sides! (turns to riders) Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s kick some orc butt!
RRR #19274: That’s not much of an inspirational speech. I mean, like, some of us are gonna die!
Théoden: Dude, we all gonna die! Why waste words? (everyone pouts) Oh, alright. “Never give up, never surrender!” “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!” Happy now?
RRR #19274: It’ll do.
Théoden: Goody. Now, to the death!
RRR: DEATH!
Théoden: DEATH!
Merry: I don’t wanna die!
Éowyn: Oh, don’t worry Esquire Guy, you stick with me. I’ll make sure you’re alright.
Merry: Promise?
Éowyn: You got it dude.
Merry: Sweet!
[Rohirrim charge… and keep charging. Orcs start looking worried.]
Orc #475,987,209: Um, I don’t think they’re stopping.
Éomer: Orc bowling! Whoever gets the high score wins!
[Rohirrim collide with orcs and mow them over. Majorly bloody battle sequence starts, during which Éomer doesn’t once throw his spear.]
Concluded in Part 13