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gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 07:42 pm
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 07:42 pm
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Return of the Dude
Title: Return of the Dude (Incomplete)
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 4
Chapter 13: Cross Roads of the Fallen King
(Cut to Frodo, Sam and Gollum, who are still trekking through burnt out pre-Mordor terrain. Gollum’s in the lead, followed by Sam and then Frodo.)
Sam: Dude, too bad we’re in the land that Starbucks forgot. I could really use an espresso shot right about now.
Frodo: I like their frappuccinos.
Sam: You know what would be killer right now – Starbucks ice cream.
Frodo: Mmmmmmmm!
Hood Gollum: Man, why you all talking ‘bout Starbucks? You’re gonna get my craving on.
Tour Guide Gollum: Actually, there is a Starbucks just up the road in the Evil Emerald City, but you have to pay a cover fee.
Sam: Really? What’s that?
Voldemort Gollum: Your soul! Doesn’t that sound lovely?
Sam: Um… yeah, I think I’ll pass. Thanks anyway.
(They continue walking, but Frodo stalls, suddenly angsty about something.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, what’s up bro?
Frodo: It’s just, I was thinking of the last time I had a frappuccino, and I started wondering, what if I never have a frappuccino again, and I got all sad, cuz I really love those man.
Sam: Aw, come on Mr. Frodo, don’t be like that. We’ll have Starbucks again. Oh yes, we will have Starbucks again. (walks up to Frodo and whispers) If anything, we’ll just have Gollum go in and get us something. It’s not like he’s got much of a soul left anyhow, you know?
Frodo: (cheering up) Oh yeah, huh? Good thinkin’ bro.
Sam: That’s what I’m here for.
(They start walking again and pretty soon come to a huge statue of a seated figure with a freaky looking head bound in a metal mask, and there’s all kinds of graffiti all over the throne. Hood Gollum whips out some spray paint and adds his mark.)
Frodo: Dude, that’s just wrong. … You should use blue paint, not pink.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Gollum: What’s wrong with pink? It accentuates the red and brings out the rusty appearance of the metal mask. And it’s perky.
Sam: (looks up at statue and shakes head) Those ancient Numenoreans must have watched Beetlejuice one too many times. Or Silence of Lambs.
Frodo: Yeah, it’s like The Nightmare Before Good Taste.
(They walk away, just as the clouds part and let some sunlight in. The sun hits the real head of the statue lying dejectedly on the ground. Sam looks back and sees it and he calls after Frodo.)
Sam: Look Mr. Frodo, the king’s a flower child!
Frodo: Groovy.
Hippy Gollum: That’s the right on, man. That says it all.
(They have a moment of silence, until the sun goes away and it gets all gloomy again. Then Gollum starts walking again.)
Tour Guide Gollum: Continuing ahead, we’ll find an ancient road now used only by the forces of the Enemy! Get your cameras ready. You’ll want to put this on your Christmas cards!
(Frodo and Sam get out cameras.)
Frodo: Ah, man, I’m outta film.
Chapter 14: “The Deep Breath Before The Plunge”
(Cut to Minas Tirith that night. Gandalf’s outside smoking up a storm and Pippin’s inside riffling through his uniform and gear.)
Pippin: Did, like, Loonethor think I was being serious about the whole pledging my service thing? How dense can you get? What’s up with the infantry garb?
Gandalf: What’s up is you opened your big, fat mouth, that’s what. You’re in the service of the Steward now, little bro, and I for one am gonna enjoy every single second of it.
(He starts coughing up a lung and Pippin brings him a glass of water.)
Pippin: Slow down, old wiz dude. Leave the smoking to the pros. (looks up at sky for reeeaaally long time)
Gandalf: (looking up too) Whatcha looking at?
Pippin: Nothing, I just wanted to see how long it’d take ya to ask that. (goes over to rail and looks out at Mordor) So like, is it always dead like the grave round here? Don’t these dudes know how to party?
Gandalf: They did once, but sadly they’re no longer able to get down and boogey.
Pippin: That’s so not right.
Gandalf: Totally. Now they’re just waiting. It’s the deep breath before the plunge.
Pippin: How’d you get that line? Does that mean Beregond’s not gonna be in this movie?
Gandalf: Hey, we had to cut costs somewhere. That Balrog ate up all the budget.
Pippin: Stupid Balrog. … So like, how much longer till all hell breaks loose? I’m starting to feel like this battle ain’t ever going down. Not that I’m complaining or nothing.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s coming, squirt. Don’t you worry your little tiny head about that.
Pippin: But, what about Frodo and Sam? They’re completely screwed aren’t they?
Gandalf: Yep, pretty much. (notices Pippin’s frown) Er, I mean, naw, they’re all good. I’m sure they’re already climbing up Mt. Doom even as we speak. (Of course, Gandalf just can’t leave it on this optimistic note, so he continues…) But the Enemy has yet to show his full force. He’s got all kinds of bad dudes working for him. Not just orcs neither. There’s these crazy mamukil-riding bros from the south side, and bands of brothers from the surf side. They’re coming to wreak havoc and mayhem on the Free Dudes. It’s the end of the world as we know it.
Pippin: Well I feel fine.
Gandalf: (getting all excited) That’s cuz you don’t comprehend the severity of it! We’re hanging by a thread! We’re all washed up, like beached whales, and our Whale Rider’s been harpooned and reeled in! Don’t you see! If the bros at Osgiliath are defeated, then we’re screwed, little dude. There’ll be nothing to cushion us from the forces of Mordor, and they are NOT gentle. They’ll run us over before we can roll a fattie.
Pippin: But, we got you, bro. That’s got to count for something. … It had better count for something.
Gandalf: Oh, poor foolish impotent Took.
Pippin: (insulted) Hey! I am NOT poor!
Gandalf: I wish I could say I was all that and a bag of chips, but I’m one cracker short of a stack of Pringles.
Pippin: Dude, you’re mixing your metaphors again.
Gandalf: Just work with me, kay? The Eye Man has yet to unleash his deadliest Dead Dude. He’s the pimp that’ll be riding his forces to war, and he’s got the mean right hook. No living man can kill him.
Pippin: What about a non-living man?
Gandalf: Dude, will you stop interrupting my monologue?
Pippin: Sorry. Punkus.
Gandalf: What’d you say?
Pippin: Nothing. I didn’t say nothing.
Gandalf: Whatever. Look, he’s the Witch King of Angmar. You’ve met him before. He’s the Black Dude that sliced Frodo on Weather Top.
Pippin: So, if we’ve met him before, why you saying he hasn’t been unleashed yet?
Gandalf: Man, what’d I just say about not interrupting me? Look, he’s the mack ultimate of the Nazgul, kay? The cream of the evil crop, the titan of the baddies. Minas Morgul is where he rolls and he so doesn’t like trespassers.
Pippin: But he’s blind. It’s not like he could see ‘em anyway.
Gandalf: (sighing) You make it sooo hard to be ominous, you know that?
Chapter 15: Minas Morgul
(Cut to Frodo, Sam and Gollum running up to the road to the Evil Emerald City. They find a conveniently placed hide out next to the road and peek over it.)
Sam: Wow, that’s like, really green. Have they never heard of Lime Away?
States the Obvious Gollum: That is Minas Morgul. It’s an evil place full of (dramatic pause) evil people.
Sam: Gee, ya think?
(They jump out of their hide out and run for another conveniently placed hiding spot.)
Tour Guide Gollum: Minas Morgul was once Minas Ithil, sister city to Minas Arnor, which is now called Minas Tirith. But then, the Big Bad Dark Dude’s evil henchmen took it over. Now it’s the home of the Black Dudes and it’s guarded by the Hell Hounds of Old.
(Cut to shot of statues of some strange looking horned-dogs that look like they’ve been permanently frozen in the midst of saying “whaz uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppp!”)
Tour Guide Gollum: And to your left – the Secret Stair.
(Shot of totally obvious stairs leading up a wall.)
Sam: Dude, these bad dudes really must be blind to never notice these. I mean, really! Even the Secret Garden was harder to find than this!
Frodo: Dude, you’re missing the issue: we gotta climb that. Man! I knew I should have taken those rock climbing classes with Pippin.
Wrestler Gollum: Come on! Grrr! We’re going to show this wall who’s boss! We’re going to climb these stairs and put them in the ground. Grrrrrrrr!!!
Sam: Ok, that like, makes no sense. And there’s no frickin way we can climb these things. That’s insanity! You ask the impossible.
Yoda Gollum: No, not impossible, only impossible in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
Sam: Dude, go Zen on me one more time, I’m gonna kick your keister off the top of these stairs.
Frodo: And here we go again… Just start climbing!
(They start to climb except for, oddly enough, Frodo, who is suddenly drawn to the Evil Emerald City by some unknown force. Shot of Evil Emerald City looking ominous and … why does the camera keep moving around like that? Is the cameraman drunk again or something? But anyway, Frodo gets dangerously close to the Hell Hounds before Sam and Gollum stop bickering long enough to notice.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Dude! Have you gone mental!
States the Obvious Gollum: NO! Not that way! That way goes to the bad place!
(They chase after him and try to drag him back to the stairs, but he resists.)
Frodo: Must have… white chocolate frappuccino… extra whip cream… and caramel shots… with chocolate shavings…
Sam: Dude, we’ll pick some up later, I swear, just get back here!
(They drag him away and just as they get back to the stairs, all hell breaks loose and the ground starts shaking.)
Sam: Now see what you’ve done?
Frodo: I didn’t mean to.
(Just then, the tower sends out some weird green light thingy, like the Bat Signal for Baddies, and they see it all the way in Minas Tirith. Frodo and Sam haul butt up the stairs, to an outcrop located conveniently high enough where they can see everything that’s going on while no one can see them. In Minas Tirith, Pippin and Gandalf have non-slashy bonding moment.)
Witch King: (coming outta NOWHERE on gigantic FELL BEAST that couldn’t possibly have been parked behind that wall) They’re going to tell me I can’t sing Carmen? AAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIEIEEEEEEEEEEIEIEIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Frodo: Dude, I think my eardrums just burst!
Sam: What?
Frodo: Huh?
Sam: You say something?
Frodo: What?
(Just then, the gates to Minas Morgul open, and out pours the whole frickin Mordor army, once again marching horribly. These guys really need to work on their cadence.)
Gandalf: We come to it at last – the goodest, the baddest, the ugliest show down of our time.
Pippin: (sniffs) That was beautiful, bro.
(Fell beast flies off tower and swoops over the army, and right over Frodo and Sam, and STILL no one sees them.)
Hood Gollum: Will you fools stop lying around? We gotta climb, man.
(They get up and start climbing, and STILL no one sees them. They really must be blind. Maybe it’s the helmets…)
Gandalf: The board is set… The pieces are moving… They started the chess tournament without us!
Pippin: What?! So rude! (looks down at next level of the city, where some bros are gathered around playing chess.) Oh, they’re so gonna pay for that!
Chapter 16: Sam’s Warning
(Anyway, back at Frodo and Sam… They’re now climbing the stairs, which have conveniently placed landings for the action and drama to occur. Frodo’s up ahead and Gollum’s being himself… er, selves.)
Marlin Gollum: See, first, what we do is we go up the stairs. Now, you have to be careful when going up the stairs, because you can slip and fall, and that would be bad. So, you take a step up, and then, you wait. And then, you take another step up and then you wait again. Waiting is important, see, and if we do this enough times, we’ll get to the tunnel, and then we can…
Sam: So, what’s in this tunnel again?
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Nothing. That’s why they call it a tunnel, boy. It’s hollow inside.
Sam: Listen you, just cuz Mr. Frodo’s got a soft spot for you, doesn’t mean I’m going to. I meant it about kicking your keister off the top of these stairs, so don’t even try nothing fishy.
Bato Gollum: Look at Sancho, trying to be the cholo. Cholo doesn’t fit on you hom. Only cholo round here is the Ring and it doesn’t like to share.
Sam: For the last time, I am NOT his Sancho!
(Clocks Gollum and follows after Frodo, who was watching the whole thing.)
Frodo: What’s up?
Sam: Oh, nothing, just the same ole same ole.
Frodo: Oh. Kay, then.
(And they keep on climbing.)
Chapter 17: Pippin’s Task
(Next morning in Gondor, Gandalf and Pippin are walking through the streets of Minas Tirith. Gandalf’s celebrating his chess tournament victory.)
Gandalf: Yay, I so totally kicked their butts! That’ll teach em to try castling a wiz dude!
Pippin: I coulda had that one bro if he hadn’t blindsided me with the pin and fork routine. That was just low.
Gandalf: Whatever little dude. You still lost, which means you gotta climb that (points to beacon tower).
Pippin: No way dude. I made that bet in drunken stupor. It doesn’t count.
Gandalf: What’re you talking about? That’s the ONLY kinda bet that counts. Now get climbing. (Pippin starts to leave) Oh, and don’t forget to light the beacon so we know you actually did it. (Pippin nods and starts to leave again) Oh, and don’t let anyone see you. (Pippin nods again and starts to leave – again) Oh, and don’t fall. Our insurance doesn’t cover you if you break anything.
Pippin: Dude, you’re talking to Pippin, not Frodo.
Gandalf: Oh yeah huh? … Well, what’re you waiting for? Scram already!
(Pippin gives him a dirty look then takes off for wall.)
Continued in Part 6
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 4
Chapter 13: Cross Roads of the Fallen King
(Cut to Frodo, Sam and Gollum, who are still trekking through burnt out pre-Mordor terrain. Gollum’s in the lead, followed by Sam and then Frodo.)
Sam: Dude, too bad we’re in the land that Starbucks forgot. I could really use an espresso shot right about now.
Frodo: I like their frappuccinos.
Sam: You know what would be killer right now – Starbucks ice cream.
Frodo: Mmmmmmmm!
Hood Gollum: Man, why you all talking ‘bout Starbucks? You’re gonna get my craving on.
Tour Guide Gollum: Actually, there is a Starbucks just up the road in the Evil Emerald City, but you have to pay a cover fee.
Sam: Really? What’s that?
Voldemort Gollum: Your soul! Doesn’t that sound lovely?
Sam: Um… yeah, I think I’ll pass. Thanks anyway.
(They continue walking, but Frodo stalls, suddenly angsty about something.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, what’s up bro?
Frodo: It’s just, I was thinking of the last time I had a frappuccino, and I started wondering, what if I never have a frappuccino again, and I got all sad, cuz I really love those man.
Sam: Aw, come on Mr. Frodo, don’t be like that. We’ll have Starbucks again. Oh yes, we will have Starbucks again. (walks up to Frodo and whispers) If anything, we’ll just have Gollum go in and get us something. It’s not like he’s got much of a soul left anyhow, you know?
Frodo: (cheering up) Oh yeah, huh? Good thinkin’ bro.
Sam: That’s what I’m here for.
(They start walking again and pretty soon come to a huge statue of a seated figure with a freaky looking head bound in a metal mask, and there’s all kinds of graffiti all over the throne. Hood Gollum whips out some spray paint and adds his mark.)
Frodo: Dude, that’s just wrong. … You should use blue paint, not pink.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Gollum: What’s wrong with pink? It accentuates the red and brings out the rusty appearance of the metal mask. And it’s perky.
Sam: (looks up at statue and shakes head) Those ancient Numenoreans must have watched Beetlejuice one too many times. Or Silence of Lambs.
Frodo: Yeah, it’s like The Nightmare Before Good Taste.
(They walk away, just as the clouds part and let some sunlight in. The sun hits the real head of the statue lying dejectedly on the ground. Sam looks back and sees it and he calls after Frodo.)
Sam: Look Mr. Frodo, the king’s a flower child!
Frodo: Groovy.
Hippy Gollum: That’s the right on, man. That says it all.
(They have a moment of silence, until the sun goes away and it gets all gloomy again. Then Gollum starts walking again.)
Tour Guide Gollum: Continuing ahead, we’ll find an ancient road now used only by the forces of the Enemy! Get your cameras ready. You’ll want to put this on your Christmas cards!
(Frodo and Sam get out cameras.)
Frodo: Ah, man, I’m outta film.
Chapter 14: “The Deep Breath Before The Plunge”
(Cut to Minas Tirith that night. Gandalf’s outside smoking up a storm and Pippin’s inside riffling through his uniform and gear.)
Pippin: Did, like, Loonethor think I was being serious about the whole pledging my service thing? How dense can you get? What’s up with the infantry garb?
Gandalf: What’s up is you opened your big, fat mouth, that’s what. You’re in the service of the Steward now, little bro, and I for one am gonna enjoy every single second of it.
(He starts coughing up a lung and Pippin brings him a glass of water.)
Pippin: Slow down, old wiz dude. Leave the smoking to the pros. (looks up at sky for reeeaaally long time)
Gandalf: (looking up too) Whatcha looking at?
Pippin: Nothing, I just wanted to see how long it’d take ya to ask that. (goes over to rail and looks out at Mordor) So like, is it always dead like the grave round here? Don’t these dudes know how to party?
Gandalf: They did once, but sadly they’re no longer able to get down and boogey.
Pippin: That’s so not right.
Gandalf: Totally. Now they’re just waiting. It’s the deep breath before the plunge.
Pippin: How’d you get that line? Does that mean Beregond’s not gonna be in this movie?
Gandalf: Hey, we had to cut costs somewhere. That Balrog ate up all the budget.
Pippin: Stupid Balrog. … So like, how much longer till all hell breaks loose? I’m starting to feel like this battle ain’t ever going down. Not that I’m complaining or nothing.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s coming, squirt. Don’t you worry your little tiny head about that.
Pippin: But, what about Frodo and Sam? They’re completely screwed aren’t they?
Gandalf: Yep, pretty much. (notices Pippin’s frown) Er, I mean, naw, they’re all good. I’m sure they’re already climbing up Mt. Doom even as we speak. (Of course, Gandalf just can’t leave it on this optimistic note, so he continues…) But the Enemy has yet to show his full force. He’s got all kinds of bad dudes working for him. Not just orcs neither. There’s these crazy mamukil-riding bros from the south side, and bands of brothers from the surf side. They’re coming to wreak havoc and mayhem on the Free Dudes. It’s the end of the world as we know it.
Pippin: Well I feel fine.
Gandalf: (getting all excited) That’s cuz you don’t comprehend the severity of it! We’re hanging by a thread! We’re all washed up, like beached whales, and our Whale Rider’s been harpooned and reeled in! Don’t you see! If the bros at Osgiliath are defeated, then we’re screwed, little dude. There’ll be nothing to cushion us from the forces of Mordor, and they are NOT gentle. They’ll run us over before we can roll a fattie.
Pippin: But, we got you, bro. That’s got to count for something. … It had better count for something.
Gandalf: Oh, poor foolish impotent Took.
Pippin: (insulted) Hey! I am NOT poor!
Gandalf: I wish I could say I was all that and a bag of chips, but I’m one cracker short of a stack of Pringles.
Pippin: Dude, you’re mixing your metaphors again.
Gandalf: Just work with me, kay? The Eye Man has yet to unleash his deadliest Dead Dude. He’s the pimp that’ll be riding his forces to war, and he’s got the mean right hook. No living man can kill him.
Pippin: What about a non-living man?
Gandalf: Dude, will you stop interrupting my monologue?
Pippin: Sorry. Punkus.
Gandalf: What’d you say?
Pippin: Nothing. I didn’t say nothing.
Gandalf: Whatever. Look, he’s the Witch King of Angmar. You’ve met him before. He’s the Black Dude that sliced Frodo on Weather Top.
Pippin: So, if we’ve met him before, why you saying he hasn’t been unleashed yet?
Gandalf: Man, what’d I just say about not interrupting me? Look, he’s the mack ultimate of the Nazgul, kay? The cream of the evil crop, the titan of the baddies. Minas Morgul is where he rolls and he so doesn’t like trespassers.
Pippin: But he’s blind. It’s not like he could see ‘em anyway.
Gandalf: (sighing) You make it sooo hard to be ominous, you know that?
Chapter 15: Minas Morgul
(Cut to Frodo, Sam and Gollum running up to the road to the Evil Emerald City. They find a conveniently placed hide out next to the road and peek over it.)
Sam: Wow, that’s like, really green. Have they never heard of Lime Away?
States the Obvious Gollum: That is Minas Morgul. It’s an evil place full of (dramatic pause) evil people.
Sam: Gee, ya think?
(They jump out of their hide out and run for another conveniently placed hiding spot.)
Tour Guide Gollum: Minas Morgul was once Minas Ithil, sister city to Minas Arnor, which is now called Minas Tirith. But then, the Big Bad Dark Dude’s evil henchmen took it over. Now it’s the home of the Black Dudes and it’s guarded by the Hell Hounds of Old.
(Cut to shot of statues of some strange looking horned-dogs that look like they’ve been permanently frozen in the midst of saying “whaz uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppp!”)
Tour Guide Gollum: And to your left – the Secret Stair.
(Shot of totally obvious stairs leading up a wall.)
Sam: Dude, these bad dudes really must be blind to never notice these. I mean, really! Even the Secret Garden was harder to find than this!
Frodo: Dude, you’re missing the issue: we gotta climb that. Man! I knew I should have taken those rock climbing classes with Pippin.
Wrestler Gollum: Come on! Grrr! We’re going to show this wall who’s boss! We’re going to climb these stairs and put them in the ground. Grrrrrrrr!!!
Sam: Ok, that like, makes no sense. And there’s no frickin way we can climb these things. That’s insanity! You ask the impossible.
Yoda Gollum: No, not impossible, only impossible in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
Sam: Dude, go Zen on me one more time, I’m gonna kick your keister off the top of these stairs.
Frodo: And here we go again… Just start climbing!
(They start to climb except for, oddly enough, Frodo, who is suddenly drawn to the Evil Emerald City by some unknown force. Shot of Evil Emerald City looking ominous and … why does the camera keep moving around like that? Is the cameraman drunk again or something? But anyway, Frodo gets dangerously close to the Hell Hounds before Sam and Gollum stop bickering long enough to notice.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Dude! Have you gone mental!
States the Obvious Gollum: NO! Not that way! That way goes to the bad place!
(They chase after him and try to drag him back to the stairs, but he resists.)
Frodo: Must have… white chocolate frappuccino… extra whip cream… and caramel shots… with chocolate shavings…
Sam: Dude, we’ll pick some up later, I swear, just get back here!
(They drag him away and just as they get back to the stairs, all hell breaks loose and the ground starts shaking.)
Sam: Now see what you’ve done?
Frodo: I didn’t mean to.
(Just then, the tower sends out some weird green light thingy, like the Bat Signal for Baddies, and they see it all the way in Minas Tirith. Frodo and Sam haul butt up the stairs, to an outcrop located conveniently high enough where they can see everything that’s going on while no one can see them. In Minas Tirith, Pippin and Gandalf have non-slashy bonding moment.)
Witch King: (coming outta NOWHERE on gigantic FELL BEAST that couldn’t possibly have been parked behind that wall) They’re going to tell me I can’t sing Carmen? AAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIEIEEEEEEEEEEIEIEIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Frodo: Dude, I think my eardrums just burst!
Sam: What?
Frodo: Huh?
Sam: You say something?
Frodo: What?
(Just then, the gates to Minas Morgul open, and out pours the whole frickin Mordor army, once again marching horribly. These guys really need to work on their cadence.)
Gandalf: We come to it at last – the goodest, the baddest, the ugliest show down of our time.
Pippin: (sniffs) That was beautiful, bro.
(Fell beast flies off tower and swoops over the army, and right over Frodo and Sam, and STILL no one sees them.)
Hood Gollum: Will you fools stop lying around? We gotta climb, man.
(They get up and start climbing, and STILL no one sees them. They really must be blind. Maybe it’s the helmets…)
Gandalf: The board is set… The pieces are moving… They started the chess tournament without us!
Pippin: What?! So rude! (looks down at next level of the city, where some bros are gathered around playing chess.) Oh, they’re so gonna pay for that!
Chapter 16: Sam’s Warning
(Anyway, back at Frodo and Sam… They’re now climbing the stairs, which have conveniently placed landings for the action and drama to occur. Frodo’s up ahead and Gollum’s being himself… er, selves.)
Marlin Gollum: See, first, what we do is we go up the stairs. Now, you have to be careful when going up the stairs, because you can slip and fall, and that would be bad. So, you take a step up, and then, you wait. And then, you take another step up and then you wait again. Waiting is important, see, and if we do this enough times, we’ll get to the tunnel, and then we can…
Sam: So, what’s in this tunnel again?
Capt. Jack Sparrow Gollum: Nothing. That’s why they call it a tunnel, boy. It’s hollow inside.
Sam: Listen you, just cuz Mr. Frodo’s got a soft spot for you, doesn’t mean I’m going to. I meant it about kicking your keister off the top of these stairs, so don’t even try nothing fishy.
Bato Gollum: Look at Sancho, trying to be the cholo. Cholo doesn’t fit on you hom. Only cholo round here is the Ring and it doesn’t like to share.
Sam: For the last time, I am NOT his Sancho!
(Clocks Gollum and follows after Frodo, who was watching the whole thing.)
Frodo: What’s up?
Sam: Oh, nothing, just the same ole same ole.
Frodo: Oh. Kay, then.
(And they keep on climbing.)
Chapter 17: Pippin’s Task
(Next morning in Gondor, Gandalf and Pippin are walking through the streets of Minas Tirith. Gandalf’s celebrating his chess tournament victory.)
Gandalf: Yay, I so totally kicked their butts! That’ll teach em to try castling a wiz dude!
Pippin: I coulda had that one bro if he hadn’t blindsided me with the pin and fork routine. That was just low.
Gandalf: Whatever little dude. You still lost, which means you gotta climb that (points to beacon tower).
Pippin: No way dude. I made that bet in drunken stupor. It doesn’t count.
Gandalf: What’re you talking about? That’s the ONLY kinda bet that counts. Now get climbing. (Pippin starts to leave) Oh, and don’t forget to light the beacon so we know you actually did it. (Pippin nods and starts to leave again) Oh, and don’t let anyone see you. (Pippin nods again and starts to leave – again) Oh, and don’t fall. Our insurance doesn’t cover you if you break anything.
Pippin: Dude, you’re talking to Pippin, not Frodo.
Gandalf: Oh yeah huh? … Well, what’re you waiting for? Scram already!
(Pippin gives him a dirty look then takes off for wall.)
Continued in Part 6