The Dude Towers

[gamgee_fics]

Title: The Dude Towers
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.


Continued from Part 12



Thanks to Fireblade K’Chona for President George W. Bush Gollum, to Orangeblossom for Preppie Gollum and Arnold Schwarzenegger Gollum, and to The Noble Platypus for Shakespeare Gollum.


Chapter 40 – The Window in the West

(Cut to a MAP)

Faramir: Kay, so like, this over here is ROHAN, kay? And we’re here, in GONDOR. See? Rohan. Gondor. Rohan. Gondor. Rohan has Sharkey. Gondor’s got the Eye-man. Two completely different kingdoms, battling two completely different evil dudes. Get it?

Madril: Yeah, I got it. Tell me something I didn’t know.

Faramir: I’m being possessed by my dead brother’s spirit.

Madril: Get out!

Faramir: No, for sure!

(Cut to Frodo and Sam. Some random guy takes the blindfolds off and leaves them. Faramir comes and joins them. He shines a bright light in their eyes, making them squint.)

Faramir: So, let’s get started. Where were you on the morning of February 26th? Who are your alibis? I want names!

Frodo: Who? What? We don’t got no alibis.

Faramir: Then you admit you did it?

Frodo: Did what?! Dude, what are you talkin’ about?

Faramir: Sorry, little dude, there’s no denying it now.

Sam: Look, bro, we got no freakin’ clue what you’re talkin’ about, kay? We don’t even know what today is, how are we supposed to know when the 26th was, or where we were?

Faramir: Hey! I’ll ask the questions here, bub. … My boys tell me you’re orc spies.

Sam: Spies? Dude, do we LOOK like orcs?

Faramir: No, that’s why you’d be spies, duh!

Sam: Oh, right. … I mean, NO! We’re not spies.

Faramir: Oh really? What are you then? Huh? Huh? What are ya? You can’t say, cuz you’re SPIES!

Frodo: We’re hobbits of the Shire-Hood.

Faramir: Oh. … Well, that doesn’t prove nothing. You already said you were on a secret mission for the Enemy. ‘Hobbit’ could just be orc-speak for spy. And where’s the Shire Hood? Some secret hideout? Is that where you were going? Answer me!

Frodo: (confused) Um, like, you ARE Faramir, right?

Sam: Yeah, bro, what’s your prob? And do you think you could get that light outta our faces. You’re blinding us, man.

Faramir: Oh, yeah, sorry ‘bout that little dude. (removes light) How’s that?

Sam: Loads better, thanks, bro.

Faramir: Would you like something to drink? We got ale.

Sam: That’d be way excellent!

Faramir: Kay, just let me … I mean, hey! Stop changing the subject all over the place! You didn’t answer my question! I want names!

Frodo: (sighs deeply, then talks slowly) I’m Frodo Baggins, this is Samwise Gamgee – my gardener, not my bodyguard, so don’t go there. We’re Hobbits from the Shire-Hood, to the Northwest of here, so not to the South. We went to Rivendell kay, and we left there with 7 other people, right? Two of my cousins, and a Dwarf Dude, an Elf Dude, an Incredibly Old Wiz Dude, and two Big Dudes, Aragorn and Boromir.

Faramir: Ah-ha! Boromir. Now we’re getting somewhere. I notice he ain’t around here nowhere. … WHAT’D YOU DO TO HIM!!!!

Frodo: Nothing! Dude, you’re warped!

Faramir: Oh, am I? Well, I’ll have you know, Boromir was my brother. I shall have to avenge his death.

Frodo & Sam: He’s dead?!?

Frodo: When? How?

Faramir: Don’t try to act like you don’t know.

Frodo: I DON’T know! He was breathin’ last time I saw him. Dude, if you know something, you better tell me, for sure.

Faramir: Oh, I better huh? Well, I’ll tell you then… his horn washed up on the riverbank. It was split in two.

Sam: Kay, and that proves he’s dead how?

[Flashback scene to Faramir standing in river watching a boat approach. Boromir’s lying in it, submerged in water. Boat goes floating by.]

Faramir: Dude, maybe now I can be Dad’s favorite for a change!

Boromir: (in spooky disembodied voice) Yeah, right! As if!

Faramir: Aw, man, will you get outta my head!

Boromir: No, cuz I’ve figured out where they’re going. When you run into em, just do what I tell ya.

Faramir: Wha-?

Boromir: No questions!

Faramir: Dude, this better not be like that time with the candle wax. Dad grounded me for a month.

Boromir: No whining!

[End flashback]

Faramir: I just know, kay. Is that enough for you? So, how’d you kill him?

Frodo: Dude, for the last time, we didn’t kill him.

Faramir: Yeah? Got any witnesses? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Huh? Oh! I know, maybe that gangily creature thingie knows something? What about him?

Frodo: (shifty eyed) Um, there’s no gangily creature thingie.

Faramir: We’ll see about that, little dude. Oh, yes, we shall see.


Chapter 41: Sons of the Steward

(Frodo and Sam have disappeared. Faramir’s sitting and staring out with a dazed look. Cut to another flashback.)

[Osgiliath, at some undetermined time in the past. Boromir’s standing before a crowd of soldiers.]

Boromir: This city was once the greatest party town of our people. Now, it’s pretty much wasted big time. It’s a dump, I mean, look at it. But we’re sentimental, so we so totally took it back and actually, it’s a pretty awesome site for some monster raves. FOR MONSTER RAVES!

Soldiers: RAVES!

Boromir: FOR MONSTER RAVES!

Soldiers: RAVES!

Boromir: Totally.

[Later, everyone’s celebrating their victory by getting plastered big time. Faramir comes up, acting normal.]

Faramir: Big Bro!

Boromir: Little Bro!

[They body slam each other and chug some ale.]

Faramir: Totally wicked speech bro! We’re already planning the first rave. It’ll be sweet!

Boromir: Excellent!

Faramir: (suddenly getting serious) Oh, crap.

Boromir: What?

Faramir: He’s here.

Boromir: Ah, crap. Why does he always got to poop our party? That’s so whacked, for sure.

[Denethor comes up, all excited about something.]

Denethor: Boromir! My most FAVORITE son! I LOVE you man! You creamed those orc scum for good!

Boromir: Please, it was no big. Sides, I couldn’t have done it without Faramir. He was totally crucial.

Denethor: I bet. Probly made a nice shield for ya.

Faramir: Dude, will you give me some slack already?

Boromir: Yeah, man, he’s so worthy. Give him a break.

Denethor: (ignoring Faramir) Look, FAVORITE son, I got a job for you. (pulls Boromir away so they can talk in secret) Elrond of Rivendell is holding a secret council meeting.

Boromir: If it’s secret, how do you know about it?

Denethor: Cuz I do. Don’t be questioning your father, man, that ain’t cool. Now, I need you to go and check out the scene, see what’s going down. If my guess is correct, you should be bringing me home a MIGHTY GIFT before the end of the month. Do not fail me, man, or else.

Boromir: A mighty gift? X-Game tickets?!

Denethor: No.

Boromir: Front row seats to Metallica?

Denethor: No.

Boromir: A signed skateboard by Tony Hawke?!!!

Denethor: No, bro, a Ring. The ONE Ring.

Boromir: Oooooohhhhhh!!!! ………… I don’t get it.

Denethor: The One Ring, of Sauron, Isildur’s Bane, The Ring of POWER, to rule all other rings. Gondor needs it, man, and you’re getting it, before those other slackers can try to nab it. I mean, imagine the Ring in the hands of a jewel obsessed Dwarf Dude, or one of those pansy elves. Not a pretty thought. No, man, the Ring’s gotta come here. It’s way dangerous, I know, but I live for danger – it’s my middle name.

Boromir: Isn’t your middle name Mel?

Denethor: Shut up! Look, with the Ring, we’d be totally unstoppable and we’d never have to fight again ever.

Boromir: Um, that’s not how I understood it. Doesn’t the Ring make you fight more?

Denethor: Look, man, you’re goin’ to Rivendell and you’re bringing me back the Ring. I don’t care how you do it.

Boromir: No way! Not even! We’re setting up a rave! It’s been forever since I’ve been to one of those! (goes storming out, throwing a massive hissy fit as he goes)

Denethor: (following) You’re going to Rivendell, no arguing.

Faramir: I am?!

Denethor: Not you doofus. What do you think this is? A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to prove his righteousness? Yeah, right! As if! I wouldn’t even trust you to trip over your own feet. No way you’re going. It’s Boromir. No one else.

[Little while later, Boromir’s dressed up in his FOTR clothes, ready to ride off.]

Boromir: Dude, I don’t know why you’re so eager to be Dad’s favorite. It sucks.

Faramir: Are you kidding? Anything to get outta this hellhole. You get to go everywhere!

Boromir: Catch you later, little bro. Drive Dad crazy while I’m gone, will ya?

Faramir: Dude, like you even have to ask! It’s guaranteed. Party on, Big Bro!

Boromir: Party on, Little Bro.

[Boromir rides away and Faramir commences with the rave plans.]


Chapter 42: The Forbidden Pool

(Random soldier dude comes up and whispers something in Faramir’s ear. Faramir goes over to where Frodo and Sam are sleeping and wakes up Frodo.)

Faramir: You’re coming with me little dude.

Frodo: Kay.

(Faramir leads Frodo outside to a CLIFF.)

Faramir: Over here, man.

Frodo: Yeah right! I sooo don’t think so. You’ll push me over, for sure.

Faramir: No I won’t.

Frodo: Yea-huh!

Faramir: Fine, then just look down.

Frodo: Why? So I can get vertigo and fall? I saw that movie, I know how it works.

Faramir: Just, like, look over the edge already!

(Frodo looks down just in time to see Smeagol jump into the pool.)

Frodo: Ah, crap.

Faramir: Any perp who enters the Forbidden Pool totally gets it between the eyes. (points to some bowmen, who are taking aim)

Frodo: Dude, you bros are way into your slaughterage, aren’t you? All your rules are about killing people. What’s up with that?

Faramir: Are you dead yet?

Frodo: No.

Faramir: Alright, then, can it. Now, shall I shoot?

Frodo: You want to kill me!

Faramir: (losing patience) No, dorkus, the gangily creature thingie! Shall I shoot it?

Frodo: OH! That!

Smeagol: (jumps out of pool with a fish and starts singing)
One, two, three, four, five,
Once I caught a fish alive;
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
Then I let him go again.
Why did you let him go?
Because he bit my finger so!
Which finger did he bite?
This little finger on the right!

Frodo: Sure, go for it. He’s off his rocker anyway. I mean, really, you’d totally be doing everyone a massive favor.

Faramir: Um, what? For reals? You’ll let me shoot him?

Frodo: Yep. ………… NO! No, wait!

Faramir: Ah-ha! So you DO know him!

Frodo: Course I do, duh! But not for that reason. It’s just, Sam’s been begging me for like FOREVER to let me let him kill him. He’d be majorly ticked off if I let someone else do it. I’d never hear the end of it. So, um, you think maybe I could just go down and nab him?

Faramir: All right, but be pronto-like.

(Frodo goes down to the pool and promptly starts calling to Smeagol like he’s a dog.)

Frodo: (whistling and clapping) Come here, Smeagol! Come on, buddie, come to Master Dude! Come on, boy, you can do it! Good Smeagol!

Smeagol: What’s wrong with you acting funny with the calling me like that for?

Frodo: Just get over here! That’s it. A little more. …………… A liiiiiiiiiiiiittle more.

(Smeagol gets nabbed by Madril, who comes outta nowhere.)

Smeagol: Aaaaahhhh! You tricked me, you tricky trickin’ trickster!

Frodo: Hey! I coulda let ‘em kill you, you know? Be grateful, geez.

(Up at the cave, some random soldiers are pummeling Smeagol FOR NO GOOD REASON! Faramir finally stops them and Smeagol goes to hide in an alcove.)

Faramir: So, where were you takin’ em to, Gangily Creature Dude?

(Smeagol ignores him and cries shamelessly. Then the Gollums start to reappear.)

Bato Gollum: Ah, poor lasito, why you cry?

Smeagol: Mean crabby jerks hurts us! Master Dude tricks us!

Hood Gollum: Now, see son? Maybe next time you listen up. I told you he don’t know how to act.

Smeagol: (cries)

Dude Gollum: Yeah, bro, what were you expecting? I mean, really?

Smeagol: Master’s our friend.

Hood Gollum: Yeah, that right. ‘Master’, up at the Big House, mackin out on what we give ‘im, like he entitled. Thas bugged out.

Dude Gollum: Yeah, man, how can you defend him, bro? He hung us out to dry. And he filched It from us, the little weasel! We can’t let the twerps get away with that!

President George W. Bush Gollum: In my judgment, when we say there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences.

Preppie Gollum: Oh, come on, please! Do you have visual confirmation of him using the Pretty? How do you know he even has it? That could be a decoy Pretty. Where’s the proof?

President George W. Bush Gollum: There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had the Pretty.

Hood Gollum: Wha-? Man, that didn’t even make sense.

Hippy Gollum: We didn’t vote for you.

Dude Gollum: Dude, who let them out of their room?!

Smeagol: Wasn’t me!

Hood Gollum: Man, you two better get back behind that door! Great, we got a tumor or something now.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Gollum: It’s not a tumor!

Shakespeare Gollum: What’s in a name? A ring by any other name would be as pretty.

Bato Gollum: Aiii, papi, you better take that back!

Dude Gollum: Yeah, bro, the Ring is precious; all other rings are only semi-precious. Don’t insult the Pretty!

Faramir: HEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!!!

Gollum: What?!

Faramir: What did he steal again?

Dude Gollum: Oh um, uh … Oh yeah! Our Pretty! DUH!

Faramir: Your pretty dumb what?

Dude Gollum: No, bro, our Pretty! Our Precious Dude!

Hood Gollum: Dang, homie! What you telling him that for? Whas the matter with you!

Dude Gollum: What? Everyone was yelling; I got all confused!

Faramir: (smiles evilly)

(Cut to Frodo and Sam. Note all the barrels surrounding them.)

Sam: So, I’ve been thinking…

Frodo: What?

Sam: Dude, I think we sooo got the wrong Faramir. Maybe there’s more than one.

Frodo: And his brother’s name just happens to be Boromir?

Sam: You never know. They could be popular names. You know, like David and John.

Frodo: Good call. That’d explain a lot. He’s kinda creepy, and not in a good way.

Sam: Yeah, so not good. … So, like, why didn’t you wake me up, man?

Frodo: Come on, bro, not again.

Sam: It would’ve been the perfect time to do him in. Now he’s probly over there telling Imposter Faramir everything he knows. And we’re screwed, man!

Frodo: You think I don’t know that! Geez! Back off, will ya? I don’t got enough weighing me down, you got to ride my ass too!

Sam: Sorry, bro, I didn’t mean to come down on ya. We good?

Frodo: Sure, why not.

Sam: Aw, come on, bro, don’t be like that.

Frodo: Whatever.

(Silence, then…)

Sam: So, I’ve been thinking.

Frodo: Again?

Sam: Yeah, and like, why don’t you just put on the Ring and skid-addle outta here? You know, get away?

Frodo: We’ve been through this already, bro. If I put on the Ring, He’ll see me and make me up like a ballerina again. I just can’t do that trauma right now, kay? It’s too much!!!

(Just then, Faramir enters the room/area/space/wherever the heck they are. Notice that the barrels have disappeared and been replaced by some blankets. Blankets, people! What the heck! How do barrels and blankets even begin to resemble each other? Who was in charge of continuity in this scene? He is so fired!)

Faramir: So, this is the answer to all the riddles, huh?

Frodo: Riddles? What riddles? There’s no riddles! I don’t do riddles; I’m not allowed.

Sam: Yeah, bro, stop playing games.

Faramir: I was being metaphorical.

Frodo & Sam: (stare blankly)

Faramir: Never mind. The point is, I know what you got and you’re so totally outnumbered, it’s not even funny. Well, no, actually, it is funny. If you’re me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Frodo: Dude, you so RULE at the Evil Laugh!

Faramir: Actually, that would be my brother. I’m really not so bad.

Frodo & Sam: (stare blankly)

Faramir: So, anyways… Here in the wild lands I got ya, two little Shire-bros at my mercy, and the Precious Dude just an arm’s length away. A chance for Faramir, Captain of Gondor, to show his righteousness. Whatever will I do?

Frodo: (hopefully) Let us go and give us some provisions to help us on our road?

Sam: Maybe throw in some directions so we won’t be completely lost?

Faramir: Um, no. I soooo don’t think so.

Frodo: But… but… You got to!

Faramir: Oh, really? Do I? Says who?

Sam: The Big Kahuna!

Faramir: (sneering) He has no power here.

Sam: (to Frodo) Dude, I think we’ve just entered The Twilight Zone!

(Cue Twilight Zone theme song. Faramir pulls out his sword and uses it to draw out the Ring. He ogles it possessively. Frodo finally has enough and pushes him away.)

Frodo: Dude, what’s your prob already?! You got that same look in your eyes that Boromir did. It’s freaky!

Sam: Yeah, man, back up off him! What the frick do you think you’re doing anyway?! Leave him alone! Just let us go, so we can get to Mt. Doom already and get rid of the stupid thing. Geez, is that really asking too much?

Random Soldier: (coming from nowhere) Captain Dude, Osgiliath calls for re-enforcements.

Faramir: Yeah, I got the message the first time, thanks.

(Random Soldier dude goes away. The hobbits await the verdict.)

Faramir: The Ring will go to Gondor.

Frodo & Sam: WHAT?!?!?!

Frodo: But… But… But…

Sam: Alright, bro, who are you and what have you done to Faramir?

Faramir: (shifty eyed) I don’t know what you’re talking about. (leaves)

Frodo: But… But… But…

Sam: What the frick?!





Continued in Part 14