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gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 10:51 am
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-15 10:51 am
Entry tags:
Dude of the Rings
Title: Dude of the Rings
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 17
Chapter 44: The Breaking of the Fellowship
(Aragorn approaches the super orcs and, in true movie hero fashion, begins whacking them one after the other while the rest stand around and wait for their turn. Legolas and Gimli come outta nowhere, just in time to save Aragorn’s keister – naturally – and start whooping butt themselves. Majorly bloody battle sequence ensues, the only interesting part being when Legolas stabs a super orc in the eye and then uses the same arrow to kill another super orc. Sweet!)
(Elsewhere: Sam’s looking desperately for Frodo and luckily manages to miss being seen by EVERYONE.)
(Elsewhere: Frodo runs for dear life and hides behind a tree. A tree, people! Oh, but wait. Merry and Pippin, luckily for Frodo but kinda sucky for them, are hiding underneath a tree that is conveniently close by.)
Pippin: Frodo, dude, over here!
Frodo: No way coz. We soooo already did that this movie. I like to be original.
Pippin: (to Merry) What’s he doing, coz?
Merry: I don’t know, that dude never made any sense.
(More super orcs come outta nowhere. Now, considering the super orcs were too dense to see Frodo before, you would think it would work again, but the back-up hobbit dudes don’t seem to consider this and charge out of their hiding place to draw the super orcs away from Frodo, who’s already running in the opposite direction anyway, so it’s all completely pointless. Merry and Pippin are now running for dear life cuz, well duh, wouldn’t you with an incredibly frickin’ number of super orcs coming at ya? Suddenly, Boromir comes running outta nowhere. He realizes too late that neither hobbit is Frodo, but since he’s already made a big dramatic entrance and was already spotted by the back-up hobbits and the super orcs, he decides to do the courageous thing and kick super orc butt. Merry and Pippin decide it would be really smart to stop and defend themselves by throwing rocks. Yes, you heard me correctly – ROCKS! Now, considering the super orcs are wearing really narly helmets, the rocks really wouldn’t do any damage, but they feel sorry for the hobbits’ stupidity and humor them by falling down unconscious anyway. Meanwhile, Boromir’s whacking away.)
Boromir: Take that, and that, and that!!!! I SO RULE!!!!! (blows Horn of Gondor)
(Elsewhere: Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli stop their fighting when they hear a strange sound on the air.)
Gimli: (blushing) Whoops, sorry dudes. I think I ate too much of that lembas.
(They hear the sound again.)
Legolas: That wasn’t you dude. That was the Horn of Gondor!
Aragorn: Boromir! Quick!
(Back to Boromir and the little dudes: Even though they’re incredibly outnumbered, the fight is totally in their favor. Suddenly, Lurtz comes outta nowhere with a wicked narly bow and shoots Boromir who’s in mid-swing.)
Merry and Pippin: (in shock) DUDE!!!!
Boromir: OUCH! DUDE! SO RUDE! I’m, like, trying to be all heroic here. You’re totally ruining the moment.
Lurtz: Yeah, like I care, dude.
(Boromir keeps swinging at the super orcs. Lurtz loads up another arrow and lets it fly.)
Boromir: Ok, now you’re just annoying me, ugly orc dude. (looks at Merry and Pippin who are stupidly standing around doing nothing.) Little dudes, like, help or something.
Merry: Help, right... Um, how?
Boromir: Like, duh, dude. I mean, you do got swords – hello! Use ‘em, obviously. Do you think I’ve been teaching you for nothing? How thick can you get?
Pippin: Did he just insult us?
Merry: I believe so, bro.
Pippin: Dude, what’s with the ‘tude?
Merry: Yeah, man. I mean, we ain’t the ones shooting you full of arrows.
Boromir: You guys suck.
(Boromir gets shot again. This time he crumples to the ground.)
Merry: Uh-oh. We’re screwed now, dude!
Pippin: Slice and dice time!
(They pick up their swords and attack, but the super orcs just pick ‘em up and swing ‘em over their shoulders.)
Merry: Well, duh. What else did you expect to happen?
(The super orcs pass up Boromir, but Lurtz decides to stay and goad it up majorly. Too bad for him, cuz Aragorn FINALLY shows up after running a couple hundred yards down the hill for like, the last FIVE minutes and totally whoops his butt, er I mean, head off big time.)
Chapter 45: The Departure of Boromir
(Aragorn runs up to Boromir, who has somehow managed to position himself against a tree.)
Aragorn: Boromir, dude, you look like crap, bro.
Boromir: Duh, I’m like on my deathbed here. Give a guy a break. For sure.
Aragorn: Sorry, dude. It’s just, like, you know, hard to know the proper thing to say in this kind of situation.
Boromir: Yeah I know, but probly something noble and wise that sums up everything we’ve been through so far, and gives us hope for what’s to come.
Aragorn: Naw, that wouldn’t work.
Boromir: Bogus. (dies.)
Aragorn: (says a little prayer)
Boromir: (comes back to life) Wait! I forgot! The little dudes! They took ‘em. Oh and where’s the Ring Dude?
Aragorn: Why you wanna know, man?
Boromir: So I can haunt him – duh! I mean, this is all kinda his fault.
Aragorn: (fed up) Oh, just die already. This has gotta be like the longest death scene since
that Prof. Snape guy bit it in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. You know, if I didn’t know any better, dude, I’d say you were fakin’ it just to get out of the rest of the quest.
Boromir: You know what, I was gonna call you ‘my Captain, my King’, but I’m soooo not gonna now. (dies)
Aragorn: Bogus.
(Legolas and Gimli come running up. Gee, where the frick have they been?)
Aragorn: He’s dead.
Gimli: Yeah, that’s kinda obvious, dude.
Aragorn: RIP, Dude of Gondor. (kisses Boromir’s forehead) The Gondorians will look for his coming, but he soooo ain’t gonna come.
Chapter 46: The Road Goes Ever On...
(Elsewhere: Sam’s still running like mad trying to find Frodo, and he STILL hasn’t been spotted by ANYBODY, even though the hills were literally swarming with super orcs just moments before – convenient, huh?)
(Elsewhere: Frodo’s wasting time by the boats trying to find the bravery to go to Mordor alone. He flashes back to a way inspirational moment that happened in Moria:
Frodo: Dude, this adventure blows.
Gandalf: Yeah, it sucks big time. But we must continue on.
Frodo decides to ‘continue on’ and hops into a boat and shoves off, just as Sam FINALLY reaches the shore.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, dude! Like, wait up for me, bro.
Frodo: No way dude. You so aren’t going. ‘Sides, you don’t know how to swim.
Sam: Whatever dude. (runs into water after Frodo and drowns. Gee, there’s a smart one.)
Frodo: Sam! (rows back and pulls Sam outta the water.) You retard! What did ya do that for!
Sam: Hey, I said I would be here for ya always, and I meant it, bro. I LOVE you, dude!
Frodo: Oh, Sam, I love YOU, dude! (they break down, and cry and hug) Come on, bro.
(They pick up the oars and start rowing.)
(Little while later, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are giving Boromir a river funeral. They’re doing the ‘act macho’ thing again and pretending not to cry as Legolas sings a farewell song.)
Legolas:
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
Aragorn: Dude, that’s not funny.
Gimli: Whatcha talking ‘bout, bro? Weird Al rules!
Aragorn: Sing the real song, dude.
Legolas: Kay, dude. Chill. Geez.
I know your time on earth was troubled And only you could know the pain You weren't afraid to face the Devil You're no stranger to the rain Oh, how we cried the day you left us We gathered ‘round your grave to grieve Wish I could see the angel’s faces When they hear your sweet voice sing So, go rest high on that mountain Son, your work on earth is done Go to Heaven a'shouting Before the Father and the Son
Aragorn: (sniff) That was (sniff sniff) amazing, dude.
Gimli: Yeah, bro (sniff) that was, like, (voice getting squeaky high with suppressed emotion) so beautiful.
Legolas: Yeah, (sniff) I so rule.
(They watch as Boromir’s boat goes tumbling over the Falls of Rauros, sniffling all the time. They finally loose it as the boat takes the plunge and start bawling shamelessly.)
(On the other side of the river...)
Frodo: Dude, like, what’s their problem?
Sam: I have no clue, bro. Those Big Dudes are weird.
(Back on the western shore, the guys have regained control and are acting cool once again.)
Legolas: So, like, the little dudes have reached the eastern shore. Are we going after ‘em or what?
Gimli: I vote ‘or what’.
Legolas: So the Dudeship has failed.
Gimli: Hey, that’s my line, dude.
Legolas: Sorry, bro. My bad.
Gimli: No prob, man. ... So, the Dudeship has failed.
Aragorn: Yeah, we kinda suck at this point.
Legolas: So what do we do?
Aragorn: Well, we could go after Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: Yeah, we could totally do that.
Legolas: I’m game.
Aragorn: Kewl! Let’s mosey!
(They run off into movie #2)
(Elsewhere: Frodo and Sam have reached the border of the Emyn Muil)
Frodo: Why do I get the feeling I’m sooooo not gonna like this.
Sam: Well, the movie has been getting progressively suckier, but it could still be all good.
Frodo: Ah, Sam, like, I’m so glad you came with me, bro. Come on. It’s just you and me, dude. (to himself) At least, till I have to split again.
Sam: What, bro?
Frodo: I didn’t say nothing.
[End Credits!!!!!]
Soundtrack available on Tuckborough Records – NOT!
1. “In Da Club” – 50 Cent
2. “I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred (different version from film)
3. “I Want to be Sedated” – The Ramones
4. “My Bad Reputation” – Joan Jett
5. “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen
6. “Come Sail Away” – The Styx
7. “Magic Stick” – Lil Kim, feat. 50 Cent
8. “Grease” – Frankie Valli
9.“Nowhere Man” – The Beatles
10. “Life Goes On” – The Beatles
11. “I Will Remember You” – Sarah McLachlin
12. “Aquarius” – The Fifth Element
13. “Since You’ve Been Gone” – Weird Al Yankovic
14. “Go Rest High on That Mountain” – Vince Gill
Concluded in Part 19
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Brief violence based on movie, some mild language, extreme AU
Genre: Parody
Length: Novella (in movie script format)
Summary: What would the LOTR movies sound like if everyone were surfer dudes?
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of the songs, movies, TV shows, products or anything else referred to herein.
A/N: The elvish is provided by the www.Elvish.org and is designated here by bold text. The dude-version translation is provided by me and is written in italics.
Continued from Part 17
Chapter 44: The Breaking of the Fellowship
(Aragorn approaches the super orcs and, in true movie hero fashion, begins whacking them one after the other while the rest stand around and wait for their turn. Legolas and Gimli come outta nowhere, just in time to save Aragorn’s keister – naturally – and start whooping butt themselves. Majorly bloody battle sequence ensues, the only interesting part being when Legolas stabs a super orc in the eye and then uses the same arrow to kill another super orc. Sweet!)
(Elsewhere: Sam’s looking desperately for Frodo and luckily manages to miss being seen by EVERYONE.)
(Elsewhere: Frodo runs for dear life and hides behind a tree. A tree, people! Oh, but wait. Merry and Pippin, luckily for Frodo but kinda sucky for them, are hiding underneath a tree that is conveniently close by.)
Pippin: Frodo, dude, over here!
Frodo: No way coz. We soooo already did that this movie. I like to be original.
Pippin: (to Merry) What’s he doing, coz?
Merry: I don’t know, that dude never made any sense.
(More super orcs come outta nowhere. Now, considering the super orcs were too dense to see Frodo before, you would think it would work again, but the back-up hobbit dudes don’t seem to consider this and charge out of their hiding place to draw the super orcs away from Frodo, who’s already running in the opposite direction anyway, so it’s all completely pointless. Merry and Pippin are now running for dear life cuz, well duh, wouldn’t you with an incredibly frickin’ number of super orcs coming at ya? Suddenly, Boromir comes running outta nowhere. He realizes too late that neither hobbit is Frodo, but since he’s already made a big dramatic entrance and was already spotted by the back-up hobbits and the super orcs, he decides to do the courageous thing and kick super orc butt. Merry and Pippin decide it would be really smart to stop and defend themselves by throwing rocks. Yes, you heard me correctly – ROCKS! Now, considering the super orcs are wearing really narly helmets, the rocks really wouldn’t do any damage, but they feel sorry for the hobbits’ stupidity and humor them by falling down unconscious anyway. Meanwhile, Boromir’s whacking away.)
Boromir: Take that, and that, and that!!!! I SO RULE!!!!! (blows Horn of Gondor)
(Elsewhere: Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli stop their fighting when they hear a strange sound on the air.)
Gimli: (blushing) Whoops, sorry dudes. I think I ate too much of that lembas.
(They hear the sound again.)
Legolas: That wasn’t you dude. That was the Horn of Gondor!
Aragorn: Boromir! Quick!
(Back to Boromir and the little dudes: Even though they’re incredibly outnumbered, the fight is totally in their favor. Suddenly, Lurtz comes outta nowhere with a wicked narly bow and shoots Boromir who’s in mid-swing.)
Merry and Pippin: (in shock) DUDE!!!!
Boromir: OUCH! DUDE! SO RUDE! I’m, like, trying to be all heroic here. You’re totally ruining the moment.
Lurtz: Yeah, like I care, dude.
(Boromir keeps swinging at the super orcs. Lurtz loads up another arrow and lets it fly.)
Boromir: Ok, now you’re just annoying me, ugly orc dude. (looks at Merry and Pippin who are stupidly standing around doing nothing.) Little dudes, like, help or something.
Merry: Help, right... Um, how?
Boromir: Like, duh, dude. I mean, you do got swords – hello! Use ‘em, obviously. Do you think I’ve been teaching you for nothing? How thick can you get?
Pippin: Did he just insult us?
Merry: I believe so, bro.
Pippin: Dude, what’s with the ‘tude?
Merry: Yeah, man. I mean, we ain’t the ones shooting you full of arrows.
Boromir: You guys suck.
(Boromir gets shot again. This time he crumples to the ground.)
Merry: Uh-oh. We’re screwed now, dude!
Pippin: Slice and dice time!
(They pick up their swords and attack, but the super orcs just pick ‘em up and swing ‘em over their shoulders.)
Merry: Well, duh. What else did you expect to happen?
(The super orcs pass up Boromir, but Lurtz decides to stay and goad it up majorly. Too bad for him, cuz Aragorn FINALLY shows up after running a couple hundred yards down the hill for like, the last FIVE minutes and totally whoops his butt, er I mean, head off big time.)
Chapter 45: The Departure of Boromir
(Aragorn runs up to Boromir, who has somehow managed to position himself against a tree.)
Aragorn: Boromir, dude, you look like crap, bro.
Boromir: Duh, I’m like on my deathbed here. Give a guy a break. For sure.
Aragorn: Sorry, dude. It’s just, like, you know, hard to know the proper thing to say in this kind of situation.
Boromir: Yeah I know, but probly something noble and wise that sums up everything we’ve been through so far, and gives us hope for what’s to come.
Aragorn: Naw, that wouldn’t work.
Boromir: Bogus. (dies.)
Aragorn: (says a little prayer)
Boromir: (comes back to life) Wait! I forgot! The little dudes! They took ‘em. Oh and where’s the Ring Dude?
Aragorn: Why you wanna know, man?
Boromir: So I can haunt him – duh! I mean, this is all kinda his fault.
Aragorn: (fed up) Oh, just die already. This has gotta be like the longest death scene since
that Prof. Snape guy bit it in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. You know, if I didn’t know any better, dude, I’d say you were fakin’ it just to get out of the rest of the quest.
Boromir: You know what, I was gonna call you ‘my Captain, my King’, but I’m soooo not gonna now. (dies)
Aragorn: Bogus.
(Legolas and Gimli come running up. Gee, where the frick have they been?)
Aragorn: He’s dead.
Gimli: Yeah, that’s kinda obvious, dude.
Aragorn: RIP, Dude of Gondor. (kisses Boromir’s forehead) The Gondorians will look for his coming, but he soooo ain’t gonna come.
Chapter 46: The Road Goes Ever On...
(Elsewhere: Sam’s still running like mad trying to find Frodo, and he STILL hasn’t been spotted by ANYBODY, even though the hills were literally swarming with super orcs just moments before – convenient, huh?)
(Elsewhere: Frodo’s wasting time by the boats trying to find the bravery to go to Mordor alone. He flashes back to a way inspirational moment that happened in Moria:
Frodo: Dude, this adventure blows.
Gandalf: Yeah, it sucks big time. But we must continue on.
Frodo decides to ‘continue on’ and hops into a boat and shoves off, just as Sam FINALLY reaches the shore.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, dude! Like, wait up for me, bro.
Frodo: No way dude. You so aren’t going. ‘Sides, you don’t know how to swim.
Sam: Whatever dude. (runs into water after Frodo and drowns. Gee, there’s a smart one.)
Frodo: Sam! (rows back and pulls Sam outta the water.) You retard! What did ya do that for!
Sam: Hey, I said I would be here for ya always, and I meant it, bro. I LOVE you, dude!
Frodo: Oh, Sam, I love YOU, dude! (they break down, and cry and hug) Come on, bro.
(They pick up the oars and start rowing.)
(Little while later, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are giving Boromir a river funeral. They’re doing the ‘act macho’ thing again and pretending not to cry as Legolas sings a farewell song.)
Legolas:
Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin like I stuck my hand Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
Aragorn: Dude, that’s not funny.
Gimli: Whatcha talking ‘bout, bro? Weird Al rules!
Aragorn: Sing the real song, dude.
Legolas: Kay, dude. Chill. Geez.
I know your time on earth was troubled And only you could know the pain You weren't afraid to face the Devil You're no stranger to the rain Oh, how we cried the day you left us We gathered ‘round your grave to grieve Wish I could see the angel’s faces When they hear your sweet voice sing So, go rest high on that mountain Son, your work on earth is done Go to Heaven a'shouting Before the Father and the Son
Aragorn: (sniff) That was (sniff sniff) amazing, dude.
Gimli: Yeah, bro (sniff) that was, like, (voice getting squeaky high with suppressed emotion) so beautiful.
Legolas: Yeah, (sniff) I so rule.
(They watch as Boromir’s boat goes tumbling over the Falls of Rauros, sniffling all the time. They finally loose it as the boat takes the plunge and start bawling shamelessly.)
(On the other side of the river...)
Frodo: Dude, like, what’s their problem?
Sam: I have no clue, bro. Those Big Dudes are weird.
(Back on the western shore, the guys have regained control and are acting cool once again.)
Legolas: So, like, the little dudes have reached the eastern shore. Are we going after ‘em or what?
Gimli: I vote ‘or what’.
Legolas: So the Dudeship has failed.
Gimli: Hey, that’s my line, dude.
Legolas: Sorry, bro. My bad.
Gimli: No prob, man. ... So, the Dudeship has failed.
Aragorn: Yeah, we kinda suck at this point.
Legolas: So what do we do?
Aragorn: Well, we could go after Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: Yeah, we could totally do that.
Legolas: I’m game.
Aragorn: Kewl! Let’s mosey!
(They run off into movie #2)
(Elsewhere: Frodo and Sam have reached the border of the Emyn Muil)
Frodo: Why do I get the feeling I’m sooooo not gonna like this.
Sam: Well, the movie has been getting progressively suckier, but it could still be all good.
Frodo: Ah, Sam, like, I’m so glad you came with me, bro. Come on. It’s just you and me, dude. (to himself) At least, till I have to split again.
Sam: What, bro?
Frodo: I didn’t say nothing.
[End Credits!!!!!]
Soundtrack available on Tuckborough Records – NOT!
1. “In Da Club” – 50 Cent
2. “I’m Too Sexy” – Right Said Fred (different version from film)
3. “I Want to be Sedated” – The Ramones
4. “My Bad Reputation” – Joan Jett
5. “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen
6. “Come Sail Away” – The Styx
7. “Magic Stick” – Lil Kim, feat. 50 Cent
8. “Grease” – Frankie Valli
9.“Nowhere Man” – The Beatles
10. “Life Goes On” – The Beatles
11. “I Will Remember You” – Sarah McLachlin
12. “Aquarius” – The Fifth Element
13. “Since You’ve Been Gone” – Weird Al Yankovic
14. “Go Rest High on That Mountain” – Vince Gill
Concluded in Part 19