gamgee_fics (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-14 07:36 am
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-14 07:36 am
Entry tags:
Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Title: Lord of the Real World: Rivendell
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 2
Week 3 – What in Middle Earth is Going on Here?
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early morning hours. The house is quiet. Shots of housemates sleeping and fish swimming happily in their tank. Cut to front door entryway. Saruman enters quietly and tiptoes up to his room.]
[A few hours later – housemates are awake, even Gollum, and getting ready for the day. Eowyn and Boromir stay as far away from each other as possible – you couldn’t cut through the tension with a nuke bomb. The other housemates try to go about business as usual. No one talks much. Everyone’s in kitchen, finding food to eat except, oddly enough, Frodo. Saruman enters kitchen.]
Saruman: Hello.
[Everyone looks at him, surprised.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Why the hell did that old fossil have to come back? And what’s with the disco robe? Where did that come from?
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I don’t know, man. Rainbow robes? Maybe Saruman’s the gay one. NO, wait! – I don’t want to picture that. Dammit! Too late. Now I’m scarred for life. Immorality blows.
[Cut back to kitchen]
Arwen: Have the cleaners still not finished with your other robe? I would complain to the manager if I were you.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Arwen isn’t the brightest star in the heavens, is she? Like the old geezer was really getting his robes cleaned all this time. He’s up to something.
[Cut back to kitchen. Saruman goes to fridge and gets some food. Everyone just watches him. Gollum hides in corner behind plant.]
Frodo: (somewhat accusingly) Where have you been?
Saruman: (oblivious) Here and there.
Eowyn: That’s hardly an answer.
Saruman: I do not owe you an explanation for my whereabouts, Eowyn, Eomund’s daughter, but if you must know, some urgent business matters came up that I had to attend to immediately. But everything is in order now, and I am here to stay.
Boromir: (sarcastically) Oh, goodie.
Eowyn: (under her breath) Nothing good about you.
Boromir: What did you say?
[Eowyn ignores him.]
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: Of course, as soon as I leave, they would decide to do something interesting. I’ll have that Gollum creature tell me what happened. (Evil glint in his eyes as he says ‘Gollum’)
**********
[Next day. Doorbell rings. Sam enters without waiting for an invitation. He goes to the kitchen where he finds Frodo, picking at his food. Sam sits down, and helps himself to elevenses, or luncheon, or tea, or whatever one of the bazillion meals of the day this is.]
Sam: I have some news. Your cousins, Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, are on their way. They should be here sometime the day after tomorrow.
Frodo: What are they coming for?
Sam: Well, by your leave Mr. Frodo, I’ve told them that you’ve been a bit depressed lately, missing home and all, and they offered to come and cheer you up. They even found a couple of bottles of the old Winnyards left. If they don’t drink it all on the way over here, we’ll have a toast when they arrive.
Frodo: Toast to what?
Sam: Well, a toast to family and good friends. Cheer up, Mr. Frodo, you won’t always be here. It’ll be over before you know it.
Frodo: I don’t see how that’s possible. Every day seems longer than the last.
[Just then, Boromir enters the kitchen, gets some soda from the fridge. He stares at Frodo and Sam unpleasantly as he leaves.]
Sam: Is that rude man still bothering you? You should know, Mr. Frodo, I’ll kill him if he tries anything.
Frodo: (smiling slightly) I know Sam.
Sam: (somewhat embarrassed, changes subject) How’s your shoulder?
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I didn’t tell anyone, cause I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but on my way out here, some weird scary guy dressed in black came out of nowhere and stabbed me. Butterbur, that’s the innkeeper in Bree, had told us that there have been a rash of muggings in the area. Anyways, the drivers had to rush me to the hospital here, and then, go figure, there was like, a flood at the Ford or something. They barely got me here in time. But I’m all better now – really, I am. Really.
[Back in kitchen, Frodo fingers his shoulder.]
Frodo: It’s fine.
[Sam gives him a look that says he doesn’t believe him, but he says nothing. He continues eating.]
**********
[Montage of housemates lounging about. Arwen is doing her nails, Eowyn is fashioning a knife out of a tree branch. Legolas and Boromir are playing pool, the total game score now being Legolas: 13, Boromir: 2.
Legolas: It’s all about geometry. Lines and angles.
Boromir: I still think your cheating somehow.
Gollum is sleeping, and snoring rather loudly. Saruman, of course, is surfing on the Palantir. Sam and Frodo are outside in the garden, eating apples.]
**********
[Two days later. The doorbell rings. A couple seconds pass, then the doorbell rings again. And again. And again. Whoever it is, is really getting a kick out of that doorbell.]
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong!
Boromir: OK, OK, I’m coming! Knock it off!
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong!
[Boromir opens door. Two hobbits are standing there, taking turns pushing the doorbell.]
Boromir: Who ar--?
Ding Dong Ding Dong!
Boromir: STOP IT!
[Hobbits jump back, surprised.]
Hobbit #1: Sorry, we didn’t see you.
Hobbit #2: What is this thing? It’s so cool.
Boromir: No, don’t!
Ding Dong!
Boromir: (barely controlling his anger) Get in here before I have to hurt you.
[Hobbits enter house, un-phased by the threat.]
Hobbit #2 (or was it hobbit #1?): Wow, it’s so huge.
Legolas: (coming downstairs) You must be Frodo’s cousins.
Hobbit #1: Meriadoc Brandybuck, of Brandy Hall, at your service. (He bows.) And this is Peregrin Took, of the Great Smials.
Pippin: At your service as well. (bows)
Merry: But you may call us Merry and Pippin.
Boromir: Mary? (He laughs.) Isn’t that kind of girlie name?
Merry: (getting angry) Never insult a Brandybuck! (Kicks Boromir.)
Boromir: Ouch!
Pippin: For the Shire! (Kicks Boromir in other leg.)
Boromir: Ouch! Ok, ok, my bad. Sorry. Stop kicking me!
Merry: (calming down) Apology accepted.
Pippin: Can we ring the ding-dongy thing again?
Boromir and Legolas: No.
[Eowyn and Arwen come down. Eowyn is hiding something in the folds of her dress. Merry and Pippin’s jaws drop.]
Pippin: Pretty girls.
Merry: (drools)
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: They are just the cutest little things on two legs. I wonder if Daddy will let me keep one.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Pippin’s cute, but not too bright. Merry seems something of a diplomat. My uncle would like him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I’m getting a headache. But at least these guys seem like they’d be more fun than Frodo.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: No, not more grimy, hairy feet. I don’t think I can take it. Maybe I can ‘accidentally’ drop some soapy water on their feet.
[Cut back to hallway. Frodo and Sam come in. Frodo greets and hugs his cousins.]
[Boromir in c.r.]: More hugging. Maybe hobbits just do like to hug.
[Everyone, but Saruman who’s glued to the Palantir and Gollum who’s sleeping, gathers in the living room. Merry and Pippin start telling them all stories of life in the Shire, and their adventures on the road. During their story telling, they manage to eat two full meals and drink one full bottle of the old Winnyard, while everyone else shares the other bottle.]
Merry: And then we ran across this big fat guy in yellow boots and a blue jacket.
Legolas: Ych. Who picked out his wardrobe?
Merry: That isn’t the half of it. He kept singing nonsense and going on and on about Derry Dol something-or-other. I think he was high on crack.
Pippin: He was very scary.
Arwen: So what did you do?
Merry: The only thing we could do. We kicked him in the kneecaps and ran for it.
Pippin: We ran a long way. It was very exhausting.
[Just then, they take out some pipes, pack them with some pipeweed, and start lighting them up.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Well, at least now we know why they’re always hungry.
[Cut back to living room]
Arwen: Sorry boys, but no smoking in the house. You must go outside.
Merry: But…
Arwen: No. Outside.
Pippin: (whispering) Merry, do what the pretty elf lady says.
Boromir: OUCH!
[Everyone turns around, startled.]
Merry: Look, man, we’re nowhere near you.
Boromir: Not you. It was her. (points behind him)
[Eowyn is standing over Boromir, who is rubbing the back of his neck. Eowyn has her hand behind her back, looking at everyone innocently.]
Eowyn: What?
Boromir: What? What do you mean ‘what’? You poked me with something. (Looks at hand.) I’m bleeding.
Eowyn: Oh, please, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. (She leaves room.)
Merry: (to Pippin) I like her.
[Pippin nods in agreement.]
*********
[The hobbits wind up staying the night. They camp out in Frodo’s room. Boromir is forced to spend the night in Legolas and Gollum’s room, sleeping on some crumpled sheets on the floor. While the other hobbits chat, Pippin starts going through the things in the room. He finds a horn and blows it. It’s really loud and wakes up everyone in the house and the surrounding 10 blocks.]
Frodo: Shh! That’s Boromir’s! He’s not going to like you going through his stuff.
Merry: Quick, put it back.
[Pippin puts it back just as Boromir enters the room, red-eyed.]
Boromir: What was that?
Pippin: What was what?
Boromir: Did I just hear a horn blast?
[The hobbits look at each other innocently, then at Boromir.]
Sam: We don’t have any horns.
Pippin: Right, so, how could we have blown one?
Boromir: Don’t touch my things again. (leaves)
Merry: (to himself) I wish I had a horn.
Pippin: He doesn’t seem so bad, Frodo.
Frodo: Just wait.
**********
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.] I’ve never seen anything like it. It was – wild, man. Strange.
[Next morning. Hobbits are cooking enough food to feed an army. Most of it is for them. The girls are upstairs doing their hair. Legolas is mixing soap in some water, trying to be discreet. Boromir is inspecting his horn. Saruman sneaks around in the den, obviously up to something. Gollum is in the living room, busy with something in one of the corners. Pippin decides to feed the fish in the fish tank. Merry goes with him.]
Pippin: (calling into kitchen) Frodo, did you know there aren’t any fish in your fish tank?
Frodo: What do you mean?
[Frodo and Sam go to fish tank. Sure enough, there’s no fish.]
Sam: Well, that’s odd.
Merry: Yes, very fishy.
[Merry and Pippin bust up laughing. Boromir and Legolas come down the stairs. Legolas is carrying a bucket. They stop to see why everyone is staring at the tank.]
Legolas: Where’s the fish?
[Just then, Gollum burps in his corner. Everyone looks at him.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I have a bad feeling about this.
[Cut back to living room]
Boromir: Gollum?
Gollum: Yummy, yummys, fresssh fisssh.
Pippin: You ate the fish?
[Gollum stops moving. Everyone just stares at him. Saruman comes up from behind and watches everyone.]
Boromir: (getting angry) You ate the fish?
Gollum: No.
Saruman: Don’t lie, Gollum. I saw you do it.
Gollum (says nothing)
Boromir: Is that true?
Gollum: (hanging head) Yes.
The hobbits: Ew!
Boromir: (barely able to control his rage) You ATE them? All of them? Even Twinkle!
Frodo: Twinkle?
Boromir: (pointing at Legolas) It was his idea to name them.
Legolas: Yeah, but you’re the one who named them.
Boromir: Shut up. Was I talking to you?
Frodo: Twinkle?
Boromir: Can it, half-pint.
Merry: That was unnecessary.
Boromir: Whatever.
Pippin: Twinkle?
Boromir: (looking embarrassed) He was my favorite, all right.
Legolas: It’s all right Borry. We can get some more fish.
Saruman: (whispering in Boromir’s ear) Yes, I’m sure Gollum’s still hungry. And I believe he ate Twinkle first.
[Boromir, unable to contain his anger any longer, leaps at Gollum.]
Boromir: You slimy, little… Get back here!
[Gollum screams and runs out of room, through kitchen and out the back door. Legolas reaches out to hold Boromir back. As he does so, the bucket slips from his hands and a wave of cold soapy water splashes the hobbits’ feet. They jump back in shock as Legolas tries to calm Boromir down.]
Saruman: (whispering in Boromir’s ear) If Legolas had been doing his job, this never would have happened.
[Boromir turns on Legolas.]
Boromir: You were supposed to be watching him. Stupid elf. You let him eat Twinkle!
[They start fighting. The hobbits try to run out of the way, but they slip on the water, and everyone falls down in one big heap. Saruman stands back and laughs.]
[Cut to bathroom upstairs. Arwen and Eowyn are listening to the commotion.]
Arwen: What are they fighting about now?
Eowyn: Who knows.
Arwen: Boys.
Eowyn: Yeah.
[They go back to fixing their hair.]
**********
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: It’s not like I really cared about the stupid fish anyway. It’s just the principle of the matter. Those fish belonged to the house. He should have asked before he ate them.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: (laughing hysterically) So, I just whispered in his ear while he was asleep ‘Eat the fish’. I didn’t think it would actually work.
[Cut to living room later that day. All the guys have ice packs for bruises and cuts. None of them are talking, except Merry and Pippin who occasionally crack a joke. Arwen and Eowyn come in the front door.]
Eowyn: It’s official. Gollum’s gone. We couldn’t find him anywhere.
[Legolas looks ill, but says nothing. Boromir looks guilty but says nothing. Frodo, Sam and Merry are expressionless, but say nothing. Pippin looks confused.]
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
[Everyone just stares at him. No one says anything.]
Arwen: (finally breaking the ice) So what do we do now?
Eowyn: Where’s Saruman?
Legolas: In the den, where else?
[Eowyn goes into den. No Saruman. She goes upstairs to his room. No Saruman, and his things are gone. A letter is sitting on the bed. She grabs it and goes back downstairs.]
Eowyn: Now Saruman is gone. (reading letter, in her best Saruman voice) ‘I am most sorry to inform you that some rather urgent business matters have come up and I had to leave immediately. I shall not be returning.’
Legolas: ‘Urgent business matters.’ Why doesn’t that surprise me?
Eowyn: This letterhead looks familiar. (thinks for a few seconds, putting things together) Merry, you said Saruman said he saw everything, but he was in the den the whole time?
Merry: Yep.
Eowyn: And Boromir, he started that fight between you and Legolas.
Boromir: Yeah.
Eowyn: And now he suddenly leaves right after Gollum disappears. This is all very fishy.
[Merry and Pippin laugh. Boromir breaks down and cries.]
Boromir: Twinkle! (sobs)
[Everyone looks at him, shocked. Frodo reaches over and pats his shoulder.]
Frodo: There, there.
Arwen: So, again, what do we do now?
Eowyn: (shrugs) Look for new housemates?
Merry: (raising hand urgently) Oh, me! Pick me! And Pippin!
Sam: What about me?
Merry: There’s only two places available and Pippin and I are a package deal.
Sam: I’ve been here longer than either of you.
Merry: I raised my hand first.
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
Frodo: You can all stay.
Eowyn: But that would make eight housemates. That’s not allowed.
Frodo: I don’t care. Merry and Pippin can take Saruman’s room. Sam, you can stay with Legolas. Everyone agreed?
[Everyone nods, even Boromir, who has regained control and is trying to act macho.]
Pippin: (leaning over and whispering in Merry’s ear) Who’s Gollum?
Merry: (somewhat annoyed) Pippin.
Continued in Week 4
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Extreme AU, movie-verse and book-verse
Genre: Parody
Length: Novel (in screenplay form)
Summary: What happens when various LOTR characters come together to live in the Real World house in Rivendell? Romance, intrigue, cultural misunderstandings and general insanity ensues. And it has a plot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or MTV’s The Real World, or any of the songs, shows, or products referred to herein.
Continued from Week 2
Week 3 – What in Middle Earth is Going on Here?
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together and have their lives taped…
Frodo: See what happens…
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early morning hours. The house is quiet. Shots of housemates sleeping and fish swimming happily in their tank. Cut to front door entryway. Saruman enters quietly and tiptoes up to his room.]
[A few hours later – housemates are awake, even Gollum, and getting ready for the day. Eowyn and Boromir stay as far away from each other as possible – you couldn’t cut through the tension with a nuke bomb. The other housemates try to go about business as usual. No one talks much. Everyone’s in kitchen, finding food to eat except, oddly enough, Frodo. Saruman enters kitchen.]
Saruman: Hello.
[Everyone looks at him, surprised.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Why the hell did that old fossil have to come back? And what’s with the disco robe? Where did that come from?
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I don’t know, man. Rainbow robes? Maybe Saruman’s the gay one. NO, wait! – I don’t want to picture that. Dammit! Too late. Now I’m scarred for life. Immorality blows.
[Cut back to kitchen]
Arwen: Have the cleaners still not finished with your other robe? I would complain to the manager if I were you.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Arwen isn’t the brightest star in the heavens, is she? Like the old geezer was really getting his robes cleaned all this time. He’s up to something.
[Cut back to kitchen. Saruman goes to fridge and gets some food. Everyone just watches him. Gollum hides in corner behind plant.]
Frodo: (somewhat accusingly) Where have you been?
Saruman: (oblivious) Here and there.
Eowyn: That’s hardly an answer.
Saruman: I do not owe you an explanation for my whereabouts, Eowyn, Eomund’s daughter, but if you must know, some urgent business matters came up that I had to attend to immediately. But everything is in order now, and I am here to stay.
Boromir: (sarcastically) Oh, goodie.
Eowyn: (under her breath) Nothing good about you.
Boromir: What did you say?
[Eowyn ignores him.]
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: Of course, as soon as I leave, they would decide to do something interesting. I’ll have that Gollum creature tell me what happened. (Evil glint in his eyes as he says ‘Gollum’)
**********
[Next day. Doorbell rings. Sam enters without waiting for an invitation. He goes to the kitchen where he finds Frodo, picking at his food. Sam sits down, and helps himself to elevenses, or luncheon, or tea, or whatever one of the bazillion meals of the day this is.]
Sam: I have some news. Your cousins, Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin, are on their way. They should be here sometime the day after tomorrow.
Frodo: What are they coming for?
Sam: Well, by your leave Mr. Frodo, I’ve told them that you’ve been a bit depressed lately, missing home and all, and they offered to come and cheer you up. They even found a couple of bottles of the old Winnyards left. If they don’t drink it all on the way over here, we’ll have a toast when they arrive.
Frodo: Toast to what?
Sam: Well, a toast to family and good friends. Cheer up, Mr. Frodo, you won’t always be here. It’ll be over before you know it.
Frodo: I don’t see how that’s possible. Every day seems longer than the last.
[Just then, Boromir enters the kitchen, gets some soda from the fridge. He stares at Frodo and Sam unpleasantly as he leaves.]
Sam: Is that rude man still bothering you? You should know, Mr. Frodo, I’ll kill him if he tries anything.
Frodo: (smiling slightly) I know Sam.
Sam: (somewhat embarrassed, changes subject) How’s your shoulder?
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I didn’t tell anyone, cause I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but on my way out here, some weird scary guy dressed in black came out of nowhere and stabbed me. Butterbur, that’s the innkeeper in Bree, had told us that there have been a rash of muggings in the area. Anyways, the drivers had to rush me to the hospital here, and then, go figure, there was like, a flood at the Ford or something. They barely got me here in time. But I’m all better now – really, I am. Really.
[Back in kitchen, Frodo fingers his shoulder.]
Frodo: It’s fine.
[Sam gives him a look that says he doesn’t believe him, but he says nothing. He continues eating.]
**********
[Montage of housemates lounging about. Arwen is doing her nails, Eowyn is fashioning a knife out of a tree branch. Legolas and Boromir are playing pool, the total game score now being Legolas: 13, Boromir: 2.
Legolas: It’s all about geometry. Lines and angles.
Boromir: I still think your cheating somehow.
Gollum is sleeping, and snoring rather loudly. Saruman, of course, is surfing on the Palantir. Sam and Frodo are outside in the garden, eating apples.]
**********
[Two days later. The doorbell rings. A couple seconds pass, then the doorbell rings again. And again. And again. Whoever it is, is really getting a kick out of that doorbell.]
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong!
Boromir: OK, OK, I’m coming! Knock it off!
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong!
[Boromir opens door. Two hobbits are standing there, taking turns pushing the doorbell.]
Boromir: Who ar--?
Ding Dong Ding Dong!
Boromir: STOP IT!
[Hobbits jump back, surprised.]
Hobbit #1: Sorry, we didn’t see you.
Hobbit #2: What is this thing? It’s so cool.
Boromir: No, don’t!
Ding Dong!
Boromir: (barely controlling his anger) Get in here before I have to hurt you.
[Hobbits enter house, un-phased by the threat.]
Hobbit #2 (or was it hobbit #1?): Wow, it’s so huge.
Legolas: (coming downstairs) You must be Frodo’s cousins.
Hobbit #1: Meriadoc Brandybuck, of Brandy Hall, at your service. (He bows.) And this is Peregrin Took, of the Great Smials.
Pippin: At your service as well. (bows)
Merry: But you may call us Merry and Pippin.
Boromir: Mary? (He laughs.) Isn’t that kind of girlie name?
Merry: (getting angry) Never insult a Brandybuck! (Kicks Boromir.)
Boromir: Ouch!
Pippin: For the Shire! (Kicks Boromir in other leg.)
Boromir: Ouch! Ok, ok, my bad. Sorry. Stop kicking me!
Merry: (calming down) Apology accepted.
Pippin: Can we ring the ding-dongy thing again?
Boromir and Legolas: No.
[Eowyn and Arwen come down. Eowyn is hiding something in the folds of her dress. Merry and Pippin’s jaws drop.]
Pippin: Pretty girls.
Merry: (drools)
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: They are just the cutest little things on two legs. I wonder if Daddy will let me keep one.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Pippin’s cute, but not too bright. Merry seems something of a diplomat. My uncle would like him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I’m getting a headache. But at least these guys seem like they’d be more fun than Frodo.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: No, not more grimy, hairy feet. I don’t think I can take it. Maybe I can ‘accidentally’ drop some soapy water on their feet.
[Cut back to hallway. Frodo and Sam come in. Frodo greets and hugs his cousins.]
[Boromir in c.r.]: More hugging. Maybe hobbits just do like to hug.
[Everyone, but Saruman who’s glued to the Palantir and Gollum who’s sleeping, gathers in the living room. Merry and Pippin start telling them all stories of life in the Shire, and their adventures on the road. During their story telling, they manage to eat two full meals and drink one full bottle of the old Winnyard, while everyone else shares the other bottle.]
Merry: And then we ran across this big fat guy in yellow boots and a blue jacket.
Legolas: Ych. Who picked out his wardrobe?
Merry: That isn’t the half of it. He kept singing nonsense and going on and on about Derry Dol something-or-other. I think he was high on crack.
Pippin: He was very scary.
Arwen: So what did you do?
Merry: The only thing we could do. We kicked him in the kneecaps and ran for it.
Pippin: We ran a long way. It was very exhausting.
[Just then, they take out some pipes, pack them with some pipeweed, and start lighting them up.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Well, at least now we know why they’re always hungry.
[Cut back to living room]
Arwen: Sorry boys, but no smoking in the house. You must go outside.
Merry: But…
Arwen: No. Outside.
Pippin: (whispering) Merry, do what the pretty elf lady says.
Boromir: OUCH!
[Everyone turns around, startled.]
Merry: Look, man, we’re nowhere near you.
Boromir: Not you. It was her. (points behind him)
[Eowyn is standing over Boromir, who is rubbing the back of his neck. Eowyn has her hand behind her back, looking at everyone innocently.]
Eowyn: What?
Boromir: What? What do you mean ‘what’? You poked me with something. (Looks at hand.) I’m bleeding.
Eowyn: Oh, please, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. (She leaves room.)
Merry: (to Pippin) I like her.
[Pippin nods in agreement.]
*********
[The hobbits wind up staying the night. They camp out in Frodo’s room. Boromir is forced to spend the night in Legolas and Gollum’s room, sleeping on some crumpled sheets on the floor. While the other hobbits chat, Pippin starts going through the things in the room. He finds a horn and blows it. It’s really loud and wakes up everyone in the house and the surrounding 10 blocks.]
Frodo: Shh! That’s Boromir’s! He’s not going to like you going through his stuff.
Merry: Quick, put it back.
[Pippin puts it back just as Boromir enters the room, red-eyed.]
Boromir: What was that?
Pippin: What was what?
Boromir: Did I just hear a horn blast?
[The hobbits look at each other innocently, then at Boromir.]
Sam: We don’t have any horns.
Pippin: Right, so, how could we have blown one?
Boromir: Don’t touch my things again. (leaves)
Merry: (to himself) I wish I had a horn.
Pippin: He doesn’t seem so bad, Frodo.
Frodo: Just wait.
**********
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.] I’ve never seen anything like it. It was – wild, man. Strange.
[Next morning. Hobbits are cooking enough food to feed an army. Most of it is for them. The girls are upstairs doing their hair. Legolas is mixing soap in some water, trying to be discreet. Boromir is inspecting his horn. Saruman sneaks around in the den, obviously up to something. Gollum is in the living room, busy with something in one of the corners. Pippin decides to feed the fish in the fish tank. Merry goes with him.]
Pippin: (calling into kitchen) Frodo, did you know there aren’t any fish in your fish tank?
Frodo: What do you mean?
[Frodo and Sam go to fish tank. Sure enough, there’s no fish.]
Sam: Well, that’s odd.
Merry: Yes, very fishy.
[Merry and Pippin bust up laughing. Boromir and Legolas come down the stairs. Legolas is carrying a bucket. They stop to see why everyone is staring at the tank.]
Legolas: Where’s the fish?
[Just then, Gollum burps in his corner. Everyone looks at him.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I have a bad feeling about this.
[Cut back to living room]
Boromir: Gollum?
Gollum: Yummy, yummys, fresssh fisssh.
Pippin: You ate the fish?
[Gollum stops moving. Everyone just stares at him. Saruman comes up from behind and watches everyone.]
Boromir: (getting angry) You ate the fish?
Gollum: No.
Saruman: Don’t lie, Gollum. I saw you do it.
Gollum (says nothing)
Boromir: Is that true?
Gollum: (hanging head) Yes.
The hobbits: Ew!
Boromir: (barely able to control his rage) You ATE them? All of them? Even Twinkle!
Frodo: Twinkle?
Boromir: (pointing at Legolas) It was his idea to name them.
Legolas: Yeah, but you’re the one who named them.
Boromir: Shut up. Was I talking to you?
Frodo: Twinkle?
Boromir: Can it, half-pint.
Merry: That was unnecessary.
Boromir: Whatever.
Pippin: Twinkle?
Boromir: (looking embarrassed) He was my favorite, all right.
Legolas: It’s all right Borry. We can get some more fish.
Saruman: (whispering in Boromir’s ear) Yes, I’m sure Gollum’s still hungry. And I believe he ate Twinkle first.
[Boromir, unable to contain his anger any longer, leaps at Gollum.]
Boromir: You slimy, little… Get back here!
[Gollum screams and runs out of room, through kitchen and out the back door. Legolas reaches out to hold Boromir back. As he does so, the bucket slips from his hands and a wave of cold soapy water splashes the hobbits’ feet. They jump back in shock as Legolas tries to calm Boromir down.]
Saruman: (whispering in Boromir’s ear) If Legolas had been doing his job, this never would have happened.
[Boromir turns on Legolas.]
Boromir: You were supposed to be watching him. Stupid elf. You let him eat Twinkle!
[They start fighting. The hobbits try to run out of the way, but they slip on the water, and everyone falls down in one big heap. Saruman stands back and laughs.]
[Cut to bathroom upstairs. Arwen and Eowyn are listening to the commotion.]
Arwen: What are they fighting about now?
Eowyn: Who knows.
Arwen: Boys.
Eowyn: Yeah.
[They go back to fixing their hair.]
**********
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: It’s not like I really cared about the stupid fish anyway. It’s just the principle of the matter. Those fish belonged to the house. He should have asked before he ate them.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: (laughing hysterically) So, I just whispered in his ear while he was asleep ‘Eat the fish’. I didn’t think it would actually work.
[Cut to living room later that day. All the guys have ice packs for bruises and cuts. None of them are talking, except Merry and Pippin who occasionally crack a joke. Arwen and Eowyn come in the front door.]
Eowyn: It’s official. Gollum’s gone. We couldn’t find him anywhere.
[Legolas looks ill, but says nothing. Boromir looks guilty but says nothing. Frodo, Sam and Merry are expressionless, but say nothing. Pippin looks confused.]
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
[Everyone just stares at him. No one says anything.]
Arwen: (finally breaking the ice) So what do we do now?
Eowyn: Where’s Saruman?
Legolas: In the den, where else?
[Eowyn goes into den. No Saruman. She goes upstairs to his room. No Saruman, and his things are gone. A letter is sitting on the bed. She grabs it and goes back downstairs.]
Eowyn: Now Saruman is gone. (reading letter, in her best Saruman voice) ‘I am most sorry to inform you that some rather urgent business matters have come up and I had to leave immediately. I shall not be returning.’
Legolas: ‘Urgent business matters.’ Why doesn’t that surprise me?
Eowyn: This letterhead looks familiar. (thinks for a few seconds, putting things together) Merry, you said Saruman said he saw everything, but he was in the den the whole time?
Merry: Yep.
Eowyn: And Boromir, he started that fight between you and Legolas.
Boromir: Yeah.
Eowyn: And now he suddenly leaves right after Gollum disappears. This is all very fishy.
[Merry and Pippin laugh. Boromir breaks down and cries.]
Boromir: Twinkle! (sobs)
[Everyone looks at him, shocked. Frodo reaches over and pats his shoulder.]
Frodo: There, there.
Arwen: So, again, what do we do now?
Eowyn: (shrugs) Look for new housemates?
Merry: (raising hand urgently) Oh, me! Pick me! And Pippin!
Sam: What about me?
Merry: There’s only two places available and Pippin and I are a package deal.
Sam: I’ve been here longer than either of you.
Merry: I raised my hand first.
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
Frodo: You can all stay.
Eowyn: But that would make eight housemates. That’s not allowed.
Frodo: I don’t care. Merry and Pippin can take Saruman’s room. Sam, you can stay with Legolas. Everyone agreed?
[Everyone nods, even Boromir, who has regained control and is trying to act macho.]
Pippin: (leaning over and whispering in Merry’s ear) Who’s Gollum?
Merry: (somewhat annoyed) Pippin.
Continued in Week 4