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gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-13 09:37 am
gamgee_fics) wrote2010-05-13 09:37 am
Entry tags:
Sam Goes to a Doctor
Title: Sam Goes to a Doctor
Rating: G
Warning: AU, crackfic
Genre: Parody, Humor
Length: Ficlet
Summary: Sam versus the HMO.
Sam goes to the doctor...
Nurse: Can I help you, sir?
Sam: Aye, miss. I ain't been feeling so good and my master said as I had to come acuase--
N: Your name?
S: Er, Samwise Gamgee.
N: I don't see your name on the roster.
S: Roster?
N: Have you been to this doctor before, Mr. Gamgee?
S: Oh, no, we just moved here from out of town and-
N: Fill out these forms. We'll try to squeeze you in. The wait can be anywhere from an hour to five hours, so if you'd rather make an appointment after filling out the forms, we'd be glad to assist you with that.
S: Thank--
N: NEXT!
S: Oh, all right then. *goes to sit next to Frodo*
Frodo: Well?
S: I have forms. *looks at forms* They want to know if I have sex?!
F: Bring your children. That should answer that question.
S: What is a Social Security Number?
F: *thinks* It must be a scale. How secure are you in social situations? The standard scale is 1 through 10.
S: So what should I put? 8?
F: 8 seems appropriate.
S: Occupation? That's easy. Spouse's name. What would they be needing Rosie's name and all for? She ain't sick.
F: Maybe that's in case the doctor suspects you're lying about how sick you really are.
S: I wouldn't do that.
F: *looks away* No, you would never do that.
S: Phone number? Do I have one of those? What's a phone?
F: *shrugs* Best to leave it blank, I think.
S: I'll ask them later. *flips to next page* Medical history. Looks at these questions, Mr. Frodo! My Gaffer don't even know this much about me! All I got is a little sneeze. I knew this was a bad idea.
F: You've been sneezing for weeks. You need to be seen by the healer. Here, I'll help. Do you have asthma?
S: I don't think so.
F: Diabetes?
S: My beets are just rippening.
F: Do you smoke? 'Yes.' Do you drink? 'Yes.' How often do you exercise? These are odd questions, aren't they?
S: What's exercise?
F: I think they mean walking or running.
S: I do that all day. I have 13 kids!
F: 'Very often.' Are you pregnant?
S: I shouldn't think so, sir.
F: Do you have any heart problems?
S: Oh, this is ridiculous! Can't we just go, sir?
F: They don't have many of the plants we're used to here, and we've tried all the ones we do know. Nothing is working. Maybe these healers know of some other remedy. It's worth the try, Sam.
S: Fine, but I ain't reading this nonsense form. *checks everything 'no'* There. That's done. *flips to next page* What is health insurance? Are they meaning what I do to ensure I stay healthy? Policy holder and number? Well, I ain't never thought to write out a policy about it. What's with all the numbers?
F: Don't worry about that one. It can't be that important.
S: Very well. *gets back in line, waits another 30 minutes and turns in forms to nurse*
N: *looking at forms in disbelief* Your Social Security Number is 8?
S: *nods* I ain't so shy as I used to be anymore.
N: And you have no health insurance?
S: I've a sound policy of 'early to bed, early to rise, makes a hobbit healthy and wise'. I stick by it, I do.
N: *gapes* You can't be seen by the doctor if you don't have insurance. Does your domestic partner have insurance that will cover you?
S: My what?
N: Your 'friend' over there.
S: Oh, that's my master!
N: I'm sure he is. Look, you can't be seen if you can't pay for the appointment.
S: But I can!
N: You can?
S: *nods and points to bag at Frodo's feet* I brought taters!
N: You what now?
S: A whole sack's worth, figuring as I'd likely need some sort of tonic and tea, and I'll be needing to come back once or twice. That should cover it, shouldn't it? At least, that was enough for the healer where we used to live.
N: Without insurance, your visit today is going to be $150 dollars for the initial consultation and the exam. Whatever prescriptions he gives you will be an additional cost. You shouldn't have to come back for another appointment, unless your symptoms get worse. If they don't improve with the medication, you can call and get a different prescription over the phone. That too will be an additional cost.
S: Why?
N: Why what?
S: Why would I have to pay for new medicines if the first cure he gives me don't work? Can't I just trade them?
N: It doesn't work that way, sir.
S: Oh. ... I should have brought a lot more taters.
N: And we can't accept tate-- potatoes in leiu of cash payment.
F: *coming up* Is there a problem?
N: Your boyfriend can't pay for his appointment today with produce.
F: My what?
N: Do you have any money?
F: *pulls out purse* I have twenty silver pennies. Will that be enough?
N: That's not American money.
F: But it's silver.
N: You can't use that here.
F: We brought potatoes. Sam's father is the finest authority on potatoes in the Shire.
N: Look, Rosie, we need cash or he doesn't get seen.
S: What did you just call him?!
F: But he's sick! He needs to be seen!
N: There's a free clinic down the block.
Disgruntled customer: Typical illegals. Want everything for free. Can we hurry this up?!
F: Maybe you were right, Sam. It's just a sneeze. Let's go home.
S: Thank you, sir.
*leaves hurriedly and then has to double back for his bag of taters*
Disclaimer: No hobbits were harmed during the making of this crack fic.
GF 8/27/09
Rating: G
Warning: AU, crackfic
Genre: Parody, Humor
Length: Ficlet
Summary: Sam versus the HMO.
Sam goes to the doctor...
Nurse: Can I help you, sir?
Sam: Aye, miss. I ain't been feeling so good and my master said as I had to come acuase--
N: Your name?
S: Er, Samwise Gamgee.
N: I don't see your name on the roster.
S: Roster?
N: Have you been to this doctor before, Mr. Gamgee?
S: Oh, no, we just moved here from out of town and-
N: Fill out these forms. We'll try to squeeze you in. The wait can be anywhere from an hour to five hours, so if you'd rather make an appointment after filling out the forms, we'd be glad to assist you with that.
S: Thank--
N: NEXT!
S: Oh, all right then. *goes to sit next to Frodo*
Frodo: Well?
S: I have forms. *looks at forms* They want to know if I have sex?!
F: Bring your children. That should answer that question.
S: What is a Social Security Number?
F: *thinks* It must be a scale. How secure are you in social situations? The standard scale is 1 through 10.
S: So what should I put? 8?
F: 8 seems appropriate.
S: Occupation? That's easy. Spouse's name. What would they be needing Rosie's name and all for? She ain't sick.
F: Maybe that's in case the doctor suspects you're lying about how sick you really are.
S: I wouldn't do that.
F: *looks away* No, you would never do that.
S: Phone number? Do I have one of those? What's a phone?
F: *shrugs* Best to leave it blank, I think.
S: I'll ask them later. *flips to next page* Medical history. Looks at these questions, Mr. Frodo! My Gaffer don't even know this much about me! All I got is a little sneeze. I knew this was a bad idea.
F: You've been sneezing for weeks. You need to be seen by the healer. Here, I'll help. Do you have asthma?
S: I don't think so.
F: Diabetes?
S: My beets are just rippening.
F: Do you smoke? 'Yes.' Do you drink? 'Yes.' How often do you exercise? These are odd questions, aren't they?
S: What's exercise?
F: I think they mean walking or running.
S: I do that all day. I have 13 kids!
F: 'Very often.' Are you pregnant?
S: I shouldn't think so, sir.
F: Do you have any heart problems?
S: Oh, this is ridiculous! Can't we just go, sir?
F: They don't have many of the plants we're used to here, and we've tried all the ones we do know. Nothing is working. Maybe these healers know of some other remedy. It's worth the try, Sam.
S: Fine, but I ain't reading this nonsense form. *checks everything 'no'* There. That's done. *flips to next page* What is health insurance? Are they meaning what I do to ensure I stay healthy? Policy holder and number? Well, I ain't never thought to write out a policy about it. What's with all the numbers?
F: Don't worry about that one. It can't be that important.
S: Very well. *gets back in line, waits another 30 minutes and turns in forms to nurse*
N: *looking at forms in disbelief* Your Social Security Number is 8?
S: *nods* I ain't so shy as I used to be anymore.
N: And you have no health insurance?
S: I've a sound policy of 'early to bed, early to rise, makes a hobbit healthy and wise'. I stick by it, I do.
N: *gapes* You can't be seen by the doctor if you don't have insurance. Does your domestic partner have insurance that will cover you?
S: My what?
N: Your 'friend' over there.
S: Oh, that's my master!
N: I'm sure he is. Look, you can't be seen if you can't pay for the appointment.
S: But I can!
N: You can?
S: *nods and points to bag at Frodo's feet* I brought taters!
N: You what now?
S: A whole sack's worth, figuring as I'd likely need some sort of tonic and tea, and I'll be needing to come back once or twice. That should cover it, shouldn't it? At least, that was enough for the healer where we used to live.
N: Without insurance, your visit today is going to be $150 dollars for the initial consultation and the exam. Whatever prescriptions he gives you will be an additional cost. You shouldn't have to come back for another appointment, unless your symptoms get worse. If they don't improve with the medication, you can call and get a different prescription over the phone. That too will be an additional cost.
S: Why?
N: Why what?
S: Why would I have to pay for new medicines if the first cure he gives me don't work? Can't I just trade them?
N: It doesn't work that way, sir.
S: Oh. ... I should have brought a lot more taters.
N: And we can't accept tate-- potatoes in leiu of cash payment.
F: *coming up* Is there a problem?
N: Your boyfriend can't pay for his appointment today with produce.
F: My what?
N: Do you have any money?
F: *pulls out purse* I have twenty silver pennies. Will that be enough?
N: That's not American money.
F: But it's silver.
N: You can't use that here.
F: We brought potatoes. Sam's father is the finest authority on potatoes in the Shire.
N: Look, Rosie, we need cash or he doesn't get seen.
S: What did you just call him?!
F: But he's sick! He needs to be seen!
N: There's a free clinic down the block.
Disgruntled customer: Typical illegals. Want everything for free. Can we hurry this up?!
F: Maybe you were right, Sam. It's just a sneeze. Let's go home.
S: Thank you, sir.
*leaves hurriedly and then has to double back for his bag of taters*
Disclaimer: No hobbits were harmed during the making of this crack fic.
GF 8/27/09